He Desires That We Do...

To say that life has been utterly, nonsensical, crazy around here would be an understatement. Ever since the beautiful events of June 20th unfolded we have been in a constant state of going, doing, creating, planning & deciding. On June 20th, Dillon asked MaKayla if she would be his forever...

And without hesitation she said, "Yes!"

Many dates were tossed around & considered & after trying to work around various schedules & conflicts it was deemed that a date simply had to be set with the hope & prayer that those closest to both Dillon & MaKayla would be able to be present. Of course the reality of harvest was one of the make-it or break-it considerations... ;) September 6th was Sharpied on the calendar & morning-by-morning, day-by-day & night-by-night, we have been in a continual mode of preparing. We're getting there but still have a ways to go. (A post more specific will come later...when time allows.)

Marci & I are hostessing a shower for MaKayla (and Dillon) on Saturday here in our home & my "things that need done" list are long & wide & deep. Yesterday I began the task of cleaning & preparing... This morning as I began thinking about the things I would like to get accomplished in my day ahead, my thoughts turned to the living room/dining room windows that are adorned with dusty curtains & speckled glass. And as I thought of the window coverings that have been present since we moved here ten years ago this summer, I realized that they really no longer "match"... And then I remembered a conversation with MaKayla & Mal the other day  which confirmed that the furniture lacks in the "matching area" as well. Immediately the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart...

"Mendi, how often do you get so comfortable & familiar with something that you fail to see the need for change?

The reality of "unmatching" curtains & furniture...
The reality that they match each other yet they don't match the paint color or decor...
The reality that, though time moves on, things remain unchanged.

Life has been full of transitions & we haven't even touched the surface of the ones about to take shape yet our flesh is tempted to dig our toes in the soil & refuse to move with the transitions. Our hearts see things nearing & we are compelled to hold on a little tighter...a little longer. Our minds recognize the upcoming changes however we choose to not acknowledge them for what they are.

It's easier to not go there...

As I process the physical implication as well as the spiritual application in regard to this moment of instruction from the One who feeds & cleanses my soul, I am challenged & it compels me to examine other areas of my life that need "switched up" & "spruced up". It urges me to evaluate places in my heart that have become stagnant, faded & adorned with cobwebs. It drives me to look around & recognize clutter that needs removed & refreshment that needs to be executed.

Remaining the same...
Resisting change...
Refusing to glide with the ebb & flow of life...

Creates a hardness...
Feeds control...
Inhibits God from providing color to our beings...

Boring.
Lonely.
Isolated.
Dull.
Suffocating.

Although God never changes, He desires that we do...

In conformity to His plan.

No, I'm not changing furniture or window coverings...yet.
We have a shower to prepare for & a wedding to plan! ♥

Does The Latter Diminish The Former...

It's a Thursday...
Another day where the weather can't seem to make up it's mind what it wants to do.
Cloudy one minute...
A peek of the sun the next.
It's NOT raining...so I will take the cloudy, warm, small-peeks-of-the-sun-kind-of-day. :)

Life continues to tick on here in our corner of the country, and I'm learning that every day has something new to offer. Every day contains something that God wants me to learn. :) I love, love, love to learn & to grow & to be stretched but sometimes I wonder if I will ever just have one day that I get it right... That I don't feel/see the need to change... Or a day that I feel I attained that which Christ has asked of me... I wonder.

As I have thought & pondered a vast array of things the past several days, it amazes me how new seasons of life inhibit conception of "new life" from a spiritual/emotional sense. Yes, new seasons breed change, adjustment & transition of the physical sense yet can one make those physical changes without spiritual, mental, & emotional change at the helm? I wonder if some people can & some people can't... I wonder.

I'm an analyzer at heart... I think & I think deep. Therefore, when seasons in my life change, my heart, mind, soul, being, must stretch, grow, adjust & transition as well. And due to how I am wired, that stretching, growing, adjusting & transitioning kicks my analytical mind into overdrive... I need to process & resolve. I desire to grasp & to receive. I hunger for knowing & understanding. I want those changes & transitions to be fruitful & life-giving... Not just for me, but for those that are walking that road with me.

And because of that...I am constantly considering...

Their thoughts...

Their feelings...

Their struggles...

Their victories...

Their well-being...

I want them to thrive.

MaKayla has now been in a courtship with Dillon for three-plus months. I can't even begin to articulate what a beautiful example, straight from God's hand, this reality of provision has been. I fail to be able to put into words what a blessing the process & the progression of their relationship has afforded. Richness. Yet amidst the beauty & the blessing their have been struggles & pain... Effort & difficulty.

Does the latter diminish the former?
Absolutely not.

It's a changing of gears & my gears are currently g-r-i-n-d-i-n-g...

What I can say is that it has generated a deep & wide expanse of refining & purifying for me. A straining of the soul, per se. I feel like my heart & my mind & my soul are being ran through a sieve every.single.day. A skimming of the dross. And what does refining & purifying & straining & sieving & skimming have in common?

What are their purpose? 

They remove the filth & the pollution...
They detect the sediment & the rottenness...
They reveal stench & contamination...

And I can honestly say that the process is inexplicably uncomfortable.

Not because I don't want the grossness gone, but because I don't just want those things instantly removed, I want to learn & grow & change in the process so that I step away unblemished in those areas that were once corrupt. I want to glean so that I can replant those organic seeds that I harvest in the heart of another "field". If I am simply instantly changed, what do I take away that can be reinvested in the seeking life that is walking behind? If I emerge with a miracle, yes, I have a testimony, but do I have wisdom & understanding & encouragement to pass on to another soul that is searching?

I know most reading this aren't surprised by the struggle I find myself in, for the vast majority have been waiting for the fall & the fail... The awakening... The jolt to reality... The inoculation of "the real world"...

For the duration of our child-rearing years others have seen us a overtly protective & sheltering to the point of hindering. They've seen us as having full-control & neglecting the allowance of MaKayla & Mal to have a voice. They've been waiting for the day... The day that one of them would either rebel or take a step of independence... The day that our perfect little kingdom would crumble. 

Our kingdom isn't crumbling... 

It is growing & expanding & changing colors... 

It is being enlarged...

It is birthing new life...

And we are excited.

Yes, most parents/children experience these steps... Independence takes shape... Separation is a reality... Compromise is learned... Much sooner & earlier in life. But for us, this life that God has chosen for us & called us to walk, is diverse. Our continual togetherness... Our team of four... Our consistent schedule... Our default coping mechanisms... Our customary way of looking at things... Is transforming. And with that transformation comes a remolding & remaking... A stripping away of the old, familiar; a regrafting of the healthy & new & then the process of healing. A ridding of generational curses that, over the years, have become comfortable yet in this new season, are apparent need to go.

Isn't that the way it is in any transition in life?

And for me, it's not so much of the physical but of the mental/emotional... It's where my analytical, seeking, wondering, processing, searching soul kicks into overdrive. A desiring to know & understand... In regard to the here & now... And in regard to the days ahead. God has always encouraged me as a mom to see that MaKayla & Mal are ours to lead & guide & protect, until... They are ours to look out after until the day arrives that He provides a young man to take over that role... That role of priest & prophet & protector & provider... That role of making sure her needs are met... Needs of the physical kind yet most especially, needs of the mental, spiritual & emotional sort... And being willing to put her needs before his. One who will cradle her heart & embrace her body... One who will discern her best interest (even if she may not see it as such) & stay true to overseeing the manifestation of that. One who will wash her in the Word of God...daily. Praying with her... Challenging her... Encouraging her to grow in Him. One who will encourage & affirm yet hold her heart of flesh accountable at the same time. One who desires to see the genuineness of her soul & is always willing to make sacrifices accordingly. One who will love her gently & passionately & intimately...with full abandon. One who will see life through God's eyes & their eyes as a union rather than just through his eyes. One who will have fun with her & embark on spontaneous adventure...creating memories & deepening their love & enjoyment of one another. One in whom we are confident we can pass the baton on to & are certain he will take hold, grasp it tightly & will run a steady, committed race until the finish line. One who will carry on where we are leaving off & letting go of...

So much to consider when preparing to release your most valuable asset into the hands of another "investor". And although some would say we are once again being overprotective or unrealistic, God's Word says that we are not to throw our pearls before swine... MaKayla & Mal are pearls of great price. ♥

So much to consider...

Analytical + Transparent = Potential Disaster

And then keeping in check that it's not just about us anymore... There are others to consider.

Putting ourselves in their shoes...
Considering their wants/desires before our own...
Weighing their feelings on the scales...
Contemplating how our actions/decisions will affect theirs...
Realizing that they have a son that will soon be choosing a life of independence as well.

It's a continual process...
And it's hard.

I'm not borrowing trouble from tomorrow, I'm preparing...

And as I seek & search & wonder & analyze & process, I don't just work those exercises of the soul for my strengthening, but for the hearts of the other three that dwell here with me. It's my role as the nurturer & keeper & spirit-setter of our home to look out for those of whom God has entrusted into my care. 

I watch... 

I listen... 

I discern... 

I recognize... 

In order to know...

In order to encourage...

In order to nurture...

In order to understand.

I ask questions...

I dig-deep...

I search...

I seek...

I pray...

I listen...

In order to learn...

In order to gain wisdom...

In order to be enlightened...

In order to understand.

It's who I am.

And I see the fruitful benefit of being proactive rather than reactive... Recognizing the sprouting of a weed before it takes root... Discerning the onslaught of potential destruction prior to it's manifestation... Preparing a field for an abundant harvest rather than turning a blind eye or a deaf ear where thorns & thistles spring up & take over.

And in recognizing & discerning & preparing, I am enlightened to things of myself...

The filth & the pollution...

The sediment & the rottenness... 

The stench & contamination...

The weeds that have taken root...

The manifestation of destruction...

The field with thorns & thistles.

And I am humbled.

The prudent see danger and take refuge,

but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

~Proverbs 27:12

(Sometimes, just for once, I wish I could be "simple"...of mind...)

Reality is...it's not who I am...

It's amazing how much perception changes when one is looking at life through the eyes of their child, rather than through the eyes of their individual, selfish self...

And as I seek & search... 

As I dig-deep & pray... 

As I listen & learn... 

As I am enlightened & gain wisdom... 

I am thankful.

For those who are patient & compassionate...

For those who listen & quietly hear my heart...

Maybe saying something, maybe not.

For those who recognize my weaknesses...

Yet they don't just acknowledge & agree...

They exhort & encourage my wanting-to-know heart.

For those who rebuke...

And then follow that rebuke with positive affirmation.
Cheering me on...
Assuring me that, with God's help, I will get there & I will be victorious.

For those who understand (even though they don't fully understand this crazy heart of mine)...

And assure me that I will get through this...

Stronger...

Wiser...

More Christ-like.

For those "safe people"...

And for as few as they are, I'm thankful for them.

I don't want to just get through this, I want to mature in the process.

And I am thankful for Christ who is ever patient & loving...
Who intercedes on my behalf as I wrestle with the one, true, Sovereign God.

I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit who guides & counsels...
Who comforts & instructs me each & every step of the way.

I'm thankful for a heavenly Father who knows each & every crevice of my heart...
And will not change His mind or bow to my will for He knows what is best & right & perfect.

My girl is in love & it is an exhilarating sight for the entirety of my being to behold. ♥

And on the "other side" of the pain & discomfort of being washed in the Fuller's Soap, the dross & the sediment & the filth & the stench will be removed & I will be a more radiant, fragrant vessel for His use... Until a new season of life begins. ♥

But who can endure the day of His coming?

Who can stand when He appears?

For He will be like a Refiner's Fire or a Launderer's soap.

He will sit as a Refiner and Purifier of silver;

He will purify...

And refine them like gold & silver.

~Malachi 3:2-3

The Wait

As I sit down to share the thoughts, feelings & intents of my heart, I notice that my last blogging date was on this day clear back in October...five months to be exact. So many days...circumstances...memories... Life. Uncountable joys...hurts...victories... Time. Birthdays... Holidays... New life & loss just the same. Moments.

My hope & desire is to get caught up... I've missed this time to pour out... It's therapy for me. And it's an opportunity to put "stones" in place for MaKayla & Mal in future years. A place for them to look back & remember... God's goodness & faithfulness & purpose & promise & provision. Even in those moments when the fog was so thick we couldn't even begin to see or understand. And still is. Even in those situations where nothing made sense & the sorting out of it all seemed like an impossible task. And still does. Yet we pray & seek... We rest & wait... We stand firm on the Rock who is secure & unmovable.

But for this evening...

My Dearest MaKayla~

Tonight you are out celebrating... ♥
Spending time... ♥
Relishing... ♥

You are with the one your heart loves. ♥

For so many years you have waited & wondered & waited & prayed & waited & hoped & waited. ♥

The day God jolted your heart & spoke ever so clearly that His plan was different than your own, you have been in "the wait". You traded career for servitude... You exchanged financial gain for simple living... You surrendered a life of independence for a forever of submission... You yielded a 'you life' for a 'He life'. And you have done the trading & exchanging & surrendering & yielding with grace & beauty. You have lived the wait with resolve & purpose & passion & intentionality. ♥

As your momma, there have been times that I, too have wondered, & yes, I humbly admit that I've doubted & questioned as well. Yet in my days of doubt & questioning, you always reminded me, "I know what God has spoken. I am certain of what God has promised. I will wait & He will be faithful." ♥

Sitting here on the couch tonight, I reflect back on days/years gone by & I am inexplicably grateful for how the One who loves you most instructed your pops & I in the raising & nurturing & training of your precious life. How step-by-step He showed us how to bring you up in His image & for His purpose. His desires for you rather than ours... His plans for you rather than the normalcy of society... His perfection for you rather than what culture expects. For the majority of the trek it's been a going against of the grain & so incredibly tough at times yet as we arrive at this place in time, the ridicule & mockery & insults & belittlement have been every bit worth the beauty & delight we now behold. ♥

The signaling of an incoming text on my phone & the subsequent photo that followed (no different than all the others that you send me) filled my heart with joy. And once again made my heart thankful. ♥

For this one that you deemed would never work & could vehemently profoundly list all the deal-breakers associated in a relationship with him... (yet you didn't stand a chance as so many who love you both were intently praying for God to align your hearts to/with one another... ♥)

Has clearly stolen your heart. ♥

And your affections... ♥

Over these past four weeks, we have witnessed the piece of you that was missing, be discovered & strategically put into place through the means & in a way that only God could accomplish. ♥

We've watched you fall in love with this one whom you had closed your heart off to yet God divinely softened & opened so that He could fulfill His, before-the-beginning-of-time, plan. ♥

We've seen you invest yourself fully into this "deepening of friendship" relationship only to discover that he's the one you long to live the remainder of your life with... ♥

We've observed you giving your heart away... ♥

Enjoying this season... ♥

And having so much fun in the process. ♥

The glimpses & peeks & gazes that we, as your parents, are blessed to take in, are so reminiscent of ourselves nearly 26 years ago...and we stand in awe of the goodness & faithfulness & workings of the great & mighty God that set these things in motion. ♥

And as I reflect, I am humbled...

Humbled that I doubted...
And questioned...
And wondered...

Humbled of the uncertainty of my heart.

Yet God reminds me that many times when we doubt & question & wonder, it is then that we are most enthralled & intrigued & captivated through the might & majesty of His sovereign hand at work in our lives. It is then that we know it truly had nothing to do with us but everything to do with Him. ♥

I am thankful. ♥

Thankful that we can't take credit or applause...
Rather we can give Him glory...
And share the testimony of this promise that He spoke & fulfilled.  ♥

He is so worthy of our praise.

So as I sit here this night, I am grateful that we encouraged you to not awaken love too soon...
That we challenged you to guard your heart...
And protect your purity (physical & emotional) at all cost.

For the sake of Christ...
Yourself...
And Dillon.

I am grateful that the One who loves you so much more than we, compelled us to raise you with all diligence according to His Word. And that He equipped us & strengthened us & guided us each & every step of the way. And that His grace resolved your heart to wait. ♥

Thank you for listening to His voice... ♥
Considering His counsel... ♥
Obeying His instruction. ♥

Thank you for being intentional & faithful in the wait. ♥

Precious one, you are a treasure. ♥
And we eagerly await in anticipation as to all that God has in store. ♥

For always... ♥
Forever... ♥
A million Swedish fish plus more than you could ever begin to count... ♥

xoxoxoxoxoxo~
Momma

...I have found the one my heart loves.

~Song of Solomon 3:4