Humbling...

I won't lie... I'm in a deep state of humility & "neediness" so be aware before reading any further...it could get a bit uncomfortable.

It's amazing how new seasons of life can be filled with an immeasurable amount of joy & happiness & excitement yet at the same time be littered with pain & heartache. I liken it to an awakening flower bed or an inhabited field in the spring... As the days grow longer, the weather warms & adequate moisture falls, life springs up... Grass greens. Plants emerge. Livestock births. Trees leaf. Weeds grow. And although it seems as a simple, easy happening, one knows that it all comes with a process. A struggle to break through the ground... An effort to labor life into existence.

Spiritual/emotional awakening/growth requires much the same process yet more times than not we fail to see it as such. We have this idealistic mentality that change should be easy & transition should just be natural... Or worse yet, we resist change & we oppose transition... We want the rich blessings & provision that God desires to extend yet we want things to remain as they always have. We want the goodness but not the process. We want the beauty that change brings without having to be surrendered to the refining. 

And as Christ-followers, we should always desire change...growth...awakening...

It's how we become more like Jesus, himself.

Life has been full of changes & transitions... It's been littered with adjustments. The beauty within the beautiful has been breathtaking & magnificent yet it has also been laden with growing pains & frustration. It is amazing one minute & difficult the next. Exhilarating & then empty. Joyous with sadness on it's heels. Wonderful followed by disappointing. Isn't this the essence of what we entitle living? And isn't it only right & fair that we take the bad with the good...

He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman.

Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"

In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.

~Job 2:10

But with what attitude do we take the bad?
Or is it even accurate to label it bad?
Is it actually bad or is God allowing the difficult & the frustration & the emptiness & the sadness & the disappointing to grow us & change us...

To be more like Him?

Typically we just revel in the negative rather than redirecting our focus...
Or at least I do.

Instead of taking those things that many times accompany change & allowing them to redirect our focus on the One who allowed them... The One who can soften them... The One who can help us to see the beauty in them...

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider:

God has made the one as well as the other.

Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.

~Ecclesiastes 7:14

We get stuck in the yuck...
And we never emerge or grow or breathe new life...
We withstand our "color" from brightening or radiating...
We stifle.

Guess who wins?
Satan... The enemy... Our adversary...
For we have silenced & squelched the work of God in our lives.

Yesterday I found myself in a pit of sludge...
Sinking sand...
A mud slide that was encapturing & all-consuming.

My morning was going fine & then one thing after another found the boxes of frustration/offense that I have nestled deep within my heart being ticked. And as the boxes were being ticked, my countenance changed. My attitude grew stagnant. My demeanor was unbecoming. Were the things I sensed discernment regarding, accurate? Most likely since they have since been confirmed many times over...but so what? Just because of what the Holy Spirit was speaking to me & allowing me to see, why did I allow that to turn me from gentle to rigid... Open to shut-off... Communicative to quiet... Embracing to distant... Why?

It was a rough afternoon & the more I thought, the deeper I went. The more I processed, the more drained I was. The more I analyzed, the more I felt justified.

Sadly, as humbling as it is to admit, this pattern has become a lifestyle...
A habit...
A familiar happening.

And then God...

In the beauty & gentleness of His love He spoke ever so softly to my heart. He convicted me & reminded me to take responsible ownership of what was mine to possess. He compelled me to subtract everything & everyone from the seemed complicated equations of the morning & simply look at my heart & my soul.

Humbling.

We were on bully-duty & as soon as we arrived home from our last trip I grabbed my Bible & headed for a hot bath. I read & prayed. I sought & cried. I recounted & acknowledged. And then while Mal bathed, Kyle & I grabbed a cup of coffee & sat at the table with our Bibles open, our journals before us, our pens in hand & our hearts raw & bare. We documented thoughts/feelings & talked through the content of our inner most beings. We challenged & we sharpened. We committed to bind together as a team in pursuit of healing & victory. ♥

The seeking & recounting & praying revealed a multitude of wickedness in my heart that keeps me reeling & groping in this journey of life. It keeps me from finding freedom & genuine, complete healing. It keeps me repeating the same patterns over & over & over, again. It keeps me in a constant state of damage...to myself & others.

I don't love well...
I have an intense quest for control...
I am an all or nothing person...
My heart is littered with insecurities...
I am transparent to the extreme...
I am conditional...
I often feel "threatened"...
I am emotionally driven...
I am easily frustrated/offended...
I don't handle competition in a healthy manner...

It's like a soul-eating, heart-hardening cancer.

I'm a mess...

And for the first time ever...I'm done.

I'm done repeating & damaging & groping & reeling...

I want freedom.
I desire healing.
I long to be regenerated.

Does the process of change seem big? Um, yeah.
Does the uncertainty of transformation seem overwhelming? For sure.
Does the pain of growth seem painful? A bit.
It's more than my heart/soul/spirit can grasp yet God sees the process that needs to take place in order to get me where He wants me. It's a spiritual surgery of sort... It's a heart transplant of it's own kind... It's an emotional overhaul to the most extreme degree...

And it's necessary...
In order to establish stability.

The opening of the wound has taken place & I know what certain aspects of the cutting away, the suturing closed & healing process "look like", much like literal surgery itself, yet much of it is unknown for I am treading on uncharted waters. I've always just harbored the resentment & fed the bitterness & fostered the frustration & entertained the offense & nursed the insecurity & pushed the control & given way to the emotions & manipulated the competition. I've never acknowledged the problem as my own & allowed God to remove the "diseased" places.

Yet for such a time as this...

It's a spiritual surgery of sort... 

It's a heart transplant of it's own kind... 

It's an emotional overhaul to the most extreme degree...

I am weak...He is my strength.
I am empty...He is my nourishment.
I am destitute...He is my keeper.
I am lost...He is my direction.
I am seeking...He is my guide.

Humbling.

I am fully surrendered to the One who can make the wrong things right...
And the old man new.

I am thankful for grace & I covet your prayers.

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; 

and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.

Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy?

Listen, listen to Me, and eat what is good, 

and your soul will find delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to Me; hear Me, that your soul may live. 

I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David.

See, I have made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander of the peoples.

Surely you will summon nations you know not, 

and nations that do not know you will hasten to you,

because of the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, 

for He has endowed you with splendor."

Seek the LORD while He may be found; 

call on Him while He is near.

Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts.

Let him turn to the LORD, and He will have mercy on him, and to our God, 

for He will freely pardon.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," 

declares the LORD.

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways,

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, 

and do not return to it without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish, 

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty, 

but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the fields will clap their hands.

Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, 

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."

For He's A Carrier...

The past week has been full of regaining normalcy & transitioning back into "typical life"...

Ten weeks ago Sunday evening Kyle began not feeling "well". Not terrible, just not well. The gut cramping he was experiencing wasn't anything completely unusual as it occurred on occasion (due to suspected blockages) so we dismissed the discomfort he was noticing. He was up & down throughout the night dealing with the annoyance & by early morning I encouraged him to call in to work saying he would be late due to lack of sleep. He made his way to the basement to contact his General Foreman & after a few minutes as concerned as I was, I went down to check on him. As I rounded the corner at the top of the stairs, I saw his crumpled body on the floor... Drenched to the point that I had no idea where he had found water or how he had gotten so wet. I chastised him for not hollering for me when I realized that his pain was so severe that he couldn't move or talk, only to signal that he was about to get sick. Mind you, in the 26 years we have been together, I think I have only known Kyle to throw up maybe, MAYBE five times at the most so I knew the situation was crucial. Literally, I wasn't convinced that he wasn't going to die right there before my eyes... MaKayla was up, heard the commotion & came running to help her dad as I called Troy seeking advice of where would be the best place to take him, knowing time was of the essence if indeed it was a blockage.

(I know it sounds crazy to some but I've always contemplated where I would take Kyle should he need medical attention in correlation to his ileal pouch. I'm not borrowing trouble yet reality is reality & in the case he would need emergent care, I wanted to have an idea...)

His situation is different than most & in no way will I just let anyone "mess around" with such "expertise artwork" that Dr. Page created seven years ago this last Friday. No way.

Troy gave me his advice... 

I called... 

I prayed... 

I watched... 

I prayed... 

I waited... 

I prayed.

MaKayla & I got him up off of the floor & maneuvered him back upstairs to the couch where he assured me he was some better. I wasn't convinced.

I talked to this doctor & then to another. 

I waited. 

I prayed.

Again, Kyle said he was better & was certain that he had passed whatever it was that was causing the issue.

I wasn't convinced.

His GI doctor finally called & said to bring him to St. Joe for x-rays & bloodwork, so we loaded up & made the trek stopping several times along the way due to how sick he was. We arrived... 

Bloodwork...check.

X-Rays...snag.

The radiology tech that was working with him took a few films & then asked him to come to the "viewing room"... "Mr. O'Riley, have you swallowed something within the past few days..." 

"Um, no..."

"Tell me everything you have eaten..."

"Do you see this..."

"We need more films...and then I want you to go straight to the doctor's office."

Once I knew there was something "present", I looked at Kyle & said, "We're obviously going to be looking at surgery...and we need to have a plan as to where we feel most assured/confident given your body..."

We talked & discussed in the ten minute drive to Dr. McCormick's office...

He came in, chuckled a bit, sat down in his rolly chair... "How long ago did you have the endoscopic capsule study... Yes, it needs removed... Minor surgery... A general surgeon can do that here... Four week recovery..."

Nope. 

Not comfortable.
We would head elsewhere.

Dr. McCormick said that his nurse would be in touch with Dr. Page to get something set up but it would probably be a good idea for us to get in touch with him as well. As soon as we were out to the car, I called Dr. Page's office & within a short amount of time his nurse returned my call. I explained the situation... She asked questions... And then said that Dr. Page wanted to visit with me himself.

We chatted.

He agreed that he didn't want anyone else touching Kyle.

Surgery was scheduled.

Pack your bags...

Only clear liquids...

He would meet us at the hospital mid-morning the next day.

He had talked to no other doctors...

He had seen no films...

He had no evidence that what I was saying was true.

Yet he trusted me...

Favor. 

God's divine favor.

Lots to process on that hour and a half drive home yet I purposed to trust.

I purposed to swallow my own fears & emotions & uncertainty in order to be strength to Kyle & MaKayla & Mal.

I purposed to allow Christ to be strength & sufficiency in my personal weakness.

I purposed.

We arrived home...

Shared the situation at hand with the girls...

Attempted to keep the evening as normal & chill as possible.

As Tuesday arrived, I began gathering clothes for me, pj's and comfy things for Kyle.

I lined out the girls.

Prepared as best I could.

Surely clothes for five days would be more than enough.

I wasn't taking any more than that.

We would be home by then.

MaKayla rode with me to fill the truck with fuel before we headed out and she said, "How are you?" I gently explained that at this point & in situations as such, it simply didn't matter how I was, nor was it going to do anyone any amount of good for me to think on how I was feeling..." 

Survival mode, I was in survival mode. 

Onward. 

Upward. 

One foot in front of the other...

Trusting God every step of the way.

Needless to say that just a few days before, Mal was getting her driver's permit & we snagged a quick lunch with Kyle in the parking lot of his place of employment...

Life ebbs...

And flows...

And changes instantly.

Kyle & I made the trek, got checked in, found our room & waited... 

Gown on...

IV in place.

Resident doctor visited with us...

Skin check completed...

Declared NPO.

X-Rays ordered...

X-Rays completed...

Yep, the culprit was still there.

Dr. Page made a visit & said everything was set for the next morning & that it would be a quick & easy recovery of the "gem" that had been flitting & floating & getting anchored for the past FOUR years... Yes, I said four. But instead of the 2-3 day hospital stay we had anticipated...plan on 5-8... I disregarded that last piece of information convincing myself & trusting God that Kyle would amaze the doctors & bounce back in miracle-size fashion. I was certain we would be home by Super Bowl Sunday...an event we were so looking forward to with MaKayla & Mal. Little did I know...

Little did I know...

Wednesday dawned & they came for Kyle ahead of schedule.

Miraculous.

I walked beside as they wheeled him to surgery & then together, we waited...

And prayed...

And cried.

Nurse checks...done.

Anesthesiologist visit...finished.

Lovely blue hat...in place.

The "see you later"... ♥

My heart wrenched...

I found myself to the surgery waiting room with the assurance from Dr. Page that this one that I love more than life would be in & out in less than thirty minutes & with strict instructions...I located the Starbucks tucked in the rear. Those who knew of the situation & know me well, knew that once food for Kyle was restricted, I would restrict myself as well. I was instructed to get something...

The waiting area of Methodist is so cozy with couches & chairs & a fireplace right in the middle. I searched until I spotted a little corner of quietness where I could hide away with my Latte' & muffin. A place where I could still my heart & pray & wait. I had been given a pager that was to go off as soon as Kyle was done which would signal me to go to the nearest consultation room. There, I would meet with Dr. Page...

Thirty minutes...eager.

Forty-five...a bit concerned.

An hour...knots in my stomach.

I made my way to the consult room where Dr. Page shared with me that the procedure was much more extensive than he had originally anticipated. The lingering capsule was located & removed but Kyle's small bowel had been overtaken with adhesions & a stricture was located at the surgical site of his 2008 colectomy thus the reason the capsule had never passed. The place of his original colostomy was nearly the circumference of a half dollar but had narrowed to nearly the diameter of a pencil eraser... This was discovered by the surgical staff literally feeling their way down the length of the entire small bowel...cutting adhesions as they went & reopening the restricted area. An NG tube was typically protocol in such situations but Kyle had already had words with Dr. Page regarding the reality that the catheter was to BE GONE before he woke up... He said, "It was a toss up. I knew he was going to kill me for leaving the foley in & I knew if he woke up with it and an NG, it wasn't going to be pretty. I left the catheter in & am taking a chance with leaving the NG out. If he has any nausea, in it goes." The tears began to well up... And as a result of all the unexpected "extras", the hospital stay would be the longer part of what he had told me in the beginning...no less than five days & more than likely the full eight. Ugh... 

My heart sank.

To my gut.

I was sick.

I found my way back to the waiting area where people's whispers seemed as clanging symbols so I wandered around & finally nestled into a little area where an older lady sat alone knitting & reading. I needed quiet. And a comforting presence. 

I couldn't pray... 

I couldn't concentrate... 

I could only cry.

This sweet spirit glanced at me & then back to what she was doing & back at me again. I knew she wanted to speak but chose to remain quiet. I dug out my journal & a pen & my Bible. I poured out my heart, my fears, my uncertainty to God while the tears continued to fall... I hurt for Kyle... I was sad for the girls (choosing to be courageous & stay around home in our absence in order for things to be cared for)... And I wondered how in the world we would tackle all that was in front of us... As I was finally pulling myself together, Dad showed up...and then I lost it again. Just seeing his face... Feeling his embrace... The reality of His presence.

They came to let me know that they were taking Kyle back to our room so I should begin making my way there as well. Dad & I snagged an elevator & arrived just a few minutes before the "carriage" of the one I love. We waited outside N669 until he was carefully situated & nicely tucked in bed. As Kyle rested & attempted to awaken from the anesthetic that sedated his body, Dad & I visited, shared & caught up on life. We talked about all that God was doing in our lives & the work He is in the process of accomplishing. Sweet moments with my pops. ♥

As Kyle began to awaken, he took walks...

Gave the spirometer the attention it demanded...

And put in a much needed/wanted call to his bestie, Thomas.

The days that followed were surreal...

Unexpected...

Difficult...

I remember looking at the January calendar when we were first admitted to our room thinking, there is no way we will see the February calendar placed on that wall... We will be out of here before then.

Little did I know...

A good day here...

A bad day there.

Yet in it all & through it all, God's presence was so close, peace was never beyond my reach.

MaKayla & Mal stayed at home, did some fun things together & spent time with my family. I was still in high hopes that our hospital stay would be shorter than the doctors anticipated as Kyle was up & moving...walking...active...but round after round...morning & afternoon...they challenged us to be patient...to wait. Due to the extensive way in which they had manipulated Kyle's bowel, patience & endurance were pertinent & nothing we did was going to hurry the process along. His gut was temporarily "paralyzed"...in it's own way & time, it would reawaken. Day after day, nothing by mouth...and when I say nothing, I mean nothing. This concept was hard for some to understand however what goes down, must come out...somewhere. And if the bowel was sleeping to the point that it couldn't process the contents moving downward, it would only have one direction of coming out...up. And if it came up, we were facing the placement of the bedreaded NG tube. A reality we would avoid at any & all cost.

We were patient.

Television...

Yahtzee...

Phase 10.

Walks...

Naps...

Worship music.

Marci text me several times each day as well as came & visited twice which was refreshing to our spirits. Once, a day or two after surgery, and then again on my birthday. She brought me healthy snacks knowing I wouldn't leave Kyle to eat. Just having her close was such a tremendous gift but the knowing that she was thinking of my well-being meant more than words could ever express. ♥

The days continued to pass & my clean underwear supply quickly dwindled. It was obvious that our "going home by Sunday goal" wasn't going to come even close to happening & in my discouragement Marci would constantly remind me, "Take one day at a time... Face each day as it comes." Once I took hold of her encouragement & accountability, I was able to let all expectations go. I decorated our room & had music playing most all the time. We enjoyed nurses popping in just to see if we needed anything...some of which we grew to love & appreciate beyond explanation.

They were our family away from family...

Mal received her "official" permit in the mail... ♥

Bri sent us pictures of she & Chris & Oakley... ♥

We watched Lifeflight go in & out...

And construction on the hospital...

We found traces of Tuck... ♥

February arrived...

We strongly contemplated the girls coming to see us however we all knew that when it came time to part ways & facing the moment of "saying good-bye", it wouldn't be productive or fruitful for the oldest in the family & the youngest in the family. :) Us two middlers, would be fine but the others, not so much... We facetimed & talked & text. We exchanged pictures. With God's help, we made it work. ♥

Super Bowl Sunday came & went & with it a severe snow storm... 

Marci had planned a visit...

But travel was impossible.

And then my birthday arrived.

And so did my sister. ♥

With Jordan, Tuck & sweet surprises in tow. ♥

And on top of all that, Kyle arranged for one of our most fav nurses to get me flowers of which when delivered, I was serenaded...♥

Never have I been so surprised. ♥

Little did I know...

Picture-perfect birthday...
Besides Kyle being in the hospital...
And minus MaKayla & Mal.

Yet God was so good & took the "lacking" & made it abundant.

Dr. Ongstad told both Kyle & myself that once he reached a certain point & turned the imminent/desirable curve, things would move quickly & we would be dismissed in no time as long as no concerns surfaced. By the morning after my birthday, we got the green light to stop the IV fluids & start clear liquids. Hallelujah!

He tolerated those well so we advanced to full-liquid...

And with the "unhookage" of the IV tubing, Kyle ditched the gown & donned his 'Team Aydan' shirt. :)

Finally permission for a normal diet...

Pizza was his goal... :)

I started packing bags & making preparations for the journey home. Again, just as with Kyle returning to work, saying good-bye to those we had grown to love & see as family, was...bittersweet.
For us...
And them.

Thursday morning arrived.
Bags packed...
Dismissal paperwork complete...
IV removed...
Tearful hugs given.

We made our last trek down N6...
Bittersweet.

As I walked that hall for the final time I couldn't do much more than thank God for His indescribable provision & protection & goodness to us.

For grace...
And peace...
And the sweetness of His presence.

For intelligent minds...
Compassionate hearts...
And skilled hands.

For doctors who truly cared...
For and about the one I love most... ♥
And who took time.

To listen...
To assess...
To administer.

Due to much prayer it was an uneventful, pleasant ride home...just us two.

To be back in our place of dwelling...
Wonderful.

To reside once again with MaKayla & Mal...
Amazing.

To have Charlie return to Kyle's lap...
Comforting.

To rest on your own couch...
With no beeping...
Or interruptions...
Perfect.

To have family near...
Thankful.

As I look back, I stand in awe. I stand in awe of the Master & the Creator. The Living Sacrifice. I stand in awe that One so sovereign & powerful & amazing & mighty cares about...me. Us. Kyle. MaKayla & Mal. That He has known since the moment He breathed life into existence that we would walk this road... And we would find ourselves where we are. It's a reminder to me that I never, ever, ever have justification to worry or doubt.

For He's a carrier...

He carries whatever load or burden we are bearing & He has provision already in store. And in the midst of that load or burden...He carries us.

Simply, He asks us to trust...

This season has been a faith-builder & a love-grower & a trust-strengthener. It has been a season of drawing us closer to Him. It's been a season where He has shown Himself to us in ways we otherwise would not know Him as. And on top of that...we see reasons that this...

was unknowingly neglected & lost for the past four years...

Resulting in an incision as such...

For such a time as this.

We see.

Little did I know...

Yet I know.