From A Self-Sufficient Valley Into A Desolate Desert...

Happy October! :)
Long time no-write...
Long time no-share...
Long time no-time...

Life has been busy, crazy, full & dry...

To be honest, life has been tough.
No marriage trouble.
No rebellious daughters.
No major catastrophes.

Simply a parched season of drought...

A season of wonderings...
Questions...
And a degree of confusion.

Thoughts, convictions, perceptions that I've always seen as truth & deemed as "gospel" yet gradually came to question & evaluation. Or at least I finally acknowledged them for what they were... And although some may see this as a weakness of faith or a buckling of foundation, God has taught me so much through this season of searching & seeking. He's realigned so many things within me in order to more adequately align me with Him. In attitude. In spirit. I think for so long the ridicule & condemnation & criticism drove me to a mode of survival. To suppress feeling as a means of numbing the pain. Something so necessary in order to keep pressing forward. To keep living the Christ-life because, after-all, that is what was right & noble & integral. Because although others may see it & label it as legalistic, they expected nothing less.

The past year has brought many transitions for our family as it was a year ago September that we stepped away from a church, a "body", a ministry that we had given ourselves to & invested ourselves in for several years. It was a death... Literally. I'm not sure I have grieved more at any other time in my life than when we knew God was instructing us to step back, step down & step away...and we did.

"When one year came of not seeing you every Sunday, it made me sad.

But God is in control & my desire is for us to be where He wants us."

(From a precious kindred spirit...)

And after a month plus a few, we started visiting churches in order to find a new "home". Tough. Awkward. Difficult. Draining. To be honest, after such a quest, I'm not even sure what "church" is supposed to look like & at one point MaKayla & Mal finally said, "Do we have to try any more 'new' churches?". A hard reality for someone who has been a Christ-follower, church-attender, ministry-server for nearly 25 years. Someone who thought they knew what the essence of "church" was... Or at least the "idea" of it.

There's a big difference between an idea & a reality...

But what about doctrines?
Every church has a specific "set".

Or worship style?
Contemporary?
Traditional?
Or a service for each?
Every congregation is different.

How about preaching/teaching method?
Hell, fire & brimstone?
Verse by verse?
Topical?
They all vary.

What does the "congregation" 'look like'?
College age?
Young families?
Older?
One very rarely finds a place where there's a good mix of all.

And ministries?
Dress codes?
Outreaches?
Standards?

Some churches take communion every week...
Some once a month...
Some once a quarter...
Others not at all.

Or version of the Bible used/taught from?
King James only...
NIV...
ESV...
Too many to list the options.

And as a Christ-follower for years, I think to myself, "If all of this is a bit "muddy" to me, how does a non-believer or someone from the outside looking in decipher it all?" I can see why people are turned off & repulsed, left with a nasty taste of wanting nothing to do with any of it, yet for years I have pushed forward...

Until now.

Before you get the idea that I've washed my hands of it all & am advocating the building of one's own kingdom, please don't make that assumption or final determination.

I get it.
I know there is no perfect church.
I'm not in search for one.

I've had that "card" thrown my way more times than I can count...
And it wearied me.

Until now.

As well as the "warning" to not forsake the assembling together as some are in the manner of...
With a twist of condemnation to increase the pressure.
A twist that spread the frosting a little thicker & sickened my gut.

Until now.

And a reminder that we are an example.
To render that we are falling short...
A rendering that fostered & brewed guilt.

Until now.

Simply put, I am in search...
Of a church were God is the complete & absolute focus.
Not the worship (for all-too-often it is emotionally based).
Of a church where the Word is declared with authority & conviction & instruction.
Rather than historical facts, user-friendly "feel goods" or legalistic doctrines.
Of a church where the roots of wisdom run deep.
Instead of chasing after that which draws & attracts & entertains.
(God is sufficient & His Word should be enough to move us.)
Of a church where the fellowship is secondary to intimately meeting with God.
In place of the sanctuary being a weekly social function.
Of a church where intentional prayer & intercession is executed.
Where communion is a priority.
And when one enters they recognize the presence of the Holy Spirit...
And when they leave, they are certain that they have met with, been instructed of & dwelt with God.

Some would say this is implicating the perfect church & maybe so, yet each aspect is biblical in truth & in nature. Some would say it doesn't exist & maybe not, but it should.

Confusing...
Concerning...
Saddening...

About six weeks ago the Lord took my hand & led me from a self-sufficient valley into a desolate desert. It wasn't an instant arrival, yet so very gradual. So gradual to the point that I didn't even realize that my destination was changing until I was already there.

Dry...
Dusty...
Draining.

And before I knew it, I was mentally, spiritually, emotionally & physically dehydrated.
To the point of desperation.

Had God left me?
No way.

Was the Holy Spirit absent?
He was closer than ever.

Did Jesus desert me?
Absolutely not.

Never once did I feel abandoned...
Rather, I felt weak...
Needy...
Broken...
Thirsty...
Desperate.

I knew that I knew that I knew that God had me in this place of destitution for a deliberate reason & purpose & that He was right there with me. I wasn't looking to & fro in an attempt to find the quickest road out or the soonest flight of departure as I was resolved in the deepest part of my soul & spirit that in order to be rehydrated, I needed to linger, wait & listen. I didn't have my eyes open for a chicken exit & I wasn't begging God to get me out of this place.

On the contrary, my family was concerned...
MaKayla asked, "Are you depressed?"
Nope.

Kyle petitioned, "Are you oppressed?"
Don't think so.

I knew that where I found myself, was God ordained.

The hours turned to days...
The days turned to weeks...

Finally, Kyle knew through the words I spoke, the countenance of my spirit & the demeanor of my being how fragile of a state I was in & took a few days off of work to be near...
To support...
To encourage...
To pray...

For four days we went nowhere & did nothing.

We sipped coffee...
Went for walks...
Read the Word.

We shared our hearts...
Expressed our feelings...
And listened.

To each other.
And to God.

One day I simply pulled the curtains as far back as they could go, sat in our old brown rocker, wrapped myself in the quilt MaKayla stitched for Kyle, closed my eyes, soaked up the warmth of the sunshine & rested in God's faithfulness even in the midst of destitution.

That was the beginning.

As I sought & searched & studied...
And prayed & listened & processed...
God said to me, "First things first, Mendi. You've been so self-sufficient in surviving that you've lost sight of intimately acknowledging Me. You rush ahead to do the right thing & speak the proper words & make the integral choices but you've lost sight of Me... The things you are doing & the words you are speaking & the choices you are making are great, fine & good & all things I ask of you, yet you've lost sight of the Reason. I've brought you to this place in order to renew you. To remind you of Who I am & what I desire of you & for you. I've led you to this dry & dusty place as a way to rekindle a romance we once shared. To stir the knowing that I Am. I see your heart. I see your longings. I see your questions & your confusion. I am aware of your wonderings. Rest. Let loose of the quest to survive. Rest. Cease to do for vain persuasions. Rest. I Am & I Am all that matters. Release the rope of convincing those you feel you must prove & do & speak & make, simply for Me & for Me alone. Though the whole world watches, the only audience that matters is Me & if you are serving Me, even though they may condemn, My approval is all you should be striving for. Rest."

And I did...
And I have...
And I am.