Grateful for grace...
By the afternoon hours I found myself incredibly humbled & thankful for the gift & promise of grace. Grace that covers hurt & frustrations... Mistakes & unbridled passions. Grace that steps in & reminds this heart of mine Whose I am & who I am to be. Especially in the midst of smoldering embers that have become engulfed...
The past several days I have awakened sluggish & unable to mentally move. Not like in a depressed, despondent kind of way (I very well know what that feels like) but in a way where cylinders weren't firing & every thought was foggy. I tend to forget, due to a hysterectomy, that I have hormones which cycle ever so often & those unrecognized hormones coupled with exhaustion are a dangerous concoction. Yesterday I awoke lethargic just like I did Sunday & Monday but as the morning progressed, situations beyond my control sprinkled gas on some embers that had been smoldering since late last week (or for the past forty years of my life). Embers that I knew were present yet embers that were under control (or so I thought)... Until fuel kissed them. One instance after another in a short amount of time found those embers fully engulfed & before I knew it, what was once controlled, quickly grew out-of-control.
Trivial junk...all of it. But when suppressed smoldering embers are kissed with fuel, it's never a good situation.
The passions within my heart were already warmed & Satan knew exactly what buttons to push in order for those passions to go from warm to hot. And push my buttons, he did. Instance by instance I knew what was happening & did my best to keep things in check but it comes to a point where reasoning somewhere slips away... I was on the cliff of demise & found myself peeking over...placing my toes on the edge...considering the "what ifs" of jumping... I toyed but I didn't. At one point I was dangling one foot & then the Holy Spirit pricked my heart... I knew He was issuing a warning. That Still Small Voice... Not a scream yet a whisper. I listened.
Grace.
As the day continued to unfold, God kept reiterating, "It's none of your business. Mendi, it's none of your business. It concerns you not yet you are making it your concern. Let it go & let me be God. Disconnect yet don't become bitter. Separate yourself yet love. Temper yet remain soft."
How does one do that anyway?
Disconnecting without becoming bitter?
Separating while still exhibiting love?
Tempering while preserving a soft & moldable heart?
Grace.
And a will that surrenders itself to God's.
Laying down vengeance...
Turning over control...
Forfeiting entitlement.
As day gave way to evening, I found myself so ever thankful for grace. Thankful that the day I had just lived, would soon be over & that a fresh measure of mercy & compassion would meet me anew at the start of this Wednesday. Thankful that a whisper kept me from doing something that could have been unredeemable. Thankful that God is ever before me & beside me. Behind me & around me. Guiding. Leading. Encouraging. Counseling. Showing me the better way.
I woke this morning, thankful. And as I logged into fb, I saw a sweet sisterfriend's post that resonated within mine & I was reminded, "Mendi, some things are simply none of your business."
And then I received a text, "I feel really moody right now... I'm just impatient. Annoyed. With everyone and everything..."
How often is this me? A perpetual state of indifference.
Both the post & the text really made me do some self-evaluating... Made me stop & think... Compelled me to ask myself the question, "Would I recognize a perfect day if I was given one?" Or would I take on baggage that isn't mine & concern myself with business that had nothing to do with me? Would my marred nature find something to feast on & spoil the plenty?
Was yesterday intended to be one of those 'should have been' perfect days?
Could it have been?
Had I let it?
And purposed it?
There will always be coals in the deepest recesses of the heart yet God desires that those coals be kept cool & free from ignition. Tempered. Moderated. Kept under the protection of humility & discretion. Coals are reminders of how careful I must be & how dependent I must remain on Christ. They remind me that focus needs to ever be upon Him & the temptation of allowing the eyes of my heart to wander, must be continually realigned & redirected. They remind me that although I may have found healing & redemption in areas, the fiery darts of the enemy can come from seemingly nowhere in an attempt to pierce vital organs & if my spiritual armor isn't drawn & ready, I am vulnerable to injury.
Yesterday may have been a gross day for me yet it was a refining day. A day filled with moments that remind me that, although the passions within me may be intense, the power of Christ is greater even still. And that power, if I heed to it & surrender my heart to it, will rescue me from the highest cliff & the deepest cavern.
Yesterday may have been a gross day for me yet it was a refining day. A day filled with moments that remind me that, although the passions within me may be intense, the power of Christ is greater even still. And that power, if I heed to it & surrender my heart to it, will rescue me from the highest cliff & the deepest cavern.
A whisper.
Grace.
And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business,
and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you;
That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without,
and that ye may have lack of nothing.
~1 Thessalonians 4:11-12
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Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart,
be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.
~Psalm 19:14
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Thus saith the LORD of hosts;
Consider your ways.
~Haggai 1:7
