Yesterday Was One Of Those Days...

It's a Monday...
The day following Mother's Day...
And I'm glad it's behind me.

For the past three weeks I have had my Bible open to the same spot & my ginormous Matthew Henry Commentary flopped in front of me to an unchanged page. Lots of black underlining, scribbled notes & colorful highlighting... After my last candid post I have been seeking & searching...digging & studying in a quest to find the missing pieces that my heart lacks in order to make it function at full capacity. I am full aware that it is out of rhythm... And when it is out of rhythm & not functioning properly, every area of my life is affected...most especially in the area of relationships. It's a stronghold... And a lot of battling with familiar spirits. I'm learning a lot & being enlightened to things I have been oblivious to for the full part of my forty-two-plus years yet like most things, relearning & retraining the brain/mind/soul takes intentional work. Much like "fixing" damaged areas of the heart...they're not necessarily fixable, rather repairable. And just about the time I think I "get it", I lose hold of that which I thought I had a grasp on.

Yesterday was one of those days...

Next to being a Christ-follower & a wife, my greatest passion in life is being a mom... Simply put, it's my career & I take it very seriously. I find great satisfaction & fulfillment in training, teaching, mentoring & nurturing MaKayla & Mal & with the exception of two things, I LOVE being a mom. Those two things would be puking kids & Mother's Day... I detest them both & avoid them like the plague...no lie. The puking kids aspect would seem obvious to most but the reality of vehemently disliking Mother's Day would likely be a mystery to a vast majority.

While Kyle was tilling the garden/weed eating the yard & Mal was mowing, MaKayla & I made a quick trip to our local (twenty-five minutes away) greenhouse Saturday morning (our second trip so far this season). As we drove along she asked me if I knew when & why I began struggling with a day that is set aside to honor me as a mom.

I thought... 

We talked... 

Things came out... 

Some of it I understand...
Some of it I don't.

Bottom line, it's just grossness to me.

She & I ran a few errands, picked up our greenhouse goods & headed for home.

It's not that I'm not grateful for the kind gestures...
Or my mom who has been a solid mainstay of love, friendship, training, caring & nurturing in my life...
Or the other "older" women who have come alongside me in raising MaKayla & Mal.

It's not that I'm not thankful for MaKayla & Mal...
Or that I don't have compassion for the women whose arms are empty...
I just don't like it.

We tossed around our plans for Mother's Day Sunday, I was unsettled & I knew the unsettling was burdensome to MaKayla. The subject was tabled. We arrived home & MaKayla started in on the garden knowing Dillon wanted to come get her mid-afternoon for the remainder of the day/evening. As usual, it took much longer than anticipated yet she was insistent that it get done due to the impending rain followed by sunshine this week that the forecast predicted. She missed out on visiting his grandparents & a local community supper that they had in their plans... :( Kyle & I tried to urge her to go on ahead & we would finish up but she was hearing none of it... She wants full responsibility of the garden & having someone else do "her work" was not an option...period. After the seeds were buried under fresh soil & the plants were securely in place... After she showered & was freshly clothed, her man came in his "chariot" to retrieve her for the evening. It had been a long day of not seeing one another...and a Saturday none-the-less.

My mind was a scattered...
My heart was heavy...
My attitude was less than desirable.

Kyle & Mal silently joined me at the dining room table for a good-long while as I sat with my head buried in my hands; watching as tears streamed endlessly down my cheeks creating a nice little pond in front of me... :) Snot running from my nose & I didn't care. Mal quietly gathered me some Kleenexes while Kyle graciously wiped my nose & cleared the debris. ♥

The possibility likelihood that this could be MaKayla's last Mother's Day at home...
The reality of a best friend being less a child this Mother's Day...
The yuck that this "holiday" predisposes for me already.

The unknowing of plans...
The difficulty in learning to share...
(I know...it's an elementary principal that a forty-something woman shouldn't battle...I typically don't...& honestly, I can't think of anyone else but Dillon's mom that I would prefer to share it with...it's just something new...foreign...uncharted territory.)
The sobering acknowledgement of being a disappointment...
And failing to meet expectations.

Have I mentioned that I don't have a fond attraction to Mother's Day...

The three of us decided at 10:30 to make a quick run to the store for a few necessities & as we traveled, I prayed... And as I prayed a word fell off of my heart that the Lord said, "Mendi, you said it yourself. Recognize what you inwardly spoke & remember from the abundance of the heart doeth the mouth speak..." Ouch. Although my mouth had not spoken it, my heart had & that was all the evidence that was needed.

Stubborn...

I could choose to be stubborn, or I could choose to foster a heart of peace & unity. I genuinely wanted to choose the latter rather than the former yet wanting to do it & choosing to do it are two vastly different things. I wanted to be intentional & I was determined to do as such. I would do the typical Sunday routine...that was final.

MaKayla arrived home... We chatted. I still discerned her heaviness.
Good-nights were spoken... We went our separate ways. Our hearts were torn.
Tears fell on her pillow. Tears fell on mine.

Mother's Day Sunday dawned & I emerged from bed earlier than everyone else. I knew I needed to do some journaling & have some moments of solitude with the Lord in order to prepare myself for the day ahead so I retreated to the basement. I wanted it to be a good day. A fruitful day. MaKayla was up shortly thereafter with Kyle following closely behind. We talked & I shared my intentions for the day yet I could tell that her heart was still heavy & hurting.

The possibility likelihood that this would be her last Mother's Day at home...with me...
The reality of a best friend/second mom being less a brother/son this Mother's Day...
The yuck that this "holiday" predisposes for her mom already.

The unknowing of plans (she's a girl that needs a plan)...
The difficulty in learning to share... 
(I know...it's an elementary principal that a twenty-something woman shouldn't battle...but this is all new territory for her...a major learning curve.)
The sobering acknowledgement that this might be the first of a last.

The fact that she had missed Miss Oakley's first birthday party...
Chris & Bri's impending announcement...
And being so far away from one she loves so much.

My girl was hurting. ♥

I gathered my belongings with coffee cup in tow & headed upstairs to begin the "make yourself presentable" portion of the day. :) All was well in our tiny little bathroom as both she & I worked at our "process", in our own speed, while Kyle made biscuits & Mal continued to snag a few more moments of sleep. Comment was made here. A drip of a tear. Response was made there. A drop of a tear. The drips became more frequent & the drops became more steady.

Make-up applicated...
Hair dried...
Lotion on.

Clothes chosen...
Hair straightened...
Perfume applied.

What started as brokenness...
And sadness...
Turned to something else.

A torrential flood came pouring down...

Dillon pulled in to get MaKayla for Sunday School/Church & she wisely met him on the front deck. Instantly he could tell... She tried pulling it together as I watched from a distance & responded to a text from my Bethy... I advised that I wasn't sure she was in any shape to frequent a Sunday school class however she gathered her biscuit & Bible & away she & her love went. ♥ It wasn't long & she text saying Dillon was bringing her back... She had regained her composure along the fifteen minute journey & then her phone signaled a text from her second momma...the one less a son this Mother's Day. ♥ She couldn't do it.

It was a text she so desperately needed yet it solidified her fragile state... ♥
Because that is what she was.

I felt terrible subjecting Dillon to such emotional trauma...

Yet in this family, we're real...and transparent...seen.

For where we are...

Church clothes were removed & while I retreated to the basement, she retreated to her & Mal's bedroom. Kyle retrieved us both where he sat us down & said, "We're going to talk this through & figure this out... We can't keep doing this."

We talked...
We shared...
We discussed.

It's a season...
It's all a season.

And like all other seasons, this one, too shall pass.

It's about staying hydrated in the drought...
And weathering the storms.

It's about growing...
Even when the conditions seem less than desirable.

It's about realizing that this isn't it...
And that it isn't always going to be this way.

It's about understanding that "next steps" in life require stretching muscles of the heart/emotions...
And in the stretching...
There is a degree of discomfort & pain.

It's about resting in peace knowing that all transitions in life are hard...
And that true resolve comes in processing the difficult of those transitions.

It's about reaching for hope despite the struggle...
And that it's the struggles in life that God uses to shape us, refine us & prepare us...
For what's ahead.

She came around the table, sat down on my lap, nestled into my neck & cried...
As did I. ♥

Relocating to her seat across the table from me, I reassured her...
"Babe...it's a Sunday... Just like any other Sunday. There was one a week before & there will be another a week after. I don't see it as you see it... Mother's Day is simply another day... Another Sunday. It's gonna be okay... It's all gonna be okay & we're going to get through this... Together."

I won't lie. I succeeded in winning the "Epic-Fail-As-A-Parent Award" for the day. I wanted to turn in my badge... Renounce my position... Resign from all manner of momhood. Unworthy... Undeserving... Unqualified. MaKayla & Mal are so valuable & deserve so much more...than me. No lie.

Sometimes you just need someone to reassure you that it's gonna be okay...

Kyle was in the process of doing a project for Mal while she & MaKayla cuddled into bed drifting off to sleep when Tom text saying they were coming for a visit. "We can't do it. We just can't do it. Look at us... We're a hot mess & inviting someone else, even someone who knows us inside & out into the pit simply isn't fair..." Those were the sentiments of my heart. Kyle knew it would be a good thing for them to come... Me, not so much.

My attitude was less than desirable...

I reclothed myself & took a roadtrip to the store for fruit & veggies for snacking & as I pulled peeled out of the driveway in an attempt to release a degree of the frustration I had toward myself, I cried out to God. "What in the world am I doing? And how did I arrive here again so quickly? I am confused... I am so very confused. Please, God. Please help me."

In His very still, gentle, small voice He said, "Mendi, do you remember what I taught you last week about disturbances? The creating of them and the responding to them..." Dagger to my heart.

Yep, I did it again.
Epic fail.
Why did I not remember...

I processed the reality of the words spoken to my heart & I was deeply convicted. "Why can't I get this? What is my issue?" I liken it to the Parable of the Sower & the seed that falls among the thorns... I hear it & understand it & receive it but then I lose sight of it...and forget. Especially in situations that test & try me... Situations where I need to remember it most.

I arrived home, unloaded groceries, located the Bible study book that MaKayla, Mal & I are working through together (on gentleness & quietness of spirit none-the-less...epic fail...) & found the page on disturbances in order to "jog my memory" & refresh my heart. And then I started cutting veggies. Kyle said he had text Tom warning him that it hadn't been a good day for us & it may be safest & in their best interest to wait for a get together. And before I knew it, I caught a glimpse of these... ♥

It was what I needed... ♥
It was what we needed. ♥

The hurting restoring the broken...

The broken nurturing the hurting...

Genuine friendship.

We cried...
And laughed.

We talked...
And remembered.

We shared...
And embraced.

We did real life.

Looking past the struggle of their own...
To meet the needs of us. ♥

And despite the winning of the non-prestigious parenting award for the day...
I'm thankful for grace.

The Bible is re-opened to specific portions in Ephesians...
And Philippians.
The commentary is laying marked up, bare-faced before the windows of my heart.

With the help of a Saviour, I will get there & I will not quit until I do.

The seed that fell among the thorns stands for those who hear,

but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches, pleasures

and they do not mature.

But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart,

who hear the word, retain it, 

and by persevering produce a crop.

~Luke 8:14-15

*Disclaimer: No, I am not dragging my feet in regard to MaKayla's love & devotion to Dillon. I love that kid like I love my own & never would I do such a thing. ♥ Yes, I love Dillon's mom & dad...they are wonderful people & some of our closest friends. ♥ And no, MaKayla has not an ounce of hesitation/reservation in moving forward in the relationship with the one her heart loves more than anything/anyone & the one she longs to do life & grow old with. ♥ It's simply a season in this journey of courtship...♥ and we will get to the other side stronger, wiser & thankful for having walked the extra mile.