Candidly...It's Selfish & Sinful.

It's a Monday...
A new day...
A new week...
A fresh, clean canvas.

A canvas for words to be written...

Paint to be splattered...
Ink to be embedded...
Creativity to be unfolded.

It's a canvas for lives to be impacted...
Hearts to be touched...
Love to be invested.

As a wife & a mom...
A friend & a sister-in-Christ...
This is how I discern God desiring me to look at the days ahead.

Mal & I are back in the full-swing of school mode & honestly, we are both loving it. Routine, responsibilities, challenges to be conquered & concepts to be learned. I can't even articulate how thankful I am for her diligence & determination as she purposes to be focused & resolved in mastering a new depth of instruction. This year has been much harder & has required much more time & attention than any other year thus far and at first, although it was daunting & overwhelming, she has been courageous & has risen to the tasks placed before her. ♥  I love her tenacity... ♥

And as I'm sure many of you are wondering, MaKayla is doing wonderful as well. Over the past several weeks she has fully embraced the life & role of being a farmer's wife & is finding much fulfillment & contentment therein. She's visibly happy, radiant & full of joy...such a gift to see firsthand.  As a mom, it's an inexplicable blessing seeing your children function where God has strategically placed them & I find my heart thankful. ♥

As both girls have settled well into this newness of life, I have found the freedom to settle back into typical life myself. I wish there were a way to express how thankful I am for the grace & mercy & strength & peace God has afforded us in the transition. After 21 years of doing life side-by-side, day in and day out, with very few days apart from one another, the moving from that life to this life, with the exception of a few minor instances where a short-lived meltdown has been present, it has been a natural shifting of seasons. Of course, we miss MaKayla's daily presence & invaluable contribution to our home & she misses us & our continual companionship yet when one is in their proper place, doing what God has entrusted them to do, with their eyes focused on Him, simply put, it just works. Prior to the Lord bringing a mate into MaKayla's life & in the weeks leading up to the wedding, with the help & guidance of the Holy Spirit, I did my best to prepare our family for the impending changes... I'm a hands-on wife/mom who doesn't wait for the signs of a threatening storm to be present before we take cover.

Safety...security...peace...strength...hope...anticipation...joy... These have been abundant these past several weeks & I can assure you, I don't take them for granted. ♥

I wish there were a way to express how thankful I am...

For me settling back into typical life means early-rising & immersing myself in God's Word before nature awakens. It means being nourished in spirit before the demands of the day approach me. It means giving God the opportunity to set my heart & mind at rest so that I can meet challenges with soundness & Truth. It means being quiet & listening to the Holy Spirit speak to me the words that God knows I need to hear...

Words of encouragement...

Words of correction...

Words of instruction.

These are the very things that sustain the life within me.

Morning-by-morning as I immerse myself in God's Word, He chooses to speak wisdom & truth to me. He chooses to grow me & challenge me. He chooses to change & shape & transform me. He chooses to breathe life within me. Life like I have never known... Scriptures awaken & become radiant. They meet me where I'm at & instruct me in the way I am to think & speak & act. They deepen & widen & broaden my understanding. They align my feelings & emotions with the solidity of Truth. Can I say it's always pleasant & easy to devour? Um, no. But is it always for my benefit & His glory? Most definitely. I would be lying if I didn't admit that the past several months of living have been the most stretching & taxing... And if I weren't a peacemaker at heart or I didn't give a thought more or less of what people thought... Of if I turned a blind eye or a deaf ear to anything & everyone with the exception of self... Or if I simply didn't care, than these things that have labored my heart & tested my being would have been non-existent & life would have been a breeze. But... I am a peacemaker & I do care what others think. Above all, I desire unity & harmony... And since I am not a person who very rarely thinks of self... Drowning out the desires & feelings of others simply isn't an option for me. Bottom line, I am a person who cares.

As I journey through Proverbs over & over & over again, God is specifically showing me how to approach those situations in life that are wearing & taxing & stretching. Those people who have a natural tendency to labor & test me. I am learning...

And in this learning He speaks loudly & consistently...
He guides me step-by-step...
Day-by-day...
Situation-by-situation...
In a way that no human being could guide...

For He knows my heart & He sees therein.

In the coming days & weeks I long to find time to articulate those things here...as a record & as a testimony. As a means to look back & be reminded. Not just for me, but for MaKayla & Mal.

You know, I wish I could write one of those colorful, flowery, filled-to-the-brim-with-happiness posts that people eagerly anticipate covering the details of Dillon & MaKayla's wedding that took place on September 6th but if I'm candid & real, I can't. And to be honest, that is the post I am working up the courage to compose that more than likely most will never read with the exception of that one friend who asked me to put it together as a means of therapy & healing for my aching heart. No, I'm not being dramatic or exaggerating things that weren't as if they were, because they were. They are. I'm just saying... I can't... For it wasn't. And in the weeks following that September 6th event, I have been diligently & intently searching & seeking truths to heal & wisdom to align & instruction to correct & understanding to understand. And bit-by-every-little-bit, that which I am seeking & searching to discover, I am finding.

One big thing God has helped me to clearly see is that unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition between people gains no winners...or losers.

Think about it... Competition is an avenue to deem one person or team or group of people stronger, smarter, more skilled or more successful. It's a means to prove that one is greater with the other being lesser. One being primary with the other being secondary. One classified superior while the other is categorized as inferior. One being first-class while the other is seen as second-rate. One is declared the winner... The other declared...the loser. And once the declaration is made, one feels empowered & proud while the other is left feeling defeated & shamed. This reality is present in sports, corporate-world, academics & any trade in life. Sadly, it doesn't stop there... It exists in the arenas of parenting, marriage, every possible family relation (siblings, cousins, in-laws, aunts/uncles, grandparents, ect), friends, brothers & sisters in Christ...

And whether we want to acknowledge it or not...it's damaging.

Sure, competition can compel us to learn more... It can challenge us to try harder... It can propel us to hone skill. But for the purpose of what? To come out on top? To prove to someone else that we are stronger, smarter, richer? More favored, skilled or successful?

And although some competitions are known & recognized as such...
More than are, aren't.

You see, that second group that I spoke of a few paragraphs back...parenting, marriage, family relations, friends, brothers & sisters in Christ... The competing that is present & taking place within those ties & connections are most often unspoken.

And because sports teams are just sports teams & colleagues are just colleagues & students are just students, they compete & go their separate ways in life without the depth of emotional ties that the other relationships contain. It doesn't mean that long-term insecurity isn't instilled which very much disheartens me (especially among students & colleagues) yet the long-term implications & damages are less. Those tight-knit relationships are altogether something different. And should be treated as such. Yet we divulge...or at least I do. We want to be the one who does more or gives more... We want to be the one who gains the most attention & affection... We want to be admired & esteemed to a degree higher... We want to be the better cook or the more fashionable... We want to be the coolest or funnest or the more spiritual... We want to be the more gifted or talented or discerning... We want to be the stronger or wiser or favored... And sadly, many times, more times than not, we will do just about anything to achieve the prize...the award...the honor. When in all actuality, the "doing just about anything" damages...destroys...defeats...demeans, the one with whom we are secretly competing against. As well as ourselves. Candidly, it's selfish & sinful.

So why do we do it? Why do I do it? Why do you do it?

As God spoke to me nearly two weeks ago as I was toodling through our home doing housework, "Unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition gains no winners...or losers. Both "teams" just wear themselves out from trying, attempting, working to gain "victory" over the contest. How senseless. How can one win against another when one of the parties may not even know there is a game to be won? A victory to be had? A contest to be duked out? How senseless."

And when truthfully, what is there to compete for? And is it worth what it's costing us? Me? You?

If I'm competing for love or admiration, that should come from who I am not from what I do...
If I'm competing for strength or favor...either I have it or I don't. It shouldn't have to be proven.
If I'm competing for discernment or spirituality or giftedness...that's for God to administer.
If I'm competing for attention or affection...when I give it in abundance, it will be returned the same.
And if it's not, I will have done what I know is right & integral.
If I'm competing for admiration or esteem...what difference does it really make?
If I'm competing for fashion or coolness or fun or best cook award...I'm vain.

Competition breeds pride rather than humility...

But if all I am doing is trying to compete in order to prove or achieve, I am actually losing. And if I'm competing with my opponent unaware, I am competing amiss & I will eventually wear myself out & gain me an enemy (whether real or perceived) rather than an ally.

God is grieved when we compete & work against each other fostering...
Disunity.
Discord.
Unrest.
Contention.
Strife.
Bitterness.
Resentment.
Envy.
It divides those that should be intimately connected & it weakens the witness & testimony that He desires we be.

For in order to compete to win, certain attributes that God instructs against have to be present to seal a "victory"...
Manipulation.
Deception.
Trickery.
Craftiness.
Secrecy.

And it costs us that which is most valuable...
Peace & rest (spiritual, mental, emotional).
And unwavering joy.

Competition gains enemies rather than allies...

God desires we work together...
To compliment.
To strengthen.
To sharpen.
To enrich.
To encourage.
To enlarge.
To be a living example of what His Word instructs.

Bearing my heart, I would rather pool resources & combine diversity to create a newness of beauty or strengthen what is already present than to remain on separate teams where there is division rather than unification.

Although I don't have all the answers and, this side of heaven, never will have, God is graciously extending Himself to me in order that I might see things, situations, circumstances more clearly. He's revealing areas in my life that are more destructive than constructive. Areas that are minimizing my effectiveness in loving well & administering grace. Places that I have a tendency to criticize rather than appreciate. Positions where He simply wants me to take care of myself rather than worrying about anyone else.

Do you see unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition in your own life?

The same friend I spoke of in the last post shared with me sometime ago amidst a conversation we were having, "It is a time thing. It will grow. You will look back and see what is created. I know you well enough." You know, she is right. ♥

Time is allowing the wounds to get air, rest from abrasion, subside from trauma in order to promote healing. From the inside out. And through the process, I am learning.

Thankful I am. ♥

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ,

if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit,

if any tenderness & compassion, 

then make my joy complete by being like-minded,

having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,

but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Each of you should look not only to your own interests,

but also to the interests of others.

~Philippians 2:1-4