Grief Is Not Measurable...It Just Is.

A year ago today we said our final goodbyes & reluctantly placed the physical being of my precious Grandma in a cold, dark grave. She, herself had already ascended to Heaven with Jesus, but the tangible part of her that we touched & held & embraced was laid to rest. The part that held cards & did crosswords. The entity that loved liver & onions & delighted in any activity that included hearts, spades, diamonds & clubs. The portion that always greeted me warmly & never failed to kiss me on the cheek. This has been the hardest, most painful year of my life thus far & just when I think I’m “getting over it”, a face, a word, a song, a memory happens.

Adjusting to her absence. 

Accepting her goneness. 
Missing her friendship. 

Reminding myself daily that ‘129’ is no longer a “home” to me nor does it inhabit belongings of “her”. Her furniture. Her clothing. Her mirror, her tweezers, her comforting scent. As I have keenly reflected these past days & weeks of a year ago & the slow & arduous steps of Grandma’s final journey Home, I am reminded of the reality of grief. As I look around me & see people I care about letting go of people they love, I am reminded of the reality of grief. As I walk alongside of people who have had lives they would have given their own for, ripped from their hands, I am reminded of the reality of grief. Yes, through Christ we have hope & peace & joy yet grief is a very real element of life & when one loves deeply, one grieves deeply.

Jesus knew grief intimately. 

No matter the age.
No matter the situation.
No matter the circumstances.

Grief is grief. 

It’s a dagger to the heart & an ever-draining leak to the spirit. It’s a literal nagging anguish that perpetually empties a person of the fullness that once was. And as damaging & unfortunate as it is, many carelessly slip into the dark & cavernous pit of “measuring” grief.

In light of themselves.
In light of others.

Grief is not measurable.
It just is.

Grief is grief. 

Some look at others & say, “Move on.” Others look at some & think, “Why can’t I move forward?” I’m finding that the nature of the relationship between the one who has left & the one who is left often determines how grief is processed.

Missing... Regret...
Void... Guilt...
Longing... Shame...
Purpose... Lost chances.

Just one more day to either embrace or to mend. 

And that deep, cavernous pit of measuring does nothing more than sink the heart further into greater hurt & heavier sorrow. I’ve been on both sides of where the measuring line lands...on one side of the stick is a heart of insensitive pride & on the other is lonely, internal isolation. Either failing to choose to understand the grief of a heart that is anguishing or being misunderstood in the relentless pain that lingers on.

Both are crippling... 

One doesn’t have to understand the grief to have compassion on the heart grieving. 

The grieving heart only longs to be understood & embraced & assured. And one doesn’t know that it’s understood until another says, “I may not know but I understand... I may not know but I see... I may not know but I will walk with you & beside you... No matter the time. No matter the distance. I am all in, I understand & I am here.”

This season of life continues for me & as it continues, I continue to learn. It costs nothing to understand & to assure & to love in the midst of heartache & grief.

Regardless of the situation...anticipated or sudden.
Regardless of the circumstances...terminal illness or trauma or suicide.
Regardless of the age...two or eighteen...twenty-three or forty...seventy or ninety-five.

Grief is grief. 

And even when a heart rejoices at the life lived & the moments embraced & the memories cherished, the heart grieves. It recounts. It misses.

It longs for just one more day...

...which after that one day would want one more and then another & then another. One day would never be enough so we accept what is, we give thanks for what was & with the hope of Christ at our helm, we move forward investing in others what we desire others to invest in us...understanding.

As I have journeyed this path, the grace of Jesus & the presence of the Holy Spirit have carried me & taught me. They have assured me & strengthened me. On many days They have been my only hope & peace. Grandma was so much more to me than a visit when it was convenient or an appearance when I was summoned...
She was purpose & friendship.
She was accountability & companionship.
She was steady & she was comfort.

She was home. ♥

The joy of the Lord IS my strength yet joy often doesn’t equate “happiness”. Peace, yes. Happiness, no. Some days the longing is just inexplicable & the tears are relentless. And as I continue grieving in my missing, I resolve to extend understanding to others who are trekking the same path.

Regardless the situation.
Regardless the circumstances.
Regardless the age.

No matter the time.
No matter the distance.

And on inclement days like today (much like the day of her burial), Grandma would have been calling me up in an attempt to convince Kyle that it just wasn’t wise to travel home & to cozy in with her where it was safe & warm. ♥

Regardless...I Will Trust Him.

Life has a way of taking its toll & I would be the first to admit that I'm in what seems to be a lengthy toll-taking season of life. I'm not depressed but honestly, I'm not in a healthy state of mentality either. Kyle held me close this morning prior to his departure for work, prayed over me & assured me of his love & support...

It was what I needed. ♥

We talked when he arrived at his dwelling for the day before he entered that enormous, blue, metal building with a giant red 'K' on it...

"I don't know what has happened to me..."
"Life. Life & stress."
"Yeah...I know..."
"I know meds won't fix anything but maybe you need to get an appointment. Maybe something else is going on..."

Simple tasks that I've forgotten how to do...
Past moments that I can't recollect...
Thoughts that I can't pull together no matter how hard I try.

Inability to engage...
Responsibilities left undone...
Apathetic to the deepest part of my core.

We chatted for a few minutes.
I cried.
He assured my heart. ♥

I confided that I am somewhere, I'm just not sure where. I've arrived here, and I'm not sure how. I just know that where I'm at is unsettling to my spirit. I'm someplace between exhausted & apathetic. Lifeless. And I care, but at the same time, I don't. It's not even that I don't like how I feel, I'm just aware enough to know that I'm going through the motions of daily life all-the-while missing the essence & richness that are mine to be had. These days, weeks, months & years are precious...never to be had again & I'm in some cloudy fog aimlessly wandering around. As I told Kyle, I see why people minimize themselves to a four-walled room & hide away. I understand how they inch their way to such small, confined spaces. Isolation of the safest kind.

Quietness.
Comfort
Security.

I get it. I understand.

I've said for several weeks now, since the Home-going of Grandma, that disappearing looks appealing. Not in a self-harm sort of way but in the way of removing myself from the components that weather a heart & whittle the spirit away.

Stress.
Strife.
Dismissal of the most isolated kind.

And if I'm hiding internally, why not literally hide?

I'm pretty sure I've arrived here by constantly considering...
Considering elements.
Considering others.
Considering everything that surrounds me.

And in the end, I have no idea who I even am. Oh, I do in the spiritual sense... I know I am God's child & if He were all I had to consider, it might be easier. Sitting in my rocker this morning, I reflected on the life of Jesus...He lived to do the will of His Father & He didn't deviate from that will for He knew the will of His Father would be to the benefit of all mankind. Even if what God asked Him to do inflicted pain or sadness or sorrow or correction, He followed through knowing that fruit would emerge & God would get the harvest. The glory. Jesus was God in the flesh. He was incapable of making mistakes... Mishearing... Misunderstanding... He could be nothing short of perfection. I am man. Flesh. The Spirit lives within me yet I am capable & quite efficient of mistake-making... Mishearing... Misunderstanding. Sometimes it is a choice of the carnal will yet most often, those realities are a result of ignorance or uncertainty. Wanting to do the right thing but not 100% certain of what that is based on who it involves. His Word tells me I am to consider others better than myself & I am to take into account the thoughts, feelings & implications of those around me in the midst of making decisions, responding to life & living these days I have been given. I am a considerer to the nth degree.

To the point of not really knowing who I am...

As Kyle & I talked last night & again this morning, I've done this life this way for so long that I have no concept of making independent decisions with the exception of...
*I want short nails with no polish
*I want my hair as natural as possible
*I want clothing simple, comfy & functional
*I want to shop at Hy-Vee rather than Wal-Mart under any & all circumstances

Where we eat...I don't care.
What we do...I have no opinion.
Where we go...I'm along for the ride.
Just tell me what to do & I will comply.

Make it easy for me.

Please, just make it easy for me.

Since I became a parent nearly 24 years ago, this has been my state & candidly, with the exception of a handful of times, I've been perfectly perfect with it. It's who I became & who I am. But for one reason or another, the past two & a half months have altered me beyond what I ever would have imagined. The contents of the most recent 5, 961, 600 moments of my life have been laden with trial & emptiness & heartache & sadness & bitter gall. Loss of the most intense degree. Anguish of the most excruciating form. And I humbly admit, it's taking its toll on me. I don't deny that I'm not handling life well. At all. The Bible says that the heart is the wellspring of life...guard it. The King James Version puts it this way...

Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life. 

~Proverbs 4:23

The condition of our heart determines how we process the issues of life... My heart condition is of a broken & weak state therefore my processing of life's issues seems paralyzed. Literally. Even the smallest of things have the potential to send me to a quick death on a slippery mudslide plummet. Yesterday it was the lack of cohesion on repopulating our chicken colony... The day before it was lunch options, hair cut decisions, grocery selections...sewing grass seed on Grandma's final earthly dwelling & adorning her "place" with flowers that she just might see as beautiful. Just make a decision for me. I am incapable. Hold me close & dry my tears. I am empty. Understand where I'm at even though you can't & you don't. I am in a current place of destitution. Above all, please refrain from telling me I'm wrong for feeling the way I do or that I need mental/medical attention. I'm aware of my state. And I am also confident in the Counselor above all counselors... The Physician above all physicians... He knows where I'm at & step-by-step He promises to light my path & guide my way. I know this is just a season & seasons don't last forever...thankfully. ♥

In the rawest of forms, this season has simply surfaced the person Mendi is... And for some, that's a hard, chilling reality to look in the face & accept. People who deeply love me & genuinely admire this aspect of me...until it becomes the near death of me...literally. It's who I've been for 24 years, it's just that the past two-plus months have altered my ability to function & have magnified the already lack of independent reasoning within me as well as the abundance of consideration for others.

Can lack be magnified?

And what happens when abundance is administered the same?

Overtly, I have lived a life of awareness... Noticing other people's needs, wants & desires. And making it my purpose, aim & goal to see that those needs, wants & desires are met to the best of my capable ability... Regardless of what it costs me. In turn, I rarely have an opinion & most often, I don't care as long as those around me are nurtured. Nothing blesses my heart & fills me with joy more than the evidence of other's fulfillment. Sadly, meeting the needs, wants & desires of some these past days, weeks & months have conflicted with the wants, desires & expectations of others leaving the scales inexplicably out-of-balance. Fulfillment on one side... Dismissal on the other. The reality of it all is anguishing to my entire being but as I have said for quite some time, even before the onslaught of Grandma's earthly departure, 'It is what it is...and God is in the it'. True statement through & through which reassures my heart yet leaves a big portion of me sorrowful & empty. I guess that's a vast & wide difference between Jesus & me... His blessing, glory & joy came at the knowing that He had done exactly what God had instructed Him regardless of the response & attitude of who it affected. The fleshly return of His obedience. His focus was submitting to the Father rather than appeasing man. His aim & goal was to live in perfect harmony with the Spirit. His purpose was to fulfill the promise of Grace. Too often I am distracted by the awareness of man while for Jesus, man was secondary to God yet God's primary purpose is that His will be accomplished in all creation.

It is what it is...and God is in the it.

Although I've been this way for decades, I'm pretty sure my concept of all of this was ramped up to heightened levels at almost this exact time three years ago. Courtship... Engagement... Wedding. The impossible aspiration of fostering peace while keeping everyone happy. Yeah... I killed myself trying & in the end, came up empty anyway. But hey, I tried...right? That counts for something doesn't it? It's who I am & God knows that for He crafted my heart to beat to such a rhythm yet as of late, He's trying to refine in me how to be okay when things are far from okay... How to walk in peace when the battle still wages on & no white flags have been waved... How to function at full-capacity when everything that is within me is equivalent to nothingness... How to dwell in joy when my heart is broken & worn... How to rest when there's work that seems to need done... How to exhibit patience when my spirit & my flesh want to forge ahead... How to trust Him in the broken...regardless of how long it may remain in such a state.

Even as vulnerable as it makes me, I am thankful for who He created me to be & the heart He placed within this temple in which He dwells. I may presently be lacking, empty & non-functioning but I know He is walking with me & regardless of how long this season may last or the condition of life when I emerge, I will trust Him. He is God & He is good.