Regardless...I Will Trust Him.

Life has a way of taking its toll & I would be the first to admit that I'm in what seems to be a lengthy toll-taking season of life. I'm not depressed but honestly, I'm not in a healthy state of mentality either. Kyle held me close this morning prior to his departure for work, prayed over me & assured me of his love & support...

It was what I needed. ♥

We talked when he arrived at his dwelling for the day before he entered that enormous, blue, metal building with a giant red 'K' on it...

"I don't know what has happened to me..."
"Life. Life & stress."
"Yeah...I know..."
"I know meds won't fix anything but maybe you need to get an appointment. Maybe something else is going on..."

Simple tasks that I've forgotten how to do...
Past moments that I can't recollect...
Thoughts that I can't pull together no matter how hard I try.

Inability to engage...
Responsibilities left undone...
Apathetic to the deepest part of my core.

We chatted for a few minutes.
I cried.
He assured my heart. ♥

I confided that I am somewhere, I'm just not sure where. I've arrived here, and I'm not sure how. I just know that where I'm at is unsettling to my spirit. I'm someplace between exhausted & apathetic. Lifeless. And I care, but at the same time, I don't. It's not even that I don't like how I feel, I'm just aware enough to know that I'm going through the motions of daily life all-the-while missing the essence & richness that are mine to be had. These days, weeks, months & years are precious...never to be had again & I'm in some cloudy fog aimlessly wandering around. As I told Kyle, I see why people minimize themselves to a four-walled room & hide away. I understand how they inch their way to such small, confined spaces. Isolation of the safest kind.

Quietness.
Comfort
Security.

I get it. I understand.

I've said for several weeks now, since the Home-going of Grandma, that disappearing looks appealing. Not in a self-harm sort of way but in the way of removing myself from the components that weather a heart & whittle the spirit away.

Stress.
Strife.
Dismissal of the most isolated kind.

And if I'm hiding internally, why not literally hide?

I'm pretty sure I've arrived here by constantly considering...
Considering elements.
Considering others.
Considering everything that surrounds me.

And in the end, I have no idea who I even am. Oh, I do in the spiritual sense... I know I am God's child & if He were all I had to consider, it might be easier. Sitting in my rocker this morning, I reflected on the life of Jesus...He lived to do the will of His Father & He didn't deviate from that will for He knew the will of His Father would be to the benefit of all mankind. Even if what God asked Him to do inflicted pain or sadness or sorrow or correction, He followed through knowing that fruit would emerge & God would get the harvest. The glory. Jesus was God in the flesh. He was incapable of making mistakes... Mishearing... Misunderstanding... He could be nothing short of perfection. I am man. Flesh. The Spirit lives within me yet I am capable & quite efficient of mistake-making... Mishearing... Misunderstanding. Sometimes it is a choice of the carnal will yet most often, those realities are a result of ignorance or uncertainty. Wanting to do the right thing but not 100% certain of what that is based on who it involves. His Word tells me I am to consider others better than myself & I am to take into account the thoughts, feelings & implications of those around me in the midst of making decisions, responding to life & living these days I have been given. I am a considerer to the nth degree.

To the point of not really knowing who I am...

As Kyle & I talked last night & again this morning, I've done this life this way for so long that I have no concept of making independent decisions with the exception of...
*I want short nails with no polish
*I want my hair as natural as possible
*I want clothing simple, comfy & functional
*I want to shop at Hy-Vee rather than Wal-Mart under any & all circumstances

Where we eat...I don't care.
What we do...I have no opinion.
Where we go...I'm along for the ride.
Just tell me what to do & I will comply.

Make it easy for me.

Please, just make it easy for me.

Since I became a parent nearly 24 years ago, this has been my state & candidly, with the exception of a handful of times, I've been perfectly perfect with it. It's who I became & who I am. But for one reason or another, the past two & a half months have altered me beyond what I ever would have imagined. The contents of the most recent 5, 961, 600 moments of my life have been laden with trial & emptiness & heartache & sadness & bitter gall. Loss of the most intense degree. Anguish of the most excruciating form. And I humbly admit, it's taking its toll on me. I don't deny that I'm not handling life well. At all. The Bible says that the heart is the wellspring of life...guard it. The King James Version puts it this way...

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. 

~Proverbs 4:23

The condition of our heart determines how we process the issues of life... My heart condition is of a broken & weak state therefore my processing of life's issues seems paralyzed. Literally. Even the smallest of things have the potential to send me to a quick death on a slippery mudslide plummet. Yesterday it was the lack of cohesion on repopulating our chicken colony... The day before it was lunch options, hair cut decisions, grocery selections...sewing grass seed on Grandma's final earthly dwelling & adorning her "place" with flowers that she just might see as beautiful. Just make a decision for me. I am incapable. Hold me close & dry my tears. I am empty. Understand where I'm at even though you can't & you don't. I am in a current place of destitution. Above all, please refrain from telling me I'm wrong for feeling the way I do or that I need mental/medical attention. I'm aware of my state. And I am also confident in the Counselor above all counselors... The Physician above all physicians... He knows where I'm at & step-by-step He promises to light my path & guide my way. I know this is just a season & seasons don't last forever...thankfully. ♥

In the rawest of forms, this season has simply surfaced the person Mendi is... And for some, that's a hard, chilling reality to look in the face & accept. People who deeply love me & genuinely admire this aspect of me...until it becomes the near death of me...literally. It's who I've been for 24 years, it's just that the past two-plus months have altered my ability to function & have magnified the already lack of independent reasoning within me as well as the abundance of consideration for others.

Can lack be magnified?

And what happens when abundance is administered the same?

Overtly, I have lived a life of awareness... Noticing other people's needs, wants & desires. And making it my purpose, aim & goal to see that those needs, wants & desires are met to the best of my capable ability... Regardless of what it costs me. In turn, I rarely have an opinion & most often, I don't care as long as those around me are nurtured. Nothing blesses my heart & fills me with joy more than the evidence of other's fulfillment. Sadly, meeting the needs, wants & desires of some these past days, weeks & months have conflicted with the wants, desires & expectations of others leaving the scales inexplicably out-of-balance. Fulfillment on one side... Dismissal on the other. The reality of it all is anguishing to my entire being but as I have said for quite some time, even before the onslaught of Grandma's earthly departure, 'It is what it is...and God is in the it'. True statement through & through which reassures my heart yet leaves a big portion of me sorrowful & empty. I guess that's a vast & wide difference between Jesus & me... His blessing, glory & joy came at the knowing that He had done exactly what God had instructed Him regardless of the response & attitude of who it affected. The fleshly return of His obedience. His focus was submitting to the Father rather than appeasing man. His aim & goal was to live in perfect harmony with the Spirit. His purpose was to fulfill the promise of Grace. Too often I am distracted by the awareness of man while for Jesus, man was secondary to God yet God's primary purpose is that His will be accomplished in all creation.

It is what it is...and God is in the it.

Although I've been this way for decades, I'm pretty sure my concept of all of this was ramped up to heightened levels at almost this exact time three years ago. Courtship... Engagement... Wedding. The impossible aspiration of fostering peace while keeping everyone happy. Yeah... I killed myself trying & in the end, came up empty anyway. But hey, I tried...right? That counts for something doesn't it? It's who I am & God knows that for He crafted my heart to beat to such a rhythm yet as of late, He's trying to refine in me how to be okay when things are far from okay... How to walk in peace when the battle still wages on & no white flags have been waved... How to function at full-capacity when everything that is within me is equivalent to nothingness... How to dwell in joy when my heart is broken & worn... How to rest when there's work that seems to need done... How to exhibit patience when my spirit & my flesh want to forge ahead... How to trust Him in the broken...regardless of how long it may remain in such a state.

Even as vulnerable as it makes me, I am thankful for who He created me to be & the heart He placed within this temple in which He dwells. I may presently be lacking, empty & non-functioning but I know He is walking with me & regardless of how long this season may last or the condition of life when I emerge, I will trust Him. He is God & He is good.

Trust In The Affliction & Praise In The Pleasantry...

November 1st.

Time doesn't speed up.
Time doesn't slow down.
Time is time.

60 seconds in every minute.
60 minutes in every hour.
24 hours in every day.
Seven days in every week.

Time.
Time. Is. Time.

Yet when I visit the blog, I realize that May was my last post. And I wonder, how did that happen? How did I allow that to happen?

Time.

Time with people.
Time with the Lord.
Time doing what He has instructed me to do.

Time loving.
Time investing.
Time contemplating.

Time healing.
Time learning.
Time considering.

Time searching.
Time seeking.
Time listening.

In order to understand.

Although time has passed, the time in between has been fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.
Truly.

Not without pain, difficulty & testing yet all-the-same, fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.

Isn't that God?

Helping Grandma move & settle.
Storing summer's bounty for winter's provision.
Walking with those I love through one of life's hardest trials.

And this morning as I contrast & compare, I wonder how one day life can be pleasant & peace-filled, while the next is laden with struggle, frustration & at a loss as to how I should process the events therein. Am I bi-polar? Am I fickle? Do I lack stability? Laughable but true.

Satan would like to convince me of such...

Yet as I seek the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminds me that days are diverse. He reminds me that the diversity of days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...to Him.

I had about two weeks straight where life was absolutely restful, contented & filled with pleasantries, and then BAM, I had a day that, from start-to-finish, was outlined, shaded & filled in with irritations, frustrations & testings. Externally, I did my best to conceal the grossness of my heart but internally, both God & I (Mal, Kyle & one other individual) knew the poison that permeated.

The poison that permeated my thoughts, feelings & emotions.

Since that day a week ago today it's been a day-to-day reality. Pleasant. Not-so-pleasant. Positive. Negative. Empowered. Defeated. Restful. Tormenting.

And my heart has wondered why...

Why on again, off again?
Is it me?
Is it a wavering of faith?
Is it selfishness?
Is it weakness?

One day I concluded it was hormones...
Another day, it was due to how I awoke...
And yet another dependent upon what I ate.

All valid options.

When the alarm alerted me yesterday morning signalling a new day, a new week, reminding me of what lie ahead for my Monday, my heart stirred & wrestled. I knew the day was steeped with the potential for struggle, strain & difficulty however the type that I had envisioned wasn't the pedigree that resulted. An intermittent convo with Mal & then a quick chat with Kyle, followed by a brief visit with MaKayla left my heart assured of prayer yet still unresolved. In the midst, Marci dropped me a quick, unexpected phone call & her pleasant voice, brightened my countenance. We didn't talk about specifics of the situation I was dealing with but our momentary exchange of life happenings, helped me move forward in my day. Without her even knowing. ♥

The events of my day changed & took on a different shape & form, leaving me in a position of completely trusting God. Uncertainty loomed. Apprehension lingered. The steeped potential for struggle, strain & difficulty remained. Yet I purposed to proceed in full-on trust that the One who knew what lie ahead would go before me & prepare the way. He would provide grace for the circumstances. He would protect the sensitivity of the situation. He would shelter the hearts involved.

And He did.

Struggle? Yes.
Strain? Yes.
Difficulty? Yes.

Yet in the midst He was faithful.

This morning as I continued to pray over yesterday's situation & anticipated a quiet, contented Tuesday at home with Mal, my heart went back to the question of "why"?

Why on again, off again? 

Is it me? 

Is it a wavering of faith? 

Is it selfishness? 

Is it weakness?

Yet as I sought the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminded me that days are diverse. He reminded me that the diversity of days intensifies my dependence upon Him & keeps me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

On those days where the potential for difficulty is there...
And the brimming reality of struggle is possible...
And the steeped likelihood for strain is at a high percentage...
TRUST.

I knew yesterday was a day drenched with vulnerability on my part & my only option was to pray, depend & trust. That's it. Nothing within me could fix, change or prepare... Everything was out of my control. Beyond my dominion. Far surpassing my determining. I was bare-faced & vulnerable & believe it or not, as crazy as it may sound, there was a deep-seated comfort in my uncertain spirit. A reassurance of assurance. A reminder of faithfulness. A guarantee of Presence.

You don't have this...

But I do.

I Am.

A day saturated with trust.

Today...a contented day. A quiet day. A spiritually restful day. A day where God says,
"Praise. Just embrace & praise. Give thanks. Simply embrace & give thanks."

What He is showing me is that time is time...always the same. The same minutes. The same hours. They hold the same expanse with each that comes & goes, yet those minutes & hours turn into days. And those days are diverse. One day filled to capacity with pleasantries... Days that change us. The next overflowing with immeasurable affliction. Days that transform us. And instead of analyzing the why (yeah, that's my default...I'm always on a quest to understand), trust in the affliction & praise in the pleasantry. Time never changes yet we change through time. We change over time.

Days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

As Mal & I drove to fill the truck up with gasoline this morning, I found myself acknowledging how deeply grateful I am that, because of Jesus, regardless of the day & what it holds, I can trust and I can praise. And that as seconds turn to minutes & minutes turn to hours & hours turn to days, God is drawing me closer to Him through each & every situation He orchestrates.

Let go of the 'why' & simply rest in His presence. Rest in the trusting. Rejoice in the praising.

But I trusted in thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my God.

My times are in thy hand...

~Psalm 31:14-15

Quietness That Allows God To Be God...

Algebra 2...
Tozer's study of Hebrews...
A cup of hot coffee...
Honey Blossom Yankee flickering...
Jim Brickman.

It's been a long while & although I've sat down from time-to-time to share my heart, something happens that I am unable to finish the thoughts I desire to share. I've gotten to the place of, why start if I can't finish...thus no current posts.

I sit in quietness this morning...quiet.

I sit thinking...
Praying...
Considering.

I sit reflecting on what God is showing me and teaching me. I sit meditating on how He desires me to apply & work out that which His Spirit is instructing my heart. I sit here giving thanks that when I am at a loss, He knows the answer. He knows what I need. He is the fulfillment to my wonderings. And as I quietly seek, He gently responds.

Some days I feel like I can totally, absolutely, completely conquer the world...

And then on most other days, 

I feel like taking care of myself & remaining focused on what's "mine to own" is a feat in & of itself.

There are those days that I wake ready to jump from bed prepared to tackle anything & everything that comes to mind...even if it really isn't mine to undertake. And then there are those other days that if I think of anything other than what I know is mine to accomplish, I melt. Into a puddle. My mind gets overwhelmed & the thought of adding something extra, whether it's a physical task or something of the emotional sort, is more than my brain can compute. The past few days have been that of the 'melting in a puddle' kind. And as I begin to melt, God quietly reminds me...

...and aspire to live quietly, 

and to mind your own business, 

and to work with your own hands...

~1 Thessalonians 4:11

Every time I think on this verse, my mind drifts far & away & concocts of how life would have been here on the farm nearly 70 years ago when it was established... Before 24 hour stores... Prior to cell phones... When Sundays were a day for worship & of rest...literally. I asked Mom not long ago if Grandma Jean was a busybody "in the day"... If she would have known where her neighbors were or what they were doing at all times... In the days before social media & the "convenient" instant access to anything & everything. I can briefly remember life as such when I was a young girl. A reality that regretfully our children will never fully know.

Life in Grandpa & Grandma's day was a quiet life... A life where work was hard & it took all hours of the day to accomplish that which needed done. A life that required intentionality.

A hard life yet a simple life.

A life that took all of one's energy & diligence, where there was no time left to worry or dwell on what others were doing. Where they were going. Or their personal problems.

And I wonder...

Is that life achievable today...

Our family has attempted to live simply...quietly. And in that attempt we've many times been deemed as sheltering or removed or uninvolved. Yet it's when I'm home, away from the hustle & bustle of life, that my heart is most at peace & my mind is abundantly at rest. 

Some see that as simple-minded...and it is.

It's a place where the distractions are few & the temptations are minimal. Most would say that is an isolated world & idealistic society yet when I think back on the day-to-day life of Grandpa & Grandma, that was life. A life at home. With the exceptions of church, grocery shopping & an occasional outing with friends, that verse in 1 Thessalonians is what they purposed & aspired to live.

And they did.

Spiritually.
Physically.
Relationally.

And it's what I desire.

I think I realize this more now having a child that is married with a husband and her own home. With parents who are aging & battling health struggles. Where life isn't as easy for them as it used to be. Where daily living is more complex. Where my flesh just wants to rush in & fix it, change it, ease it & make it all okay. In correlation to the child and the parents.

And God says to my racing, churning, turning heart...

"Be still."

I met with a friend a week ago for coffee & she conveyed to me how overwhelming it is when you're trying to mentor & encourage & help others that you see could benefit from your assistance. Or at least you think. Yep. Been there. Done that.

I conveyed to her that if the very things God has entrusted me to do go undone or are neglected because of my supposed ability to help... Or if I am so overwhelmed due to trying to attach strings from my heart to twelve different people while my own people are going unnoticed... Or if my zeal & communion with God has lost it's place as a result of burning a candle at both ends...

Something is out of kilter...
Someone is out of line...
And that something or someone...
Would be me.

There are going to be times & seasons where I am asked for counsel... For help... For my physical presence. In those times & seasons, as God directs, I will counsel. I will help. I will be present. But if I constantly have my "feelers" out trying to be a super-hero to everyone that I think needs my involvement, I am failing to mind my own business. And quietness is far from me.

Been there. Done that.

Prayerfully to never do again.

I distinctly remember one of the most profound times that God enlightened me to this. My momma underwent a routine colonoscopy only to discover an area that appeared "abnormal". Shortly thereafter pathology reports confirmed that a portion of her colon would need removed & surgery was scheduled to rid her body of the suspicious section. I had firmly set in my mind for her to see the surgeon that had previous worked on Kyle & a man that we highly respected. Dad knew how I felt yet Mom was resolved to have the procedure performed at a local hospital by a local physician/surgeon. My opinion wasn't sought & although I wanted to push my case, God firmly conveyed to me to, "Be still". He distinctly told me that unless my opinion was asked, it really didn't have anything to do with me & I needed to respect their choices. Period. Suspicions were confirmed, Mom was positively diagnosed with cancer in her colon & I accompanied she & Dad to one of her initial oncology appointments in which the doctor(s) outlined all treatment options & then gave his/their recommendation as to what he/they deemed best. I knew how I felt but again, I wasn't asked therefore I didn't speak. Quietness.

The same story when MaKayla proceeded with marriage despite deep concerns that Kyle, Mal & I shared. She was aware of how we saw things yet she was certain of what God was calling her to. She was resolved in how she felt Him speaking. She was earnest in hearing His voice rather than the voice of man.

Quietness.

Quietness that allows God to be God.
Quietness that respects another's heart.
Quietness that, knowing or not, brings freedom to a restless soul.

Quietness that squelches control...

And turns it over to the One who owns it.

God has really been showing me how dwelling & mingling in the outer courts has no fruitful end, for the outer court is full of noise and activity and distractions and, as I read earlier in my commentary, "Satan is very busy to disquiet us; and we have that in our own hearts that disposes us to be disquiet..." Yet it is in the inner court...within the holy-of-holies...where we find quietness & solitude & intimacy. Where we can be still & know...that God is. Who God is. And what God desires of me...you...us. Sadly, we'd rather meander... Hearing other people's stories... Problems... Dilemmas. All of which God instructs us to steer clear of & stay far from. For in these things destruction looms. Waits. Entices.

God says...
Live a quiet life...
Mind your own business...
Work with your own hands...
Be still.

Sadly, we meander...
We mingle...
We dwell...

In the noise.
In the activity.
In the distractions.

And as a result, we are burdened, overwhelmed, weighted down.
We can't sort out what is ours & what belongs to someone else.
We try to fix that which we have no tools to repair...
And we concern ourselves with things that really are none of our business.

God says...
Live a quiet life.
Mind your own business.
Work with your own hands.
Be still.

And if we do, His Word says that we will walk honestly...
We will behave properly...
We will win respect.

Many times this requires plugging our ears...
Scaling our eyes...
Shielding our hearts...
And swiftly making our way through the outer courts.

It requires constantly, daily, continually, reminding myself to seek God for direction in...
What He wants me to accomplish...
Who He longs for me to reach out to...
Where He desires for my feet to go...
The words He asks me to speak...
Which situations He compels me to involve myself...
Or not.

With my girl...
With my daddy or my momma...
With my friends...
With my family...
With those in my midst.

~quietness~

making no noise or sound

free from noise

silent

restrained in speech or manner

free from disturbance or tumult

being at rest

refraining or free from activity

It's hard...
It takes intentionality...
It requires discipline.

It means saying no to the flesh & yes to God.

It is my purpose.
It is my passion.
It is my desire.

Quietness.

Swiftly moving through the outer courts...
And finding my dwelling in the most holy place.

Quietness.

I am finished with the attempt to conquer the world...
I am up for the challenge of taking care of myself & remaining focused on what's "mine to own".

...and aspire to live quietly, 

and to mind your own business, 

and to work with your own hands...

~1 Thessalonians 4:11

What Does Maturity Look Like... How Would Maturity Show Forth...

It's a gloomy, gray & rainy day here. The wind is swift yet the breeze is warm...at least for mid-November. The weather we have been experiencing for this time of year has been phenomenal. Other than a few frost-bitten nights, the days have been mildly wonderful. But since our home has been filled with snot & sneezing... Coughs & Kleenexes... We haven't been out much. First, Mal & then Kyle...causing him to miss a day of work. Sunday night I wanted to hog-tie & muzzle him. Snort, sniff. Toss, turn. Cough, moan. Up & down. Bathroom. Drink. Throat lozenge. Bathroom. Blowage of the nose. Coughage of the throat. Slurping of the water. Bathroom. Snort, sniff. Toss, turn. Cough, moan. Goodness... He & I had a pleasant conversation the next morning at the difference between women/moms with illness & men/fathers who are ailing. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing men but this is the real deal... Seriously. And the internet says there is proof that sickness with men is more intense than with women... Go figure. Maybe my patience should have waned longer... :) I put all things in perspective & remind the ailing often, "It could be the pukes..." They quickly relent their misery. :) In the midst of it all, life continues on. ♥

My lengthy blogpost is nearly finished & will soon be filed into the hidden archives. So much understanding, freedom & release comes in doing the painful & although I had to push myself to continue on, I am so thankful that I did. Honestly, putting thought to finger is a means of revelation, wisdom & redemption for me. Getting my thoughts out gives me the ability to let loose & move forward. With the sentiments of my heart documented, I can free up that portion of storage space...in my mind...in my heart...in my spirit. I can let it go & let God work it out. So blessed by friends who challenge me to do that which would be easier to bury...suppress...harbor yet what benefit are any of those things? None at all. To anyone. And gives Satan the opportunity to continually resurface. No thanks. I'm in search of freedom, not bondage. I may post a few of the excerpts that I feel may be beneficial to others & where specific details lack disclosing... Love is the rule... Love protects. ♥

Something that has been wafting in & out of my mind & that God keeps showing forth glimpses of is maturity. Maturity. And most of us as adults would think that since we are adults, we are mature. But I wonder...are we? The areas God has been showing glimpses of, He asks, "What does maturity look like in this situation? How would maturity show forth in that response?" It's made me do a lot of thinking & searching. Seeking & evaluating.

I have a small, diverse, humble circle of women on facebook who belong to a closed group that I created a year or so ago. It's a group that I comb for thoughts... Insight... Understanding... Most of them have never met, don't know one another or have no association with each other yet we are all sisters...in Christ. I am grateful for their sporadic fellowship & transparent hearts in this journey of life. So grateful. Last week's question was, "In doing some study this morning I am attempting to comprise a list of specific marks of maturity. I have a few things penned but wanted to ask for further thoughts on what you see/deem as attributes of spiritual & emotional maturity? Anyone willing to share?" One humble heart shared that she was having such an "immature week" that she wasn't sure she could identify with maturity. Haven't we all been there? Transparency at it's finest. :) One mentioned humility & another selflessness. A few others... An open mind, willing to look at both sides of anything. As well as turning the other cheek & taking more flack than we deserve. Another sweet sister who I have never personally met yet have deeply grown to love & respect (and someday hope to sit across the table from) first said the Fruit of the Spirit came to her mind & then added, "When the Bible uses the word 'perfect' it can mean mature, particularly in the NT. (Like when it says in Timothy that the man of God be perfect.) Job was called perfect in the same verse he was described as upright, feared God & eschewed evil." Ah...this resonated. And compelled me to dig...deep...into God's Word. Her response sharpened me into looking past surface maturity & searching to know how God sees & defines maturity. Do any of you know how I passionately wish & wish passionately that I could weekly sit with a group of women to dig & search & seek...together...over coffee or hot tea...with Bibles wide open...and hearts lain bare? In order to know more?

I had already scribbled several thoughts of revelation in my journal...

Content...
Peaceful...
Focused.

And as I worked around the house, the Lord would place more on my heart...

Certain...
Intentional...
Resolved.

And as I reflected on how I processed life, more filtered in...
And I was enlightened to my "lacking".

Unshaken...
Assertive...
Unselfish.

Bit-by-bit...my list grew...

Not emotionally driven...
Doesn't minimize others...
Solid.

The ability to distinguish correction from criticism...

Conviction from condemnation...

Sharpening from ridicule.

Consistent...
Quiet-at-heart...
Owns mistakes.

Lives in the Spirit rather than in the flesh...

Self-discipline...
Sees personal weakness as a means of growth...
Isn't prone to self-pity/self-martyrdom.

Loving and forgiving as a child would...

Thinking and responding as an adult.

Doesn't feel the need to defend oneself...
Faces adversity rather than runs from it...
Desires to grow/enlarge others.

Mature people are aware of the desires, feelings & purposes of those around them as a means to not intentionally offend yet they don't "own" those desires, feelings & purposes themselves.

Faces conflict with humility & courage...
Rejoices with others in their accomplishments...
Takes ownership of responsibility.

Mature people know who they are, how & what they believe. 

They take ownership of their individual feelings, desires, purposes & emotions & they not only fail to ask others to take ownership/responsibility for those things but they, as well, don't allow others to diminish, discourage, negate or devalue the person they are.

Isn't easily provoked or quickly angered...
Doesn't use manipulation to get their own way...
Not an excuse-maker.

Receives correction, conviction & sharpening with grace...

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

If I placed a big, red ouch beside each area that I know without any question that I fall short in, well, you would think vastly different of me.

If I graded myself on this list above & marked a bold, red check mark near the ones I am lacking in, my grade would be one of failure.

Considering the list thus far, how do you see yourself in light of maturity?

There is NO drama in the heart of a mature person.

Drama that says...

Look at me...

Feel sorry for me...

Take pity on me...

See how wonderful I am...

Please place your attention on me.

As my one sister-in-Christ shared, some days/weeks I do fairly well & others...well...epic fail. This compilation really stretched me & gave me much to think about & consider. Honestly, it's made me more aware of when I know I am not acting or responding in a mature manner & it reminds me...

It reminds me that I am 40-something & God expects me to act as such...

I mean really, when we act or respond in an immature manner, what does this do to our Christian witness & our integral character? These aren't elementary concepts however how often do we truly evaluate? For me, not near enough.

~maturity~ 

*The ability to respond to the environment in an appropriate manner.

Appropriate manner... Yep, if I compare that statement to the list above, it works.

*This response is generally learned rather than instinctive.

Interesting... Maturity is learned... Somewhere... At some point... From someone. Maturity doesn't just happen. Which means that since we are adults, people, of all ages, are watching us. Learning from us. This reality was enlightening & humbling. Someone watching could be modeling their level of maturity after me...

*Maturity also encompasses being aware of the correct time & place to behave and knowing when to act, according to the circumstances and the culture of the society one lives in.

This statement made me think of several things... It reminded me of MaKayla & Mal watching Barney as little tykes & learning that some voices are intended for inside use & some for outside. It makes me think of times when we tried to help kids understand that running outside or in a gymnasium is acceptable where inside a church or enclosed building is not. It stirs me to remember that certain conversations of sensitivity are acceptable with some people & some simply aren't. The list is endless...

Once I had this list tucked safely in my journal, I began studying Biblical/spiritual maturity... And I turned immediately to my concordance, commentary & Greek-Hebrew Bible. I first focused in on six specific Scriptures & after reading them individually, I expanded the study into reading the entire chapter where each verse originated in order to gain a better understanding. So that I made sure that what I was reading was in context.

"The goal of the Christian is expressed by the Greek word teleioteta, which is translated 'maturity'. The believer is to pursue maturity instead of going back to the initial rudiments of Christianity."

The questions that stir within me in correlation to that explanation are...
How many Christians have intentional, spiritual goals?
How many believers pursue spiritual maturity?

full-grown in mind and understanding
in knowledge of the truth
in Christian faith & virtue
irreproachable, blameless, fitted, complete, perfect, entire, whole
NOT to be confused with the Greek word anamartetos, meaning without sin or sinless.
the act of completing, finishing, a filling up

Do you notice all the things maturity is & the one thing it is not?

As I studied, the more God's Word became the solid, foundational platform that upholds that lengthy "surface list" outlined above.

1 Corinthians 2
Be mature in understanding & wisdom & then live by it. If the Spirit lives within me, I have understanding in regard to spiritual things. Do I accept that which the Spirit imparts? Do I apply it & live by it? Spiritual maturity does.

1 Corinthians 14
Mature individuals aren't self-edifying. They are always mindful of strengthening & encouraging the weak rather than "parading" their strengths. They don't seek what is best or most comfortable for themselves rather they consider the enlargement or furtherance of others. Is this how I live? Spiritual maturity does.

Ephesians 4
Maturity is keeping the bonds of peace & remaining unified with other Christians even when we may not agree. It is remaining consistent in what we know rather than being influenced by emotion or manipulation. For our goal is to sharpen one another & to encourage one another in the wake of eternity. To help those we share spiritual bloodlines with grow & be strong as we sojourn this side of Heaven. Are those my goals? What about you? Spiritual maturity does this.

Philippians 3
Maturity is leaving the past & the shame therein behind us. It is taking where we've been & where God has brought us & sharing it as a testimony of His goodness & faithfulness. It's using what we have learned to press on to find, gain & achieve that which Christ has in store for us. It is looking past differences with fellow believers in order to make much of Christ, all-the-while, seeking to gain understanding & clarity at the core of those differences. Do I do these things? Do I let shame go free when my sin is forgiven or do I stay connected to it? How about you? And is your greatest desire to make much of Christ even when other Christians don't agree with your position? And at the disagreement am I willing to continue searching until I know that I know that I know what God has shown me is Truth? And if I was seeing things wrong am I willing to acknowledge my ignorance in order to establish a stronger unity? Spiritual maturity does.

Colossians 1
Maturity is growing up in Christ. It's daily deepening our understanding & our knowledge of who He is & who He has created us, as His children, to be. It's moving past the milk & having a genuine hunger & desire for the meat. It's taking our eyes off of the temporal in order to strive for the eternal & having our focus being away from we, in the flesh & fixing our gaze on He, in the Spirit. Do you find yourself satisfied or are you always looking for something new to learn? Are you getting enough nourishment to just get by or are you consistently hungry for "the more"? Are you going deeper? Seeing further? Spiritual maturity never settles.

Hebrews 5
Maturity is knowing the basic principles of salvation & God's Word & moving beyond. It is the ability to move past the "stories", the familiar passages, the Scriptures that are flippantly used & having the ability to see the depth beyond the surface. It's building on the foundational truths. It's taking the wisdom/knowledge gleaned & applying it...putting it to use...working it out. Do I do this like I should? Or am I at times like the soil upon which the seed fell but didn't allow it to penetrate, take root & sprout in preparation for growth & the bearing of fruit? Spiritual maturity does.

Spiritual maturity is moving past the milk (basic teachings) & embracing the meat...

But we can't do that if we aren't in the Word.
Daily.

Babies don't stay babies...
Toddlers don't stay toddlers...
Adolescents don't remain adolescents.

Or at least they shouldn't...

And most would question if they did.

Yet sadly, the vast majority of Christians never advance beyond the stage in which they turned their lives over to Christ. Like all other transitions in life our walk with God is a gradual transformation by being stretched & challenged & nudged out of our comfort zone. It's moving past the elementary teachings & searching His Word to know more. To gain a better understanding. To gain wisdom on who He wants us to be. But how many are willing to put forth the effort? What number of Christians are comfortable right where they are? And have no desire to be anything or anyone different?

That list above...
Pushes me...
Stretches me...
Challenges me.

The ability to see past the surface of another person's heart to the truth & depth therein yet without the compulsion to judge, condemn or offend...

It reminds me that I've come a long way from where I was but reveals that I still have a long way to go.

As I've pondered this I see where the church itself is partially responsible yet we as individuals are responsible as well. Many pastors continue to teach the pablum (as my pops refers to it) & fail to place the meat in front of their congregations. They shy away from the complicated teachings or the areas that could cause unrest, discomfort or confusion. However isn't that where transformation most often takes place? Isn't that where you see the most growth in children? When they are encouraged to go from crawling to walking? When teething takes place? When they have to stop using their fingers to feed themselves & are challenged to use a fork & spoon? Transition is a part of everyday life...except in our walk with Christ. We don't want anyone to feel offended/convicted... So we just stick to the familiar... The easy to understand... The things that don't stir controversy. Yet if the meat is never placed in front of us, how will we ever move beyond the milk?

And we remain immature...
Stunted...
Unlearned.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

~1 Corinthians 13:11

Because if we aren't being challenged to transform, grow & expand our knowing in the public meeting of worship, we must take responsibility, through the grace & influence of the Holy Spirit, to engage a deeper learning for ourselves.

It's essential.
And something we will be held accountable for.

Whether it's getting up earlier, staying up later or removing something from our schedule that carves time out & frees up space for study & prayer.

When it comes down to it, maturity is a choice. 

Whether of the secular nature or of the spiritual nature...

It's a reality that requires desire & effort...
Sacrifice & intentionality.

I look at my life & it's tempting to be deeply ashamed...
For so many reasons...
In so many areas.

I haven't handled things correctly nor have I responded in a responsible manner. I recognize so much immaturity in regard to my role as a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I see where I have acted in so many unbecoming ways with fellow Christians & unbelievers alike. I am reminded of moments where I could have been a tool of instruction but instead I allowed the other person/people no opportunity for learning. I acknowledge situations where I have been more of a disgrace to God rather than an instrument for His glory.

Those moments when I felt like I had to "prove" myself...
Or defend.

Those instances where instead of listening & remaining still...
I felt compelled to contribute my "two cents".

Those situations in which I felt intimidated or insecure...
And I recoiled into self-pity.

Those times that I knew I should be considering the other person...
And I could only think of self.

Those circumstances where an element of drama was added...
But was so unnecessary & only added an emotional twist  in order to place attention on me.

My heart confesses...

I am humbled...
I am repentant.

And now that I have been enlightened I have no excuse & every time I refer to this list I am reminded. I may often feel as though I have a "right" to act, respond or display an attitude as I wish yet such thinking is shallow; for God is continuously placing me in opportunities & situations where I can make much of Him & be an example to others.

He is showing me that in my "lacking", He desires to redeem me. Where in those "wasted years" with MaKayla & Mal, he longs to guide me in helping them see maturity for what it truly is. That I can genuinely apologize to them for the poor example I have been yet vow to point them in the right direction through my words, my attitude, my actions & my responses. That they can detect a difference in me & begin to repattern some of their "learned tendencies". ♥ I never meant to damage...that was my last intention & I am most thankful that ignorance can be redeemed through the grace of God & the blood of Christ.

So thankful...

For grace that covers...

And blood that cleanses.

If you've made it through this lengthy post, I would be humbled & honored to hear your thoughts. ♥

Was maturity modeled for you in your formative years?
Do you feel like you have a good grasp on maturity?
Are there areas after reading this where you see adjustments could be implemented?

Thank you for doing this Christ-following journey with me. ♥

Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.

~1 Corinthians 14:20

We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because  you are slow to learn.

In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you

the elementary truths of God's word all over again.

You need milk not solid food!

Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant,

is not acquainted with the teachings about righteousness.

But solid food is for the mature, 

who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.

Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity,

not laying again the foundation of repentance from the acts that lead to death,

and of faith in God, instructions about baptisms, the laying on of hands,

the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgement.

~Hebrews 5:14 - 6:1-2

For He's A Carrier...

The past week has been full of regaining normalcy & transitioning back into "typical life"...

Ten weeks ago Sunday evening Kyle began not feeling "well". Not terrible, just not well. The gut cramping he was experiencing wasn't anything completely unusual as it occurred on occasion (due to suspected blockages) so we dismissed the discomfort he was noticing. He was up & down throughout the night dealing with the annoyance & by early morning I encouraged him to call in to work saying he would be late due to lack of sleep. He made his way to the basement to contact his General Foreman & after a few minutes as concerned as I was, I went down to check on him. As I rounded the corner at the top of the stairs, I saw his crumpled body on the floor... Drenched to the point that I had no idea where he had found water or how he had gotten so wet. I chastised him for not hollering for me when I realized that his pain was so severe that he couldn't move or talk, only to signal that he was about to get sick. Mind you, in the 26 years we have been together, I think I have only known Kyle to throw up maybe, MAYBE five times at the most so I knew the situation was crucial. Literally, I wasn't convinced that he wasn't going to die right there before my eyes... MaKayla was up, heard the commotion & came running to help her dad as I called Troy seeking advice of where would be the best place to take him, knowing time was of the essence if indeed it was a blockage.

(I know it sounds crazy to some but I've always contemplated where I would take Kyle should he need medical attention in correlation to his ileal pouch. I'm not borrowing trouble yet reality is reality & in the case he would need emergent care, I wanted to have an idea...)

His situation is different than most & in no way will I just let anyone "mess around" with such "expertise artwork" that Dr. Page created seven years ago this last Friday. No way.

Troy gave me his advice... 

I called... 

I prayed... 

I watched... 

I prayed... 

I waited... 

I prayed.

MaKayla & I got him up off of the floor & maneuvered him back upstairs to the couch where he assured me he was some better. I wasn't convinced.

I talked to this doctor & then to another. 

I waited. 

I prayed.

Again, Kyle said he was better & was certain that he had passed whatever it was that was causing the issue.

I wasn't convinced.

His GI doctor finally called & said to bring him to St. Joe for x-rays & bloodwork, so we loaded up & made the trek stopping several times along the way due to how sick he was. We arrived... 

Bloodwork...check.

X-Rays...snag.

The radiology tech that was working with him took a few films & then asked him to come to the "viewing room"... "Mr. O'Riley, have you swallowed something within the past few days..." 

"Um, no..."

"Tell me everything you have eaten..."

"Do you see this..."

"We need more films...and then I want you to go straight to the doctor's office."

Once I knew there was something "present", I looked at Kyle & said, "We're obviously going to be looking at surgery...and we need to have a plan as to where we feel most assured/confident given your body..."

We talked & discussed in the ten minute drive to Dr. McCormick's office...

He came in, chuckled a bit, sat down in his rolly chair... "How long ago did you have the endoscopic capsule study... Yes, it needs removed... Minor surgery... A general surgeon can do that here... Four week recovery..."

Nope. 

Not comfortable.
We would head elsewhere.

Dr. McCormick said that his nurse would be in touch with Dr. Page to get something set up but it would probably be a good idea for us to get in touch with him as well. As soon as we were out to the car, I called Dr. Page's office & within a short amount of time his nurse returned my call. I explained the situation... She asked questions... And then said that Dr. Page wanted to visit with me himself.

We chatted.

He agreed that he didn't want anyone else touching Kyle.

Surgery was scheduled.

Pack your bags...

Only clear liquids...

He would meet us at the hospital mid-morning the next day.

He had talked to no other doctors...

He had seen no films...

He had no evidence that what I was saying was true.

Yet he trusted me...

Favor. 

God's divine favor.

Lots to process on that hour and a half drive home yet I purposed to trust.

I purposed to swallow my own fears & emotions & uncertainty in order to be strength to Kyle & MaKayla & Mal.

I purposed to allow Christ to be strength & sufficiency in my personal weakness.

I purposed.

We arrived home...

Shared the situation at hand with the girls...

Attempted to keep the evening as normal & chill as possible.

As Tuesday arrived, I began gathering clothes for me, pj's and comfy things for Kyle.

I lined out the girls.

Prepared as best I could.

Surely clothes for five days would be more than enough.

I wasn't taking any more than that.

We would be home by then.

MaKayla rode with me to fill the truck with fuel before we headed out and she said, "How are you?" I gently explained that at this point & in situations as such, it simply didn't matter how I was, nor was it going to do anyone any amount of good for me to think on how I was feeling..." 

Survival mode, I was in survival mode. 

Onward. 

Upward. 

One foot in front of the other...

Trusting God every step of the way.

Needless to say that just a few days before, Mal was getting her driver's permit & we snagged a quick lunch with Kyle in the parking lot of his place of employment...

Life ebbs...

And flows...

And changes instantly.

Kyle & I made the trek, got checked in, found our room & waited... 

Gown on...

IV in place.

Resident doctor visited with us...

Skin check completed...

Declared NPO.

X-Rays ordered...

X-Rays completed...

Yep, the culprit was still there.

Dr. Page made a visit & said everything was set for the next morning & that it would be a quick & easy recovery of the "gem" that had been flitting & floating & getting anchored for the past FOUR years... Yes, I said four. But instead of the 2-3 day hospital stay we had anticipated...plan on 5-8... I disregarded that last piece of information convincing myself & trusting God that Kyle would amaze the doctors & bounce back in miracle-size fashion. I was certain we would be home by Super Bowl Sunday...an event we were so looking forward to with MaKayla & Mal. Little did I know...

Little did I know...

Wednesday dawned & they came for Kyle ahead of schedule.

Miraculous.

I walked beside as they wheeled him to surgery & then together, we waited...

And prayed...

And cried.

Nurse checks...done.

Anesthesiologist visit...finished.

Lovely blue hat...in place.

The "see you later"... ♥

My heart wrenched...

I found myself to the surgery waiting room with the assurance from Dr. Page that this one that I love more than life would be in & out in less than thirty minutes & with strict instructions...I located the Starbucks tucked in the rear. Those who knew of the situation & know me well, knew that once food for Kyle was restricted, I would restrict myself as well. I was instructed to get something...

The waiting area of Methodist is so cozy with couches & chairs & a fireplace right in the middle. I searched until I spotted a little corner of quietness where I could hide away with my Latte' & muffin. A place where I could still my heart & pray & wait. I had been given a pager that was to go off as soon as Kyle was done which would signal me to go to the nearest consultation room. There, I would meet with Dr. Page...

Thirty minutes...eager.

Forty-five...a bit concerned.

An hour...knots in my stomach.

I made my way to the consult room where Dr. Page shared with me that the procedure was much more extensive than he had originally anticipated. The lingering capsule was located & removed but Kyle's small bowel had been overtaken with adhesions & a stricture was located at the surgical site of his 2008 colectomy thus the reason the capsule had never passed. The place of his original colostomy was nearly the circumference of a half dollar but had narrowed to nearly the diameter of a pencil eraser... This was discovered by the surgical staff literally feeling their way down the length of the entire small bowel...cutting adhesions as they went & reopening the restricted area. An NG tube was typically protocol in such situations but Kyle had already had words with Dr. Page regarding the reality that the catheter was to BE GONE before he woke up... He said, "It was a toss up. I knew he was going to kill me for leaving the foley in & I knew if he woke up with it and an NG, it wasn't going to be pretty. I left the catheter in & am taking a chance with leaving the NG out. If he has any nausea, in it goes." The tears began to well up... And as a result of all the unexpected "extras", the hospital stay would be the longer part of what he had told me in the beginning...no less than five days & more than likely the full eight. Ugh... 

My heart sank.

To my gut.

I was sick.

I found my way back to the waiting area where people's whispers seemed as clanging symbols so I wandered around & finally nestled into a little area where an older lady sat alone knitting & reading. I needed quiet. And a comforting presence. 

I couldn't pray... 

I couldn't concentrate... 

I could only cry.

This sweet spirit glanced at me & then back to what she was doing & back at me again. I knew she wanted to speak but chose to remain quiet. I dug out my journal & a pen & my Bible. I poured out my heart, my fears, my uncertainty to God while the tears continued to fall... I hurt for Kyle... I was sad for the girls (choosing to be courageous & stay around home in our absence in order for things to be cared for)... And I wondered how in the world we would tackle all that was in front of us... As I was finally pulling myself together, Dad showed up...and then I lost it again. Just seeing his face... Feeling his embrace... The reality of His presence.

They came to let me know that they were taking Kyle back to our room so I should begin making my way there as well. Dad & I snagged an elevator & arrived just a few minutes before the "carriage" of the one I love. We waited outside N669 until he was carefully situated & nicely tucked in bed. As Kyle rested & attempted to awaken from the anesthetic that sedated his body, Dad & I visited, shared & caught up on life. We talked about all that God was doing in our lives & the work He is in the process of accomplishing. Sweet moments with my pops. ♥

As Kyle began to awaken, he took walks...

Gave the spirometer the attention it demanded...

And put in a much needed/wanted call to his bestie, Thomas.

The days that followed were surreal...

Unexpected...

Difficult...

I remember looking at the January calendar when we were first admitted to our room thinking, there is no way we will see the February calendar placed on that wall... We will be out of here before then.

Little did I know...

A good day here...

A bad day there.

Yet in it all & through it all, God's presence was so close, peace was never beyond my reach.

MaKayla & Mal stayed at home, did some fun things together & spent time with my family. I was still in high hopes that our hospital stay would be shorter than the doctors anticipated as Kyle was up & moving...walking...active...but round after round...morning & afternoon...they challenged us to be patient...to wait. Due to the extensive way in which they had manipulated Kyle's bowel, patience & endurance were pertinent & nothing we did was going to hurry the process along. His gut was temporarily "paralyzed"...in it's own way & time, it would reawaken. Day after day, nothing by mouth...and when I say nothing, I mean nothing. This concept was hard for some to understand however what goes down, must come out...somewhere. And if the bowel was sleeping to the point that it couldn't process the contents moving downward, it would only have one direction of coming out...up. And if it came up, we were facing the placement of the bedreaded NG tube. A reality we would avoid at any & all cost.

We were patient.

Television...

Yahtzee...

Phase 10.

Walks...

Naps...

Worship music.

Marci text me several times each day as well as came & visited twice which was refreshing to our spirits. Once, a day or two after surgery, and then again on my birthday. She brought me healthy snacks knowing I wouldn't leave Kyle to eat. Just having her close was such a tremendous gift but the knowing that she was thinking of my well-being meant more than words could ever express. ♥

The days continued to pass & my clean underwear supply quickly dwindled. It was obvious that our "going home by Sunday goal" wasn't going to come even close to happening & in my discouragement Marci would constantly remind me, "Take one day at a time... Face each day as it comes." Once I took hold of her encouragement & accountability, I was able to let all expectations go. I decorated our room & had music playing most all the time. We enjoyed nurses popping in just to see if we needed anything...some of which we grew to love & appreciate beyond explanation.

They were our family away from family...

Mal received her "official" permit in the mail... ♥

Bri sent us pictures of she & Chris & Oakley... ♥

We watched Lifeflight go in & out...

And construction on the hospital...

We found traces of Tuck... ♥

February arrived...

We strongly contemplated the girls coming to see us however we all knew that when it came time to part ways & facing the moment of "saying good-bye", it wouldn't be productive or fruitful for the oldest in the family & the youngest in the family. :) Us two middlers, would be fine but the others, not so much... We facetimed & talked & text. We exchanged pictures. With God's help, we made it work. ♥

Super Bowl Sunday came & went & with it a severe snow storm... 

Marci had planned a visit...

But travel was impossible.

And then my birthday arrived.

And so did my sister. ♥

With Jordan, Tuck & sweet surprises in tow. ♥

And on top of all that, Kyle arranged for one of our most fav nurses to get me flowers of which when delivered, I was serenaded...♥

Never have I been so surprised. ♥

Little did I know...

Picture-perfect birthday...
Besides Kyle being in the hospital...
And minus MaKayla & Mal.

Yet God was so good & took the "lacking" & made it abundant.

Dr. Ongstad told both Kyle & myself that once he reached a certain point & turned the imminent/desirable curve, things would move quickly & we would be dismissed in no time as long as no concerns surfaced. By the morning after my birthday, we got the green light to stop the IV fluids & start clear liquids. Hallelujah!

He tolerated those well so we advanced to full-liquid...

And with the "unhookage" of the IV tubing, Kyle ditched the gown & donned his 'Team Aydan' shirt. :)

Finally permission for a normal diet...

Pizza was his goal... :)

I started packing bags & making preparations for the journey home. Again, just as with Kyle returning to work, saying good-bye to those we had grown to love & see as family, was...bittersweet.
For us...
And them.

Thursday morning arrived.
Bags packed...
Dismissal paperwork complete...
IV removed...
Tearful hugs given.

We made our last trek down N6...
Bittersweet.

As I walked that hall for the final time I couldn't do much more than thank God for His indescribable provision & protection & goodness to us.

For grace...
And peace...
And the sweetness of His presence.

For intelligent minds...
Compassionate hearts...
And skilled hands.

For doctors who truly cared...
For and about the one I love most... ♥
And who took time.

To listen...
To assess...
To administer.

Due to much prayer it was an uneventful, pleasant ride home...just us two.

To be back in our place of dwelling...
Wonderful.

To reside once again with MaKayla & Mal...
Amazing.

To have Charlie return to Kyle's lap...
Comforting.

To rest on your own couch...
With no beeping...
Or interruptions...
Perfect.

To have family near...
Thankful.

As I look back, I stand in awe. I stand in awe of the Master & the Creator. The Living Sacrifice. I stand in awe that One so sovereign & powerful & amazing & mighty cares about...me. Us. Kyle. MaKayla & Mal. That He has known since the moment He breathed life into existence that we would walk this road... And we would find ourselves where we are. It's a reminder to me that I never, ever, ever have justification to worry or doubt.

For He's a carrier...

He carries whatever load or burden we are bearing & He has provision already in store. And in the midst of that load or burden...He carries us.

Simply, He asks us to trust...

This season has been a faith-builder & a love-grower & a trust-strengthener. It has been a season of drawing us closer to Him. It's been a season where He has shown Himself to us in ways we otherwise would not know Him as. And on top of that...we see reasons that this...

was unknowingly neglected & lost for the past four years...

Resulting in an incision as such...

For such a time as this.

We see.

Little did I know...

Yet I know.