To Know Him...

MaKayla is on bully duty this morning. :) Checking in on & caring for several babies & one sweet momma. She was on duty last night, too, but Kyle was home, & with our recent snow & being unsure of how the roads would be, he went along. No chore for him since he loves spending time in the puppy room helping out. :) MaKayla knew she had to go back first thing this morning & although Mal & I had planned to join & assist her, as I spent time in the Lord's presence this morning (at the kitchen sink no less), He spoke something differently to my spirit.

MaKayla emerged from bed & sat with me at the dining room table while she gathered her bearings a bit. We chatted & then I asked her, "Would you like me to go along to help & in case you would have trouble or would you like me to stay here & have oatmeal waiting when you return?" She loved the oatmeal idea... ♥ No surprise coming from the heart of this one I love more than life... ♥ And then I said, "Do you want Mal to go along or would you like some alone time?" She pondered for a bit... I continued,

"Sometimes we need quietness with God... 

No one else. Just us & Him. Time to think... Listen... Be..." 

Her response, "I feel guilty..."

Why is that?
Why do we all-too-often feel guilty for spending alone time with our First Love?
Why do we see that relationship, the most important relationship, as one of less value?

Many times we put our time with God on the back burner...
Last in line...
One that can be manipulated...

In her presence, as I processed our early morning convo, The Lord reminded me of the place I found myself a week & a half ago...

Kyle was on vacation.
Life had been crazy.
For days on end.
Run here.
Go there.
Buy this.
Do that.
Up early.
To bed late.
So much that at one point I had to create this in order for me to keep my head clear & my anxiety in check...

I'm the type of person that after repeated days of nonstop motion, I get cranky... Just ask my family, or better yet, maybe you shouldn't & just take my word for it. :)
I need moments of quietness...
Aloneness...
Solitude...
Just me & Jesus. ♥

So by a week ago Monday, Kyle was quite scared of me (not kidding) & had NO IDEA what to do with me, how to handle me or whether it or not it was safe to even speak to me. Not good. Not good at all. I simply couldn't pull it together... I was checked out. Done in. Functioning on survival mode. Present, but really not. That afternoon I simply sat at the dining room table, opened my Bible & left this world... Kyle would try to ask me a question & then after scanning the expression on my face, would disappear to another location... He sporadically did this a few times (I'm sure thinking the next time he returned, I would have a new countenance) & then realized (after the failed attempts) I was a landmine that might erupt at any moment. (Disclosure: The girls readily recognize when Momma needs her space and veer clear... The love of my life just wants to help fix what it is that seems to be making me skeletal... Space & time. Sometimes, I just need space & time.) I read several chapters out of Revelation, allowed God to recalibrate my brain & found myself thanking God with everything that was within me, for the realization that, because of Jesus & His love for me, I will be spared of the judgement to come...

Tuesday met me with another early, up-and-out-of-the-house morning since both Kyle & I needed to have some bloodwork done & mine needed done while fasting. I reminded myself of the quote off of 'Finding Nemo', "Keep swimming. Just keep swimming..."

By Wednesday morning, which was unfortunately Kyle's last day at home, he & I finally had time to hunker down in the basement... Fireplace going... Quiet music playing... Bibles open... Coffee in hand... ♥ Bare, open hearts... ♥ Out of two weeks of vacation this was the only day we had to do this... Sad. Sad. Sad.

As I processed how I had been feeling, how I had been acting, how I had been responding & the whys of it all, God ever so gently spoke to my heart...

"Be still and know that I am..."

Stillness.
Stillness brings knowing...

I located this familiar Scripture in my Bible & went directly on-line to find the Greek/Hebrew meaning of what this actually imparts.
What does it mean to be still?
What does it mean to know?
For that was my heart's cry...

"Be still..." ~ cease striving

"To know..." ~ In Hebrew = Yadah
To know.
Intimately know.
Not just an acquaintance...
But bonded unity.

As a man & his bride.
As a wife & her lover.
Intimately.

Not just a cohabitant.
Not just a convenience.
But a knowing to the deepest parts... ♥

That's how God wants us to know Him.

Realistically that doesn't just happen...

I don't know Kyle as I do by just living with him...
Or cooking his meals...
Or doing his laundry...
Or sharing the same bed...
Or conceiving his children...

I know him because...

We invest in each other... ♥
Through serving...
Through loving...
Through forgiving...
Through compassion...
Through faithfulness...
Through understanding...

We share every fiber of our hearts with one another... ♥
Our fears...
Our joys...
Our sorrows...
Our anxieties...
Our longings...
Our dreams...
Our frustrations...

We hold one another accountable... ♥
Even when it hurts...

We raise children together... ♥

We stand by one another... ♥
Through the good...
Through the difficult...
Through the happy moments...
Through the sad times...
Through the ugliness (see paragraphs 8 & 9)...

We take time. ♥
We spend time. ♥
We share time. ♥

We enjoy each other. ♥

Our union is one that is unique to all other relationships in my life...  ♥
Things that just he & I share... ♥
No one else. ♥

As it should be... ♥

And as should be our union with God...

To know Him...

It doesn't just happen.

So as MaKayla & I sat at our dining room table this morning, I simply said, "Sometimes we need to romance God & sometimes we need to allow God to romance us. To create an atmosphere where we can intimately connect. To be alone with Him. To hear Him. To feel Him. To know Him. Don't feel guilty. Go."

And she did. ♥