Mental sticky note to self...
Don't be grumpy just because you can be.
It conveyed my mood to a T... Grumpy. Touchy. Irritable. Grouchy. Easily annoyed. And I didn't attempt to hide it from anyone... When I am in such dispositions, I give fair warning. "I'm not grumpy with you...I'm just out-of-sorts. Don't take it personally." I couldn't snap out of it & I wasn't sure why. I knew God was working something out in me but I didn't know what. I was certain He was teaching me lessons, I just wasn't sure when this particular "class" would be over. Although everyone who had to spend time with me was understanding & patient, kind & encouraging (bless their precious souls), I wanted to pass that subject & move on to something else. It wasn't even that I didn't have self-control or temperance, I just couldn't get a handle on the "being easily annoyed" or "instant irritability" no matter what I did. I told Kyle that I wanted to slip away to a quiet cabin or remote cave & hide away, as to study for the final exam..as to not inflict germs on everyone around me, until I was "cleared"... Until graduation day arrived... I wanted quarantined. Not because I didn't want to be around people, but because my countenance, temperament & demeanor were toxic.
I do recognize heart-conditions that need deliberate care, work & attention & I wonder if God has allowed me to be in the mental state I am in, to show me... To help me see clearly... To bring me down to where I need to be in order to humble & rebuild me.
A tearing down as a means to restore.
-negativity
-pride
-mental busyness
-lack of intention
*A spiritual virus. And like other virus', one of this sort requires consideration & proper treatment...isolation & rest. A sabbatical/break from normal routine.
~April 11...2 Samuel 22-24
I awoke this morning refreshed, renewed & regenerated. It's as if a switch flipped in my being overnight & the heaviness I have been bearing has been lifted & lightened. It makes me question if I am mental or if the Lord has graciously delivered me from such a despairing pit & debilitating virus that has been invading every facet of me. God, I give you praise & ask that You continue to restore me to full measure. As I read of David this morning...You are my lamp & you lighten my darkness. You are my Rock & my Fortress & my Deliverer. You are my Shield & my Salvation... My High Tower & Refuge & Saviour. In my distress I called upon You & my cry entered your ears. You are my Strength & my Power & You make my way perfect.
~2 Samuel 22
I still feel myself unsure & uncertain regarding my temperament these past few weeks yet You impress upon me, Humility. Humility fosters quietness & quietness fosters humility. A heart of humility is a heart of gentleness & understanding. A heart void of self & mindful of others. A heart of humility is the pedigree of heart You desire me to possess & nurture. A heart with you as God & me as one who needs & submits to Your voice.
~April 12...1 Kings 1-2
*Hosea 10:12,13
*Every action is a seed sown. -Matthew Henry
~April 15...1 Kings 8-9
Lord, You are vividly speaking to my heart about my attitude...my grumbling...my lack of gratitude & thankfulness. Focusing more on my "losses" than my "gains"... This degree of attitude accomplishes nothing more than destruction--for myself & for others & most especially it negates my reflection of You. -- These days of repetitive motion bind my heart up... The going... The noise... The lack of aloneness...quietness...and time in the Word leave me "mindless", intolerant & irritable & it impacts all those around me. Lord, You are correcting/chastising me for allowing the outer elements to morph the inner...
There it was...
The medication that cleared up my virus...
Gave me a clean bill of health...
The sickness was gone.
The cure was in the illness...
I could strip the gown, pull the IV line & break out of quarantine.
...my attitude...
...my grumbling...
...my lack of gratitude & thankfulness.
Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer.
1 Corinthians 10:10
The answer that passed the test...
Gave me a passing grade...
The class was completed.
The answer was in the equation...
I could turn my tassel, toss my hat & exit the gymnasium.
Focusing more on my "losses" than my "gains"...
In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
The revelation that my spiritual virus was a result of grumbling...lack of gratitude & thankfulness. The reason I couldn't seem to pass the subject I was studying so hard to finish is because I was focusing more on my losses than my gains...
~May 3...1 Chronicles 7-8
#2098 ♥walking with a rested body, a quiet mind & a heart filled with joy & thanksgiving
And as I entered into the bathroom this morning preparing myself for the day, I glanced over the east yard & my eyes caught sight of the innumerable dandelion pods... A sea of them... White... Plush... Wispy... Not just one...but hundreds. Truly, it was breathtaking. And then I was reminded of of the multiple blessings in my life... People... Opportunities... Simple pleasures... Health... Sight... Mobility... The ability to hear sounds. The knowing of peace & hope & joy... The reality of being loved. ♥ Not just tangible things....but intangible alike. Knowings because of experience.
~April 13...
A heart of thankfulness can transform an attitude/mood of despondency.
When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings-name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.
When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in Heaven nor your home on high.
So amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.
Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
Count your blessings, name them one by one;
Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
~Johnson Oatman, Jr.
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