Trust In The Affliction & Praise In The Pleasantry...

November 1st.

Time doesn't speed up.
Time doesn't slow down.
Time is time.

60 seconds in every minute.
60 minutes in every hour.
24 hours in every day.
Seven days in every week.

Time.
Time. Is. Time.

Yet when I visit the blog, I realize that May was my last post. And I wonder, how did that happen? How did I allow that to happen?

Time.

Time with people.
Time with the Lord.
Time doing what He has instructed me to do.

Time loving.
Time investing.
Time contemplating.

Time healing.
Time learning.
Time considering.

Time searching.
Time seeking.
Time listening.

In order to understand.

Although time has passed, the time in between has been fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.
Truly.

Not without pain, difficulty & testing yet all-the-same, fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.

Isn't that God?

Helping Grandma move & settle.
Storing summer's bounty for winter's provision.
Walking with those I love through one of life's hardest trials.

And this morning as I contrast & compare, I wonder how one day life can be pleasant & peace-filled, while the next is laden with struggle, frustration & at a loss as to how I should process the events therein. Am I bi-polar? Am I fickle? Do I lack stability? Laughable but true.

Satan would like to convince me of such...

Yet as I seek the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminds me that days are diverse. He reminds me that the diversity of days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...to Him.

I had about two weeks straight where life was absolutely restful, contented & filled with pleasantries, and then BAM, I had a day that, from start-to-finish, was outlined, shaded & filled in with irritations, frustrations & testings. Externally, I did my best to conceal the grossness of my heart but internally, both God & I (Mal, Kyle & one other individual) knew the poison that permeated.

The poison that permeated my thoughts, feelings & emotions.

Since that day a week ago today it's been a day-to-day reality. Pleasant. Not-so-pleasant. Positive. Negative. Empowered. Defeated. Restful. Tormenting.

And my heart has wondered why...

Why on again, off again?
Is it me?
Is it a wavering of faith?
Is it selfishness?
Is it weakness?

One day I concluded it was hormones...
Another day, it was due to how I awoke...
And yet another dependent upon what I ate.

All valid options.

When the alarm alerted me yesterday morning signalling a new day, a new week, reminding me of what lie ahead for my Monday, my heart stirred & wrestled. I knew the day was steeped with the potential for struggle, strain & difficulty however the type that I had envisioned wasn't the pedigree that resulted. An intermittent convo with Mal & then a quick chat with Kyle, followed by a brief visit with MaKayla left my heart assured of prayer yet still unresolved. In the midst, Marci dropped me a quick, unexpected phone call & her pleasant voice, brightened my countenance. We didn't talk about specifics of the situation I was dealing with but our momentary exchange of life happenings, helped me move forward in my day. Without her even knowing. ♥

The events of my day changed & took on a different shape & form, leaving me in a position of completely trusting God. Uncertainty loomed. Apprehension lingered. The steeped potential for struggle, strain & difficulty remained. Yet I purposed to proceed in full-on trust that the One who knew what lie ahead would go before me & prepare the way. He would provide grace for the circumstances. He would protect the sensitivity of the situation. He would shelter the hearts involved.

And He did.

Struggle? Yes.
Strain? Yes.
Difficulty? Yes.

Yet in the midst He was faithful.

This morning as I continued to pray over yesterday's situation & anticipated a quiet, contented Tuesday at home with Mal, my heart went back to the question of "why"?

Why on again, off again? 

Is it me? 

Is it a wavering of faith? 

Is it selfishness? 

Is it weakness?

Yet as I sought the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminded me that days are diverse. He reminded me that the diversity of days intensifies my dependence upon Him & keeps me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

On those days where the potential for difficulty is there...
And the brimming reality of struggle is possible...
And the steeped likelihood for strain is at a high percentage...
TRUST.

I knew yesterday was a day drenched with vulnerability on my part & my only option was to pray, depend & trust. That's it. Nothing within me could fix, change or prepare... Everything was out of my control. Beyond my dominion. Far surpassing my determining. I was bare-faced & vulnerable & believe it or not, as crazy as it may sound, there was a deep-seated comfort in my uncertain spirit. A reassurance of assurance. A reminder of faithfulness. A guarantee of Presence.

You don't have this...

But I do.

I Am.

A day saturated with trust.

Today...a contented day. A quiet day. A spiritually restful day. A day where God says,
"Praise. Just embrace & praise. Give thanks. Simply embrace & give thanks."

What He is showing me is that time is time...always the same. The same minutes. The same hours. They hold the same expanse with each that comes & goes, yet those minutes & hours turn into days. And those days are diverse. One day filled to capacity with pleasantries... Days that change us. The next overflowing with immeasurable affliction. Days that transform us. And instead of analyzing the why (yeah, that's my default...I'm always on a quest to understand), trust in the affliction & praise in the pleasantry. Time never changes yet we change through time. We change over time.

Days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

As Mal & I drove to fill the truck up with gasoline this morning, I found myself acknowledging how deeply grateful I am that, because of Jesus, regardless of the day & what it holds, I can trust and I can praise. And that as seconds turn to minutes & minutes turn to hours & hours turn to days, God is drawing me closer to Him through each & every situation He orchestrates.

Let go of the 'why' & simply rest in His presence. Rest in the trusting. Rejoice in the praising.

But I trusted in thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my God.

My times are in thy hand...

~Psalm 31:14-15

There Is Never A Reason...

So much has happened & taken place since I last blogged that I really don't know where to begin... After so much action & motion over these past ten months, I am hoping that today just might be the first day of a "back to normal" schedule/way-of-life (it wasn't). The amount of times that the desire & thought of sitting down to type my thoughts into words so that I can see them, think through them & process them has been innumerable yet while those desires & thoughts were so very real, they also came at a time when someone or something needed my attention therefore it simply hasn't happened...until today. :) Sunday as we sat on the patio I found Mal on her phone smiling yet intent so I asked, "Mal, whatcha' looking at?" Her response, "The blog..." ♥

Looking back... 

Remembering... 

Being reminded. ♥

Lessons learned... 

Situations in life... 

Moments we cherished, relished & savored. ♥

I have been asked so many times to please, please, PLEASE start blogging again yet it has been one of those things that I simply didn't deem as a priority. And as precious, dear & deeply-loved sister-friend of mine messaged me the other day, we discussed my absence of shared thoughts... I opened my heart to her of certain life situations that have been miserable, painful & suffocating... It was no surprise to her, as although she hasn't "seen" me lately, she could "see" that my joy is dimmed.

So thankful for those who know me well enough to recognize even without "seeing"...

In person...

And reach out to check in & check up.

I revealed bits & pieces of my heart & told her that I wanted to pen...to type...to share...but knew the reality of that could be damaging & detrimental. Her caring reply, "Write your blog and send it to me. We can see where it leads you. Then publish???" :) I have yet to do it but am strongly considering the possibility. :)

With life resuming normalcy, I am so thankful to have back those first early moments of morning to sit alone with the Lord studying, praying, seeking, listening. 

Just to be with Him...

At His feet... 

Being fed & taught...

It's in these moments that I grow, gain understanding & am changed from the inside out. 

Moments that are more precious to me than any other. 

Moments that I wouldn't trade for anything else.

This morning as I emerged from bed & stepped into the shower, the reality of truth made it's way into my mind. I sought the Lord & asked what I was to see or understand & bit-by-bit He began forming & building on this word that could signify & mean so many things. He brought to my remembrance instances & situations & as my mind began to race, He said, "Be still." 

He quieted my spirit...

He stilled my mind...

He opened my heart.

I am a debater at heart & I have often thought that if I had pursued a career, I would have either chosen the path of journalism or law. For something I am passionate about, I can argue a case until I am out of breath or void of thought...literally, yet God showed me something very profound this morning.

There is never a reason or a point to defend truth.

Hmmm... Interesting. As I proceeded on with my shower, I continued to think over & ponder this revelation.

There is never a reason or a point to defend truth.

Ever.

Truth speaks for itself...
Truth is unchangeable...
Just because people don't believe, doesn't negate truth for what it is...
Truth.

Refraining from children's church/segregated Sunday school...

Holiday traditions or lack thereof...

Choosing to guard my heart & still my voice...

Like everyone else on this earth, there have been so many times in life where my thoughts, my aspirations, my convictions, my passions, my choices, my decisions, my understandings, my discernment, and on and on, have been questioned. And to be honest, I could count on one hand how many times those questionings were simply left as questionings without me feeling the need to defend or the compelling desire to convince. My perception of this vastly changed as of this morning & I'm not exactly sure why I haven't learned this lesson sooner other than either I wasn't ready for it or I was too stubborn. It could be one or the other...or a bit of both.

Homeschooling...

Details of a wedding...

Declining an extended opportunity...

Or it could be that I am simply so worn out & weary that I'm at the point of not caring...

But whatever the reason, God clearly showed me this morning that defending the truth is pointless. Don't get me wrong, if someone comes to me, or to you, desiring a better understanding or genuinely desiring to hear your heart, allow the Holy Spirit to direct your words in order to convey the sentiments therein. Yet when someone is disagreeable or headstrong on how they feel or what they see & there is no sincere longing to have a better "knowing", why contend? I've been around this block so many times in my years of living & I humbly admit that 99.9% of the time I feel the need to defend what I think, how I feel or what I believe.

Sometimes it's in regard to the events of a life situation... 

Sometimes it's in regard to how God has directed me... 

Regardless of what it entails, I should walk in peace, confidence, courage & boldness with truth at the helm.
And just because I can't convince someone of something, doesn't make it untruth...
Just because someone doesn't see things the way I do, doesn't make it invalid...
Just because someone makes me feel like I am wrong in how I discern or what I have chosen or how I have decided, doesn't deem it unworthy...

Natural healing vs. medicinal healing...

Walking away from complacency...

Home church...

Unless according to God's Word, it is.

To be honest, I am weary of being questioned yet I take my share of the blame for I am the one who allows it. Why in the world do I allow others to diminish, minimize & generate insecurity within me? Why do I allow the disapproval of others to shrink me back into a shell where I second-guess? Why do I allow others to intimidate me & cause me to feel like how I am feeling or what I am seeing or the decisions I am making are wrong?

Stay-at-home wife/mom...

Relocating home-wise/church-wise...

The intimacy in how our family functions...

It's suffocating.

I've faced this innumerable times & although I maybe thought I was facing it & dealing with it, I wasn't. I was suppressing. Muddling. Coping. Silencing. Surviving. Until the "event" passed & the pain diminished. Until another instance surfaced.

Stepping away from a relationship that requires more than I can give...

Ridicules more than it empowers...

Defeats more than it encourages...

Hurts more than it heals...

Refuses to respect...

The reality of it is...
God sees...
God understands...
God knows.

And to be perfectly honest, we owe no one an explanation but Him.

As I pondered this I was reminded of how Jesus responded when He was questioned in regard to what He spoke, how He lived, decisions He made, who He was. He didn't retaliate. He didn't elaborate. He didn't defend or convince or plead His case. He knew the Truth & He didn't apologize for it. He walked in it. Isn't that what he desires me to do as well? If He is my foundation & I am to model my life after Him, isn't that who He longs for me to be, too? Instead, I allow people to trump His authoritative position in my life...until now.

Moral boundaries...

Courtship vs. dating...

Following the Holy Spirit rather than the direction of man...

And to answer those questions that arrive me at the destination of suffocation...
Like many other people in this world, I long for approval & affirmation. I desire for people to like me, love me & support me where I'm at. I hunger for people I cherish to walk alongside of me even when they don't understand. Simply, I just want to be understood...even if you don't agree. Even if you don't agree, just try to understand & respect. Sadly a high percentage of the time when someone doesn't agree or understand, they pull away, refuse to respect, cease to respond, raise a cold shoulder, turn a deaf ear & their love, unfortunately, becomes conditional...simply because someone didn't do what they thought should have been done even when it really has nothing to do with them. Instead of others allowing us to own what is ours, they feel the entitlement to an explanation & we feel the pressure to give one. And the cycle begins again...until now.

When we do something out of a sense of duty, it is easy to explain the reasons for our actions to others. 

But when we do something out of obedience to the Lord, there can be no other explanation-just obedience. 

That is why a saint can be so easily ridiculed and misunderstood.

~Oswald Chambers

So in the current life situations I find myself looking square in the eyes at, I'm choosing peace to reign over my heart/mind/soul in what I know, with the assurance that God sees & knows even better than I.

He is my defender...
My strong tower...
My judge.

We make a mistake in trying always to clear ourselves. We should be wiser to go straight on, humbly doing the next thing, and leaving God to vindicate us. "He shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noon day." There may come hours when we shall be misunderstood, slandered, falsely accused. At such times it is very difficult not to act on the policy of the men around us in the world. They at once appeal to law and force and public opinion. But the believer takes his case into a higher court and lays it before his God. 

~F.B. Meyer

From A Self-Sufficient Valley Into A Desolate Desert...

Happy October! :)
Long time no-write...
Long time no-share...
Long time no-time...

Life has been busy, crazy, full & dry...

To be honest, life has been tough.
No marriage trouble.
No rebellious daughters.
No major catastrophes.

Simply a parched season of drought...

A season of wonderings...
Questions...
And a degree of confusion.

Thoughts, convictions, perceptions that I've always seen as truth & deemed as "gospel" yet gradually came to question & evaluation. Or at least I finally acknowledged them for what they were... And although some may see this as a weakness of faith or a buckling of foundation, God has taught me so much through this season of searching & seeking. He's realigned so many things within me in order to more adequately align me with Him. In attitude. In spirit. I think for so long the ridicule & condemnation & criticism drove me to a mode of survival. To suppress feeling as a means of numbing the pain. Something so necessary in order to keep pressing forward. To keep living the Christ-life because, after-all, that is what was right & noble & integral. Because although others may see it & label it as legalistic, they expected nothing less.

The past year has brought many transitions for our family as it was a year ago September that we stepped away from a church, a "body", a ministry that we had given ourselves to & invested ourselves in for several years. It was a death... Literally. I'm not sure I have grieved more at any other time in my life than when we knew God was instructing us to step back, step down & step away...and we did.

"When one year came of not seeing you every Sunday, it made me sad.

But God is in control & my desire is for us to be where He wants us."

(From a precious kindred spirit...)

And after a month plus a few, we started visiting churches in order to find a new "home". Tough. Awkward. Difficult. Draining. To be honest, after such a quest, I'm not even sure what "church" is supposed to look like & at one point MaKayla & Mal finally said, "Do we have to try any more 'new' churches?". A hard reality for someone who has been a Christ-follower, church-attender, ministry-server for nearly 25 years. Someone who thought they knew what the essence of "church" was... Or at least the "idea" of it.

There's a big difference between an idea & a reality...

But what about doctrines?
Every church has a specific "set".

Or worship style?
Contemporary?
Traditional?
Or a service for each?
Every congregation is different.

How about preaching/teaching method?
Hell, fire & brimstone?
Verse by verse?
Topical?
They all vary.

What does the "congregation" 'look like'?
College age?
Young families?
Older?
One very rarely finds a place where there's a good mix of all.

And ministries?
Dress codes?
Outreaches?
Standards?

Some churches take communion every week...
Some once a month...
Some once a quarter...
Others not at all.

Or version of the Bible used/taught from?
King James only...
NIV...
ESV...
Too many to list the options.

And as a Christ-follower for years, I think to myself, "If all of this is a bit "muddy" to me, how does a non-believer or someone from the outside looking in decipher it all?" I can see why people are turned off & repulsed, left with a nasty taste of wanting nothing to do with any of it, yet for years I have pushed forward...

Until now.

Before you get the idea that I've washed my hands of it all & am advocating the building of one's own kingdom, please don't make that assumption or final determination.

I get it.
I know there is no perfect church.
I'm not in search for one.

I've had that "card" thrown my way more times than I can count...
And it wearied me.

Until now.

As well as the "warning" to not forsake the assembling together as some are in the manner of...
With a twist of condemnation to increase the pressure.
A twist that spread the frosting a little thicker & sickened my gut.

Until now.

And a reminder that we are an example.
To render that we are falling short...
A rendering that fostered & brewed guilt.

Until now.

Simply put, I am in search...
Of a church were God is the complete & absolute focus.
Not the worship (for all-too-often it is emotionally based).
Of a church where the Word is declared with authority & conviction & instruction.
Rather than historical facts, user-friendly "feel goods" or legalistic doctrines.
Of a church where the roots of wisdom run deep.
Instead of chasing after that which draws & attracts & entertains.
(God is sufficient & His Word should be enough to move us.)
Of a church where the fellowship is secondary to intimately meeting with God.
In place of the sanctuary being a weekly social function.
Of a church where intentional prayer & intercession is executed.
Where communion is a priority.
And when one enters they recognize the presence of the Holy Spirit...
And when they leave, they are certain that they have met with, been instructed of & dwelt with God.

Some would say this is implicating the perfect church & maybe so, yet each aspect is biblical in truth & in nature. Some would say it doesn't exist & maybe not, but it should.

Confusing...
Concerning...
Saddening...

About six weeks ago the Lord took my hand & led me from a self-sufficient valley into a desolate desert. It wasn't an instant arrival, yet so very gradual. So gradual to the point that I didn't even realize that my destination was changing until I was already there.

Dry...
Dusty...
Draining.

And before I knew it, I was mentally, spiritually, emotionally & physically dehydrated.
To the point of desperation.

Had God left me?
No way.

Was the Holy Spirit absent?
He was closer than ever.

Did Jesus desert me?
Absolutely not.

Never once did I feel abandoned...
Rather, I felt weak...
Needy...
Broken...
Thirsty...
Desperate.

I knew that I knew that I knew that God had me in this place of destitution for a deliberate reason & purpose & that He was right there with me. I wasn't looking to & fro in an attempt to find the quickest road out or the soonest flight of departure as I was resolved in the deepest part of my soul & spirit that in order to be rehydrated, I needed to linger, wait & listen. I didn't have my eyes open for a chicken exit & I wasn't begging God to get me out of this place.

On the contrary, my family was concerned...
MaKayla asked, "Are you depressed?"
Nope.

Kyle petitioned, "Are you oppressed?"
Don't think so.

I knew that where I found myself, was God ordained.

The hours turned to days...
The days turned to weeks...

Finally, Kyle knew through the words I spoke, the countenance of my spirit & the demeanor of my being how fragile of a state I was in & took a few days off of work to be near...
To support...
To encourage...
To pray...

For four days we went nowhere & did nothing.

We sipped coffee...
Went for walks...
Read the Word.

We shared our hearts...
Expressed our feelings...
And listened.

To each other.
And to God.

One day I simply pulled the curtains as far back as they could go, sat in our old brown rocker, wrapped myself in the quilt MaKayla stitched for Kyle, closed my eyes, soaked up the warmth of the sunshine & rested in God's faithfulness even in the midst of destitution.

That was the beginning.

As I sought & searched & studied...
And prayed & listened & processed...
God said to me, "First things first, Mendi. You've been so self-sufficient in surviving that you've lost sight of intimately acknowledging Me. You rush ahead to do the right thing & speak the proper words & make the integral choices but you've lost sight of Me... The things you are doing & the words you are speaking & the choices you are making are great, fine & good & all things I ask of you, yet you've lost sight of the Reason. I've brought you to this place in order to renew you. To remind you of Who I am & what I desire of you & for you. I've led you to this dry & dusty place as a way to rekindle a romance we once shared. To stir the knowing that I Am. I see your heart. I see your longings. I see your questions & your confusion. I am aware of your wonderings. Rest. Let loose of the quest to survive. Rest. Cease to do for vain persuasions. Rest. I Am & I Am all that matters. Release the rope of convincing those you feel you must prove & do & speak & make, simply for Me & for Me alone. Though the whole world watches, the only audience that matters is Me & if you are serving Me, even though they may condemn, My approval is all you should be striving for. Rest."

And I did...
And I have...
And I am.

How long will the drought linger?

Long time no blog. So long that I've nearly forgotten how to "operate" the site. :) Yet as I arrive at the "posting page", it all returns & feels comfortingly familiar. ♥

The break was nice...the whole four months of it but I greatly missed it as well. I knew the Lord was asking me to lay it aside for a time...
To make Him my focus.
To ponder what He was showing me.
And to apply it directly to my heart rather than to "pen" it on a page.
A fruitful sabbatical.

Much has happened/changed in my life & in our family since the last post I shared.
Exciting events...
Difficult events...
But all good.
For even when we can't see it at the moment, God promises that He will work ALL for our good & His glory when we love Him. And to be honest, in certain situations & circumstances, that hope & that promise is all we have to cling to.

Sickness...
Contending physician visits...
Straining finances...
Exhausting work demands...
Stressed relationships...
Accumulating medical expenses...
Depletion in every area of life...
Mentally...
Physically...
Emotionally...
Spiritually...

And one wonders...

"How long with the drought linger?"

And God asks...

"Will you trust me in the midst of no rain?"

"Will you stay the course?"

I was blessed to share a morning of coffee & convo with one of my closest, dearest, sister-friends the other day & I posed this to her, "Life seems heavy for everyone... Big... Complex... A strain. Especially Christians. Striving to always do the right thing... Sometimes I get tired of trying & I wonder what it would be like to live the 'carefree' life... Doing what I want... When I want... How I want... Going to church if I feel like it & staying home if I don't. Serving God if it's convenient & doing the 'independent' route if it's not. Living footloose & fancy free, dismissing all conviction. I wonder what that life would be like..." We had a good, long discussion about it & then she said, "What's your alternative?"

Living the Christian life in & of itself is hard...
But it shouldn't be.

And then when you figure in the "additive" stresses of life...
That work to compromise every area & relationship of one's being...
The complexity seems nearly more than a brain can wrap-around.

And one wonders...

"How long with the drought linger?"

And God asks...

"Will you trust me in the midst of no rain?"

"Will you stay the course?"

As I continued to ponder our discussion after this one so dear to my heart departed our home, the Lord clearly showed me that my shallow mentality mirrored that of a part-time parent or an independent spouse. On again, off again. There when they want to be and not when they don't. Acting merely on convenience-basis. You do your thing, I'll do mine. You go your way, I'll go my way.

He showed me that I've never been that kind of a wife to Kyle...
And I've never been that kind of a parent to MaKayla & Mal...
Why would I want to be that kind of a child to Him?

He allowed me to envision what that would look like...
And sound like...

An independent spirit feeds a rebellious life.

Defiant.
Insubordinate.
Wayward.

Whether as a spouse...
A parent...
Or a child of the Most High God...

And it always, without a doubt, ends in destruction.

It was a process that I needed to work through & one, like all others, that God's grace was more than sufficient to guard & protect. He understands that at times we need to process such thoughts & ask such questions in order for us to see & to know & to be taught & to be reassured. He knows how finite our thinking is & that our thoughts are vain yet as we keep our eyes on Him, continually seek His face & constantly listen to His voice, He will administer truth to a searching heart.

In God's perfect timing the drought will end...
The rain will fall...
And the fruit of the vine that has "seemingly" been dormant will appear.

It's a beautiful summer morning in the country & I give the Almighty One praise for the faithfulness, goodness & love that He lavishes on me.

The Final Square...

It's been a heavy week here in our home...
Not bad...
Just heavy.

Lots on our hearts...
Much on our minds...
A continual cycle of prayer & intercession.

By Wednesday the weightiness was closing in on Mal.
Sickness...
Surgeries...
Terminal diagnoses...

Multiple situations...

People we love...
Hurting...
Struggling...
Searching for a way to deal with the trying events of life.

Hard for an adult...
Difficult for a child/adolescent.

I saw it happening...
Withdrawn...
Quiet...
In another world.

She was processing...

Just not in a productive/fruitful way.

I'm not the kind of parent who just lets things be. I want to know... Both of our girls are very well aware that if I sense a struggle within either of them, we need to talk. Sure, I give them a bit of time to work through things on their own with God's help but if I don't see things begin to turn around, we need to have a heart-to-heart. ♥

This was one area of mine & Kyle's marriage that took years to resolve. He's more of a stuffer. I am most definitely a communicator. Growing up, he learned the denial method of coping...just don't openly talk about things & eventually they will go away or resolve themselves. I was the type of kid who needed comfort, assurance & nearness when things in life were hard to understand or seemed out of control. Thus the reason I slept with my mom until I was sixteen years old... Don't judge. :) (Dad worked nights so his half of the bed was empty...)

As a little girl when life was unsettling I can remember trying to quietly creep my way into Dad & Mom's bed only for Dad to ship me back to my own abode. And then when I was a bit older a drunk driver crossed the center line & struck the car my aunt was riding in... That accident left her in the hospital for many weeks & I recall after visiting her in the ICU, going home with that image ingrained in my mind... I would lay at the end of Dad & Mom's bed & shake... Anxiety. It was something that I used to battle in big ways...

For many years...

And then God delivered me...
He showed me the "how" of dealing.

As we sat around the supper table Wednesday evening, the "safe place" that it is, I began feeling Mal out.

"Are you okay?"
"How are you feeling?"
"What is circulating in the grey matter of your mind?"

And then the table was full...

Of thoughts...
Of tears...
Of concerns...

Things continued to spill...

Of worries...
Of fears...
Of, "What ifs..."

Ignoring things of such never magically make them go away...

She & I have had similar conversations before...

But sometimes we need reminded.

Life is hard.
Sickness is rampant.
Disease seems to permeate.

Cancer is at every turn...
Death is no respecter of persons.

And as we hear it...
And process it...
And internalize it...

Satan begins the game of deception...
"What if..."

Before we even realize it, we jump into the game he has dared us to play...
And the more we participate...
The more we are consumed.

With despair...
And fear...
And worry.

We lose sight of the final square on the board...

We begin to entertain those thoughts & emotions...
And then he tries to solidify them in our hearts as truth...
And if our hearts aren't guarded...
We believe him.

I've been there...
Have you?

As we sat around our well-worn, years-old, brown, wooden table...
Nicks from cutting noodles...
And pie crusts...
And veggies for soups & salads...

Burn marks from candles-too-hot...
And warped center seams...
And legs that wobble...

Coffee sipped...
Tears fallen...
The Word read...

We talked...
As a family.

We shared the specifics of the weights that seem so heavy on our shoulders.

The precious people...
The hard situations...
The circumstances that go beyond our understanding.

It's life...

Period.

Not just Mal...
But each of us...
All four of these hearts.

And as we talked about the "what ifs"...
We concluded with a truth that I learned years back in a study I did...

What if...
Then God.

Life is life & from the second Adam & Eve "chose" in the Garden of Eden...
Their disobedience...
Their sin...
Their choice to do contrary to what God instructed...

Life has been hard.

In a split second...
In one choosing...
In a single decision to believe the enemy...

Perfect life as God designed it...
Ceased to exist.

Yet God remained.

He still does.

Sometimes we need reminded.

That even when day-to-day living seems bigger than we can handle...
And situations are more than we can understand...
And it feels like the trials & difficulties of life are closing in...

God remains.
Period.

But all-too-often we jump into that "dare game"...
And all focus is lost.

Our attention goes from God...
To desperation...
And fear...
And worry...
And hopelessness...

We start entertaining the "what ifs"...
And simply stop there.

We stop there & entertain every worst-case scenario imaginable.

And then the cancer eats at us in the spiritual, mental & emotional realm.

Our faith is diminished...
Our outlook is grim...
Our fear grows.

Hope is a distant reality...
Worry is our friend...
And the walls grow closer & closer & closer...

Suffocation of the worst kind.

And then someone comes along & says...
"Are you okay?"
"How are you feeling?"
"What is circulating in the grey matter of your mind?"

"Let me help you... 

Let me point you to the One who can breathe the breath of life back into you..."

The Restorer of hope.
The Renewer of peace.
The Rebuilder of faith.
The Reviver of strength.

Sometimes we just need reminded.

And should those "what ifs" become a reality at some point in life...
Then God.

As I shared with Mal around that worn table Wednesday evening...

The one that meals have been eaten at...
School has been completed...
Intense discussions talked through.

Crafts completed...
Prayers prayed...
Journal entries finished...

When that "what if game" begins to take place in our minds, we either need to leave the board shut from the on-set OR we need to play it on out to the finish...
Because in the end...
Satan will NEVER win.

He always wants us to cower under when the game gets intense...
He convinces us to quit when we can't see past the despair...
He tempts us to sell short of the victory that Jesus has already guaranteed.

His goal is to encapsulate us in those suffocating spaces on the board labeled...
FEAR
WORRY
HOPELESS

But you know what, if we choose to leave the board closed from the first invitation...
The temptation to fall prey is non-existent.

Yet if we find we are in the midst of the contest before we even realize it, play it out until the end...
For in the end...
God is always, always, always there.

What if cancer...then God.
What if death...then God.
What if trial...then God.
What if pain...then God.

He is that "YOU WON" on the final square.

Sometimes we simply need reminded.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

~Psalm 139:7-10

Be strong and courageous.

Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,

for the LORD your God goes with you;

He will never leave you nor forsake you.

~Deuteronomy 31:6

And no, our girls don't sleep with us...
But if we had a California King, they just might. :)
(At least on nights that sleep didn't come easy...)

He Will Deliver You...

We are well into yet another week & each morning as the alarm on Kyle's phone rings out, telling us it's time to rise & shine, I thank God for a new day & all that He has in store. :) I can honestly say that although I am not always overly fond of the abrupting blast at 5 am, I do always look forward to spending time with Kyle before he heads out to work & I am eager to enjoy the day ahead with our girls. ♥

Even though life with girls is most always a joy & typically unpredictable (one never knows what might set someone "off" or make someone incandescently happy...yes, we make working on reigning in our emotions a continual reality...), as I walked through the living room Sunday afternoon I overheard Kyle mutter, "I hate hormones..." (Yes, with that much emotion...) I simply had to chuckle... :) For those of you out there solely raising girls, lacking any additional maleness to the equation, I pray God's grace is abundantly sufficient over your home and your husband. :) All joking aside, life with girls is wonderful. ♥

MaKayla has been busily working on a custom quilt that has proven to be a such an amazing learning opportunity for her. Fun yet challenging.

And Mal keeps occupied with school, school, school. Last week we received a Rainbow box (Rainbow deliveries are always exciting...) with a new science module since she is nearing the end of her current one. We chose to do Botany this time of year since hopefully the weather will at some point warm up & give us optimum opportunity to get the most out of the curriculum.

We've been keeping life at a low-key pace as Kyle continues to work six-day work weeks & with the exception of church on Sundays, a blank calendar is a wonderful thing.

Yesterday morning I spent a great amount of time journalling where God has had us & what I've reaped & harvested from this most painful yet most liberating chapter in our lives. Word after word, page after page, I found myself so regretful for allowing my vision to be blurred for so long yet so thankful for the grace that has carried, covered & protected not only myself, but our entire family through the "wandering". As the ink of pen saturated into the fiber of paper, God in His sovereignty brought back to remembrance...

"Do not get confused & caught up in the distraction of finding the "where", 

seek God."

&

"Last night on my knees I couldn't get past that God has something else for you guys.

I will continue to pray for Kyle & pray for peace for you & to give you direction."

Words of exhortation from a priceless, precious friend who cared more about our hearts than their personal emotions/feelings.
Words that were so timely & profound...
Words that I have clung tightly to...
Words that have carried me...
Words that have realigned my focus...
Time after time after time...

#1419 ~ confirming words from priceless friends

So many times the temptation was relentless to sell short & default to settling...
But then I remembered...

"Do not get confused & caught up in the distraction of finding the "where", 

seek God."

&

"Last night on my knees I couldn't get past that God has something else for you guys.

I will continue to pray for Kyle & pray for peace for you & to give you direction."

#1692 ~ Just You, God...

And as I flip through the ink-filled, tear-stained, black-lined journal pages documenting the heart-wrenching pain, struggle & anguish present in the preceding chapter of life, I am beyond grateful that the gate of that pasture is closed & the reality of a fresh, lush, fragrant, nourishing meadow beckons us. A meadow that speaks peace & rest & healing & simplicity & feeding of the organic kind. Void of additives & bondage & vanity & superficiality. Void of man's expectations yet abundant with the purity of God's. I truly have never experienced the manifestation of freedom on my life like I do now for as long as I can remember.

Singing 'He Arose' & 'The Old Rugged Cross Made the Difference' & 'Something Beautiful' & 'All Hail King Jesus' reminded me from whence I came...
And to Where, Whom I am returning.

#1693 ~ the reality of deliverance & freedom...

It reminded me once again, that simply put, this life isn't it.
God wants all of me...
Here...
Now...
In unfeigned form.

If you're in a place of "wandering" right now, unable to see the way ahead, hold fast to hope & do not be dismayed. Even in the struggle, the heartache & the pain, God has a purpose in your current suffering & as you keep your eyes fixed on Him, He will deliver you into the "better" He has prepared.

Thank you for taking this journey with me... ♥

Many blessings & lots of love to you this day... ♥

Only One...

As I sit in the lingering darkness of a day preparing to break, my heart is prayerful...

Grief...

The reality of grief rests there on the pliable places of my heart.

Not for myself specifically...
Yet I have known it.

But for those whose grief is fresh...
And for those who are remembering...

They say that time heals, and it does, but the depth of pain lingers...
The depth of loss...
The depth of emptiness...

Loss hurts.

And no matter what one does & no matter how much one prepares...
The sting of death rivets us to the core.
And changes our lives for the remainder of our time here on earth.

Yet I always remind myself that in the reality of death...
There is hope in Life.

In the reality of loss...
There is hope in gaining something new.

In the reality of brokenness...
There is hope in the Healer.

In the reality of heartache...
There is hope in taking the hand of another hurting heart...
And saying, "Can I walk with you?"

I've heard a precious niece of mine say, "I hate when people slather you with hugs and thoughts and prayers and flowers and visits and... Those same people that are there in the height of the pain and grief... They forget... They move on... They fail to remember..."

And she's right.

Thankfully, there's One who doesn't.

As I walked around the perimeter of mine & Kyle's bed this morning...
Tightening the sheets...
Arranging the pillows...
Straightening the quilt..
Folding the blanket that rests at the foot...

Praying for ones whose pain is inexplicably deep...
And others who are remembering tragic events of years past...
I interceded.

In my finite mind...
In my human understanding...
In my being one person...

I can't relate to where they are...
Or what they are thinking...
Or how they are feeling...
Or the avenues they are looking to for healing...
No one can.

But One.

Only One knows the specifics...
The specific event...
The specific situation...
The specific hurt...
The specific pain...

Only One.

And for that, I am thankful.

I can't heal their wounds.
I can't remove the grief.
I can't fix what is broken.
I have no magic words.

But God in His sovereignty sees it all...

Every.

Last.

Detail.

And I am thankful.

I can walk beside them.
I can make mental notes to remember.
I can hold them when they seek my embrace.

Yet, only One is the Mender of the broken.

♥So as I think back to a best friend who stood at the bedside of her mom...watching...waiting...
♥And a sister & niece who counted the breaths of a father-in-law/grandpa & watched them diminish...
♥And that same family hold a mom/grandma as she departed this life...
♥And a couple we love more than life deliver a lifeless, breathless, perfect infant into this world...
♥And a wife whisper last words into the ear of her soul-mate...

In physical form, we were there...
But our understanding pales in the face of their pain.
A pain that still lingers within the depths of their being.

And as I think of ones trying to find footing in what seems like sinking sand...
Their situation unique to all others...

And as my mind rests on a family remembering the events of this day some years ago...
Recalling events second-by-second...minute-by-minute...hour-by-hour...

And as I consider a son preparing...for the "letting go"...
Knowing it's time, yet not ready for "good-bye"...

God reminds me that only He...

Only He, in His sovereignty, can see their hearts...
Feel their grief...
Understand their gut-wrenching pangs...

Only He knows the reality of their loss...

He's the only One who was there prior to...
In the midst of...
For the remainder...

And I pray...

God is our refuge and strength,

A very present help in trouble.

~Psalm 46:1~

More Than Anything Else...

Another weekend behind us...
A new week is on the horizon...

The past few days have been so refreshing for our family.
Evening meals with those who love & sharpen...
Sweet fellowship...
Seeking Truth...
Digging into The Word...

Remembering lives well lived...
Hearing the Word of God spoken in the simplest yet most refreshing of ways...
Reconnecting with ones who have repeatedly enriched our lives...

Unexpected visits from the one who birthed me into this world... ♥
Catching up...
Exhortation that produces resolve...

Family days...
Brisk walks...
Breakfast around the kitchen table...
Devouring God's Word...
Gathering around a well worn hymn book...
Preparations for winter...
Pumpkin seeds...
Tear producing laughter...
First fall pumpkin pie...

Being family...
Knowing God...
Joy returning...

By the end of last week, I was done in.
Facebook deactivated.
Cell phone off.
E-mail at a minimal.

I received correspondence on Friday asking if we had taken a leave of absence from facebook... :) Pretty much. Sometimes you just need a respite. A time away, void of distractions where God is your one & only focus. That's where I was.

So many things bide for our time, keeping us from true intimacy with God.
He wanted my mind still.
My heart fixed.
My spirit intent.
On Him.

Books were closed.
Worship music was silenced.
Communication with the world ceased.

#1538 - strong hands that signify so many things...♥

I'm a people person. I always have been. Because of that makeup that God designed me with, I take great stock in the words, opinions & thoughts of others. I listen intently & take to heart what is being spoken. I'm not one to listen & dismiss. I listen & receive. Sadly, many times, I put more value on man's word rather God's Word. And as I entered into the final leg of last week, God reminded me ever so clearly that His voice was the voice He wanted me to hear...listen to...receive... He wanted me to dismiss all others & simply yet deliberately hear Him.

You know, for the majority of my life if I had the grace, affirmation & value of others, I found myself fulfilled, encouraged & purposeful. And for the most part, I've had no problems discovering the reality of those things through the resource of man/woman/child (flesh). That was/has been my sustenance. Ironically, God has allowed me to arrive at a place where, in the human sense, grace is lacking, affirmation is conditional, value is wavering. Step-by-every-little-step, it's been an ongoing journey and although it is a painful destination full of refining opportunities that I could easily see as a "dead end", God has so much purpose in this landing spot. I've looked for avenues of escape in any possible direction...this person, that person; this place, that place; this thing, that thing; this way, that way; but to no avail, every door that I try to muster open, remains closed...locked...secured...

The only way to know the true depth of God's grace...

Is to lose the grace of all others...

And sometimes He brings us to a locked-in place...
Where it's just us & Him.

Much like where Jesus found Himself before His crucifixion...

Those closest to Him came up empty...

One betrayed.

Others slept.

Just Jesus & His Father...

A Father & His Son...

That's where He wants us...

Us & Him.

Him & us.

Kyle & I sat for a great length of time this weekend pondering & seeking what God desires for our lives as individuals & for our lives as a family. Bottom line, what God wants is for us to want Him.

God wants us to want Him...

More than anything else, God wants us to want Him more than we want anyone or anything.

My plea has been, "God, do what you must in order for me to see You clearly..."
In the realest of senses, He has.

Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness;

and all these things shall be added unto you.

Matthew 6:33