Only One...

As I sit in the lingering darkness of a day preparing to break, my heart is prayerful...

Grief...

The reality of grief rests there on the pliable places of my heart.

Not for myself specifically...
Yet I have known it.

But for those whose grief is fresh...
And for those who are remembering...

They say that time heals, and it does, but the depth of pain lingers...
The depth of loss...
The depth of emptiness...

Loss hurts.

And no matter what one does & no matter how much one prepares...
The sting of death rivets us to the core.
And changes our lives for the remainder of our time here on earth.

Yet I always remind myself that in the reality of death...
There is hope in Life.

In the reality of loss...
There is hope in gaining something new.

In the reality of brokenness...
There is hope in the Healer.

In the reality of heartache...
There is hope in taking the hand of another hurting heart...
And saying, "Can I walk with you?"

I've heard a precious niece of mine say, "I hate when people slather you with hugs and thoughts and prayers and flowers and visits and... Those same people that are there in the height of the pain and grief... They forget... They move on... They fail to remember..."

And she's right.

Thankfully, there's One who doesn't.

As I walked around the perimeter of mine & Kyle's bed this morning...
Tightening the sheets...
Arranging the pillows...
Straightening the quilt..
Folding the blanket that rests at the foot...

Praying for ones whose pain is inexplicably deep...
And others who are remembering tragic events of years past...
I interceded.

In my finite mind...
In my human understanding...
In my being one person...

I can't relate to where they are...
Or what they are thinking...
Or how they are feeling...
Or the avenues they are looking to for healing...
No one can.

But One.

Only One knows the specifics...
The specific event...
The specific situation...
The specific hurt...
The specific pain...

Only One.

And for that, I am thankful.

I can't heal their wounds.
I can't remove the grief.
I can't fix what is broken.
I have no magic words.

But God in His sovereignty sees it all...

Every.

Last.

Detail.

And I am thankful.

I can walk beside them.
I can make mental notes to remember.
I can hold them when they seek my embrace.

Yet, only One is the Mender of the broken.

♥So as I think back to a best friend who stood at the bedside of her mom...watching...waiting...
♥And a sister & niece who counted the breaths of a father-in-law/grandpa & watched them diminish...
♥And that same family hold a mom/grandma as she departed this life...
♥And a couple we love more than life deliver a lifeless, breathless, perfect infant into this world...
♥And a wife whisper last words into the ear of her soul-mate...

In physical form, we were there...
But our understanding pales in the face of their pain.
A pain that still lingers within the depths of their being.

And as I think of ones trying to find footing in what seems like sinking sand...
Their situation unique to all others...

And as my mind rests on a family remembering the events of this day some years ago...
Recalling events second-by-second...minute-by-minute...hour-by-hour...

And as I consider a son preparing...for the "letting go"...
Knowing it's time, yet not ready for "good-bye"...

God reminds me that only He...

Only He, in His sovereignty, can see their hearts...
Feel their grief...
Understand their gut-wrenching pangs...

Only He knows the reality of their loss...

He's the only One who was there prior to...
In the midst of...
For the remainder...

And I pray...

God is our refuge and strength,

A very present help in trouble.

~Psalm 46:1~

She. Is. Mine...

She is...

♥ wonderful

♥ beautiful

♥ caring

♥ thoughtful

♥ grace-giving

♥ loving

♥ confident

♥ courageous

♥ a servant by nature

♥ a lover of learning

♥ a perfectionist

♥ an organizer, through and through

♥ assertive

♥ content

♥ simple

She loves...

♥ pie

♥ 90 degree angles

♥ order

♥ Hershey's dark chocolate

♥ fru-frued coffee

♥ road trips

♥ her "sisther"

♥ shopping

♥ strawberries

♥ anything vintage

♥ fashion & style

♥ musicals

♥ jammies

♥ to be with people

♥ Snoozie house slippers

♥ adventure

♥ to clean

♥ to create

♥ the smell of the mall

♥ her "ocean"

♥ pearls

♥ hard work

She hates highly dislikes:

♥ snakes

♥ drama

♥ nursing homes

♥ funeral homes

♥ sweating

♥ defiant children

She. Is. Mine.

It's still hard for my mind to fathom that our first-born...

♥ the one who was the guinea pig

♥ the one who received the brash side of this momma

until Jesus fully got a hold of me

♥ the one who played alone a great deal of time

♥ the one who was expected to be a perfectionist

until I realized that it's all about the heart, not about the performance

♥ the one who had big independent, no husband/family aspirations in life

until Jesus fully got a hold of her

♥ the one who surrendered great accomplishments & worldly accolades

because she knew those accomplishments/accolades, although adrenaline rushing

were building her pride & destroying her spirit 

♥ the one who has always known what is like to live as the "outsider"

♥ the "square"

♥ the "freak"

♥ the one who is choosing to live the Jesus life rather than the familiar life

not because she is more righteous or holy or better

or insecure or scared or attached to her momma

but because she desires His will & His best for her individual life

♥ the one who daily teaches me the essence of grace

♥ the essence of a servant's heart

♥ the essence of love

...has turned 19.

I've made so many mistakes in raising this one I love beyond words, yet God's grace trickles down through her spirit & transfers over to me. She has every reason to hate me, defy me, rebel against me & long to run a million miles away...yet she loves me & her grace is abundant to me. ♥ For that, I am thankful. ♥ I know life could be very different...for her...for me...for our family. She could choose to do her own thing, her own way yet she humbly surrenders her life to Christ & lives a life of contentment until He shows her where to go, what to do or which direction to take. It's not about anything her daddy & I have done, it's all about the grace & redemption of Christ. Grace & redemption brought straight to our level. ♥ For that, I am rich. ♥ Many people don't understand why MaKayla isn't moving on or how God could really be telling her to do what she is doing. I don't understand it either but one thing Kyle & I have taught her through the years is to always, always, always follow the leading of the Spirit. No matter what, follow the Holy Spirit & do what God so desires. As she waits & listens, she holds tight to diligence, hope & obedience. She serves. 

 ♥ For that, I am blessed. ♥

 MaKayla~

You are everything wonderful & I celebrate the beautiful creation of God that you have been, are & continue to become. Thank you for calling me 'Mama" & for loving me much more than I could ever deserve.  You are a gift...

~A million Swedish fish & oh, so many more than you can count... ♥

Never Would We Have Dreamed...

The house is quiet.
By 6:30 this morning, I remained the only one at home.
It is a beautiful start to the day...
The sun is shining...
With only a few clouds in the sky...
Light cool breezes move the curtains...
Roosters crow...
Crows caw...
Birds sing...

The bed is made.
The dishes are done.
The bathroom has been cleaned.

Laundry awaits.
The yard, wet with dew, needs mowed.
A trip to the grocery store is on the afternoon schedule.

My mind scrolls back...
22 years ago today...

The dress was ready...
I was excited...
Wedding preparations were in full swing...

22 years ago today, I couldn't wait for "tomorrow" to arrive...
For "tomorrow" would be the first day of together forever...

As we took a family walk last night, I couldn't help but think...
22 years ago we never would have dreamed that we would be where we are...
Living where we're living...
Doing what we're doing...
Loving more than we ever could possibly imagine...
Nurturing two beautiful, healthy girls...

Never would we have dreamed that...
Kyle would face the health struggles that he has...
We would walk alongside friends laying babies to rest all-too-soon...
Close family members would taste the sting of cancer...

Never would we have dreamed...
We would homeschool our children...
Kyle would use his love for music to lead people to the Throne of Grace...
We would dwell in the home that Grandpa Mack built with his own hands...

Never would we have dreamed that...
The nieces who were flower girls would be all grown up...
The "bottom side" of the vows we took (worse, sickness, poorer...) we would eventually face...
(We, like everyone else, only focused on the "upside"...the better, health, richer... No thought is given to facing or working through the "bottom side"...)

Never would we have dreamed...this life.

Twenty-two years ago today, I couldn't wait to marry my very best friend. ♥

Things were simple then...
On the day of the wedding, I fixed my own hair, put on my own make-up & painted my own nails.
For flowers, we used tuberous begonias that Mom had planted herself.
We got married in my home church.
We had a simple cake & punch reception in the basement of that church.
Close friends.
Immediate family.
No food.
No dance.
Simple.

For Kyle's bachelor party he & Tom went to World's of Fun where Tom told every ride attendant why they were there which gained them access to the front of the line...every time. Beth & I shared dinner together on the "porch" of a favorite Mexican restaurant that we both loved.

No parties...
No hoopla...
No drama...

Never would we have dreamed...

As soon as the cake had been cut & pictures had been taken & clothes had been changed, Kyle & I were off...
A simple honeymoon, but so much fun.
The start of forever...

Little did we know what lie ahead...

Never would we have dreamed...

Little did we know that 22 years ago today that same friend that went with Kyle to World's of Fun would be recovering from open heart surgery...
Not just a Best Man...
But a Best Friend...

Little did we know that 22 years ago today that same friend that shared dinner on "the porch" with me that evening would be nurturing her husband back to health after nearly losing him to death...
Not just a wife...
But a Bestie...

Never would we have dreamed...

The past three weeks have been nothing short of crazy yet nothing less than miraculous.
I long to share with you how God has so intimately & marvelously worked yet I first want to get the okay from Tom & Beth before I expound...

22 years ago...

Never would we have dreamed how quickly the years would slip away yet how through life's circumstances, God would draw us so much closer to Himself. Besides my salvation in Christ, Kyle is the greatest gift of my life & I suspect that if we're still here in 22 years, we, at this point, could never begin to dream all that God wants to work in us & through us...

June 28th, 1991 ~ Farrens/O'Riley Wedding Rehearsal

That Journey...

The weather has definitely changed back to winter-like after having several days that felt more like spring. We are so thankful for those warmer days yet it makes us long for warmth, sunshine & singing birds that come & stay. :)

As I mentioned in the last post, the girls & I have been trying to get out daily & walk at least a mile. Kyle didn't have to work today (hooray) so after breakfast dishes were all cleaned up, we decided to brave the cold & wind to fit in our jaunt around the trail. It didn't feel too bad when we first got outside the door but the longer we walked & the further we went, the colder we got. Our legs were burning, our lungs were hurting & were more than ready to return to the warmth of home.

At about the midway point, I was tempted to complain about the frigid temperature and the cutting wind yet the Lord allowed my mind to drift back to April of 2008 when Kyle went in to undergo his complete colectomy. A time & season of life that I will never forget. An extremely sick husband. Uncertain situations. Long surgery. Away from our girls. Unfamiliar surroundings. I knew no one.

Kyle was in the hospital for eight long days & other than venturing to the McDonald's on the first floor of Mercy Hospital with my sister, Marci & her girls, I didn't leave the premise of his room. Endless days. Sleepless nights. I didn't eat anything besides nibbles of Pop Tarts because Kyle couldn't have anything by mouth until the day before he was dismissed & I wasn't eating unless he could. When it all came down to it, I just wanted unlimited fresh air (and the familiar face of my sister) but neither were possible under the circumstances.

I missed MaKayla & Mal & I was completely out of my comfort zone. Doctors. Nurses. Noises. Smells. Country girl in a big city. Kyle is a very private, to-himself-kind-of-guy & had requested limited visitors due to the sensitivity of the nature of his surgery. I was perfectly fine with that however he was highly medicated & didn't feel well so in essence my soul-mate was "absent" even though he was very present. In all honesty, it was a very lonely time for me. For once in my life I couldn't "fix" the situation to suit me or to make Kyle better. Yet in that time of aloneness, I found an intimacy & friendship with Jesus that I otherwise never would have known.

Sometimes God allows the most difficult moments in order to draw us closer to Himself.

I took charge of the majority of his care only calling the nurses when he needed something I couldn't do. They came in only when we called, at the beginning/end of their shifts or when it was time for his meds. They like patients like him... Ones who aren't demanding & have family who willingly stay day & night to serve & care for those they love rather than treating it like it's a vacation where they deserve to be catered to hand & foot (sadly, patients & caregivers alike).

As we rounded that last bend this morning with home in sight, the Lord reminded me to redirect my "want to" complaining (in regard to the cold) into words & whispers of worship & praise. He urged me to give thanks that I have healthy lungs to breathe. He compelled me to be grateful for the fresh air that surrounded me. He urged me to pray for those who are living that scene that we lived almost five years ago. Those who are sitting in hospitals with sick loved ones. Just wishing for a long, deep breath of fresh air.

Had I not been privileged to walk that journey with the man who holds my heart, I would fail to know the essence of being grateful for the simpleness of blessings. I'm so much richer for where I've been but I'm so thankful for where I'm at...

#588~Crisp, brisk, definitely-feels-like-winter-kind-of-day walk as a family... Brrrrr... It's cold out there but so thankful to the Lord for fresh air & healthy lungs to breathe! Many in this word aren't so fortunate. Counting our blessings this day... ♥

It. Was. Wonderful.

Absent.
That's what I've been.
Absent.

Today was Kyle's second day back to normal work after having nearly two weeks here at home with us girls. His place of employment had an eleven-day-shutdown/vacation which we had greatly been looking forward to but then the Sunday before that was to start, his only living grandma passed away which put him off of work two days earlier than everyone else. Although we were saddened by the circumstances, we loved having the additional two days with him.

Still trying to catch up from MaKayla's graduation, we decided that we would use this time to stay home, relax & just be together. It. Was. Wonderful. We went very few places & did very few things. Our goal was to conserve money and invest in one another every moment of every day. We did and... It. Was. Wonderful.

We spent much time in the pool...

We pitched the tent in the backyard & slept under the stars (and moon)...

We cooked over the fire pit. (Kyle did. The girls & I watched. :)...

We studied God's Word together...

We relished in God's beauty...

We worked in the garden...

We celebrated a life well lived...

We enjoyed quiet time on the patio over cinnamon rolls & a good cup of coffee...

We shot off some fireworks...

We spent time with cousins...

We loved being with family...

We celebrated a birthday...

We simply loved life...
We loved one another...
We loved God...

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Through this shutdown time, the Lord has really been speaking to Kyle & I about various things. To be honest, it's been a tough "season" for Kyle... As many of you can relate, specific circumstances & situations have a tendency to "resurface" past pain... Past memories... Past heartache... Past trials...

The past...

We want to ignore it.
We want to suppress it.
We want to deny that which we need to face.
We just want to move on with life & not look back...

Sometimes that's fruitful...
Yet sometimes...
Sometimes it withholds healing...
Sometimes it prevents resolve...
Sometimes it keeps us prisoner to ourselves...

23 years ago Kyle lost a cousin who was also his very best friend...
Kyle was only one day older...
Their birthdays were the same year...
One day apart...

Same class in school...
Same interests...
Same hometown...

A very painful season-of-life for Kyle for many reasons...

It just so happens that the cemetery we laid his grandma's body to rest in is the same cemetery he laid his cousin to rest in as well...

23 years ago...

We don't go visit...
He doesn't speak of it...
It's painful...
It resurfaces things, memories, self-worth, emotions, loss that is easier ignored...
Until...
Until the Lord says,
"Now is the time."
"Today is the day."
"This is the season.""
"Surrender."
"Run. To. Me."

We simply can't have freedom over an area of life we can't bring ourselves to face.
We won't find courage to be who God desires us to be when we deny what we feel.
We will fail to be victorious if we bury the reality of who we see ourselves as.

God's Word is Truth.
That's the hopeful reality...
We must walk in who He says we are...

It has been a wonderful shutdown but a painful one at that.

There have been mountains.
There have been valleys.

There has been laughter.
There have been tears.

There has been conflict.
There has been resolve.

With God on our side, it's ALL good!
Minute-by-minute...
Day-by-day...
Healing is manifested.
Life is regenerated.
We are one day closer to Jesus.
I simply can't imagine life without Him...

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.

 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.

Psalm 139:1,5