Not bad...
Just heavy.
Lots on our hearts...
Much on our minds...
A continual cycle of prayer & intercession.
By Wednesday the weightiness was closing in on Mal.
Sickness...
Surgeries...
Terminal diagnoses...
Multiple situations...
People we love...
Hurting...
Struggling...
Searching for a way to deal with the trying events of life.
Hard for an adult...
Difficult for a child/adolescent.
I saw it happening...
Withdrawn...
Quiet...
In another world.
She was processing...
Just not in a productive/fruitful way.
I'm not the kind of parent who just lets things be. I want to know... Both of our girls are very well aware that if I sense a struggle within either of them, we need to talk. Sure, I give them a bit of time to work through things on their own with God's help but if I don't see things begin to turn around, we need to have a heart-to-heart. ♥
This was one area of mine & Kyle's marriage that took years to resolve. He's more of a stuffer. I am most definitely a communicator. Growing up, he learned the denial method of coping...just don't openly talk about things & eventually they will go away or resolve themselves. I was the type of kid who needed comfort, assurance & nearness when things in life were hard to understand or seemed out of control. Thus the reason I slept with my mom until I was sixteen years old... Don't judge. :) (Dad worked nights so his half of the bed was empty...)
As a little girl when life was unsettling I can remember trying to quietly creep my way into Dad & Mom's bed only for Dad to ship me back to my own abode. And then when I was a bit older a drunk driver crossed the center line & struck the car my aunt was riding in... That accident left her in the hospital for many weeks & I recall after visiting her in the ICU, going home with that image ingrained in my mind... I would lay at the end of Dad & Mom's bed & shake... Anxiety. It was something that I used to battle in big ways...
For many years...
And then God delivered me...
He showed me the "how" of dealing.
As we sat around the supper table Wednesday evening, the "safe place" that it is, I began feeling Mal out.
"Are you okay?"
"How are you feeling?"
"What is circulating in the grey matter of your mind?"
And then the table was full...
Of thoughts...
Of tears...
Of concerns...
Things continued to spill...
Of worries...
Of fears...
Of, "What ifs..."
Ignoring things of such never magically make them go away...
She & I have had similar conversations before...
But sometimes we need reminded.
Life is hard.
Sickness is rampant.
Disease seems to permeate.
Cancer is at every turn...
Death is no respecter of persons.
And as we hear it...
And process it...
And internalize it...
Satan begins the game of deception...
"What if..."
Before we even realize it, we jump into the game he has dared us to play...
And the more we participate...
The more we are consumed.
With despair...
And fear...
And worry.
We lose sight of the final square on the board...
We begin to entertain those thoughts & emotions...
And then he tries to solidify them in our hearts as truth...
And if our hearts aren't guarded...
We believe him.
I've been there...
Have you?
As we sat around our well-worn, years-old, brown, wooden table...
Nicks from cutting noodles...
And pie crusts...
And veggies for soups & salads...
Burn marks from candles-too-hot...
And warped center seams...
And legs that wobble...
Coffee sipped...
Tears fallen...
The Word read...
We talked...
As a family.
We shared the specifics of the weights that seem so heavy on our shoulders.
The precious people...
The hard situations...
The circumstances that go beyond our understanding.
It's life...
Period.
Not just Mal...
But each of us...
All four of these hearts.
And as we talked about the "what ifs"...
We concluded with a truth that I learned years back in a study I did...
What if...
Then God.
Life is life & from the second Adam & Eve "chose" in the Garden of Eden...
Their disobedience...
Their sin...
Their choice to do contrary to what God instructed...
Life has been hard.
In a split second...
In one choosing...
In a single decision to believe the enemy...
Perfect life as God designed it...
Ceased to exist.
Yet God remained.
He still does.
Sometimes we need reminded.
That even when day-to-day living seems bigger than we can handle...
And situations are more than we can understand...
And it feels like the trials & difficulties of life are closing in...
God remains.
Period.
But all-too-often we jump into that "dare game"...
And all focus is lost.
Our attention goes from God...
To desperation...
And fear...
And worry...
And hopelessness...
We start entertaining the "what ifs"...
And simply stop there.
We stop there & entertain every worst-case scenario imaginable.
And then the cancer eats at us in the spiritual, mental & emotional realm.
Our faith is diminished...
Our outlook is grim...
Our fear grows.
Hope is a distant reality...
Worry is our friend...
And the walls grow closer & closer & closer...
Suffocation of the worst kind.
And then someone comes along & says...
"Are you okay?"
"How are you feeling?"
"What is circulating in the grey matter of your mind?"
"Let me help you...
Let me point you to the One who can breathe the breath of life back into you..."
The Restorer of hope.
The Renewer of peace.
The Rebuilder of faith.
The Reviver of strength.
Sometimes we just need reminded.
And should those "what ifs" become a reality at some point in life...
Then God.
As I shared with Mal around that worn table Wednesday evening...
The one that meals have been eaten at...
School has been completed...
Intense discussions talked through.
Crafts completed...
Prayers prayed...
Journal entries finished...
When that "what if game" begins to take place in our minds, we either need to leave the board shut from the on-set OR we need to play it on out to the finish...
Because in the end...
Satan will NEVER win.
He always wants us to cower under when the game gets intense...
He convinces us to quit when we can't see past the despair...
He tempts us to sell short of the victory that Jesus has already guaranteed.
His goal is to encapsulate us in those suffocating spaces on the board labeled...
FEAR
WORRY
HOPELESS
But you know what, if we choose to leave the board closed from the first invitation...
The temptation to fall prey is non-existent.
Yet if we find we are in the midst of the contest before we even realize it, play it out until the end...
For in the end...
God is always, always, always there.
What if cancer...then God.
What if death...then God.
What if trial...then God.
What if pain...then God.
He is that "YOU WON" on the final square.
Sometimes we simply need reminded.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
~Psalm 139:7-10
Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
for the LORD your God goes with you;
He will never leave you nor forsake you.
~Deuteronomy 31:6
But if we had a California King, they just might. :)
(At least on nights that sleep didn't come easy...)
