A Whisper...

It's a Wednesday. My Tuesday was gross. To the extreme.

Grateful for grace...

By the afternoon hours I found myself incredibly humbled & thankful for the gift & promise of grace. Grace that covers hurt & frustrations... Mistakes & unbridled passions. Grace that steps in & reminds this heart of mine Whose I am & who I am to be. Especially in the midst of smoldering embers that have become engulfed...

The past several days I have awakened sluggish & unable to mentally move. Not like in a depressed, despondent kind of way (I very well know what that feels like) but in a way where cylinders weren't firing & every thought was foggy. I tend to forget, due to a hysterectomy, that I have hormones which cycle ever so often & those unrecognized hormones coupled with exhaustion are a dangerous concoction. Yesterday I awoke lethargic just like I did Sunday & Monday but as the morning progressed, situations beyond my control sprinkled gas on some embers that had been smoldering since late last week (or for the past forty years of my life). Embers that I knew were present yet embers that were under control (or so I thought)... Until fuel kissed them. One instance after another in a short amount of time found those embers fully engulfed & before I knew it, what was once controlled, quickly grew out-of-control.

Trivial junk...all of it. But when suppressed smoldering embers are kissed with fuel, it's never a good situation. 

The passions within my heart were already warmed & Satan knew exactly what buttons to push in order for those passions to go from warm to hot. And push my buttons, he did. Instance by instance I knew what was happening & did my best to keep things in check but it comes to a point where reasoning somewhere slips away... I was on the cliff of demise & found myself peeking over...placing my toes on the edge...considering the "what ifs" of jumping... I toyed but I didn't. At one point I was dangling one foot & then the Holy Spirit pricked my heart... I knew He was issuing a warning. That Still Small Voice... Not a scream yet a whisper. I listened.

Grace.

As the day continued to unfold, God kept reiterating, "It's none of your business. Mendi, it's none of your business. It concerns you not yet you are making it your concern. Let it go & let me be God. Disconnect yet don't become bitter. Separate yourself yet love. Temper yet remain soft."

How does one do that anyway?

Disconnecting without becoming bitter?

Separating while still exhibiting love?

Tempering while preserving a soft & moldable heart?

Grace.

And a will that surrenders itself to God's.

Laying down vengeance...

Turning over control...

Forfeiting entitlement.

As day gave way to evening, I found myself so ever thankful for grace. Thankful that the day I had just lived, would soon be over & that a fresh measure of mercy & compassion would meet me anew at the start of this Wednesday. Thankful that a whisper kept me from doing something that could have been unredeemable. Thankful that God is ever before me & beside me. Behind me & around me. Guiding. Leading. Encouraging. Counseling. Showing me the better way.

I woke this morning, thankful. And as I logged into fb, I saw a sweet sisterfriend's post that resonated within mine & I was reminded, "Mendi, some things are simply none of your business."

And then I received a text, "I feel really moody right now... I'm just impatient. Annoyed. With everyone and everything..."

How often is this me? A perpetual state of indifference.

Both the post & the text really made me do some self-evaluating... Made me stop & think... Compelled me to ask myself the question, "Would I recognize a perfect day if I was given one?" Or would I take on baggage that isn't mine & concern myself with business that had nothing to do with me? Would my marred nature find something to feast on & spoil the plenty?

Was yesterday intended to be one of those 'should have been' perfect days?

Could it have been?

Had I let it?

And purposed it?

There will always be coals in the deepest recesses of the heart yet God desires that those coals be kept cool & free from ignition. Tempered. Moderated. Kept under the protection of humility & discretion. Coals are reminders of how careful I must be & how dependent I must remain on Christ. They remind me that focus needs to ever be upon Him & the temptation of allowing the eyes of my heart to wander, must be continually realigned & redirected. They remind me that although I may have found healing & redemption in areas, the fiery darts of the enemy can come from seemingly nowhere in an attempt to pierce vital organs & if my spiritual armor isn't drawn & ready, I am vulnerable to injury.

Yesterday may have been a gross day for me yet it was a refining day. A day filled with moments that remind me that, although the passions within me may be intense, the power of Christ is greater even still. And that power, if I heed to it & surrender my heart to it, will rescue me from the highest cliff & the deepest cavern.

A whisper.

Grace.

And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, 

and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you;

That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without,

and that ye may have lack of nothing.

~1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

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Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart,

be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

~Psalm 19:14

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Thus saith the LORD of hosts;

Consider your ways.

~Haggai 1:7

Not Just Tangible Things...But Intangible Alike.

It's a cloudy kind of morning here but beautiful just the same. After so many consecutive days of gloom & rain, yesterday was filled with sunshine &warmth...just the boost I needed. The past few/several weeks have been rough... Kyle has been working much overtime... Busyness galore... Illness... School to do... Yard to mow... Here... There... This... That... I posted on Facebook sometime ago the quip of:

Mental sticky note to self...

Don't be grumpy just because you can be.

It conveyed my mood to a T... Grumpy. Touchy. Irritable. Grouchy. Easily annoyed. And I didn't attempt to hide it from anyone... When I am in such dispositions, I give fair warning. "I'm not grumpy with you...I'm just out-of-sorts. Don't take it personally." I couldn't snap out of it & I wasn't sure why. I knew God was working something out in me but I didn't know what. I was certain He was teaching me lessons, I just wasn't sure when this particular "class" would be over. Although everyone who had to spend time with me was understanding & patient, kind & encouraging (bless their precious souls), I wanted to pass that subject & move on to something else. It wasn't even that I didn't have self-control or temperance, I just couldn't get a handle on the "being easily annoyed" or "instant irritability" no matter what I did. I told Kyle that I wanted to slip away to a quiet cabin or remote cave & hide away, as to study for the final exam..as to not inflict germs on everyone around me, until I was "cleared"... Until graduation day arrived... I wanted quarantined. Not because I didn't want to be around people, but because my countenance, temperament & demeanor were toxic.

~April 10...2 Samuel 19-21
I do recognize heart-conditions that need deliberate care, work & attention & I wonder if God has allowed me to be in the mental state I am in, to show me... To help me see clearly... To bring me down to where I need to be in order to humble & rebuild me.
A tearing down as a means to restore.
-negativity
-pride
-mental busyness
-lack of intention
  
*A spiritual virus. And like other virus', one of this sort requires consideration & proper treatment...isolation & rest. A sabbatical/break from normal routine. 

~April 11...2 Samuel 22-24
I awoke this morning refreshed, renewed & regenerated. It's as if a switch flipped in my being overnight & the heaviness I have been bearing has been lifted & lightened. It makes me question if I am mental or if the Lord has graciously delivered me from such a despairing pit & debilitating virus that has been invading every facet of me. God, I give you praise & ask that You continue to restore me to full measure. As I read of David this morning...You are my lamp & you lighten my darkness. You are my Rock & my Fortress & my Deliverer. You are my Shield & my Salvation... My High Tower & Refuge & Saviour. In my distress I called upon You & my cry entered your ears. You are my Strength & my Power & You make my way perfect.
~2 Samuel 22
I still feel myself unsure & uncertain regarding my temperament these past few weeks yet You impress upon me, Humility. Humility fosters quietness & quietness fosters humility. A heart of humility is a heart of gentleness & understanding. A heart void of self & mindful of others. A heart of humility is the pedigree of heart You desire me to possess & nurture. A heart with you as God & me as one who needs & submits to Your voice.

~April 12...1 Kings 1-2
*Hosea 10:12,13
*Every action is a seed sown. -Matthew Henry

~April 15...1 Kings 8-9
Lord, You are vividly speaking to my heart about my attitude...my grumbling...my lack of gratitude & thankfulness. Focusing more on my "losses" than my "gains"... This degree of attitude accomplishes nothing more than destruction--for myself & for others & most especially it negates my reflection of You. -- These days of repetitive motion bind my heart up... The going... The noise... The lack of aloneness...quietness...and time in the Word leave me "mindless", intolerant & irritable & it impacts all those around me. Lord, You are correcting/chastising me for allowing the outer elements to morph the inner...

There it was...
The medication that cleared up my virus...
Gave me a clean bill of health...
The sickness was gone.

The cure was in the illness...

I could strip the gown, pull the IV line & break out of quarantine.

...my attitude...
...my grumbling...
...my lack of gratitude & thankfulness.

Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer.

1 Corinthians 10:10

There I had it...
The answer that passed the test...
Gave me a passing grade...
The class was completed.

The answer was in the equation...

I could turn my tassel, toss my hat & exit the gymnasium.

Focusing more on my "losses" than my "gains"...

In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

The revelation that my spiritual virus was a result of grumbling...lack of gratitude & thankfulness. The reason I couldn't seem to pass the subject I was studying so hard to finish is because I was focusing more on my losses than my gains...

~May 3...1 Chronicles 7-8
#2098 ♥walking with a rested body, a quiet mind & a heart filled with joy & thanksgiving

And as I entered into the bathroom this morning preparing myself for the day, I glanced over the east yard & my eyes caught sight of the innumerable dandelion pods... A sea of them... White... Plush... Wispy... Not just one...but hundreds. Truly, it was breathtaking. And then I was reminded of of the multiple blessings in my life... People... Opportunities... Simple pleasures... Health... Sight... Mobility... The ability to hear sounds. The knowing of peace & hope & joy... The reality of being loved. ♥ Not just tangible things....but intangible alike. Knowings because of experience. 

Knowings because of God.

~April 13...

A heart of thankfulness can transform an attitude/mood of despondency.

I'm still mesmerized by the uncountable dandelions that litter our yard & as I glance out over the green grass & see the sprinkling of white, I am reminded to count my blessings & to have an attitude of thanks & praise for the tangible & intangible alike. ♥

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings-name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly, 

And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;

Count your many blessings; money cannot buy

Your reward in Heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

~Johnson Oatman, Jr.

In The Shifting Of Control...I Decided To Take The Lead.

Yesterday.
Another one of those days.

It didn't start out as such but then a spontaneous outing that I hadn't adequately sought or allowed God to prepare my heart for quickly derailed me & tossed me completely off the track. It wasn't progressive, it was instant.

Immediate tension.
Split-second agitation.
Consuming irritation.

And my default...
Disconnect.
Control.
Transparent frustration.

I removed myself from the situation momentarily but instead of taking that opportunity to regroup, refocus & recollect, I allowed the core of the matter to fester & brew. Unwisely, I failed to turn my focus from the circumstance & redirect it toward God. My blood-pressure soared. My heart rate elevated. My peace drained...out of my feet. I was a hot mess. Truly. Just ask Mal.

Note to self: When default tendencies begin to show potential of becoming reality, take a deep breath, inwardly cry out to God, allow Him to put things in perspective according to His Word. Who I know He wants me to be. How I know He wants me to respond. His character being lived out & worked out in me.

Why do I allow the flesh to outrun the Spirit?
Why do I permit emotions to overtake moderation?
Why do I enable self to trump Truth?

Because I heed the natural & silence the Divine.

The afternoon continued & my attitude, nor my temperament improved. At all. Displeasure was evident & obvious. I voiced & vented. Plead my cause. Confirmed my point. Fine. Dandy. Understood. Yet my heart was still wrong. And I knew it.

I came home, shared with Kyle & contemplated. He worked on winterizing the pool while I continued to consider the yearnings & ponderings of my heart. I shared with him various things that were meandering through mind & lessons I was taking away from the situation at hand. Lessons dealing with my contribution to the circumstance as well as contributions of others. I told him that I was going to find a place in the sunshine & sit. I retrieved my Bible & my journal, found a chair on the west side of the house in the direct shining of the sun & began to put thoughts to paper in order to help me sort out & work out how God was speaking to me.

Control.

Plain and simple.

Control.

Control... A stronghold in my spirit that has the potential to encapsulate & permeate me like not much else. Why? I don't like to be defied. I can do what's comfortable. A feeding of pride due to accomplishment. My esteem of self is too great. Fear. The more I study & the more I grow in the Lord, the more I recognize when my heart begins to beat in the, 'I'm out of control & I'm on a quest to regain it,' rhythm. I'm beginning to better discern the Holy Spirit's voice of, "You're entering into unauthorized  territory & you need to guard your heart. For your sake - falling into sin/heeding temptation. For the sake of the other person - potential to inflict/hurt." Lord, I know this is an area of my heart that desperately needs reshaping, transforming & softening. Will you help me? Help me to know when to persist & when to let it go. When something's worth fighting for & when it's prudent to surrender.

Kyle & I discussed it more throughout the evening as I continued to work the entirety of the afternoon out in my heart. I sat & typed up a Facebook post that collected my thoughts...

Two coinciding thoughts conclude my afternoon...
1.) If you're not going to enforce the rule/boundary/standard, don't put it into place.
2.)  I never want to arrive at the place where my heart becomes so stubborn/prideful that I am unteachable or so hardened/obstinate that I am beyond correction.
*Taxing days are wearing yet I am reminded to 'Count it all joy'... And that the taxation is worth it when you can walk away with a deeper understanding & a fresh measure of wisdom for days/times ahead. Prudence. :) Every situation in life is an opportunity for Christ to enlighten us to something we need to see/learn if our hearts are willing to perceive & pliable to be molded. Happy Friday Eve! :)

I questioned the posting of it for well over an hour... I tossed it around. Thought it through. Considered it intently. Yes. No. I think it's fine. Probably shouldn't. Yeah, maybe someone else can relate. I don't think it's conducive to what God would desire.

Control was shifting...
I had possession...
And then I gave it to God.
Back to me.
Then Him.
Me.
Him.

I knew at the core of my being that my heart wasn't "all" right in it. Yes, I had been reminded of profound lessons I wanted to etch in my heart & implement in the coming days/weeks/months/years yet what I was highlighting was someone else's weaknesses & falterings...not my own. But I reasoned that no one else knew those facts but me. I reasoned it out & then briefly, ever-so-briefly, a truth that a sister-in-Christ shared yesterday morning on Facebook that had impacted me greatly wafted through my spirit...

I thought on it for a moment & then began to reason again...

Note to self: Never reason with God. He is ALWAYS right.

And when one reasons long enough, they convince themselves (through the enemy's influence) that they are right & the harm they once considered, is invalid.

Post.

There...
It was done.
Posted.
Me.

I went to bed unsettled about my choice but decided to give it until morning & if I still wasn't sure, I would delete the thoughts that I felt so compelled to share.

Long night.
A long night of wrestling...
With God.

Delete.

There...
It was done.
Gone.
Him.

I threw my flannels on, put my contacts in, brushed my teeth. Clicked on the lamp, stumbled through the living room, found my way to the kitchen. Another light accessed, coffee poured, CD player turned on. Journal located, Bible retrieved, a place at the table found. Reading glasses on, pen in hand, sentiments of the heart transferred to paper. My every morning... But this one was different. I knew I had wrestled with God throughout the hours of the night & I knew why...

In the shifting of control, due to pride, I decided to take the lead.

Wrestling with God resulting in a genuine desire for all manner of pride & control to be removed from my life/heart/mind. In the wrestling I was reminded of my sister's post yesterday...

When I question the "rightness" in some decision or choice, it's probably wrong. And even if it's 99% right & 1% almost right, it's still wrong. If it's not 100% right in God's eyes, I should submit, fear, revere & obey.

And as I shared with MaKayla through text this morning, "Even if what I said was 100% truth, the motive was wrong & prideful. A way to inconspicuously vent. No one would have known it but me... And God... I wrestled with Him over it all night. Right yet wrong. Directed towards a situation & a people. I deleted it early this morning & then I read Proverbs 4... Confirmation. I don't want to be a 'point prover'. The Lord was telling me, "No," but I chose my will instead of His. A profound lesson of faith & obedience for me."

Enter not into the path of the wicked, and go not in the way of evil men. 

Avoid it, pass not by it, turn from it, and pass away. 

For they sleep not, except they have done mischief;

and their sleep is taken away, unless they cause some to fall. 

~Proverbs 4:14-16

My heart was perceptive to what I was to be gleaning (my two Facebook post points) but instead of gleaning with a heart saturated with humility, I was gleaning through a heart laced with pride. It reminded me of the account of the slothful man's vineyard field in Proverbs...

I went by the field of the slothful, and by the vineyard of the man void of understanding;

And, lo, it was all grown over with thorns, and nettles had covered the face thereof, 

and the stone wall thereof was broken down.

Then I saw, and considered it well: I looked upon it, and received instruction.

Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep:

So shall they poverty come as one that travelleth; and thy want as an armed man.

~Proverbs 24:30-34

God wants us to learn from observation & consideration (from our own lives & from the lives of others) yet He wants us to learn with a spirit void of condemnation, pride & control. A spirit steeped in lowliness & humility. Learning from what we see & experience without bitterness, resentment or haughtiness.

Last night I distinctly knew what God was directing me to do yet like the stubborn, prideful, hardened & obstinate heart that I was so troubled by previously in my day...that heart became mine...toward God. Instead of being teachable & open to correction, I was bent on my own will. I coveted control.

A diseased portion of my heart that has been in such a state for as long as I can remember has received Divine treatment... And although I lost some sleep in the hours of the night, what I gained will change me for the remainder of my life.

May I daily be reminded...

What Does Maturity Look Like... How Would Maturity Show Forth...

It's a gloomy, gray & rainy day here. The wind is swift yet the breeze is warm...at least for mid-November. The weather we have been experiencing for this time of year has been phenomenal. Other than a few frost-bitten nights, the days have been mildly wonderful. But since our home has been filled with snot & sneezing... Coughs & Kleenexes... We haven't been out much. First, Mal & then Kyle...causing him to miss a day of work. Sunday night I wanted to hog-tie & muzzle him. Snort, sniff. Toss, turn. Cough, moan. Up & down. Bathroom. Drink. Throat lozenge. Bathroom. Blowage of the nose. Coughage of the throat. Slurping of the water. Bathroom. Snort, sniff. Toss, turn. Cough, moan. Goodness... He & I had a pleasant conversation the next morning at the difference between women/moms with illness & men/fathers who are ailing. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing men but this is the real deal... Seriously. And the internet says there is proof that sickness with men is more intense than with women... Go figure. Maybe my patience should have waned longer... :) I put all things in perspective & remind the ailing often, "It could be the pukes..." They quickly relent their misery. :) In the midst of it all, life continues on. ♥

My lengthy blogpost is nearly finished & will soon be filed into the hidden archives. So much understanding, freedom & release comes in doing the painful & although I had to push myself to continue on, I am so thankful that I did. Honestly, putting thought to finger is a means of revelation, wisdom & redemption for me. Getting my thoughts out gives me the ability to let loose & move forward. With the sentiments of my heart documented, I can free up that portion of storage space...in my mind...in my heart...in my spirit. I can let it go & let God work it out. So blessed by friends who challenge me to do that which would be easier to bury...suppress...harbor yet what benefit are any of those things? None at all. To anyone. And gives Satan the opportunity to continually resurface. No thanks. I'm in search of freedom, not bondage. I may post a few of the excerpts that I feel may be beneficial to others & where specific details lack disclosing... Love is the rule... Love protects. ♥

Something that has been wafting in & out of my mind & that God keeps showing forth glimpses of is maturity. Maturity. And most of us as adults would think that since we are adults, we are mature. But I wonder...are we? The areas God has been showing glimpses of, He asks, "What does maturity look like in this situation? How would maturity show forth in that response?" It's made me do a lot of thinking & searching. Seeking & evaluating.

I have a small, diverse, humble circle of women on facebook who belong to a closed group that I created a year or so ago. It's a group that I comb for thoughts... Insight... Understanding... Most of them have never met, don't know one another or have no association with each other yet we are all sisters...in Christ. I am grateful for their sporadic fellowship & transparent hearts in this journey of life. So grateful. Last week's question was, "In doing some study this morning I am attempting to comprise a list of specific marks of maturity. I have a few things penned but wanted to ask for further thoughts on what you see/deem as attributes of spiritual & emotional maturity? Anyone willing to share?" One humble heart shared that she was having such an "immature week" that she wasn't sure she could identify with maturity. Haven't we all been there? Transparency at it's finest. :) One mentioned humility & another selflessness. A few others... An open mind, willing to look at both sides of anything. As well as turning the other cheek & taking more flack than we deserve. Another sweet sister who I have never personally met yet have deeply grown to love & respect (and someday hope to sit across the table from) first said the Fruit of the Spirit came to her mind & then added, "When the Bible uses the word 'perfect' it can mean mature, particularly in the NT. (Like when it says in Timothy that the man of God be perfect.) Job was called perfect in the same verse he was described as upright, feared God & eschewed evil." Ah...this resonated. And compelled me to dig...deep...into God's Word. Her response sharpened me into looking past surface maturity & searching to know how God sees & defines maturity. Do any of you know how I passionately wish & wish passionately that I could weekly sit with a group of women to dig & search & seek...together...over coffee or hot tea...with Bibles wide open...and hearts lain bare? In order to know more?

I had already scribbled several thoughts of revelation in my journal...

Content...
Peaceful...
Focused.

And as I worked around the house, the Lord would place more on my heart...

Certain...
Intentional...
Resolved.

And as I reflected on how I processed life, more filtered in...
And I was enlightened to my "lacking".

Unshaken...
Assertive...
Unselfish.

Bit-by-bit...my list grew...

Not emotionally driven...
Doesn't minimize others...
Solid.

The ability to distinguish correction from criticism...

Conviction from condemnation...

Sharpening from ridicule.

Consistent...
Quiet-at-heart...
Owns mistakes.

Lives in the Spirit rather than in the flesh...

Self-discipline...
Sees personal weakness as a means of growth...
Isn't prone to self-pity/self-martyrdom.

Loving and forgiving as a child would...

Thinking and responding as an adult.

Doesn't feel the need to defend oneself...
Faces adversity rather than runs from it...
Desires to grow/enlarge others.

Mature people are aware of the desires, feelings & purposes of those around them as a means to not intentionally offend yet they don't "own" those desires, feelings & purposes themselves.

Faces conflict with humility & courage...
Rejoices with others in their accomplishments...
Takes ownership of responsibility.

Mature people know who they are, how & what they believe. 

They take ownership of their individual feelings, desires, purposes & emotions & they not only fail to ask others to take ownership/responsibility for those things but they, as well, don't allow others to diminish, discourage, negate or devalue the person they are.

Isn't easily provoked or quickly angered...
Doesn't use manipulation to get their own way...
Not an excuse-maker.

Receives correction, conviction & sharpening with grace...

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

If I placed a big, red ouch beside each area that I know without any question that I fall short in, well, you would think vastly different of me.

If I graded myself on this list above & marked a bold, red check mark near the ones I am lacking in, my grade would be one of failure.

Considering the list thus far, how do you see yourself in light of maturity?

There is NO drama in the heart of a mature person.

Drama that says...

Look at me...

Feel sorry for me...

Take pity on me...

See how wonderful I am...

Please place your attention on me.

As my one sister-in-Christ shared, some days/weeks I do fairly well & others...well...epic fail. This compilation really stretched me & gave me much to think about & consider. Honestly, it's made me more aware of when I know I am not acting or responding in a mature manner & it reminds me...

It reminds me that I am 40-something & God expects me to act as such...

I mean really, when we act or respond in an immature manner, what does this do to our Christian witness & our integral character? These aren't elementary concepts however how often do we truly evaluate? For me, not near enough.

~maturity~ 

*The ability to respond to the environment in an appropriate manner.

Appropriate manner... Yep, if I compare that statement to the list above, it works.

*This response is generally learned rather than instinctive.

Interesting... Maturity is learned... Somewhere... At some point... From someone. Maturity doesn't just happen. Which means that since we are adults, people, of all ages, are watching us. Learning from us. This reality was enlightening & humbling. Someone watching could be modeling their level of maturity after me...

*Maturity also encompasses being aware of the correct time & place to behave and knowing when to act, according to the circumstances and the culture of the society one lives in.

This statement made me think of several things... It reminded me of MaKayla & Mal watching Barney as little tykes & learning that some voices are intended for inside use & some for outside. It makes me think of times when we tried to help kids understand that running outside or in a gymnasium is acceptable where inside a church or enclosed building is not. It stirs me to remember that certain conversations of sensitivity are acceptable with some people & some simply aren't. The list is endless...

Once I had this list tucked safely in my journal, I began studying Biblical/spiritual maturity... And I turned immediately to my concordance, commentary & Greek-Hebrew Bible. I first focused in on six specific Scriptures & after reading them individually, I expanded the study into reading the entire chapter where each verse originated in order to gain a better understanding. So that I made sure that what I was reading was in context.

"The goal of the Christian is expressed by the Greek word teleioteta, which is translated 'maturity'. The believer is to pursue maturity instead of going back to the initial rudiments of Christianity."

The questions that stir within me in correlation to that explanation are...
How many Christians have intentional, spiritual goals?
How many believers pursue spiritual maturity?

full-grown in mind and understanding
in knowledge of the truth
in Christian faith & virtue
irreproachable, blameless, fitted, complete, perfect, entire, whole
NOT to be confused with the Greek word anamartetos, meaning without sin or sinless.
the act of completing, finishing, a filling up

Do you notice all the things maturity is & the one thing it is not?

As I studied, the more God's Word became the solid, foundational platform that upholds that lengthy "surface list" outlined above.

1 Corinthians 2
Be mature in understanding & wisdom & then live by it. If the Spirit lives within me, I have understanding in regard to spiritual things. Do I accept that which the Spirit imparts? Do I apply it & live by it? Spiritual maturity does.

1 Corinthians 14
Mature individuals aren't self-edifying. They are always mindful of strengthening & encouraging the weak rather than "parading" their strengths. They don't seek what is best or most comfortable for themselves rather they consider the enlargement or furtherance of others. Is this how I live? Spiritual maturity does.

Ephesians 4
Maturity is keeping the bonds of peace & remaining unified with other Christians even when we may not agree. It is remaining consistent in what we know rather than being influenced by emotion or manipulation. For our goal is to sharpen one another & to encourage one another in the wake of eternity. To help those we share spiritual bloodlines with grow & be strong as we sojourn this side of Heaven. Are those my goals? What about you? Spiritual maturity does this.

Philippians 3
Maturity is leaving the past & the shame therein behind us. It is taking where we've been & where God has brought us & sharing it as a testimony of His goodness & faithfulness. It's using what we have learned to press on to find, gain & achieve that which Christ has in store for us. It is looking past differences with fellow believers in order to make much of Christ, all-the-while, seeking to gain understanding & clarity at the core of those differences. Do I do these things? Do I let shame go free when my sin is forgiven or do I stay connected to it? How about you? And is your greatest desire to make much of Christ even when other Christians don't agree with your position? And at the disagreement am I willing to continue searching until I know that I know that I know what God has shown me is Truth? And if I was seeing things wrong am I willing to acknowledge my ignorance in order to establish a stronger unity? Spiritual maturity does.

Colossians 1
Maturity is growing up in Christ. It's daily deepening our understanding & our knowledge of who He is & who He has created us, as His children, to be. It's moving past the milk & having a genuine hunger & desire for the meat. It's taking our eyes off of the temporal in order to strive for the eternal & having our focus being away from we, in the flesh & fixing our gaze on He, in the Spirit. Do you find yourself satisfied or are you always looking for something new to learn? Are you getting enough nourishment to just get by or are you consistently hungry for "the more"? Are you going deeper? Seeing further? Spiritual maturity never settles.

Hebrews 5
Maturity is knowing the basic principles of salvation & God's Word & moving beyond. It is the ability to move past the "stories", the familiar passages, the Scriptures that are flippantly used & having the ability to see the depth beyond the surface. It's building on the foundational truths. It's taking the wisdom/knowledge gleaned & applying it...putting it to use...working it out. Do I do this like I should? Or am I at times like the soil upon which the seed fell but didn't allow it to penetrate, take root & sprout in preparation for growth & the bearing of fruit? Spiritual maturity does.

Spiritual maturity is moving past the milk (basic teachings) & embracing the meat...

But we can't do that if we aren't in the Word.
Daily.

Babies don't stay babies...
Toddlers don't stay toddlers...
Adolescents don't remain adolescents.

Or at least they shouldn't...

And most would question if they did.

Yet sadly, the vast majority of Christians never advance beyond the stage in which they turned their lives over to Christ. Like all other transitions in life our walk with God is a gradual transformation by being stretched & challenged & nudged out of our comfort zone. It's moving past the elementary teachings & searching His Word to know more. To gain a better understanding. To gain wisdom on who He wants us to be. But how many are willing to put forth the effort? What number of Christians are comfortable right where they are? And have no desire to be anything or anyone different?

That list above...
Pushes me...
Stretches me...
Challenges me.

The ability to see past the surface of another person's heart to the truth & depth therein yet without the compulsion to judge, condemn or offend...

It reminds me that I've come a long way from where I was but reveals that I still have a long way to go.

As I've pondered this I see where the church itself is partially responsible yet we as individuals are responsible as well. Many pastors continue to teach the pablum (as my pops refers to it) & fail to place the meat in front of their congregations. They shy away from the complicated teachings or the areas that could cause unrest, discomfort or confusion. However isn't that where transformation most often takes place? Isn't that where you see the most growth in children? When they are encouraged to go from crawling to walking? When teething takes place? When they have to stop using their fingers to feed themselves & are challenged to use a fork & spoon? Transition is a part of everyday life...except in our walk with Christ. We don't want anyone to feel offended/convicted... So we just stick to the familiar... The easy to understand... The things that don't stir controversy. Yet if the meat is never placed in front of us, how will we ever move beyond the milk?

And we remain immature...
Stunted...
Unlearned.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

~1 Corinthians 13:11

Because if we aren't being challenged to transform, grow & expand our knowing in the public meeting of worship, we must take responsibility, through the grace & influence of the Holy Spirit, to engage a deeper learning for ourselves.

It's essential.
And something we will be held accountable for.

Whether it's getting up earlier, staying up later or removing something from our schedule that carves time out & frees up space for study & prayer.

When it comes down to it, maturity is a choice. 

Whether of the secular nature or of the spiritual nature...

It's a reality that requires desire & effort...
Sacrifice & intentionality.

I look at my life & it's tempting to be deeply ashamed...
For so many reasons...
In so many areas.

I haven't handled things correctly nor have I responded in a responsible manner. I recognize so much immaturity in regard to my role as a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I see where I have acted in so many unbecoming ways with fellow Christians & unbelievers alike. I am reminded of moments where I could have been a tool of instruction but instead I allowed the other person/people no opportunity for learning. I acknowledge situations where I have been more of a disgrace to God rather than an instrument for His glory.

Those moments when I felt like I had to "prove" myself...
Or defend.

Those instances where instead of listening & remaining still...
I felt compelled to contribute my "two cents".

Those situations in which I felt intimidated or insecure...
And I recoiled into self-pity.

Those times that I knew I should be considering the other person...
And I could only think of self.

Those circumstances where an element of drama was added...
But was so unnecessary & only added an emotional twist  in order to place attention on me.

My heart confesses...

I am humbled...
I am repentant.

And now that I have been enlightened I have no excuse & every time I refer to this list I am reminded. I may often feel as though I have a "right" to act, respond or display an attitude as I wish yet such thinking is shallow; for God is continuously placing me in opportunities & situations where I can make much of Him & be an example to others.

He is showing me that in my "lacking", He desires to redeem me. Where in those "wasted years" with MaKayla & Mal, he longs to guide me in helping them see maturity for what it truly is. That I can genuinely apologize to them for the poor example I have been yet vow to point them in the right direction through my words, my attitude, my actions & my responses. That they can detect a difference in me & begin to repattern some of their "learned tendencies". ♥ I never meant to damage...that was my last intention & I am most thankful that ignorance can be redeemed through the grace of God & the blood of Christ.

So thankful...

For grace that covers...

And blood that cleanses.

If you've made it through this lengthy post, I would be humbled & honored to hear your thoughts. ♥

Was maturity modeled for you in your formative years?
Do you feel like you have a good grasp on maturity?
Are there areas after reading this where you see adjustments could be implemented?

Thank you for doing this Christ-following journey with me. ♥

Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.

~1 Corinthians 14:20

We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because  you are slow to learn.

In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you

the elementary truths of God's word all over again.

You need milk not solid food!

Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant,

is not acquainted with the teachings about righteousness.

But solid food is for the mature, 

who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.

Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity,

not laying again the foundation of repentance from the acts that lead to death,

and of faith in God, instructions about baptisms, the laying on of hands,

the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgement.

~Hebrews 5:14 - 6:1-2

Candidly...It's Selfish & Sinful.

It's a Monday...
A new day...
A new week...
A fresh, clean canvas.

A canvas for words to be written...

Paint to be splattered...
Ink to be embedded...
Creativity to be unfolded.

It's a canvas for lives to be impacted...
Hearts to be touched...
Love to be invested.

As a wife & a mom...
A friend & a sister-in-Christ...
This is how I discern God desiring me to look at the days ahead.

Mal & I are back in the full-swing of school mode & honestly, we are both loving it. Routine, responsibilities, challenges to be conquered & concepts to be learned. I can't even articulate how thankful I am for her diligence & determination as she purposes to be focused & resolved in mastering a new depth of instruction. This year has been much harder & has required much more time & attention than any other year thus far and at first, although it was daunting & overwhelming, she has been courageous & has risen to the tasks placed before her. ♥  I love her tenacity... ♥

And as I'm sure many of you are wondering, MaKayla is doing wonderful as well. Over the past several weeks she has fully embraced the life & role of being a farmer's wife & is finding much fulfillment & contentment therein. She's visibly happy, radiant & full of joy...such a gift to see firsthand.  As a mom, it's an inexplicable blessing seeing your children function where God has strategically placed them & I find my heart thankful. ♥

As both girls have settled well into this newness of life, I have found the freedom to settle back into typical life myself. I wish there were a way to express how thankful I am for the grace & mercy & strength & peace God has afforded us in the transition. After 21 years of doing life side-by-side, day in and day out, with very few days apart from one another, the moving from that life to this life, with the exception of a few minor instances where a short-lived meltdown has been present, it has been a natural shifting of seasons. Of course, we miss MaKayla's daily presence & invaluable contribution to our home & she misses us & our continual companionship yet when one is in their proper place, doing what God has entrusted them to do, with their eyes focused on Him, simply put, it just works. Prior to the Lord bringing a mate into MaKayla's life & in the weeks leading up to the wedding, with the help & guidance of the Holy Spirit, I did my best to prepare our family for the impending changes... I'm a hands-on wife/mom who doesn't wait for the signs of a threatening storm to be present before we take cover.

Safety...security...peace...strength...hope...anticipation...joy... These have been abundant these past several weeks & I can assure you, I don't take them for granted. ♥

I wish there were a way to express how thankful I am...

For me settling back into typical life means early-rising & immersing myself in God's Word before nature awakens. It means being nourished in spirit before the demands of the day approach me. It means giving God the opportunity to set my heart & mind at rest so that I can meet challenges with soundness & Truth. It means being quiet & listening to the Holy Spirit speak to me the words that God knows I need to hear...

Words of encouragement...

Words of correction...

Words of instruction.

These are the very things that sustain the life within me.

Morning-by-morning as I immerse myself in God's Word, He chooses to speak wisdom & truth to me. He chooses to grow me & challenge me. He chooses to change & shape & transform me. He chooses to breathe life within me. Life like I have never known... Scriptures awaken & become radiant. They meet me where I'm at & instruct me in the way I am to think & speak & act. They deepen & widen & broaden my understanding. They align my feelings & emotions with the solidity of Truth. Can I say it's always pleasant & easy to devour? Um, no. But is it always for my benefit & His glory? Most definitely. I would be lying if I didn't admit that the past several months of living have been the most stretching & taxing... And if I weren't a peacemaker at heart or I didn't give a thought more or less of what people thought... Of if I turned a blind eye or a deaf ear to anything & everyone with the exception of self... Or if I simply didn't care, than these things that have labored my heart & tested my being would have been non-existent & life would have been a breeze. But... I am a peacemaker & I do care what others think. Above all, I desire unity & harmony... And since I am not a person who very rarely thinks of self... Drowning out the desires & feelings of others simply isn't an option for me. Bottom line, I am a person who cares.

As I journey through Proverbs over & over & over again, God is specifically showing me how to approach those situations in life that are wearing & taxing & stretching. Those people who have a natural tendency to labor & test me. I am learning...

And in this learning He speaks loudly & consistently...
He guides me step-by-step...
Day-by-day...
Situation-by-situation...
In a way that no human being could guide...

For He knows my heart & He sees therein.

In the coming days & weeks I long to find time to articulate those things here...as a record & as a testimony. As a means to look back & be reminded. Not just for me, but for MaKayla & Mal.

You know, I wish I could write one of those colorful, flowery, filled-to-the-brim-with-happiness posts that people eagerly anticipate covering the details of Dillon & MaKayla's wedding that took place on September 6th but if I'm candid & real, I can't. And to be honest, that is the post I am working up the courage to compose that more than likely most will never read with the exception of that one friend who asked me to put it together as a means of therapy & healing for my aching heart. No, I'm not being dramatic or exaggerating things that weren't as if they were, because they were. They are. I'm just saying... I can't... For it wasn't. And in the weeks following that September 6th event, I have been diligently & intently searching & seeking truths to heal & wisdom to align & instruction to correct & understanding to understand. And bit-by-every-little-bit, that which I am seeking & searching to discover, I am finding.

One big thing God has helped me to clearly see is that unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition between people gains no winners...or losers.

Think about it... Competition is an avenue to deem one person or team or group of people stronger, smarter, more skilled or more successful. It's a means to prove that one is greater with the other being lesser. One being primary with the other being secondary. One classified superior while the other is categorized as inferior. One being first-class while the other is seen as second-rate. One is declared the winner... The other declared...the loser. And once the declaration is made, one feels empowered & proud while the other is left feeling defeated & shamed. This reality is present in sports, corporate-world, academics & any trade in life. Sadly, it doesn't stop there... It exists in the arenas of parenting, marriage, every possible family relation (siblings, cousins, in-laws, aunts/uncles, grandparents, ect), friends, brothers & sisters in Christ...

And whether we want to acknowledge it or not...it's damaging.

Sure, competition can compel us to learn more... It can challenge us to try harder... It can propel us to hone skill. But for the purpose of what? To come out on top? To prove to someone else that we are stronger, smarter, richer? More favored, skilled or successful?

And although some competitions are known & recognized as such...
More than are, aren't.

You see, that second group that I spoke of a few paragraphs back...parenting, marriage, family relations, friends, brothers & sisters in Christ... The competing that is present & taking place within those ties & connections are most often unspoken.

And because sports teams are just sports teams & colleagues are just colleagues & students are just students, they compete & go their separate ways in life without the depth of emotional ties that the other relationships contain. It doesn't mean that long-term insecurity isn't instilled which very much disheartens me (especially among students & colleagues) yet the long-term implications & damages are less. Those tight-knit relationships are altogether something different. And should be treated as such. Yet we divulge...or at least I do. We want to be the one who does more or gives more... We want to be the one who gains the most attention & affection... We want to be admired & esteemed to a degree higher... We want to be the better cook or the more fashionable... We want to be the coolest or funnest or the more spiritual... We want to be the more gifted or talented or discerning... We want to be the stronger or wiser or favored... And sadly, many times, more times than not, we will do just about anything to achieve the prize...the award...the honor. When in all actuality, the "doing just about anything" damages...destroys...defeats...demeans, the one with whom we are secretly competing against. As well as ourselves. Candidly, it's selfish & sinful.

So why do we do it? Why do I do it? Why do you do it?

As God spoke to me nearly two weeks ago as I was toodling through our home doing housework, "Unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition gains no winners...or losers. Both "teams" just wear themselves out from trying, attempting, working to gain "victory" over the contest. How senseless. How can one win against another when one of the parties may not even know there is a game to be won? A victory to be had? A contest to be duked out? How senseless."

And when truthfully, what is there to compete for? And is it worth what it's costing us? Me? You?

If I'm competing for love or admiration, that should come from who I am not from what I do...
If I'm competing for strength or favor...either I have it or I don't. It shouldn't have to be proven.
If I'm competing for discernment or spirituality or giftedness...that's for God to administer.
If I'm competing for attention or affection...when I give it in abundance, it will be returned the same.
And if it's not, I will have done what I know is right & integral.
If I'm competing for admiration or esteem...what difference does it really make?
If I'm competing for fashion or coolness or fun or best cook award...I'm vain.

Competition breeds pride rather than humility...

But if all I am doing is trying to compete in order to prove or achieve, I am actually losing. And if I'm competing with my opponent unaware, I am competing amiss & I will eventually wear myself out & gain me an enemy (whether real or perceived) rather than an ally.

God is grieved when we compete & work against each other fostering...
Disunity.
Discord.
Unrest.
Contention.
Strife.
Bitterness.
Resentment.
Envy.
It divides those that should be intimately connected & it weakens the witness & testimony that He desires we be.

For in order to compete to win, certain attributes that God instructs against have to be present to seal a "victory"...
Manipulation.
Deception.
Trickery.
Craftiness.
Secrecy.

And it costs us that which is most valuable...
Peace & rest (spiritual, mental, emotional).
And unwavering joy.

Competition gains enemies rather than allies...

God desires we work together...
To compliment.
To strengthen.
To sharpen.
To enrich.
To encourage.
To enlarge.
To be a living example of what His Word instructs.

Bearing my heart, I would rather pool resources & combine diversity to create a newness of beauty or strengthen what is already present than to remain on separate teams where there is division rather than unification.

Although I don't have all the answers and, this side of heaven, never will have, God is graciously extending Himself to me in order that I might see things, situations, circumstances more clearly. He's revealing areas in my life that are more destructive than constructive. Areas that are minimizing my effectiveness in loving well & administering grace. Places that I have a tendency to criticize rather than appreciate. Positions where He simply wants me to take care of myself rather than worrying about anyone else.

Do you see unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition in your own life?

The same friend I spoke of in the last post shared with me sometime ago amidst a conversation we were having, "It is a time thing. It will grow. You will look back and see what is created. I know you well enough." You know, she is right. ♥

Time is allowing the wounds to get air, rest from abrasion, subside from trauma in order to promote healing. From the inside out. And through the process, I am learning.

Thankful I am. ♥

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ,

if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit,

if any tenderness & compassion, 

then make my joy complete by being like-minded,

having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,

but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Each of you should look not only to your own interests,

but also to the interests of others.

~Philippians 2:1-4