Regardless...I Will Trust Him.

Life has a way of taking its toll & I would be the first to admit that I'm in what seems to be a lengthy toll-taking season of life. I'm not depressed but honestly, I'm not in a healthy state of mentality either. Kyle held me close this morning prior to his departure for work, prayed over me & assured me of his love & support...

It was what I needed. ♥

We talked when he arrived at his dwelling for the day before he entered that enormous, blue, metal building with a giant red 'K' on it...

"I don't know what has happened to me..."
"Life. Life & stress."
"Yeah...I know..."
"I know meds won't fix anything but maybe you need to get an appointment. Maybe something else is going on..."

Simple tasks that I've forgotten how to do...
Past moments that I can't recollect...
Thoughts that I can't pull together no matter how hard I try.

Inability to engage...
Responsibilities left undone...
Apathetic to the deepest part of my core.

We chatted for a few minutes.
I cried.
He assured my heart. ♥

I confided that I am somewhere, I'm just not sure where. I've arrived here, and I'm not sure how. I just know that where I'm at is unsettling to my spirit. I'm someplace between exhausted & apathetic. Lifeless. And I care, but at the same time, I don't. It's not even that I don't like how I feel, I'm just aware enough to know that I'm going through the motions of daily life all-the-while missing the essence & richness that are mine to be had. These days, weeks, months & years are precious...never to be had again & I'm in some cloudy fog aimlessly wandering around. As I told Kyle, I see why people minimize themselves to a four-walled room & hide away. I understand how they inch their way to such small, confined spaces. Isolation of the safest kind.

Quietness.
Comfort
Security.

I get it. I understand.

I've said for several weeks now, since the Home-going of Grandma, that disappearing looks appealing. Not in a self-harm sort of way but in the way of removing myself from the components that weather a heart & whittle the spirit away.

Stress.
Strife.
Dismissal of the most isolated kind.

And if I'm hiding internally, why not literally hide?

I'm pretty sure I've arrived here by constantly considering...
Considering elements.
Considering others.
Considering everything that surrounds me.

And in the end, I have no idea who I even am. Oh, I do in the spiritual sense... I know I am God's child & if He were all I had to consider, it might be easier. Sitting in my rocker this morning, I reflected on the life of Jesus...He lived to do the will of His Father & He didn't deviate from that will for He knew the will of His Father would be to the benefit of all mankind. Even if what God asked Him to do inflicted pain or sadness or sorrow or correction, He followed through knowing that fruit would emerge & God would get the harvest. The glory. Jesus was God in the flesh. He was incapable of making mistakes... Mishearing... Misunderstanding... He could be nothing short of perfection. I am man. Flesh. The Spirit lives within me yet I am capable & quite efficient of mistake-making... Mishearing... Misunderstanding. Sometimes it is a choice of the carnal will yet most often, those realities are a result of ignorance or uncertainty. Wanting to do the right thing but not 100% certain of what that is based on who it involves. His Word tells me I am to consider others better than myself & I am to take into account the thoughts, feelings & implications of those around me in the midst of making decisions, responding to life & living these days I have been given. I am a considerer to the nth degree.

To the point of not really knowing who I am...

As Kyle & I talked last night & again this morning, I've done this life this way for so long that I have no concept of making independent decisions with the exception of...
*I want short nails with no polish
*I want my hair as natural as possible
*I want clothing simple, comfy & functional
*I want to shop at Hy-Vee rather than Wal-Mart under any & all circumstances

Where we eat...I don't care.
What we do...I have no opinion.
Where we go...I'm along for the ride.
Just tell me what to do & I will comply.

Make it easy for me.

Please, just make it easy for me.

Since I became a parent nearly 24 years ago, this has been my state & candidly, with the exception of a handful of times, I've been perfectly perfect with it. It's who I became & who I am. But for one reason or another, the past two & a half months have altered me beyond what I ever would have imagined. The contents of the most recent 5, 961, 600 moments of my life have been laden with trial & emptiness & heartache & sadness & bitter gall. Loss of the most intense degree. Anguish of the most excruciating form. And I humbly admit, it's taking its toll on me. I don't deny that I'm not handling life well. At all. The Bible says that the heart is the wellspring of life...guard it. The King James Version puts it this way...

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. 

~Proverbs 4:23

The condition of our heart determines how we process the issues of life... My heart condition is of a broken & weak state therefore my processing of life's issues seems paralyzed. Literally. Even the smallest of things have the potential to send me to a quick death on a slippery mudslide plummet. Yesterday it was the lack of cohesion on repopulating our chicken colony... The day before it was lunch options, hair cut decisions, grocery selections...sewing grass seed on Grandma's final earthly dwelling & adorning her "place" with flowers that she just might see as beautiful. Just make a decision for me. I am incapable. Hold me close & dry my tears. I am empty. Understand where I'm at even though you can't & you don't. I am in a current place of destitution. Above all, please refrain from telling me I'm wrong for feeling the way I do or that I need mental/medical attention. I'm aware of my state. And I am also confident in the Counselor above all counselors... The Physician above all physicians... He knows where I'm at & step-by-step He promises to light my path & guide my way. I know this is just a season & seasons don't last forever...thankfully. ♥

In the rawest of forms, this season has simply surfaced the person Mendi is... And for some, that's a hard, chilling reality to look in the face & accept. People who deeply love me & genuinely admire this aspect of me...until it becomes the near death of me...literally. It's who I've been for 24 years, it's just that the past two-plus months have altered my ability to function & have magnified the already lack of independent reasoning within me as well as the abundance of consideration for others.

Can lack be magnified?

And what happens when abundance is administered the same?

Overtly, I have lived a life of awareness... Noticing other people's needs, wants & desires. And making it my purpose, aim & goal to see that those needs, wants & desires are met to the best of my capable ability... Regardless of what it costs me. In turn, I rarely have an opinion & most often, I don't care as long as those around me are nurtured. Nothing blesses my heart & fills me with joy more than the evidence of other's fulfillment. Sadly, meeting the needs, wants & desires of some these past days, weeks & months have conflicted with the wants, desires & expectations of others leaving the scales inexplicably out-of-balance. Fulfillment on one side... Dismissal on the other. The reality of it all is anguishing to my entire being but as I have said for quite some time, even before the onslaught of Grandma's earthly departure, 'It is what it is...and God is in the it'. True statement through & through which reassures my heart yet leaves a big portion of me sorrowful & empty. I guess that's a vast & wide difference between Jesus & me... His blessing, glory & joy came at the knowing that He had done exactly what God had instructed Him regardless of the response & attitude of who it affected. The fleshly return of His obedience. His focus was submitting to the Father rather than appeasing man. His aim & goal was to live in perfect harmony with the Spirit. His purpose was to fulfill the promise of Grace. Too often I am distracted by the awareness of man while for Jesus, man was secondary to God yet God's primary purpose is that His will be accomplished in all creation.

It is what it is...and God is in the it.

Although I've been this way for decades, I'm pretty sure my concept of all of this was ramped up to heightened levels at almost this exact time three years ago. Courtship... Engagement... Wedding. The impossible aspiration of fostering peace while keeping everyone happy. Yeah... I killed myself trying & in the end, came up empty anyway. But hey, I tried...right? That counts for something doesn't it? It's who I am & God knows that for He crafted my heart to beat to such a rhythm yet as of late, He's trying to refine in me how to be okay when things are far from okay... How to walk in peace when the battle still wages on & no white flags have been waved... How to function at full-capacity when everything that is within me is equivalent to nothingness... How to dwell in joy when my heart is broken & worn... How to rest when there's work that seems to need done... How to exhibit patience when my spirit & my flesh want to forge ahead... How to trust Him in the broken...regardless of how long it may remain in such a state.

Even as vulnerable as it makes me, I am thankful for who He created me to be & the heart He placed within this temple in which He dwells. I may presently be lacking, empty & non-functioning but I know He is walking with me & regardless of how long this season may last or the condition of life when I emerge, I will trust Him. He is God & He is good.

A Whisper...

It's a Wednesday. My Tuesday was gross. To the extreme.

Grateful for grace...

By the afternoon hours I found myself incredibly humbled & thankful for the gift & promise of grace. Grace that covers hurt & frustrations... Mistakes & unbridled passions. Grace that steps in & reminds this heart of mine Whose I am & who I am to be. Especially in the midst of smoldering embers that have become engulfed...

The past several days I have awakened sluggish & unable to mentally move. Not like in a depressed, despondent kind of way (I very well know what that feels like) but in a way where cylinders weren't firing & every thought was foggy. I tend to forget, due to a hysterectomy, that I have hormones which cycle ever so often & those unrecognized hormones coupled with exhaustion are a dangerous concoction. Yesterday I awoke lethargic just like I did Sunday & Monday but as the morning progressed, situations beyond my control sprinkled gas on some embers that had been smoldering since late last week (or for the past forty years of my life). Embers that I knew were present yet embers that were under control (or so I thought)... Until fuel kissed them. One instance after another in a short amount of time found those embers fully engulfed & before I knew it, what was once controlled, quickly grew out-of-control.

Trivial junk...all of it. But when suppressed smoldering embers are kissed with fuel, it's never a good situation. 

The passions within my heart were already warmed & Satan knew exactly what buttons to push in order for those passions to go from warm to hot. And push my buttons, he did. Instance by instance I knew what was happening & did my best to keep things in check but it comes to a point where reasoning somewhere slips away... I was on the cliff of demise & found myself peeking over...placing my toes on the edge...considering the "what ifs" of jumping... I toyed but I didn't. At one point I was dangling one foot & then the Holy Spirit pricked my heart... I knew He was issuing a warning. That Still Small Voice... Not a scream yet a whisper. I listened.

Grace.

As the day continued to unfold, God kept reiterating, "It's none of your business. Mendi, it's none of your business. It concerns you not yet you are making it your concern. Let it go & let me be God. Disconnect yet don't become bitter. Separate yourself yet love. Temper yet remain soft."

How does one do that anyway?

Disconnecting without becoming bitter?

Separating while still exhibiting love?

Tempering while preserving a soft & moldable heart?

Grace.

And a will that surrenders itself to God's.

Laying down vengeance...

Turning over control...

Forfeiting entitlement.

As day gave way to evening, I found myself so ever thankful for grace. Thankful that the day I had just lived, would soon be over & that a fresh measure of mercy & compassion would meet me anew at the start of this Wednesday. Thankful that a whisper kept me from doing something that could have been unredeemable. Thankful that God is ever before me & beside me. Behind me & around me. Guiding. Leading. Encouraging. Counseling. Showing me the better way.

I woke this morning, thankful. And as I logged into fb, I saw a sweet sisterfriend's post that resonated within mine & I was reminded, "Mendi, some things are simply none of your business."

And then I received a text, "I feel really moody right now... I'm just impatient. Annoyed. With everyone and everything..."

How often is this me? A perpetual state of indifference.

Both the post & the text really made me do some self-evaluating... Made me stop & think... Compelled me to ask myself the question, "Would I recognize a perfect day if I was given one?" Or would I take on baggage that isn't mine & concern myself with business that had nothing to do with me? Would my marred nature find something to feast on & spoil the plenty?

Was yesterday intended to be one of those 'should have been' perfect days?

Could it have been?

Had I let it?

And purposed it?

There will always be coals in the deepest recesses of the heart yet God desires that those coals be kept cool & free from ignition. Tempered. Moderated. Kept under the protection of humility & discretion. Coals are reminders of how careful I must be & how dependent I must remain on Christ. They remind me that focus needs to ever be upon Him & the temptation of allowing the eyes of my heart to wander, must be continually realigned & redirected. They remind me that although I may have found healing & redemption in areas, the fiery darts of the enemy can come from seemingly nowhere in an attempt to pierce vital organs & if my spiritual armor isn't drawn & ready, I am vulnerable to injury.

Yesterday may have been a gross day for me yet it was a refining day. A day filled with moments that remind me that, although the passions within me may be intense, the power of Christ is greater even still. And that power, if I heed to it & surrender my heart to it, will rescue me from the highest cliff & the deepest cavern.

A whisper.

Grace.

And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, 

and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you;

That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without,

and that ye may have lack of nothing.

~1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart,

be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

~Psalm 19:14

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thus saith the LORD of hosts;

Consider your ways.

~Haggai 1:7

Not Just Tangible Things...But Intangible Alike.

It's a cloudy kind of morning here but beautiful just the same. After so many consecutive days of gloom & rain, yesterday was filled with sunshine &warmth...just the boost I needed. The past few/several weeks have been rough... Kyle has been working much overtime... Busyness galore... Illness... School to do... Yard to mow... Here... There... This... That... I posted on Facebook sometime ago the quip of:

Mental sticky note to self...

Don't be grumpy just because you can be.

It conveyed my mood to a T... Grumpy. Touchy. Irritable. Grouchy. Easily annoyed. And I didn't attempt to hide it from anyone... When I am in such dispositions, I give fair warning. "I'm not grumpy with you...I'm just out-of-sorts. Don't take it personally." I couldn't snap out of it & I wasn't sure why. I knew God was working something out in me but I didn't know what. I was certain He was teaching me lessons, I just wasn't sure when this particular "class" would be over. Although everyone who had to spend time with me was understanding & patient, kind & encouraging (bless their precious souls), I wanted to pass that subject & move on to something else. It wasn't even that I didn't have self-control or temperance, I just couldn't get a handle on the "being easily annoyed" or "instant irritability" no matter what I did. I told Kyle that I wanted to slip away to a quiet cabin or remote cave & hide away, as to study for the final exam..as to not inflict germs on everyone around me, until I was "cleared"... Until graduation day arrived... I wanted quarantined. Not because I didn't want to be around people, but because my countenance, temperament & demeanor were toxic.

~April 10...2 Samuel 19-21
I do recognize heart-conditions that need deliberate care, work & attention & I wonder if God has allowed me to be in the mental state I am in, to show me... To help me see clearly... To bring me down to where I need to be in order to humble & rebuild me.
A tearing down as a means to restore.
-negativity
-pride
-mental busyness
-lack of intention
  
*A spiritual virus. And like other virus', one of this sort requires consideration & proper treatment...isolation & rest. A sabbatical/break from normal routine. 

~April 11...2 Samuel 22-24
I awoke this morning refreshed, renewed & regenerated. It's as if a switch flipped in my being overnight & the heaviness I have been bearing has been lifted & lightened. It makes me question if I am mental or if the Lord has graciously delivered me from such a despairing pit & debilitating virus that has been invading every facet of me. God, I give you praise & ask that You continue to restore me to full measure. As I read of David this morning...You are my lamp & you lighten my darkness. You are my Rock & my Fortress & my Deliverer. You are my Shield & my Salvation... My High Tower & Refuge & Saviour. In my distress I called upon You & my cry entered your ears. You are my Strength & my Power & You make my way perfect.
~2 Samuel 22
I still feel myself unsure & uncertain regarding my temperament these past few weeks yet You impress upon me, Humility. Humility fosters quietness & quietness fosters humility. A heart of humility is a heart of gentleness & understanding. A heart void of self & mindful of others. A heart of humility is the pedigree of heart You desire me to possess & nurture. A heart with you as God & me as one who needs & submits to Your voice.

~April 12...1 Kings 1-2
*Hosea 10:12,13
*Every action is a seed sown. -Matthew Henry

~April 15...1 Kings 8-9
Lord, You are vividly speaking to my heart about my attitude...my grumbling...my lack of gratitude & thankfulness. Focusing more on my "losses" than my "gains"... This degree of attitude accomplishes nothing more than destruction--for myself & for others & most especially it negates my reflection of You. -- These days of repetitive motion bind my heart up... The going... The noise... The lack of aloneness...quietness...and time in the Word leave me "mindless", intolerant & irritable & it impacts all those around me. Lord, You are correcting/chastising me for allowing the outer elements to morph the inner...

There it was...
The medication that cleared up my virus...
Gave me a clean bill of health...
The sickness was gone.

The cure was in the illness...

I could strip the gown, pull the IV line & break out of quarantine.

...my attitude...
...my grumbling...
...my lack of gratitude & thankfulness.

Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer.

1 Corinthians 10:10

There I had it...
The answer that passed the test...
Gave me a passing grade...
The class was completed.

The answer was in the equation...

I could turn my tassel, toss my hat & exit the gymnasium.

Focusing more on my "losses" than my "gains"...

In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

The revelation that my spiritual virus was a result of grumbling...lack of gratitude & thankfulness. The reason I couldn't seem to pass the subject I was studying so hard to finish is because I was focusing more on my losses than my gains...

~May 3...1 Chronicles 7-8
#2098 ♥walking with a rested body, a quiet mind & a heart filled with joy & thanksgiving

And as I entered into the bathroom this morning preparing myself for the day, I glanced over the east yard & my eyes caught sight of the innumerable dandelion pods... A sea of them... White... Plush... Wispy... Not just one...but hundreds. Truly, it was breathtaking. And then I was reminded of of the multiple blessings in my life... People... Opportunities... Simple pleasures... Health... Sight... Mobility... The ability to hear sounds. The knowing of peace & hope & joy... The reality of being loved. ♥ Not just tangible things....but intangible alike. Knowings because of experience. 

Knowings because of God.

~April 13...

A heart of thankfulness can transform an attitude/mood of despondency.

I'm still mesmerized by the uncountable dandelions that litter our yard & as I glance out over the green grass & see the sprinkling of white, I am reminded to count my blessings & to have an attitude of thanks & praise for the tangible & intangible alike. ♥

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings-name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly, 

And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;

Count your many blessings; money cannot buy

Your reward in Heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

~Johnson Oatman, Jr.

In The Shifting Of Control...I Decided To Take The Lead.

Yesterday.
Another one of those days.

It didn't start out as such but then a spontaneous outing that I hadn't adequately sought or allowed God to prepare my heart for quickly derailed me & tossed me completely off the track. It wasn't progressive, it was instant.

Immediate tension.
Split-second agitation.
Consuming irritation.

And my default...
Disconnect.
Control.
Transparent frustration.

I removed myself from the situation momentarily but instead of taking that opportunity to regroup, refocus & recollect, I allowed the core of the matter to fester & brew. Unwisely, I failed to turn my focus from the circumstance & redirect it toward God. My blood-pressure soared. My heart rate elevated. My peace drained...out of my feet. I was a hot mess. Truly. Just ask Mal.

Note to self: When default tendencies begin to show potential of becoming reality, take a deep breath, inwardly cry out to God, allow Him to put things in perspective according to His Word. Who I know He wants me to be. How I know He wants me to respond. His character being lived out & worked out in me.

Why do I allow the flesh to outrun the Spirit?
Why do I permit emotions to overtake moderation?
Why do I enable self to trump Truth?

Because I heed the natural & silence the Divine.

The afternoon continued & my attitude, nor my temperament improved. At all. Displeasure was evident & obvious. I voiced & vented. Plead my cause. Confirmed my point. Fine. Dandy. Understood. Yet my heart was still wrong. And I knew it.

I came home, shared with Kyle & contemplated. He worked on winterizing the pool while I continued to consider the yearnings & ponderings of my heart. I shared with him various things that were meandering through mind & lessons I was taking away from the situation at hand. Lessons dealing with my contribution to the circumstance as well as contributions of others. I told him that I was going to find a place in the sunshine & sit. I retrieved my Bible & my journal, found a chair on the west side of the house in the direct shining of the sun & began to put thoughts to paper in order to help me sort out & work out how God was speaking to me.

Control.

Plain and simple.

Control.

Control... A stronghold in my spirit that has the potential to encapsulate & permeate me like not much else. Why? I don't like to be defied. I can do what's comfortable. A feeding of pride due to accomplishment. My esteem of self is too great. Fear. The more I study & the more I grow in the Lord, the more I recognize when my heart begins to beat in the, 'I'm out of control & I'm on a quest to regain it,' rhythm. I'm beginning to better discern the Holy Spirit's voice of, "You're entering into unauthorized  territory & you need to guard your heart. For your sake - falling into sin/heeding temptation. For the sake of the other person - potential to inflict/hurt." Lord, I know this is an area of my heart that desperately needs reshaping, transforming & softening. Will you help me? Help me to know when to persist & when to let it go. When something's worth fighting for & when it's prudent to surrender.

Kyle & I discussed it more throughout the evening as I continued to work the entirety of the afternoon out in my heart. I sat & typed up a Facebook post that collected my thoughts...

Two coinciding thoughts conclude my afternoon...
1.) If you're not going to enforce the rule/boundary/standard, don't put it into place.
2.)  I never want to arrive at the place where my heart becomes so stubborn/prideful that I am unteachable or so hardened/obstinate that I am beyond correction.
*Taxing days are wearing yet I am reminded to 'Count it all joy'... And that the taxation is worth it when you can walk away with a deeper understanding & a fresh measure of wisdom for days/times ahead. Prudence. :) Every situation in life is an opportunity for Christ to enlighten us to something we need to see/learn if our hearts are willing to perceive & pliable to be molded. Happy Friday Eve! :)

I questioned the posting of it for well over an hour... I tossed it around. Thought it through. Considered it intently. Yes. No. I think it's fine. Probably shouldn't. Yeah, maybe someone else can relate. I don't think it's conducive to what God would desire.

Control was shifting...
I had possession...
And then I gave it to God.
Back to me.
Then Him.
Me.
Him.

I knew at the core of my being that my heart wasn't "all" right in it. Yes, I had been reminded of profound lessons I wanted to etch in my heart & implement in the coming days/weeks/months/years yet what I was highlighting was someone else's weaknesses & falterings...not my own. But I reasoned that no one else knew those facts but me. I reasoned it out & then briefly, ever-so-briefly, a truth that a sister-in-Christ shared yesterday morning on Facebook that had impacted me greatly wafted through my spirit...

I thought on it for a moment & then began to reason again...

Note to self: Never reason with God. He is ALWAYS right.

And when one reasons long enough, they convince themselves (through the enemy's influence) that they are right & the harm they once considered, is invalid.

Post.

There...
It was done.
Posted.
Me.

I went to bed unsettled about my choice but decided to give it until morning & if I still wasn't sure, I would delete the thoughts that I felt so compelled to share.

Long night.
A long night of wrestling...
With God.

Delete.

There...
It was done.
Gone.
Him.

I threw my flannels on, put my contacts in, brushed my teeth. Clicked on the lamp, stumbled through the living room, found my way to the kitchen. Another light accessed, coffee poured, CD player turned on. Journal located, Bible retrieved, a place at the table found. Reading glasses on, pen in hand, sentiments of the heart transferred to paper. My every morning... But this one was different. I knew I had wrestled with God throughout the hours of the night & I knew why...

In the shifting of control, due to pride, I decided to take the lead.

Wrestling with God resulting in a genuine desire for all manner of pride & control to be removed from my life/heart/mind. In the wrestling I was reminded of my sister's post yesterday...

When I question the "rightness" in some decision or choice, it's probably wrong. And even if it's 99% right & 1% almost right, it's still wrong. If it's not 100% right in God's eyes, I should submit, fear, revere & obey.

And as I shared with MaKayla through text this morning, "Even if what I said was 100% truth, the motive was wrong & prideful. A way to inconspicuously vent. No one would have known it but me... And God... I wrestled with Him over it all night. Right yet wrong. Directed towards a situation & a people. I deleted it early this morning & then I read Proverbs 4... Confirmation. I don't want to be a 'point prover'. The Lord was telling me, "No," but I chose my will instead of His. A profound lesson of faith & obedience for me."

Enter not into the path of the wicked, and go not in the way of evil men. 

Avoid it, pass not by it, turn from it, and pass away. 

For they sleep not, except they have done mischief;

and their sleep is taken away, unless they cause some to fall. 

~Proverbs 4:14-16

My heart was perceptive to what I was to be gleaning (my two Facebook post points) but instead of gleaning with a heart saturated with humility, I was gleaning through a heart laced with pride. It reminded me of the account of the slothful man's vineyard field in Proverbs...

I went by the field of the slothful, and by the vineyard of the man void of understanding;

And, lo, it was all grown over with thorns, and nettles had covered the face thereof, 

and the stone wall thereof was broken down.

Then I saw, and considered it well: I looked upon it, and received instruction.

Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep:

So shall they poverty come as one that travelleth; and thy want as an armed man.

~Proverbs 24:30-34

God wants us to learn from observation & consideration (from our own lives & from the lives of others) yet He wants us to learn with a spirit void of condemnation, pride & control. A spirit steeped in lowliness & humility. Learning from what we see & experience without bitterness, resentment or haughtiness.

Last night I distinctly knew what God was directing me to do yet like the stubborn, prideful, hardened & obstinate heart that I was so troubled by previously in my day...that heart became mine...toward God. Instead of being teachable & open to correction, I was bent on my own will. I coveted control.

A diseased portion of my heart that has been in such a state for as long as I can remember has received Divine treatment... And although I lost some sleep in the hours of the night, what I gained will change me for the remainder of my life.

May I daily be reminded...

Trust In The Affliction & Praise In The Pleasantry...

November 1st.

Time doesn't speed up.
Time doesn't slow down.
Time is time.

60 seconds in every minute.
60 minutes in every hour.
24 hours in every day.
Seven days in every week.

Time.
Time. Is. Time.

Yet when I visit the blog, I realize that May was my last post. And I wonder, how did that happen? How did I allow that to happen?

Time.

Time with people.
Time with the Lord.
Time doing what He has instructed me to do.

Time loving.
Time investing.
Time contemplating.

Time healing.
Time learning.
Time considering.

Time searching.
Time seeking.
Time listening.

In order to understand.

Although time has passed, the time in between has been fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.
Truly.

Not without pain, difficulty & testing yet all-the-same, fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.

Isn't that God?

Helping Grandma move & settle.
Storing summer's bounty for winter's provision.
Walking with those I love through one of life's hardest trials.

And this morning as I contrast & compare, I wonder how one day life can be pleasant & peace-filled, while the next is laden with struggle, frustration & at a loss as to how I should process the events therein. Am I bi-polar? Am I fickle? Do I lack stability? Laughable but true.

Satan would like to convince me of such...

Yet as I seek the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminds me that days are diverse. He reminds me that the diversity of days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...to Him.

I had about two weeks straight where life was absolutely restful, contented & filled with pleasantries, and then BAM, I had a day that, from start-to-finish, was outlined, shaded & filled in with irritations, frustrations & testings. Externally, I did my best to conceal the grossness of my heart but internally, both God & I (Mal, Kyle & one other individual) knew the poison that permeated.

The poison that permeated my thoughts, feelings & emotions.

Since that day a week ago today it's been a day-to-day reality. Pleasant. Not-so-pleasant. Positive. Negative. Empowered. Defeated. Restful. Tormenting.

And my heart has wondered why...

Why on again, off again?
Is it me?
Is it a wavering of faith?
Is it selfishness?
Is it weakness?

One day I concluded it was hormones...
Another day, it was due to how I awoke...
And yet another dependent upon what I ate.

All valid options.

When the alarm alerted me yesterday morning signalling a new day, a new week, reminding me of what lie ahead for my Monday, my heart stirred & wrestled. I knew the day was steeped with the potential for struggle, strain & difficulty however the type that I had envisioned wasn't the pedigree that resulted. An intermittent convo with Mal & then a quick chat with Kyle, followed by a brief visit with MaKayla left my heart assured of prayer yet still unresolved. In the midst, Marci dropped me a quick, unexpected phone call & her pleasant voice, brightened my countenance. We didn't talk about specifics of the situation I was dealing with but our momentary exchange of life happenings, helped me move forward in my day. Without her even knowing. ♥

The events of my day changed & took on a different shape & form, leaving me in a position of completely trusting God. Uncertainty loomed. Apprehension lingered. The steeped potential for struggle, strain & difficulty remained. Yet I purposed to proceed in full-on trust that the One who knew what lie ahead would go before me & prepare the way. He would provide grace for the circumstances. He would protect the sensitivity of the situation. He would shelter the hearts involved.

And He did.

Struggle? Yes.
Strain? Yes.
Difficulty? Yes.

Yet in the midst He was faithful.

This morning as I continued to pray over yesterday's situation & anticipated a quiet, contented Tuesday at home with Mal, my heart went back to the question of "why"?

Why on again, off again? 

Is it me? 

Is it a wavering of faith? 

Is it selfishness? 

Is it weakness?

Yet as I sought the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminded me that days are diverse. He reminded me that the diversity of days intensifies my dependence upon Him & keeps me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

On those days where the potential for difficulty is there...
And the brimming reality of struggle is possible...
And the steeped likelihood for strain is at a high percentage...
TRUST.

I knew yesterday was a day drenched with vulnerability on my part & my only option was to pray, depend & trust. That's it. Nothing within me could fix, change or prepare... Everything was out of my control. Beyond my dominion. Far surpassing my determining. I was bare-faced & vulnerable & believe it or not, as crazy as it may sound, there was a deep-seated comfort in my uncertain spirit. A reassurance of assurance. A reminder of faithfulness. A guarantee of Presence.

You don't have this...

But I do.

I Am.

A day saturated with trust.

Today...a contented day. A quiet day. A spiritually restful day. A day where God says,
"Praise. Just embrace & praise. Give thanks. Simply embrace & give thanks."

What He is showing me is that time is time...always the same. The same minutes. The same hours. They hold the same expanse with each that comes & goes, yet those minutes & hours turn into days. And those days are diverse. One day filled to capacity with pleasantries... Days that change us. The next overflowing with immeasurable affliction. Days that transform us. And instead of analyzing the why (yeah, that's my default...I'm always on a quest to understand), trust in the affliction & praise in the pleasantry. Time never changes yet we change through time. We change over time.

Days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

As Mal & I drove to fill the truck up with gasoline this morning, I found myself acknowledging how deeply grateful I am that, because of Jesus, regardless of the day & what it holds, I can trust and I can praise. And that as seconds turn to minutes & minutes turn to hours & hours turn to days, God is drawing me closer to Him through each & every situation He orchestrates.

Let go of the 'why' & simply rest in His presence. Rest in the trusting. Rejoice in the praising.

But I trusted in thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my God.

My times are in thy hand...

~Psalm 31:14-15

Does The Latter Diminish The Former...

It's a Thursday...
Another day where the weather can't seem to make up it's mind what it wants to do.
Cloudy one minute...
A peek of the sun the next.
It's NOT raining...so I will take the cloudy, warm, small-peeks-of-the-sun-kind-of-day. :)

Life continues to tick on here in our corner of the country, and I'm learning that every day has something new to offer. Every day contains something that God wants me to learn. :) I love, love, love to learn & to grow & to be stretched but sometimes I wonder if I will ever just have one day that I get it right... That I don't feel/see the need to change... Or a day that I feel I attained that which Christ has asked of me... I wonder.

As I have thought & pondered a vast array of things the past several days, it amazes me how new seasons of life inhibit conception of "new life" from a spiritual/emotional sense. Yes, new seasons breed change, adjustment & transition of the physical sense yet can one make those physical changes without spiritual, mental, & emotional change at the helm? I wonder if some people can & some people can't... I wonder.

I'm an analyzer at heart... I think & I think deep. Therefore, when seasons in my life change, my heart, mind, soul, being, must stretch, grow, adjust & transition as well. And due to how I am wired, that stretching, growing, adjusting & transitioning kicks my analytical mind into overdrive... I need to process & resolve. I desire to grasp & to receive. I hunger for knowing & understanding. I want those changes & transitions to be fruitful & life-giving... Not just for me, but for those that are walking that road with me.

And because of that...I am constantly considering...

Their thoughts...

Their feelings...

Their struggles...

Their victories...

Their well-being...

I want them to thrive.

MaKayla has now been in a courtship with Dillon for three-plus months. I can't even begin to articulate what a beautiful example, straight from God's hand, this reality of provision has been. I fail to be able to put into words what a blessing the process & the progression of their relationship has afforded. Richness. Yet amidst the beauty & the blessing their have been struggles & pain... Effort & difficulty.

Does the latter diminish the former?
Absolutely not.

It's a changing of gears & my gears are currently g-r-i-n-d-i-n-g...

What I can say is that it has generated a deep & wide expanse of refining & purifying for me. A straining of the soul, per se. I feel like my heart & my mind & my soul are being ran through a sieve every.single.day. A skimming of the dross. And what does refining & purifying & straining & sieving & skimming have in common?

What are their purpose? 

They remove the filth & the pollution...
They detect the sediment & the rottenness...
They reveal stench & contamination...

And I can honestly say that the process is inexplicably uncomfortable.

Not because I don't want the grossness gone, but because I don't just want those things instantly removed, I want to learn & grow & change in the process so that I step away unblemished in those areas that were once corrupt. I want to glean so that I can replant those organic seeds that I harvest in the heart of another "field". If I am simply instantly changed, what do I take away that can be reinvested in the seeking life that is walking behind? If I emerge with a miracle, yes, I have a testimony, but do I have wisdom & understanding & encouragement to pass on to another soul that is searching?

I know most reading this aren't surprised by the struggle I find myself in, for the vast majority have been waiting for the fall & the fail... The awakening... The jolt to reality... The inoculation of "the real world"...

For the duration of our child-rearing years others have seen us a overtly protective & sheltering to the point of hindering. They've seen us as having full-control & neglecting the allowance of MaKayla & Mal to have a voice. They've been waiting for the day... The day that one of them would either rebel or take a step of independence... The day that our perfect little kingdom would crumble. 

Our kingdom isn't crumbling... 

It is growing & expanding & changing colors... 

It is being enlarged...

It is birthing new life...

And we are excited.

Yes, most parents/children experience these steps... Independence takes shape... Separation is a reality... Compromise is learned... Much sooner & earlier in life. But for us, this life that God has chosen for us & called us to walk, is diverse. Our continual togetherness... Our team of four... Our consistent schedule... Our default coping mechanisms... Our customary way of looking at things... Is transforming. And with that transformation comes a remolding & remaking... A stripping away of the old, familiar; a regrafting of the healthy & new & then the process of healing. A ridding of generational curses that, over the years, have become comfortable yet in this new season, are apparent need to go.

Isn't that the way it is in any transition in life?

And for me, it's not so much of the physical but of the mental/emotional... It's where my analytical, seeking, wondering, processing, searching soul kicks into overdrive. A desiring to know & understand... In regard to the here & now... And in regard to the days ahead. God has always encouraged me as a mom to see that MaKayla & Mal are ours to lead & guide & protect, until... They are ours to look out after until the day arrives that He provides a young man to take over that role... That role of priest & prophet & protector & provider... That role of making sure her needs are met... Needs of the physical kind yet most especially, needs of the mental, spiritual & emotional sort... And being willing to put her needs before his. One who will cradle her heart & embrace her body... One who will discern her best interest (even if she may not see it as such) & stay true to overseeing the manifestation of that. One who will wash her in the Word of God...daily. Praying with her... Challenging her... Encouraging her to grow in Him. One who will encourage & affirm yet hold her heart of flesh accountable at the same time. One who desires to see the genuineness of her soul & is always willing to make sacrifices accordingly. One who will love her gently & passionately & intimately...with full abandon. One who will see life through God's eyes & their eyes as a union rather than just through his eyes. One who will have fun with her & embark on spontaneous adventure...creating memories & deepening their love & enjoyment of one another. One in whom we are confident we can pass the baton on to & are certain he will take hold, grasp it tightly & will run a steady, committed race until the finish line. One who will carry on where we are leaving off & letting go of...

So much to consider when preparing to release your most valuable asset into the hands of another "investor". And although some would say we are once again being overprotective or unrealistic, God's Word says that we are not to throw our pearls before swine... MaKayla & Mal are pearls of great price. ♥

So much to consider...

Analytical + Transparent = Potential Disaster

And then keeping in check that it's not just about us anymore... There are others to consider.

Putting ourselves in their shoes...
Considering their wants/desires before our own...
Weighing their feelings on the scales...
Contemplating how our actions/decisions will affect theirs...
Realizing that they have a son that will soon be choosing a life of independence as well.

It's a continual process...
And it's hard.

I'm not borrowing trouble from tomorrow, I'm preparing...

And as I seek & search & wonder & analyze & process, I don't just work those exercises of the soul for my strengthening, but for the hearts of the other three that dwell here with me. It's my role as the nurturer & keeper & spirit-setter of our home to look out for those of whom God has entrusted into my care. 

I watch... 

I listen... 

I discern... 

I recognize... 

In order to know...

In order to encourage...

In order to nurture...

In order to understand.

I ask questions...

I dig-deep...

I search...

I seek...

I pray...

I listen...

In order to learn...

In order to gain wisdom...

In order to be enlightened...

In order to understand.

It's who I am.

And I see the fruitful benefit of being proactive rather than reactive... Recognizing the sprouting of a weed before it takes root... Discerning the onslaught of potential destruction prior to it's manifestation... Preparing a field for an abundant harvest rather than turning a blind eye or a deaf ear where thorns & thistles spring up & take over.

And in recognizing & discerning & preparing, I am enlightened to things of myself...

The filth & the pollution...

The sediment & the rottenness... 

The stench & contamination...

The weeds that have taken root...

The manifestation of destruction...

The field with thorns & thistles.

And I am humbled.

The prudent see danger and take refuge,

but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

~Proverbs 27:12

(Sometimes, just for once, I wish I could be "simple"...of mind...)

Reality is...it's not who I am...

It's amazing how much perception changes when one is looking at life through the eyes of their child, rather than through the eyes of their individual, selfish self...

And as I seek & search... 

As I dig-deep & pray... 

As I listen & learn... 

As I am enlightened & gain wisdom... 

I am thankful.

For those who are patient & compassionate...

For those who listen & quietly hear my heart...

Maybe saying something, maybe not.

For those who recognize my weaknesses...

Yet they don't just acknowledge & agree...

They exhort & encourage my wanting-to-know heart.

For those who rebuke...

And then follow that rebuke with positive affirmation.
Cheering me on...
Assuring me that, with God's help, I will get there & I will be victorious.

For those who understand (even though they don't fully understand this crazy heart of mine)...

And assure me that I will get through this...

Stronger...

Wiser...

More Christ-like.

For those "safe people"...

And for as few as they are, I'm thankful for them.

I don't want to just get through this, I want to mature in the process.

And I am thankful for Christ who is ever patient & loving...
Who intercedes on my behalf as I wrestle with the one, true, Sovereign God.

I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit who guides & counsels...
Who comforts & instructs me each & every step of the way.

I'm thankful for a heavenly Father who knows each & every crevice of my heart...
And will not change His mind or bow to my will for He knows what is best & right & perfect.

My girl is in love & it is an exhilarating sight for the entirety of my being to behold. ♥

And on the "other side" of the pain & discomfort of being washed in the Fuller's Soap, the dross & the sediment & the filth & the stench will be removed & I will be a more radiant, fragrant vessel for His use... Until a new season of life begins. ♥

But who can endure the day of His coming?

Who can stand when He appears?

For He will be like a Refiner's Fire or a Launderer's soap.

He will sit as a Refiner and Purifier of silver;

He will purify...

And refine them like gold & silver.

~Malachi 3:2-3