A Whisper...

It's a Wednesday. My Tuesday was gross. To the extreme.

Grateful for grace...

By the afternoon hours I found myself incredibly humbled & thankful for the gift & promise of grace. Grace that covers hurt & frustrations... Mistakes & unbridled passions. Grace that steps in & reminds this heart of mine Whose I am & who I am to be. Especially in the midst of smoldering embers that have become engulfed...

The past several days I have awakened sluggish & unable to mentally move. Not like in a depressed, despondent kind of way (I very well know what that feels like) but in a way where cylinders weren't firing & every thought was foggy. I tend to forget, due to a hysterectomy, that I have hormones which cycle ever so often & those unrecognized hormones coupled with exhaustion are a dangerous concoction. Yesterday I awoke lethargic just like I did Sunday & Monday but as the morning progressed, situations beyond my control sprinkled gas on some embers that had been smoldering since late last week (or for the past forty years of my life). Embers that I knew were present yet embers that were under control (or so I thought)... Until fuel kissed them. One instance after another in a short amount of time found those embers fully engulfed & before I knew it, what was once controlled, quickly grew out-of-control.

Trivial junk...all of it. But when suppressed smoldering embers are kissed with fuel, it's never a good situation. 

The passions within my heart were already warmed & Satan knew exactly what buttons to push in order for those passions to go from warm to hot. And push my buttons, he did. Instance by instance I knew what was happening & did my best to keep things in check but it comes to a point where reasoning somewhere slips away... I was on the cliff of demise & found myself peeking over...placing my toes on the edge...considering the "what ifs" of jumping... I toyed but I didn't. At one point I was dangling one foot & then the Holy Spirit pricked my heart... I knew He was issuing a warning. That Still Small Voice... Not a scream yet a whisper. I listened.

Grace.

As the day continued to unfold, God kept reiterating, "It's none of your business. Mendi, it's none of your business. It concerns you not yet you are making it your concern. Let it go & let me be God. Disconnect yet don't become bitter. Separate yourself yet love. Temper yet remain soft."

How does one do that anyway?

Disconnecting without becoming bitter?

Separating while still exhibiting love?

Tempering while preserving a soft & moldable heart?

Grace.

And a will that surrenders itself to God's.

Laying down vengeance...

Turning over control...

Forfeiting entitlement.

As day gave way to evening, I found myself so ever thankful for grace. Thankful that the day I had just lived, would soon be over & that a fresh measure of mercy & compassion would meet me anew at the start of this Wednesday. Thankful that a whisper kept me from doing something that could have been unredeemable. Thankful that God is ever before me & beside me. Behind me & around me. Guiding. Leading. Encouraging. Counseling. Showing me the better way.

I woke this morning, thankful. And as I logged into fb, I saw a sweet sisterfriend's post that resonated within mine & I was reminded, "Mendi, some things are simply none of your business."

And then I received a text, "I feel really moody right now... I'm just impatient. Annoyed. With everyone and everything..."

How often is this me? A perpetual state of indifference.

Both the post & the text really made me do some self-evaluating... Made me stop & think... Compelled me to ask myself the question, "Would I recognize a perfect day if I was given one?" Or would I take on baggage that isn't mine & concern myself with business that had nothing to do with me? Would my marred nature find something to feast on & spoil the plenty?

Was yesterday intended to be one of those 'should have been' perfect days?

Could it have been?

Had I let it?

And purposed it?

There will always be coals in the deepest recesses of the heart yet God desires that those coals be kept cool & free from ignition. Tempered. Moderated. Kept under the protection of humility & discretion. Coals are reminders of how careful I must be & how dependent I must remain on Christ. They remind me that focus needs to ever be upon Him & the temptation of allowing the eyes of my heart to wander, must be continually realigned & redirected. They remind me that although I may have found healing & redemption in areas, the fiery darts of the enemy can come from seemingly nowhere in an attempt to pierce vital organs & if my spiritual armor isn't drawn & ready, I am vulnerable to injury.

Yesterday may have been a gross day for me yet it was a refining day. A day filled with moments that remind me that, although the passions within me may be intense, the power of Christ is greater even still. And that power, if I heed to it & surrender my heart to it, will rescue me from the highest cliff & the deepest cavern.

A whisper.

Grace.

And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, 

and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you;

That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without,

and that ye may have lack of nothing.

~1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart,

be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

~Psalm 19:14

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thus saith the LORD of hosts;

Consider your ways.

~Haggai 1:7

So Is God's Correction To Me...A Sign That He Loves Me...

I check the blog...
Five months passed...
Five months & one day.

How do the days trickle by & the months pass so quickly? 

Happy April! 🌷

A few weeks back I told both MaKayla & Mal that the only thing I wanted for Mother's Day was for the outdated blog to be updated. That's it. That's all. Nothing else. And if you're visiting for the first time in awhile, you can tell that they jumped right on my request. Working together... Side-by-side... And after a few long days... It was done & I was thrilled. ♥ Fresh pictures. Unnecessary components removed. A new music play list. The previous one kept throwing errors & playing advertisements which was something that drove me loony so, after much research, we decided it was worth a small monthly expense to create our own list of sounds that we regularly listen to here at home & make it available to you in yours. :) If only I could provide flickering candlelight as well... :) We'd like you to try it & let us know what you think... Unlike the one before, you will need to click the play button in order for it to produce sound rather than it automatically playing. As well, if you desire to listen from your phone, you will need to download a Spotify app.

It's hard to compile life's happenings over the past five months... So many happenings. So much learning. Innumerable experiences & a plethora of lessons. In it all & through it all God keeps teaching & correcting & guiding & strengthening... Grace upon grace. ♥ Daily instruction laced with His continual, unconditional presence. For such, my heart is inexplicably grateful.

I will share that after much prayer & consideration, the Lord repetitively showed me & faithfully confirmed in my heart that He wanted my word for the year of 2017 to be...

HUMILITY.

As I look back on the last post that I put together before such a lapse, I find that the word He so specifically placed on my heart, mirrors the very thing He was preparing to instill within me. Preparation. Preparation without me even fully realizing.

As I continue on, day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, I see God affording me opportunities to learn a new depth of a virtue I only remotely understood & minutely grasped. Sure, I knew what it was & what it meant, but knowing what it is & means is quite different than applying it & living it out. One is an idea, the other becomes a reality. One is considering, the other owning. One is entertaining, the other being intentional. Not giving self the option to dismiss, suppress or ignore. God seeing the truth & rawness of our hearts seems as a double-edged sword... The discomfort of correction yet the freedom that comes when that which needed correcting is clearly seen for what it is... That which was contaminating is as dross being skimmed.

Initial discomfort superseded by freedom.

Truly, I'm just incredibly thankful that God loves me to the degree that He corrects me & invests in refining my being in order that I can be more of a reflection of Christ. He reveals & discloses to my heart those things that impede me from being salt & light to others... Those areas of life that I fall short in bringing Him glory whether that be my countenance, my responses, my attitude. Just like a parent to child, so is God's correction to me...a sign that He loves me & desires something better. ♥ Never see correction from God as negative or unloving or shameful... Absolutely the opposite of all three...

Correction shows:
♥ Favor
♥ Care
♥ Affirmation

It shows that He has something more...
It reveals that what I am lacking, He wants to provide.

It shows that He has wisdom...
It reveals that where I am ignorant, He has the means to tutor.

It shows that He is Lord...
It reveals that when I am stubborn, He summons submission.

I wonder why we always correlate correction with an adversary...

He is not my enemy...He is my Savior.

And not just mine, but yours as well... ♥

My intention now that things are up-to-date with the playlist functioning properly, is to do more blogging here & less on Facebook. Short, simple things there...more in-depth sharings here. :)

Life is well for us...busy, but well. Kyle is working much overtime & Mal has been diligent beyond explanation with her studies. I see so much change in both of their hearts as what both of them once dreaded & abhorred, they both have learned to appreciate & find purpose in. ♥ Blessing upon blessing. ♥

Due to God extending an opportunity, Dillon & MaKayla have recently relocated. It's further from us however Kyle & I see so much purpose in what God asked & instructed them to do & for a parent, seeing your children take uncertain steps of faith as a means to obey, there is truly no greater reality. We still see them regularly & FaceTime daily & have even spent a night with them. Such a blessing they are to our lives...

~Never a dull moment...

~Ever.

~Learning the Keurig...

~Latte goodness...

~Enjoying coffee together...♥

(Mal was present but was currently getting around for church when all of these were snapped...)

I'm super excited to be back "home" in my blog & am eager to share with you, not only the happenings of our lives, but most importantly the goodness & grace of Christ.

Much love...

In The Shifting Of Control...I Decided To Take The Lead.

Yesterday.
Another one of those days.

It didn't start out as such but then a spontaneous outing that I hadn't adequately sought or allowed God to prepare my heart for quickly derailed me & tossed me completely off the track. It wasn't progressive, it was instant.

Immediate tension.
Split-second agitation.
Consuming irritation.

And my default...
Disconnect.
Control.
Transparent frustration.

I removed myself from the situation momentarily but instead of taking that opportunity to regroup, refocus & recollect, I allowed the core of the matter to fester & brew. Unwisely, I failed to turn my focus from the circumstance & redirect it toward God. My blood-pressure soared. My heart rate elevated. My peace drained...out of my feet. I was a hot mess. Truly. Just ask Mal.

Note to self: When default tendencies begin to show potential of becoming reality, take a deep breath, inwardly cry out to God, allow Him to put things in perspective according to His Word. Who I know He wants me to be. How I know He wants me to respond. His character being lived out & worked out in me.

Why do I allow the flesh to outrun the Spirit?
Why do I permit emotions to overtake moderation?
Why do I enable self to trump Truth?

Because I heed the natural & silence the Divine.

The afternoon continued & my attitude, nor my temperament improved. At all. Displeasure was evident & obvious. I voiced & vented. Plead my cause. Confirmed my point. Fine. Dandy. Understood. Yet my heart was still wrong. And I knew it.

I came home, shared with Kyle & contemplated. He worked on winterizing the pool while I continued to consider the yearnings & ponderings of my heart. I shared with him various things that were meandering through mind & lessons I was taking away from the situation at hand. Lessons dealing with my contribution to the circumstance as well as contributions of others. I told him that I was going to find a place in the sunshine & sit. I retrieved my Bible & my journal, found a chair on the west side of the house in the direct shining of the sun & began to put thoughts to paper in order to help me sort out & work out how God was speaking to me.

Control.

Plain and simple.

Control.

Control... A stronghold in my spirit that has the potential to encapsulate & permeate me like not much else. Why? I don't like to be defied. I can do what's comfortable. A feeding of pride due to accomplishment. My esteem of self is too great. Fear. The more I study & the more I grow in the Lord, the more I recognize when my heart begins to beat in the, 'I'm out of control & I'm on a quest to regain it,' rhythm. I'm beginning to better discern the Holy Spirit's voice of, "You're entering into unauthorized  territory & you need to guard your heart. For your sake - falling into sin/heeding temptation. For the sake of the other person - potential to inflict/hurt." Lord, I know this is an area of my heart that desperately needs reshaping, transforming & softening. Will you help me? Help me to know when to persist & when to let it go. When something's worth fighting for & when it's prudent to surrender.

Kyle & I discussed it more throughout the evening as I continued to work the entirety of the afternoon out in my heart. I sat & typed up a Facebook post that collected my thoughts...

Two coinciding thoughts conclude my afternoon...
1.) If you're not going to enforce the rule/boundary/standard, don't put it into place.
2.)  I never want to arrive at the place where my heart becomes so stubborn/prideful that I am unteachable or so hardened/obstinate that I am beyond correction.
*Taxing days are wearing yet I am reminded to 'Count it all joy'... And that the taxation is worth it when you can walk away with a deeper understanding & a fresh measure of wisdom for days/times ahead. Prudence. :) Every situation in life is an opportunity for Christ to enlighten us to something we need to see/learn if our hearts are willing to perceive & pliable to be molded. Happy Friday Eve! :)

I questioned the posting of it for well over an hour... I tossed it around. Thought it through. Considered it intently. Yes. No. I think it's fine. Probably shouldn't. Yeah, maybe someone else can relate. I don't think it's conducive to what God would desire.

Control was shifting...
I had possession...
And then I gave it to God.
Back to me.
Then Him.
Me.
Him.

I knew at the core of my being that my heart wasn't "all" right in it. Yes, I had been reminded of profound lessons I wanted to etch in my heart & implement in the coming days/weeks/months/years yet what I was highlighting was someone else's weaknesses & falterings...not my own. But I reasoned that no one else knew those facts but me. I reasoned it out & then briefly, ever-so-briefly, a truth that a sister-in-Christ shared yesterday morning on Facebook that had impacted me greatly wafted through my spirit...

I thought on it for a moment & then began to reason again...

Note to self: Never reason with God. He is ALWAYS right.

And when one reasons long enough, they convince themselves (through the enemy's influence) that they are right & the harm they once considered, is invalid.

Post.

There...
It was done.
Posted.
Me.

I went to bed unsettled about my choice but decided to give it until morning & if I still wasn't sure, I would delete the thoughts that I felt so compelled to share.

Long night.
A long night of wrestling...
With God.

Delete.

There...
It was done.
Gone.
Him.

I threw my flannels on, put my contacts in, brushed my teeth. Clicked on the lamp, stumbled through the living room, found my way to the kitchen. Another light accessed, coffee poured, CD player turned on. Journal located, Bible retrieved, a place at the table found. Reading glasses on, pen in hand, sentiments of the heart transferred to paper. My every morning... But this one was different. I knew I had wrestled with God throughout the hours of the night & I knew why...

In the shifting of control, due to pride, I decided to take the lead.

Wrestling with God resulting in a genuine desire for all manner of pride & control to be removed from my life/heart/mind. In the wrestling I was reminded of my sister's post yesterday...

When I question the "rightness" in some decision or choice, it's probably wrong. And even if it's 99% right & 1% almost right, it's still wrong. If it's not 100% right in God's eyes, I should submit, fear, revere & obey.

And as I shared with MaKayla through text this morning, "Even if what I said was 100% truth, the motive was wrong & prideful. A way to inconspicuously vent. No one would have known it but me... And God... I wrestled with Him over it all night. Right yet wrong. Directed towards a situation & a people. I deleted it early this morning & then I read Proverbs 4... Confirmation. I don't want to be a 'point prover'. The Lord was telling me, "No," but I chose my will instead of His. A profound lesson of faith & obedience for me."

Enter not into the path of the wicked, and go not in the way of evil men. 

Avoid it, pass not by it, turn from it, and pass away. 

For they sleep not, except they have done mischief;

and their sleep is taken away, unless they cause some to fall. 

~Proverbs 4:14-16

My heart was perceptive to what I was to be gleaning (my two Facebook post points) but instead of gleaning with a heart saturated with humility, I was gleaning through a heart laced with pride. It reminded me of the account of the slothful man's vineyard field in Proverbs...

I went by the field of the slothful, and by the vineyard of the man void of understanding;

And, lo, it was all grown over with thorns, and nettles had covered the face thereof, 

and the stone wall thereof was broken down.

Then I saw, and considered it well: I looked upon it, and received instruction.

Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep:

So shall they poverty come as one that travelleth; and thy want as an armed man.

~Proverbs 24:30-34

God wants us to learn from observation & consideration (from our own lives & from the lives of others) yet He wants us to learn with a spirit void of condemnation, pride & control. A spirit steeped in lowliness & humility. Learning from what we see & experience without bitterness, resentment or haughtiness.

Last night I distinctly knew what God was directing me to do yet like the stubborn, prideful, hardened & obstinate heart that I was so troubled by previously in my day...that heart became mine...toward God. Instead of being teachable & open to correction, I was bent on my own will. I coveted control.

A diseased portion of my heart that has been in such a state for as long as I can remember has received Divine treatment... And although I lost some sleep in the hours of the night, what I gained will change me for the remainder of my life.

May I daily be reminded...

Trust In The Affliction & Praise In The Pleasantry...

November 1st.

Time doesn't speed up.
Time doesn't slow down.
Time is time.

60 seconds in every minute.
60 minutes in every hour.
24 hours in every day.
Seven days in every week.

Time.
Time. Is. Time.

Yet when I visit the blog, I realize that May was my last post. And I wonder, how did that happen? How did I allow that to happen?

Time.

Time with people.
Time with the Lord.
Time doing what He has instructed me to do.

Time loving.
Time investing.
Time contemplating.

Time healing.
Time learning.
Time considering.

Time searching.
Time seeking.
Time listening.

In order to understand.

Although time has passed, the time in between has been fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.
Truly.

Not without pain, difficulty & testing yet all-the-same, fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.

Isn't that God?

Helping Grandma move & settle.
Storing summer's bounty for winter's provision.
Walking with those I love through one of life's hardest trials.

And this morning as I contrast & compare, I wonder how one day life can be pleasant & peace-filled, while the next is laden with struggle, frustration & at a loss as to how I should process the events therein. Am I bi-polar? Am I fickle? Do I lack stability? Laughable but true.

Satan would like to convince me of such...

Yet as I seek the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminds me that days are diverse. He reminds me that the diversity of days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...to Him.

I had about two weeks straight where life was absolutely restful, contented & filled with pleasantries, and then BAM, I had a day that, from start-to-finish, was outlined, shaded & filled in with irritations, frustrations & testings. Externally, I did my best to conceal the grossness of my heart but internally, both God & I (Mal, Kyle & one other individual) knew the poison that permeated.

The poison that permeated my thoughts, feelings & emotions.

Since that day a week ago today it's been a day-to-day reality. Pleasant. Not-so-pleasant. Positive. Negative. Empowered. Defeated. Restful. Tormenting.

And my heart has wondered why...

Why on again, off again?
Is it me?
Is it a wavering of faith?
Is it selfishness?
Is it weakness?

One day I concluded it was hormones...
Another day, it was due to how I awoke...
And yet another dependent upon what I ate.

All valid options.

When the alarm alerted me yesterday morning signalling a new day, a new week, reminding me of what lie ahead for my Monday, my heart stirred & wrestled. I knew the day was steeped with the potential for struggle, strain & difficulty however the type that I had envisioned wasn't the pedigree that resulted. An intermittent convo with Mal & then a quick chat with Kyle, followed by a brief visit with MaKayla left my heart assured of prayer yet still unresolved. In the midst, Marci dropped me a quick, unexpected phone call & her pleasant voice, brightened my countenance. We didn't talk about specifics of the situation I was dealing with but our momentary exchange of life happenings, helped me move forward in my day. Without her even knowing. ♥

The events of my day changed & took on a different shape & form, leaving me in a position of completely trusting God. Uncertainty loomed. Apprehension lingered. The steeped potential for struggle, strain & difficulty remained. Yet I purposed to proceed in full-on trust that the One who knew what lie ahead would go before me & prepare the way. He would provide grace for the circumstances. He would protect the sensitivity of the situation. He would shelter the hearts involved.

And He did.

Struggle? Yes.
Strain? Yes.
Difficulty? Yes.

Yet in the midst He was faithful.

This morning as I continued to pray over yesterday's situation & anticipated a quiet, contented Tuesday at home with Mal, my heart went back to the question of "why"?

Why on again, off again? 

Is it me? 

Is it a wavering of faith? 

Is it selfishness? 

Is it weakness?

Yet as I sought the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminded me that days are diverse. He reminded me that the diversity of days intensifies my dependence upon Him & keeps me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

On those days where the potential for difficulty is there...
And the brimming reality of struggle is possible...
And the steeped likelihood for strain is at a high percentage...
TRUST.

I knew yesterday was a day drenched with vulnerability on my part & my only option was to pray, depend & trust. That's it. Nothing within me could fix, change or prepare... Everything was out of my control. Beyond my dominion. Far surpassing my determining. I was bare-faced & vulnerable & believe it or not, as crazy as it may sound, there was a deep-seated comfort in my uncertain spirit. A reassurance of assurance. A reminder of faithfulness. A guarantee of Presence.

You don't have this...

But I do.

I Am.

A day saturated with trust.

Today...a contented day. A quiet day. A spiritually restful day. A day where God says,
"Praise. Just embrace & praise. Give thanks. Simply embrace & give thanks."

What He is showing me is that time is time...always the same. The same minutes. The same hours. They hold the same expanse with each that comes & goes, yet those minutes & hours turn into days. And those days are diverse. One day filled to capacity with pleasantries... Days that change us. The next overflowing with immeasurable affliction. Days that transform us. And instead of analyzing the why (yeah, that's my default...I'm always on a quest to understand), trust in the affliction & praise in the pleasantry. Time never changes yet we change through time. We change over time.

Days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

As Mal & I drove to fill the truck up with gasoline this morning, I found myself acknowledging how deeply grateful I am that, because of Jesus, regardless of the day & what it holds, I can trust and I can praise. And that as seconds turn to minutes & minutes turn to hours & hours turn to days, God is drawing me closer to Him through each & every situation He orchestrates.

Let go of the 'why' & simply rest in His presence. Rest in the trusting. Rejoice in the praising.

But I trusted in thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my God.

My times are in thy hand...

~Psalm 31:14-15

A Merry Heart... An Excellent Spirit...

It was tough as I pulled myself out of bed shortly after five this morning. Kyle was already up & going & when I emerged from the bedroom he was dressed for work, sitting at the table, doing his morning Bible study. It's a sweet sight for me to see... I poured us some coffee & then we sat together in the quiet silence... Reading... Studying... Gleaning nourishment to catapult our day & discover direction for our steps. His alarm signaled saying he had ten minutes remaining until departure time so he removed his reading glasses, laid aside his journal & pen, and proceeded to share with me how God spoke to his heart. It's reassuring to a wife to hear the moving of God in the life of the one who has been chosen to lead her. Thankful I am. ♥

Kyle left, I returned inside & sat down in our old, wooden rocker with my Bible, journal, commentary & pen. As my eyes fell upon the words of Proverbs 17, the Holy Spirit magnified specific verses that I needed to take intentional notice of... It's amazing to me that after several months of reading through Proverbs, day-by-day, each month, how even after reading those same verses on each day of every month, different aspects stand out. God grows & builds & deepens & expands my understanding. Same verses yet each month, they mean something unique. They mean more. Today, there were three that my eyes kept returning to & two of them I studied more in-depth...

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: 

but a broken spirit drieth the bones. 

(v.22)

He that hath knowledge spareth his words: 

and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit.

 (v.27)

A merry heart...
works as medicine.

A broken spirit...
disintegrates health.

It made me think of a news clip that Mal shared with me yesterday regarding a woman from Italy who is currently 116 years old. A woman whose doctor attributes her longevity to living life with a positive attitude.

There's so much talk in this new-agish world we live in about positive thoughts... Thinking positively... Good vibes... Positive energy...

And sadly most equate all of those things with prayer or some mystical connection to God yet God isn't interested in positive thoughts, He's interested in our heart. And the condition therein. Positive thoughts, good vibes & positive energy have nothing to do with being connected to God. Our connection to God is through His Word & through prayer. Thoughts aren't prayers unless/until they're prayed. Spoken. Uttered. Offered.

Through the mediation of Jesus.

He is our avenue.
Our intercessor.
The Way.

To God.

So when my eyes fell upon the words 'a merry heart', I contemplated what that meant... What that looks like... How that is lived out... And where I fall short.

A week or so ago I had a conversation with an individual about people who are simply discontent & indifferent. Not just about one area of life but about most all areas. It's become who they are & how they process life as a whole. It's a habit. A way of decoding. And as we conversed, I came to the conclusion that some people don't want to be enjoyed & nor do they want to be enjoyable. And as I contemplated the conversation...

I saw myself.

Not making myself enjoyable...
Nor wanting to be enjoyed.

Indifferent.

Or as the Bible refers to it...

Froward.

Difficult...
Contrary...
Just because I can be.

And as the individual & I conversed, God showed me many things. He revealed pieces of myself to myself. And like so many times before (and how I most often learn of things that need to change in my life), I saw myself through what troubled me about someone else.

As in water face answereth to face,

so the heart of man to man.

~Proverbs 27:19

God showed me who He didn't want me to any longer be & He bestowed pity on my heart for another.

A merry heart...

A froward heart is in no way a merry heart. And it's something I have been working on. I want to be a pleasant person. I want to be enjoyed. I want to be enjoyable.

A merry heart...
A rejoicing heart.
A glad heart.

The verse goes on to say that a broken spirit dries up the bones. Destroys health. Breaks down the body. And as Matthew Henry points out...

*sorrows of the mind

*burdens of affliction

*a wounded conscience laden with guilt & fear

*melancholy dispositions

They break the spirit & dry up the bones. They wear a person out & replace vitality with exhaustion. They dissolve a person from the inside out. They generate death... First emotional. Then physical. And even more than that they dim our radiance & negate our witness. We fail to be an emission of salt & light.

Personally, I know pride & criticism & insecurity & bitterness & self-protection have played an integral part in arriving me in a place of possessing a froward heart. Being contrary. Difficult. Obstinate. Peevish. Cross. In turn, I've lost sight of knowing how to love well. Abundantly. Void of partiality.

And then I look on...

...a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit. (ch. 17, v. 27)

An excellent spirit...
denotes/signifies a man of understanding.

Again, Matthew Henry clarifies for me... An excellent heart is one who has:
*a precious spirit (tender)
*a cool spirit
*not heated with passion (anger/irritability)
*failing to allow tumult or disorder by the force/energy of corrupt affection (offense)
*a warm heart

And then I look back...

The beginning of strife is as when one letteth out water:

therefore leave off contention, before it be meddled with. (ch. 17, v. 27)

Which reminded me of last nights facebook conversation I had with one who stirs, spurs & shares the growings of my heart... Letting things go. Leaving off contention. Turning situations over to God. Most especially offenses. For when I don't, the spirit becomes broken. And the bones dry up. My spirit. My bones.

A merry heart...

A heart that rejoices in God...
A heart that serves with gladness.
A heart that is pleasant.
A heart that is enjoyable.
A heart that allows itself to be enjoyed.

An excellent spirit...

A spirit that is warm.
A spirit that is understanding.
A spirit that is unmoved even in the midst of offense or corrupt affection.
A spirit that is tender & moldable & sees the good even in the midst of the not-so-much.
A spirit that loves.

That's who I want to be...
That's who God desires me to be.

It's not about positive energy... Positive thoughts... Good vibes... It's about a heart that is surrendered to it's Maker. A heart that looks beyond that which it is feeling & chooses to see God in the midst of the mess.

Positive thoughts & positive energy & good vibes are self-generated... A merry heart & an excellent spirit are contrived through the One who can construct beauty out of ashes. Who can making things right even when they appear all wrong.

Positive energy & positive thoughts & good vibes are just that...energy...thoughts...vibes. They go as quickly as they come. They fail a connection to God. With God. They extend no further than our mind.

I need more than that.

I need someone who & something that possesses power & strength & might...when I am incapable of seeing things for what they are. When tumult & disorder are knocking on the door of my heart. When heated passions within want to revile. When I want to give up & I grow weary of trying.

That someone...He's Jesus.
That something...His Living Word.

A merry heart...
An excellent spirit...

My desire.
God's desire for me.