What Does Maturity Look Like... How Would Maturity Show Forth...

It's a gloomy, gray & rainy day here. The wind is swift yet the breeze is warm...at least for mid-November. The weather we have been experiencing for this time of year has been phenomenal. Other than a few frost-bitten nights, the days have been mildly wonderful. But since our home has been filled with snot & sneezing... Coughs & Kleenexes... We haven't been out much. First, Mal & then Kyle...causing him to miss a day of work. Sunday night I wanted to hog-tie & muzzle him. Snort, sniff. Toss, turn. Cough, moan. Up & down. Bathroom. Drink. Throat lozenge. Bathroom. Blowage of the nose. Coughage of the throat. Slurping of the water. Bathroom. Snort, sniff. Toss, turn. Cough, moan. Goodness... He & I had a pleasant conversation the next morning at the difference between women/moms with illness & men/fathers who are ailing. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing men but this is the real deal... Seriously. And the internet says there is proof that sickness with men is more intense than with women... Go figure. Maybe my patience should have waned longer... :) I put all things in perspective & remind the ailing often, "It could be the pukes..." They quickly relent their misery. :) In the midst of it all, life continues on. ♥

My lengthy blogpost is nearly finished & will soon be filed into the hidden archives. So much understanding, freedom & release comes in doing the painful & although I had to push myself to continue on, I am so thankful that I did. Honestly, putting thought to finger is a means of revelation, wisdom & redemption for me. Getting my thoughts out gives me the ability to let loose & move forward. With the sentiments of my heart documented, I can free up that portion of storage space...in my mind...in my heart...in my spirit. I can let it go & let God work it out. So blessed by friends who challenge me to do that which would be easier to bury...suppress...harbor yet what benefit are any of those things? None at all. To anyone. And gives Satan the opportunity to continually resurface. No thanks. I'm in search of freedom, not bondage. I may post a few of the excerpts that I feel may be beneficial to others & where specific details lack disclosing... Love is the rule... Love protects. ♥

Something that has been wafting in & out of my mind & that God keeps showing forth glimpses of is maturity. Maturity. And most of us as adults would think that since we are adults, we are mature. But I wonder...are we? The areas God has been showing glimpses of, He asks, "What does maturity look like in this situation? How would maturity show forth in that response?" It's made me do a lot of thinking & searching. Seeking & evaluating.

I have a small, diverse, humble circle of women on facebook who belong to a closed group that I created a year or so ago. It's a group that I comb for thoughts... Insight... Understanding... Most of them have never met, don't know one another or have no association with each other yet we are all sisters...in Christ. I am grateful for their sporadic fellowship & transparent hearts in this journey of life. So grateful. Last week's question was, "In doing some study this morning I am attempting to comprise a list of specific marks of maturity. I have a few things penned but wanted to ask for further thoughts on what you see/deem as attributes of spiritual & emotional maturity? Anyone willing to share?" One humble heart shared that she was having such an "immature week" that she wasn't sure she could identify with maturity. Haven't we all been there? Transparency at it's finest. :) One mentioned humility & another selflessness. A few others... An open mind, willing to look at both sides of anything. As well as turning the other cheek & taking more flack than we deserve. Another sweet sister who I have never personally met yet have deeply grown to love & respect (and someday hope to sit across the table from) first said the Fruit of the Spirit came to her mind & then added, "When the Bible uses the word 'perfect' it can mean mature, particularly in the NT. (Like when it says in Timothy that the man of God be perfect.) Job was called perfect in the same verse he was described as upright, feared God & eschewed evil." Ah...this resonated. And compelled me to dig...deep...into God's Word. Her response sharpened me into looking past surface maturity & searching to know how God sees & defines maturity. Do any of you know how I passionately wish & wish passionately that I could weekly sit with a group of women to dig & search & seek...together...over coffee or hot tea...with Bibles wide open...and hearts lain bare? In order to know more?

I had already scribbled several thoughts of revelation in my journal...

Content...
Peaceful...
Focused.

And as I worked around the house, the Lord would place more on my heart...

Certain...
Intentional...
Resolved.

And as I reflected on how I processed life, more filtered in...
And I was enlightened to my "lacking".

Unshaken...
Assertive...
Unselfish.

Bit-by-bit...my list grew...

Not emotionally driven...
Doesn't minimize others...
Solid.

The ability to distinguish correction from criticism...

Conviction from condemnation...

Sharpening from ridicule.

Consistent...
Quiet-at-heart...
Owns mistakes.

Lives in the Spirit rather than in the flesh...

Self-discipline...
Sees personal weakness as a means of growth...
Isn't prone to self-pity/self-martyrdom.

Loving and forgiving as a child would...

Thinking and responding as an adult.

Doesn't feel the need to defend oneself...
Faces adversity rather than runs from it...
Desires to grow/enlarge others.

Mature people are aware of the desires, feelings & purposes of those around them as a means to not intentionally offend yet they don't "own" those desires, feelings & purposes themselves.

Faces conflict with humility & courage...
Rejoices with others in their accomplishments...
Takes ownership of responsibility.

Mature people know who they are, how & what they believe. 

They take ownership of their individual feelings, desires, purposes & emotions & they not only fail to ask others to take ownership/responsibility for those things but they, as well, don't allow others to diminish, discourage, negate or devalue the person they are.

Isn't easily provoked or quickly angered...
Doesn't use manipulation to get their own way...
Not an excuse-maker.

Receives correction, conviction & sharpening with grace...

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

If I placed a big, red ouch beside each area that I know without any question that I fall short in, well, you would think vastly different of me.

If I graded myself on this list above & marked a bold, red check mark near the ones I am lacking in, my grade would be one of failure.

Considering the list thus far, how do you see yourself in light of maturity?

There is NO drama in the heart of a mature person.

Drama that says...

Look at me...

Feel sorry for me...

Take pity on me...

See how wonderful I am...

Please place your attention on me.

As my one sister-in-Christ shared, some days/weeks I do fairly well & others...well...epic fail. This compilation really stretched me & gave me much to think about & consider. Honestly, it's made me more aware of when I know I am not acting or responding in a mature manner & it reminds me...

It reminds me that I am 40-something & God expects me to act as such...

I mean really, when we act or respond in an immature manner, what does this do to our Christian witness & our integral character? These aren't elementary concepts however how often do we truly evaluate? For me, not near enough.

~maturity~ 

*The ability to respond to the environment in an appropriate manner.

Appropriate manner... Yep, if I compare that statement to the list above, it works.

*This response is generally learned rather than instinctive.

Interesting... Maturity is learned... Somewhere... At some point... From someone. Maturity doesn't just happen. Which means that since we are adults, people, of all ages, are watching us. Learning from us. This reality was enlightening & humbling. Someone watching could be modeling their level of maturity after me...

*Maturity also encompasses being aware of the correct time & place to behave and knowing when to act, according to the circumstances and the culture of the society one lives in.

This statement made me think of several things... It reminded me of MaKayla & Mal watching Barney as little tykes & learning that some voices are intended for inside use & some for outside. It makes me think of times when we tried to help kids understand that running outside or in a gymnasium is acceptable where inside a church or enclosed building is not. It stirs me to remember that certain conversations of sensitivity are acceptable with some people & some simply aren't. The list is endless...

Once I had this list tucked safely in my journal, I began studying Biblical/spiritual maturity... And I turned immediately to my concordance, commentary & Greek-Hebrew Bible. I first focused in on six specific Scriptures & after reading them individually, I expanded the study into reading the entire chapter where each verse originated in order to gain a better understanding. So that I made sure that what I was reading was in context.

"The goal of the Christian is expressed by the Greek word teleioteta, which is translated 'maturity'. The believer is to pursue maturity instead of going back to the initial rudiments of Christianity."

The questions that stir within me in correlation to that explanation are...
How many Christians have intentional, spiritual goals?
How many believers pursue spiritual maturity?

full-grown in mind and understanding
in knowledge of the truth
in Christian faith & virtue
irreproachable, blameless, fitted, complete, perfect, entire, whole
NOT to be confused with the Greek word anamartetos, meaning without sin or sinless.
the act of completing, finishing, a filling up

Do you notice all the things maturity is & the one thing it is not?

As I studied, the more God's Word became the solid, foundational platform that upholds that lengthy "surface list" outlined above.

1 Corinthians 2
Be mature in understanding & wisdom & then live by it. If the Spirit lives within me, I have understanding in regard to spiritual things. Do I accept that which the Spirit imparts? Do I apply it & live by it? Spiritual maturity does.

1 Corinthians 14
Mature individuals aren't self-edifying. They are always mindful of strengthening & encouraging the weak rather than "parading" their strengths. They don't seek what is best or most comfortable for themselves rather they consider the enlargement or furtherance of others. Is this how I live? Spiritual maturity does.

Ephesians 4
Maturity is keeping the bonds of peace & remaining unified with other Christians even when we may not agree. It is remaining consistent in what we know rather than being influenced by emotion or manipulation. For our goal is to sharpen one another & to encourage one another in the wake of eternity. To help those we share spiritual bloodlines with grow & be strong as we sojourn this side of Heaven. Are those my goals? What about you? Spiritual maturity does this.

Philippians 3
Maturity is leaving the past & the shame therein behind us. It is taking where we've been & where God has brought us & sharing it as a testimony of His goodness & faithfulness. It's using what we have learned to press on to find, gain & achieve that which Christ has in store for us. It is looking past differences with fellow believers in order to make much of Christ, all-the-while, seeking to gain understanding & clarity at the core of those differences. Do I do these things? Do I let shame go free when my sin is forgiven or do I stay connected to it? How about you? And is your greatest desire to make much of Christ even when other Christians don't agree with your position? And at the disagreement am I willing to continue searching until I know that I know that I know what God has shown me is Truth? And if I was seeing things wrong am I willing to acknowledge my ignorance in order to establish a stronger unity? Spiritual maturity does.

Colossians 1
Maturity is growing up in Christ. It's daily deepening our understanding & our knowledge of who He is & who He has created us, as His children, to be. It's moving past the milk & having a genuine hunger & desire for the meat. It's taking our eyes off of the temporal in order to strive for the eternal & having our focus being away from we, in the flesh & fixing our gaze on He, in the Spirit. Do you find yourself satisfied or are you always looking for something new to learn? Are you getting enough nourishment to just get by or are you consistently hungry for "the more"? Are you going deeper? Seeing further? Spiritual maturity never settles.

Hebrews 5
Maturity is knowing the basic principles of salvation & God's Word & moving beyond. It is the ability to move past the "stories", the familiar passages, the Scriptures that are flippantly used & having the ability to see the depth beyond the surface. It's building on the foundational truths. It's taking the wisdom/knowledge gleaned & applying it...putting it to use...working it out. Do I do this like I should? Or am I at times like the soil upon which the seed fell but didn't allow it to penetrate, take root & sprout in preparation for growth & the bearing of fruit? Spiritual maturity does.

Spiritual maturity is moving past the milk (basic teachings) & embracing the meat...

But we can't do that if we aren't in the Word.
Daily.

Babies don't stay babies...
Toddlers don't stay toddlers...
Adolescents don't remain adolescents.

Or at least they shouldn't...

And most would question if they did.

Yet sadly, the vast majority of Christians never advance beyond the stage in which they turned their lives over to Christ. Like all other transitions in life our walk with God is a gradual transformation by being stretched & challenged & nudged out of our comfort zone. It's moving past the elementary teachings & searching His Word to know more. To gain a better understanding. To gain wisdom on who He wants us to be. But how many are willing to put forth the effort? What number of Christians are comfortable right where they are? And have no desire to be anything or anyone different?

That list above...
Pushes me...
Stretches me...
Challenges me.

The ability to see past the surface of another person's heart to the truth & depth therein yet without the compulsion to judge, condemn or offend...

It reminds me that I've come a long way from where I was but reveals that I still have a long way to go.

As I've pondered this I see where the church itself is partially responsible yet we as individuals are responsible as well. Many pastors continue to teach the pablum (as my pops refers to it) & fail to place the meat in front of their congregations. They shy away from the complicated teachings or the areas that could cause unrest, discomfort or confusion. However isn't that where transformation most often takes place? Isn't that where you see the most growth in children? When they are encouraged to go from crawling to walking? When teething takes place? When they have to stop using their fingers to feed themselves & are challenged to use a fork & spoon? Transition is a part of everyday life...except in our walk with Christ. We don't want anyone to feel offended/convicted... So we just stick to the familiar... The easy to understand... The things that don't stir controversy. Yet if the meat is never placed in front of us, how will we ever move beyond the milk?

And we remain immature...
Stunted...
Unlearned.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

~1 Corinthians 13:11

Because if we aren't being challenged to transform, grow & expand our knowing in the public meeting of worship, we must take responsibility, through the grace & influence of the Holy Spirit, to engage a deeper learning for ourselves.

It's essential.
And something we will be held accountable for.

Whether it's getting up earlier, staying up later or removing something from our schedule that carves time out & frees up space for study & prayer.

When it comes down to it, maturity is a choice. 

Whether of the secular nature or of the spiritual nature...

It's a reality that requires desire & effort...
Sacrifice & intentionality.

I look at my life & it's tempting to be deeply ashamed...
For so many reasons...
In so many areas.

I haven't handled things correctly nor have I responded in a responsible manner. I recognize so much immaturity in regard to my role as a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I see where I have acted in so many unbecoming ways with fellow Christians & unbelievers alike. I am reminded of moments where I could have been a tool of instruction but instead I allowed the other person/people no opportunity for learning. I acknowledge situations where I have been more of a disgrace to God rather than an instrument for His glory.

Those moments when I felt like I had to "prove" myself...
Or defend.

Those instances where instead of listening & remaining still...
I felt compelled to contribute my "two cents".

Those situations in which I felt intimidated or insecure...
And I recoiled into self-pity.

Those times that I knew I should be considering the other person...
And I could only think of self.

Those circumstances where an element of drama was added...
But was so unnecessary & only added an emotional twist  in order to place attention on me.

My heart confesses...

I am humbled...
I am repentant.

And now that I have been enlightened I have no excuse & every time I refer to this list I am reminded. I may often feel as though I have a "right" to act, respond or display an attitude as I wish yet such thinking is shallow; for God is continuously placing me in opportunities & situations where I can make much of Him & be an example to others.

He is showing me that in my "lacking", He desires to redeem me. Where in those "wasted years" with MaKayla & Mal, he longs to guide me in helping them see maturity for what it truly is. That I can genuinely apologize to them for the poor example I have been yet vow to point them in the right direction through my words, my attitude, my actions & my responses. That they can detect a difference in me & begin to repattern some of their "learned tendencies". ♥ I never meant to damage...that was my last intention & I am most thankful that ignorance can be redeemed through the grace of God & the blood of Christ.

So thankful...

For grace that covers...

And blood that cleanses.

If you've made it through this lengthy post, I would be humbled & honored to hear your thoughts. ♥

Was maturity modeled for you in your formative years?
Do you feel like you have a good grasp on maturity?
Are there areas after reading this where you see adjustments could be implemented?

Thank you for doing this Christ-following journey with me. ♥

Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.

~1 Corinthians 14:20

We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because  you are slow to learn.

In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you

the elementary truths of God's word all over again.

You need milk not solid food!

Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant,

is not acquainted with the teachings about righteousness.

But solid food is for the mature, 

who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.

Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity,

not laying again the foundation of repentance from the acts that lead to death,

and of faith in God, instructions about baptisms, the laying on of hands,

the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgement.

~Hebrews 5:14 - 6:1-2

Candidly...It's Selfish & Sinful.

It's a Monday...
A new day...
A new week...
A fresh, clean canvas.

A canvas for words to be written...

Paint to be splattered...
Ink to be embedded...
Creativity to be unfolded.

It's a canvas for lives to be impacted...
Hearts to be touched...
Love to be invested.

As a wife & a mom...
A friend & a sister-in-Christ...
This is how I discern God desiring me to look at the days ahead.

Mal & I are back in the full-swing of school mode & honestly, we are both loving it. Routine, responsibilities, challenges to be conquered & concepts to be learned. I can't even articulate how thankful I am for her diligence & determination as she purposes to be focused & resolved in mastering a new depth of instruction. This year has been much harder & has required much more time & attention than any other year thus far and at first, although it was daunting & overwhelming, she has been courageous & has risen to the tasks placed before her. ♥  I love her tenacity... ♥

And as I'm sure many of you are wondering, MaKayla is doing wonderful as well. Over the past several weeks she has fully embraced the life & role of being a farmer's wife & is finding much fulfillment & contentment therein. She's visibly happy, radiant & full of joy...such a gift to see firsthand.  As a mom, it's an inexplicable blessing seeing your children function where God has strategically placed them & I find my heart thankful. ♥

As both girls have settled well into this newness of life, I have found the freedom to settle back into typical life myself. I wish there were a way to express how thankful I am for the grace & mercy & strength & peace God has afforded us in the transition. After 21 years of doing life side-by-side, day in and day out, with very few days apart from one another, the moving from that life to this life, with the exception of a few minor instances where a short-lived meltdown has been present, it has been a natural shifting of seasons. Of course, we miss MaKayla's daily presence & invaluable contribution to our home & she misses us & our continual companionship yet when one is in their proper place, doing what God has entrusted them to do, with their eyes focused on Him, simply put, it just works. Prior to the Lord bringing a mate into MaKayla's life & in the weeks leading up to the wedding, with the help & guidance of the Holy Spirit, I did my best to prepare our family for the impending changes... I'm a hands-on wife/mom who doesn't wait for the signs of a threatening storm to be present before we take cover.

Safety...security...peace...strength...hope...anticipation...joy... These have been abundant these past several weeks & I can assure you, I don't take them for granted. ♥

I wish there were a way to express how thankful I am...

For me settling back into typical life means early-rising & immersing myself in God's Word before nature awakens. It means being nourished in spirit before the demands of the day approach me. It means giving God the opportunity to set my heart & mind at rest so that I can meet challenges with soundness & Truth. It means being quiet & listening to the Holy Spirit speak to me the words that God knows I need to hear...

Words of encouragement...

Words of correction...

Words of instruction.

These are the very things that sustain the life within me.

Morning-by-morning as I immerse myself in God's Word, He chooses to speak wisdom & truth to me. He chooses to grow me & challenge me. He chooses to change & shape & transform me. He chooses to breathe life within me. Life like I have never known... Scriptures awaken & become radiant. They meet me where I'm at & instruct me in the way I am to think & speak & act. They deepen & widen & broaden my understanding. They align my feelings & emotions with the solidity of Truth. Can I say it's always pleasant & easy to devour? Um, no. But is it always for my benefit & His glory? Most definitely. I would be lying if I didn't admit that the past several months of living have been the most stretching & taxing... And if I weren't a peacemaker at heart or I didn't give a thought more or less of what people thought... Of if I turned a blind eye or a deaf ear to anything & everyone with the exception of self... Or if I simply didn't care, than these things that have labored my heart & tested my being would have been non-existent & life would have been a breeze. But... I am a peacemaker & I do care what others think. Above all, I desire unity & harmony... And since I am not a person who very rarely thinks of self... Drowning out the desires & feelings of others simply isn't an option for me. Bottom line, I am a person who cares.

As I journey through Proverbs over & over & over again, God is specifically showing me how to approach those situations in life that are wearing & taxing & stretching. Those people who have a natural tendency to labor & test me. I am learning...

And in this learning He speaks loudly & consistently...
He guides me step-by-step...
Day-by-day...
Situation-by-situation...
In a way that no human being could guide...

For He knows my heart & He sees therein.

In the coming days & weeks I long to find time to articulate those things here...as a record & as a testimony. As a means to look back & be reminded. Not just for me, but for MaKayla & Mal.

You know, I wish I could write one of those colorful, flowery, filled-to-the-brim-with-happiness posts that people eagerly anticipate covering the details of Dillon & MaKayla's wedding that took place on September 6th but if I'm candid & real, I can't. And to be honest, that is the post I am working up the courage to compose that more than likely most will never read with the exception of that one friend who asked me to put it together as a means of therapy & healing for my aching heart. No, I'm not being dramatic or exaggerating things that weren't as if they were, because they were. They are. I'm just saying... I can't... For it wasn't. And in the weeks following that September 6th event, I have been diligently & intently searching & seeking truths to heal & wisdom to align & instruction to correct & understanding to understand. And bit-by-every-little-bit, that which I am seeking & searching to discover, I am finding.

One big thing God has helped me to clearly see is that unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition between people gains no winners...or losers.

Think about it... Competition is an avenue to deem one person or team or group of people stronger, smarter, more skilled or more successful. It's a means to prove that one is greater with the other being lesser. One being primary with the other being secondary. One classified superior while the other is categorized as inferior. One being first-class while the other is seen as second-rate. One is declared the winner... The other declared...the loser. And once the declaration is made, one feels empowered & proud while the other is left feeling defeated & shamed. This reality is present in sports, corporate-world, academics & any trade in life. Sadly, it doesn't stop there... It exists in the arenas of parenting, marriage, every possible family relation (siblings, cousins, in-laws, aunts/uncles, grandparents, ect), friends, brothers & sisters in Christ...

And whether we want to acknowledge it or not...it's damaging.

Sure, competition can compel us to learn more... It can challenge us to try harder... It can propel us to hone skill. But for the purpose of what? To come out on top? To prove to someone else that we are stronger, smarter, richer? More favored, skilled or successful?

And although some competitions are known & recognized as such...
More than are, aren't.

You see, that second group that I spoke of a few paragraphs back...parenting, marriage, family relations, friends, brothers & sisters in Christ... The competing that is present & taking place within those ties & connections are most often unspoken.

And because sports teams are just sports teams & colleagues are just colleagues & students are just students, they compete & go their separate ways in life without the depth of emotional ties that the other relationships contain. It doesn't mean that long-term insecurity isn't instilled which very much disheartens me (especially among students & colleagues) yet the long-term implications & damages are less. Those tight-knit relationships are altogether something different. And should be treated as such. Yet we divulge...or at least I do. We want to be the one who does more or gives more... We want to be the one who gains the most attention & affection... We want to be admired & esteemed to a degree higher... We want to be the better cook or the more fashionable... We want to be the coolest or funnest or the more spiritual... We want to be the more gifted or talented or discerning... We want to be the stronger or wiser or favored... And sadly, many times, more times than not, we will do just about anything to achieve the prize...the award...the honor. When in all actuality, the "doing just about anything" damages...destroys...defeats...demeans, the one with whom we are secretly competing against. As well as ourselves. Candidly, it's selfish & sinful.

So why do we do it? Why do I do it? Why do you do it?

As God spoke to me nearly two weeks ago as I was toodling through our home doing housework, "Unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition gains no winners...or losers. Both "teams" just wear themselves out from trying, attempting, working to gain "victory" over the contest. How senseless. How can one win against another when one of the parties may not even know there is a game to be won? A victory to be had? A contest to be duked out? How senseless."

And when truthfully, what is there to compete for? And is it worth what it's costing us? Me? You?

If I'm competing for love or admiration, that should come from who I am not from what I do...
If I'm competing for strength or favor...either I have it or I don't. It shouldn't have to be proven.
If I'm competing for discernment or spirituality or giftedness...that's for God to administer.
If I'm competing for attention or affection...when I give it in abundance, it will be returned the same.
And if it's not, I will have done what I know is right & integral.
If I'm competing for admiration or esteem...what difference does it really make?
If I'm competing for fashion or coolness or fun or best cook award...I'm vain.

Competition breeds pride rather than humility...

But if all I am doing is trying to compete in order to prove or achieve, I am actually losing. And if I'm competing with my opponent unaware, I am competing amiss & I will eventually wear myself out & gain me an enemy (whether real or perceived) rather than an ally.

God is grieved when we compete & work against each other fostering...
Disunity.
Discord.
Unrest.
Contention.
Strife.
Bitterness.
Resentment.
Envy.
It divides those that should be intimately connected & it weakens the witness & testimony that He desires we be.

For in order to compete to win, certain attributes that God instructs against have to be present to seal a "victory"...
Manipulation.
Deception.
Trickery.
Craftiness.
Secrecy.

And it costs us that which is most valuable...
Peace & rest (spiritual, mental, emotional).
And unwavering joy.

Competition gains enemies rather than allies...

God desires we work together...
To compliment.
To strengthen.
To sharpen.
To enrich.
To encourage.
To enlarge.
To be a living example of what His Word instructs.

Bearing my heart, I would rather pool resources & combine diversity to create a newness of beauty or strengthen what is already present than to remain on separate teams where there is division rather than unification.

Although I don't have all the answers and, this side of heaven, never will have, God is graciously extending Himself to me in order that I might see things, situations, circumstances more clearly. He's revealing areas in my life that are more destructive than constructive. Areas that are minimizing my effectiveness in loving well & administering grace. Places that I have a tendency to criticize rather than appreciate. Positions where He simply wants me to take care of myself rather than worrying about anyone else.

Do you see unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition in your own life?

The same friend I spoke of in the last post shared with me sometime ago amidst a conversation we were having, "It is a time thing. It will grow. You will look back and see what is created. I know you well enough." You know, she is right. ♥

Time is allowing the wounds to get air, rest from abrasion, subside from trauma in order to promote healing. From the inside out. And through the process, I am learning.

Thankful I am. ♥

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ,

if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit,

if any tenderness & compassion, 

then make my joy complete by being like-minded,

having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,

but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Each of you should look not only to your own interests,

but also to the interests of others.

~Philippians 2:1-4

He Will Deliver You...

We are well into yet another week & each morning as the alarm on Kyle's phone rings out, telling us it's time to rise & shine, I thank God for a new day & all that He has in store. :) I can honestly say that although I am not always overly fond of the abrupting blast at 5 am, I do always look forward to spending time with Kyle before he heads out to work & I am eager to enjoy the day ahead with our girls. ♥

Even though life with girls is most always a joy & typically unpredictable (one never knows what might set someone "off" or make someone incandescently happy...yes, we make working on reigning in our emotions a continual reality...), as I walked through the living room Sunday afternoon I overheard Kyle mutter, "I hate hormones..." (Yes, with that much emotion...) I simply had to chuckle... :) For those of you out there solely raising girls, lacking any additional maleness to the equation, I pray God's grace is abundantly sufficient over your home and your husband. :) All joking aside, life with girls is wonderful. ♥

MaKayla has been busily working on a custom quilt that has proven to be a such an amazing learning opportunity for her. Fun yet challenging.

And Mal keeps occupied with school, school, school. Last week we received a Rainbow box (Rainbow deliveries are always exciting...) with a new science module since she is nearing the end of her current one. We chose to do Botany this time of year since hopefully the weather will at some point warm up & give us optimum opportunity to get the most out of the curriculum.

We've been keeping life at a low-key pace as Kyle continues to work six-day work weeks & with the exception of church on Sundays, a blank calendar is a wonderful thing.

Yesterday morning I spent a great amount of time journalling where God has had us & what I've reaped & harvested from this most painful yet most liberating chapter in our lives. Word after word, page after page, I found myself so regretful for allowing my vision to be blurred for so long yet so thankful for the grace that has carried, covered & protected not only myself, but our entire family through the "wandering". As the ink of pen saturated into the fiber of paper, God in His sovereignty brought back to remembrance...

"Do not get confused & caught up in the distraction of finding the "where", 

seek God."

&

"Last night on my knees I couldn't get past that God has something else for you guys.

I will continue to pray for Kyle & pray for peace for you & to give you direction."

Words of exhortation from a priceless, precious friend who cared more about our hearts than their personal emotions/feelings.
Words that were so timely & profound...
Words that I have clung tightly to...
Words that have carried me...
Words that have realigned my focus...
Time after time after time...

#1419 ~ confirming words from priceless friends

So many times the temptation was relentless to sell short & default to settling...
But then I remembered...

"Do not get confused & caught up in the distraction of finding the "where", 

seek God."

&

"Last night on my knees I couldn't get past that God has something else for you guys.

I will continue to pray for Kyle & pray for peace for you & to give you direction."

#1692 ~ Just You, God...

And as I flip through the ink-filled, tear-stained, black-lined journal pages documenting the heart-wrenching pain, struggle & anguish present in the preceding chapter of life, I am beyond grateful that the gate of that pasture is closed & the reality of a fresh, lush, fragrant, nourishing meadow beckons us. A meadow that speaks peace & rest & healing & simplicity & feeding of the organic kind. Void of additives & bondage & vanity & superficiality. Void of man's expectations yet abundant with the purity of God's. I truly have never experienced the manifestation of freedom on my life like I do now for as long as I can remember.

Singing 'He Arose' & 'The Old Rugged Cross Made the Difference' & 'Something Beautiful' & 'All Hail King Jesus' reminded me from whence I came...
And to Where, Whom I am returning.

#1693 ~ the reality of deliverance & freedom...

It reminded me once again, that simply put, this life isn't it.
God wants all of me...
Here...
Now...
In unfeigned form.

If you're in a place of "wandering" right now, unable to see the way ahead, hold fast to hope & do not be dismayed. Even in the struggle, the heartache & the pain, God has a purpose in your current suffering & as you keep your eyes fixed on Him, He will deliver you into the "better" He has prepared.

Thank you for taking this journey with me... ♥

Many blessings & lots of love to you this day... ♥

A Simple Pleasure To Start My Day...

I'm starting this post off just saying that one day weekends are NOT enough when it comes to "down time" with the one you love most. Kyle is back to working six-day work weeks & one single day together just isn't sufficient for either of us. We make it work & we do it with as little complaint as possible (what good does complaining do) BUT when Monday rolls around, my heart is sad to watch his tail lights trail off in the distance... ♥

Albeit short, the time we had together was sweet. Tom & Beth had asked us to meet them for supper & chat Saturday evening but by the time Kyle got home, changed the oil in MaKayla's car & got inside, we knew it would be a big rush to get there without having to make them wait... So we reluctantly took a raincheck & stayed home. A quick trip to our nearby grocery store & Kyle was done in. Asking questions that made no sense or ones that he already knew the answer to... Since his colectomy, he isn't quite as resilient as he used to be & his body wears down more rapidly. And when the body is tired, the mind is tired as well. We made single serving pizzas on corn shells, took in a few episodes of 'Duck Dynasty' (I love to watch Kyle chuckle through them) & then checked out to bed.

We had planned to visit a local church yesterday morning, one we have been longing to attend, but MaKayla was on bully duty & a puppy needed some immediate attention so off to the vet she went; puppy in tow. :) Mal rode along so Kyle & I stayed home, settled in at the dining room table with hot coffee in hand & our Bibles before us. We love to sit together & mull over what we are reading, what we are studying & how God is speaking & with the six-day work weeks he has been putting in, there is a shortage for time as such. It was a sweet time of fellowship & prayer & before we knew it the girls were back. Kyle & I fixed breakfast; me, gravy, he, homemade whole wheat biscuits. :) We sat as a family & talked & laughed & shared & enjoyed...being together...with God in our presence.

Many people question why we aren't yet getting "plugged in" at a "church"...
I'm thankful in times & seasons as such that God sees our hearts.
And knows our desires.

Someday we will again...
But for now, He is our focus.
He is our desire...
He is our longing...
To know Him in a different, deeper way...

Not just what is familiar...
Or typical...
Or acceptable...

But to know Him.
And His will.

It doesn't make sense to most people...
And that's okay.
We don't expect it to.

Simply put, it's where God has us.

Yesterday was a beautiful day where we live; 

a day that whets the appetite for the realization of SPRING.

We spent much of it outside...
Taking down Christmas lights/decorations...
Removing snow from our patio...
Keeping an eye on chicken in the smoker...
Caring for the animals...
Soaking up the sun...
Enjoying the much longed for warmth.
Being a family...together. ♥

And after I sent Kyle off to work & was tidying up the kitchen counter...
I found this sight...

And it made me smile. ♥
One of the girls neatly/deliberately/strategically lined up our worn sunglasses of yesterday... ♥

A simple pleasure to start my day. ♥
Unexpected.

Today is Monday & although the work/school week seemed to arrive again much too soon, I give God thanks & praise for another day of health & happiness...
Joy & purpose...
Meaning & richness...
Another day for opportunity...
Another day to grow closer to the One who loves me most.
Another day to know Him more.

As I finish this post, the promise of sunshine glows in the horizon...
Have a beautiful Monday! ♥

To Know Him...

MaKayla is on bully duty this morning. :) Checking in on & caring for several babies & one sweet momma. She was on duty last night, too, but Kyle was home, & with our recent snow & being unsure of how the roads would be, he went along. No chore for him since he loves spending time in the puppy room helping out. :) MaKayla knew she had to go back first thing this morning & although Mal & I had planned to join & assist her, as I spent time in the Lord's presence this morning (at the kitchen sink no less), He spoke something differently to my spirit.

MaKayla emerged from bed & sat with me at the dining room table while she gathered her bearings a bit. We chatted & then I asked her, "Would you like me to go along to help & in case you would have trouble or would you like me to stay here & have oatmeal waiting when you return?" She loved the oatmeal idea... ♥ No surprise coming from the heart of this one I love more than life... ♥ And then I said, "Do you want Mal to go along or would you like some alone time?" She pondered for a bit... I continued,

"Sometimes we need quietness with God... 

No one else. Just us & Him. Time to think... Listen... Be..." 

Her response, "I feel guilty..."

Why is that?
Why do we all-too-often feel guilty for spending alone time with our First Love?
Why do we see that relationship, the most important relationship, as one of less value?

Many times we put our time with God on the back burner...
Last in line...
One that can be manipulated...

In her presence, as I processed our early morning convo, The Lord reminded me of the place I found myself a week & a half ago...

Kyle was on vacation.
Life had been crazy.
For days on end.
Run here.
Go there.
Buy this.
Do that.
Up early.
To bed late.
So much that at one point I had to create this in order for me to keep my head clear & my anxiety in check...

I'm the type of person that after repeated days of nonstop motion, I get cranky... Just ask my family, or better yet, maybe you shouldn't & just take my word for it. :)
I need moments of quietness...
Aloneness...
Solitude...
Just me & Jesus. ♥

So by a week ago Monday, Kyle was quite scared of me (not kidding) & had NO IDEA what to do with me, how to handle me or whether it or not it was safe to even speak to me. Not good. Not good at all. I simply couldn't pull it together... I was checked out. Done in. Functioning on survival mode. Present, but really not. That afternoon I simply sat at the dining room table, opened my Bible & left this world... Kyle would try to ask me a question & then after scanning the expression on my face, would disappear to another location... He sporadically did this a few times (I'm sure thinking the next time he returned, I would have a new countenance) & then realized (after the failed attempts) I was a landmine that might erupt at any moment. (Disclosure: The girls readily recognize when Momma needs her space and veer clear... The love of my life just wants to help fix what it is that seems to be making me skeletal... Space & time. Sometimes, I just need space & time.) I read several chapters out of Revelation, allowed God to recalibrate my brain & found myself thanking God with everything that was within me, for the realization that, because of Jesus & His love for me, I will be spared of the judgement to come...

Tuesday met me with another early, up-and-out-of-the-house morning since both Kyle & I needed to have some bloodwork done & mine needed done while fasting. I reminded myself of the quote off of 'Finding Nemo', "Keep swimming. Just keep swimming..."

By Wednesday morning, which was unfortunately Kyle's last day at home, he & I finally had time to hunker down in the basement... Fireplace going... Quiet music playing... Bibles open... Coffee in hand... ♥ Bare, open hearts... ♥ Out of two weeks of vacation this was the only day we had to do this... Sad. Sad. Sad.

As I processed how I had been feeling, how I had been acting, how I had been responding & the whys of it all, God ever so gently spoke to my heart...

"Be still and know that I am..."

Stillness.
Stillness brings knowing...

I located this familiar Scripture in my Bible & went directly on-line to find the Greek/Hebrew meaning of what this actually imparts.
What does it mean to be still?
What does it mean to know?
For that was my heart's cry...

"Be still..." ~ cease striving

"To know..." ~ In Hebrew = Yadah
To know.
Intimately know.
Not just an acquaintance...
But bonded unity.

As a man & his bride.
As a wife & her lover.
Intimately.

Not just a cohabitant.
Not just a convenience.
But a knowing to the deepest parts... ♥

That's how God wants us to know Him.

Realistically that doesn't just happen...

I don't know Kyle as I do by just living with him...
Or cooking his meals...
Or doing his laundry...
Or sharing the same bed...
Or conceiving his children...

I know him because...

We invest in each other... ♥
Through serving...
Through loving...
Through forgiving...
Through compassion...
Through faithfulness...
Through understanding...

We share every fiber of our hearts with one another... ♥
Our fears...
Our joys...
Our sorrows...
Our anxieties...
Our longings...
Our dreams...
Our frustrations...

We hold one another accountable... ♥
Even when it hurts...

We raise children together... ♥

We stand by one another... ♥
Through the good...
Through the difficult...
Through the happy moments...
Through the sad times...
Through the ugliness (see paragraphs 8 & 9)...

We take time. ♥
We spend time. ♥
We share time. ♥

We enjoy each other. ♥

Our union is one that is unique to all other relationships in my life...  ♥
Things that just he & I share... ♥
No one else. ♥

As it should be... ♥

And as should be our union with God...

To know Him...

It doesn't just happen.

So as MaKayla & I sat at our dining room table this morning, I simply said, "Sometimes we need to romance God & sometimes we need to allow God to romance us. To create an atmosphere where we can intimately connect. To be alone with Him. To hear Him. To feel Him. To know Him. Don't feel guilty. Go."

And she did. ♥