What Does Maturity Look Like... How Would Maturity Show Forth...

It's a gloomy, gray & rainy day here. The wind is swift yet the breeze is warm...at least for mid-November. The weather we have been experiencing for this time of year has been phenomenal. Other than a few frost-bitten nights, the days have been mildly wonderful. But since our home has been filled with snot & sneezing... Coughs & Kleenexes... We haven't been out much. First, Mal & then Kyle...causing him to miss a day of work. Sunday night I wanted to hog-tie & muzzle him. Snort, sniff. Toss, turn. Cough, moan. Up & down. Bathroom. Drink. Throat lozenge. Bathroom. Blowage of the nose. Coughage of the throat. Slurping of the water. Bathroom. Snort, sniff. Toss, turn. Cough, moan. Goodness... He & I had a pleasant conversation the next morning at the difference between women/moms with illness & men/fathers who are ailing. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing men but this is the real deal... Seriously. And the internet says there is proof that sickness with men is more intense than with women... Go figure. Maybe my patience should have waned longer... :) I put all things in perspective & remind the ailing often, "It could be the pukes..." They quickly relent their misery. :) In the midst of it all, life continues on. ♥

My lengthy blogpost is nearly finished & will soon be filed into the hidden archives. So much understanding, freedom & release comes in doing the painful & although I had to push myself to continue on, I am so thankful that I did. Honestly, putting thought to finger is a means of revelation, wisdom & redemption for me. Getting my thoughts out gives me the ability to let loose & move forward. With the sentiments of my heart documented, I can free up that portion of storage space...in my mind...in my heart...in my spirit. I can let it go & let God work it out. So blessed by friends who challenge me to do that which would be easier to bury...suppress...harbor yet what benefit are any of those things? None at all. To anyone. And gives Satan the opportunity to continually resurface. No thanks. I'm in search of freedom, not bondage. I may post a few of the excerpts that I feel may be beneficial to others & where specific details lack disclosing... Love is the rule... Love protects. ♥

Something that has been wafting in & out of my mind & that God keeps showing forth glimpses of is maturity. Maturity. And most of us as adults would think that since we are adults, we are mature. But I wonder...are we? The areas God has been showing glimpses of, He asks, "What does maturity look like in this situation? How would maturity show forth in that response?" It's made me do a lot of thinking & searching. Seeking & evaluating.

I have a small, diverse, humble circle of women on facebook who belong to a closed group that I created a year or so ago. It's a group that I comb for thoughts... Insight... Understanding... Most of them have never met, don't know one another or have no association with each other yet we are all sisters...in Christ. I am grateful for their sporadic fellowship & transparent hearts in this journey of life. So grateful. Last week's question was, "In doing some study this morning I am attempting to comprise a list of specific marks of maturity. I have a few things penned but wanted to ask for further thoughts on what you see/deem as attributes of spiritual & emotional maturity? Anyone willing to share?" One humble heart shared that she was having such an "immature week" that she wasn't sure she could identify with maturity. Haven't we all been there? Transparency at it's finest. :) One mentioned humility & another selflessness. A few others... An open mind, willing to look at both sides of anything. As well as turning the other cheek & taking more flack than we deserve. Another sweet sister who I have never personally met yet have deeply grown to love & respect (and someday hope to sit across the table from) first said the Fruit of the Spirit came to her mind & then added, "When the Bible uses the word 'perfect' it can mean mature, particularly in the NT. (Like when it says in Timothy that the man of God be perfect.) Job was called perfect in the same verse he was described as upright, feared God & eschewed evil." Ah...this resonated. And compelled me to dig...deep...into God's Word. Her response sharpened me into looking past surface maturity & searching to know how God sees & defines maturity. Do any of you know how I passionately wish & wish passionately that I could weekly sit with a group of women to dig & search & seek...together...over coffee or hot tea...with Bibles wide open...and hearts lain bare? In order to know more?

I had already scribbled several thoughts of revelation in my journal...

Content...
Peaceful...
Focused.

And as I worked around the house, the Lord would place more on my heart...

Certain...
Intentional...
Resolved.

And as I reflected on how I processed life, more filtered in...
And I was enlightened to my "lacking".

Unshaken...
Assertive...
Unselfish.

Bit-by-bit...my list grew...

Not emotionally driven...
Doesn't minimize others...
Solid.

The ability to distinguish correction from criticism...

Conviction from condemnation...

Sharpening from ridicule.

Consistent...
Quiet-at-heart...
Owns mistakes.

Lives in the Spirit rather than in the flesh...

Self-discipline...
Sees personal weakness as a means of growth...
Isn't prone to self-pity/self-martyrdom.

Loving and forgiving as a child would...

Thinking and responding as an adult.

Doesn't feel the need to defend oneself...
Faces adversity rather than runs from it...
Desires to grow/enlarge others.

Mature people are aware of the desires, feelings & purposes of those around them as a means to not intentionally offend yet they don't "own" those desires, feelings & purposes themselves.

Faces conflict with humility & courage...
Rejoices with others in their accomplishments...
Takes ownership of responsibility.

Mature people know who they are, how & what they believe. 

They take ownership of their individual feelings, desires, purposes & emotions & they not only fail to ask others to take ownership/responsibility for those things but they, as well, don't allow others to diminish, discourage, negate or devalue the person they are.

Isn't easily provoked or quickly angered...
Doesn't use manipulation to get their own way...
Not an excuse-maker.

Receives correction, conviction & sharpening with grace...

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

If I placed a big, red ouch beside each area that I know without any question that I fall short in, well, you would think vastly different of me.

If I graded myself on this list above & marked a bold, red check mark near the ones I am lacking in, my grade would be one of failure.

Considering the list thus far, how do you see yourself in light of maturity?

There is NO drama in the heart of a mature person.

Drama that says...

Look at me...

Feel sorry for me...

Take pity on me...

See how wonderful I am...

Please place your attention on me.

As my one sister-in-Christ shared, some days/weeks I do fairly well & others...well...epic fail. This compilation really stretched me & gave me much to think about & consider. Honestly, it's made me more aware of when I know I am not acting or responding in a mature manner & it reminds me...

It reminds me that I am 40-something & God expects me to act as such...

I mean really, when we act or respond in an immature manner, what does this do to our Christian witness & our integral character? These aren't elementary concepts however how often do we truly evaluate? For me, not near enough.

~maturity~ 

*The ability to respond to the environment in an appropriate manner.

Appropriate manner... Yep, if I compare that statement to the list above, it works.

*This response is generally learned rather than instinctive.

Interesting... Maturity is learned... Somewhere... At some point... From someone. Maturity doesn't just happen. Which means that since we are adults, people, of all ages, are watching us. Learning from us. This reality was enlightening & humbling. Someone watching could be modeling their level of maturity after me...

*Maturity also encompasses being aware of the correct time & place to behave and knowing when to act, according to the circumstances and the culture of the society one lives in.

This statement made me think of several things... It reminded me of MaKayla & Mal watching Barney as little tykes & learning that some voices are intended for inside use & some for outside. It makes me think of times when we tried to help kids understand that running outside or in a gymnasium is acceptable where inside a church or enclosed building is not. It stirs me to remember that certain conversations of sensitivity are acceptable with some people & some simply aren't. The list is endless...

Once I had this list tucked safely in my journal, I began studying Biblical/spiritual maturity... And I turned immediately to my concordance, commentary & Greek-Hebrew Bible. I first focused in on six specific Scriptures & after reading them individually, I expanded the study into reading the entire chapter where each verse originated in order to gain a better understanding. So that I made sure that what I was reading was in context.

"The goal of the Christian is expressed by the Greek word teleioteta, which is translated 'maturity'. The believer is to pursue maturity instead of going back to the initial rudiments of Christianity."

The questions that stir within me in correlation to that explanation are...
How many Christians have intentional, spiritual goals?
How many believers pursue spiritual maturity?

full-grown in mind and understanding
in knowledge of the truth
in Christian faith & virtue
irreproachable, blameless, fitted, complete, perfect, entire, whole
NOT to be confused with the Greek word anamartetos, meaning without sin or sinless.
the act of completing, finishing, a filling up

Do you notice all the things maturity is & the one thing it is not?

As I studied, the more God's Word became the solid, foundational platform that upholds that lengthy "surface list" outlined above.

1 Corinthians 2
Be mature in understanding & wisdom & then live by it. If the Spirit lives within me, I have understanding in regard to spiritual things. Do I accept that which the Spirit imparts? Do I apply it & live by it? Spiritual maturity does.

1 Corinthians 14
Mature individuals aren't self-edifying. They are always mindful of strengthening & encouraging the weak rather than "parading" their strengths. They don't seek what is best or most comfortable for themselves rather they consider the enlargement or furtherance of others. Is this how I live? Spiritual maturity does.

Ephesians 4
Maturity is keeping the bonds of peace & remaining unified with other Christians even when we may not agree. It is remaining consistent in what we know rather than being influenced by emotion or manipulation. For our goal is to sharpen one another & to encourage one another in the wake of eternity. To help those we share spiritual bloodlines with grow & be strong as we sojourn this side of Heaven. Are those my goals? What about you? Spiritual maturity does this.

Philippians 3
Maturity is leaving the past & the shame therein behind us. It is taking where we've been & where God has brought us & sharing it as a testimony of His goodness & faithfulness. It's using what we have learned to press on to find, gain & achieve that which Christ has in store for us. It is looking past differences with fellow believers in order to make much of Christ, all-the-while, seeking to gain understanding & clarity at the core of those differences. Do I do these things? Do I let shame go free when my sin is forgiven or do I stay connected to it? How about you? And is your greatest desire to make much of Christ even when other Christians don't agree with your position? And at the disagreement am I willing to continue searching until I know that I know that I know what God has shown me is Truth? And if I was seeing things wrong am I willing to acknowledge my ignorance in order to establish a stronger unity? Spiritual maturity does.

Colossians 1
Maturity is growing up in Christ. It's daily deepening our understanding & our knowledge of who He is & who He has created us, as His children, to be. It's moving past the milk & having a genuine hunger & desire for the meat. It's taking our eyes off of the temporal in order to strive for the eternal & having our focus being away from we, in the flesh & fixing our gaze on He, in the Spirit. Do you find yourself satisfied or are you always looking for something new to learn? Are you getting enough nourishment to just get by or are you consistently hungry for "the more"? Are you going deeper? Seeing further? Spiritual maturity never settles.

Hebrews 5
Maturity is knowing the basic principles of salvation & God's Word & moving beyond. It is the ability to move past the "stories", the familiar passages, the Scriptures that are flippantly used & having the ability to see the depth beyond the surface. It's building on the foundational truths. It's taking the wisdom/knowledge gleaned & applying it...putting it to use...working it out. Do I do this like I should? Or am I at times like the soil upon which the seed fell but didn't allow it to penetrate, take root & sprout in preparation for growth & the bearing of fruit? Spiritual maturity does.

Spiritual maturity is moving past the milk (basic teachings) & embracing the meat...

But we can't do that if we aren't in the Word.
Daily.

Babies don't stay babies...
Toddlers don't stay toddlers...
Adolescents don't remain adolescents.

Or at least they shouldn't...

And most would question if they did.

Yet sadly, the vast majority of Christians never advance beyond the stage in which they turned their lives over to Christ. Like all other transitions in life our walk with God is a gradual transformation by being stretched & challenged & nudged out of our comfort zone. It's moving past the elementary teachings & searching His Word to know more. To gain a better understanding. To gain wisdom on who He wants us to be. But how many are willing to put forth the effort? What number of Christians are comfortable right where they are? And have no desire to be anything or anyone different?

That list above...
Pushes me...
Stretches me...
Challenges me.

The ability to see past the surface of another person's heart to the truth & depth therein yet without the compulsion to judge, condemn or offend...

It reminds me that I've come a long way from where I was but reveals that I still have a long way to go.

As I've pondered this I see where the church itself is partially responsible yet we as individuals are responsible as well. Many pastors continue to teach the pablum (as my pops refers to it) & fail to place the meat in front of their congregations. They shy away from the complicated teachings or the areas that could cause unrest, discomfort or confusion. However isn't that where transformation most often takes place? Isn't that where you see the most growth in children? When they are encouraged to go from crawling to walking? When teething takes place? When they have to stop using their fingers to feed themselves & are challenged to use a fork & spoon? Transition is a part of everyday life...except in our walk with Christ. We don't want anyone to feel offended/convicted... So we just stick to the familiar... The easy to understand... The things that don't stir controversy. Yet if the meat is never placed in front of us, how will we ever move beyond the milk?

And we remain immature...
Stunted...
Unlearned.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

~1 Corinthians 13:11

Because if we aren't being challenged to transform, grow & expand our knowing in the public meeting of worship, we must take responsibility, through the grace & influence of the Holy Spirit, to engage a deeper learning for ourselves.

It's essential.
And something we will be held accountable for.

Whether it's getting up earlier, staying up later or removing something from our schedule that carves time out & frees up space for study & prayer.

When it comes down to it, maturity is a choice. 

Whether of the secular nature or of the spiritual nature...

It's a reality that requires desire & effort...
Sacrifice & intentionality.

I look at my life & it's tempting to be deeply ashamed...
For so many reasons...
In so many areas.

I haven't handled things correctly nor have I responded in a responsible manner. I recognize so much immaturity in regard to my role as a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I see where I have acted in so many unbecoming ways with fellow Christians & unbelievers alike. I am reminded of moments where I could have been a tool of instruction but instead I allowed the other person/people no opportunity for learning. I acknowledge situations where I have been more of a disgrace to God rather than an instrument for His glory.

Those moments when I felt like I had to "prove" myself...
Or defend.

Those instances where instead of listening & remaining still...
I felt compelled to contribute my "two cents".

Those situations in which I felt intimidated or insecure...
And I recoiled into self-pity.

Those times that I knew I should be considering the other person...
And I could only think of self.

Those circumstances where an element of drama was added...
But was so unnecessary & only added an emotional twist  in order to place attention on me.

My heart confesses...

I am humbled...
I am repentant.

And now that I have been enlightened I have no excuse & every time I refer to this list I am reminded. I may often feel as though I have a "right" to act, respond or display an attitude as I wish yet such thinking is shallow; for God is continuously placing me in opportunities & situations where I can make much of Him & be an example to others.

He is showing me that in my "lacking", He desires to redeem me. Where in those "wasted years" with MaKayla & Mal, he longs to guide me in helping them see maturity for what it truly is. That I can genuinely apologize to them for the poor example I have been yet vow to point them in the right direction through my words, my attitude, my actions & my responses. That they can detect a difference in me & begin to repattern some of their "learned tendencies". ♥ I never meant to damage...that was my last intention & I am most thankful that ignorance can be redeemed through the grace of God & the blood of Christ.

So thankful...

For grace that covers...

And blood that cleanses.

If you've made it through this lengthy post, I would be humbled & honored to hear your thoughts. ♥

Was maturity modeled for you in your formative years?
Do you feel like you have a good grasp on maturity?
Are there areas after reading this where you see adjustments could be implemented?

Thank you for doing this Christ-following journey with me. ♥

Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.

~1 Corinthians 14:20

We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because  you are slow to learn.

In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you

the elementary truths of God's word all over again.

You need milk not solid food!

Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant,

is not acquainted with the teachings about righteousness.

But solid food is for the mature, 

who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.

Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity,

not laying again the foundation of repentance from the acts that lead to death,

and of faith in God, instructions about baptisms, the laying on of hands,

the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgement.

~Hebrews 5:14 - 6:1-2

Candidly...It's Selfish & Sinful.

It's a Monday...
A new day...
A new week...
A fresh, clean canvas.

A canvas for words to be written...

Paint to be splattered...
Ink to be embedded...
Creativity to be unfolded.

It's a canvas for lives to be impacted...
Hearts to be touched...
Love to be invested.

As a wife & a mom...
A friend & a sister-in-Christ...
This is how I discern God desiring me to look at the days ahead.

Mal & I are back in the full-swing of school mode & honestly, we are both loving it. Routine, responsibilities, challenges to be conquered & concepts to be learned. I can't even articulate how thankful I am for her diligence & determination as she purposes to be focused & resolved in mastering a new depth of instruction. This year has been much harder & has required much more time & attention than any other year thus far and at first, although it was daunting & overwhelming, she has been courageous & has risen to the tasks placed before her. ♥  I love her tenacity... ♥

And as I'm sure many of you are wondering, MaKayla is doing wonderful as well. Over the past several weeks she has fully embraced the life & role of being a farmer's wife & is finding much fulfillment & contentment therein. She's visibly happy, radiant & full of joy...such a gift to see firsthand.  As a mom, it's an inexplicable blessing seeing your children function where God has strategically placed them & I find my heart thankful. ♥

As both girls have settled well into this newness of life, I have found the freedom to settle back into typical life myself. I wish there were a way to express how thankful I am for the grace & mercy & strength & peace God has afforded us in the transition. After 21 years of doing life side-by-side, day in and day out, with very few days apart from one another, the moving from that life to this life, with the exception of a few minor instances where a short-lived meltdown has been present, it has been a natural shifting of seasons. Of course, we miss MaKayla's daily presence & invaluable contribution to our home & she misses us & our continual companionship yet when one is in their proper place, doing what God has entrusted them to do, with their eyes focused on Him, simply put, it just works. Prior to the Lord bringing a mate into MaKayla's life & in the weeks leading up to the wedding, with the help & guidance of the Holy Spirit, I did my best to prepare our family for the impending changes... I'm a hands-on wife/mom who doesn't wait for the signs of a threatening storm to be present before we take cover.

Safety...security...peace...strength...hope...anticipation...joy... These have been abundant these past several weeks & I can assure you, I don't take them for granted. ♥

I wish there were a way to express how thankful I am...

For me settling back into typical life means early-rising & immersing myself in God's Word before nature awakens. It means being nourished in spirit before the demands of the day approach me. It means giving God the opportunity to set my heart & mind at rest so that I can meet challenges with soundness & Truth. It means being quiet & listening to the Holy Spirit speak to me the words that God knows I need to hear...

Words of encouragement...

Words of correction...

Words of instruction.

These are the very things that sustain the life within me.

Morning-by-morning as I immerse myself in God's Word, He chooses to speak wisdom & truth to me. He chooses to grow me & challenge me. He chooses to change & shape & transform me. He chooses to breathe life within me. Life like I have never known... Scriptures awaken & become radiant. They meet me where I'm at & instruct me in the way I am to think & speak & act. They deepen & widen & broaden my understanding. They align my feelings & emotions with the solidity of Truth. Can I say it's always pleasant & easy to devour? Um, no. But is it always for my benefit & His glory? Most definitely. I would be lying if I didn't admit that the past several months of living have been the most stretching & taxing... And if I weren't a peacemaker at heart or I didn't give a thought more or less of what people thought... Of if I turned a blind eye or a deaf ear to anything & everyone with the exception of self... Or if I simply didn't care, than these things that have labored my heart & tested my being would have been non-existent & life would have been a breeze. But... I am a peacemaker & I do care what others think. Above all, I desire unity & harmony... And since I am not a person who very rarely thinks of self... Drowning out the desires & feelings of others simply isn't an option for me. Bottom line, I am a person who cares.

As I journey through Proverbs over & over & over again, God is specifically showing me how to approach those situations in life that are wearing & taxing & stretching. Those people who have a natural tendency to labor & test me. I am learning...

And in this learning He speaks loudly & consistently...
He guides me step-by-step...
Day-by-day...
Situation-by-situation...
In a way that no human being could guide...

For He knows my heart & He sees therein.

In the coming days & weeks I long to find time to articulate those things here...as a record & as a testimony. As a means to look back & be reminded. Not just for me, but for MaKayla & Mal.

You know, I wish I could write one of those colorful, flowery, filled-to-the-brim-with-happiness posts that people eagerly anticipate covering the details of Dillon & MaKayla's wedding that took place on September 6th but if I'm candid & real, I can't. And to be honest, that is the post I am working up the courage to compose that more than likely most will never read with the exception of that one friend who asked me to put it together as a means of therapy & healing for my aching heart. No, I'm not being dramatic or exaggerating things that weren't as if they were, because they were. They are. I'm just saying... I can't... For it wasn't. And in the weeks following that September 6th event, I have been diligently & intently searching & seeking truths to heal & wisdom to align & instruction to correct & understanding to understand. And bit-by-every-little-bit, that which I am seeking & searching to discover, I am finding.

One big thing God has helped me to clearly see is that unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition between people gains no winners...or losers.

Think about it... Competition is an avenue to deem one person or team or group of people stronger, smarter, more skilled or more successful. It's a means to prove that one is greater with the other being lesser. One being primary with the other being secondary. One classified superior while the other is categorized as inferior. One being first-class while the other is seen as second-rate. One is declared the winner... The other declared...the loser. And once the declaration is made, one feels empowered & proud while the other is left feeling defeated & shamed. This reality is present in sports, corporate-world, academics & any trade in life. Sadly, it doesn't stop there... It exists in the arenas of parenting, marriage, every possible family relation (siblings, cousins, in-laws, aunts/uncles, grandparents, ect), friends, brothers & sisters in Christ...

And whether we want to acknowledge it or not...it's damaging.

Sure, competition can compel us to learn more... It can challenge us to try harder... It can propel us to hone skill. But for the purpose of what? To come out on top? To prove to someone else that we are stronger, smarter, richer? More favored, skilled or successful?

And although some competitions are known & recognized as such...
More than are, aren't.

You see, that second group that I spoke of a few paragraphs back...parenting, marriage, family relations, friends, brothers & sisters in Christ... The competing that is present & taking place within those ties & connections are most often unspoken.

And because sports teams are just sports teams & colleagues are just colleagues & students are just students, they compete & go their separate ways in life without the depth of emotional ties that the other relationships contain. It doesn't mean that long-term insecurity isn't instilled which very much disheartens me (especially among students & colleagues) yet the long-term implications & damages are less. Those tight-knit relationships are altogether something different. And should be treated as such. Yet we divulge...or at least I do. We want to be the one who does more or gives more... We want to be the one who gains the most attention & affection... We want to be admired & esteemed to a degree higher... We want to be the better cook or the more fashionable... We want to be the coolest or funnest or the more spiritual... We want to be the more gifted or talented or discerning... We want to be the stronger or wiser or favored... And sadly, many times, more times than not, we will do just about anything to achieve the prize...the award...the honor. When in all actuality, the "doing just about anything" damages...destroys...defeats...demeans, the one with whom we are secretly competing against. As well as ourselves. Candidly, it's selfish & sinful.

So why do we do it? Why do I do it? Why do you do it?

As God spoke to me nearly two weeks ago as I was toodling through our home doing housework, "Unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition gains no winners...or losers. Both "teams" just wear themselves out from trying, attempting, working to gain "victory" over the contest. How senseless. How can one win against another when one of the parties may not even know there is a game to be won? A victory to be had? A contest to be duked out? How senseless."

And when truthfully, what is there to compete for? And is it worth what it's costing us? Me? You?

If I'm competing for love or admiration, that should come from who I am not from what I do...
If I'm competing for strength or favor...either I have it or I don't. It shouldn't have to be proven.
If I'm competing for discernment or spirituality or giftedness...that's for God to administer.
If I'm competing for attention or affection...when I give it in abundance, it will be returned the same.
And if it's not, I will have done what I know is right & integral.
If I'm competing for admiration or esteem...what difference does it really make?
If I'm competing for fashion or coolness or fun or best cook award...I'm vain.

Competition breeds pride rather than humility...

But if all I am doing is trying to compete in order to prove or achieve, I am actually losing. And if I'm competing with my opponent unaware, I am competing amiss & I will eventually wear myself out & gain me an enemy (whether real or perceived) rather than an ally.

God is grieved when we compete & work against each other fostering...
Disunity.
Discord.
Unrest.
Contention.
Strife.
Bitterness.
Resentment.
Envy.
It divides those that should be intimately connected & it weakens the witness & testimony that He desires we be.

For in order to compete to win, certain attributes that God instructs against have to be present to seal a "victory"...
Manipulation.
Deception.
Trickery.
Craftiness.
Secrecy.

And it costs us that which is most valuable...
Peace & rest (spiritual, mental, emotional).
And unwavering joy.

Competition gains enemies rather than allies...

God desires we work together...
To compliment.
To strengthen.
To sharpen.
To enrich.
To encourage.
To enlarge.
To be a living example of what His Word instructs.

Bearing my heart, I would rather pool resources & combine diversity to create a newness of beauty or strengthen what is already present than to remain on separate teams where there is division rather than unification.

Although I don't have all the answers and, this side of heaven, never will have, God is graciously extending Himself to me in order that I might see things, situations, circumstances more clearly. He's revealing areas in my life that are more destructive than constructive. Areas that are minimizing my effectiveness in loving well & administering grace. Places that I have a tendency to criticize rather than appreciate. Positions where He simply wants me to take care of myself rather than worrying about anyone else.

Do you see unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition in your own life?

The same friend I spoke of in the last post shared with me sometime ago amidst a conversation we were having, "It is a time thing. It will grow. You will look back and see what is created. I know you well enough." You know, she is right. ♥

Time is allowing the wounds to get air, rest from abrasion, subside from trauma in order to promote healing. From the inside out. And through the process, I am learning.

Thankful I am. ♥

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ,

if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit,

if any tenderness & compassion, 

then make my joy complete by being like-minded,

having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,

but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Each of you should look not only to your own interests,

but also to the interests of others.

~Philippians 2:1-4

There Is Never A Reason...

So much has happened & taken place since I last blogged that I really don't know where to begin... After so much action & motion over these past ten months, I am hoping that today just might be the first day of a "back to normal" schedule/way-of-life (it wasn't). The amount of times that the desire & thought of sitting down to type my thoughts into words so that I can see them, think through them & process them has been innumerable yet while those desires & thoughts were so very real, they also came at a time when someone or something needed my attention therefore it simply hasn't happened...until today. :) Sunday as we sat on the patio I found Mal on her phone smiling yet intent so I asked, "Mal, whatcha' looking at?" Her response, "The blog..." ♥

Looking back... 

Remembering... 

Being reminded. ♥

Lessons learned... 

Situations in life... 

Moments we cherished, relished & savored. ♥

I have been asked so many times to please, please, PLEASE start blogging again yet it has been one of those things that I simply didn't deem as a priority. And as precious, dear & deeply-loved sister-friend of mine messaged me the other day, we discussed my absence of shared thoughts... I opened my heart to her of certain life situations that have been miserable, painful & suffocating... It was no surprise to her, as although she hasn't "seen" me lately, she could "see" that my joy is dimmed.

So thankful for those who know me well enough to recognize even without "seeing"...

In person...

And reach out to check in & check up.

I revealed bits & pieces of my heart & told her that I wanted to pen...to type...to share...but knew the reality of that could be damaging & detrimental. Her caring reply, "Write your blog and send it to me. We can see where it leads you. Then publish???" :) I have yet to do it but am strongly considering the possibility. :)

With life resuming normalcy, I am so thankful to have back those first early moments of morning to sit alone with the Lord studying, praying, seeking, listening. 

Just to be with Him...

At His feet... 

Being fed & taught...

It's in these moments that I grow, gain understanding & am changed from the inside out. 

Moments that are more precious to me than any other. 

Moments that I wouldn't trade for anything else.

This morning as I emerged from bed & stepped into the shower, the reality of truth made it's way into my mind. I sought the Lord & asked what I was to see or understand & bit-by-bit He began forming & building on this word that could signify & mean so many things. He brought to my remembrance instances & situations & as my mind began to race, He said, "Be still." 

He quieted my spirit...

He stilled my mind...

He opened my heart.

I am a debater at heart & I have often thought that if I had pursued a career, I would have either chosen the path of journalism or law. For something I am passionate about, I can argue a case until I am out of breath or void of thought...literally, yet God showed me something very profound this morning.

There is never a reason or a point to defend truth.

Hmmm... Interesting. As I proceeded on with my shower, I continued to think over & ponder this revelation.

There is never a reason or a point to defend truth.

Ever.

Truth speaks for itself...
Truth is unchangeable...
Just because people don't believe, doesn't negate truth for what it is...
Truth.

Refraining from children's church/segregated Sunday school...

Holiday traditions or lack thereof...

Choosing to guard my heart & still my voice...

Like everyone else on this earth, there have been so many times in life where my thoughts, my aspirations, my convictions, my passions, my choices, my decisions, my understandings, my discernment, and on and on, have been questioned. And to be honest, I could count on one hand how many times those questionings were simply left as questionings without me feeling the need to defend or the compelling desire to convince. My perception of this vastly changed as of this morning & I'm not exactly sure why I haven't learned this lesson sooner other than either I wasn't ready for it or I was too stubborn. It could be one or the other...or a bit of both.

Homeschooling...

Details of a wedding...

Declining an extended opportunity...

Or it could be that I am simply so worn out & weary that I'm at the point of not caring...

But whatever the reason, God clearly showed me this morning that defending the truth is pointless. Don't get me wrong, if someone comes to me, or to you, desiring a better understanding or genuinely desiring to hear your heart, allow the Holy Spirit to direct your words in order to convey the sentiments therein. Yet when someone is disagreeable or headstrong on how they feel or what they see & there is no sincere longing to have a better "knowing", why contend? I've been around this block so many times in my years of living & I humbly admit that 99.9% of the time I feel the need to defend what I think, how I feel or what I believe.

Sometimes it's in regard to the events of a life situation... 

Sometimes it's in regard to how God has directed me... 

Regardless of what it entails, I should walk in peace, confidence, courage & boldness with truth at the helm.
And just because I can't convince someone of something, doesn't make it untruth...
Just because someone doesn't see things the way I do, doesn't make it invalid...
Just because someone makes me feel like I am wrong in how I discern or what I have chosen or how I have decided, doesn't deem it unworthy...

Natural healing vs. medicinal healing...

Walking away from complacency...

Home church...

Unless according to God's Word, it is.

To be honest, I am weary of being questioned yet I take my share of the blame for I am the one who allows it. Why in the world do I allow others to diminish, minimize & generate insecurity within me? Why do I allow the disapproval of others to shrink me back into a shell where I second-guess? Why do I allow others to intimidate me & cause me to feel like how I am feeling or what I am seeing or the decisions I am making are wrong?

Stay-at-home wife/mom...

Relocating home-wise/church-wise...

The intimacy in how our family functions...

It's suffocating.

I've faced this innumerable times & although I maybe thought I was facing it & dealing with it, I wasn't. I was suppressing. Muddling. Coping. Silencing. Surviving. Until the "event" passed & the pain diminished. Until another instance surfaced.

Stepping away from a relationship that requires more than I can give...

Ridicules more than it empowers...

Defeats more than it encourages...

Hurts more than it heals...

Refuses to respect...

The reality of it is...
God sees...
God understands...
God knows.

And to be perfectly honest, we owe no one an explanation but Him.

As I pondered this I was reminded of how Jesus responded when He was questioned in regard to what He spoke, how He lived, decisions He made, who He was. He didn't retaliate. He didn't elaborate. He didn't defend or convince or plead His case. He knew the Truth & He didn't apologize for it. He walked in it. Isn't that what he desires me to do as well? If He is my foundation & I am to model my life after Him, isn't that who He longs for me to be, too? Instead, I allow people to trump His authoritative position in my life...until now.

Moral boundaries...

Courtship vs. dating...

Following the Holy Spirit rather than the direction of man...

And to answer those questions that arrive me at the destination of suffocation...
Like many other people in this world, I long for approval & affirmation. I desire for people to like me, love me & support me where I'm at. I hunger for people I cherish to walk alongside of me even when they don't understand. Simply, I just want to be understood...even if you don't agree. Even if you don't agree, just try to understand & respect. Sadly a high percentage of the time when someone doesn't agree or understand, they pull away, refuse to respect, cease to respond, raise a cold shoulder, turn a deaf ear & their love, unfortunately, becomes conditional...simply because someone didn't do what they thought should have been done even when it really has nothing to do with them. Instead of others allowing us to own what is ours, they feel the entitlement to an explanation & we feel the pressure to give one. And the cycle begins again...until now.

When we do something out of a sense of duty, it is easy to explain the reasons for our actions to others. 

But when we do something out of obedience to the Lord, there can be no other explanation-just obedience. 

That is why a saint can be so easily ridiculed and misunderstood.

~Oswald Chambers

So in the current life situations I find myself looking square in the eyes at, I'm choosing peace to reign over my heart/mind/soul in what I know, with the assurance that God sees & knows even better than I.

He is my defender...
My strong tower...
My judge.

We make a mistake in trying always to clear ourselves. We should be wiser to go straight on, humbly doing the next thing, and leaving God to vindicate us. "He shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noon day." There may come hours when we shall be misunderstood, slandered, falsely accused. At such times it is very difficult not to act on the policy of the men around us in the world. They at once appeal to law and force and public opinion. But the believer takes his case into a higher court and lays it before his God. 

~F.B. Meyer

He Desires That We Do...

To say that life has been utterly, nonsensical, crazy around here would be an understatement. Ever since the beautiful events of June 20th unfolded we have been in a constant state of going, doing, creating, planning & deciding. On June 20th, Dillon asked MaKayla if she would be his forever...

And without hesitation she said, "Yes!"

Many dates were tossed around & considered & after trying to work around various schedules & conflicts it was deemed that a date simply had to be set with the hope & prayer that those closest to both Dillon & MaKayla would be able to be present. Of course the reality of harvest was one of the make-it or break-it considerations... ;) September 6th was Sharpied on the calendar & morning-by-morning, day-by-day & night-by-night, we have been in a continual mode of preparing. We're getting there but still have a ways to go. (A post more specific will come later...when time allows.)

Marci & I are hostessing a shower for MaKayla (and Dillon) on Saturday here in our home & my "things that need done" list are long & wide & deep. Yesterday I began the task of cleaning & preparing... This morning as I began thinking about the things I would like to get accomplished in my day ahead, my thoughts turned to the living room/dining room windows that are adorned with dusty curtains & speckled glass. And as I thought of the window coverings that have been present since we moved here ten years ago this summer, I realized that they really no longer "match"... And then I remembered a conversation with MaKayla & Mal the other day  which confirmed that the furniture lacks in the "matching area" as well. Immediately the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart...

"Mendi, how often do you get so comfortable & familiar with something that you fail to see the need for change?

The reality of "unmatching" curtains & furniture...
The reality that they match each other yet they don't match the paint color or decor...
The reality that, though time moves on, things remain unchanged.

Life has been full of transitions & we haven't even touched the surface of the ones about to take shape yet our flesh is tempted to dig our toes in the soil & refuse to move with the transitions. Our hearts see things nearing & we are compelled to hold on a little tighter...a little longer. Our minds recognize the upcoming changes however we choose to not acknowledge them for what they are.

It's easier to not go there...

As I process the physical implication as well as the spiritual application in regard to this moment of instruction from the One who feeds & cleanses my soul, I am challenged & it compels me to examine other areas of my life that need "switched up" & "spruced up". It urges me to evaluate places in my heart that have become stagnant, faded & adorned with cobwebs. It drives me to look around & recognize clutter that needs removed & refreshment that needs to be executed.

Remaining the same...
Resisting change...
Refusing to glide with the ebb & flow of life...

Creates a hardness...
Feeds control...
Inhibits God from providing color to our beings...

Boring.
Lonely.
Isolated.
Dull.
Suffocating.

Although God never changes, He desires that we do...

In conformity to His plan.

No, I'm not changing furniture or window coverings...yet.
We have a shower to prepare for & a wedding to plan! ♥

Does The Latter Diminish The Former...

It's a Thursday...
Another day where the weather can't seem to make up it's mind what it wants to do.
Cloudy one minute...
A peek of the sun the next.
It's NOT raining...so I will take the cloudy, warm, small-peeks-of-the-sun-kind-of-day. :)

Life continues to tick on here in our corner of the country, and I'm learning that every day has something new to offer. Every day contains something that God wants me to learn. :) I love, love, love to learn & to grow & to be stretched but sometimes I wonder if I will ever just have one day that I get it right... That I don't feel/see the need to change... Or a day that I feel I attained that which Christ has asked of me... I wonder.

As I have thought & pondered a vast array of things the past several days, it amazes me how new seasons of life inhibit conception of "new life" from a spiritual/emotional sense. Yes, new seasons breed change, adjustment & transition of the physical sense yet can one make those physical changes without spiritual, mental, & emotional change at the helm? I wonder if some people can & some people can't... I wonder.

I'm an analyzer at heart... I think & I think deep. Therefore, when seasons in my life change, my heart, mind, soul, being, must stretch, grow, adjust & transition as well. And due to how I am wired, that stretching, growing, adjusting & transitioning kicks my analytical mind into overdrive... I need to process & resolve. I desire to grasp & to receive. I hunger for knowing & understanding. I want those changes & transitions to be fruitful & life-giving... Not just for me, but for those that are walking that road with me.

And because of that...I am constantly considering...

Their thoughts...

Their feelings...

Their struggles...

Their victories...

Their well-being...

I want them to thrive.

MaKayla has now been in a courtship with Dillon for three-plus months. I can't even begin to articulate what a beautiful example, straight from God's hand, this reality of provision has been. I fail to be able to put into words what a blessing the process & the progression of their relationship has afforded. Richness. Yet amidst the beauty & the blessing their have been struggles & pain... Effort & difficulty.

Does the latter diminish the former?
Absolutely not.

It's a changing of gears & my gears are currently g-r-i-n-d-i-n-g...

What I can say is that it has generated a deep & wide expanse of refining & purifying for me. A straining of the soul, per se. I feel like my heart & my mind & my soul are being ran through a sieve every.single.day. A skimming of the dross. And what does refining & purifying & straining & sieving & skimming have in common?

What are their purpose? 

They remove the filth & the pollution...
They detect the sediment & the rottenness...
They reveal stench & contamination...

And I can honestly say that the process is inexplicably uncomfortable.

Not because I don't want the grossness gone, but because I don't just want those things instantly removed, I want to learn & grow & change in the process so that I step away unblemished in those areas that were once corrupt. I want to glean so that I can replant those organic seeds that I harvest in the heart of another "field". If I am simply instantly changed, what do I take away that can be reinvested in the seeking life that is walking behind? If I emerge with a miracle, yes, I have a testimony, but do I have wisdom & understanding & encouragement to pass on to another soul that is searching?

I know most reading this aren't surprised by the struggle I find myself in, for the vast majority have been waiting for the fall & the fail... The awakening... The jolt to reality... The inoculation of "the real world"...

For the duration of our child-rearing years others have seen us a overtly protective & sheltering to the point of hindering. They've seen us as having full-control & neglecting the allowance of MaKayla & Mal to have a voice. They've been waiting for the day... The day that one of them would either rebel or take a step of independence... The day that our perfect little kingdom would crumble. 

Our kingdom isn't crumbling... 

It is growing & expanding & changing colors... 

It is being enlarged...

It is birthing new life...

And we are excited.

Yes, most parents/children experience these steps... Independence takes shape... Separation is a reality... Compromise is learned... Much sooner & earlier in life. But for us, this life that God has chosen for us & called us to walk, is diverse. Our continual togetherness... Our team of four... Our consistent schedule... Our default coping mechanisms... Our customary way of looking at things... Is transforming. And with that transformation comes a remolding & remaking... A stripping away of the old, familiar; a regrafting of the healthy & new & then the process of healing. A ridding of generational curses that, over the years, have become comfortable yet in this new season, are apparent need to go.

Isn't that the way it is in any transition in life?

And for me, it's not so much of the physical but of the mental/emotional... It's where my analytical, seeking, wondering, processing, searching soul kicks into overdrive. A desiring to know & understand... In regard to the here & now... And in regard to the days ahead. God has always encouraged me as a mom to see that MaKayla & Mal are ours to lead & guide & protect, until... They are ours to look out after until the day arrives that He provides a young man to take over that role... That role of priest & prophet & protector & provider... That role of making sure her needs are met... Needs of the physical kind yet most especially, needs of the mental, spiritual & emotional sort... And being willing to put her needs before his. One who will cradle her heart & embrace her body... One who will discern her best interest (even if she may not see it as such) & stay true to overseeing the manifestation of that. One who will wash her in the Word of God...daily. Praying with her... Challenging her... Encouraging her to grow in Him. One who will encourage & affirm yet hold her heart of flesh accountable at the same time. One who desires to see the genuineness of her soul & is always willing to make sacrifices accordingly. One who will love her gently & passionately & intimately...with full abandon. One who will see life through God's eyes & their eyes as a union rather than just through his eyes. One who will have fun with her & embark on spontaneous adventure...creating memories & deepening their love & enjoyment of one another. One in whom we are confident we can pass the baton on to & are certain he will take hold, grasp it tightly & will run a steady, committed race until the finish line. One who will carry on where we are leaving off & letting go of...

So much to consider when preparing to release your most valuable asset into the hands of another "investor". And although some would say we are once again being overprotective or unrealistic, God's Word says that we are not to throw our pearls before swine... MaKayla & Mal are pearls of great price. ♥

So much to consider...

Analytical + Transparent = Potential Disaster

And then keeping in check that it's not just about us anymore... There are others to consider.

Putting ourselves in their shoes...
Considering their wants/desires before our own...
Weighing their feelings on the scales...
Contemplating how our actions/decisions will affect theirs...
Realizing that they have a son that will soon be choosing a life of independence as well.

It's a continual process...
And it's hard.

I'm not borrowing trouble from tomorrow, I'm preparing...

And as I seek & search & wonder & analyze & process, I don't just work those exercises of the soul for my strengthening, but for the hearts of the other three that dwell here with me. It's my role as the nurturer & keeper & spirit-setter of our home to look out for those of whom God has entrusted into my care. 

I watch... 

I listen... 

I discern... 

I recognize... 

In order to know...

In order to encourage...

In order to nurture...

In order to understand.

I ask questions...

I dig-deep...

I search...

I seek...

I pray...

I listen...

In order to learn...

In order to gain wisdom...

In order to be enlightened...

In order to understand.

It's who I am.

And I see the fruitful benefit of being proactive rather than reactive... Recognizing the sprouting of a weed before it takes root... Discerning the onslaught of potential destruction prior to it's manifestation... Preparing a field for an abundant harvest rather than turning a blind eye or a deaf ear where thorns & thistles spring up & take over.

And in recognizing & discerning & preparing, I am enlightened to things of myself...

The filth & the pollution...

The sediment & the rottenness... 

The stench & contamination...

The weeds that have taken root...

The manifestation of destruction...

The field with thorns & thistles.

And I am humbled.

The prudent see danger and take refuge,

but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

~Proverbs 27:12

(Sometimes, just for once, I wish I could be "simple"...of mind...)

Reality is...it's not who I am...

It's amazing how much perception changes when one is looking at life through the eyes of their child, rather than through the eyes of their individual, selfish self...

And as I seek & search... 

As I dig-deep & pray... 

As I listen & learn... 

As I am enlightened & gain wisdom... 

I am thankful.

For those who are patient & compassionate...

For those who listen & quietly hear my heart...

Maybe saying something, maybe not.

For those who recognize my weaknesses...

Yet they don't just acknowledge & agree...

They exhort & encourage my wanting-to-know heart.

For those who rebuke...

And then follow that rebuke with positive affirmation.
Cheering me on...
Assuring me that, with God's help, I will get there & I will be victorious.

For those who understand (even though they don't fully understand this crazy heart of mine)...

And assure me that I will get through this...

Stronger...

Wiser...

More Christ-like.

For those "safe people"...

And for as few as they are, I'm thankful for them.

I don't want to just get through this, I want to mature in the process.

And I am thankful for Christ who is ever patient & loving...
Who intercedes on my behalf as I wrestle with the one, true, Sovereign God.

I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit who guides & counsels...
Who comforts & instructs me each & every step of the way.

I'm thankful for a heavenly Father who knows each & every crevice of my heart...
And will not change His mind or bow to my will for He knows what is best & right & perfect.

My girl is in love & it is an exhilarating sight for the entirety of my being to behold. ♥

And on the "other side" of the pain & discomfort of being washed in the Fuller's Soap, the dross & the sediment & the filth & the stench will be removed & I will be a more radiant, fragrant vessel for His use... Until a new season of life begins. ♥

But who can endure the day of His coming?

Who can stand when He appears?

For He will be like a Refiner's Fire or a Launderer's soap.

He will sit as a Refiner and Purifier of silver;

He will purify...

And refine them like gold & silver.

~Malachi 3:2-3