Acknowledge...

That post that I did back on March 20th... Well, I ran into that precious friend again a few days ago at Wal-Mart & guess what??? She reminded me "that it had been awhile"...

So here I am...
Blogging...
It's no lie.
I love to blog.
I love to collect my thoughts.
I love to pen my thoughts.
I love to share my thoughts.
But life for me lately has been an intense struggle. And since I didn't figure it would do anyone any good to hear my lament of despair, I steered clear of blogging. Besides, until about two weeks ago, I couldn't even come close to collecting my thoughts. I just lived in a fog, doing life, going from one thing to another... Day in & day out.

I don't EVER come even close to admitting that big "D word" but three weeks ago this coming Friday, Jesus & I had a moment... Just the two of us. I was walking through the living room in a stupor & He said, "Mendi, look at yourself. Acknowledge how you are feeling. Acknowledge how you are coping. Acknowledge your actions & your thoughts & your reactions. Acknowledge the difference in who you were & who you are." In an instant as I processed each of those things that the Lord asked me to acknowledge, I had no choice other than to admit that I was depressed. I really didn't even see it until I took to heart the words & exhortation of that Still Small Voice. There was no denying. I went to Kyle & I's bedroom, snuggled under his side of the covers, cuddled up to his pillow, breathed deep his scent & rested in Jesus. When Kyle called on his morning break, I shared with him how I was feeling & he assured me that he would be covering me in prayer. I would have to say that there is something vastly different about hearing from God & being gently enlightened by Him of your mental/emotional state rather than "getting that info" from a physical human being. When it's from a "person" rather than Jehovah, I feel accused, threatened, intimidated & exposed but when it comes from God Himself, I can bear my heart open before Him & acknowledge that what He says is Truth. He knows me better than any other. He sees my heart. He knows my hurts. He feels my burdens. He shares the heaviness. He weighs my motives. To be honest, once He spoke... Once I listened... Once I acknowledged... A wave of freedom washed over me. I didn't have to wonder any more, "Why am I feeling the way I feel?" Now I knew. Now I could seek deliverance. Now I could move forward. Talk about liberating... Isn't that the blessedness & richness of Jesus?

 The past several weeks have been difficult to say-the-least, but minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day, through the Lord's great love, compassion, mercy, strength & patience, I am seeing more light & less fog. I was never in the "rolled in a ball, weeping state" (except for the afternoon of the revelation), but what I was feeling was real. When I shared with MaKayla how I was feeling,what I was thinking and how the Lord has spoken, she said, "Mom, I see it. I agree." Together, she & I had an invaluable visit. It confirmed a lot of things in my heart & magnified things a little/a lot more so that I could see even clearer than before. After all, she is with me all day every day. She sees things I am blind to.

 Life had just gotten big & I was overwhelmed. I had been taking very little purposeful time with the Lord. There had been very little time for Kyle & I to just be together... Things were mounting, building, escalating... That next morning was a Saturday & Kyle had the day off of work so he & I laid in bed & talked for a very long time. He shared his heart. I shared mine. We took one thing at a time & visited about how best to pray or what needed to be done in each situation. We regrouped. Since that time, although it hasn't been easy, I am regaining my joy & I am seeing much purpose in the valley the Lord had allowed me to enter. He's been refining me. Stretching me. Stripping me. I am learning the true essence of humility.

During the worship service this past Sunday as part of Pastor Bob's message, he asked people to share testimonies about God's glory & faithfulness. I was in charge of running the projector this Sunday, but felt the Lord tugging on my heart, so I reluctantly walked down the stairs & shared that during Kyle's lengthy, chronic illness, I didn't find it terribly difficult to glorify the Lord. I couldn't control the situation & I saw God's faithfulness all around yet I am finding that it's in the little things in life that I fall short of glorifying Him. It's in those circumstances when the answer isn't immediate & the path is unclear that I wane. It's in those every day situations that I fail to trust in His faithfulness. It's in the seasons that I "can't see" that I get impatient & allow myself to be blinded to His glory. And I'm finding that the less I trust, the more impatient I am. And the less impatient I am, the less I glorify. And the less I glorify, the deeper of a rut I dig for myself. And the deeper the rut I dig, the darker the way seems. And the darker the way seems, the more deception Satan lords over me. And the more deception I allow Satan to lord over me, the less hope I have... In absolute humility, I am learning to trust even when the road seems long, the way seems foggy & the view is obscure.

This too shall pass...
I just want to make sure that I get from point A to point B with a change & a gain...
Not with a loss...