Life Is A Choice...

Home alone for a very short window of time.

So many thoughts racing through this mind of mine...
Truths God is teaching me.
Concepts I am learning from others.
The reality of life for some people.
Things that trip me up but others find easy.
Things that I find comprehensible that others find hard to grasp hold of.

Day-by-day God is showing me how differently we all see life...
How diversely we process situations...
Circumstances...
Hardships...
Victories...
Struggles...

How hard it is for some to find peace...
And for others, they simply accept it...
As a gift...
From God, Himself...

How some choose to choose defeat.
They choose what they know is destructive.
For some in the physical sense.
For some in the spiritual.

Life is a choice.
And simply put, we all get one chance.
One.
There are no do-overs.
None.

So today, I choose life.
I choose to live life.
I choose to give life.

And you know what?
Sometimes that's not an easy choice to make.
It's unnatural.
Yet it's something God has been branding, burning deeply on my heart.
It's following after the spirit & denying the flesh.

So earlier today when I was sharing a conversation with someone I love more than life, my flesh wanted to become agitated. Disgusted. Impatient. Ridiculing.

Ever so softly, the Holy Spirit said, "Remember? Do you remember what we talked about this morning in the early recesses of your day? Do you remember the words I asked you to pen in your journal lest you forget? Being tender. Listening. Encouraging. Praying. Have you forgotten already? Do what I have asked. Work out what I have taught you."

So I did.

I can't change how others process life, nor should I try. Who says I process it correctly & they don't?
Only God can change me.
Only God can change them.

One thing I know...

I'm choosing to live life.
I'm choosing to give life.

So be patient, brethren, as you wait till the coming of the Lord. 

See how the farmer waits expectantly for the precious harvest from the land. 

 See how he keeps up his patient vigil over it until it receives the early and late rains.

So you also must be patient. 

Establish your hearts strengthen and confirm them in the final certainty, 

for the coming of the Lord is very near.

Do not complain, brethren, against one another, 

so that you [yourselves] may not be judged. 

Look! The Judge is already standing at the very door.

As an example of suffering and ill-treatment together with patience, 

brethren, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord as His messengers.

You know how we call those blessed (happy) who were steadfast who endured. 

You have heard of the endurance of Job, 

and you have seen the Lord’s [purpose and how He richly blessed him in the] end, 

inasmuch as the Lord is full of pity and compassion and tenderness and mercy.

James 5:7~11

He Is ~ My All-In-All...

Time is flying by & I am savoring every moment I am blessed with. So many times in the last few weeks I have started to sit down at the computer with a longing to blog and someone will desire my time with them. I willingly give over my blogging moments in order to savor the moment... It could be for a chat. Or for a game of cards. It could be for an evening walk. Or an intimate conversation. I don't want to miss any opportunity I am afforded. ♥

Life has been full around our home. Not necessarily busy, running full, but full with moments... Moments of learning, growing, sharing, sharpening, God's Word, fellowship, laughter, prayer, accountability...

In the midst of "us", one of my closest friends contacted me a week-or-so-ago wanting to know if she & I could sit down & sort some things out that she is working through. I love, love, love the opportunity to share sister-to-sister. ♥ What a blessing that window of time was... A good cup of coffee... Bare hearts... Raw feelings... God's presence, direction, accountability, encouragement...

Never before do I remember a time that I have been so hungry for God's Word... Never before do I remember a time that I long for the continual fellowship of Jesus... Never before do I remember being able to clearly hear, receive & respond to the voice of the Holy Spirit... It's nourishing... Fulfilling... Intimate... Precious to my heart...

Both MaKayla & Mallary attend the women's Sunday School class with me which I tremendously enjoy. We are currently studying through Beth Moore's, 'Living Beyond Yourself ~ Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit'. It's been such a blessing to sit with our girls, reading over God's Word & combing the lessons for fresh truth, insight & instruction. Yet the richest blessing is to witness what we're learning "connect" within them. To see the fire ignite within their spirits. I am finding that the realization of this is one of the greatest gifts the Lord could ever give to me.

To be honest, both Kyle & I are going through intense seasons of refining & sifting. God is stretching us in very uncomfortable yet very necessary ways. He's speaking to us on such things as pride, selfishness, rash responses, gentleness, simplicity. He's been showing us what loving Jesus really looks like. Not what it feels like but what it looks like.

Besides the Beth Moore study, I have also been engaged in reading the book, '7 ~ an experimental mutiny against excess'. This written work of truth has been nothing short of life-changing for me. It's made me look at things so differently. It's taken portions of God's Word & brought them to in life in ways I never dreamed. Bluntly, it has changed my life. As I have read word-by-word, page-by-page, chapter-by-chapter, God has spoken so profoundly to me. He has turned my heart upside-down & back again. He has softened me in areas where I confessed that I would NEVER do this or that; to now seeing those as areas as unoptional. And not only as unoptional, but replacing them with burning desires. Longings. Questions of why I didn't see this sooner? Why didn't I "get this" earlier? How can we make this happen now?

The most difficult part in all of it for me is sorting it all out. I'm the type of person that when I hear something, see something, read something, watch something, and it rivets me, I plant it deep within the recesses of my spirit & I will, with all my might, purpose to work.it.out. I don't want to waste ANYTHING God affords me.

I have so many thoughts, desires, truths, aspirations running through my mind that I pray; I earnestly pray, for the Holy Spirit to deeply plant & root each nugget so far within me that nothing, absolutely nothing, could take it away.

He reminded me of His faithfulness just this evening... I received an unsettling form of communication from someone I love beyond words. I couldn't exactly discern whether it was extended in frustration or simply as a way of venting hurt. Any other time I would have responded in defense or offered a lengthy explanation to promote peace yet for the first time ever, I stopped, thought it through, calmed my rapid beating heart & sought the Lord for direction. He reminded me that no explanation was needed. The issue wasn't mine to own. I had done nothing to instigate it. ~ An immediate assurance washed over me. ~ Please understand, I am a people-pleaser by nature (to some, I will do nearly anything to remain in their favor) so this was very unnatural to me. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to know that they weren't mad, angry or embittered toward me. I wanted to settle the waters. I needed to know that it's going to be o-k-a-y... The Holy Spirit reminded me to rest.in.Him.

You know, refining isn't easy. It's not comfortable.
It takes surrender...submission...a relinquishing of the will...
But friend, when you can see God driving you more than you're driving yourself, it's a humbling richness that no value can contain.

I so want Jesus to steer my life.
I want to radiate His presence more every day.
I want to make much of Him.
I want Him to know ~ that He is ~ my all-in-all.

Remain in Me, and I will remain in you.

No branch can bear fruit by itself;

it must remain in the vine.

Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me.

John 15:4

Meanderings...

This morning I have so many wonderful things floating through my mind that I just go from one happy moment to another. It's a reality of blessedness after the roller-coaster the past few weeks have been...

♥MaKayla has been quite the busy bee running from one responsibility to another. Kyle & I have been very vigilant in protecting her from burn-out in her teenage/high school/growing up years. We have always felt that "adulthood" would come soon enough & we didn't want to "burden" her with the weight of that any sooner than was necessary. Although I've been confident in that decision over the years, I would admit that I have wondered how God would open doors in order for her to learn responsibility outside of her dad & I as well as outside of our home. Just like God, He has been faithful to bless her with multiple opportunities over the past months, weeks & days. It's been such a blessing to see her "step up" & "step out". Mal has been able to accompany her in some of her adventures which has been neat to see as well!

♥The weather where we live has been extremely HOT the past several days/weeks. Much to Mal & I's dismay, Kyle betrayed blessed us & turned the air on last week. MaKayla HATES to sweat yet Mal & I love the HEAT! We love the windows open, the song of the birds, the breeze whisping the curtains but in all realness, the humidity makes Kyle c-r-a-n-k-y... He would very willingly admit it so he won't care that I share it!!! :)

♥We've been enjoying produce from the garden since it won't be long & the plants most definitely will be burnt to a crisp. Repeated 90-100 degree days with absolutely no rain leaves things thirsty & withering.

♥The reality that we only have to purchase curriculum for one child this year still hasn't completely set in & I'm not sure if it's because I haven't given much thought to the idea or if it's because I suppress it when it does. MaKayla says she's ordering something regardless of the fact that she is graduated. She can't stand the thought that the Rainbow order would arrive & her "stack" would contain nothing but emptiness... I'm right there with her...

♥I conquered my first day of a sugar fast yesterday & it felt wonderful! I've realized time & again over the past several weeks how much sugar makes me feel N-A-S-T-Y. One day when I was feeling less than desirable, the Lord said, "Why do you repeatedly do things to yourself when you know what the consequences are gonna be?" That's all the motivation I needed to cut the sugar! You know it's bad when the thought of putting fru-fru stuff in your coffee nearly makes you gag... Blech! So. Long. Sugar.

♥Learning seems to be the focus of life for me right now. The Holy Spirit has laid several things on my heart & in my lap to learn from/about & I. Am. Loving. It. Hindsight says I was a crummy student in school because of all the distractions. I'm finding that I could very easily be a full-time student...especially when it is in regard to how I can be a better wife, mom & child of the King. I'm being challenged & it is exhilarating to my spirit!

 ♥I had a little big meltdown Tuesday evening when I received a text from my dad that began like this, "Hi Sweetie. Need you to be praying for the bike..." That's where I stopped reading... My brain went into freeze mode... My heart dropped to my stomach... My mind started imagining the worst... The floodgates of my tear-storehouse opened & I cried... Dad & Mom are on a bike trip to one of the coasts (remember, I did crummy in school) & when I read that Dad wanted me to pray for their Harley, I immediately went into panic mode imagining that they had had an accident... After I settled down & finished the text, Dad asked me to pray as the bike was making some loud/strange/unidentifiable noise & the nearest Harley dealer couldn't work them in for maintenance. I text my sister. I called my brother. "Did Dad call you? Did Dad text you? Do you realize what this could mean???? Especially with 100+ heat...If stranded,  Mom could stroke out... The bike could just quit... I'm NOT okay with this..." Dad reassured me that they would be fine & he just needed me to pray & trust. That is what I have been doing... When he called last night to let me know that after a 10+ hour day yesterday, they were safely in Salt Lake City for the night, all I could do was PRAISE THE LORD!!!!

♥Although I do miss the girls tremendously when they are away, I can't tell you how much the quietness & alone time with Jesus every morning this week has refreshed my spirit.Something I was very much in need of.

♥After a stint with blatant laziness, 5:00 mornings took up residence in my life again this week! Painful yet wonderful! I am one who, although it's like pulling teeth to pry my rear out of bed, I function so much better when I am up & going well before MaKayla & Mal emerge! It also gives Kyle & I an opportunity to chat, visit & spend time together before "duty calls" & he has to leave for work. Less sleep but I will admit, I have more energy & my attitude is SO MUCH BETTER!!!

 ♥I am SO GLAD that Kyle's place of employment is on four-day work weeks for the next three months! That means today is his last day this week! I so love having three-day weekends with him!

Now off to enjoy the rest of my quiet morning with Jesus! Thanks for stopping by for a quick chat! ♥

It. Was. Wonderful.

Absent.
That's what I've been.
Absent.

Today was Kyle's second day back to normal work after having nearly two weeks here at home with us girls. His place of employment had an eleven-day-shutdown/vacation which we had greatly been looking forward to but then the Sunday before that was to start, his only living grandma passed away which put him off of work two days earlier than everyone else. Although we were saddened by the circumstances, we loved having the additional two days with him.

Still trying to catch up from MaKayla's graduation, we decided that we would use this time to stay home, relax & just be together. It. Was. Wonderful. We went very few places & did very few things. Our goal was to conserve money and invest in one another every moment of every day. We did and... It. Was. Wonderful.

We spent much time in the pool...

We pitched the tent in the backyard & slept under the stars (and moon)...

We cooked over the fire pit. (Kyle did. The girls & I watched. :)...

We studied God's Word together...

We relished in God's beauty...

We worked in the garden...

We celebrated a life well lived...

We enjoyed quiet time on the patio over cinnamon rolls & a good cup of coffee...

We shot off some fireworks...

We spent time with cousins...

We loved being with family...

We celebrated a birthday...

We simply loved life...
We loved one another...
We loved God...

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Through this shutdown time, the Lord has really been speaking to Kyle & I about various things. To be honest, it's been a tough "season" for Kyle... As many of you can relate, specific circumstances & situations have a tendency to "resurface" past pain... Past memories... Past heartache... Past trials...

The past...

We want to ignore it.
We want to suppress it.
We want to deny that which we need to face.
We just want to move on with life & not look back...

Sometimes that's fruitful...
Yet sometimes...
Sometimes it withholds healing...
Sometimes it prevents resolve...
Sometimes it keeps us prisoner to ourselves...

23 years ago Kyle lost a cousin who was also his very best friend...
Kyle was only one day older...
Their birthdays were the same year...
One day apart...

Same class in school...
Same interests...
Same hometown...

A very painful season-of-life for Kyle for many reasons...

It just so happens that the cemetery we laid his grandma's body to rest in is the same cemetery he laid his cousin to rest in as well...

23 years ago...

We don't go visit...
He doesn't speak of it...
It's painful...
It resurfaces things, memories, self-worth, emotions, loss that is easier ignored...
Until...
Until the Lord says,
"Now is the time."
"Today is the day."
"This is the season.""
"Surrender."
"Run. To. Me."

We simply can't have freedom over an area of life we can't bring ourselves to face.
We won't find courage to be who God desires us to be when we deny what we feel.
We will fail to be victorious if we bury the reality of who we see ourselves as.

God's Word is Truth.
That's the hopeful reality...
We must walk in who He says we are...

It has been a wonderful shutdown but a painful one at that.

There have been mountains.
There have been valleys.

There has been laughter.
There have been tears.

There has been conflict.
There has been resolve.

With God on our side, it's ALL good!
Minute-by-minute...
Day-by-day...
Healing is manifested.
Life is regenerated.
We are one day closer to Jesus.
I simply can't imagine life without Him...

You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.

 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.

Psalm 139:1,5

Looking Past...

Another beautiful day here.
Another rejuvenating walk.
Another time of sharing over a good pot of coffee.
Another cherished visit with our firstborn.
Another life-changing Bible Study with my girls under a shade tree.
Another opportunity to see changes God is desiring to make in me.
Another phone call from My Man reminding me of his ever-present love.
Another beautiful day.

 So far today, I've had opportunity after opportunity to be tripped up by the ugly enemy who so longs to steal my joy & rob my peace. And I humbly admit that there have been moments when I just about fell for his deceptive schemes. At one point I said to MaKayla, "I simply don't understand..." As she stood behind me, she reminded me that it is as it is & what it is doesn't define me. She was right & I knew it. Listening to her words I took a basket of wet laundry to the line & ever so gently the Lord spoke & said, "Mendi, look past what you see. Look past what you hear. Look past what you perceive. Look past & see Me." "What you see is not what I see. What you hear are not My words. What you perceive may be correct but even if it is correct, it very well may not be Truth in My eyes. I am Truth. I am Peace. I am Hope. I am Joy. I am Who matters. I am What matters. I Am." "Look past & see Me." That's all I needed.

You see, God has been speaking to me for quite some time about a particular area of my life that He is desiring to change. An area that takes purposed obedience on my part. An area that requires me to relinquish my will in order to follow hard after His. An area that needs my submission. My humility. My forfeiting. An area that necessitates me bowing low & looking up. Something that in & of myself, I CAN'T DO yet through Him I CAN! I've clearly heard his voice over & over & over & now I must choose. Will I obey or will I demand my own way?

 But Samuel replied: "Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.

I Samuel 15:22

I know what He is asking me to do is for my good & His glory.
The very thing He is asking me to give up is the very thing that tempts me to trip.
Always landing me in a hole.
Why do I find it so hard to let go of something that causes me harm?
Abandoning it is for my protection.
Yielding it over is for my growth.
Forsaking it will draw me closer unto Him.
I, never, in this life, want to purposefully disobey.
Even when it hurts.
Even when it's hard.
Even when I really don't want to do what He's asking.
His will always reigns supreme.
Therefore I secede.
I acknowledge that He is right.
I will not justify my will.
I will not analyze.
I will obey.

I choose to look past...
I choose to look up...
I choose to listen...

Obedience is my only option.

He is Truth.
He is God.
He loves me.

Today...

It's been a great day here...
Early morning walk with a precious friend...
Text from my sister that reminds me she is thinking of my family during loss...
Flowers watered & lawn mowed before noon...
Cleansing shower...
Nice visit with mom...
Laundry folded...
Bed made (better late than never)...
Needed visit to the store...
Refreshing kiss from Kyle upon his return from work...
Relaxing moments in the pool with those I love most...
Basking in the warm sun on the patio... 
Delicious grilled chicken & baked potato with steamed broccoli...
Enjoyable chat on the porch swing with the man of my life...

Preparing for the events of the next few days...
A few games of Rack-o with Kyle & the girls...
Laughter around the table reminding us of Bri...
Late-evening cappuccino...
Texting convo with a precious niece...
Soothing sounds of Jim Brickman...

God has really been speaking to my heart today in regard to some things He is desiring to see changed in my life. New insights being opened to me. A treasure-trove of truths. Truths that I know are for my good & His glory if I will only listen. Intently listen. Time on the mower typically affords me that time to just be still & listen.

I love being challenged...sharpened...convicted...

It's been a great day here...

This Life...

I've spent the majority of my morning in the kitchen. You see, my best friend from high school is in the area visiting for a few days & is coming here tonight for dinner. When she's back from sunny Arizona, we try to see her as much as possible but it's hard since there are many other people who are vying for her time as well. When she said that she & Brett would be here for supper, I asked her what she would prefer to eat...grill food or homestyle/comfort food. Not at all surprising to me, she chose comfort food...chicken & noodles with corn! :) So all morning I have been busy making pies, mixing up noodles, baking a chicken & preparing for their arrival. Doesn't seem like a big deal other than MaKayla chose lemon pie for dessert & I decided to take it on myself to make a homemade, from-scratch lemon pie. We had lemons left from MaKayla's graduation Saturday (a post will be coming on that when I can collect my thoughts enough to share) so I juiced them, zested them & gathered all my ingredients for the recipe I was using. I decided to make my meringue first so it would be done & ready to top the hot filling. As I gathered my eggs from the fridge, I quickly remembered that I NO LONGER have an electric mixer (one of those simplification things when my last mixer quit on me & I chose not to buy another one). Hmmm... I have learned how to beat eggs for Kyle's infamous waffles & I got by without it when mixing the homemade buttercream frosting from last weekend's cupcakes, but meringue... Seemed quite daunting... Especially after the first batch failed. But as I gathered the ingredients to try again, I said, "Lord, if the women of old could accomplish this task without an electric mixer, I know You can give me the strength & knowledge to do it as well." It was just the motivation I needed. I whipped, beat, stirred, whipped & beat some more while MaKayla gradually added the sugar I needed & FINALLY it reached the desired consistency. Amazing... Thank you, Lord! :)

As I continued working on this evening's meal, the Holy Spirit really began speaking to my heart. MaKayla was quietly helping me in the kitchen while Mal bathed and a serene instrumental played softly on my kitchen stereo.

 Simple... Isn't that how life is supposed to be? It reminded me of an article I read last night out of MaKayla's most recent KBR magazine on homemaking that echoed my sentiments exactly. I'm a homemaker & I love it. I love the simplicity of it. I love teaching & training our girls. I love taking on challenges & trying to accomplish the impossible. I love being home & doing life. I love being present when Kyle arrives after a long day of work. I love lying under shade trees with MaKayla & Mal studying God's Word together. I love creating a "comfort meal" for a precious friend who rarely gets "comfort meals". :) I love washing clothes, doing dishes, folding laundry, being still, learning healthy eating, taking on tasks that seem daunting. I love doing these things because this is what God has called me to. MaKayla asked me the other night during a discussion we were having if I wished I had a "different life"...  A life filled with money, possessions, status, name brand clothing, fancy cars, upscale living... I've thought alot about that question since she asked it & even after giving it much contemplation/analyzation, my answer remains the same as it was the night she asked it, "No, I would never choose such a life over the life I have been given. I would never choose that over this. I love my life. I love my Jesus. I love my man. I love my girls. I. Love. Life."

So with flour covering me (and the floor), potatoes peeled & waiting to be boiled, two pies done, chicken baking, laundry beckoning to be folded, sheets on the clothesline & bread to be baked, the Holy Spirit reminds me that this is what I am here for. This is what I am called to do. These are the things that matter. This life is what I was created for. I'm not here to let our girls fend for their own. I am not here to have a husband come home to an empty house. I am not here to work outside the home so that MaKayla & Mal can have designer clothes, the newest cell phone & a fancy car. I'm not here so that they can run circles with friends & do all the "extras" in life. I'm here to teach them. To nurture them. To train them. To love them. To create a legacy for them. To help them understand better of Jesus. I'm here to welcome Kyle home. To listen about his day. To encourage his heart. To be his helpmeet. To love him with EVERYTHING I am. To be near.

The life we live is simple...
The life we live is precious...

This life is my life & I am so unexplainably grateful today... ♥