Candidly...It's Selfish & Sinful.

It's a Monday...
A new day...
A new week...
A fresh, clean canvas.

A canvas for words to be written...

Paint to be splattered...
Ink to be embedded...
Creativity to be unfolded.

It's a canvas for lives to be impacted...
Hearts to be touched...
Love to be invested.

As a wife & a mom...
A friend & a sister-in-Christ...
This is how I discern God desiring me to look at the days ahead.

Mal & I are back in the full-swing of school mode & honestly, we are both loving it. Routine, responsibilities, challenges to be conquered & concepts to be learned. I can't even articulate how thankful I am for her diligence & determination as she purposes to be focused & resolved in mastering a new depth of instruction. This year has been much harder & has required much more time & attention than any other year thus far and at first, although it was daunting & overwhelming, she has been courageous & has risen to the tasks placed before her. ♥  I love her tenacity... ♥

And as I'm sure many of you are wondering, MaKayla is doing wonderful as well. Over the past several weeks she has fully embraced the life & role of being a farmer's wife & is finding much fulfillment & contentment therein. She's visibly happy, radiant & full of joy...such a gift to see firsthand.  As a mom, it's an inexplicable blessing seeing your children function where God has strategically placed them & I find my heart thankful. ♥

As both girls have settled well into this newness of life, I have found the freedom to settle back into typical life myself. I wish there were a way to express how thankful I am for the grace & mercy & strength & peace God has afforded us in the transition. After 21 years of doing life side-by-side, day in and day out, with very few days apart from one another, the moving from that life to this life, with the exception of a few minor instances where a short-lived meltdown has been present, it has been a natural shifting of seasons. Of course, we miss MaKayla's daily presence & invaluable contribution to our home & she misses us & our continual companionship yet when one is in their proper place, doing what God has entrusted them to do, with their eyes focused on Him, simply put, it just works. Prior to the Lord bringing a mate into MaKayla's life & in the weeks leading up to the wedding, with the help & guidance of the Holy Spirit, I did my best to prepare our family for the impending changes... I'm a hands-on wife/mom who doesn't wait for the signs of a threatening storm to be present before we take cover.

Safety...security...peace...strength...hope...anticipation...joy... These have been abundant these past several weeks & I can assure you, I don't take them for granted. ♥

I wish there were a way to express how thankful I am...

For me settling back into typical life means early-rising & immersing myself in God's Word before nature awakens. It means being nourished in spirit before the demands of the day approach me. It means giving God the opportunity to set my heart & mind at rest so that I can meet challenges with soundness & Truth. It means being quiet & listening to the Holy Spirit speak to me the words that God knows I need to hear...

Words of encouragement...

Words of correction...

Words of instruction.

These are the very things that sustain the life within me.

Morning-by-morning as I immerse myself in God's Word, He chooses to speak wisdom & truth to me. He chooses to grow me & challenge me. He chooses to change & shape & transform me. He chooses to breathe life within me. Life like I have never known... Scriptures awaken & become radiant. They meet me where I'm at & instruct me in the way I am to think & speak & act. They deepen & widen & broaden my understanding. They align my feelings & emotions with the solidity of Truth. Can I say it's always pleasant & easy to devour? Um, no. But is it always for my benefit & His glory? Most definitely. I would be lying if I didn't admit that the past several months of living have been the most stretching & taxing... And if I weren't a peacemaker at heart or I didn't give a thought more or less of what people thought... Of if I turned a blind eye or a deaf ear to anything & everyone with the exception of self... Or if I simply didn't care, than these things that have labored my heart & tested my being would have been non-existent & life would have been a breeze. But... I am a peacemaker & I do care what others think. Above all, I desire unity & harmony... And since I am not a person who very rarely thinks of self... Drowning out the desires & feelings of others simply isn't an option for me. Bottom line, I am a person who cares.

As I journey through Proverbs over & over & over again, God is specifically showing me how to approach those situations in life that are wearing & taxing & stretching. Those people who have a natural tendency to labor & test me. I am learning...

And in this learning He speaks loudly & consistently...
He guides me step-by-step...
Day-by-day...
Situation-by-situation...
In a way that no human being could guide...

For He knows my heart & He sees therein.

In the coming days & weeks I long to find time to articulate those things here...as a record & as a testimony. As a means to look back & be reminded. Not just for me, but for MaKayla & Mal.

You know, I wish I could write one of those colorful, flowery, filled-to-the-brim-with-happiness posts that people eagerly anticipate covering the details of Dillon & MaKayla's wedding that took place on September 6th but if I'm candid & real, I can't. And to be honest, that is the post I am working up the courage to compose that more than likely most will never read with the exception of that one friend who asked me to put it together as a means of therapy & healing for my aching heart. No, I'm not being dramatic or exaggerating things that weren't as if they were, because they were. They are. I'm just saying... I can't... For it wasn't. And in the weeks following that September 6th event, I have been diligently & intently searching & seeking truths to heal & wisdom to align & instruction to correct & understanding to understand. And bit-by-every-little-bit, that which I am seeking & searching to discover, I am finding.

One big thing God has helped me to clearly see is that unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition between people gains no winners...or losers.

Think about it... Competition is an avenue to deem one person or team or group of people stronger, smarter, more skilled or more successful. It's a means to prove that one is greater with the other being lesser. One being primary with the other being secondary. One classified superior while the other is categorized as inferior. One being first-class while the other is seen as second-rate. One is declared the winner... The other declared...the loser. And once the declaration is made, one feels empowered & proud while the other is left feeling defeated & shamed. This reality is present in sports, corporate-world, academics & any trade in life. Sadly, it doesn't stop there... It exists in the arenas of parenting, marriage, every possible family relation (siblings, cousins, in-laws, aunts/uncles, grandparents, ect), friends, brothers & sisters in Christ...

And whether we want to acknowledge it or not...it's damaging.

Sure, competition can compel us to learn more... It can challenge us to try harder... It can propel us to hone skill. But for the purpose of what? To come out on top? To prove to someone else that we are stronger, smarter, richer? More favored, skilled or successful?

And although some competitions are known & recognized as such...
More than are, aren't.

You see, that second group that I spoke of a few paragraphs back...parenting, marriage, family relations, friends, brothers & sisters in Christ... The competing that is present & taking place within those ties & connections are most often unspoken.

And because sports teams are just sports teams & colleagues are just colleagues & students are just students, they compete & go their separate ways in life without the depth of emotional ties that the other relationships contain. It doesn't mean that long-term insecurity isn't instilled which very much disheartens me (especially among students & colleagues) yet the long-term implications & damages are less. Those tight-knit relationships are altogether something different. And should be treated as such. Yet we divulge...or at least I do. We want to be the one who does more or gives more... We want to be the one who gains the most attention & affection... We want to be admired & esteemed to a degree higher... We want to be the better cook or the more fashionable... We want to be the coolest or funnest or the more spiritual... We want to be the more gifted or talented or discerning... We want to be the stronger or wiser or favored... And sadly, many times, more times than not, we will do just about anything to achieve the prize...the award...the honor. When in all actuality, the "doing just about anything" damages...destroys...defeats...demeans, the one with whom we are secretly competing against. As well as ourselves. Candidly, it's selfish & sinful.

So why do we do it? Why do I do it? Why do you do it?

As God spoke to me nearly two weeks ago as I was toodling through our home doing housework, "Unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition gains no winners...or losers. Both "teams" just wear themselves out from trying, attempting, working to gain "victory" over the contest. How senseless. How can one win against another when one of the parties may not even know there is a game to be won? A victory to be had? A contest to be duked out? How senseless."

And when truthfully, what is there to compete for? And is it worth what it's costing us? Me? You?

If I'm competing for love or admiration, that should come from who I am not from what I do...
If I'm competing for strength or favor...either I have it or I don't. It shouldn't have to be proven.
If I'm competing for discernment or spirituality or giftedness...that's for God to administer.
If I'm competing for attention or affection...when I give it in abundance, it will be returned the same.
And if it's not, I will have done what I know is right & integral.
If I'm competing for admiration or esteem...what difference does it really make?
If I'm competing for fashion or coolness or fun or best cook award...I'm vain.

Competition breeds pride rather than humility...

But if all I am doing is trying to compete in order to prove or achieve, I am actually losing. And if I'm competing with my opponent unaware, I am competing amiss & I will eventually wear myself out & gain me an enemy (whether real or perceived) rather than an ally.

God is grieved when we compete & work against each other fostering...
Disunity.
Discord.
Unrest.
Contention.
Strife.
Bitterness.
Resentment.
Envy.
It divides those that should be intimately connected & it weakens the witness & testimony that He desires we be.

For in order to compete to win, certain attributes that God instructs against have to be present to seal a "victory"...
Manipulation.
Deception.
Trickery.
Craftiness.
Secrecy.

And it costs us that which is most valuable...
Peace & rest (spiritual, mental, emotional).
And unwavering joy.

Competition gains enemies rather than allies...

God desires we work together...
To compliment.
To strengthen.
To sharpen.
To enrich.
To encourage.
To enlarge.
To be a living example of what His Word instructs.

Bearing my heart, I would rather pool resources & combine diversity to create a newness of beauty or strengthen what is already present than to remain on separate teams where there is division rather than unification.

Although I don't have all the answers and, this side of heaven, never will have, God is graciously extending Himself to me in order that I might see things, situations, circumstances more clearly. He's revealing areas in my life that are more destructive than constructive. Areas that are minimizing my effectiveness in loving well & administering grace. Places that I have a tendency to criticize rather than appreciate. Positions where He simply wants me to take care of myself rather than worrying about anyone else.

Do you see unspoken, unclassified, unconfirmed competition in your own life?

The same friend I spoke of in the last post shared with me sometime ago amidst a conversation we were having, "It is a time thing. It will grow. You will look back and see what is created. I know you well enough." You know, she is right. ♥

Time is allowing the wounds to get air, rest from abrasion, subside from trauma in order to promote healing. From the inside out. And through the process, I am learning.

Thankful I am. ♥

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ,

if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit,

if any tenderness & compassion, 

then make my joy complete by being like-minded,

having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,

but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Each of you should look not only to your own interests,

but also to the interests of others.

~Philippians 2:1-4

There Is Never A Reason...

So much has happened & taken place since I last blogged that I really don't know where to begin... After so much action & motion over these past ten months, I am hoping that today just might be the first day of a "back to normal" schedule/way-of-life (it wasn't). The amount of times that the desire & thought of sitting down to type my thoughts into words so that I can see them, think through them & process them has been innumerable yet while those desires & thoughts were so very real, they also came at a time when someone or something needed my attention therefore it simply hasn't happened...until today. :) Sunday as we sat on the patio I found Mal on her phone smiling yet intent so I asked, "Mal, whatcha' looking at?" Her response, "The blog..." ♥

Looking back... 

Remembering... 

Being reminded. ♥

Lessons learned... 

Situations in life... 

Moments we cherished, relished & savored. ♥

I have been asked so many times to please, please, PLEASE start blogging again yet it has been one of those things that I simply didn't deem as a priority. And as precious, dear & deeply-loved sister-friend of mine messaged me the other day, we discussed my absence of shared thoughts... I opened my heart to her of certain life situations that have been miserable, painful & suffocating... It was no surprise to her, as although she hasn't "seen" me lately, she could "see" that my joy is dimmed.

So thankful for those who know me well enough to recognize even without "seeing"...

In person...

And reach out to check in & check up.

I revealed bits & pieces of my heart & told her that I wanted to pen...to type...to share...but knew the reality of that could be damaging & detrimental. Her caring reply, "Write your blog and send it to me. We can see where it leads you. Then publish???" :) I have yet to do it but am strongly considering the possibility. :)

With life resuming normalcy, I am so thankful to have back those first early moments of morning to sit alone with the Lord studying, praying, seeking, listening. 

Just to be with Him...

At His feet... 

Being fed & taught...

It's in these moments that I grow, gain understanding & am changed from the inside out. 

Moments that are more precious to me than any other. 

Moments that I wouldn't trade for anything else.

This morning as I emerged from bed & stepped into the shower, the reality of truth made it's way into my mind. I sought the Lord & asked what I was to see or understand & bit-by-bit He began forming & building on this word that could signify & mean so many things. He brought to my remembrance instances & situations & as my mind began to race, He said, "Be still." 

He quieted my spirit...

He stilled my mind...

He opened my heart.

I am a debater at heart & I have often thought that if I had pursued a career, I would have either chosen the path of journalism or law. For something I am passionate about, I can argue a case until I am out of breath or void of thought...literally, yet God showed me something very profound this morning.

There is never a reason or a point to defend truth.

Hmmm... Interesting. As I proceeded on with my shower, I continued to think over & ponder this revelation.

There is never a reason or a point to defend truth.

Ever.

Truth speaks for itself...
Truth is unchangeable...
Just because people don't believe, doesn't negate truth for what it is...
Truth.

Refraining from children's church/segregated Sunday school...

Holiday traditions or lack thereof...

Choosing to guard my heart & still my voice...

Like everyone else on this earth, there have been so many times in life where my thoughts, my aspirations, my convictions, my passions, my choices, my decisions, my understandings, my discernment, and on and on, have been questioned. And to be honest, I could count on one hand how many times those questionings were simply left as questionings without me feeling the need to defend or the compelling desire to convince. My perception of this vastly changed as of this morning & I'm not exactly sure why I haven't learned this lesson sooner other than either I wasn't ready for it or I was too stubborn. It could be one or the other...or a bit of both.

Homeschooling...

Details of a wedding...

Declining an extended opportunity...

Or it could be that I am simply so worn out & weary that I'm at the point of not caring...

But whatever the reason, God clearly showed me this morning that defending the truth is pointless. Don't get me wrong, if someone comes to me, or to you, desiring a better understanding or genuinely desiring to hear your heart, allow the Holy Spirit to direct your words in order to convey the sentiments therein. Yet when someone is disagreeable or headstrong on how they feel or what they see & there is no sincere longing to have a better "knowing", why contend? I've been around this block so many times in my years of living & I humbly admit that 99.9% of the time I feel the need to defend what I think, how I feel or what I believe.

Sometimes it's in regard to the events of a life situation... 

Sometimes it's in regard to how God has directed me... 

Regardless of what it entails, I should walk in peace, confidence, courage & boldness with truth at the helm.
And just because I can't convince someone of something, doesn't make it untruth...
Just because someone doesn't see things the way I do, doesn't make it invalid...
Just because someone makes me feel like I am wrong in how I discern or what I have chosen or how I have decided, doesn't deem it unworthy...

Natural healing vs. medicinal healing...

Walking away from complacency...

Home church...

Unless according to God's Word, it is.

To be honest, I am weary of being questioned yet I take my share of the blame for I am the one who allows it. Why in the world do I allow others to diminish, minimize & generate insecurity within me? Why do I allow the disapproval of others to shrink me back into a shell where I second-guess? Why do I allow others to intimidate me & cause me to feel like how I am feeling or what I am seeing or the decisions I am making are wrong?

Stay-at-home wife/mom...

Relocating home-wise/church-wise...

The intimacy in how our family functions...

It's suffocating.

I've faced this innumerable times & although I maybe thought I was facing it & dealing with it, I wasn't. I was suppressing. Muddling. Coping. Silencing. Surviving. Until the "event" passed & the pain diminished. Until another instance surfaced.

Stepping away from a relationship that requires more than I can give...

Ridicules more than it empowers...

Defeats more than it encourages...

Hurts more than it heals...

Refuses to respect...

The reality of it is...
God sees...
God understands...
God knows.

And to be perfectly honest, we owe no one an explanation but Him.

As I pondered this I was reminded of how Jesus responded when He was questioned in regard to what He spoke, how He lived, decisions He made, who He was. He didn't retaliate. He didn't elaborate. He didn't defend or convince or plead His case. He knew the Truth & He didn't apologize for it. He walked in it. Isn't that what he desires me to do as well? If He is my foundation & I am to model my life after Him, isn't that who He longs for me to be, too? Instead, I allow people to trump His authoritative position in my life...until now.

Moral boundaries...

Courtship vs. dating...

Following the Holy Spirit rather than the direction of man...

And to answer those questions that arrive me at the destination of suffocation...
Like many other people in this world, I long for approval & affirmation. I desire for people to like me, love me & support me where I'm at. I hunger for people I cherish to walk alongside of me even when they don't understand. Simply, I just want to be understood...even if you don't agree. Even if you don't agree, just try to understand & respect. Sadly a high percentage of the time when someone doesn't agree or understand, they pull away, refuse to respect, cease to respond, raise a cold shoulder, turn a deaf ear & their love, unfortunately, becomes conditional...simply because someone didn't do what they thought should have been done even when it really has nothing to do with them. Instead of others allowing us to own what is ours, they feel the entitlement to an explanation & we feel the pressure to give one. And the cycle begins again...until now.

When we do something out of a sense of duty, it is easy to explain the reasons for our actions to others. 

But when we do something out of obedience to the Lord, there can be no other explanation-just obedience. 

That is why a saint can be so easily ridiculed and misunderstood.

~Oswald Chambers

So in the current life situations I find myself looking square in the eyes at, I'm choosing peace to reign over my heart/mind/soul in what I know, with the assurance that God sees & knows even better than I.

He is my defender...
My strong tower...
My judge.

We make a mistake in trying always to clear ourselves. We should be wiser to go straight on, humbly doing the next thing, and leaving God to vindicate us. "He shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noon day." There may come hours when we shall be misunderstood, slandered, falsely accused. At such times it is very difficult not to act on the policy of the men around us in the world. They at once appeal to law and force and public opinion. But the believer takes his case into a higher court and lays it before his God. 

~F.B. Meyer

He Desires That We Do...

To say that life has been utterly, nonsensical, crazy around here would be an understatement. Ever since the beautiful events of June 20th unfolded we have been in a constant state of going, doing, creating, planning & deciding. On June 20th, Dillon asked MaKayla if she would be his forever...

And without hesitation she said, "Yes!"

Many dates were tossed around & considered & after trying to work around various schedules & conflicts it was deemed that a date simply had to be set with the hope & prayer that those closest to both Dillon & MaKayla would be able to be present. Of course the reality of harvest was one of the make-it or break-it considerations... ;) September 6th was Sharpied on the calendar & morning-by-morning, day-by-day & night-by-night, we have been in a continual mode of preparing. We're getting there but still have a ways to go. (A post more specific will come later...when time allows.)

Marci & I are hostessing a shower for MaKayla (and Dillon) on Saturday here in our home & my "things that need done" list are long & wide & deep. Yesterday I began the task of cleaning & preparing... This morning as I began thinking about the things I would like to get accomplished in my day ahead, my thoughts turned to the living room/dining room windows that are adorned with dusty curtains & speckled glass. And as I thought of the window coverings that have been present since we moved here ten years ago this summer, I realized that they really no longer "match"... And then I remembered a conversation with MaKayla & Mal the other day  which confirmed that the furniture lacks in the "matching area" as well. Immediately the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart...

"Mendi, how often do you get so comfortable & familiar with something that you fail to see the need for change?

The reality of "unmatching" curtains & furniture...
The reality that they match each other yet they don't match the paint color or decor...
The reality that, though time moves on, things remain unchanged.

Life has been full of transitions & we haven't even touched the surface of the ones about to take shape yet our flesh is tempted to dig our toes in the soil & refuse to move with the transitions. Our hearts see things nearing & we are compelled to hold on a little tighter...a little longer. Our minds recognize the upcoming changes however we choose to not acknowledge them for what they are.

It's easier to not go there...

As I process the physical implication as well as the spiritual application in regard to this moment of instruction from the One who feeds & cleanses my soul, I am challenged & it compels me to examine other areas of my life that need "switched up" & "spruced up". It urges me to evaluate places in my heart that have become stagnant, faded & adorned with cobwebs. It drives me to look around & recognize clutter that needs removed & refreshment that needs to be executed.

Remaining the same...
Resisting change...
Refusing to glide with the ebb & flow of life...

Creates a hardness...
Feeds control...
Inhibits God from providing color to our beings...

Boring.
Lonely.
Isolated.
Dull.
Suffocating.

Although God never changes, He desires that we do...

In conformity to His plan.

No, I'm not changing furniture or window coverings...yet.
We have a shower to prepare for & a wedding to plan! ♥

Does The Latter Diminish The Former...

It's a Thursday...
Another day where the weather can't seem to make up it's mind what it wants to do.
Cloudy one minute...
A peek of the sun the next.
It's NOT raining...so I will take the cloudy, warm, small-peeks-of-the-sun-kind-of-day. :)

Life continues to tick on here in our corner of the country, and I'm learning that every day has something new to offer. Every day contains something that God wants me to learn. :) I love, love, love to learn & to grow & to be stretched but sometimes I wonder if I will ever just have one day that I get it right... That I don't feel/see the need to change... Or a day that I feel I attained that which Christ has asked of me... I wonder.

As I have thought & pondered a vast array of things the past several days, it amazes me how new seasons of life inhibit conception of "new life" from a spiritual/emotional sense. Yes, new seasons breed change, adjustment & transition of the physical sense yet can one make those physical changes without spiritual, mental, & emotional change at the helm? I wonder if some people can & some people can't... I wonder.

I'm an analyzer at heart... I think & I think deep. Therefore, when seasons in my life change, my heart, mind, soul, being, must stretch, grow, adjust & transition as well. And due to how I am wired, that stretching, growing, adjusting & transitioning kicks my analytical mind into overdrive... I need to process & resolve. I desire to grasp & to receive. I hunger for knowing & understanding. I want those changes & transitions to be fruitful & life-giving... Not just for me, but for those that are walking that road with me.

And because of that...I am constantly considering...

Their thoughts...

Their feelings...

Their struggles...

Their victories...

Their well-being...

I want them to thrive.

MaKayla has now been in a courtship with Dillon for three-plus months. I can't even begin to articulate what a beautiful example, straight from God's hand, this reality of provision has been. I fail to be able to put into words what a blessing the process & the progression of their relationship has afforded. Richness. Yet amidst the beauty & the blessing their have been struggles & pain... Effort & difficulty.

Does the latter diminish the former?
Absolutely not.

It's a changing of gears & my gears are currently g-r-i-n-d-i-n-g...

What I can say is that it has generated a deep & wide expanse of refining & purifying for me. A straining of the soul, per se. I feel like my heart & my mind & my soul are being ran through a sieve every.single.day. A skimming of the dross. And what does refining & purifying & straining & sieving & skimming have in common?

What are their purpose? 

They remove the filth & the pollution...
They detect the sediment & the rottenness...
They reveal stench & contamination...

And I can honestly say that the process is inexplicably uncomfortable.

Not because I don't want the grossness gone, but because I don't just want those things instantly removed, I want to learn & grow & change in the process so that I step away unblemished in those areas that were once corrupt. I want to glean so that I can replant those organic seeds that I harvest in the heart of another "field". If I am simply instantly changed, what do I take away that can be reinvested in the seeking life that is walking behind? If I emerge with a miracle, yes, I have a testimony, but do I have wisdom & understanding & encouragement to pass on to another soul that is searching?

I know most reading this aren't surprised by the struggle I find myself in, for the vast majority have been waiting for the fall & the fail... The awakening... The jolt to reality... The inoculation of "the real world"...

For the duration of our child-rearing years others have seen us a overtly protective & sheltering to the point of hindering. They've seen us as having full-control & neglecting the allowance of MaKayla & Mal to have a voice. They've been waiting for the day... The day that one of them would either rebel or take a step of independence... The day that our perfect little kingdom would crumble. 

Our kingdom isn't crumbling... 

It is growing & expanding & changing colors... 

It is being enlarged...

It is birthing new life...

And we are excited.

Yes, most parents/children experience these steps... Independence takes shape... Separation is a reality... Compromise is learned... Much sooner & earlier in life. But for us, this life that God has chosen for us & called us to walk, is diverse. Our continual togetherness... Our team of four... Our consistent schedule... Our default coping mechanisms... Our customary way of looking at things... Is transforming. And with that transformation comes a remolding & remaking... A stripping away of the old, familiar; a regrafting of the healthy & new & then the process of healing. A ridding of generational curses that, over the years, have become comfortable yet in this new season, are apparent need to go.

Isn't that the way it is in any transition in life?

And for me, it's not so much of the physical but of the mental/emotional... It's where my analytical, seeking, wondering, processing, searching soul kicks into overdrive. A desiring to know & understand... In regard to the here & now... And in regard to the days ahead. God has always encouraged me as a mom to see that MaKayla & Mal are ours to lead & guide & protect, until... They are ours to look out after until the day arrives that He provides a young man to take over that role... That role of priest & prophet & protector & provider... That role of making sure her needs are met... Needs of the physical kind yet most especially, needs of the mental, spiritual & emotional sort... And being willing to put her needs before his. One who will cradle her heart & embrace her body... One who will discern her best interest (even if she may not see it as such) & stay true to overseeing the manifestation of that. One who will wash her in the Word of God...daily. Praying with her... Challenging her... Encouraging her to grow in Him. One who will encourage & affirm yet hold her heart of flesh accountable at the same time. One who desires to see the genuineness of her soul & is always willing to make sacrifices accordingly. One who will love her gently & passionately & intimately...with full abandon. One who will see life through God's eyes & their eyes as a union rather than just through his eyes. One who will have fun with her & embark on spontaneous adventure...creating memories & deepening their love & enjoyment of one another. One in whom we are confident we can pass the baton on to & are certain he will take hold, grasp it tightly & will run a steady, committed race until the finish line. One who will carry on where we are leaving off & letting go of...

So much to consider when preparing to release your most valuable asset into the hands of another "investor". And although some would say we are once again being overprotective or unrealistic, God's Word says that we are not to throw our pearls before swine... MaKayla & Mal are pearls of great price. ♥

So much to consider...

Analytical + Transparent = Potential Disaster

And then keeping in check that it's not just about us anymore... There are others to consider.

Putting ourselves in their shoes...
Considering their wants/desires before our own...
Weighing their feelings on the scales...
Contemplating how our actions/decisions will affect theirs...
Realizing that they have a son that will soon be choosing a life of independence as well.

It's a continual process...
And it's hard.

I'm not borrowing trouble from tomorrow, I'm preparing...

And as I seek & search & wonder & analyze & process, I don't just work those exercises of the soul for my strengthening, but for the hearts of the other three that dwell here with me. It's my role as the nurturer & keeper & spirit-setter of our home to look out for those of whom God has entrusted into my care. 

I watch... 

I listen... 

I discern... 

I recognize... 

In order to know...

In order to encourage...

In order to nurture...

In order to understand.

I ask questions...

I dig-deep...

I search...

I seek...

I pray...

I listen...

In order to learn...

In order to gain wisdom...

In order to be enlightened...

In order to understand.

It's who I am.

And I see the fruitful benefit of being proactive rather than reactive... Recognizing the sprouting of a weed before it takes root... Discerning the onslaught of potential destruction prior to it's manifestation... Preparing a field for an abundant harvest rather than turning a blind eye or a deaf ear where thorns & thistles spring up & take over.

And in recognizing & discerning & preparing, I am enlightened to things of myself...

The filth & the pollution...

The sediment & the rottenness... 

The stench & contamination...

The weeds that have taken root...

The manifestation of destruction...

The field with thorns & thistles.

And I am humbled.

The prudent see danger and take refuge,

but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

~Proverbs 27:12

(Sometimes, just for once, I wish I could be "simple"...of mind...)

Reality is...it's not who I am...

It's amazing how much perception changes when one is looking at life through the eyes of their child, rather than through the eyes of their individual, selfish self...

And as I seek & search... 

As I dig-deep & pray... 

As I listen & learn... 

As I am enlightened & gain wisdom... 

I am thankful.

For those who are patient & compassionate...

For those who listen & quietly hear my heart...

Maybe saying something, maybe not.

For those who recognize my weaknesses...

Yet they don't just acknowledge & agree...

They exhort & encourage my wanting-to-know heart.

For those who rebuke...

And then follow that rebuke with positive affirmation.
Cheering me on...
Assuring me that, with God's help, I will get there & I will be victorious.

For those who understand (even though they don't fully understand this crazy heart of mine)...

And assure me that I will get through this...

Stronger...

Wiser...

More Christ-like.

For those "safe people"...

And for as few as they are, I'm thankful for them.

I don't want to just get through this, I want to mature in the process.

And I am thankful for Christ who is ever patient & loving...
Who intercedes on my behalf as I wrestle with the one, true, Sovereign God.

I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit who guides & counsels...
Who comforts & instructs me each & every step of the way.

I'm thankful for a heavenly Father who knows each & every crevice of my heart...
And will not change His mind or bow to my will for He knows what is best & right & perfect.

My girl is in love & it is an exhilarating sight for the entirety of my being to behold. ♥

And on the "other side" of the pain & discomfort of being washed in the Fuller's Soap, the dross & the sediment & the filth & the stench will be removed & I will be a more radiant, fragrant vessel for His use... Until a new season of life begins. ♥

But who can endure the day of His coming?

Who can stand when He appears?

For He will be like a Refiner's Fire or a Launderer's soap.

He will sit as a Refiner and Purifier of silver;

He will purify...

And refine them like gold & silver.

~Malachi 3:2-3

Yesterday Was One Of Those Days...

It's a Monday...
The day following Mother's Day...
And I'm glad it's behind me.

For the past three weeks I have had my Bible open to the same spot & my ginormous Matthew Henry Commentary flopped in front of me to an unchanged page. Lots of black underlining, scribbled notes & colorful highlighting... After my last candid post I have been seeking & searching...digging & studying in a quest to find the missing pieces that my heart lacks in order to make it function at full capacity. I am full aware that it is out of rhythm... And when it is out of rhythm & not functioning properly, every area of my life is affected...most especially in the area of relationships. It's a stronghold... And a lot of battling with familiar spirits. I'm learning a lot & being enlightened to things I have been oblivious to for the full part of my forty-two-plus years yet like most things, relearning & retraining the brain/mind/soul takes intentional work. Much like "fixing" damaged areas of the heart...they're not necessarily fixable, rather repairable. And just about the time I think I "get it", I lose hold of that which I thought I had a grasp on.

Yesterday was one of those days...

Next to being a Christ-follower & a wife, my greatest passion in life is being a mom... Simply put, it's my career & I take it very seriously. I find great satisfaction & fulfillment in training, teaching, mentoring & nurturing MaKayla & Mal & with the exception of two things, I LOVE being a mom. Those two things would be puking kids & Mother's Day... I detest them both & avoid them like the plague...no lie. The puking kids aspect would seem obvious to most but the reality of vehemently disliking Mother's Day would likely be a mystery to a vast majority.

While Kyle was tilling the garden/weed eating the yard & Mal was mowing, MaKayla & I made a quick trip to our local (twenty-five minutes away) greenhouse Saturday morning (our second trip so far this season). As we drove along she asked me if I knew when & why I began struggling with a day that is set aside to honor me as a mom.

I thought... 

We talked... 

Things came out... 

Some of it I understand...
Some of it I don't.

Bottom line, it's just grossness to me.

She & I ran a few errands, picked up our greenhouse goods & headed for home.

It's not that I'm not grateful for the kind gestures...
Or my mom who has been a solid mainstay of love, friendship, training, caring & nurturing in my life...
Or the other "older" women who have come alongside me in raising MaKayla & Mal.

It's not that I'm not thankful for MaKayla & Mal...
Or that I don't have compassion for the women whose arms are empty...
I just don't like it.

We tossed around our plans for Mother's Day Sunday, I was unsettled & I knew the unsettling was burdensome to MaKayla. The subject was tabled. We arrived home & MaKayla started in on the garden knowing Dillon wanted to come get her mid-afternoon for the remainder of the day/evening. As usual, it took much longer than anticipated yet she was insistent that it get done due to the impending rain followed by sunshine this week that the forecast predicted. She missed out on visiting his grandparents & a local community supper that they had in their plans... :( Kyle & I tried to urge her to go on ahead & we would finish up but she was hearing none of it... She wants full responsibility of the garden & having someone else do "her work" was not an option...period. After the seeds were buried under fresh soil & the plants were securely in place... After she showered & was freshly clothed, her man came in his "chariot" to retrieve her for the evening. It had been a long day of not seeing one another...and a Saturday none-the-less.

My mind was a scattered...
My heart was heavy...
My attitude was less than desirable.

Kyle & Mal silently joined me at the dining room table for a good-long while as I sat with my head buried in my hands; watching as tears streamed endlessly down my cheeks creating a nice little pond in front of me... :) Snot running from my nose & I didn't care. Mal quietly gathered me some Kleenexes while Kyle graciously wiped my nose & cleared the debris. ♥

The possibility likelihood that this could be MaKayla's last Mother's Day at home...
The reality of a best friend being less a child this Mother's Day...
The yuck that this "holiday" predisposes for me already.

The unknowing of plans...
The difficulty in learning to share...
(I know...it's an elementary principal that a forty-something woman shouldn't battle...I typically don't...& honestly, I can't think of anyone else but Dillon's mom that I would prefer to share it with...it's just something new...foreign...uncharted territory.)
The sobering acknowledgement of being a disappointment...
And failing to meet expectations.

Have I mentioned that I don't have a fond attraction to Mother's Day...

The three of us decided at 10:30 to make a quick run to the store for a few necessities & as we traveled, I prayed... And as I prayed a word fell off of my heart that the Lord said, "Mendi, you said it yourself. Recognize what you inwardly spoke & remember from the abundance of the heart doeth the mouth speak..." Ouch. Although my mouth had not spoken it, my heart had & that was all the evidence that was needed.

Stubborn...

I could choose to be stubborn, or I could choose to foster a heart of peace & unity. I genuinely wanted to choose the latter rather than the former yet wanting to do it & choosing to do it are two vastly different things. I wanted to be intentional & I was determined to do as such. I would do the typical Sunday routine...that was final.

MaKayla arrived home... We chatted. I still discerned her heaviness.
Good-nights were spoken... We went our separate ways. Our hearts were torn.
Tears fell on her pillow. Tears fell on mine.

Mother's Day Sunday dawned & I emerged from bed earlier than everyone else. I knew I needed to do some journaling & have some moments of solitude with the Lord in order to prepare myself for the day ahead so I retreated to the basement. I wanted it to be a good day. A fruitful day. MaKayla was up shortly thereafter with Kyle following closely behind. We talked & I shared my intentions for the day yet I could tell that her heart was still heavy & hurting.

The possibility likelihood that this would be her last Mother's Day at home...with me...
The reality of a best friend/second mom being less a brother/son this Mother's Day...
The yuck that this "holiday" predisposes for her mom already.

The unknowing of plans (she's a girl that needs a plan)...
The difficulty in learning to share... 
(I know...it's an elementary principal that a twenty-something woman shouldn't battle...but this is all new territory for her...a major learning curve.)
The sobering acknowledgement that this might be the first of a last.

The fact that she had missed Miss Oakley's first birthday party...
Chris & Bri's impending announcement...
And being so far away from one she loves so much.

My girl was hurting. ♥

I gathered my belongings with coffee cup in tow & headed upstairs to begin the "make yourself presentable" portion of the day. :) All was well in our tiny little bathroom as both she & I worked at our "process", in our own speed, while Kyle made biscuits & Mal continued to snag a few more moments of sleep. Comment was made here. A drip of a tear. Response was made there. A drop of a tear. The drips became more frequent & the drops became more steady.

Make-up applicated...
Hair dried...
Lotion on.

Clothes chosen...
Hair straightened...
Perfume applied.

What started as brokenness...
And sadness...
Turned to something else.

A torrential flood came pouring down...

Dillon pulled in to get MaKayla for Sunday School/Church & she wisely met him on the front deck. Instantly he could tell... She tried pulling it together as I watched from a distance & responded to a text from my Bethy... I advised that I wasn't sure she was in any shape to frequent a Sunday school class however she gathered her biscuit & Bible & away she & her love went. ♥ It wasn't long & she text saying Dillon was bringing her back... She had regained her composure along the fifteen minute journey & then her phone signaled a text from her second momma...the one less a son this Mother's Day. ♥ She couldn't do it.

It was a text she so desperately needed yet it solidified her fragile state... ♥
Because that is what she was.

I felt terrible subjecting Dillon to such emotional trauma...

Yet in this family, we're real...and transparent...seen.

For where we are...

Church clothes were removed & while I retreated to the basement, she retreated to her & Mal's bedroom. Kyle retrieved us both where he sat us down & said, "We're going to talk this through & figure this out... We can't keep doing this."

We talked...
We shared...
We discussed.

It's a season...
It's all a season.

And like all other seasons, this one, too shall pass.

It's about staying hydrated in the drought...
And weathering the storms.

It's about growing...
Even when the conditions seem less than desirable.

It's about realizing that this isn't it...
And that it isn't always going to be this way.

It's about understanding that "next steps" in life require stretching muscles of the heart/emotions...
And in the stretching...
There is a degree of discomfort & pain.

It's about resting in peace knowing that all transitions in life are hard...
And that true resolve comes in processing the difficult of those transitions.

It's about reaching for hope despite the struggle...
And that it's the struggles in life that God uses to shape us, refine us & prepare us...
For what's ahead.

She came around the table, sat down on my lap, nestled into my neck & cried...
As did I. ♥

Relocating to her seat across the table from me, I reassured her...
"Babe...it's a Sunday... Just like any other Sunday. There was one a week before & there will be another a week after. I don't see it as you see it... Mother's Day is simply another day... Another Sunday. It's gonna be okay... It's all gonna be okay & we're going to get through this... Together."

I won't lie. I succeeded in winning the "Epic-Fail-As-A-Parent Award" for the day. I wanted to turn in my badge... Renounce my position... Resign from all manner of momhood. Unworthy... Undeserving... Unqualified. MaKayla & Mal are so valuable & deserve so much more...than me. No lie.

Sometimes you just need someone to reassure you that it's gonna be okay...

Kyle was in the process of doing a project for Mal while she & MaKayla cuddled into bed drifting off to sleep when Tom text saying they were coming for a visit. "We can't do it. We just can't do it. Look at us... We're a hot mess & inviting someone else, even someone who knows us inside & out into the pit simply isn't fair..." Those were the sentiments of my heart. Kyle knew it would be a good thing for them to come... Me, not so much.

My attitude was less than desirable...

I reclothed myself & took a roadtrip to the store for fruit & veggies for snacking & as I pulled peeled out of the driveway in an attempt to release a degree of the frustration I had toward myself, I cried out to God. "What in the world am I doing? And how did I arrive here again so quickly? I am confused... I am so very confused. Please, God. Please help me."

In His very still, gentle, small voice He said, "Mendi, do you remember what I taught you last week about disturbances? The creating of them and the responding to them..." Dagger to my heart.

Yep, I did it again.
Epic fail.
Why did I not remember...

I processed the reality of the words spoken to my heart & I was deeply convicted. "Why can't I get this? What is my issue?" I liken it to the Parable of the Sower & the seed that falls among the thorns... I hear it & understand it & receive it but then I lose sight of it...and forget. Especially in situations that test & try me... Situations where I need to remember it most.

I arrived home, unloaded groceries, located the Bible study book that MaKayla, Mal & I are working through together (on gentleness & quietness of spirit none-the-less...epic fail...) & found the page on disturbances in order to "jog my memory" & refresh my heart. And then I started cutting veggies. Kyle said he had text Tom warning him that it hadn't been a good day for us & it may be safest & in their best interest to wait for a get together. And before I knew it, I caught a glimpse of these... ♥

It was what I needed... ♥
It was what we needed. ♥

The hurting restoring the broken...

The broken nurturing the hurting...

Genuine friendship.

We cried...
And laughed.

We talked...
And remembered.

We shared...
And embraced.

We did real life.

Looking past the struggle of their own...
To meet the needs of us. ♥

And despite the winning of the non-prestigious parenting award for the day...
I'm thankful for grace.

The Bible is re-opened to specific portions in Ephesians...
And Philippians.
The commentary is laying marked up, bare-faced before the windows of my heart.

With the help of a Saviour, I will get there & I will not quit until I do.

The seed that fell among the thorns stands for those who hear,

but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches, pleasures

and they do not mature.

But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart,

who hear the word, retain it, 

and by persevering produce a crop.

~Luke 8:14-15

*Disclaimer: No, I am not dragging my feet in regard to MaKayla's love & devotion to Dillon. I love that kid like I love my own & never would I do such a thing. ♥ Yes, I love Dillon's mom & dad...they are wonderful people & some of our closest friends. ♥ And no, MaKayla has not an ounce of hesitation/reservation in moving forward in the relationship with the one her heart loves more than anything/anyone & the one she longs to do life & grow old with. ♥ It's simply a season in this journey of courtship...♥ and we will get to the other side stronger, wiser & thankful for having walked the extra mile.