Revealed Ugliness...

Thank you Lord for the various things that you are speaking to my heart...be still, be silent, be confident, be available, be teachable, be humble... Father, I so see how you are transforming me in to a new creation for Your use and Your glory! A creation so contrary and different from who I have ever been. There is nothing more that I want others to see than You in me. I can now clearly see how ugly, offensive and prideful I came across to others in the past. Forgive me for doing any of this in a purposeful and vain way! Thank You for revealing Yourself to me with clarity and understanding. Thank You for showing me not to strive to be controlling. Thank You for showing me that my rights mean nothing and are nothing in comparison to You! My main focus and goal in life should be to honor You in all I do and say!

Yesterday mid-morning as MaKayla and I sat here at the dining-room/school table, the Lord compelled me to ask her how she felt about what God has been speaking to her. I asked her if the Truth He has been imparting on her life has become reality in her heart. I asked her how she saw her "growth". As typical, our discussion was rich and fruitful. It was a time to empty our hearts with one another and reflect what God has done and is doing in our lives. It was a time of tears yet a time of joy! It was a time of affirmation and a time of accountability. It was a time that brought revelation and confirmation. It was a blessed time... As we talked and she shared with me, the Lord brought to remembrance of a "season" in my life where He revealed the ugliness within my heart...within my character...within my being. It was a season that occurred nearly three-years-ago. It was a season of enlightenment! It was a season that I will never forget as long as I live.

This morning as I thought about the fellowship that I shared with this one the Lord so graciously entrusted Kyle and I to nurture, He prompted me to go to "the shelf" in our bedroom closet that is a home to my many journals. He prompted me to search and find where I documented the unveiling of this revealed ugliness that He so graciously allowed me to see. A revelation I was in need of and that brought much freedom. A revelation that allowed me to see myself as others saw me. A revelation that gave me insight as to why some people despised me...rightfully so! The first paragraph of this post is an excerpt of that moment-in-time nearly three-years-ago.

As MaKayla and I visited she shared with me how God revealed to her this past weekend through the mere presence of another individual what she herself looked like. She said, "You know Mom, when I was with .... this weekend, I realized that the reason .... drives me so crazy and annoys me so deeply is because that is who I was...that is who I have been and who God no longer desires me to be. I realized that the reason I can't stand to be in .... presence is because that's me." Ouch!?! When God reveals things like that, it's painful, humbling, riveting yet at the same time it is so rewarding knowing He loves us enough to show us ourselves even if it is through someone else. He loves us enough to "show us the truth in love" so that we can put away "ourselves" in order to put on Him!

As the words tumbled out of MaKayla's mouth, my mind flashed back to nearly three years ago when the Lord revealed the very same thing to me...ugliness. It was like de'ja'vu for me and it happened in the exact same way. I was in a situation where I was spending an extended amount of time in close contact with a particular individual. An individual that I deeply loved...that I considered one of my closest kindred-hearts...one of my closest friends. It was a situation where I was "stuck"...literally...there was no escaping or getting out of it. It was a situation where God wanted me to see myself ever-so-clearly. It was a situation where I was annoyed, frustrated, at-the-end-of-my-rope... It was a situation where the Lord profoundly said, "Step back Mendi. Take a look. This is you. This is why certain individuals (yes, He gave me specific names, one in particular) don't like being in your presence and why your relationship with them ceases to grow and flourish. This is who you are. I am showing you this in order for you to strip yourself down...in order for you, through Me, to become who I desire for you to be." As God spoke to me, it was as if a light-bulb turned on and shone ever-so-brightly in my heart.

Ever since God revealed that ugliness in my heart...in my character...in my attitude...in my being and I have allowed Him to transform me, I've been amazed as to how God has healed, rebuilt and grown my relationship with others, most especially, "the one in particular" that I mentioned above....the one with my sister....a relationship I have longed for for so many years. A relationship that I cherish and hold so very close to my heart. I've apologized to Marci for who I "used-to-be" and sought her forgiveness for the ugliness that lived within me. After seeing myself for who I truly was, I didn't blame her for not wanting to grow close to me.


I encouraged MaKayla to take the revealed ugliness that God has shown her and to allow the Holy Spirit to use it to transform her and change her into a new creation. I encouraged her to use the enlightenment and revelation to bring glory to God by loving that one that annoys and frustrates...that's the hard part...living out the grace that has been poured out upon me and extending it to others...even the ones that annoy and frustrate for I realize that that is who I used to be...

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord,
who has given me strength,
that He considered me faithful,
appointing me to His service.
Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man,
I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief.
The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly,
along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.
Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance:
Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--
of whom I am the worst.
But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me,
the worst of sinners,
Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example
for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life.
Now to the King eternal,
immortal,
invisible,
the only God,
be honor and glory for ever and ever.
Amen.

1 Timothy 1:12~17

God, I thank you for the precious times that you offer for me to invest in one of the greatest gifts you will ever give me...our child. Thank you for allowing situations and circumstances to grow us and change us into Your likeness.
I love you with all that I am this day!