Humbling...

I won't lie... I'm in a deep state of humility & "neediness" so be aware before reading any further...it could get a bit uncomfortable.

It's amazing how new seasons of life can be filled with an immeasurable amount of joy & happiness & excitement yet at the same time be littered with pain & heartache. I liken it to an awakening flower bed or an inhabited field in the spring... As the days grow longer, the weather warms & adequate moisture falls, life springs up... Grass greens. Plants emerge. Livestock births. Trees leaf. Weeds grow. And although it seems as a simple, easy happening, one knows that it all comes with a process. A struggle to break through the ground... An effort to labor life into existence.

Spiritual/emotional awakening/growth requires much the same process yet more times than not we fail to see it as such. We have this idealistic mentality that change should be easy & transition should just be natural... Or worse yet, we resist change & we oppose transition... We want the rich blessings & provision that God desires to extend yet we want things to remain as they always have. We want the goodness but not the process. We want the beauty that change brings without having to be surrendered to the refining. 

And as Christ-followers, we should always desire change...growth...awakening...

It's how we become more like Jesus, himself.

Life has been full of changes & transitions... It's been littered with adjustments. The beauty within the beautiful has been breathtaking & magnificent yet it has also been laden with growing pains & frustration. It is amazing one minute & difficult the next. Exhilarating & then empty. Joyous with sadness on it's heels. Wonderful followed by disappointing. Isn't this the essence of what we entitle living? And isn't it only right & fair that we take the bad with the good...

He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman.

Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"

In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.

~Job 2:10

But with what attitude do we take the bad?
Or is it even accurate to label it bad?
Is it actually bad or is God allowing the difficult & the frustration & the emptiness & the sadness & the disappointing to grow us & change us...

To be more like Him?

Typically we just revel in the negative rather than redirecting our focus...
Or at least I do.

Instead of taking those things that many times accompany change & allowing them to redirect our focus on the One who allowed them... The One who can soften them... The One who can help us to see the beauty in them...

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider:

God has made the one as well as the other.

Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.

~Ecclesiastes 7:14

We get stuck in the yuck...
And we never emerge or grow or breathe new life...
We withstand our "color" from brightening or radiating...
We stifle.

Guess who wins?
Satan... The enemy... Our adversary...
For we have silenced & squelched the work of God in our lives.

Yesterday I found myself in a pit of sludge...
Sinking sand...
A mud slide that was encapturing & all-consuming.

My morning was going fine & then one thing after another found the boxes of frustration/offense that I have nestled deep within my heart being ticked. And as the boxes were being ticked, my countenance changed. My attitude grew stagnant. My demeanor was unbecoming. Were the things I sensed discernment regarding, accurate? Most likely since they have since been confirmed many times over...but so what? Just because of what the Holy Spirit was speaking to me & allowing me to see, why did I allow that to turn me from gentle to rigid... Open to shut-off... Communicative to quiet... Embracing to distant... Why?

It was a rough afternoon & the more I thought, the deeper I went. The more I processed, the more drained I was. The more I analyzed, the more I felt justified.

Sadly, as humbling as it is to admit, this pattern has become a lifestyle...
A habit...
A familiar happening.

And then God...

In the beauty & gentleness of His love He spoke ever so softly to my heart. He convicted me & reminded me to take responsible ownership of what was mine to possess. He compelled me to subtract everything & everyone from the seemed complicated equations of the morning & simply look at my heart & my soul.

Humbling.

We were on bully-duty & as soon as we arrived home from our last trip I grabbed my Bible & headed for a hot bath. I read & prayed. I sought & cried. I recounted & acknowledged. And then while Mal bathed, Kyle & I grabbed a cup of coffee & sat at the table with our Bibles open, our journals before us, our pens in hand & our hearts raw & bare. We documented thoughts/feelings & talked through the content of our inner most beings. We challenged & we sharpened. We committed to bind together as a team in pursuit of healing & victory. ♥

The seeking & recounting & praying revealed a multitude of wickedness in my heart that keeps me reeling & groping in this journey of life. It keeps me from finding freedom & genuine, complete healing. It keeps me repeating the same patterns over & over & over, again. It keeps me in a constant state of damage...to myself & others.

I don't love well...
I have an intense quest for control...
I am an all or nothing person...
My heart is littered with insecurities...
I am transparent to the extreme...
I am conditional...
I often feel "threatened"...
I am emotionally driven...
I am easily frustrated/offended...
I don't handle competition in a healthy manner...

It's like a soul-eating, heart-hardening cancer.

I'm a mess...

And for the first time ever...I'm done.

I'm done repeating & damaging & groping & reeling...

I want freedom.
I desire healing.
I long to be regenerated.

Does the process of change seem big? Um, yeah.
Does the uncertainty of transformation seem overwhelming? For sure.
Does the pain of growth seem painful? A bit.
It's more than my heart/soul/spirit can grasp yet God sees the process that needs to take place in order to get me where He wants me. It's a spiritual surgery of sort... It's a heart transplant of it's own kind... It's an emotional overhaul to the most extreme degree...

And it's necessary...
In order to establish stability.

The opening of the wound has taken place & I know what certain aspects of the cutting away, the suturing closed & healing process "look like", much like literal surgery itself, yet much of it is unknown for I am treading on uncharted waters. I've always just harbored the resentment & fed the bitterness & fostered the frustration & entertained the offense & nursed the insecurity & pushed the control & given way to the emotions & manipulated the competition. I've never acknowledged the problem as my own & allowed God to remove the "diseased" places.

Yet for such a time as this...

It's a spiritual surgery of sort... 

It's a heart transplant of it's own kind... 

It's an emotional overhaul to the most extreme degree...

I am weak...He is my strength.
I am empty...He is my nourishment.
I am destitute...He is my keeper.
I am lost...He is my direction.
I am seeking...He is my guide.

Humbling.

I am fully surrendered to the One who can make the wrong things right...
And the old man new.

I am thankful for grace & I covet your prayers.

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; 

and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.

Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy?

Listen, listen to Me, and eat what is good, 

and your soul will find delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to Me; hear Me, that your soul may live. 

I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David.

See, I have made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander of the peoples.

Surely you will summon nations you know not, 

and nations that do not know you will hasten to you,

because of the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, 

for He has endowed you with splendor."

Seek the LORD while He may be found; 

call on Him while He is near.

Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts.

Let him turn to the LORD, and He will have mercy on him, and to our God, 

for He will freely pardon.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," 

declares the LORD.

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways,

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, 

and do not return to it without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish, 

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty, 

but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the fields will clap their hands.

Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, 

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."