When Someone Hurts...

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a "fixer" and there is nothing that cuts me deeper than when someone I love hurts & no matter what I do (or don't do), I can't "fix" them, change them or help them. They are stuck in that miry clay that God's Word talks about (Psalm 40:2) & regardless of how hard I try or how much energy I exert, my strength simply isn't sufficient enough to pull them up & out. You see it in their eyes. You hear it in their voice. You feel it in their presence. They're stuck... And in turn, you feel stuck too.

Your encouragement is as sand falling through open fingers & you feel helpless.
It's a lonely place & your heart hurts.
For them & for you.

All too often we want to "do" something to "fix" the problem and the person.

You feel angry at the deceiver.
You long for their joy to be full again.
You simply want them to see God clearly.

The temptation to get frustrated is very real.
You become weary.
And in all essence, you are on the threshold of giving up.

Satan whispers in your ear, "Why try? It's obvious what you are doing isn't working..."
For a moment you listen...
You contemplate...
You resist his tactics and in turn, he must flee. God's Word say it & God's Word is Truth.

It's when you're in this arena that God intervenes...

I am a student-at-heart who loves to learn through any & every situation...especially things of God. I'm not a fan of fiction books, plain & simple. I don't judge/condemn people who read them by any degree (simply a personal preference/conviction) but when I take the time to read something, I want it to change me from the inside out. I want it to be real. I want to walk away enriched & stronger in my walk with Christ. For Christmas Kyle added another book to my "teaching Mendi's heart collection". ;) I had never heard of the book or the author so when I picked it up for the first time a week or so ago I figured I would read a few pages & get bored with it. Probably because of where I'm at in life & that blah mode I have been residing in, my heart was captivated from the first chapter & I have simply devoured it. I am always amazed when God divinely orders something very unexpected and yet it lines up with exactly where I'm at spiritually. This book is no exception.

Since the first of the year, to correlate with the Wednesday evening class I am leading, I have been doing an in-depth study on intercessory prayer. Subsequently I have also been pursuing a personal study in regard to the armor of God which is our sole protection when we enter into spiritual battles. Amazingly God has intertwined both studies beautifully with my current read. It's as if it's another color of thread has been added to pull the tapestry together.

As I sat & read yesterday morning, these words were absorbed by my eyes & planted deep within my heart, "When we intercede, instead of physically jumping in to save the day, we allow the Holy Spirit to direct, correct, and clarify desires and circumstances. Perhaps the reason this type of prayer is diminishing is we become so busy trying to rearrange the circumstances that as we gather the burden into our own packs, we then forget to strap that pack onto God's back. If we try to carry the pack, backs will break and hope will shatter."

It's taking that person's burden, pain & struggle on as if it were our own, yet taking it on in order to give it over to Christ. 

Not jumping in to be the hero.
The savior.
The "fixer".

Jumping in to carry the weight of their load to the cross...

...especially when they have no strength left to carry it themselves.

All is grace in God's perspective.
Nothing is wasted.
No pain.
No heartache.
No trial.

He promises to work all things for our good & all things for His glory when our hearts are bent toward Him.

That's a promise from His Word.
His Word is Truth.
Truth I will stand on.

Acknowledge...

That post that I did back on March 20th... Well, I ran into that precious friend again a few days ago at Wal-Mart & guess what??? She reminded me "that it had been awhile"...

So here I am...
Blogging...
It's no lie.
I love to blog.
I love to collect my thoughts.
I love to pen my thoughts.
I love to share my thoughts.
But life for me lately has been an intense struggle. And since I didn't figure it would do anyone any good to hear my lament of despair, I steered clear of blogging. Besides, until about two weeks ago, I couldn't even come close to collecting my thoughts. I just lived in a fog, doing life, going from one thing to another... Day in & day out.

I don't EVER come even close to admitting that big "D word" but three weeks ago this coming Friday, Jesus & I had a moment... Just the two of us. I was walking through the living room in a stupor & He said, "Mendi, look at yourself. Acknowledge how you are feeling. Acknowledge how you are coping. Acknowledge your actions & your thoughts & your reactions. Acknowledge the difference in who you were & who you are." In an instant as I processed each of those things that the Lord asked me to acknowledge, I had no choice other than to admit that I was depressed. I really didn't even see it until I took to heart the words & exhortation of that Still Small Voice. There was no denying. I went to Kyle & I's bedroom, snuggled under his side of the covers, cuddled up to his pillow, breathed deep his scent & rested in Jesus. When Kyle called on his morning break, I shared with him how I was feeling & he assured me that he would be covering me in prayer. I would have to say that there is something vastly different about hearing from God & being gently enlightened by Him of your mental/emotional state rather than "getting that info" from a physical human being. When it's from a "person" rather than Jehovah, I feel accused, threatened, intimidated & exposed but when it comes from God Himself, I can bear my heart open before Him & acknowledge that what He says is Truth. He knows me better than any other. He sees my heart. He knows my hurts. He feels my burdens. He shares the heaviness. He weighs my motives. To be honest, once He spoke... Once I listened... Once I acknowledged... A wave of freedom washed over me. I didn't have to wonder any more, "Why am I feeling the way I feel?" Now I knew. Now I could seek deliverance. Now I could move forward. Talk about liberating... Isn't that the blessedness & richness of Jesus?

 The past several weeks have been difficult to say-the-least, but minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day, through the Lord's great love, compassion, mercy, strength & patience, I am seeing more light & less fog. I was never in the "rolled in a ball, weeping state" (except for the afternoon of the revelation), but what I was feeling was real. When I shared with MaKayla how I was feeling,what I was thinking and how the Lord has spoken, she said, "Mom, I see it. I agree." Together, she & I had an invaluable visit. It confirmed a lot of things in my heart & magnified things a little/a lot more so that I could see even clearer than before. After all, she is with me all day every day. She sees things I am blind to.

 Life had just gotten big & I was overwhelmed. I had been taking very little purposeful time with the Lord. There had been very little time for Kyle & I to just be together... Things were mounting, building, escalating... That next morning was a Saturday & Kyle had the day off of work so he & I laid in bed & talked for a very long time. He shared his heart. I shared mine. We took one thing at a time & visited about how best to pray or what needed to be done in each situation. We regrouped. Since that time, although it hasn't been easy, I am regaining my joy & I am seeing much purpose in the valley the Lord had allowed me to enter. He's been refining me. Stretching me. Stripping me. I am learning the true essence of humility.

During the worship service this past Sunday as part of Pastor Bob's message, he asked people to share testimonies about God's glory & faithfulness. I was in charge of running the projector this Sunday, but felt the Lord tugging on my heart, so I reluctantly walked down the stairs & shared that during Kyle's lengthy, chronic illness, I didn't find it terribly difficult to glorify the Lord. I couldn't control the situation & I saw God's faithfulness all around yet I am finding that it's in the little things in life that I fall short of glorifying Him. It's in those circumstances when the answer isn't immediate & the path is unclear that I wane. It's in those every day situations that I fail to trust in His faithfulness. It's in the seasons that I "can't see" that I get impatient & allow myself to be blinded to His glory. And I'm finding that the less I trust, the more impatient I am. And the less impatient I am, the less I glorify. And the less I glorify, the deeper of a rut I dig for myself. And the deeper the rut I dig, the darker the way seems. And the darker the way seems, the more deception Satan lords over me. And the more deception I allow Satan to lord over me, the less hope I have... In absolute humility, I am learning to trust even when the road seems long, the way seems foggy & the view is obscure.

This too shall pass...
I just want to make sure that I get from point A to point B with a change & a gain...
Not with a loss...