He Gave Me Freedom...

As I sat at the dining room table yesterday morning helping Mal along with her math, my heart was filled with the joy of the Lord & I found myself deeply thankful. Thankful for how my heart has changed over the past 20 plus years... I know that they say the older you get the more you lighten up but the transformation of my heart from then until now is nothing short of miraculous. It's a complete God work & no credit at all is afforded to me.

I sat there...
Eager to help...
Eager to learn...
Eager to absorb...

It hasn't always been this way...
Just ask MaKayla.

I can honestly say that I've always loved being a mom...
And a wife...
But for so many years, I penciled the girls in...
I slipped Kyle into the "open slots"...
And my focus was more on my agenda...

Ministry...
Friends...
Encouraging others...
Helping God out...
Preoccupations of the mind...

And my most used phrase was, "Just a minute..."
Or, "In a minute..."
Or, "Hold on a second..."

Maybe the minute would come, maybe it wouldn't.

Many times the "second" would never show itself a reality...

My family was on a constant "wait"...

But then God got a hold of my heart.

And I remember the day the discovery was made that Mallary was going to be "different"...
Not the "cookie cutter" piece of perfection that I had molded MaKayla in to...

Every hair in it's proper place...
All items of clothes color-coordinated...
Earrings...
Nail polish...
Shoes...

To match.

Color in the lines...exactly.
Horses are brown.
Frogs are green.
No, purple is not an acceptable shade for a cat.

Do as I say without asking a question...
Keep yourself occupied until I come to you...
Don't bother me while I am "busy"...

And then Mallary came along...
With colic in her stead.

 I should have then known... ♥

The "cookie cutter" approach was working great.
Until...

She started school.

She didn't learn the same...
But she was going to.

She didn't process the same...
But I would make her.

She didn't connect with the curriculum...
I will not buy new.

The image of "perfection" was working out well.
Until...

She started getting older.

The clothes didn't fit right...
We'll make them work.

The "style" wasn't her..
Too bad.

The temperament didn't jive with mine...
Fix it.

And then God, at one particular moment, yielded my heart towards His.

He made my heart receptive...
Teachable...
Submissive...

He showed me in a clear & profound way that MaKayla wasn't a puppet...
Mallary wasn't a clone...
And Kyle wasn't a robot...

The journey commenced.

I have many regrets in my years of mommyhood with MaKayla, yet I am thankful for grace...
For hers...
For God's...

I have much remorse for my narrow-minded way of thinking in Mal's early life, yet I am grateful God reeled me in...
Just.
In.
Time.

And showed me how beautiful & unique & colorful & free her heart was. ♥

I have much sorrow for my shallow love & selfish ambitions towards Kyle through that long season of ignorance, yet I am rich beyond measure...
His love, unconditional...
His devotion, unwavering...
His patience, uncapped...

So yesterday as my shoulder absorbed the tears of a precious heart...
With a longing to create my upcoming birthday a perfect celebration... ♥

And as last weeks words of a tender spirit, like a well-used record, play over again in my mind...
"Thank you for always allowing us to be who we are..." ♥

And as my eyes fall on the words of a journaled text from Saturday...
"I am so thankful & honored to be your husband! I praise God for your life, Mendi!" ♥

I find myself...
Humbled...
Thankful...
Rich...

And I give God praise.

He showed me how to get out of the way...

He helped me discover the reality of not just "lightening up" but being purposeful...
(Lightening up can be oh-so-dangerous & leave borders uncharted/unprotected.)

He showed me how to look beyond myself & make the hearts of others my focus...

He helped to me see that ALL standards should be set & gauged by Him & Him alone...

He gave me freedom... 

♥ To love...

♥ To enjoy...

♥ To cherish...

♥ To nurture...

♥ To appreciate... 

(Converse shoes & zebra striped/chartreuse colored clothing)

♥ To relish...

So today as the sun streams through the picture window, I sit alongside this one that I love working the perimeter and area of arcs and dissecting word problems with rates and ratios and as we compute fractions, area and volume, my heart is content.

And as I catch a glimpse of MaKayla lying on the couch (Nala cozily situated on her back) absorbing the truth & instruction of God's written word, my spirit is satisfied.

And as I acknowledge that the one, who in this life of flesh, loves me most is selflessly away, busy, working, in order to provide for the needs (and wants) of our family, my entire being realizes how truly rich I am. ♥

I am compelled to reflect on the words of Isaiah...

Yet, O LORD, you are our Father,
We are the clay, you are the potter;
We are all the work of your hand.

And of Jeremiah...

This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD: "Go down to the potter's house, and there I will give you my message." So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the LORD came to me: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the LORD. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel." (emphasis mine)

Sometimes...

We just need reshaped. ♥

This Is Why...

This past weekend a tragic car accident happened in our area involving the lives of seven young people. Three died as a result of the accident, three were injured (two of them seriously), one walked away. Some of families affected we know personally, some we don't. Heartbreaking... Soul-riveting... Mind-boggling... Reality check...

We know that many people look at the way we are raising MaKayla & Mallary and wonder why we don't lighten up a little. Why we don't relax & enjoy the ride. Why we protect them the way that we do. Why we establish the boundaries that are in place. Why we don't let out the rope of freedom a little more. Why we are adamant about nurturing them in the ways of the Lord. Why we use EVERY opportunity, situation & circumstance as a means to teach, train and instruct. "Can you not just relax a little?"

The events of this past weekend is why. Choices were made and irreversible consequences are now the reality. Consequences that affect so many people.

It burdens me beyond words at how lightly some view what has happened. Yes they are upset, grieving and hurt, but have they learned anything from it. It's not a situation to just talk about, "get through" and then keep doing the same thing that caused the circumstances to begin with.

This is why we don't relax!
This is why we don't take parenting lightly!
This is why we don't view life as a playground!
This is why we don't encourage our kids to gamble with life!
It's not about fun and games...

Life is not a merry-go-round...
When you feel like riding, you hop on and, hey, when you feel like doing your own thing, you jump off.
God calls us to a life of faithfulness...
EVERY DAY...
As individuals...
As parents...

We get one chance to raise & nurture children who love God and follow hard after His will and desire for their lives. It's not something that we can wait and start teaching them when they are 15, 16, 17 years of age. The process begins when they are born and is continued throughout each and every day in which they are entrusted into our hands, hearts and homes.

It's not something where we can just expect to take them to Sunday School & Church each week and expect to see fruitful results. Abundant fruit will abound when we teach them, train them and nurture them when we sit at home, when we walk along the road, when we lie down & when we rise up. It's an every day process.

It's not something that can be learned with the concept of, "Don't do as I do, but do as I say!" Kids who love God are a bi product of parents who live what they teach. Not just in some areas of life but in all areas of life.

I revisit the events of this weekend...
my heart is sad for those who have lost someone they love...
my heart is broken for those who are hurting and grieving...
my heart is angry for the unnecessary loss of life...

I refuse to "lighten up". It simply isn't going to happen.

This is why...

Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
Psalm 127.3

What I've Discovered...

Life has been incredibly busy and to be honest, the few weeks prior to this one I have somewhat lacked intentional motivation. You know where a little bit of innocent relaxed living evolves into complete complacency and laziness and the longer you allow it to continue the worse you feel about yourself and the more negative your attitude becomes. As it goes on without correction, the more areas of your life that join in and before you realize it the whole reality is that you have one gigantic snowball of unfocused, undisciplined, out-of-control living going on. You eventually become so sick of yourself that you cry out to God for help and direction because the emptiness you feel is so intense.

That's pretty much where I was a week ago this past Sunday, arriving in an arena where I felt so overcome by torment. Later in the evening as I opened my Bible to read before bed, I laid myself before the Lord seeking His counsel. He graciously yet specifically revealed to me the areas that I had lost complete focus of and had therefore ended up in complete confusion. As I drifted off to sleep that night, I pondered and prayed over the truths He had lovingly imparted on my heart.

That Monday morning I awoke refreshed and excited about putting to work what God had spoken. As I sat that morning pondering, the Lord clearly and distinctly revealed to me that as the keeper of this home, He has also entrusted me to be the "heart" of this home.

heart - innermost or central part of anything

I've always wrestled with the fact and reality that certain ones in our home tend to "follow" after me whether it be in my attitude, my actions, my motivation, my organization, my mood, my deliberate time with the Lord, my... It seems as though I am the one who inevitably establishes the pattern of life and living and until the Lord "met" with me that night, the whole idea of this frustrated me tremendously, yet during that intimate time with Him, He showed me that this is the way He intended it to be. When I chose to marry and bear children, unknowingly I was entrusted with the sole calling and responsibility of keeping the home and being the "heart" therein. That means that He holds me to the highest standard when it comes to nurturing, training and encouraging... And not just nurturing, training and encouraging in action but most importantly in heart... For if I do things with a "have to" or begrudging heart or if I become complacent and lazy and allow things to go uncared for, how can I anticipate anything different from anyone else? All too often I see myself as only a participant in this home rather than the "keeper" or the "heart" of the home. I've discovered through the correction and instruction of the Holy Spirit that God expects and desires so much more of me. That has been my goal these past few weeks.

*Being a better financial manager to make Kyle's income stretch...
*Putting the hearts of my family before the tasks of this home...
*Placing the tasks of this home ahead of what my flesh is crying out to do...
*Seeing to it that I set a good example in fulfilling my daily responsibilities...(laundry, meals, housework, decluttering...)
*Teaching, nurturing & training with LOVE as my primary focus...
*Correcting with patience and long-suffering...
*Stopping & fully listening when someone is desiring my attention...
*Being deliberate to be in God's Word on a daily basis...
*Looking for opportunities to encourage rather than to criticize...
*Putting into action avenues to keep my family healthy...
*Being aware of times when I can lighten Kyle's load...
*Beginning each day with a heart of joy & anticipation...

I've discovered more than ever that God has appointed Kyle as the head, leader, provider, protector and authority of this home. His job is great and on certain days no doubt the tasks before him seem overwhelming.

I've discovered that God has appointed me to be the heart of this home and as I live out that appointment and calling with joy and determination, it makes all the difference in the lives that live herein.

I've discovered that instead of becoming frustrated over the reality that others tend to follow my pattern of living, I will take delight in what I have been entrusted with. I will see it as a calling that I can daily improve upon. I will view it as an opportunity to enrich those that have been placed within my personal care. I will accept it as a gift of great value. I will treat it with utmost care. I will become a better steward of the "investment" that God has graciously extended to me.

I will do my best to live a life that is worthy of emulation...

I will do my best to live a life that enriches those around me...

I will do my best to live a life that God is glorified in...
I will do my best to live a life that makes much of Jesus...
In my attitude...
In my actions...
In my motivation...
In my dedication...

I've discovered that this is my life!
I've discovered that this life I love!


For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith --
and this not from yourselves,
it is the gift of God --
not by works, so that no one can boast.
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:8~10

One Thing In Particular...

There are so many things that I love about Mallary but one thing in particular that shines about her is her unique and confident independence.

For the most part, our family of four does EVERYTHING together and when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING! Kyle has always been the type of husband and father that pulls his people together and keeps his people together...his people, meaning us four. He has always had the philosophy that if one of us is doing something, all of us will do it together.

As babies, our girls co-slept with us. Neither of them were left in the nursery during worship nor did they attend Children's Church. They didn't do sleepovers. If they were involved in outside activities, for the most part, all of us went...even to the practices.

The only time we have really done things separate is when Kyle and I had to make long trips to Rochester during his battle with Ulcerative Colitis, when we were away during his surgeries or when the two of us get away for a few days a few times a year.

Despite how she has been raised and all the "togetherness" and dependence on one another, Mallary isn't afraid to "do her own thing". She's the one in the family who is expressive, diverse and independent. I love that one thing in particular about her.

She will grab her mp3 player and watch a movie not really giving a thought to what anyone else is doing. She will pick up the current book she is reading, climb under a blanket and read until her hearts content not worried that she's going to miss out on the activity going on around her. Out of the blue she will come to me and ask if she can play the Wii, being content to occupy herself. The other day she was in her room with the door closed and I could hear her talking. I placed my ear close to the door and discovered that she was reading to herself from the Bible out of the book of Ruth. Love, love, love...

Now I will insert here that thinking of others is something that we have really had to work hard on with Mal as sometimes she can get so absorbed in what she wants that she fails to look around her and think of others. It seems that most kids in life go through that stage and must be taught, instructed, nurtured and disciplined to meditate on and live out The Golden Rule...doing for others as you would want them to do unto you. To grasp that though we first have to think of others. She has come so far in this area...

I will also mention that in this quest of Mallary finding her individuality and us helping her to live out that God-created-designed uniqueness, we have had to show her how to form that individuality around the truths, commands and words of Christ...lining everything up with God's Word. Through this, Kyle and I have had to establish some strong and definite boundaries around those desires of individuality...like putting hot pink streaks in the hair...wearing two piece swimming suits...voicing her lack of yearning to work in the garden...snatching the last piece of pizza (yes, pizza is her FAVORITE) before asking if anyone else would like it...applying faux tattoos on her body...buying a $300.00 cell phone to add to the stash of ones she's already been given by family...overflowing the bathtub while she soaks...just to name a few.

It's been a stretching journey for the three of us but through it we have learned so much and we have discovered the beauty and richness of who Mallary is. There are numerous, countless attributes that I love about our girl but one thing in particular that I love is that she is confident in who she is and she has found joy in the way God has created her. Her likes. Her dislikes. Her interests. Her desires. Her individuality.

So the other day when it was fairly warm where we live, she asked if she could take a short break from school and go outside to get a breath of fresh air. Of course I encouraged her to do that very thing. I love the idea that she isn't afraid to be individual in those areas of life where God has made her unique. I love the idea that when she does those "alone" things that she is meeting with God herself. That she knows who she is as Mallary and not just an O'Riley. When I looked out the window to check on her this is what I saw:

My heart was warmed by this one thing in particular...
My girl is one precious individual...


For thou has possessed my reins:
thou has covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise thee;
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:
marvelous are thy works;
and that my soul knoweth right well.
My substance was not hid from thee,
when I was made in secret...

Psalm 139