Grief Is Not Measurable...It Just Is.

A year ago today we said our final goodbyes & reluctantly placed the physical being of my precious Grandma in a cold, dark grave. She, herself had already ascended to Heaven with Jesus, but the tangible part of her that we touched & held & embraced was laid to rest. The part that held cards & did crosswords. The entity that loved liver & onions & delighted in any activity that included hearts, spades, diamonds & clubs. The portion that always greeted me warmly & never failed to kiss me on the cheek. This has been the hardest, most painful year of my life thus far & just when I think I’m “getting over it”, a face, a word, a song, a memory happens.

Adjusting to her absence. 

Accepting her goneness. 
Missing her friendship. 

Reminding myself daily that ‘129’ is no longer a “home” to me nor does it inhabit belongings of “her”. Her furniture. Her clothing. Her mirror, her tweezers, her comforting scent. As I have keenly reflected these past days & weeks of a year ago & the slow & arduous steps of Grandma’s final journey Home, I am reminded of the reality of grief. As I look around me & see people I care about letting go of people they love, I am reminded of the reality of grief. As I walk alongside of people who have had lives they would have given their own for, ripped from their hands, I am reminded of the reality of grief. Yes, through Christ we have hope & peace & joy yet grief is a very real element of life & when one loves deeply, one grieves deeply.

Jesus knew grief intimately. 

No matter the age.
No matter the situation.
No matter the circumstances.

Grief is grief. 

It’s a dagger to the heart & an ever-draining leak to the spirit. It’s a literal nagging anguish that perpetually empties a person of the fullness that once was. And as damaging & unfortunate as it is, many carelessly slip into the dark & cavernous pit of “measuring” grief.

In light of themselves.
In light of others.

Grief is not measurable.
It just is.

Grief is grief. 

Some look at others & say, “Move on.” Others look at some & think, “Why can’t I move forward?” I’m finding that the nature of the relationship between the one who has left & the one who is left often determines how grief is processed.

Missing... Regret...
Void... Guilt...
Longing... Shame...
Purpose... Lost chances.

Just one more day to either embrace or to mend. 

And that deep, cavernous pit of measuring does nothing more than sink the heart further into greater hurt & heavier sorrow. I’ve been on both sides of where the measuring line lands...on one side of the stick is a heart of insensitive pride & on the other is lonely, internal isolation. Either failing to choose to understand the grief of a heart that is anguishing or being misunderstood in the relentless pain that lingers on.

Both are crippling... 

One doesn’t have to understand the grief to have compassion on the heart grieving. 

The grieving heart only longs to be understood & embraced & assured. And one doesn’t know that it’s understood until another says, “I may not know but I understand... I may not know but I see... I may not know but I will walk with you & beside you... No matter the time. No matter the distance. I am all in, I understand & I am here.”

This season of life continues for me & as it continues, I continue to learn. It costs nothing to understand & to assure & to love in the midst of heartache & grief.

Regardless of the situation...anticipated or sudden.
Regardless of the circumstances...terminal illness or trauma or suicide.
Regardless of the age...two or eighteen...twenty-three or forty...seventy or ninety-five.

Grief is grief. 

And even when a heart rejoices at the life lived & the moments embraced & the memories cherished, the heart grieves. It recounts. It misses.

It longs for just one more day...

...which after that one day would want one more and then another & then another. One day would never be enough so we accept what is, we give thanks for what was & with the hope of Christ at our helm, we move forward investing in others what we desire others to invest in us...understanding.

As I have journeyed this path, the grace of Jesus & the presence of the Holy Spirit have carried me & taught me. They have assured me & strengthened me. On many days They have been my only hope & peace. Grandma was so much more to me than a visit when it was convenient or an appearance when I was summoned...
She was purpose & friendship.
She was accountability & companionship.
She was steady & she was comfort.

She was home. ♥

The joy of the Lord IS my strength yet joy often doesn’t equate “happiness”. Peace, yes. Happiness, no. Some days the longing is just inexplicable & the tears are relentless. And as I continue grieving in my missing, I resolve to extend understanding to others who are trekking the same path.

Regardless the situation.
Regardless the circumstances.
Regardless the age.

No matter the time.
No matter the distance.

And on inclement days like today (much like the day of her burial), Grandma would have been calling me up in an attempt to convince Kyle that it just wasn’t wise to travel home & to cozy in with her where it was safe & warm. ♥

If Only For Awhile...

This post is per MaKayla’s request…

A great Christian couple that lives not too far from us called MaKayla a few weeks back asking if she would be interested or willing to help them out for several days caring for some things around their home while they were away on vacation. They happen to breed & sell English Bulldogs so the majority of her responsibility was to care for seven momma dogs & 30 puppies, one of which need bottle-fed. She would need to let mommas out, clean pens, let mommas in, let puppies eat, let puppies out, let puppies in, do momma/puppy laundry & of course love on them in between time. It was a tremendous opportunity & one that she saw as a great challenge & blessing.

In the midst of these puppies was one that wasn’t “thriving” therefore he needed to be bottle-fed every three-to-four hours. He was a tiny little thing…helpless & needy…yet so sweet. Upon the return of our friends, MaKayla was offered to take this little one home to shower with TLC & care for. If he survived, she could keep him for her own. Jon told MaKayla to take her time in deciding, there was no pressure at all. On our trip home that day we discussed the idea as a family & came to the unified conclusion that we would love the opportunity. ♥

Sunday afternoon found us picking up our “baby” who we affectionately called “Winston”. We gathered baby blankets, suitable options for a bed, a baby bottle that we thought might work, a heating pad & other supplies to care for this new addition to our family. ♥

The first night MaKayla & Mal slept out on the living room floor with “Winston” close beside. Kyle & MaKayla set their cell phone alarms every three hours to awake for this little guys feedings. After the first night, MaKayla somewhat learned the responsibility of a needy baby. Waking, feeding, burping, cleaning & tucking back in “bed” only to wake three hours later to do it again. She never, ever complained but grew closer & closer attached… ♥ She loved… ♥ She cared… ♥ She nurtured… ♥ She cuddled… ♥

Winston grew & became more active. He thrived. He pooped (often). He cried (only a little as with every little whimper somebody came running). He scooted around. Simply put…he was precious! ♥

Thursday we decided to take him for well-vet check since we thought he might have a minor infection that needed to be treated with antibiotics. Us girls loaded him up in the van & off we went. I drove so that MaKayla could cuddle “Baby Winston”. We ran through ‘Sonic’ for Happy Hour Limeades & then off to the vet to meet Kyle for “Winston’s” first appointment. ♥

Dr. Ed came in & we chatted a bit as he started assessing our baby. Heart checked out healthy. Eyes were starting to open. Color was good. Upon the last part of Winston’s check, Dr. Ed discovered something that concerned him greatly. A problem that without multiple complicated surgeries simply couldn’t be fixed. And even with the surgeries, there was no guarantee. The problem was one that would involve other issues as this little guy got older. ♥

We were shocked.

We were devastated.

We were saddened.

He gave us options…

Put Baby Winston to sleep…

Do nothing &see what happened…

Pursue specialized surgeries…

Go home & think it over…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I looked at MaKayla. ♥

MaKayla looked at Me. ♥

The tears started to flow… ♥

Dr. Ed looked helpless…

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He was just as saddened as the four of us, for that is where we took Kyle’s black lab, Fletcher when he was sick. He really didn’t want to play this scene with us again.

We talked it over & since MaKayla had already began noticing some of the “signs” that Dr. Ed explained would probably start evidencing themselves, she came to the heart-wrenching conclusion that she didn’t want her “baby” suffer as she had seen Fletcher. She held him tightly in her arms, tears streaming down her face, looking at me, wishing, hoping that the situation were different. We again tossed around our options & again she said, “I don’t want to let him go, but I can’t selfishly hold on when I know he can’t get better & there is nothing I can do to help him. I won’t make a decision that chooses suffering for him.” ♥

MaKayla held Winston, gave him kisses & then allowed Dr. Ed to do what needed to be done. We stayed in the room. Desiring to be close. We carefully wrapped him in his soft little blanket (one that once held MaKayla & Mal when they were tiny babies), paid our bill & quietly left the clinic. Mal rode home with her daddy. MaKayla, with Winston cradled in her arms, rode home with me. ♥

A sad, tearful & empty ride home… ♥

I know to some this seems like a silly thing. I might too, if I hadn’t walked the road myself… But to us, it was real. It was traumatic. It was painful. It cut to the core of our hearts. ♥

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Kyle & MaKayla found a box just Winston’s size, lined it with a cuddly little fleece blanket and then carefully laid his lifeless body inside & closed the top. Kyle wrote a little note on top & then offered for MaKayla to do the same. ♥ On it she penned:

I’ll like you forever... ♥

I’ll love you for always... ♥

As long as I’m living... ♥

My baby you’ll be… ♥

Kyle prayed…for peace…for comfort… ♥

He thanked God for the short-lived opportunity to love a life so helpless… ♥

For even if it was for only awhile, it was worth it! ♥

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

MaKayla chose a spot that she wanted Winston buried. ♥

Front yard. ♥

Under a tree visible from the front door & picture window. ♥

Kyle went to work digging & once the hole was the necessary size, MaKayla carefully laid the box inside. Handful-by-handful she sprinkled dirt over Winston’s box until the hole was filled. ♥

We sat as a family… ♥

Sun beginning to set… ♥

Warm breeze blowing… ♥

Mourning over loss… ♥

Kyle again prayed… ♥

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.

Job 1:21

In a post upcoming, MaKayla will be sharing life-lessons she has learned through Winston’s journey. ♥