Trust In The Affliction & Praise In The Pleasantry...

November 1st.

Time doesn't speed up.
Time doesn't slow down.
Time is time.

60 seconds in every minute.
60 minutes in every hour.
24 hours in every day.
Seven days in every week.

Time.
Time. Is. Time.

Yet when I visit the blog, I realize that May was my last post. And I wonder, how did that happen? How did I allow that to happen?

Time.

Time with people.
Time with the Lord.
Time doing what He has instructed me to do.

Time loving.
Time investing.
Time contemplating.

Time healing.
Time learning.
Time considering.

Time searching.
Time seeking.
Time listening.

In order to understand.

Although time has passed, the time in between has been fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.
Truly.

Not without pain, difficulty & testing yet all-the-same, fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.

Isn't that God?

Helping Grandma move & settle.
Storing summer's bounty for winter's provision.
Walking with those I love through one of life's hardest trials.

And this morning as I contrast & compare, I wonder how one day life can be pleasant & peace-filled, while the next is laden with struggle, frustration & at a loss as to how I should process the events therein. Am I bi-polar? Am I fickle? Do I lack stability? Laughable but true.

Satan would like to convince me of such...

Yet as I seek the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminds me that days are diverse. He reminds me that the diversity of days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...to Him.

I had about two weeks straight where life was absolutely restful, contented & filled with pleasantries, and then BAM, I had a day that, from start-to-finish, was outlined, shaded & filled in with irritations, frustrations & testings. Externally, I did my best to conceal the grossness of my heart but internally, both God & I (Mal, Kyle & one other individual) knew the poison that permeated.

The poison that permeated my thoughts, feelings & emotions.

Since that day a week ago today it's been a day-to-day reality. Pleasant. Not-so-pleasant. Positive. Negative. Empowered. Defeated. Restful. Tormenting.

And my heart has wondered why...

Why on again, off again?
Is it me?
Is it a wavering of faith?
Is it selfishness?
Is it weakness?

One day I concluded it was hormones...
Another day, it was due to how I awoke...
And yet another dependent upon what I ate.

All valid options.

When the alarm alerted me yesterday morning signalling a new day, a new week, reminding me of what lie ahead for my Monday, my heart stirred & wrestled. I knew the day was steeped with the potential for struggle, strain & difficulty however the type that I had envisioned wasn't the pedigree that resulted. An intermittent convo with Mal & then a quick chat with Kyle, followed by a brief visit with MaKayla left my heart assured of prayer yet still unresolved. In the midst, Marci dropped me a quick, unexpected phone call & her pleasant voice, brightened my countenance. We didn't talk about specifics of the situation I was dealing with but our momentary exchange of life happenings, helped me move forward in my day. Without her even knowing. ♥

The events of my day changed & took on a different shape & form, leaving me in a position of completely trusting God. Uncertainty loomed. Apprehension lingered. The steeped potential for struggle, strain & difficulty remained. Yet I purposed to proceed in full-on trust that the One who knew what lie ahead would go before me & prepare the way. He would provide grace for the circumstances. He would protect the sensitivity of the situation. He would shelter the hearts involved.

And He did.

Struggle? Yes.
Strain? Yes.
Difficulty? Yes.

Yet in the midst He was faithful.

This morning as I continued to pray over yesterday's situation & anticipated a quiet, contented Tuesday at home with Mal, my heart went back to the question of "why"?

Why on again, off again? 

Is it me? 

Is it a wavering of faith? 

Is it selfishness? 

Is it weakness?

Yet as I sought the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminded me that days are diverse. He reminded me that the diversity of days intensifies my dependence upon Him & keeps me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

On those days where the potential for difficulty is there...
And the brimming reality of struggle is possible...
And the steeped likelihood for strain is at a high percentage...
TRUST.

I knew yesterday was a day drenched with vulnerability on my part & my only option was to pray, depend & trust. That's it. Nothing within me could fix, change or prepare... Everything was out of my control. Beyond my dominion. Far surpassing my determining. I was bare-faced & vulnerable & believe it or not, as crazy as it may sound, there was a deep-seated comfort in my uncertain spirit. A reassurance of assurance. A reminder of faithfulness. A guarantee of Presence.

You don't have this...

But I do.

I Am.

A day saturated with trust.

Today...a contented day. A quiet day. A spiritually restful day. A day where God says,
"Praise. Just embrace & praise. Give thanks. Simply embrace & give thanks."

What He is showing me is that time is time...always the same. The same minutes. The same hours. They hold the same expanse with each that comes & goes, yet those minutes & hours turn into days. And those days are diverse. One day filled to capacity with pleasantries... Days that change us. The next overflowing with immeasurable affliction. Days that transform us. And instead of analyzing the why (yeah, that's my default...I'm always on a quest to understand), trust in the affliction & praise in the pleasantry. Time never changes yet we change through time. We change over time.

Days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

As Mal & I drove to fill the truck up with gasoline this morning, I found myself acknowledging how deeply grateful I am that, because of Jesus, regardless of the day & what it holds, I can trust and I can praise. And that as seconds turn to minutes & minutes turn to hours & hours turn to days, God is drawing me closer to Him through each & every situation He orchestrates.

Let go of the 'why' & simply rest in His presence. Rest in the trusting. Rejoice in the praising.

But I trusted in thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my God.

My times are in thy hand...

~Psalm 31:14-15

Quietness That Allows God To Be God...

Algebra 2...
Tozer's study of Hebrews...
A cup of hot coffee...
Honey Blossom Yankee flickering...
Jim Brickman.

It's been a long while & although I've sat down from time-to-time to share my heart, something happens that I am unable to finish the thoughts I desire to share. I've gotten to the place of, why start if I can't finish...thus no current posts.

I sit in quietness this morning...quiet.

I sit thinking...
Praying...
Considering.

I sit reflecting on what God is showing me and teaching me. I sit meditating on how He desires me to apply & work out that which His Spirit is instructing my heart. I sit here giving thanks that when I am at a loss, He knows the answer. He knows what I need. He is the fulfillment to my wonderings. And as I quietly seek, He gently responds.

Some days I feel like I can totally, absolutely, completely conquer the world...

And then on most other days, 

I feel like taking care of myself & remaining focused on what's "mine to own" is a feat in & of itself.

There are those days that I wake ready to jump from bed prepared to tackle anything & everything that comes to mind...even if it really isn't mine to undertake. And then there are those other days that if I think of anything other than what I know is mine to accomplish, I melt. Into a puddle. My mind gets overwhelmed & the thought of adding something extra, whether it's a physical task or something of the emotional sort, is more than my brain can compute. The past few days have been that of the 'melting in a puddle' kind. And as I begin to melt, God quietly reminds me...

...and aspire to live quietly, 

and to mind your own business, 

and to work with your own hands...

~1 Thessalonians 4:11

Every time I think on this verse, my mind drifts far & away & concocts of how life would have been here on the farm nearly 70 years ago when it was established... Before 24 hour stores... Prior to cell phones... When Sundays were a day for worship & of rest...literally. I asked Mom not long ago if Grandma Jean was a busybody "in the day"... If she would have known where her neighbors were or what they were doing at all times... In the days before social media & the "convenient" instant access to anything & everything. I can briefly remember life as such when I was a young girl. A reality that regretfully our children will never fully know.

Life in Grandpa & Grandma's day was a quiet life... A life where work was hard & it took all hours of the day to accomplish that which needed done. A life that required intentionality.

A hard life yet a simple life.

A life that took all of one's energy & diligence, where there was no time left to worry or dwell on what others were doing. Where they were going. Or their personal problems.

And I wonder...

Is that life achievable today...

Our family has attempted to live simply...quietly. And in that attempt we've many times been deemed as sheltering or removed or uninvolved. Yet it's when I'm home, away from the hustle & bustle of life, that my heart is most at peace & my mind is abundantly at rest. 

Some see that as simple-minded...and it is.

It's a place where the distractions are few & the temptations are minimal. Most would say that is an isolated world & idealistic society yet when I think back on the day-to-day life of Grandpa & Grandma, that was life. A life at home. With the exceptions of church, grocery shopping & an occasional outing with friends, that verse in 1 Thessalonians is what they purposed & aspired to live.

And they did.

Spiritually.
Physically.
Relationally.

And it's what I desire.

I think I realize this more now having a child that is married with a husband and her own home. With parents who are aging & battling health struggles. Where life isn't as easy for them as it used to be. Where daily living is more complex. Where my flesh just wants to rush in & fix it, change it, ease it & make it all okay. In correlation to the child and the parents.

And God says to my racing, churning, turning heart...

"Be still."

I met with a friend a week ago for coffee & she conveyed to me how overwhelming it is when you're trying to mentor & encourage & help others that you see could benefit from your assistance. Or at least you think. Yep. Been there. Done that.

I conveyed to her that if the very things God has entrusted me to do go undone or are neglected because of my supposed ability to help... Or if I am so overwhelmed due to trying to attach strings from my heart to twelve different people while my own people are going unnoticed... Or if my zeal & communion with God has lost it's place as a result of burning a candle at both ends...

Something is out of kilter...
Someone is out of line...
And that something or someone...
Would be me.

There are going to be times & seasons where I am asked for counsel... For help... For my physical presence. In those times & seasons, as God directs, I will counsel. I will help. I will be present. But if I constantly have my "feelers" out trying to be a super-hero to everyone that I think needs my involvement, I am failing to mind my own business. And quietness is far from me.

Been there. Done that.

Prayerfully to never do again.

I distinctly remember one of the most profound times that God enlightened me to this. My momma underwent a routine colonoscopy only to discover an area that appeared "abnormal". Shortly thereafter pathology reports confirmed that a portion of her colon would need removed & surgery was scheduled to rid her body of the suspicious section. I had firmly set in my mind for her to see the surgeon that had previous worked on Kyle & a man that we highly respected. Dad knew how I felt yet Mom was resolved to have the procedure performed at a local hospital by a local physician/surgeon. My opinion wasn't sought & although I wanted to push my case, God firmly conveyed to me to, "Be still". He distinctly told me that unless my opinion was asked, it really didn't have anything to do with me & I needed to respect their choices. Period. Suspicions were confirmed, Mom was positively diagnosed with cancer in her colon & I accompanied she & Dad to one of her initial oncology appointments in which the doctor(s) outlined all treatment options & then gave his/their recommendation as to what he/they deemed best. I knew how I felt but again, I wasn't asked therefore I didn't speak. Quietness.

The same story when MaKayla proceeded with marriage despite deep concerns that Kyle, Mal & I shared. She was aware of how we saw things yet she was certain of what God was calling her to. She was resolved in how she felt Him speaking. She was earnest in hearing His voice rather than the voice of man.

Quietness.

Quietness that allows God to be God.
Quietness that respects another's heart.
Quietness that, knowing or not, brings freedom to a restless soul.

Quietness that squelches control...

And turns it over to the One who owns it.

God has really been showing me how dwelling & mingling in the outer courts has no fruitful end, for the outer court is full of noise and activity and distractions and, as I read earlier in my commentary, "Satan is very busy to disquiet us; and we have that in our own hearts that disposes us to be disquiet..." Yet it is in the inner court...within the holy-of-holies...where we find quietness & solitude & intimacy. Where we can be still & know...that God is. Who God is. And what God desires of me...you...us. Sadly, we'd rather meander... Hearing other people's stories... Problems... Dilemmas. All of which God instructs us to steer clear of & stay far from. For in these things destruction looms. Waits. Entices.

God says...
Live a quiet life...
Mind your own business...
Work with your own hands...
Be still.

Sadly, we meander...
We mingle...
We dwell...

In the noise.
In the activity.
In the distractions.

And as a result, we are burdened, overwhelmed, weighted down.
We can't sort out what is ours & what belongs to someone else.
We try to fix that which we have no tools to repair...
And we concern ourselves with things that really are none of our business.

God says...
Live a quiet life.
Mind your own business.
Work with your own hands.
Be still.

And if we do, His Word says that we will walk honestly...
We will behave properly...
We will win respect.

Many times this requires plugging our ears...
Scaling our eyes...
Shielding our hearts...
And swiftly making our way through the outer courts.

It requires constantly, daily, continually, reminding myself to seek God for direction in...
What He wants me to accomplish...
Who He longs for me to reach out to...
Where He desires for my feet to go...
The words He asks me to speak...
Which situations He compels me to involve myself...
Or not.

With my girl...
With my daddy or my momma...
With my friends...
With my family...
With those in my midst.

~quietness~

making no noise or sound

free from noise

silent

restrained in speech or manner

free from disturbance or tumult

being at rest

refraining or free from activity

It's hard...
It takes intentionality...
It requires discipline.

It means saying no to the flesh & yes to God.

It is my purpose.
It is my passion.
It is my desire.

Quietness.

Swiftly moving through the outer courts...
And finding my dwelling in the most holy place.

Quietness.

I am finished with the attempt to conquer the world...
I am up for the challenge of taking care of myself & remaining focused on what's "mine to own".

...and aspire to live quietly, 

and to mind your own business, 

and to work with your own hands...

~1 Thessalonians 4:11

There Is Never A Reason...

So much has happened & taken place since I last blogged that I really don't know where to begin... After so much action & motion over these past ten months, I am hoping that today just might be the first day of a "back to normal" schedule/way-of-life (it wasn't). The amount of times that the desire & thought of sitting down to type my thoughts into words so that I can see them, think through them & process them has been innumerable yet while those desires & thoughts were so very real, they also came at a time when someone or something needed my attention therefore it simply hasn't happened...until today. :) Sunday as we sat on the patio I found Mal on her phone smiling yet intent so I asked, "Mal, whatcha' looking at?" Her response, "The blog..." ♥

Looking back... 

Remembering... 

Being reminded. ♥

Lessons learned... 

Situations in life... 

Moments we cherished, relished & savored. ♥

I have been asked so many times to please, please, PLEASE start blogging again yet it has been one of those things that I simply didn't deem as a priority. And as precious, dear & deeply-loved sister-friend of mine messaged me the other day, we discussed my absence of shared thoughts... I opened my heart to her of certain life situations that have been miserable, painful & suffocating... It was no surprise to her, as although she hasn't "seen" me lately, she could "see" that my joy is dimmed.

So thankful for those who know me well enough to recognize even without "seeing"...

In person...

And reach out to check in & check up.

I revealed bits & pieces of my heart & told her that I wanted to pen...to type...to share...but knew the reality of that could be damaging & detrimental. Her caring reply, "Write your blog and send it to me. We can see where it leads you. Then publish???" :) I have yet to do it but am strongly considering the possibility. :)

With life resuming normalcy, I am so thankful to have back those first early moments of morning to sit alone with the Lord studying, praying, seeking, listening. 

Just to be with Him...

At His feet... 

Being fed & taught...

It's in these moments that I grow, gain understanding & am changed from the inside out. 

Moments that are more precious to me than any other. 

Moments that I wouldn't trade for anything else.

This morning as I emerged from bed & stepped into the shower, the reality of truth made it's way into my mind. I sought the Lord & asked what I was to see or understand & bit-by-bit He began forming & building on this word that could signify & mean so many things. He brought to my remembrance instances & situations & as my mind began to race, He said, "Be still." 

He quieted my spirit...

He stilled my mind...

He opened my heart.

I am a debater at heart & I have often thought that if I had pursued a career, I would have either chosen the path of journalism or law. For something I am passionate about, I can argue a case until I am out of breath or void of thought...literally, yet God showed me something very profound this morning.

There is never a reason or a point to defend truth.

Hmmm... Interesting. As I proceeded on with my shower, I continued to think over & ponder this revelation.

There is never a reason or a point to defend truth.

Ever.

Truth speaks for itself...
Truth is unchangeable...
Just because people don't believe, doesn't negate truth for what it is...
Truth.

Refraining from children's church/segregated Sunday school...

Holiday traditions or lack thereof...

Choosing to guard my heart & still my voice...

Like everyone else on this earth, there have been so many times in life where my thoughts, my aspirations, my convictions, my passions, my choices, my decisions, my understandings, my discernment, and on and on, have been questioned. And to be honest, I could count on one hand how many times those questionings were simply left as questionings without me feeling the need to defend or the compelling desire to convince. My perception of this vastly changed as of this morning & I'm not exactly sure why I haven't learned this lesson sooner other than either I wasn't ready for it or I was too stubborn. It could be one or the other...or a bit of both.

Homeschooling...

Details of a wedding...

Declining an extended opportunity...

Or it could be that I am simply so worn out & weary that I'm at the point of not caring...

But whatever the reason, God clearly showed me this morning that defending the truth is pointless. Don't get me wrong, if someone comes to me, or to you, desiring a better understanding or genuinely desiring to hear your heart, allow the Holy Spirit to direct your words in order to convey the sentiments therein. Yet when someone is disagreeable or headstrong on how they feel or what they see & there is no sincere longing to have a better "knowing", why contend? I've been around this block so many times in my years of living & I humbly admit that 99.9% of the time I feel the need to defend what I think, how I feel or what I believe.

Sometimes it's in regard to the events of a life situation... 

Sometimes it's in regard to how God has directed me... 

Regardless of what it entails, I should walk in peace, confidence, courage & boldness with truth at the helm.
And just because I can't convince someone of something, doesn't make it untruth...
Just because someone doesn't see things the way I do, doesn't make it invalid...
Just because someone makes me feel like I am wrong in how I discern or what I have chosen or how I have decided, doesn't deem it unworthy...

Natural healing vs. medicinal healing...

Walking away from complacency...

Home church...

Unless according to God's Word, it is.

To be honest, I am weary of being questioned yet I take my share of the blame for I am the one who allows it. Why in the world do I allow others to diminish, minimize & generate insecurity within me? Why do I allow the disapproval of others to shrink me back into a shell where I second-guess? Why do I allow others to intimidate me & cause me to feel like how I am feeling or what I am seeing or the decisions I am making are wrong?

Stay-at-home wife/mom...

Relocating home-wise/church-wise...

The intimacy in how our family functions...

It's suffocating.

I've faced this innumerable times & although I maybe thought I was facing it & dealing with it, I wasn't. I was suppressing. Muddling. Coping. Silencing. Surviving. Until the "event" passed & the pain diminished. Until another instance surfaced.

Stepping away from a relationship that requires more than I can give...

Ridicules more than it empowers...

Defeats more than it encourages...

Hurts more than it heals...

Refuses to respect...

The reality of it is...
God sees...
God understands...
God knows.

And to be perfectly honest, we owe no one an explanation but Him.

As I pondered this I was reminded of how Jesus responded when He was questioned in regard to what He spoke, how He lived, decisions He made, who He was. He didn't retaliate. He didn't elaborate. He didn't defend or convince or plead His case. He knew the Truth & He didn't apologize for it. He walked in it. Isn't that what he desires me to do as well? If He is my foundation & I am to model my life after Him, isn't that who He longs for me to be, too? Instead, I allow people to trump His authoritative position in my life...until now.

Moral boundaries...

Courtship vs. dating...

Following the Holy Spirit rather than the direction of man...

And to answer those questions that arrive me at the destination of suffocation...
Like many other people in this world, I long for approval & affirmation. I desire for people to like me, love me & support me where I'm at. I hunger for people I cherish to walk alongside of me even when they don't understand. Simply, I just want to be understood...even if you don't agree. Even if you don't agree, just try to understand & respect. Sadly a high percentage of the time when someone doesn't agree or understand, they pull away, refuse to respect, cease to respond, raise a cold shoulder, turn a deaf ear & their love, unfortunately, becomes conditional...simply because someone didn't do what they thought should have been done even when it really has nothing to do with them. Instead of others allowing us to own what is ours, they feel the entitlement to an explanation & we feel the pressure to give one. And the cycle begins again...until now.

When we do something out of a sense of duty, it is easy to explain the reasons for our actions to others. 

But when we do something out of obedience to the Lord, there can be no other explanation-just obedience. 

That is why a saint can be so easily ridiculed and misunderstood.

~Oswald Chambers

So in the current life situations I find myself looking square in the eyes at, I'm choosing peace to reign over my heart/mind/soul in what I know, with the assurance that God sees & knows even better than I.

He is my defender...
My strong tower...
My judge.

We make a mistake in trying always to clear ourselves. We should be wiser to go straight on, humbly doing the next thing, and leaving God to vindicate us. "He shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noon day." There may come hours when we shall be misunderstood, slandered, falsely accused. At such times it is very difficult not to act on the policy of the men around us in the world. They at once appeal to law and force and public opinion. But the believer takes his case into a higher court and lays it before his God. 

~F.B. Meyer

This Time, This Intimate Time...

Fall has arrived.

And it's such a beautiful season to absorb.

I sit back and watch the picture unfold...

And my heart is fulfilled...

And refreshed...

And saturated with contentment.

The One who loves me most has created this tapestry of beauty & I'm honored to behold it.

It's been a quiet morning around our home as Kyle is away at work & MaKayla & Mal are caring for a precious one-year-old before heading over to love on bullies & send one off to his/her new home. A busy day for the girls yet I am blessed for the blessing they are & for the ways they selflessly serve & love & nurture. The reality of that fills this momma's heart. ♥

I've invested the morning in doing laundry...
Capturing the majesty of the Creator...
And relishing in intimacy with Him.

An intimacy that completes...
And satisfies.

As I sat at the dining room table warming my hands on a steaming cup of coffee & thinking on this time, this intimate time...
My heart went back a few weeks ago.

Early morning shower.
Nothing unusual.

As the hot water washed over my body, I began my typical shower routine...
Cleansing my body...
Seeking cleansing for my soul.

And then requesting...
"Be with..."
"Help..."
"Meet...where they are..."
"Go before us..."
"Be provisional..."
"Extend favor..."
"Be close to..."

And then the Holy Spirit stopped me...

"To do... To do... To do... Thanks for the "To Do List" but what about...Me."

"What do You mean?"

"I mean, how about being with Me... Appreciating Me... Respecting Me... Revering Me... Valuing Me... You are so quick to throw a 'To Do List' at Me, but what about...Me? I am your doer... fixer... mender... At least that's the way it seems. I am present to do all those things & answer all those requests & fix all those issues & mend all that brokenness, yet you're demanding rather than asking... You're expectant without first respecting... And while we're at it, this is many times how you treat Kyle..."

My attention at this point is at full capacity.

"How would you feel, Mendi, if Kyle woke up, rolled over & said, 'Okay, this is your list for the day. I'm very specific in what I expect you to complete. Get to it. No, 'Good Morning...' No, 'I love you...' No, 'Thank you...' No, 'I am so grateful to be with you...' No, 'I believe in you...' No, 'You are my treasure & I'm glad you are mine...' Just, 'Here's your list...'"

A humbling reality yet I knew that what He was saying to me was truth...
It always is.
He can be nothing less.
Or speak anything short.

It was truth.

So many people, including myself, see God (or our spouse) as a "fixer" more than a friend...
A "saver" more than a Saviour...
A "doer" more than a Dwelling Place...
And a "mender" more than a precious, loving & faithful Master.

It's not that I don't see God (or Kyle) as my Friend or Saviour or Dwelling Place or Master, but do I sincerely, continually, intimately see those facets of Him first & foremost?

We talked about this a great deal in the Monday evening Bible study we are hosting here in our home. We call out to God out of necessity when we are in dire straights & want something but when all is going smooth, we run full throttle on emotion & adrenaline.

How do we feel when others treat us as such?

Used.
Conditioned.
Resentful.
Devalued.

In all fairness, I think we think that God (or our spouse) already knows we love Him & respect Him & revere Him & cherish Him...
And He does.

We take no time to be intimate...

But value comes through telling...
And Expressing.

Conveying...
And showing.

He longs to be told...
Just like we do.

He is God & we were made for His pleasure...
His joy.

He desires to be shown...
In the same manner as us.

I mean be honest, aren't you thankful & blessed when you not only know that someone loves you & appreciates you & honors you & respects you but then they take it a whole step further to tell you & show you & convey to you & express to you? It confirms what you know...

When they are intimately connected...

I believe God is the same.

Ever since that morning & that shower :), I've been mindful...

To appreciate before I ask.
To respect prior to requesting.
To honor ahead of wanting.

To articulate how much I love Him...
And how thankful I am that He chooses to be present in my life.

I no longer want to be a child of a loving God or a wife of an adoring husband or a mom of precious children who takes for granted that which I am to cherish & honor & appreciate & respect. Not because I have to or am expected to, but because I have the honor & privilege. ♥

I desire intimacy...

For their sake...

And mine.

The "resting" I spoke of in the last post has brought me to the reality of revelation.
In resting we are saved...
In quietness we find strength.

The Bible says it this way:

For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel,

“In returning and rest you shall be saved;

    in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.”

But you were unwilling... 

(ESV)

For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: 

In returning [to Me] and resting [in Me] you shall be saved; 

in quietness and in [trusting] confidence shall be your strength. 

But you would not... 

(Amplified)

For thus saith the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel; 

In returning and rest shall ye be saved; 

in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: 

and ye would not. 

(KJV)

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

“In repentance and rest is your salvation,

in quietness and trust is your strength,

but you would have none of it.

(NIV)

For in moments of intimacy we grow to know...

better than ever before.

So as I sat at that dining room table this morning, reflecting on this time, this intimate time, my thoughts reflected on the opportunity of quiet, intimate, alone moments... And how the moments between myself & my Jesus should mirror that of similar moments with Kyle... And how moments between myself & Kyle should mirror that of similar moments with my Jesus... For a covenant marriage is to be an example of that between Christ & ourselves.

♥ Naked...
♥ Unguarded...
♥ Bare...
♥ Crucifying control...
♥ Exposed...
♥ Vulnerable...
♥ Available...
♥ Unashamed...
♥ Willing...
♥ Relaxed...
♥ Quiet...
♥ Peaceful...
♥ Freeing...
♥ Unsuffocated...
♥ Open...
♥ Receptive...
♥ Up close...
♥ Personal...
♥ Noticing...
♥ Learning...

♥ Thankful...

♥ Appreciative...

♥ Cherished...

♥ Valued...

Taking deliberate time to be grateful...
And to purposefully express the reality of that to the One we love...
Without expecting anything in return.

In returning & rest we are saved...
In quietness & trust we are strengthened.

We have to be willing...
And intentional.

And I Wonder...

Another Saturday chalked-up dry-erased on the month of March for Kyle...
MaKayla commented yesterday that simply put, it doesn't feel like winter will ever end...
The cold...
The gloomy...
Her dad working Saturdays...

It's wearing on her.

When the sun peeked it's head out Thursday afternoon, that was the only motivation I needed to start in on some cleaning. The breezeway rugs were scooped up, beaten out & tossed in the washer. The floor was swept & things were rearranged in order to create a place for Mal's greenhouse. :) It's a project for 'Botany'. MaKayla was busy working on a sewing order yet when she saw me in "cleaning motion", something she dearly loves to do (no kidding), she & Mal both joined in on the excitement. :)

On any given day in the past several weeks I look around our main living area & spot Bibles here & there & everywhere. One day I spotted 13 just between our living room-dining room area. We've been spending a great deal of time in the Word & we use different translations for different types of reading/studying whether it be for our daily Bible reading or school work or reviewing something from Sunday's message or Wednesday evening's study... So as I was in my cleaning element on Thursday, I knew we needed to figure something out. When Kyle called after work that day I said, "Hey Babe, do you think you could design/construct me a quaint little book shelf for our Bibles & study books?"

His response, "Sure."

I replied, "Like...today...this afternoon... Like when you get home from work...?"

As always, "Absolutely. I'll see what I can do..." ♥

I love it... ♥

Rustic...
Simple...
Just the right size...
Made by hands that I love more than anything...
And designed by a heart that tenderly & faithfully cares for mine...

A few months ago Kyle & I began discussing the idea of getting satellite television. For the fourteen years we lived at our previous home in our previous town we didn't have it, but then when we moved to our current abode we signed up. Due to the added expense & the time wasted & the lack of morality, once the contract was fulfilled we cancelled. As the Olympics approached both girls voiced interest in watching the winter games & every football season Kyle so wishes we had it (satellite) in order to watch some of his favorite college teams. We go through the agony of trying to locate games on-line but the feed is slow & the picture is grainy & it just isn't all that he could enjoy it to be (the girls & I very much like watching as well)... So we started checking into it & after hashing it around as a family & learning that we could pause the streaming for nine months out of the year for a fraction of the cost & establishing some very intentional boundaries, Kyle made the call, the installer came & voila', we instantly had programming. It was fun watching the competitions that we most enjoy...figure-skating, ski-jumping, bobsledding, luging...but we were more than ready for them to be done & over with. Other than the girls having one show in particular that they try to take in most every afternoon & HGTV (I love the variety of homes & neat ideas they offer) as my go-to channel if I'm wanting something to watch, we don't have it on much.

House-Hunters...
Bargain Beach Hunters...
Island Hunters...
Property Brothers...

Briana told MaKayla that she hated watching those shows because people are so picky & ungrateful & demanding & critical. And you know what, for the highest majority of the people they show, she's right.

"I don't like this..."
"And it's not in the right neighborhood..."

"En suite..."
"Marble..."
"Open-concept..."

"The color isn't right..."
"And it's not close to shopping..."

"Hardwood throughout..."
"Big yard..."
"Soft-close cabinets..."

"I don't like that..."
"And it doesn't have an outdoor kitchen..."

"High-end appliances..."
"Granite..."
"Modern..."

"It's outdated..."
"And the dog has no place to run..."

"Five bedrooms..."
"Five bathrooms..."
"Swimming pool..."

The master bedroom the size of our entire living area...
"It's too small..."
"And there are no amenities..."

"An area just for the kids..."
"An area just for the guys..."
"An area perfect for entertaining..."

"The ceilings aren't high enough..."
"And it has no curb appeal..."

And then you have those simple few who just want a home to raise their family, to grow their family, to be a family...

Something comfortable...
Within their budget...
That meets their needs.

It's not coincidental that just a few months ago MaKayla & I shared a discussion about the contemporization/commercialization of churches today.

~contemporize~

to make modern or contemporary, as in style or décor

to modernize, streamline, update

to remake, refashion, revamp

to revise, redo, rework

~commercialize~

to apply methods of business to for profit

to do, exploit, or make chiefly for financial gain

to sacrifice the quality of for profit

Sadly it mimics the people of these shows...

And I wonder...
I wonder how God feels about it...

I will admit that I'm not of the modern-eclectic nature...
Rather more of the old-fashioned, antique, simple variety.

Comfort over fashion...
Eastlands over platform boots...
Warm & cozy over leather...

I joy over the hardwood floors of our home...
Not modern, rather the same boards that my grandpa laid nearly 60 years ago.

Chicken & noodles over caviar...
Minivan over Cadillac...
My worn Bible over ipad convenience...

I affectionately wear the delicate pearl heart necklace that Kyle gave me for my high-school graduation...
The simple black pearl earrings that Dad brought me from Hawaii...
And the handmade ID bracelet that Mom had made for my wrist that contain the girls' names...
Rather than the bulky, flashy, heavy jewelry of today.

Mary-janes over cork heels...
Fleece/flannel over satin...
Tozer over Idleman...

I very much prefer a warm burning candle that produces a comforting glow & a gentle fragrance...
In place of the Scentsy pot I placed on my Christmas list.

My mom's like that...
And my sister...
The simpler the better...
It doesn't take much to please or satisfy.

I am thankful.

But it takes me back to my original thought...
I wonder...

I wonder what God thinks of His church being modernized...
Commercialized...
Contemporized...

Brought up to date...
Up to speed with society...

And then I ask the question...
Why do we feel the need to do so...

As I processed this & prayed about this & did a bit of research, I came across this...
"...the new owners of the old-line French restaurant plan to contemporize the menu & make the place seem less intimidating..."

Ah... It makes sense...
We contemporize as a means to make our sanctuaries feel more inviting & less intimidating.

Coffee bars...
Modern features...
Newest worship music...

We want them to be enthralled...
But never uncomfortable (in the spiritual sense).

That's the draw...

We commercialize maybe not to generate a financial profit, although for some churches this might be the case, but to build our numbers & increase the entries in the membership book.

But in it all, what happened to God?
Where did He go?

In our approaches...
In our methods...
In our logistics...

We've become so focused on the amenities that we've lost sight of God.
And we compromise quality...
To gain quantity...

We highlight what we have to "offer"...
Rather than the One we are there to seek.

I mean it's kind of like these people searching for a house to buy...

Their focus is the cabinets & the size of the bathrooms & the floor coverings & the style of the fixtures & the grade of the countertops that they don't notice the house itself or the foundation on which it is built upon. As a matter of fact I have never watched even one of these shows where they inspect the foundation...
The whole solidity of the house...

They are simply focused on the external features... 

What people see... 

Look at...
Are impressed by...

The amenities...

What makes it easier...
More comfortable...
Desirable...
Intriguing...

And I see the similarity...

Between this...

And the church of today...

Rather than the meat of the Word...
That nourishes...
We'd rather people be entertained.

The conviction of the Spirit...
That corrects...
We'd rather people be comfortable.

Rather than the fellowship of the saints...
That exhorts...
We'd rather socialize & talk about the temporal things of life.

The moments in prayer...
That usher us into the throne room & connect us intimately with God...
We'd rather breeze through "the list" and move on.

Rather than the breaking of the bread...
That cleanses & restores...
The focus is worship & announcements & offering &...

And I wonder...
Isn't God enough?

Isn't He to be the Essence...
The Meaning...
The Reason...

When did God lose His place of being enough?

To draw us in...
To satisfy our longings...
To quench our thirstings...

But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; 

but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life. The woman saith unto him, Sir, give me this water, 

that I thirst not, neither come hither to draw.

~John 4:14-15

We've become so distracted by the external impressions...

That we've lost the Internal Purpose...
The Foundation...

And my heart is saddened.

And as I read in Tozer yesterday & the day before & the day before that...

The last mark of identity with the apostolic church is our identity of worship. Jesus Christ our Lord located the kingdom of God within. God is within you, and some have told us that it means the kingdom was among you. It did not mean anything of the sort. It meant the kingdom of God lies inside your breast. Paul later said, "Christ in you, the hope of glory" (Col. 1:27). In addition, Jesus said, "God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth" (John 4:24). We have an inward worship; the whole center and core of Christianity lies inside the heart.

We have externalized worship in our churches. Jesus put it in our heart and we have put it in side rooms. Jesus put it in our heart, but we have put it in the projection booth. The average Christian cannot practice his religion now any  more than a Catholic priest can without his oil bottle and beads. If you cannot practice your worship with nothing in your hand but your Bible, you have not got victory. Nobody needs to claim succession from the apostolic church if he has to support his Christianity with a lot of gadgets, spending millions of dollars.

Most churches and pastors are addicted to gadgets and could not run their church without being more cluttered up with a small truckload of junk than you can climb up a moon beam. We have fixed it that way, and it is taught in Bible college.

It used to be that a boy on one end of a log and William Tennent on the other end made a Bible college. It used to be that one man of God surrounded by a little company of people made the church. Not anymore, and yet we piously say that we are in lineal decent from the apostles. "We be not born of fornication; we have one Father, even God" (John 8:41). Jesus patiently said, "I know your creed is the same, but this did not Abraham."

We have to have an identity of worship with that apostolic Church. This worship is absent in the average church.

We have bushels of religious gatherings but only once in a great while is God in the midst. I would walk through mud up to my knees to get to a group where nobody was showing off, where only God was present. The Early Church prayed-talked to God. When they sang, they talked to God and sang about God. Today we have programming, that awful, hateful word "programming"; but God is absent.

The Early Church were worshipers; and when an unbeliever came in among them they said, "God is among them, of a truth." It was not the personality of the speaker; they might not have even had one. It was the presence of the Lord that made them fall down and worship. I will join anything, any group, when I can go in to and spend 10 minutes and come away relaxed and say, "I've been where God was." They were like that in apostolic times.

We say that we believe what they apostles believed, but I wonder if we are one with them in the succession of spiritual worship. I doubt it.

While waiting on God to show our family where He wanted us church-wise, I shared with one of my closest friends that I longed for a church containing structure, boundaries & accountability. A church were God was the focus... Not programs or support groups or committees or outreach or worship or planning this event or that one... Just God. For if God is the focus, He will align the vision of the church. Yet so many churches lack vision & many of the ones that claim to have it, put programs & support groups & committees & outreach & worship as the focus/forefront of that vision rather than God, Himself. 

Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. 

If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

~1 John 2:15

And people come...

And people go...

And they leave never being where God was.

And I wonder what He thinks...

He...

The One who is the Beginning...

And the End...

The Alpha...

And the Omega...

The First...

The Last...

The Everything in between.

We as a church have allowed the things, desires & attractions of life to overshadow...

To replace...

Our First Love has been exchanged...

And candidly, I'm pretty sure I know what He thinks...

For the LORD thy God is a consuming fire, even a jealous God.

~Deuteronomy 4:24

**Honestly ask yourself the question... Where is my focus geared, what is my hope of finding, where lie my affections when I enter into the physical sanctuary (church building) of God? Is it in the surroundings? The people? The worship? The activities? Or is it God, Himself?