I Find Comfort That She Is Finding New Pieces Of Herself...

It’s a Monday.

Winter pervades.

It’s cold.

Literally speaking, it’s 17 degrees but feels like -2 due to the fact that the wind is blowing insanely out of the northwest at 27 miles per hour.

Can I wish for spring without rushing time away?

It is a Monday but it’s a different Monday just like my Sunday was a different Sunday. Last items tossed in the suitcase... Final go over of the infamous “list”... A few quick selfies... Luggage loaded... To church we headed. Normal Sunday morning activities, the arrival of an extra passenger & south we turned. Lots of good catch-up conversation, a quick stop for lunch & the trek to our appointed destination... Southwest Airlines drop-off. As of 2:50 yesterday afternoon when we (painstakingly) left Mal at the airport, Kyle & I began our first trial-run at what is referred to as “Empty Nesting”. (I’ll let you know at some point later our thoughts of what so many rave about...)

Yesterday morning as we convened for Sunday School & various people asked if Mal was ready for her adventure, I transparently shared that this is the first time Mal & I have been apart for many, many years. Like probably fifteen to be exact. (MaKayla’s first time “away” was when she & Dillon went on their honeymoon...) Yeah...we’ve been told we’re crazy & pathetic & foolish for not widening the gap a bit (or a lot) before “real world living”... But this is us & thus, a big step for both of Mal & I (and Kyle, too) given the reality that we spend nearly 24 hours a day together; seven days a week. Crazy again. Our definition of crazy, deep-seeded love. ♥

As we journeyed our way south, Dad gave the low-down on how the drop-off was to go... Pull up to the proper spot, quickly grab luggage from the trunk, swiftly say good-byes & depart. No lolly-gagging around. I knew it would be this way but inwardly I hoped... My momma heart wanted to walk her in, scope the terminal out, make sure security checks went smooth, take a look at the tarmac & plane & flight crew, & see to it that she was safely settled, but...no. That’s not how it works. At least in Dad’s world. I complied without argument. Shocked? Me, too.

I knew it was best for both Mal & Myself.

I promised no tears until we were out of sight so I hugged, cheek-kissed, said I love you’s & then embraced Dad one last time & weepingly whispered, “Please take good care of her...” I knew he would but I had to say it. Through tears of his own, he whispered back, “I will.” They turned & went their way... We turned & went ours.

Bittersweet.

As I reflect on the functioning of our family & how we arrived here... How we arrived to the reality of no time apart, I recount the time in life when God distinctly laid on Kyle’s heart the instruction that we were to homeschool our children. The instruction that I fought & resisted until all strength within me was gone & God firmly said to my spirit, “Submit to your husband, follow his lead & do this that I have instructed him to do.” From that point on, with every fiber of my being, I have been all in. Never did I realize the sacrifice that it would require yet never would I have imagined the gift it would be to my heart even still twenty-two years later. Good days... Gross days... Successful days & days of epic failure, I cherish them all. But with an unwavering resolve to function in such a way comes the commitment to the absolute loss of self. And I will be very honest to say that in that losing of self, there have been many days that I have looked at Kyle & said, “I don’t even know who I am anymore...” And I didn’t. And some days, I still don’t. In such a form of living one takes on the those surrounding them & often, there’s nothing left to live out of themselves. Please don’t take me wrong...I am not playing a martyr’s card here at all, but when one is all in they lose themselves as a means to clear an avenue to sufficiently nurture the others they are entrusted to cultivate & grow. Undergird & equip. Treasure & embrace. Sharpen & edify. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. Emotionally. Giving everything I have & everything I am for those God appointed to my time on this earth. And I’m good with that. When I have such a short expanse of time here why would I want to live any moment of it for self?

And then when you add the years of Kyle’s struggling health to the mix & the innumerable days we spent away from MaKayla & Mal, we learned the heartache of distance & the beauty of togetherness. Through difficulty & miles we learned how much we loved the presence of the other & to appreciate one another on a deeper level. An already tightly woven strand was secured even more. ♥

So as I begin my first “solo day”, I again think back to days gone by... I reflect on how we arrived here... I give God thanks & praise for who our family is & how we operate. In the singleness of my dwelling, my heart genuinely delights in knowing that Mal is having the time of her life. In my aloneness, I find comfort that she is finding new pieces of herself. In her absence here, I find joy that she is blessing others with her presence there. In the quietness that pervades where I am, I smile at the chatter & excitement that resides where she is. And as I abide here in Missouri on this wintry Monday, I am incredibly blessed to know that my girl is soaking up some warm, Arizona sun while sharing moments & making sweet, intimate memories with Dad & Mom. Moments that will never be relived but will forever be a gift to her tender, precious heart. And mine. ♥

And yes...in my aloneness & quietness & singleness of dwelling, I am perfectly content & satisfied. My heart is abundantly full. ♥

This has been my life... And in losing mine, I have realized even more what Jesus did for me. What He gave for me. What He lost of Himself so that I could be sufficiently nurtured... Cultivated & grown. Undergirded & equipped. Treasured & embraced. Sharpened & edified. Complete. ♥

Oh...and yes...I am incredibly excited for this short, empty-nesting season with Kyle.

 ♥

Grief Is Not Measurable...It Just Is.

A year ago today we said our final goodbyes & reluctantly placed the physical being of my precious Grandma in a cold, dark grave. She, herself had already ascended to Heaven with Jesus, but the tangible part of her that we touched & held & embraced was laid to rest. The part that held cards & did crosswords. The entity that loved liver & onions & delighted in any activity that included hearts, spades, diamonds & clubs. The portion that always greeted me warmly & never failed to kiss me on the cheek. This has been the hardest, most painful year of my life thus far & just when I think I’m “getting over it”, a face, a word, a song, a memory happens.

Adjusting to her absence. 

Accepting her goneness. 
Missing her friendship. 

Reminding myself daily that ‘129’ is no longer a “home” to me nor does it inhabit belongings of “her”. Her furniture. Her clothing. Her mirror, her tweezers, her comforting scent. As I have keenly reflected these past days & weeks of a year ago & the slow & arduous steps of Grandma’s final journey Home, I am reminded of the reality of grief. As I look around me & see people I care about letting go of people they love, I am reminded of the reality of grief. As I walk alongside of people who have had lives they would have given their own for, ripped from their hands, I am reminded of the reality of grief. Yes, through Christ we have hope & peace & joy yet grief is a very real element of life & when one loves deeply, one grieves deeply.

Jesus knew grief intimately. 

No matter the age.
No matter the situation.
No matter the circumstances.

Grief is grief. 

It’s a dagger to the heart & an ever-draining leak to the spirit. It’s a literal nagging anguish that perpetually empties a person of the fullness that once was. And as damaging & unfortunate as it is, many carelessly slip into the dark & cavernous pit of “measuring” grief.

In light of themselves.
In light of others.

Grief is not measurable.
It just is.

Grief is grief. 

Some look at others & say, “Move on.” Others look at some & think, “Why can’t I move forward?” I’m finding that the nature of the relationship between the one who has left & the one who is left often determines how grief is processed.

Missing... Regret...
Void... Guilt...
Longing... Shame...
Purpose... Lost chances.

Just one more day to either embrace or to mend. 

And that deep, cavernous pit of measuring does nothing more than sink the heart further into greater hurt & heavier sorrow. I’ve been on both sides of where the measuring line lands...on one side of the stick is a heart of insensitive pride & on the other is lonely, internal isolation. Either failing to choose to understand the grief of a heart that is anguishing or being misunderstood in the relentless pain that lingers on.

Both are crippling... 

One doesn’t have to understand the grief to have compassion on the heart grieving. 

The grieving heart only longs to be understood & embraced & assured. And one doesn’t know that it’s understood until another says, “I may not know but I understand... I may not know but I see... I may not know but I will walk with you & beside you... No matter the time. No matter the distance. I am all in, I understand & I am here.”

This season of life continues for me & as it continues, I continue to learn. It costs nothing to understand & to assure & to love in the midst of heartache & grief.

Regardless of the situation...anticipated or sudden.
Regardless of the circumstances...terminal illness or trauma or suicide.
Regardless of the age...two or eighteen...twenty-three or forty...seventy or ninety-five.

Grief is grief. 

And even when a heart rejoices at the life lived & the moments embraced & the memories cherished, the heart grieves. It recounts. It misses.

It longs for just one more day...

...which after that one day would want one more and then another & then another. One day would never be enough so we accept what is, we give thanks for what was & with the hope of Christ at our helm, we move forward investing in others what we desire others to invest in us...understanding.

As I have journeyed this path, the grace of Jesus & the presence of the Holy Spirit have carried me & taught me. They have assured me & strengthened me. On many days They have been my only hope & peace. Grandma was so much more to me than a visit when it was convenient or an appearance when I was summoned...
She was purpose & friendship.
She was accountability & companionship.
She was steady & she was comfort.

She was home. ♥

The joy of the Lord IS my strength yet joy often doesn’t equate “happiness”. Peace, yes. Happiness, no. Some days the longing is just inexplicable & the tears are relentless. And as I continue grieving in my missing, I resolve to extend understanding to others who are trekking the same path.

Regardless the situation.
Regardless the circumstances.
Regardless the age.

No matter the time.
No matter the distance.

And on inclement days like today (much like the day of her burial), Grandma would have been calling me up in an attempt to convince Kyle that it just wasn’t wise to travel home & to cozy in with her where it was safe & warm. ♥

Regardless...I Will Trust Him.

Life has a way of taking its toll & I would be the first to admit that I'm in what seems to be a lengthy toll-taking season of life. I'm not depressed but honestly, I'm not in a healthy state of mentality either. Kyle held me close this morning prior to his departure for work, prayed over me & assured me of his love & support...

It was what I needed. ♥

We talked when he arrived at his dwelling for the day before he entered that enormous, blue, metal building with a giant red 'K' on it...

"I don't know what has happened to me..."
"Life. Life & stress."
"Yeah...I know..."
"I know meds won't fix anything but maybe you need to get an appointment. Maybe something else is going on..."

Simple tasks that I've forgotten how to do...
Past moments that I can't recollect...
Thoughts that I can't pull together no matter how hard I try.

Inability to engage...
Responsibilities left undone...
Apathetic to the deepest part of my core.

We chatted for a few minutes.
I cried.
He assured my heart. ♥

I confided that I am somewhere, I'm just not sure where. I've arrived here, and I'm not sure how. I just know that where I'm at is unsettling to my spirit. I'm someplace between exhausted & apathetic. Lifeless. And I care, but at the same time, I don't. It's not even that I don't like how I feel, I'm just aware enough to know that I'm going through the motions of daily life all-the-while missing the essence & richness that are mine to be had. These days, weeks, months & years are precious...never to be had again & I'm in some cloudy fog aimlessly wandering around. As I told Kyle, I see why people minimize themselves to a four-walled room & hide away. I understand how they inch their way to such small, confined spaces. Isolation of the safest kind.

Quietness.
Comfort
Security.

I get it. I understand.

I've said for several weeks now, since the Home-going of Grandma, that disappearing looks appealing. Not in a self-harm sort of way but in the way of removing myself from the components that weather a heart & whittle the spirit away.

Stress.
Strife.
Dismissal of the most isolated kind.

And if I'm hiding internally, why not literally hide?

I'm pretty sure I've arrived here by constantly considering...
Considering elements.
Considering others.
Considering everything that surrounds me.

And in the end, I have no idea who I even am. Oh, I do in the spiritual sense... I know I am God's child & if He were all I had to consider, it might be easier. Sitting in my rocker this morning, I reflected on the life of Jesus...He lived to do the will of His Father & He didn't deviate from that will for He knew the will of His Father would be to the benefit of all mankind. Even if what God asked Him to do inflicted pain or sadness or sorrow or correction, He followed through knowing that fruit would emerge & God would get the harvest. The glory. Jesus was God in the flesh. He was incapable of making mistakes... Mishearing... Misunderstanding... He could be nothing short of perfection. I am man. Flesh. The Spirit lives within me yet I am capable & quite efficient of mistake-making... Mishearing... Misunderstanding. Sometimes it is a choice of the carnal will yet most often, those realities are a result of ignorance or uncertainty. Wanting to do the right thing but not 100% certain of what that is based on who it involves. His Word tells me I am to consider others better than myself & I am to take into account the thoughts, feelings & implications of those around me in the midst of making decisions, responding to life & living these days I have been given. I am a considerer to the nth degree.

To the point of not really knowing who I am...

As Kyle & I talked last night & again this morning, I've done this life this way for so long that I have no concept of making independent decisions with the exception of...
*I want short nails with no polish
*I want my hair as natural as possible
*I want clothing simple, comfy & functional
*I want to shop at Hy-Vee rather than Wal-Mart under any & all circumstances

Where we eat...I don't care.
What we do...I have no opinion.
Where we go...I'm along for the ride.
Just tell me what to do & I will comply.

Make it easy for me.

Please, just make it easy for me.

Since I became a parent nearly 24 years ago, this has been my state & candidly, with the exception of a handful of times, I've been perfectly perfect with it. It's who I became & who I am. But for one reason or another, the past two & a half months have altered me beyond what I ever would have imagined. The contents of the most recent 5, 961, 600 moments of my life have been laden with trial & emptiness & heartache & sadness & bitter gall. Loss of the most intense degree. Anguish of the most excruciating form. And I humbly admit, it's taking its toll on me. I don't deny that I'm not handling life well. At all. The Bible says that the heart is the wellspring of life...guard it. The King James Version puts it this way...

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. 

~Proverbs 4:23

The condition of our heart determines how we process the issues of life... My heart condition is of a broken & weak state therefore my processing of life's issues seems paralyzed. Literally. Even the smallest of things have the potential to send me to a quick death on a slippery mudslide plummet. Yesterday it was the lack of cohesion on repopulating our chicken colony... The day before it was lunch options, hair cut decisions, grocery selections...sewing grass seed on Grandma's final earthly dwelling & adorning her "place" with flowers that she just might see as beautiful. Just make a decision for me. I am incapable. Hold me close & dry my tears. I am empty. Understand where I'm at even though you can't & you don't. I am in a current place of destitution. Above all, please refrain from telling me I'm wrong for feeling the way I do or that I need mental/medical attention. I'm aware of my state. And I am also confident in the Counselor above all counselors... The Physician above all physicians... He knows where I'm at & step-by-step He promises to light my path & guide my way. I know this is just a season & seasons don't last forever...thankfully. ♥

In the rawest of forms, this season has simply surfaced the person Mendi is... And for some, that's a hard, chilling reality to look in the face & accept. People who deeply love me & genuinely admire this aspect of me...until it becomes the near death of me...literally. It's who I've been for 24 years, it's just that the past two-plus months have altered my ability to function & have magnified the already lack of independent reasoning within me as well as the abundance of consideration for others.

Can lack be magnified?

And what happens when abundance is administered the same?

Overtly, I have lived a life of awareness... Noticing other people's needs, wants & desires. And making it my purpose, aim & goal to see that those needs, wants & desires are met to the best of my capable ability... Regardless of what it costs me. In turn, I rarely have an opinion & most often, I don't care as long as those around me are nurtured. Nothing blesses my heart & fills me with joy more than the evidence of other's fulfillment. Sadly, meeting the needs, wants & desires of some these past days, weeks & months have conflicted with the wants, desires & expectations of others leaving the scales inexplicably out-of-balance. Fulfillment on one side... Dismissal on the other. The reality of it all is anguishing to my entire being but as I have said for quite some time, even before the onslaught of Grandma's earthly departure, 'It is what it is...and God is in the it'. True statement through & through which reassures my heart yet leaves a big portion of me sorrowful & empty. I guess that's a vast & wide difference between Jesus & me... His blessing, glory & joy came at the knowing that He had done exactly what God had instructed Him regardless of the response & attitude of who it affected. The fleshly return of His obedience. His focus was submitting to the Father rather than appeasing man. His aim & goal was to live in perfect harmony with the Spirit. His purpose was to fulfill the promise of Grace. Too often I am distracted by the awareness of man while for Jesus, man was secondary to God yet God's primary purpose is that His will be accomplished in all creation.

It is what it is...and God is in the it.

Although I've been this way for decades, I'm pretty sure my concept of all of this was ramped up to heightened levels at almost this exact time three years ago. Courtship... Engagement... Wedding. The impossible aspiration of fostering peace while keeping everyone happy. Yeah... I killed myself trying & in the end, came up empty anyway. But hey, I tried...right? That counts for something doesn't it? It's who I am & God knows that for He crafted my heart to beat to such a rhythm yet as of late, He's trying to refine in me how to be okay when things are far from okay... How to walk in peace when the battle still wages on & no white flags have been waved... How to function at full-capacity when everything that is within me is equivalent to nothingness... How to dwell in joy when my heart is broken & worn... How to rest when there's work that seems to need done... How to exhibit patience when my spirit & my flesh want to forge ahead... How to trust Him in the broken...regardless of how long it may remain in such a state.

Even as vulnerable as it makes me, I am thankful for who He created me to be & the heart He placed within this temple in which He dwells. I may presently be lacking, empty & non-functioning but I know He is walking with me & regardless of how long this season may last or the condition of life when I emerge, I will trust Him. He is God & He is good.

A Whisper...

It's a Wednesday. My Tuesday was gross. To the extreme.

Grateful for grace...

By the afternoon hours I found myself incredibly humbled & thankful for the gift & promise of grace. Grace that covers hurt & frustrations... Mistakes & unbridled passions. Grace that steps in & reminds this heart of mine Whose I am & who I am to be. Especially in the midst of smoldering embers that have become engulfed...

The past several days I have awakened sluggish & unable to mentally move. Not like in a depressed, despondent kind of way (I very well know what that feels like) but in a way where cylinders weren't firing & every thought was foggy. I tend to forget, due to a hysterectomy, that I have hormones which cycle ever so often & those unrecognized hormones coupled with exhaustion are a dangerous concoction. Yesterday I awoke lethargic just like I did Sunday & Monday but as the morning progressed, situations beyond my control sprinkled gas on some embers that had been smoldering since late last week (or for the past forty years of my life). Embers that I knew were present yet embers that were under control (or so I thought)... Until fuel kissed them. One instance after another in a short amount of time found those embers fully engulfed & before I knew it, what was once controlled, quickly grew out-of-control.

Trivial junk...all of it. But when suppressed smoldering embers are kissed with fuel, it's never a good situation. 

The passions within my heart were already warmed & Satan knew exactly what buttons to push in order for those passions to go from warm to hot. And push my buttons, he did. Instance by instance I knew what was happening & did my best to keep things in check but it comes to a point where reasoning somewhere slips away... I was on the cliff of demise & found myself peeking over...placing my toes on the edge...considering the "what ifs" of jumping... I toyed but I didn't. At one point I was dangling one foot & then the Holy Spirit pricked my heart... I knew He was issuing a warning. That Still Small Voice... Not a scream yet a whisper. I listened.

Grace.

As the day continued to unfold, God kept reiterating, "It's none of your business. Mendi, it's none of your business. It concerns you not yet you are making it your concern. Let it go & let me be God. Disconnect yet don't become bitter. Separate yourself yet love. Temper yet remain soft."

How does one do that anyway?

Disconnecting without becoming bitter?

Separating while still exhibiting love?

Tempering while preserving a soft & moldable heart?

Grace.

And a will that surrenders itself to God's.

Laying down vengeance...

Turning over control...

Forfeiting entitlement.

As day gave way to evening, I found myself so ever thankful for grace. Thankful that the day I had just lived, would soon be over & that a fresh measure of mercy & compassion would meet me anew at the start of this Wednesday. Thankful that a whisper kept me from doing something that could have been unredeemable. Thankful that God is ever before me & beside me. Behind me & around me. Guiding. Leading. Encouraging. Counseling. Showing me the better way.

I woke this morning, thankful. And as I logged into fb, I saw a sweet sisterfriend's post that resonated within mine & I was reminded, "Mendi, some things are simply none of your business."

And then I received a text, "I feel really moody right now... I'm just impatient. Annoyed. With everyone and everything..."

How often is this me? A perpetual state of indifference.

Both the post & the text really made me do some self-evaluating... Made me stop & think... Compelled me to ask myself the question, "Would I recognize a perfect day if I was given one?" Or would I take on baggage that isn't mine & concern myself with business that had nothing to do with me? Would my marred nature find something to feast on & spoil the plenty?

Was yesterday intended to be one of those 'should have been' perfect days?

Could it have been?

Had I let it?

And purposed it?

There will always be coals in the deepest recesses of the heart yet God desires that those coals be kept cool & free from ignition. Tempered. Moderated. Kept under the protection of humility & discretion. Coals are reminders of how careful I must be & how dependent I must remain on Christ. They remind me that focus needs to ever be upon Him & the temptation of allowing the eyes of my heart to wander, must be continually realigned & redirected. They remind me that although I may have found healing & redemption in areas, the fiery darts of the enemy can come from seemingly nowhere in an attempt to pierce vital organs & if my spiritual armor isn't drawn & ready, I am vulnerable to injury.

Yesterday may have been a gross day for me yet it was a refining day. A day filled with moments that remind me that, although the passions within me may be intense, the power of Christ is greater even still. And that power, if I heed to it & surrender my heart to it, will rescue me from the highest cliff & the deepest cavern.

A whisper.

Grace.

And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, 

and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you;

That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without,

and that ye may have lack of nothing.

~1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart,

be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

~Psalm 19:14

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thus saith the LORD of hosts;

Consider your ways.

~Haggai 1:7

The Unparalleled Lens Of Humility...

Where to begin...

~Birthdays~

~A new member to our family~

~Gardening~

~Life~

Life is beautiful but do we always see it that way?

MaKayla & I were sharing an in-depth phone conversation the other day & in the course of our discussion, I mentioned to her that we will always perceive life through whatever lens we are looking through at that present moment. And depending on what lens we are looking through & how we are perceiving the image we are looking at, will many times determine our attitude... Our countenance... Our response. I could look at one situation through five different lenses & with every lens change, I would see it differently... Subsequently my attitude, my countenance & my response would vary. If I am looking at a particular situation through the lens of pride, the product might be selfishness... If I am looking at it through the lens of hurt, the result might be self-pity. If I am looking at that same situation through the lens of insecurity, I see shame... Bitterness, anger... Resentment, hatred. Pity, mercy. Humility, love.

As 2016 was winding down, the word the Lord seared on my heart for the 2017 year was humility. Abasement. Considering Christ first, others next & self last. And after five months of "orientation", I am finally getting familiar with automatically guiding my heart/mind/spirit to view life through the lens of humility. Not in just one situation...but in every situation. I will be candidly honest, I am a defaulter at heart, therefore my tendency is to revert to the flesh & follow the fickleness of emotions much like a "stress eater" turns to junk food to satiate/suppress inward (and outward) chaos. Although such behaviors briefly soothe the starving flesh, they malnourish the spirit. A momentary fulfillment, delivers indefinite starvation. In turn we are driven to return for more & more & more & we are no more satisfied in the end than we were in the beginning. We end up full...but of what? We end up sick...but do we know the cause? Or do we even care?

We can look through lenses that gratify self...but gratification only lasts for a season... We can view life & the complicated situations therein through lenses that only require change in the other person, but the only person we can have any control of changing is self... We can peer circumstances through lenses that would seemingly deliver ideal results, but they never do.

A momentary fulfillment, delivers indefinite starvation.

I have a few specific situations present in my life that, no matter how hard I think or how much I analyze or how many self-concocted elixirs I formulate, there simply is no cure to heal that which is cancerous & diseased. They keep my mind in a whirl... There is no blue-print to repair that which is broken. They cause my heart to be perpetually unsettled... And in the process of driving myself crazy trying to put back together what is undone, I found myself destitute & desperate. They keep my spirit groping, probing, pursuing as if hunting for a needle in a haystack. I found myself reaching for different lenses in order to see...as means to view from every angle...in an attempt that if I saw things "just right", I would discover the missing element to my elixir, the absent measurement to my blueprint, the mysterious glue that would bring wholeness. In an attempt to understand & restore. Reconcile & redeem. In an attempt to regain control. When I looked through the lens of hurt, I saw self-pity... When I peeked through the lens of bitterness, I found anger... When I peered through the lens of pride, I saw empowerment...but in an ungodly, self-generated way... When I viewed through the lens of insecurity, I saw condemnation & shame... And with each new perspective, I became sicker & weaker & more vulnerable. My countenance, attitude & demeanor followed. I became more mindless & helpless & hopeless & my responses followed suit...until I took hold of & lifted the lens of humility to my heart/mind/spirit & it was then that I saw peace... And rest... And assurance... And love... It was then that my spirit was quieted & my heart was contented. It was then that I was reminded that even though my situation wasn't rectified or resolved, it was well with my soul knowing Christ was aware & attentive. Advocating & interceding. Working in both the circumstance as well as in my heart.

Some things I have resolved, I can't fix nor can I change...

Life is messy & relationships are hard. People are beyond understanding & at the crux of it all, we typically only see things from our own individual standpoint based on how we were raised, what path our life has taken & diverse personal experiences we have encountered along the way, coupled with how steadfastly we are grounded in Christ & the Word. Our days on this earth & the contents therein don't always turn out as we had hoped yet intentionally purposing to examine our each every encounter through the unparalleled lens of humility, will always allow us to see things in the proper perspective. They allow us to see things through the vantage point of Christ.

Some things, 

I must lay at the feet of Christ & submit to His authority...

Over these past days/weeks/months, I have concluded that those situations in life in which things are beyond my control or contain more living, breathing components than just myself...situations that God allows to go "unfixed"..."unhealed"..."incomplete"...are there for specific reasons & purposes... They are there to act as "thorns in my flesh" as a means to grow my dependence upon Him, preserve humility in my heart & perfect the Fruit of the Spirit in every facet of my being... Remember? I am a defaulter... I need constant reminders... Repetitive promptings to refocus... Continual episodes of discomfort & vulnerability in order to redirect me back to Jesus. Hopefully one day...someday...the lens of humility will be so familiar & instinctive that I don't need a piercing thorn to signal which lens I am to look through.

They are there to remind me of what I am not, yet Whose I am.

As I reflect back on that teary-eyed, broken-hearted, painfully-candid conversation with my precious girl who, in the perplexity/complexity of life, is seeking to walk in the way that glorifies her Lord & examplifies the Person He is, my spirit is reassured in knowing, that no matter how long it may take, nor the outcome that may result, it is well...for He can be trusted & He is faithful.

But the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, 

gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: 

against such there is no law.

~Galatians 5:22-23~

Not Just Tangible Things...But Intangible Alike.

It's a cloudy kind of morning here but beautiful just the same. After so many consecutive days of gloom & rain, yesterday was filled with sunshine &warmth...just the boost I needed. The past few/several weeks have been rough... Kyle has been working much overtime... Busyness galore... Illness... School to do... Yard to mow... Here... There... This... That... I posted on Facebook sometime ago the quip of:

Mental sticky note to self...

Don't be grumpy just because you can be.

It conveyed my mood to a T... Grumpy. Touchy. Irritable. Grouchy. Easily annoyed. And I didn't attempt to hide it from anyone... When I am in such dispositions, I give fair warning. "I'm not grumpy with you...I'm just out-of-sorts. Don't take it personally." I couldn't snap out of it & I wasn't sure why. I knew God was working something out in me but I didn't know what. I was certain He was teaching me lessons, I just wasn't sure when this particular "class" would be over. Although everyone who had to spend time with me was understanding & patient, kind & encouraging (bless their precious souls), I wanted to pass that subject & move on to something else. It wasn't even that I didn't have self-control or temperance, I just couldn't get a handle on the "being easily annoyed" or "instant irritability" no matter what I did. I told Kyle that I wanted to slip away to a quiet cabin or remote cave & hide away, as to study for the final exam..as to not inflict germs on everyone around me, until I was "cleared"... Until graduation day arrived... I wanted quarantined. Not because I didn't want to be around people, but because my countenance, temperament & demeanor were toxic.

~April 10...2 Samuel 19-21
I do recognize heart-conditions that need deliberate care, work & attention & I wonder if God has allowed me to be in the mental state I am in, to show me... To help me see clearly... To bring me down to where I need to be in order to humble & rebuild me.
A tearing down as a means to restore.
-negativity
-pride
-mental busyness
-lack of intention
  
*A spiritual virus. And like other virus', one of this sort requires consideration & proper treatment...isolation & rest. A sabbatical/break from normal routine. 

~April 11...2 Samuel 22-24
I awoke this morning refreshed, renewed & regenerated. It's as if a switch flipped in my being overnight & the heaviness I have been bearing has been lifted & lightened. It makes me question if I am mental or if the Lord has graciously delivered me from such a despairing pit & debilitating virus that has been invading every facet of me. God, I give you praise & ask that You continue to restore me to full measure. As I read of David this morning...You are my lamp & you lighten my darkness. You are my Rock & my Fortress & my Deliverer. You are my Shield & my Salvation... My High Tower & Refuge & Saviour. In my distress I called upon You & my cry entered your ears. You are my Strength & my Power & You make my way perfect.
~2 Samuel 22
I still feel myself unsure & uncertain regarding my temperament these past few weeks yet You impress upon me, Humility. Humility fosters quietness & quietness fosters humility. A heart of humility is a heart of gentleness & understanding. A heart void of self & mindful of others. A heart of humility is the pedigree of heart You desire me to possess & nurture. A heart with you as God & me as one who needs & submits to Your voice.

~April 12...1 Kings 1-2
*Hosea 10:12,13
*Every action is a seed sown. -Matthew Henry

~April 15...1 Kings 8-9
Lord, You are vividly speaking to my heart about my attitude...my grumbling...my lack of gratitude & thankfulness. Focusing more on my "losses" than my "gains"... This degree of attitude accomplishes nothing more than destruction--for myself & for others & most especially it negates my reflection of You. -- These days of repetitive motion bind my heart up... The going... The noise... The lack of aloneness...quietness...and time in the Word leave me "mindless", intolerant & irritable & it impacts all those around me. Lord, You are correcting/chastising me for allowing the outer elements to morph the inner...

There it was...
The medication that cleared up my virus...
Gave me a clean bill of health...
The sickness was gone.

The cure was in the illness...

I could strip the gown, pull the IV line & break out of quarantine.

...my attitude...
...my grumbling...
...my lack of gratitude & thankfulness.

Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer.

1 Corinthians 10:10

There I had it...
The answer that passed the test...
Gave me a passing grade...
The class was completed.

The answer was in the equation...

I could turn my tassel, toss my hat & exit the gymnasium.

Focusing more on my "losses" than my "gains"...

In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

The revelation that my spiritual virus was a result of grumbling...lack of gratitude & thankfulness. The reason I couldn't seem to pass the subject I was studying so hard to finish is because I was focusing more on my losses than my gains...

~May 3...1 Chronicles 7-8
#2098 ♥walking with a rested body, a quiet mind & a heart filled with joy & thanksgiving

And as I entered into the bathroom this morning preparing myself for the day, I glanced over the east yard & my eyes caught sight of the innumerable dandelion pods... A sea of them... White... Plush... Wispy... Not just one...but hundreds. Truly, it was breathtaking. And then I was reminded of of the multiple blessings in my life... People... Opportunities... Simple pleasures... Health... Sight... Mobility... The ability to hear sounds. The knowing of peace & hope & joy... The reality of being loved. ♥ Not just tangible things....but intangible alike. Knowings because of experience. 

Knowings because of God.

~April 13...

A heart of thankfulness can transform an attitude/mood of despondency.

I'm still mesmerized by the uncountable dandelions that litter our yard & as I glance out over the green grass & see the sprinkling of white, I am reminded to count my blessings & to have an attitude of thanks & praise for the tangible & intangible alike. ♥

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings-name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly, 

And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;

Count your many blessings; money cannot buy

Your reward in Heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

~Johnson Oatman, Jr.

Who I Am...

Many moments of my day-to-day life, I simply sit & reflect. Not always sitting but always reflecting... I find myself thinking, considering & examining the reality of this life that God has given me...and entrusted me to live.

A wife...
A mom...
A child of His.

A daughter...
A sister...
A child of His.

A friend...
An acquaintance...
A child of His.

A sister-in-Christ...
To some, simply a person...
A child of His.

I, as well, know that to some I am an annoying burr who is a constant source of irritation & discomfort. I would be in a grave state of denial if I didn't acknowledge the fact that some people simply don't care for me... But is it me, myself, that they are appalled by? Or is it who I am?

The shell?
Or the person?

As I think about it all...the roles listed at the start, I am reminded of something I have heard my dad say a multitude of times in sermons from behind the pulpit & even most recently,

"What do you see when you look in the mirror?"

Although I've heard that question more times than I can count, this time around has had me doing much thinking & considering...

What do I see?
Who do I see?
What am I looking at?

The Holy Spirit has compelled me to examine further...

When I look in the mirror do I look only at the physical image...

Or at the spiritual as well? 

Which do I most examine? 

Do I even look past the surface...past the flesh of my face & the state of my hair?

I will admit that upon considering the questions above, my main reason & motive for looking in the mirror is to examine the physical. To evaluate the hair... What do I do with it today? To determine the skin... Cover it or leave it bare? To conclude whether I am presentable for public appearance... Yes, no, make adjustments. Of course this isn't what my dad was proposing when he posed the question, "What do you see when you look in the mirror?" yet personally, from my side of answering, it never moves past the physical when I stand before that piece of glass & gaze upon the reflection before me. But as I have pondered upon this discovery, the Holy Spirit has compelled me to examine further...

Do I look myself in the eyes...
And examine what is beneath?

In Matthew 6:22 it says, 

'The light of the body is the eye: 

if therefore thine eye be single, the whole body shall be full of light.'

What resides past the physical?
What dwells under the surface?
What is present in the inner places?

Light?
Darkness?

Understanding?
Indifference?

Do I contrive to return the glory to Christ or to honor myself?

Compassion?
Condemnation?

Humility?
Pride?

Do I simply look for the assurance of Christ or to the applause of men?

Quietness?
Whisperings?

Gentleness?
Rigidity?

Do I strive to walk in meekness as Christ did or do I attain to point prove?

Submission?
Control?

Love?
Disgust?

Am I courageous enough to "go there"?
Am I humble enough to acknowledge the rawness of reality once I arrive?

Am I the former or the latter? All too often, if I am honest, although I may attempt to display the former, the latter is what truly resides. In time, the faux can no longer be disguised. Even if man can't see, God does & so do I.

What does it take to see past the image in the mirror?
To see past the surface...
To see past the flesh...
To see further than the shell that carries who I am around?

The hair & the skin & the limbs are simply a vehicle by which my spirit is seen. Those components aren't who I am...my spirit is who I am. The inner man is who I am.

As I thought & prayed about this, the Lord placed on my heart Petra's song, 'Take Me In'...
Take me past the outer courts...into the holy place;
Past the brazen altar...to see the Lord's face;
Past the crowds of people & the priests who sing His praise...to the righteousness of Jesus.

Take me past...
Take me in...
To satiate the hunger & thirst for Jesus that writhes within me. For it's not found in the outer area but the inner, intimate places.

The temple or the tabernacle themselves weren't Jesus, Himself, they were simply His dwelling place. His place of residence. Therefore if I merely look upon the structure, I will fail to see the depth & the height...the richness & the glory...the wisdom & the grace. I will fail to see His beauty & I will never know the redemption of His salvation. It's moving past the tangible in order to see & understand that which gave all He had in order to rescue me from the dominion of darkness.

So who am I?

What lies past my shell? The surface? The flesh? My structure? For what lies past is what drives my every action, word, decision.

What lies past is who I am.

Just like Jesus isn't a concrete structure, I am not merely a shell of flesh.

Going deeper & considering all of this sharpens me to intentionally & genuinely examine my heart. To see what Jesus sees. To be real with myself. To acknowledge where the latter overshadows & trumps the former. To take those things & those areas & those attributes that mar my inward reflection of Christ & place them at his feet. To seek Scripture for instruction to correct that which mars & to search for tools to equip & empower me to emulate Him all the more.

Love... Joy... Peace... Long-suffering... Gentleness... Goodness... Faith... Meekness... Temperance...

Love... Joy... Peace... Patience... Kindness... Goodness... Faithfulness... Gentleness... Self-Control...

Regardless of how you word it, describe it or display it, the reflection is Jesus.

And it doesn't matter what role I am walking in...whether I am being a wife or a mom, a daughter or a sister, a friend or an acquaintance, a sister-in-Christ or simply a person, who I am should never fail to show forth Jesus. In both the spiritual and the physical for the physical typically follows the lead of the spiritual.

I want my whole body to be full of light...the light of Jesus.

The light of the body is the eye;

if therefore thine eye be single, the whole body shall be full of light.

~Matthew 6:22~

And my eyes will show forth how bright or how dim I am allowing that Light to shine.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?
Who do you see?

So Is God's Correction To Me...A Sign That He Loves Me...

I check the blog...
Five months passed...
Five months & one day.

How do the days trickle by & the months pass so quickly? 

Happy April! 🌷

A few weeks back I told both MaKayla & Mal that the only thing I wanted for Mother's Day was for the outdated blog to be updated. That's it. That's all. Nothing else. And if you're visiting for the first time in awhile, you can tell that they jumped right on my request. Working together... Side-by-side... And after a few long days... It was done & I was thrilled. ♥ Fresh pictures. Unnecessary components removed. A new music play list. The previous one kept throwing errors & playing advertisements which was something that drove me loony so, after much research, we decided it was worth a small monthly expense to create our own list of sounds that we regularly listen to here at home & make it available to you in yours. :) If only I could provide flickering candlelight as well... :) We'd like you to try it & let us know what you think... Unlike the one before, you will need to click the play button in order for it to produce sound rather than it automatically playing. As well, if you desire to listen from your phone, you will need to download a Spotify app.

It's hard to compile life's happenings over the past five months... So many happenings. So much learning. Innumerable experiences & a plethora of lessons. In it all & through it all God keeps teaching & correcting & guiding & strengthening... Grace upon grace. ♥ Daily instruction laced with His continual, unconditional presence. For such, my heart is inexplicably grateful.

I will share that after much prayer & consideration, the Lord repetitively showed me & faithfully confirmed in my heart that He wanted my word for the year of 2017 to be...

HUMILITY.

As I look back on the last post that I put together before such a lapse, I find that the word He so specifically placed on my heart, mirrors the very thing He was preparing to instill within me. Preparation. Preparation without me even fully realizing.

As I continue on, day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, I see God affording me opportunities to learn a new depth of a virtue I only remotely understood & minutely grasped. Sure, I knew what it was & what it meant, but knowing what it is & means is quite different than applying it & living it out. One is an idea, the other becomes a reality. One is considering, the other owning. One is entertaining, the other being intentional. Not giving self the option to dismiss, suppress or ignore. God seeing the truth & rawness of our hearts seems as a double-edged sword... The discomfort of correction yet the freedom that comes when that which needed correcting is clearly seen for what it is... That which was contaminating is as dross being skimmed.

Initial discomfort superseded by freedom.

Truly, I'm just incredibly thankful that God loves me to the degree that He corrects me & invests in refining my being in order that I can be more of a reflection of Christ. He reveals & discloses to my heart those things that impede me from being salt & light to others... Those areas of life that I fall short in bringing Him glory whether that be my countenance, my responses, my attitude. Just like a parent to child, so is God's correction to me...a sign that He loves me & desires something better. ♥ Never see correction from God as negative or unloving or shameful... Absolutely the opposite of all three...

Correction shows:
♥ Favor
♥ Care
♥ Affirmation

It shows that He has something more...
It reveals that what I am lacking, He wants to provide.

It shows that He has wisdom...
It reveals that where I am ignorant, He has the means to tutor.

It shows that He is Lord...
It reveals that when I am stubborn, He summons submission.

I wonder why we always correlate correction with an adversary...

He is not my enemy...He is my Savior.

And not just mine, but yours as well... ♥

My intention now that things are up-to-date with the playlist functioning properly, is to do more blogging here & less on Facebook. Short, simple things there...more in-depth sharings here. :)

Life is well for us...busy, but well. Kyle is working much overtime & Mal has been diligent beyond explanation with her studies. I see so much change in both of their hearts as what both of them once dreaded & abhorred, they both have learned to appreciate & find purpose in. ♥ Blessing upon blessing. ♥

Due to God extending an opportunity, Dillon & MaKayla have recently relocated. It's further from us however Kyle & I see so much purpose in what God asked & instructed them to do & for a parent, seeing your children take uncertain steps of faith as a means to obey, there is truly no greater reality. We still see them regularly & FaceTime daily & have even spent a night with them. Such a blessing they are to our lives...

~Never a dull moment...

~Ever.

~Learning the Keurig...

~Latte goodness...

~Enjoying coffee together...♥

(Mal was present but was currently getting around for church when all of these were snapped...)

I'm super excited to be back "home" in my blog & am eager to share with you, not only the happenings of our lives, but most importantly the goodness & grace of Christ.

Much love...