In The Shifting Of Control...I Decided To Take The Lead.

Yesterday.
Another one of those days.

It didn't start out as such but then a spontaneous outing that I hadn't adequately sought or allowed God to prepare my heart for quickly derailed me & tossed me completely off the track. It wasn't progressive, it was instant.

Immediate tension.
Split-second agitation.
Consuming irritation.

And my default...
Disconnect.
Control.
Transparent frustration.

I removed myself from the situation momentarily but instead of taking that opportunity to regroup, refocus & recollect, I allowed the core of the matter to fester & brew. Unwisely, I failed to turn my focus from the circumstance & redirect it toward God. My blood-pressure soared. My heart rate elevated. My peace drained...out of my feet. I was a hot mess. Truly. Just ask Mal.

Note to self: When default tendencies begin to show potential of becoming reality, take a deep breath, inwardly cry out to God, allow Him to put things in perspective according to His Word. Who I know He wants me to be. How I know He wants me to respond. His character being lived out & worked out in me.

Why do I allow the flesh to outrun the Spirit?
Why do I permit emotions to overtake moderation?
Why do I enable self to trump Truth?

Because I heed the natural & silence the Divine.

The afternoon continued & my attitude, nor my temperament improved. At all. Displeasure was evident & obvious. I voiced & vented. Plead my cause. Confirmed my point. Fine. Dandy. Understood. Yet my heart was still wrong. And I knew it.

I came home, shared with Kyle & contemplated. He worked on winterizing the pool while I continued to consider the yearnings & ponderings of my heart. I shared with him various things that were meandering through mind & lessons I was taking away from the situation at hand. Lessons dealing with my contribution to the circumstance as well as contributions of others. I told him that I was going to find a place in the sunshine & sit. I retrieved my Bible & my journal, found a chair on the west side of the house in the direct shining of the sun & began to put thoughts to paper in order to help me sort out & work out how God was speaking to me.

Control.

Plain and simple.

Control.

Control... A stronghold in my spirit that has the potential to encapsulate & permeate me like not much else. Why? I don't like to be defied. I can do what's comfortable. A feeding of pride due to accomplishment. My esteem of self is too great. Fear. The more I study & the more I grow in the Lord, the more I recognize when my heart begins to beat in the, 'I'm out of control & I'm on a quest to regain it,' rhythm. I'm beginning to better discern the Holy Spirit's voice of, "You're entering into unauthorized  territory & you need to guard your heart. For your sake - falling into sin/heeding temptation. For the sake of the other person - potential to inflict/hurt." Lord, I know this is an area of my heart that desperately needs reshaping, transforming & softening. Will you help me? Help me to know when to persist & when to let it go. When something's worth fighting for & when it's prudent to surrender.

Kyle & I discussed it more throughout the evening as I continued to work the entirety of the afternoon out in my heart. I sat & typed up a Facebook post that collected my thoughts...

Two coinciding thoughts conclude my afternoon...
1.) If you're not going to enforce the rule/boundary/standard, don't put it into place.
2.)  I never want to arrive at the place where my heart becomes so stubborn/prideful that I am unteachable or so hardened/obstinate that I am beyond correction.
*Taxing days are wearing yet I am reminded to 'Count it all joy'... And that the taxation is worth it when you can walk away with a deeper understanding & a fresh measure of wisdom for days/times ahead. Prudence. :) Every situation in life is an opportunity for Christ to enlighten us to something we need to see/learn if our hearts are willing to perceive & pliable to be molded. Happy Friday Eve! :)

I questioned the posting of it for well over an hour... I tossed it around. Thought it through. Considered it intently. Yes. No. I think it's fine. Probably shouldn't. Yeah, maybe someone else can relate. I don't think it's conducive to what God would desire.

Control was shifting...
I had possession...
And then I gave it to God.
Back to me.
Then Him.
Me.
Him.

I knew at the core of my being that my heart wasn't "all" right in it. Yes, I had been reminded of profound lessons I wanted to etch in my heart & implement in the coming days/weeks/months/years yet what I was highlighting was someone else's weaknesses & falterings...not my own. But I reasoned that no one else knew those facts but me. I reasoned it out & then briefly, ever-so-briefly, a truth that a sister-in-Christ shared yesterday morning on Facebook that had impacted me greatly wafted through my spirit...

I thought on it for a moment & then began to reason again...

Note to self: Never reason with God. He is ALWAYS right.

And when one reasons long enough, they convince themselves (through the enemy's influence) that they are right & the harm they once considered, is invalid.

Post.

There...
It was done.
Posted.
Me.

I went to bed unsettled about my choice but decided to give it until morning & if I still wasn't sure, I would delete the thoughts that I felt so compelled to share.

Long night.
A long night of wrestling...
With God.

Delete.

There...
It was done.
Gone.
Him.

I threw my flannels on, put my contacts in, brushed my teeth. Clicked on the lamp, stumbled through the living room, found my way to the kitchen. Another light accessed, coffee poured, CD player turned on. Journal located, Bible retrieved, a place at the table found. Reading glasses on, pen in hand, sentiments of the heart transferred to paper. My every morning... But this one was different. I knew I had wrestled with God throughout the hours of the night & I knew why...

In the shifting of control, due to pride, I decided to take the lead.

Wrestling with God resulting in a genuine desire for all manner of pride & control to be removed from my life/heart/mind. In the wrestling I was reminded of my sister's post yesterday...

When I question the "rightness" in some decision or choice, it's probably wrong. And even if it's 99% right & 1% almost right, it's still wrong. If it's not 100% right in God's eyes, I should submit, fear, revere & obey.

And as I shared with MaKayla through text this morning, "Even if what I said was 100% truth, the motive was wrong & prideful. A way to inconspicuously vent. No one would have known it but me... And God... I wrestled with Him over it all night. Right yet wrong. Directed towards a situation & a people. I deleted it early this morning & then I read Proverbs 4... Confirmation. I don't want to be a 'point prover'. The Lord was telling me, "No," but I chose my will instead of His. A profound lesson of faith & obedience for me."

Enter not into the path of the wicked, and go not in the way of evil men. 

Avoid it, pass not by it, turn from it, and pass away. 

For they sleep not, except they have done mischief;

and their sleep is taken away, unless they cause some to fall. 

~Proverbs 4:14-16

My heart was perceptive to what I was to be gleaning (my two Facebook post points) but instead of gleaning with a heart saturated with humility, I was gleaning through a heart laced with pride. It reminded me of the account of the slothful man's vineyard field in Proverbs...

I went by the field of the slothful, and by the vineyard of the man void of understanding;

And, lo, it was all grown over with thorns, and nettles had covered the face thereof, 

and the stone wall thereof was broken down.

Then I saw, and considered it well: I looked upon it, and received instruction.

Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep:

So shall they poverty come as one that travelleth; and thy want as an armed man.

~Proverbs 24:30-34

God wants us to learn from observation & consideration (from our own lives & from the lives of others) yet He wants us to learn with a spirit void of condemnation, pride & control. A spirit steeped in lowliness & humility. Learning from what we see & experience without bitterness, resentment or haughtiness.

Last night I distinctly knew what God was directing me to do yet like the stubborn, prideful, hardened & obstinate heart that I was so troubled by previously in my day...that heart became mine...toward God. Instead of being teachable & open to correction, I was bent on my own will. I coveted control.

A diseased portion of my heart that has been in such a state for as long as I can remember has received Divine treatment... And although I lost some sleep in the hours of the night, what I gained will change me for the remainder of my life.

May I daily be reminded...

Trust In The Affliction & Praise In The Pleasantry...

November 1st.

Time doesn't speed up.
Time doesn't slow down.
Time is time.

60 seconds in every minute.
60 minutes in every hour.
24 hours in every day.
Seven days in every week.

Time.
Time. Is. Time.

Yet when I visit the blog, I realize that May was my last post. And I wonder, how did that happen? How did I allow that to happen?

Time.

Time with people.
Time with the Lord.
Time doing what He has instructed me to do.

Time loving.
Time investing.
Time contemplating.

Time healing.
Time learning.
Time considering.

Time searching.
Time seeking.
Time listening.

In order to understand.

Although time has passed, the time in between has been fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.
Truly.

Not without pain, difficulty & testing yet all-the-same, fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.

Isn't that God?

Helping Grandma move & settle.
Storing summer's bounty for winter's provision.
Walking with those I love through one of life's hardest trials.

And this morning as I contrast & compare, I wonder how one day life can be pleasant & peace-filled, while the next is laden with struggle, frustration & at a loss as to how I should process the events therein. Am I bi-polar? Am I fickle? Do I lack stability? Laughable but true.

Satan would like to convince me of such...

Yet as I seek the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminds me that days are diverse. He reminds me that the diversity of days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...to Him.

I had about two weeks straight where life was absolutely restful, contented & filled with pleasantries, and then BAM, I had a day that, from start-to-finish, was outlined, shaded & filled in with irritations, frustrations & testings. Externally, I did my best to conceal the grossness of my heart but internally, both God & I (Mal, Kyle & one other individual) knew the poison that permeated.

The poison that permeated my thoughts, feelings & emotions.

Since that day a week ago today it's been a day-to-day reality. Pleasant. Not-so-pleasant. Positive. Negative. Empowered. Defeated. Restful. Tormenting.

And my heart has wondered why...

Why on again, off again?
Is it me?
Is it a wavering of faith?
Is it selfishness?
Is it weakness?

One day I concluded it was hormones...
Another day, it was due to how I awoke...
And yet another dependent upon what I ate.

All valid options.

When the alarm alerted me yesterday morning signalling a new day, a new week, reminding me of what lie ahead for my Monday, my heart stirred & wrestled. I knew the day was steeped with the potential for struggle, strain & difficulty however the type that I had envisioned wasn't the pedigree that resulted. An intermittent convo with Mal & then a quick chat with Kyle, followed by a brief visit with MaKayla left my heart assured of prayer yet still unresolved. In the midst, Marci dropped me a quick, unexpected phone call & her pleasant voice, brightened my countenance. We didn't talk about specifics of the situation I was dealing with but our momentary exchange of life happenings, helped me move forward in my day. Without her even knowing. ♥

The events of my day changed & took on a different shape & form, leaving me in a position of completely trusting God. Uncertainty loomed. Apprehension lingered. The steeped potential for struggle, strain & difficulty remained. Yet I purposed to proceed in full-on trust that the One who knew what lie ahead would go before me & prepare the way. He would provide grace for the circumstances. He would protect the sensitivity of the situation. He would shelter the hearts involved.

And He did.

Struggle? Yes.
Strain? Yes.
Difficulty? Yes.

Yet in the midst He was faithful.

This morning as I continued to pray over yesterday's situation & anticipated a quiet, contented Tuesday at home with Mal, my heart went back to the question of "why"?

Why on again, off again? 

Is it me? 

Is it a wavering of faith? 

Is it selfishness? 

Is it weakness?

Yet as I sought the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminded me that days are diverse. He reminded me that the diversity of days intensifies my dependence upon Him & keeps me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

On those days where the potential for difficulty is there...
And the brimming reality of struggle is possible...
And the steeped likelihood for strain is at a high percentage...
TRUST.

I knew yesterday was a day drenched with vulnerability on my part & my only option was to pray, depend & trust. That's it. Nothing within me could fix, change or prepare... Everything was out of my control. Beyond my dominion. Far surpassing my determining. I was bare-faced & vulnerable & believe it or not, as crazy as it may sound, there was a deep-seated comfort in my uncertain spirit. A reassurance of assurance. A reminder of faithfulness. A guarantee of Presence.

You don't have this...

But I do.

I Am.

A day saturated with trust.

Today...a contented day. A quiet day. A spiritually restful day. A day where God says,
"Praise. Just embrace & praise. Give thanks. Simply embrace & give thanks."

What He is showing me is that time is time...always the same. The same minutes. The same hours. They hold the same expanse with each that comes & goes, yet those minutes & hours turn into days. And those days are diverse. One day filled to capacity with pleasantries... Days that change us. The next overflowing with immeasurable affliction. Days that transform us. And instead of analyzing the why (yeah, that's my default...I'm always on a quest to understand), trust in the affliction & praise in the pleasantry. Time never changes yet we change through time. We change over time.

Days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

As Mal & I drove to fill the truck up with gasoline this morning, I found myself acknowledging how deeply grateful I am that, because of Jesus, regardless of the day & what it holds, I can trust and I can praise. And that as seconds turn to minutes & minutes turn to hours & hours turn to days, God is drawing me closer to Him through each & every situation He orchestrates.

Let go of the 'why' & simply rest in His presence. Rest in the trusting. Rejoice in the praising.

But I trusted in thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my God.

My times are in thy hand...

~Psalm 31:14-15