God Is Like That...

Crazy. All I can say is that life has been crazy.
Lists. All I can say is that my days have been full of lists. Physical lists. Mental lists.
Overwhelmed. All I can say is that all those lists cause me to be completely overwhelmed.
Tired. All I can say is that because of being overwhelmed, I am tired.
Thankful. Most of all, I am thankful.
Even in the craziness, endless piles of lists, tiredness, stress & feeling of being overwhelmed, I find myself so thankful.

Monday night I went to bed feeling so consumed with all I needed to do & keep track of which was not a wise choice as Tuesday morning I woke feeling such a sense of hopelessness that I didn't even want to emerge from  bed. I simply wanted to pull the covers over my head & refuse to face the day. I told Kyle at one point yesterday morning that I don't ever remember a time in my life that I have felt such a sense of despair & heaviness...for so long. I located my Bible & my journal & communed with Jesus. I knew I just needed to be with Him. I needed Him to renew me, restore me & refill me with hope. Because I have been hitting the floor running the past few weeks, I haven't spent adequate time with the One who completes me. Kyle is my Jesus in the flesh & he does wonders for this fragile woman's being, however he isn't my Savior, my Redeemer & my Lord. I simply can't survive without time with the One who gives me Living Water.

As I sat yesterday morning He reminded me that:
*when my heart is overwhelmed, I need to go to the Rock that is higher than I.
*faith never disappoints.
*He is always faithful.
*with His help, I must keep going even when I feel like quitting.
*I am in an intense spiritual battle.
*He lifts me out of the miry clay & sets my feet upon a rock.

Like always, time with my Savior was just what I needed. And the cool thing is, that as I went on about my day, He put constant reminders of His presence & His faithfulness in my path...
♥ a song on the radio
♥ a blog post testifying of God's faithfulness
♥ an excerpt from a book I am reading

Today, as I sat down with my Bible & journal, He confirmed Himself once again. Reminding me that He never disappoints. Reminding me that in all & through all, He walks beside me. Reminding me that I am blessed beyond measure. God is like that & I am so thankful.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,

and He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the pit of despair,

out of the mud and the mire.

He set my feet on solid ground,

and steadied me as I walked along.

He has given me a new song to sing,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see what He has done and be amazed.

They will put their trust in the LORD.

Psalm 40:1~3

 

He Is Freeing Me...

I'll tell you what... Life has been hustling, bustling & full around here. I somewhat feel like it's Christmas, only in the spring. We haven't been going a lot but we've been doing a lot.

MaKayla, Mal & I were in the grocery store the other evening & happened to see a very close friend that has been instrumental in my life ever since I was a little girl. I don't get the chance to see & visit with her very often, but when I do, it's especially sweet. She informed me that she happens to be one of those people who checks the blog daily for updates... Again, thankful for the accountability that I need to do a post...

Kyle has been working on some home improvement projects for longer than he cares to admit & has decided that it is time to get them finished. To be honest, I've somewhat felt like my head is in a blender. I'm one of those people who likes to get one thing completed before I start another on & lately that just isn't happening... Between yard work, home improvement projects, graduation preparations, school, life & every day tasks, I feel like I'm just hopping from one thing to another with lists here & there & everywhere. The "leftovers" from yesterday's list were reluctantly transferred over to start today's list. The Lord reminds me that I should be THANKFUL that I can create a list & be productive in COMPLETING it! :) I'm alive. I'm healthy.I'm able. Many are so less fortunate & what I many times grumble about, they would delight in being able to do.

As I contemplate life, I see so many "things" that "clutter" my space... My heart... My mind... My emotions... Our home... Things that take up area that truly shouldn't. In praying about the reality of what this looks like, the Lord has compelled me to declutter, remove, get rid of, sell, burn, throw, disperse, give away, surrender...

I find myself instantly being trouble or concerned over things that I can do nothing about & many times really have nothing to do with me. I'm learning to recognize those things before they embed themselves within my heart, my mind & my emotions. I'm learning to turn them over to the Lord & not take ownership of them. Interceding but not being consumed by them.

Looking around our home, I see things sitting that have no purpose or value... They simply collect dust & fill space. So... Even though we have simplified tremendously since we moved here (7 years ago this summer), another round of simplification has taken place... If it doesn't have purpose or meaning, it is going, going, gone. :) To goodwill, to friends who can use it or to the burn barrel. Both girls at separate times have commented, "It looks like we're moving..." The freedom of less... Sometimes I really wonder if the Lord is preparing us for something... Something where we have to be content with little...

The girls have been so helpful in getting some much needed things done & it's been such fun working together. In doing these tasks as a team, I pray that it is teaching them that "things" without personal value really have no purpose. I pray that it is teaching them how to be good homemakers to their families some day.

Over the past week or so we have:
*cleared, cleaned & organized the breezeway closet
*decluttered the kitchen (counter space, on top of the refrigerator, baker's rack, cleaned cabinets)
*cleared, cleaned & organized the school closet (one less student next year :(...)
*cleared, cleaned & organized Mallary's closet
*emptied & removed one bookshelf

Bit-by-bit we're getting there! Most would think we are doing what we're doing in preparation for MaKayla's graduation next month but not so. It's just where I'm at in life. An intense season of refining & stripping. Ushering out the old in order for the Lord to make things new! I'm so ready to be free from clutter all the way around as is Kyle, MaKayla & Mal.

Kyle did keep busy this past weekend completing some projects...

 Hanging outdoor speakers while warring against a nest of bumble bees...

 Finishing some landscaping he's been wanting to do...

 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

 MaKayla & I started in on Mal's room remodel...

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Mal took her first dip in the pool even though it had only been filled the day before...

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

I've just been taking it all in, enjoying being with those I love the most... ♥

More than anything, I think God is showing me that in ridding my life of those things which clutter, He is freeing me to love & live more abundantly... ♥

Bit-by-bit, with His guidance, patience, grace & love, I am getting there... ♥

I do thank each of you who care about our family & take the time to read our blog... ♥

I am humbled... ♥

I am blessed by your love... ♥

Acknowledge...

That post that I did back on March 20th... Well, I ran into that precious friend again a few days ago at Wal-Mart & guess what??? She reminded me "that it had been awhile"...

So here I am...
Blogging...
It's no lie.
I love to blog.
I love to collect my thoughts.
I love to pen my thoughts.
I love to share my thoughts.
But life for me lately has been an intense struggle. And since I didn't figure it would do anyone any good to hear my lament of despair, I steered clear of blogging. Besides, until about two weeks ago, I couldn't even come close to collecting my thoughts. I just lived in a fog, doing life, going from one thing to another... Day in & day out.

I don't EVER come even close to admitting that big "D word" but three weeks ago this coming Friday, Jesus & I had a moment... Just the two of us. I was walking through the living room in a stupor & He said, "Mendi, look at yourself. Acknowledge how you are feeling. Acknowledge how you are coping. Acknowledge your actions & your thoughts & your reactions. Acknowledge the difference in who you were & who you are." In an instant as I processed each of those things that the Lord asked me to acknowledge, I had no choice other than to admit that I was depressed. I really didn't even see it until I took to heart the words & exhortation of that Still Small Voice. There was no denying. I went to Kyle & I's bedroom, snuggled under his side of the covers, cuddled up to his pillow, breathed deep his scent & rested in Jesus. When Kyle called on his morning break, I shared with him how I was feeling & he assured me that he would be covering me in prayer. I would have to say that there is something vastly different about hearing from God & being gently enlightened by Him of your mental/emotional state rather than "getting that info" from a physical human being. When it's from a "person" rather than Jehovah, I feel accused, threatened, intimidated & exposed but when it comes from God Himself, I can bear my heart open before Him & acknowledge that what He says is Truth. He knows me better than any other. He sees my heart. He knows my hurts. He feels my burdens. He shares the heaviness. He weighs my motives. To be honest, once He spoke... Once I listened... Once I acknowledged... A wave of freedom washed over me. I didn't have to wonder any more, "Why am I feeling the way I feel?" Now I knew. Now I could seek deliverance. Now I could move forward. Talk about liberating... Isn't that the blessedness & richness of Jesus?

 The past several weeks have been difficult to say-the-least, but minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day, through the Lord's great love, compassion, mercy, strength & patience, I am seeing more light & less fog. I was never in the "rolled in a ball, weeping state" (except for the afternoon of the revelation), but what I was feeling was real. When I shared with MaKayla how I was feeling,what I was thinking and how the Lord has spoken, she said, "Mom, I see it. I agree." Together, she & I had an invaluable visit. It confirmed a lot of things in my heart & magnified things a little/a lot more so that I could see even clearer than before. After all, she is with me all day every day. She sees things I am blind to.

 Life had just gotten big & I was overwhelmed. I had been taking very little purposeful time with the Lord. There had been very little time for Kyle & I to just be together... Things were mounting, building, escalating... That next morning was a Saturday & Kyle had the day off of work so he & I laid in bed & talked for a very long time. He shared his heart. I shared mine. We took one thing at a time & visited about how best to pray or what needed to be done in each situation. We regrouped. Since that time, although it hasn't been easy, I am regaining my joy & I am seeing much purpose in the valley the Lord had allowed me to enter. He's been refining me. Stretching me. Stripping me. I am learning the true essence of humility.

During the worship service this past Sunday as part of Pastor Bob's message, he asked people to share testimonies about God's glory & faithfulness. I was in charge of running the projector this Sunday, but felt the Lord tugging on my heart, so I reluctantly walked down the stairs & shared that during Kyle's lengthy, chronic illness, I didn't find it terribly difficult to glorify the Lord. I couldn't control the situation & I saw God's faithfulness all around yet I am finding that it's in the little things in life that I fall short of glorifying Him. It's in those circumstances when the answer isn't immediate & the path is unclear that I wane. It's in those every day situations that I fail to trust in His faithfulness. It's in the seasons that I "can't see" that I get impatient & allow myself to be blinded to His glory. And I'm finding that the less I trust, the more impatient I am. And the less impatient I am, the less I glorify. And the less I glorify, the deeper of a rut I dig for myself. And the deeper the rut I dig, the darker the way seems. And the darker the way seems, the more deception Satan lords over me. And the more deception I allow Satan to lord over me, the less hope I have... In absolute humility, I am learning to trust even when the road seems long, the way seems foggy & the view is obscure.

This too shall pass...
I just want to make sure that I get from point A to point B with a change & a gain...
Not with a loss...

Happy Switch...

Cloudy...
Cool...
Serene...
Birds singing...
Girls quietly reading on the couch...
Jim Brickman playing in the CD player...
Nala resting quaintly...

School is well underway for the day...

 

I text a close friend this morning to see how she was doing regarding some health issues she is currently facing & in the midst of the conversation, she made mention of yesterday's post & how happy I seemed. :) I told her that the happiness that was conveyed in yesterday's post was very real but was very fleeting. I hadn't even completely finished it when a wave of despair washed over my being. Just as soon as I typed how nearly perfect & good my day was, Satan slipped right in & nearly stole the "goodness" from me. I was overwhelmed, agitated, annoyed, unmotivated, sad, removed & quite frankly, sinful! My thoughts went from high to low in a matter of milliseconds... My attitude immediately went from positive to negative in the blink of an eye... My words were brash... My outlook grim... My countenance ungodly... How does that happen anyway???

Kyle came home, picked me up & renewed my focus! When he arrived after work I was flat on the floor & MaKayla was massaging my head. I was whining & complaining being a less-than-desirable wife & mom... He laid down beside me, kissed my forehead & told me how much he loved me. ♥ We laughed together, chatted with the girls & then headed outside to do some yard/garden work. In the midst of heading out the door, the girls & I sneaked into the Oreo stash from the deep freeze!?! :) Yum-oh!

I many times wonder why I allow such a drastic turn of events to take place in my heart, my mind & my spirit. As I told my friend this morning, I wish I had a "happy switch"... A switch that I had control over as to whether it were on or off... Of course, I would always "choose" to have it on... Who wouldn't? Don't we ALWAYS want to be happy? But then it occurred to me, I DO have a "happy switch"... God gives me a choice of my attitude, my actions, my thoughts, my character, my countenance, my words, and each of those choices & the fruit therein, begins with the condition of my heart.

So many times my heart isn't "conditioned" to endure the situations & circumstances that I might be faced with on any given day. The condition of my heart is my choice and is determined by how much time I commit to prayer & how much time I spend in God's Word. It's affected by how often I am in fellowship with other believers & how much intimate time I spend with Jesus. Many times the condition of my heart is contingent upon my obedience to the Holy Spirit and how willingly and faithfully I am submitting to my husband. All of these things strengthen the condition of my heart.

On the flip-side, many things deteriorate the condition of my heart. Thinking on things that don't pertain to me. Dwelling on something that I have no control over. Reading things on facebook that fail to edify my walk with Christ & put me in a critical frame-of-mind. Being envious of another person's accomplishments or possessions. Falling into the pit of discontentment. Time spent on activities that will never encourage fruit in my life. Trying to be in control of situations/circumstances that I can't change.

So...after helping Kyle in the garden, fixing a yummy supper for my family, listening to MaKayla share a great deal of insight out of the current book she is reading, taking a nice hot bath, enjoying the evening visiting with one of my closest friends, crawling into a warm comfortable bed, spending time reading God's Word and then snuggling close to the man of my dreams as I drifted off to sleep ♥, my unconditioned heart was well on it's way to being conditioned again.

Today I am choosing to keep the "happy switch" on... :)

(He truly is the MOST PRECIOUS little guy... ♥ ♥ ♥ )

A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.

Proverbs 15:13

 

A cheerful disposition is good for your health;
   gloom and doom leave you bone-tired. 

Proverbs 17:22

Goodness...

It's a beautiful day here in the country.
The sun is shining.
There's a nice spring breeze.
The temperature is nearly perfect.

MaKayla is away tutoring & Mal & I are here at home doing our own thing...
She, math.
Myself, housework/laundry.

As I took yet another load of clothes out to the line to dry, I had one of those moments where it felt like everything was nearly perfect. The only thing I would change would be to have Kyle here at home with us enjoying this gorgeous day. As I relished in the goodness of God & the goodness of life, I was quickly reminded that life simply isn't "normal" for everyone. I think we all so often forget that even in our happy, joy-filled, day-to-day life, others are far from experiencing what I am "feeling". How often do I caught up in the "goodness" of my life that I lose sight of the burdens that others are carrying? People I love... People that I am close to... People that I care for...

Today, as I sit here typing this:
♥ Someone I love more than life is striving to find freedom from a stronghold that has held them captive for years...
♥ One of my closest friends is sitting by the bedside of her mom, waiting for her last breath to be drawn & another precious friend is standing in the gap & trying to make sense of a parent who has a terminal illness...
♥ An extended family member is recovering from major surgery...
♥ An uncle & cousins are trying to plan a graduation & a wedding without the presence of my aunt who suddenly went to be with Jesus in December...


Today, as I sit here typing this, I am aware of:
*a mom who is walking beside a child battling cancer...
*a man who is preparing to say good-bye to his spouse of many years...
*a woman who needs deliverance from spiritual oppression...
*children who lack a loving parent...
*people I care about who need Jesus...

I'm thankful that even in the blessedness & goodness of my life, that the Lord is faithful to remind me that life simply isn't "normal", comfortable or enjoyable for everyone right now. In that reminder, I am compelled to carry those that come to mind to the Holy of Holies. In that reminder, I am stirred to not take the goodness that is present in my life for granted. In that reminder, I am humbled.

It's a day of "goodness" for me...