Tears Fell...

It's a beautiful day here.
The birds are singing.
The sun is shining.

It's been a day of laundry.
And school.
And chats with MaKayla & Mal.

It's been a day of note-writing.
Nourishing souls.
Praying for those close to my heart.

It's been a day of regrouping after a somewhat gross weekend.
The blah days previous set the stage...

Sunday was my birthday...
My 40th...
I love growing older but I very much dislike my birth-day.
And Mother's Day.

Pomp & circumstance simply just doesn't thrill me.
At least pomp & circumstance for myself.
I know...most would say that it's a selfish way of thinking but it's just what it is.
I'm working on it.

#699 ~ Parent's who chose me...

A text from my sister put things in perspective for me & gave me hope...
"Please have a good day.
It is your birthday...
You are a year older but also a year or day closer to meeting our Savior face to face.
It's really not all bad.
It will pass in less than thirteen hours.
Be patient and savor the moment.
Love you."

As I read words that spilled from her heart, tears fell from my eyes.
I was thankful she didn't "correct" me yet tried to understand.
She encouraged me in my "sorrow" :) and pointed me to Christ.

#700 ~ An understanding sister's heart...

You see, I don't mind getting older. As a matter of fact, I love it. A good friend of mine, from the previous church family we were a part of, and I would go round and round about birthdays & getting older. She resisted getting older yet I always reasoned with her that with each year I gain in this life, is one more year God has gifted me to love my husband, nurture our girls & share His love with those He places in my path. I see it as one more year to invest in those I love rather than a number that grows larger with each 365 days that pass. I think this mindset came after I lost a good friend to cancer when she was in her 20's & had three small children. I decided then that I would not complain about age...on the contrary, I would give thanks for it.

I woke Sunday morning to these...

And this...

And these...

A favorite children's book that I once read to MaKayla (over-and-over-and-over) played out the story of some children who fixed their momma breakfast on Mother's Day. She dreaded the thought of it knowing what kind of a mess she would arrive to, only to be pleasantly surprised in finding breakfast made & the kitchen spotless. MaKayla said for years she has wanted to do the same for me so... She awoke very early Sunday morning, made me from scratch, homemade apple streusel muffins complete with a pot of my favorite coffee. ;)

Even in the unpleasantness of my mood, my heart was grateful for hearts that love me & go the extra mile to show that love. On top of that, God has really revealed to me the past few years how blessed I am with parent's who chose me. Even when family thought they were CRAZY to have ANOTHER child FIVE years later when they ALREADY had the PERFECT family...the desired boy & girl, they still chose me. You know the lingo... I am so grateful that they chose to conceive me & God chose to bless that conception. Dad & Mom chose to raise me, love me & nurture me with life. Then & now.

#697 ~ Hand-created birthday cards/letters of love...

A few friends from church made a point to tell me happy birthday, give me cards & wrap me in hugs. One in particular cornered me & said, "Don't think you're going to sneak out of here without..." She knows me all-too-well. :)

Judge me if you must, but birthdays (only mine of course) aren't my cup-of-tea. It seems for one reason or another they are laden in disappointment, frustration, bad weather (it is February of course) & just too much hoopla. It's my problem, I know... Go ahead & judge. I'd just as soon brush past them without much acknowledgement at all. I'm thankful it's over & even more thankful that God continues to give me life to live, breath to breathe & a heart to love.

"So, in honor of your 40th birthday, I am going to tell you 40 things I love about you..." (Loved the list by the way...) ♥

"You have been with me through the up's and the down's and never gave up on me! Thank you for how you love me..." ♥

"This day 40 years ago God, my God, breathed into your lungs the breath of life & He knew your name..." ♥

I'm praying for many more years to live that life, breathe that breath & love those God has given me.

And yes, if you wondered, I've repented of my bad attitude...

Some Days...

I've had a few weeks of blah...
Up one day & blah the next...
Totally not like me...
Could be hormones...
Could be the weather...
Could be cabin fever...
Could be "I Miss My Husband" Syndrome...

The blah days...
*I have no motivation...
*I'm quite emotional...
*I feel lonely...
*I long to immerse myself in God's Word & Kyle's presence...

I remind myself every day that it's a new day; with new grace, new peace, new joy & new strength. A full measure of each. I have nothing to be blah about. I have nothing to complain about. I have nothing legit to make me emotional. Some days are just like that.

In times like these, I'm thankful for a husband who embraces me, holds me & prays over me. ♥

In times like these, I'm thankful for girls who tell me that they love me & do quirky things that bring a smile to my face & laughter to my being.

In times like these, I'm thankful for besties who text & ask if they can come for coffee & a visit.

In times like these, I'm thankful for tax questions that Marci has requiring a short chat on the phone.

In times like these, I'm thankful for grace...
God's grace...

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

²³ 

They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

²⁴ 

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

    therefore I will wait for him.”

~Lamentations 3:22-24

Fresh In My Heart...

It's a Saturday...
Kyle is at work...
The girls are still sleeping...
It's been a delightfully quiet morning & as I gaze out the window, deer cross the road near our home.
We've finished Genesis in our family Bible reading plan.
This morning I read chapters four through twelve in Exodus.
I love how God's Word completely transforms my early mornings in preparation for a new day & as I read, the Holy Spirit allows words that I have read so many times before to be fresh in my heart. To come alive. To speak to me personally. To show me things lacking. To give me hope as I seek to live more like Christ each day that I am gifted to live.

It amazes me how a Word that was written long ago still applies to my life today...

How it has the power to transform...

How it changes me from the inside out...

For the past few years at the start of the new year, each of us in our family have chosen a word to focus on. We pray over what God is teaching us & how we discern He is molding us. We ask Him to shine deep within the recesses of our hearts & reveal one specific thing He desires to refine & work out in our lives. It may be something we are lacking in, struggling with, having trouble grasping... We find a verse (or multiple verses) to be the foundation of the word we feel Him searing into our hearts/minds.

This year I started earnestly praying in December that God would make it clear what word He would have me to choose for 2013. I knew where I "was at", how I was feeling & what had become typical frame-of-mind for me. Even though it was "normal", I knew it was causing me to be "less than" for my family & all those I encountered. And most of all, I knew because of this mind set, I was missing out...

As I prayed, the Holy Spirit revealed to me the cause & the core of the stress, heaviness & lack of joy I was feeling. As He revealed such truth, I asked Him to show me His plan & my part for alleviating that frame of mind...how to find deliverance from the place I was in...how to restore fullness into my life... That's when He said, "I want your word for the new year to be SAVOR..."

I grabbed right a hold of the word & started doing some studying on it...

savor - relish; experience; appreciate

Okay...I get it...
*I need to slow down.
*I need to take more time.
*I need to interrupt the hurry.
*I need to listen.
*I need to stop the mental running.
*I need to prioritize.
*I need to quit rushing through one thing so I can arrive at another.
*I need to cease taking on more than I am capable of doing.
*I need to absorb EACH moment...
*I need to quit making life an emergency...

I had allowed the acceleration of my life to get so out of control that I wasn't enjoying anyone or anything. I couldn't appreciate the moment I was in because while I was doing the activity I was engaged in, mentally I had already arrived at the next task/activity/responsibility/commitment... My mind was in a constant state of motion & not only was it causing me stress but it was making me cranky & my attention span was nill. I was still giving my best to what I was doing but I was majorly lacking in being with who I was with... I mean truly being with them... Engaging... Listening... Relishing... Appreciating... Savoring...

I was aware & I was ready for change...

As I studied further, I found this:

King James Version:
Now thanks be unto God, which always causeth us to triumph in Christ, and maketh manifest the savour of his knowledge by us in every place. For we are unto God a sweet savour of Christ, in them that are saved, and in them that perish: To the one we are the savour of death unto death; and to the other the savour of life unto life. And who is sufficient for these things? 2 Corinthians 2:14-16

The New American Standard Bible says it like this:
But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and manifests through us the sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place. For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing; to the one an aroma from death to death, to the other an aroma from life to life. And who is adequate for these things? 2 Corinthians 2:14-16

The Message Bible puts it this way:
In the Messiah, in Christ, God leads us from place to place in one perpetual victory parade. Through us, he brings knowledge of Christ. Everywhere we go, people breathe in the exquisite fragrance. Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God, which is recognized by those on the way of salvation—an aroma redolent with life. But those on the way to destruction treat us more like the stench from a rotting corpse. 2 Corinthians 2:14-16

I reached for commentaries to glean the full meaning...

*"sweet savor" is applied to persons/things well-pleasing to God.~ It properly means good odor or fragrance & is frequently applied to the incense that was burnt in public worship of God & to sacrifices in general.

**"of Christ" - that is, we are Christ's sweet savor to God: we are that which He has appointed & which He has devoted & consecrated to God; we are the offering, so to speak, which He is continually making to God

Wow! As I read & reread over what I was finding, I began to put it in first person form:
*I am Christ's sweet savor to God.
*I am that which He has appointed.
*I am that which has been devoted & consecrated to God.
*I am the offering which He is continually making to God.

And then I asked myself, "Am I those things? Am I that person? Do I live as though I have been consecrated?" I mean, offerings are to be pure, unspotted, without blemish... I am FAR from being in offering "condition"...

I sat with Kyle for quite some time sharing with him what I had found & how I felt God speaking to me... I conveyed to him that I acknowledge how lacking I am yet how God longs to equip me... How blemished I am yet how Christ washes me clean... How often I fall short of my "appointments" yet how adequately He empowers me... How "rotten" I so often smell yet how my Maker longs to saturate me with His aroma...

As I reflected on all of these things, I saw where the dictionary's definition of savor & the Biblical connotation go hand in hand... In order to be what God wants me/desires me to be, I must experience time with Him... I must relish being in His presence... I must sincerely appreciate the sacrifice He made for me so that I can be for Him all that He wills & created me to be. In order to be used of Him, I must interrupt the hurry, prioritize my life according to His schedule & be available. I must daily seek His cleansing, saturate myself with His Word & slow my pace.

Even after only 19 days, I am more aware...

I am certain that not only will I learn to savor in the upcoming year, but how God transforms me in the days ahead will be a testimony to His goodness with each moment I am gifted through His grace...

Perfect Day... Beautiful Girl...

At 4:12 p.m. on January 16th in the year 2000, Kyle, MaKayla & I welcomed a new addition into our family. She didn't come as expected...emergency c-section (another one of those, if I'd only known then what I know now situations...) and although the delivery itself & our new baby girl's first few moments were quite uncertain & scary, she was healthy all the same. Kyle named her Mallary Nicole since I was out of commission for her first few hours of life (general anesthetic does that to ya) & after a short, uneventful stay in the hospital, we brought our precious bundle of love home. There wasn't much transitioning since MaKayla remained at the hospital with us from shortly after Mal's birth until we were released. Mallary was a baby that battled colic for the first three months of her life & if you've never been around a baby with colic, just take my word that it's a struggle & could easily cause the daddy of the family to arrive at craziness...I'll leave it at that... After Mal's three-month stint of "crankiness" subsided (it left just as quickly as it came), she has been an emittance of total & absolute JOY to all those she is around & most especially to our family.

A few years back Kyle decided that he wanted to start taking the day of our birthdays off from work if they fell during the week. Yesterday was no exception... Mal was super excited when she found out Tuesday evening that her daddy was going to be home with us to share & enjoy her birthday! :)

It was a monumental one as she became a teenager...the big 13!!!

From start to finish we had a blast...

 

Yearly "spanking"... :)

 We always let the girls choose their birthday meals & much to my dismay & very much against our paleo diet plan, Mal chose cinnamon & sugar donuts. I would humbly admit that I was a wee bit cranky fixing these beauties as I was only imagining all the toxicity that we would be pouring into our bodies when we sat down to eat them...

Oil...

Canned processed biscuits... 

Sugar...

 I gulped down my crankiness & fixed them anyway...

 

 She was thrilled...

 

 I love the progression of these next pictures as you can tell by the smile on her face & the various angles that she gazes at this delicacy that she can hardly believe her mom actually fixed such unhealthy food & was actually going to let her eat them... ♥

 

 The smile gets bigger with each picture I take... :)

 

 Have to have a candle for the birthday girl...

 

 

All smiles...

 A piano lined with gifts...

Gifts wrapped to fit Mal's vibrant personality... ♥

 

Kyle decided Mal needed serenaded with his uke...

"Happy Birthday" with a Hawaiian twist... :)

 



 

 

Infamous 'Hoops & Yoyo' card specifically chosen by the male gender in the fam... ♥

 

 

Gifts that fit Mal perfectly...

 

 

Music that she has been wanting...

 Candles that she loves to fragrance her room with...

 

 

I "blinged" this package out & to no surprise it was her favorite... ♥

 

New boots (she outgrew the other ones in only a few months... Now they're mine...)

 

 



 The most special gift of all for her special 13th birthday... ♥

 

 Love her expression in this one... ♥

 

 

Pictures do often speak a thousand words... ♥

 

Kyle & I decided long ago that at some point, when we felt our girls were ready, we would gift them with a purity ring. Mal hasn't been much of a jewelry girl up until recently & as we have seen her grow & mature in the Lord so much this past year, we knew it was time... ♥

 

 

We had several rings we were choosing from but this one seemed perfect.

Mallary's tastes are very simple & specific.

We felt this would fit exactly what she would want & she loved it!

 

We all worked together to make cupcakes to take to church...

 She listened to a song on Youtube that MaKayla had sent her way... ♥

 

 

Another fave meal of Mal's...

Kyle's grilled cheeseburgers & fries...

(So not paleo...)

 

New MU jammies to match Dad's... ♥

MaKayla was just as much if not more excited about Mal's birthday than Mal was...

Love the love they share! ♥

Cupcake with HOT PINK buttercream frosting for dessert...

And since we had no ice cream, we substituted a little French Vanilla whipped cream on the side...

(So, so, so NOT paleo...)

 

A good game of Spoons & a movie to end Mal's day! 

 

It truly was a perfect day for such a beautiful girl... ♥

Our girl... ♥

 

She received texts from Uncle Mark, Bri & D & friend Vicki...

She was sent facebook messages from Aunt Marci, MaKayla, Joleen, Janet, CJ, Penny & Sherry...

She got calls from Grandpa Billy & Grandma Sharon...

 

As I woke & started a new day today, I found myself deeply thankful for Mal's life & all that God has in store for her in the coming days, months & years. I found myself thankful for those who love her & have helped to shape her into the beautiful girl she is today... She radiates the love & joy of Christ & I am blessed beyond measure to be called her momma... ♥

 

Happy 13th Beautiful One...

I. Love. You.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

If Only We Had Known...

Last night was our first Monday night Bible study of the new year & it seemed like it had been forever since we had all been together in one place at one time. Let me just say, that the lessons we covered last night broke us in good after the weeks of not meeting. It was a tough study! The fellowship & camaraderie that has God built &developed between both the men that meet & the women that meet is precious. MaKayla & Mal were away from home for the night so after the last couple had left, Kyle & I sat down with a muffin & a cup of coffee & reflected...

"If only we had known 20 plus years ago what we are learning & teaching now..."

 

As we sat on the couch together I shared with him how inadequate I feel in leading the study us women are working through. I feel so ill-equipped & lacking in guiding these sisters-in-Christ that I also call my friends, to be the wives/women that God desires. To be the wives/women that Scripture instructs. To respect our husbands & to submit to them in EVERYTHING... To respond rather than to react in EACH situation & circumstance that we encounter even when we don't exactly see eye-to-eye or even remotely the same. When it comes down to the brass tacks of it all, the "idea" of living these things out seems aspiring yet, being resolute & deliberately doing it is entirely another thing... It is hard... I know for myself, had I known then (June 29, 1991) when I started this journey, what I know now, my marriage to Kyle would have looked very different over the years. I would have chosen to nag less, been deficient in controlling & ceased to demand my own way. Sadly, in most cases the opposite was true of me... I see now where these attributes have crippled both he & I, as well as our family from flourishing into what God desired us to be. I now see the truth... The scales are gone... My eyes are opened... I no longer want to "lord it over him (Kyle)" as the Scripture speaks... I long to submit & I long to respect...in EVERYTHING.

 

I'm thankful for where God has brought me & I'm thankful for what He is still teaching me yet fully living those instructions & imparting them to others is a tough thing. In so many areas we feel justified for not respecting. In so many situations we feel our way is better. In so many circumstances submitting to the headship of the men God has placed over our lives seems less than desirable. Yet even in those areas, situations & circumstances, God's Word stands true. He doesn't "suggest" those things of us, He instructs us to obey them. And He promises that if we obey, He will be faithful.

As I sit on the living room floor this morning wrapping gifts for a special someone who tomorrow will become a teenager :), my heart is bittersweet... In a sense it is heavy... I am grateful for the freedom we gain when we are enlightened to the Truth (John 8:31-32), yet burdened because teaching & encouraging such instruction is hard... Especially when there are situations & circumstances in the lives of people I love (near & far) where I want to say, "You are justified..." "You are exempt..." "You are excused..."

God simply doesn't give me that right... For myself... For anyone else... His Word is His Word & His Word speaks Truth.

God is doing great things & He is changing hearts through what we are studying & learning but as in all things, being stretched & being challenged can often times be painful. As they say, "No pain, no gain." It all boils down to choice... Will I continue to insist that my way is better or will I submit to the leadership of the man who holds my heart? Will I respect Kyle even when I don't see things the same way he does or will I demand that I am right? Will I continue to choose my own will or will I choose the will of the Father?

I pray that God's grace would be abundantly sufficient as we journey forward. That even in the midst of those unexplainably tough lessons, that we would look beyond self & we would clearly see Him. For in it all & through it all, He is the Author & the Perfecter of our faith... He knows best...

Wives, be subject (be submissive and adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the Head of the church, Himself the Savior of [His] body. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, that He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such things [that she might be holy and faultless]. Even so husbands should love their wives as [being in a sense] their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, because we are members (parts) of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is very great, but I speak concerning [the relation of] Christ and the church. However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly].  ~Ephesians 5:22-33





#598

I've enjoyed a peaceful start to my morning.

A good cup of coffee.
God's Word.
Jim Brickman melodies filling the air.

A beautiful sunrise.
Nala's tinkling bell.
Frost sprinkled deck railings...

Waking in my man's arms. ♥
Praying God's presence over his day.
Kissing him a "see-you-later" kiss.
Waving him blessings as he departs to provide for our family.

Being nourished through Scripture.
Stepping outside in the brisk morning air to snap a few shots.
Peeking in on two sleeping girls... ♥
Praying for friends who are close to my heart.

#598~Journaling texts received that remind me how rich I am.
Reminding myself to confess things done that break God's heart.
Thanking God that He chooses to choose me.
Petitioning Him to meet our needs.

Viewing snapshots of a beautiful baby, cradled by nurturing parents.
Remembering those days too-soon-gone with MaKayla & Mal. ♥
Longing for another precious one to cradle.
One of our own...
With the name of Isaac. ♥

Thinking over things God is stirring within my heart.
Counting the gifts that have already impacted my January 14, 2013.
Cleaning up an undesirable mess.

Skimming finished family calendars.
Contemplating what I should be done differently when I create them next year.
Blessing God for the gift of family.
Thanking Him for parents who taught Troy, Marci & I right from wrong.

Realizing how precious life is.
Acknowledging how rich I am.
Declaring that it all comes from Christ alone.

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ.

Ephesians 1:3

 

 

That Journey...

The weather has definitely changed back to winter-like after having several days that felt more like spring. We are so thankful for those warmer days yet it makes us long for warmth, sunshine & singing birds that come & stay. :)

As I mentioned in the last post, the girls & I have been trying to get out daily & walk at least a mile. Kyle didn't have to work today (hooray) so after breakfast dishes were all cleaned up, we decided to brave the cold & wind to fit in our jaunt around the trail. It didn't feel too bad when we first got outside the door but the longer we walked & the further we went, the colder we got. Our legs were burning, our lungs were hurting & were more than ready to return to the warmth of home.

At about the midway point, I was tempted to complain about the frigid temperature and the cutting wind yet the Lord allowed my mind to drift back to April of 2008 when Kyle went in to undergo his complete colectomy. A time & season of life that I will never forget. An extremely sick husband. Uncertain situations. Long surgery. Away from our girls. Unfamiliar surroundings. I knew no one.

Kyle was in the hospital for eight long days & other than venturing to the McDonald's on the first floor of Mercy Hospital with my sister, Marci & her girls, I didn't leave the premise of his room. Endless days. Sleepless nights. I didn't eat anything besides nibbles of Pop Tarts because Kyle couldn't have anything by mouth until the day before he was dismissed & I wasn't eating unless he could. When it all came down to it, I just wanted unlimited fresh air (and the familiar face of my sister) but neither were possible under the circumstances.

I missed MaKayla & Mal & I was completely out of my comfort zone. Doctors. Nurses. Noises. Smells. Country girl in a big city. Kyle is a very private, to-himself-kind-of-guy & had requested limited visitors due to the sensitivity of the nature of his surgery. I was perfectly fine with that however he was highly medicated & didn't feel well so in essence my soul-mate was "absent" even though he was very present. In all honesty, it was a very lonely time for me. For once in my life I couldn't "fix" the situation to suit me or to make Kyle better. Yet in that time of aloneness, I found an intimacy & friendship with Jesus that I otherwise never would have known.

Sometimes God allows the most difficult moments in order to draw us closer to Himself.

I took charge of the majority of his care only calling the nurses when he needed something I couldn't do. They came in only when we called, at the beginning/end of their shifts or when it was time for his meds. They like patients like him... Ones who aren't demanding & have family who willingly stay day & night to serve & care for those they love rather than treating it like it's a vacation where they deserve to be catered to hand & foot (sadly, patients & caregivers alike).

As we rounded that last bend this morning with home in sight, the Lord reminded me to redirect my "want to" complaining (in regard to the cold) into words & whispers of worship & praise. He urged me to give thanks that I have healthy lungs to breathe. He compelled me to be grateful for the fresh air that surrounded me. He urged me to pray for those who are living that scene that we lived almost five years ago. Those who are sitting in hospitals with sick loved ones. Just wishing for a long, deep breath of fresh air.

Had I not been privileged to walk that journey with the man who holds my heart, I would fail to know the essence of being grateful for the simpleness of blessings. I'm so much richer for where I've been but I'm so thankful for where I'm at...

#588~Crisp, brisk, definitely-feels-like-winter-kind-of-day walk as a family... Brrrrr... It's cold out there but so thankful to the Lord for fresh air & healthy lungs to breathe! Many in this word aren't so fortunate. Counting our blessings this day... ♥

Humbling Yet Empowering...

It's a rainy kind of gloomy kind of cloudy kind of day. Typical of spring rather than winter. MaKayla, Mal & I have been getting out & walking over a mile each day & all but one of us are quite disappointed that our walk probably isn't going to happen this afternoon due to the weather elements outside however Mal & I are just now getting over the upper respiratory crud we fought for over two weeks so we aren't taking any chances. Yesterday it was sunny with no wind & over 50 degrees... AMAZING for January! Tomorrow it is to be beautiful again but watch out Saturday... Back down below 30... Eeek!?!

MaKayla was super happy to find an envelope in the mail from Bri today. The card enclosed was way cool with such neat words & a nice long note! An unexpected surprise always makes the day a whole lot brighter! :)

It's been a good week so far but a busy one at that. I'm really trying to prioritize & refocus at the start of this new year so that I can be more effective for Christ, for my family & for those God has allowed me to minister to, teach & lead. It's become the norm for me to have so many things milling through my mind all at once that I can't engage in the very activity that I am doing at that specific time. Holidays seem to set me in this downward spiral pace.
I don't hear what is being said to me.
I put off the things that need done.
I jump from one task to another.
I dread getting out of bed because of what is waiting to be accomplished.
I only half listen to people who are wanting to share their hearts with me (namely my family).
I get behind on responsibilities. 
Life just seems BIG... 
After an uncountable amount of days of doing this, the black cloud looming over my head keeps getting bigger & darker & I can't seem to enjoy much of anything.

I've arrived in that place lately & although I'm not proud of it nor is it a desirable destination to be, I'm thankful that God allows me to get to the end of myself & He once again extends His immeasurable grace unto me.
He allows me to get to that point where my need for Him is so evident that I can't deny it.
He allows me to see how lacking & unfruitful I am without His strength & power fueling all I do.
He allows me to realize that apart from Him, I am nothing, I can do nothing & I accomplish nothing of eternal value.

It's one of those humbling yet empowering places.

That even in my weakness & nothingness I can do anything because He is everything.

So in the early morning hours of today, I sat with Bible, journal & pen; seeking, writing, refocusing.
Pleading with Him for forgiveness.
~For being self-focused...
~For following my own agenda...
~For leaning on my own strength...
~For relying on my own will rather than His...
Asking God to redeem me through the grace of Christ.
To receive me back unto Himself.

I'm thankful there are no hoops to jump through...
No mountains to climb...
No "works" to accomplish...
No approval to gain...
Just a humbled & repentant heart...
That's all that God desires of me...
That's everything I've laid before Him...

For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich,

yet for your sakes he became poor,
so that you through his poverty might become rich.

2 Corinthians 13:14