What I've Allowed...

God has been stirring in my heart so much these past few weeks.
Compelling me to dig deep & exhume buried hurts...
Words spoken.
Actions displayed.
Attitudes extended.

You know, we have a way of burying those things that we would rather not work through.
Just push them down a little farther & then I won't have to think about them.
Conceal them a little more & I won't have to acknowledge the reality of them.
Deny their presence & then I won't have to face the pain of their remembrance.

Criticism.
Ridicule.
Mockery.
An object of jest.

When we push these things aside...
Burying them...
Concealing them...
Denying them...
Masking them with something else...

We are embalming our hurts...

Have you ever thought about it that way?

When you chose to ignore or deny or bury or conceal...

You are choosing to embalm those things that have seared the inner fibers of your heart...

- embalm -

to treat with preservatives in order to prevent decay

to protect from change or oblivion; preserve

to impart fragrance; to perfume

Embalming our hurts...
Means we are preserving them within our hearts.
We're protecting them.
We're adding our own fragrance to them.

In turn, we're not allowing God to heal them...
Remove them...
Let them decay...

I received a phone call a few years back from an individual who was not at all happy with me... For many reasons. For over an hour I listened to them list instance after situation after shortcoming after occurrence of things I had done towards them that they deemed had borne insecurity & anxiety in their life. Many of the things they mentioned, I simply had no recollection of... Sadly, one-by-one (whether real or imagined), they had embalmed those things in their heart. I repeatedly apologized & asked for their forgiveness.

I've done the same thing with other people...

Not physically listing them to the person...

But listing them in my heart...

Embalming them...

As I've done a lot of thinking & praying over the past several weeks, God has faithfully removed many scales from my eyes. He has helped me to see where I have allowed situations like the one above to squelch the Spirit of God within me.

Much like the label, "unapproachable..."
Or "holier than thou..."
Or "better than..."

Branded.

I've been told, "I'm so glad you think you've got it all together..."
And, "It's great you have all your ducks in a row..."
And, "I'm glad you think your family is perfect..."

Scarred.

I've allowed those things to pierce my heart...
Drain my life's blood...
Diminish the spirit within me...

I know many of these things have been said because of how we choose to live...
Yet the pain is still real.

And although I should be stronger than to let the words & attitudes affect me...
My heart is flesh...

I hurt just like everyone else...
So does my husband.
So do our children.

I should be stronger...
But some days, most days, I'm simply not.

And although it may appear as though we think we have it all together...
We don't...
And we know it...

In the past few weeks, God has allowed three specific things to cross my path in order to help me see what I've allowed & to start the process of realigning my focus...

Because what it all comes down to...
Is a deliberate work of the enemy...
To dim the Light that God has placed within us...
To weaken our witness...
To replace strength...
With insecurity...

To replace confidence in Christ...
With timidity...

In an attempt to make that heart of flesh...
A heart of stone...

As a means to take that contagious spirit of joy that I once had...
And weigh it down with shackles & chains...

By the way of exchanging a passionate heart for ministry...
And convincing me that if I work it out, people will knit-pick me all the more...

Thus the walls I've built...
Thus the isolation I've resorted to...
Thus the self-sufficiency I've settled for...

Misunderstood.

What people see in me as self confidence.
Egotism.
Arrogance.

Has been insecurity.

Is it their fault?
Not completely...

It's what I've allowed...

I take full responsibility.

Kyle's best friend Tom posted this on his facebook wall a few weeks back...
As I read it to Kyle, he said, "I think that's from 'Akeelah and the Bee'..."
And then I mentioned it to Mal, and she said, "That's in 'Akeelah and the Bee'..."
And then I brought it up to MaKayla & she responded with, "'Akeelah and the Bee'..."
It obviously made an impression even as long ago as it's been... ♥

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? 

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. 

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. 

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. 

 It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, 

 we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we are liberated from our own fear, 

our presence automatically liberates others.”

- Marianne Williamson

It's really made me think deep.
And consider how I've gone from those personalities that others saw through me & in me at 'University of Joy' to where I am & who I am today...

In perspective, I'm still very much the same person...
With the same Spirit of God living within me...

Somewhere along the way, I've equated criticism with a perverse sense of humility.
Timidity.
Isolation.

Why do I allow others to determine how bright I allow God's light to shine through me?
If people are offended by my depth of faith & passion for living Christ, is that not an issue between them & God, rather than an issue between them & me?

And then I read this out of Max Lucado's newest book, 'You'll Get Through This':
"You are a version of Joseph in your generation. You represent a challenge to Satan's plan. You carry something of God within you, something noble and holy, something the world needs -- wisdom, kindness, mercy, skill. If Satan can neutralize you, he can mute your influence."

When we allow the criticism, ridicule, mockery & jesting of others to diminish the light of Christ from shining brightly through our lives...

We are allowing Satan to neutralize us...

Deceived.

Sometimes we allow the light itself to be diminished...
Seeing ourselves less than God sees us...
Falling short of being an effective witness...

The dark wins.

And sometimes the light is still brightly shining within us, we're just hesitant to let it be seen.

Afraid.
Fearful.
Insecure.

The light struggles to radiate.

“You are the light of the world. 

A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. 

Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, 

but on a lampstand, 

and it gives light to all who are in the house. 

Let your light so shine before men, 

that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven. 

~ Matthew 5:14-16

It's not about shining bright to bring attention to ourselves but to make much of Christ.

Healthy humility.

Does any of this resonate within you?

Have you been a light brightly shining only to be condemned?
Have you excelled at something only to be scrutinized?
Have you been passionate about something only to be ridiculed?

What did you do with it?
How did you handle it?
Where did you take it?

Did you bury it?
Deny it?
Conceal it?
Mask it?
Push it?
Embalm it?

Or did you take it to God & ask His opinion?
Invite His healing?
Seek His courage?

Sadly, for too long, I've believed it...

The words...

The attitudes...

The actions...

I've received the words & accepted them as truth...

I've buried the hurt & built walls to protect myself...

I've denied the pain & allowed insecurity to take up residence...

God says, 

"Break free from such bondage & let My light shine...BRIGHTLY..."

"Exercise your gifts..."

"Use your talents..."

"Share with others what I've invested in you..."

Digging out that t-shirt & those pins from 'U of J' that I was blessed with so many years ago, 

God reminds me of who I once was...

And who I still am...

What I've allowed needs to be replaced with what God says...

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. 

Love them anyway. 

If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. 

Do good anyway. 

If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. 

Succeed anyway. 

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. 

Do good anyway. 

Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. 

Be honest and transparent anyway. 

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. 

Build anyway. 

People who really want help may attack you if you help them. 

Help them anyway. 

Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. 

Give the world your best anyway." 

-- Mother Teresa

As you consider the thoughts of this post, I pray that you will dig deep...
Replacing what other's say, with what God says...
Living the person He longs for you to be...