And The More We Believe God For...

That creaky old wooden rocker...
Overlain with the cozy rag blanket that MaKayla created for Kyle for Valentines Day...
In my comfy jammies...
I sit there.

Steaming coffee in hand...
The Holy Word & my journal with pen ever near...
Kyle texts... ♥
I answer.

My eyes are drawn out the picture window...
Watching the brightness of day begin to dawn...
And I am thankful...
Simply for the promise of sunshine in the new day beginning.

This is how my most every day takes flight...
In that rocker...
With the Word...
Searing my heart like a hot brand.

As I opened it yesterday, turning to Deuteronomy 1 & 2, our designated reading for the day, my spirit was enthralled. Sometimes I don't even feel as though I am worthy to share my thoughts... For the One I speak of is so wonderful & magnificent & faithful & mighty & powerful... My thoughts & my words & my wonderings are so meaningless in comparison to His. Yet His greatness is amazing & life-changing & He longs for us to speak forth of who He is & all He is.

And as I read, these things stood out...
There you saw how the LORD your God carried you...
...who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night & in a cloud by day...
These forty years the LORD your God has been with you...
I have given into your hand...
This very day I will begin to put terror & fear...
For the LORD your God has made his spirit stubborn & his heart obstinate in order...
...the LORD our God delivered him over...
...not one town was too strong for us...
The LORD our God gave us all of them.

And as I absorbed the truth of these verses & received the reality of the depth & the power & the authority, God said to my spirit, "I am that same God today... I have the same power... The same authority... The same might... Why don't you believe me for more...?"

"Why do you only believe me to be capable of what you, yourself could do?"

A few weeks back in Bible study, we were studying the stoning of Stephen & Kyle asked the question, "Do you believe that the power of the Holy Ghost is the same today as it was then...?"

"Absolutely," was the response. "He is the same yesterday and to day and for ever."

So why do we believe Him for so much less...

And then I remember this...

The well is deep”— and even a great deal deeper than the Samaritan woman knew! (John 4:11). Think of the depths of human nature and human life; think of the depth of the “wells” in you. Have you been limiting, or impoverishing, the ministry of Jesus to the point that He is unable to work in your life? Suppose that you have a deep “well” of hurt and trouble inside your heart, and Jesus comes and says to you, “Let not your heart be troubled . . .” (John 14:1). Would your response be to shrug your shoulders and say, “But, Lord, the well is too deep, and even You can’t draw up quietness and comfort out of it.” Actually, that is correct. Jesus doesn’t bring anything up from the wells of human nature— He brings them down from above. We limit the Holy One of Israel by remembering only what we have allowed Him to do for us in the past, and also by saying, “Of course, I cannot expect God to do this particular thing.” The thing that approaches the very limits of His power is the very thing we as disciples of Jesus ought to believe He will do. We impoverish and weaken His ministry in us the moment we forget He is almighty. The impoverishment is in us, not in Him. We will come to Jesus for Him to be our comforter or our sympathizer, but we refrain from approaching Him as our Almighty God.

The reason some of us are such poor examples of Christianity is that we have failed to recognize that Christ is almighty. We have Christian attributes and experiences, but there is no abandonment or surrender to Jesus Christ. When we get into difficult circumstances, we impoverish His ministry by saying, “Of course, He can’t do anything about this.” We struggle to reach the bottom of our own well, trying to get water for ourselves. Beware of sitting back, and saying, “It can’t be done.” You will know it can be done if you will look to Jesus. The well of your incompleteness runs deep, but make the effort to look away from yourself and to look toward Him. ~Oswald Chambers

And my heart is stirred...

I remember the first time I read this & I remember how convicted I was...
Yet how full of hope I became.

Convicted...
The reality that I based God's power & ability on what I felt was humanly possible...

"Why don't you believe me for more...?"

The hope...
God is not human.
He. Is. God.

With one simple word...

It happens.

And then as I read out of Tozer last night...
"I do not believe there is any bridge that cannot be crossed when the infinite Creator determines that He is going to utter for His authoritative Word to the finite man."

Confirming thoughts to solidify what I know as truth...
When God speaks...
It happens.

And the more we believe God for...
The more He will do.

Yet we don't...
Therefore we lack.

Unbelief will paralyze the arm of the man who is filled with unbelief.

While that same arm,

long from being paralyzed,

is working for the salvation of men.

~A.W. Tozer

As Kyle confessed in our conversation last night...
"We have not because we ask not..."
"We have not because we believe not..."

And then I am reminded of words that have been invested to my spirit in the past few weeks...
Words from the wise & learned heart of one I love & respect...
And have for many years...
"When it comes to prayer whether as a means of seeking forgiveness or because of intercession for another, let God do His part. After we pray, we need to let God take it over... Let Him do the work..."

The freedom this brought me was inexplicable...
Giving it to God...
And letting it go.

Letting God be God.

Reality of it is...
He is the One who holds the power...
And the authority...

Bottom line...
He is the Worker...
We are His workmanship...

Why do we think that we have some supernatural ability to "fix"...
When it is only by His will...
His power...
His authority...
His Word...
His breath...
That the fixing takes place.

We have this notion that if we think deep enough...
And process long enough...
And analyze far enough...
And work hard enough...
And serve intently enough...
And intercede spiritually enough...
That we can fix things that only He is capable of.

Truly, it is nothing in & of ourselves...

And sometimes, we take it upon ourselves to step in...
And "fix" things that only suffice to hinder ourselves or others from seeing Him...
Things He wanted to "fix" in a different way...
At a different time.

And therefore we cobble it all together...
Much like the streets of old...
Or a home-improvement project gone bad.

Bumpy...
Lacking uniformity...
Pieced together...
Imperfect.

And so I am reminded...
That God is God...
And I am not.

God's Word is a strong word, a unique thing; there is power in it.

And when I believe it & engage in it

and it engages me,

something happens:

the eternal God does an eternal act.

God's authoritative Word sounds in warning & invitation.

~Tozer

And I sit here with a girl answering the hard questions of life...
Of God...
Of the meat His Word...

Of salvation...
How secure it is...
And the rapture...

Of truths that have never been addressed to her ears...
And her heart...
With boldness & authority...

Hard things...
That Satan wants to twist...
And cause us to fear...
And feel overwhelmed.

And God's longing for us to know that we know that we know...
That He always has our best interest in store.

And that all His ways...
And every part of His will...
Is good...
And perfect.

Period.

The more I (and our family) pore over the depth of God's Word...
The more I grow in love and in reverence and in awe...
Of the One who is able to do more than we can imagine or think...

If only we will believe.

Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them.

The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you,

as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert.

There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son,

all the way you went until you reached this place."

~Deuteronomy 1:29-33

Of The Heavenly Kind...

I'm sitting in the wooden rocker near the picture window soaking up the sunshine while Mal sits near attempting a math lesson. We chatter back & forth & I struggle to refrain from sliding in a few random puzzle segments of the 1,000 piecer we have well under way that is within my reach. We've been ill; she & I. Lots of, "Momma, will you sit with me?" "Momma, will you lay with me?" "Momma, will you be close to me?" ♥ I'm thankful.

Thankful for a girl who longs for my presence...
Wants me near...
Cherishes the relationship we share...
And finds my touch as a balm of healing...

Thankful for a husband whose desire is for me to be home...
Who works hard...
Provides abundantly...
And sees these moments with our girls as an investment...
Of the heavenly kind.

First it was me. Then, her. Blah. Nothing major but significant enough that even laying down was undesirable... As I told my sister, Marci, I won't complain...I will taking any form of temporary ailment over throwing up. I would have a cold 365 days out of the year over one bout of the stomach yuck & I would just about rather die than puke. Just sayin'... :) But not lyin'... About the time I started feeling "normal", Mal started feeling not-so-good...head hurting, sore throat, body aching, throbbing ears, fever... Happy Valentine's Day to her...not. We stayed in all weekend long & finally today she is upright, dressed & attempting school work. I'm thankful I have these moments... ♥ Today would be one of those days that were Mal enrolled in public school, I would have felt "pressured" to send her on her way even though I knew she wasn't up to par. Thus, running her immunity down more and infecting all others around her. Not good. Not good at all.

Thankfully, she's here with me continuing to recoup... ♥
Thankfully, I'm here with her nurturing back health... ♥

Speaking of Valentine's Day... ♥
It was an in-service day of the homemaking kind... ♥

MaKayla at the sewing machine...
Mal rolling out sugar cookies... ♥

Hearts of course... ♥

Love her hands... ♥

Fresh from the oven... ♥

A break from sewing... ♥

To mix up frosting... ♥
(I secretly HATE this job...)

Homemade goodness... ♥

Packaged for delivery... ♥

Sweet treasures... ♥

Homemade jambalaya... ♥

Around the table... ♥

We typically do an Italian meal but decided to switch things up a bit... ♥

And jalapeno, cheddar cornbread... ♥
Yum-oh!

Kyle's gift from us girls... ♥

So surprised... ♥

He instantly fell in love... ♥

Kyle knew MaKayla was going to be creating this at some point...

But had no idea it was in the works... ♥

Creative card from Grandpa Bill & Grandma Sharon... ♥
A highlight for the girls every year... ♥

Unfolding... ♥

Kyle & his girls... ♥

Wrapped up in homemade goodness... ♥

And then the gifting of the girls... ♥

Momma & her girls... ♥

 

 It was a beautiful day apart from Mal not feeling the greatest...

A day of love...

Laughter...

Productivity...

New recipes...

And old ones...

Surprises...

Homemade goodness...

And simply being together.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

But In The End...It's Of Our Choosing...

It's a quiet morning here...
Cinnamon Vanilla Nut coffee lingers in my favorite rooster mug...
Bone broth simmers in the crock pot...
Laundry tosses to-and-fro in the humming dryer...
Soothing melodies waft through the air waves of our home.

The girls are still slumbering & Kyle is busy at work. He is on his umpteenth Saturday & simply put, I've forgotten what an actual "weekend" is like. :) I've just come to automatically fill in the Saturday boxes on our calendar, "Kyle work"... This too shall pass yet I am grateful for his positive attitude of determination while things are beyond busy at his place of employment.

It hasn't always been this way...
God has changed his heart...
And his attitude...

Although home is always where he would prefer to be, he doesn't complain or dread or resist working the extra hours that are requested & required of him through this busy season...and neither do I.

It hasn't always been this way...

God showed me some time back that grumbling & complaining & having an adverse attitude only makes it harder on this one who holds my heart, therefore I've turned the "ugliness" into encouragement & support. Looking beyond myself & what I want, to what makes the taxing routine of life easier on him. ♥ It means saying, "No" to things we would enjoy doing & taking rain checks on outings/activities that simply can't fit into life right now.

It's finding contentment in Christ where we're at...

I am not saying this because I am in need, 

for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 

I know what it is to be in need, 

and I know what it is to have plenty. 

I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, 

whether well fed or hungry, 

whether living in plenty or in want. 

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

~Philippians 4:11-13

A lesson God has been instilling in our hearts for several months now...

~ contentment ~

internal satisfaction which does not demand changes in external circumstances

Easy to grasp?

Rarely.

Simple to execute?

Not hardly.

It takes discipline...

Realigning the mind...

And the heart.

It takes surrender...

Relinquishment of control...

And absolute submission.

It takes abandoning the heart to Jesus & genuinely saying, "Have your way..."

"Whatever it is..."

"Whatever it isn't..."

"Have your way..."

And sometimes...

We say it...

And we mean it...

But before one realizes it...

We've reclaimed ownership...

And control...

And then instantly the contented heart is lost... 

And turmoil is once again the reality.

All of this is fresh in my mind as Kyle, the girls & I take another journey through the pages of the Old Testament. The Israelites were infamous...

For grumbling...

Complaining...

Discontentment...

They wanted more...

Different...

Better.

Satisfied one minute...

Whining & angry the next.

It was a burden to Moses...

And disheartening to God.

The Lord showed me several things very clearly this week...

One being that He NEVER wills any of His children to bondage.

Of any degree...

~bondage~

slavery

captivity

anything that prevents one from freedom of movement

The counterpart of that is this...

It is our personal choices that most often put us into bondage (there are exceptions)...

And it is our personal choices that most often keep us there (there are exceptions).

Period.

Many times discontentment is a reality because we are in bondage to some-one or some-thing...

Almost always chosen...

Occasionally not...

And facing that reality is what brings freedom.

Acknowledging that something isn't "right"...

Our attitude...

Our actions...

Our choices...

Our situation...

Our friends...

Our lifestyle...

Acknowledging that our heart isn't "settled"...

At peace...

Content.

A "knowing" directly from the Holy Spirit, Himself.

Acknowledging it for what it is & seeking God for wisdom in finding liberation.

He never fails to have the avenue to deliverance.

Sometimes that means repenting of rebellion for choosing to be unhappy where He has us...

Sometimes that means agreeing with Him that we aren't where He wants us.

One requires a change in attitude (of the mental/spiritual/emotional kind)...

One requires a change of situation/placement (of the physical kind)...

Most often we already know in the depths of our spirit which it is.

The key to deliverance, freedom & liberation is obedience.

Yet so many times we choose the convenient path of ignoring...

Suppressing...

Denying... 

A perverted sense that some-how, some-way things will just magically resolve.

We try...

We work...

We attempt...

And they don't...

And we're still stuck...

And it's our choice.

Believe me, I've learned the vast difference between "ignoring" & "ignorance"...

One is intentional...

One is innocent blindness...

One is unseeing...

One is blatant clarity.

One is lined with purity...

One is laced with rebellion.

One is destined to wrath...

One is covered with grace.

When God shows us that the unsettled spirit within us is clearly bondage...

He will be faithful to show us the way out.

But in the end...

It's of our choosing.

What we do...

Whether we resolve.

And thankfully, the deliverance is readily available...

But frankly, the choosing doesn't come without a fight...

A fight from the one who desires our hearts, our minds, our bodies, our spirits...

To remain in slavery...

Captivity...

Bondage.

Yet God says, "I Am..."

"I Am capable..."

"I Am able..."

"I Am more than enough..."

"I Am mighty..."

"I Am powerful..."

"I Am Sovereign..."

"And I will deliver you..."

We must choose to what voice we listen...

What voice we follow...

What voice we obey.

Are you in bondage?

Is your heart discontent?

Is your spirit unsettled?

Is it because you are unhappy where God has strategically placed you?

Or does He want you somewhere else & you refuse to move?

*Marriage...

*Career...

*Ministry...

*Home...

Is it because He is calling your heart to an area of service & you are unwilling?

Or is it because He has asked you to give something up & you oppose?

*Witnessing...

*Extending...

*Forgiving...

*Impure relationships...

*Habits...

*Fear...

Is it because He is speaking & you are ignoring?

Or is it because He has spoken & you are disobedient?

"Let go..."

"Give it up..."

"Take another road..."

Speaking from experience...

Surrender...

Abandonment...

Relinquishment...

Submission...

And obedience...

Are so worth the reward of deliverance.

Even though the "giving up" entails withdrawal...

And detoxification of the most uncomfortable kind.

The price merits the Prize.

God faithfully delivered the Israelites out the physical realm of bondage from the Egyptians only for them to launch themselves right back into slavery of the spiritual kind.

Candidly...

We're capable of repeating the same occurrence.

In this home, we're finding freedom of the most beautiful kind...

Not without a fight, yet...

It is an extraordinary thing.

Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, 

and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.

~Galatians 5:1

The Final Square...

It's been a heavy week here in our home...
Not bad...
Just heavy.

Lots on our hearts...
Much on our minds...
A continual cycle of prayer & intercession.

By Wednesday the weightiness was closing in on Mal.
Sickness...
Surgeries...
Terminal diagnoses...

Multiple situations...

People we love...
Hurting...
Struggling...
Searching for a way to deal with the trying events of life.

Hard for an adult...
Difficult for a child/adolescent.

I saw it happening...
Withdrawn...
Quiet...
In another world.

She was processing...

Just not in a productive/fruitful way.

I'm not the kind of parent who just lets things be. I want to know... Both of our girls are very well aware that if I sense a struggle within either of them, we need to talk. Sure, I give them a bit of time to work through things on their own with God's help but if I don't see things begin to turn around, we need to have a heart-to-heart. ♥

This was one area of mine & Kyle's marriage that took years to resolve. He's more of a stuffer. I am most definitely a communicator. Growing up, he learned the denial method of coping...just don't openly talk about things & eventually they will go away or resolve themselves. I was the type of kid who needed comfort, assurance & nearness when things in life were hard to understand or seemed out of control. Thus the reason I slept with my mom until I was sixteen years old... Don't judge. :) (Dad worked nights so his half of the bed was empty...)

As a little girl when life was unsettling I can remember trying to quietly creep my way into Dad & Mom's bed only for Dad to ship me back to my own abode. And then when I was a bit older a drunk driver crossed the center line & struck the car my aunt was riding in... That accident left her in the hospital for many weeks & I recall after visiting her in the ICU, going home with that image ingrained in my mind... I would lay at the end of Dad & Mom's bed & shake... Anxiety. It was something that I used to battle in big ways...

For many years...

And then God delivered me...
He showed me the "how" of dealing.

As we sat around the supper table Wednesday evening, the "safe place" that it is, I began feeling Mal out.

"Are you okay?"
"How are you feeling?"
"What is circulating in the grey matter of your mind?"

And then the table was full...

Of thoughts...
Of tears...
Of concerns...

Things continued to spill...

Of worries...
Of fears...
Of, "What ifs..."

Ignoring things of such never magically make them go away...

She & I have had similar conversations before...

But sometimes we need reminded.

Life is hard.
Sickness is rampant.
Disease seems to permeate.

Cancer is at every turn...
Death is no respecter of persons.

And as we hear it...
And process it...
And internalize it...

Satan begins the game of deception...
"What if..."

Before we even realize it, we jump into the game he has dared us to play...
And the more we participate...
The more we are consumed.

With despair...
And fear...
And worry.

We lose sight of the final square on the board...

We begin to entertain those thoughts & emotions...
And then he tries to solidify them in our hearts as truth...
And if our hearts aren't guarded...
We believe him.

I've been there...
Have you?

As we sat around our well-worn, years-old, brown, wooden table...
Nicks from cutting noodles...
And pie crusts...
And veggies for soups & salads...

Burn marks from candles-too-hot...
And warped center seams...
And legs that wobble...

Coffee sipped...
Tears fallen...
The Word read...

We talked...
As a family.

We shared the specifics of the weights that seem so heavy on our shoulders.

The precious people...
The hard situations...
The circumstances that go beyond our understanding.

It's life...

Period.

Not just Mal...
But each of us...
All four of these hearts.

And as we talked about the "what ifs"...
We concluded with a truth that I learned years back in a study I did...

What if...
Then God.

Life is life & from the second Adam & Eve "chose" in the Garden of Eden...
Their disobedience...
Their sin...
Their choice to do contrary to what God instructed...

Life has been hard.

In a split second...
In one choosing...
In a single decision to believe the enemy...

Perfect life as God designed it...
Ceased to exist.

Yet God remained.

He still does.

Sometimes we need reminded.

That even when day-to-day living seems bigger than we can handle...
And situations are more than we can understand...
And it feels like the trials & difficulties of life are closing in...

God remains.
Period.

But all-too-often we jump into that "dare game"...
And all focus is lost.

Our attention goes from God...
To desperation...
And fear...
And worry...
And hopelessness...

We start entertaining the "what ifs"...
And simply stop there.

We stop there & entertain every worst-case scenario imaginable.

And then the cancer eats at us in the spiritual, mental & emotional realm.

Our faith is diminished...
Our outlook is grim...
Our fear grows.

Hope is a distant reality...
Worry is our friend...
And the walls grow closer & closer & closer...

Suffocation of the worst kind.

And then someone comes along & says...
"Are you okay?"
"How are you feeling?"
"What is circulating in the grey matter of your mind?"

"Let me help you... 

Let me point you to the One who can breathe the breath of life back into you..."

The Restorer of hope.
The Renewer of peace.
The Rebuilder of faith.
The Reviver of strength.

Sometimes we just need reminded.

And should those "what ifs" become a reality at some point in life...
Then God.

As I shared with Mal around that worn table Wednesday evening...

The one that meals have been eaten at...
School has been completed...
Intense discussions talked through.

Crafts completed...
Prayers prayed...
Journal entries finished...

When that "what if game" begins to take place in our minds, we either need to leave the board shut from the on-set OR we need to play it on out to the finish...
Because in the end...
Satan will NEVER win.

He always wants us to cower under when the game gets intense...
He convinces us to quit when we can't see past the despair...
He tempts us to sell short of the victory that Jesus has already guaranteed.

His goal is to encapsulate us in those suffocating spaces on the board labeled...
FEAR
WORRY
HOPELESS

But you know what, if we choose to leave the board closed from the first invitation...
The temptation to fall prey is non-existent.

Yet if we find we are in the midst of the contest before we even realize it, play it out until the end...
For in the end...
God is always, always, always there.

What if cancer...then God.
What if death...then God.
What if trial...then God.
What if pain...then God.

He is that "YOU WON" on the final square.

Sometimes we simply need reminded.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

~Psalm 139:7-10

Be strong and courageous.

Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,

for the LORD your God goes with you;

He will never leave you nor forsake you.

~Deuteronomy 31:6

And no, our girls don't sleep with us...
But if we had a California King, they just might. :)
(At least on nights that sleep didn't come easy...)

I See It As A Gift...

Today...
Is my birthday.

I don't share this tidbit of information in order to get well wishes or to brag...
Yet I share this because today...
Because today, I celebrate life. ♥

Many people dread getting older...
I see it as a gift.

Many people get depressed as the numbers climb...

I see every extra tally mark as opportunity redeemed.

Many people "hide" their age...
I see it as a testimony of God's faithfulness.

Many people want gifts...
The gifts I have are immeasurable, invaluable, unexplainable.

Many people want to be "recognized"...
Today, I recognize Dad & Mom...
Parent's who, against other's wishes, chose to have one more.

Who chose to conceive me...
Keep me...
Carry me...
Bring me into this world.

Two people who cared for me...

Raised me...

Loved me...

Nurtured me...

And pointed me in the way of the cross.

A man & a woman...
With the help of God...
Shaped me into the person I am today.

Many people want their special day all about them...
I want today to be just like every other day...
A day to love...
Laugh...
Live.

As Kyle & I lay in the bed the other morning, he said, "I never dreamed life could be this wonderful." ♥
"Me, either." ♥

Yet it is... ♥

It hasn't always been this way...
Thus the reason it means what it does. ♥

God is a redeemer of all things broken...
And He redeemed our marriage...
Our family...
Our home.

Today it is a most beautiful picture within & without...

I give God utmost praise for that reality.

As my birthday approached, MaKayla drilled me regarding what I wanted to do, what I wanted to eat & how I wanted to spend the day. "You make everyone else's birthdays so special..."

"Honey, every day is special to me... Just being with your dad & You & Mal... Living life... Sharing life... Embracing life... School... Reading aloud... Sewing... Laundry... Meals... Dishes... I. Love. Life. God has given me the best of everything I could ever want... But thank you..."

Kyle had planned to surprise me & take the weekend & today off, yet after the phone call he received Wednesday afternoon we both knew that work was where he needed to be...

And for the first time in my all-too-selfish life, 

I was more than okay with that decision...

As we crawled into bed last night & curled up next to one another he whispered, "I'm grateful that I get to wake up & be the very first person to tell you, 'Happy Birthday' tomorrow." ♥

Simply put, that's gift enough for me... ♥

He is my greatest treasure in this life. ♥

So today...
If Mal wants to do school, we will.
If MaKayla wants to sew, she can.

If not...
We will read...
And work on our newest 1,000 piece puzzle.

We will cook...
And make noodles...
And pick up the house.

And be together. ♥

This life is so much more than I ever could have asked for...
Or dreamed of...
Or hoped to experience.

God has lavished so many rich blessings upon me...
And...
I.
Am.
Thankful.

The Lord has done great things for me, 

and I am filled with joy.

~Psalm 126:3