In My Weakness...

It's been a few weeks. Two & plus one day to be exact.
I glanced back on my last post...
Broken.
And although I'm making some sense of progress,
I'm still there.

#1442 ~ repeated opportunities to return

(to the foundational love of God...)

I know that my troubles, achings, difficulties & trials are minimal to most.
I clearly recognize that.
Yet in God's eyes, He sees my hurt...
And He cares.

#1429 ~ being in Kyle's bare arms

Three weeks ago yesterday Kyle stepped down from his position on the worship team at the church where we have been attending/serving for the past several years. It was a painful decision yet something that God had been stirring in our hearts for quite some time. An outcome that drastically affected MaKayla & Mal as well. The days following that decision have been laden with struggle, heartache, body-wrenching pangs that won't cease.
Tears, sadness, hurt, loneliness, confusion.
Regret, despair, lack of understanding.
A real sense of displacement.

#1431 ~ a heart that desires & longs for belonging

In the midst of that, MaKayla loosened her grasp on the job that seemed perfect.
She loved the work.
The atmosphere.
The people she served.
Yet in the midst of all the perfect things was a component that destroyed her spirit.
Shattered her countenance.
Robbed her joy.
Again, displacement.

#1437 ~ hope in seeing God's unfinished work come to pass

Intermingled was a death of someone we cared deeply for.

Not a blood-relative but a grandpa of the heart.
The loss of a man who was passionately loved by people we love.
Displacement.

#1383 ~ tear stained cheeks...

Loss.
Loss.
Loss.

Trying to make sense of it all & see God's plan in the midst of chaotic emotions I'm finding, is a spiritual battle of the intensest kind.

#1392 ~ a dad that reminds me to draw from Kyle's strength in my weakness

One day we're up.
The next down.
A yo-yo of sorts.

Today, I am up. Kyle is down.
Tomorrow, Kyle is up and I am down.
Why is joy so hard to come by & hang tightly to?

Is it determinate of where our focus is?
Is it effected by those we are in contact with?
Is it altered by nutrition, exercise & sleep quality/quantity?

Can it be controlled by how much we are in the Word?
Can it be solidified through our time of intimate communion with God?
Can it be increased as we fellowship with other believers?

How do we hang on to joy when life is hard?
Confusing.
Sorrowful.
Lonely.

As I sat on the living room floor yesterday afternoon with Kyle & the girls recounting each of our days, God clearly revealed to me that no matter how long, how arduous, how intense & how stress-laden we work things over in our mind, there are some things in life we simply can't change...

I can't change how others see me.
I can't change someone else's heart.
I can't change the weather today or the forecast for tomorrow.

I can't remove pride from someone's life.
I can't make another individual love God more.
I can't breathe life into laboring lungs or delay the dying process.

#1414 ~ the freedom of humility

                                                 ~being teachable

                                                 ~acknowledging mistakes

                                                 ~getting back on track

                                                 ~loving others

I can't make someone see that their choices are destructive.
I can't convince another that Jesus is the answer.
I can't control the direction of the wind or the impact of national disasters.

#1416 ~ strong, warm fall breezes that rattle pans hanging from the pan rack

I can't save a soul from Hell or promote a life to Heaven.
I can't fill a heart with joy or make someone see the beauty in life.
I can't fertilize an egg or transform a cocoon into a butterfly.

#1419 ~ confirming words from priceless friends

I can't...
But God can.

#1411 ~ the richness of redemption

Hanging on to joy, means hanging on to God.
Hanging on to joy, means letting go & letting Him.
Hanging on to joy, means praying He will & believing He can.

Believe me, I'm not there, but with each step that I take, I'm a little bit closer.

*Journal entry 9-26-2013:
"... I can change nothing. He can change everything. Lord, change me."

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord,

I wait for God my Savior;

my God will hear me.

Micah 7:7

Raw.

Now that the security settings are in place, I feel a sense of freedom. Freedom to share my heart without rebuke. Freedom to share my heart without it being thrown back at me. Freedom to be real. Thank you for taking this journey with us. It's nice to be amongst friends we can trust. ♥

Raw.
That's my heart right now.
And my emotions.
The tears appear out of nowhere & fall freely where they wish.
Painful.

I'm trying to hold it all together to prevent the heartache from permeating...
To Kyle.
To MaKayla.
To Mal.
Yet at times, it's more than what I am capable of.
So I cry.

MaKayla described it best the other day...
"I feel like God has taken my world, turned it upside down & given it a good shaking."
My heart, mind & spirit reverberates in synch with hers. ♥

No, Kyle & I aren't having marital trouble.
No, we're not losing our home, our car or any other material thing we possess.
(Who cares? In the end, those things don't matter any way.)
No, MaKayla isn't pregnant.
No, we don't have a child who is choosing a wayward path of life.
No, we haven't been diagnosed with a terminal illness.
Aren't you glad about all of those things? I am.

Sometimes life is just hard & for most, they just deal with the difficulty of the situation & move on.
Some move on in bitterness.
Some in anger.
Some in depression.
Some in anxiety.
Some cling to fear.
Some to destructive habits.
Some bury it deep & every time it resurfaces, they push it deeper still.

Sometimes, I'm the same way.
Other times, I'm simply not.
This would be one of those times.

Most of you who know me well, know that I am not a person who settles.
I'm a digger.
A question asker.
A longing soul.
A being who wants to know.

So as I process these things currently in our midst...
I wonder many things...
(Some of these may totally shock you, please don't judge me...) ♥

How do I know I am hearing God?
How does God speak?
Is what I've always believed about God & the Bible truth?

Are things I see as God, really Him?
Signs?
Wonders?
Indicators?

If this was/is God, then why?

Why would He call someone to something & then seem to redirect that call?
Why would He redirect the call when the path ahead appears obsolete?

I know... Some of you are saying,

Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on your own understanding,

in all your ways acknowledge Him,

and He will make your paths straight.

~ Proverbs 3:5-6 ~

But when what you believe is being shaken, how can you believe something you are questioning as truth?
I told you I would shock you with the sentiments of my heart.
I told you I was raw.
I don't lie.
Please don't judge me. ♥

Kyle tells me to keep my focus...
To pray...
To hang on...
My response...
"I'm trying."

I have so many questions.
I have so much uncertainty.
My being is in shards.

Anxiety is my ally. (I know, that is not of God.)
Confusion is my companion. (I know, that is not of God, either.)
Sadness is my sidekick. (I know, I should have joy...)
Remember? I told you not to judge me. ♥

I'm not being dramatic.
I'm not looking for attention.
I'm seeking answers.
Solid answers.

What does God want His church to look like?
How does God want His church to operate?
What is acceptable?
What is not?

Accountability?
No accountability?
Boundaries?
No boundaries?

God standards?
Standards of men?

How passionate does He want us to be for Him?
Does He want to be very first place in our lives?
Is it possible to be overzealous?
Never being willing to settle for less than what He desires?

Does He give us tangible signs that point the way?
Or as Christians are we seeing/discerning things as "signs" the same way non-believers see horoscopes or karma or fate or superstition, when it really isn't God at all?
Does He really speak to our hearts in a way we can understand?

And when these questions stick deep within the heart of yourself, it's one thing.
When they stick deep in the heart of your children, it's a different thing completely. ♥

I refuse to settle.
I will dig.
I will cry.
I will search, seek, pursue.
I will not give up.

There's too much at stake here to just accept situations/circumstances of life as they are.
Not only for myself but for our children.
I will press on.

"Awake, O sword, against my shepherd,

against the man who is close to me!"

declares the LORD Almighty.

"Strike the shepherd,

and the sheep will be scattered,

and I will turn my hand against the little ones.

In the whole land," declares the LORD,

"two-thirds will be struck down and perish;

yet one-third will be left in it.

This third I will bring into the fire;

I will refine them like silver 

and test them as gold.

They will call on my name

and I will answer them;

I will say, 'They are my people,'

and they will say, 'The LORD is our God.'"

~Zechariah 13:7-9~

*An exerpt from an A. W. Tozer book I am currently reading:
Among things he said in that sermon was that the way of the cross was hard. This was an important consideration on his part, because he felt that many people were trying to make the Christian life out to be an easy thing when the Scriptures showed how difficult it was to follow Jesus Christ. A Christian without the cross was unthinkable in his mind, and he believed that too many leaders were offering a brand of Christianity that was cheap and easy and did not lay the heavy burden of the cross bearing on the people. This certainly was not the Christianity of the Church fathers, the reformers or the revivalists that had come before.

(I challenge you to ponder those words... I am open to thoughts.)

Sight Healing...

I just closed out of a facebook message conversation that truly pulled at my heartstrings.

It took me back...
♥ to days gone by

Compelled me to remember...
♥ who I once was

Resurfaced regret...
♥ of lost opportunities

Fueled a passion...
♥ to encourage others

Made me thankful...
♥ for grace extended

As Kyle & I lay in bed a few weeks back gazing at a few wedding photos that adorn our bedroom walls, I told him that I wish I had known how to love him better in those early years of marriage. That if only I could go back & have the fun, adventuresome, care-free spirit that I had in my late teens & early twenties yet at the same time have the knowledge, wisdom & maturity that I have now to accompany that spirit. Sadly, it typically doesn't work that way... You know the old adage, "Live and learn..."

So as this sweet friend & I conversed, one thing became apparently clear...

Life. Is. Precious.

And the people that God places in that life He so graciously gives us, are the ones who make it precious.

Why then do we take life for granted?
Those ones He has given us for granted?

I know some will think that this post is idealistic yet during the course of our conversation, the Lord truly started stirring within my spirit & pulling at those strings He has attached to my heart. We hear songs about "living like you're dying" or "if this were my last day" or "if tomorrow never comes"... We listen to them & they cause emotions & thoughts & feelings & good intentions to rise up within us but then...the song is over, we forget & life goes on...

Life:
*it's busy...
*things to do...
*people to see...
*appointments to keep...
*events to attend...
*commitments to fulfill...
*activities to be at...

And what happens to those people that make life precious?

Somewhere along the way, the Christian community has gained & given this attitude that we are to be the hands & feet of Jesus (which is so very true) however being the hands & feet to our family just isn't enough. We need to be winning the lost & saving the lost & serving the lost (all true as well) yet when the ones that God has personally & intimately entrusted to us to be the hands & feet of Jesus to (spouse/children) are getting lost in the shuffle, we've missed our first & foremost responsibility.

I once was heavily involved in ministry & the majority of those days/years that I was so engulfed in the preparing & presenting & teaching are the days that I was the crankiest with my kids & failed to be a help meet to my husband. Those are the moments that are merely a blur in my mind... Hoping that MaKayla & Mal would find something, anything to do... I simply didn't have time for puzzles & games & dress up & tea parties. I had more important, pressing things to attend to. Praying that Kyle wouldn't want/need me tonight. I was tired. I needed sleep ASAP. (So. Many. Regrets.)

Little did I know...
I was blindsided...
Deceived...
Ignorant...

At one point the Lord allowed me to see that my three loves were my most precious possessions, my richest assets, my first & foremost priority. Yes, I still needed to encourage the hurting & teach the hungry, but often, the hurting & the hungry were the ones within arms reach.

My own.

When I made the choice to marry & when Kyle & I made the choice to begin a family, priorities should have been readjusted. They somewhat were but not completely. It's much easier to encourage & teach those who appreciate you... Who "need" you... Who thrive on you... Who you really feel like you are getting an adequate return for your investment from...

But I don't think that's how God sees it. 

When I made the choice to marry the man I so longed for & God so faithfully provided & when we chose to bring babies into this world that we had talked & dreamed of from the time we started discussing marriage, they instantly moved to first place in the line of my time, attention, affection, devotion...my first fruits. (Or at least they should have...)

Sadly, they didn't...
That's why I have regrets.
That's why there have been lost opportunities...

As I shared with this friend:
"I look back & have many regrets & although Satan would love to slam me into a pit of shame, I refuse to go there, much less stay there. It's a tough reality to swallow yet once we moved here "away from the village" & then Kyle had his colon removed in 2008, God peeled the scales from my eyes & allowed me to truly see. I'm thankful for the grace that MaKayla, most especially, has lavished upon me. I was such a rotten mom for the first several years of my/her life... Too busy with ministry...people...friends...SELF... She could hate me, but she doesn't. She could resent me, but she chooses to love me. She could rebel & fight & demand independence yet she is humble, submissive & down right wonderful... In it all & through it all God promises to restore the wasted years & He declares that He will breathe life into dry, brittle bones. He has & continues to do just that. Such a gracious Savior.

I wish there had been wise "older" women to sit me down & challenge me to love & serve my family well. Ministry could have waited until my babies were grown however busyness, programs & constant motion is such a norm in our society/church & too many people wait until...it's gone. Too many "good" things aren't necessarily "God" things."

In His goodness, God graciously gave me a renewed vision & since that "sight healing", I haven't looked back...

And this not only applies to the Christian community but society in general...
Involve your kids in this.
Enroll them in that
The best life is the busy life.

Dance classes.
T-ball.
Soccer.

Meals on the run.
Late nights.
Exhausted kids.

And then add the philosophy of raise your kids & then enjoy your grandkids...
We're too busy & too tired to enjoy the growing up years of our own...
When life settles down & our children have children, that's when "life" begins...

We have it so wrong in so many areas.

Some think I "enable" my family, yet I want to...
♥ live as if I were dying...
♥ invest as if today was my last...
♥ love as if tomorrow wasn't coming...

For to be honest...

I have no guarantee.

I don't want to wait until...
*grandbabies
*a traumatic diagnosis
*a tragic loss
*a wayward child
*a wake-up call

I want to do it now.

With the last hoorah of summer upon us, take a step back.
Are you savoring life?
Are you drinking in the moment?
Are you investing in those entrusted to you?

Are you lining up a string of regrets?
Are you piling up a mound of, "I could have, I should have..."
Are you building up a wall of , "If only's..."

You will never regret...
♥ playing that game of catch
♥ cashing in on that nurturing opportunity
♥ taking that walk
♥ enjoying that moment of intimacy
♥ listening to the laughter
♥ extending that grace
♥ putting those puzzle pieces together
♥ drying the tears
♥ staying in those jammies
♥ forgiving that wrong
♥ sipping that cup of imaginary tea
♥ throwing that line into the pond
♥ holding that hand
♥ choosing to "not be too tired"
♥ hearing that heart
♥ reading that book (for the 100th time)
♥ kneeling to that level
♥ picking that dandelion
♥ embracing that fragile body
♥ dancing in the rain
♥ offering that smile
♥ cuddling the tired
♥ watching the peacefulness of sleep
♥ ...

What you will regret is being too busy...
Or saying, "Maybe in a minute..."

It's a beautiful life we've been given...
Savor every moment. ♥

And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten...

~Joel 2:25~

He Is Bigger...

It's a little after seven...
♥ eggs have been boiled...
♥ Amazon shipment has been packaged...
♥ two have been kissed, prayed over & sent out the door...
♥ a chicken is in the oven baking for chicken salad tonight...
♥ the bed is made...
♥ laundry has been started...
♥ I'm on my second cup of coffee (that Kyle made)... ♥
♥ a Yankee Sweet Honeysuckle candle warmly burns...
♥ the scent of his sunscreen from yesterday afternoon is still fresh in my nose... ♥

For Kyle's birthday, I made homemade redeemable coupons that have no expiration date & have no limit in the number of redemptions. He has them neatly stacked on his side of the headboard on our bed. Last night I noticed him shuffling through them... This morning I awoke to this: ♥

He poured our coffee & we walked out the door at exactly 5:32 a.m. We sat & chatted. Shared our hearts. Listened to the symphony of God's creation (do you realize how much music grasshoppers make...and roosters...ugh, on the roosters...yes, they were my idea...yes, Tom, I thought of you...). We made mention of the numerous stars. We sipped our cups a joe'. We prayed together. We sought God. We thanked God. We breathed in first morning fresh air. ♥ It. Was. Wonderful. ♥

#1353 ~ wonderful family evenings

In bittersweet fashion, we said good-bye to our puppy loves yesterday afternoon as Jon & Jane have returned from their vacation. It will be nice to not have all the extra running to do (Mal & I have been taking MaKayla to work & then stopping by to care for the precious little wonders & repeating the same process mid-afternoon) yet you can't help but get attached...especially to the ones who need extra TLC.

Mal affectionately named this little guy, "Sperry"... ♥

One look at their faces & you are instantly in love.

Mark my word, one day we WILL have a bully in this house...
The puppy kind, that is... ♥

This week has been one of those weeks that it has seemed like if it could go wrong, it did go wrong. Wearing is an understatement...
An unfixable tire.
Late nights.
Clogged drains.
The reality of two vehicles when we needed three.
Another flat tire that thankfully was fixable.

The unfixable tire AND the clogged drain(s) both happened in a 12-hour span.
Kyle was less than impressed.

By the time the drain issue presented itself (after 10:00 p.m.) we were exhausted. Exhaustion ALWAYS makes a problem seem bigger than it probably really is, but still. After working & plunging & snaking &... (we were ALL in the bathroom), I looked at MaKayla & said, "Will you please pray....". These are times I am so grateful that God has impressed upon our hearts as parents to teach our children what it means to seek God & intercede no matter how big or how small, no matter how important or trivial, no matter what. She prayed. "God, we acknowledge You..." She asked. "God, as silly as it seems & sounds, we ask that you heal our drains..." She thanked God for His faithfulness even when we can't see or understand. Even when life seems daunting... "God, we can't see & we don't understand but we trust You..." As she prayed, I felt God speak to my heart, "11:00". It was as simple as that... "11:00."

At 10:58, things started emerging from the drain that I will spare you the explanation of... You can only imagine... I mean, my grandpa Mack built this house in 1957 & I am certain that nothing has been done with the drains since the time they were initially installed... That's, let's see, 56 years... Anyway, at 10:58 things started "happening" & as the seconds ticked by & Kyle continued to exert all of his strength & energy into plunging the bathtub drain, I simply said, "God told me 11:00." Both girls looked at me & MaKayla said, "11:00, huh?" As the clock struck 11:00 p.m. both the bathtub & the sink emptied within moments.

Faith-builder 101. ♥

Teach your kids to pray...to seek...to intercede...to trust...
Give your kids faith-building opportunities...no matter how big or how small...
The prayer of a righteous man or woman or child availeth much. ♥

As Kyle & I fell into bed & my thoughts focused on God's faithfulness, all the while asking Him for direction in regard to the unfixable tire, He allowed me to see things from His perspective...

He allowed me to envision the tire.
He allowed me to envision the universe.
When compared to the universe, the tire became very small.

#1355 ~ the faith of a nineteen-year-old that 

we've been blessed to raise

He allowed me to envision the 2" of water that had previously been held captive in our bathtub.
He allowed me to envision the oceans & seas.
When compared to the oceans & seas, the 2" of water became minimal.

#1349 ~ drains that unclog by the hand of God

 at exactly 11:00

From His perspective, our problems became like a pebble of sand compared to the greatness of the God that we serve.

He is the Creator of the universe.
He is the Creator of the oceans & seas.
If He is able to create such vast elements, why do I allow the small things to become so big?
Why do I choose to fret rather than to pray?
Why do I worry rather than trust?
Why do I try to figure it out rather than WAIT & listen for an answer?
Why do I get rattled rather than to dwell in peace?
Why?

In perspective, God is big & what He has created is beyond envisioning.
And although our trials in life many times seem ginormous, He is bigger.
He has the power, strength & ability to overcome.
He has what it takes to heal...
Even a trivial 56 year-old drain.

Faith-building 101.
It's not the first time.
It won't be the last.

#1354 ~ "I love you," screams from another bedroom ♥

Seizing the opportunity.  ♥
Savoring the moment. ♥

Confess your faults one to another, 

and pray one for another, 

that ye may be healed. 

The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

~James 5:16~

They Are...

It's been a week to say the least. With lots of juggling of schedules, running to & fro, accomplishing this task & completing that one & making sure at least one of the three pair of jean capris are washed, dried, folded & ready to be worn... ♥

MaKayla is transitioning well into the new adventure that God continues to orchestrate.
Mal is finding it difficult to adjust to life with braces.
Kyle is enjoying evening visits to do bullie chores. (Yes, they're adorable)
And me...I am holding down the fort making sure everyone is fed, clothed & cared for...
And happy... :)

#1346 ~ hands that love me gently

& create music of praise

MaKayla is loving her new employment opportunity however I don't think she's looking at it much like a job yet more like an assignment from God in this journey of life He has called her to walk. Her focus isn't the paycheck or how many hours she can get in but more like, "What can I learn? Who can I bless? How efficient can I be?" This girl of mine loves a good challenge, loves to work hard & loves to stay busy at whatever task her hands are asked to do. ♥ She loves to meet new people & isn't afraid to allow new foods to awaken her palette. (Ya know, she's one of those "socially deficit" homeschooled kids who simply isn't "equipped" to function in "the real world"... Sorry, just had to add that... I won't mention it again...pinky promise...) All sarcasm aside, MaKayla is doing great & has learned the past few days what it's like to wake at 5:30 a.m. in order to be around & out of the house by 6:30 a.m. She's learned what it's like to juggle two jobs at once & to fully appreciate an early bedtime. She's learned how to make smoothies, lattes & some other delectably rich iced drink that contains coffee & whipped cream (how can you go wrong with such a combination...). I love to get her texts saying, "Headed your way..." & I look forward to seeing her face, hearing her voice & listening to the events of her busy day. ♥ It's obvious how God is stretching her & what a beautiful portrait that is to this momma. ♥

#1348 ~ unexpected love notes...

Wednesday was a BIG day for Mal...

Ortho spacers were removed & brackets/wires/bands were put in place. After a LONG two-hour appointment she now has her new "mouth jewelry" that will accessorize her smile for the next two years. To be honest, she's not thrilled... MaKayla was such a diva that the drama of braces was just what she needed to make it exciting. She loved the idea of changing band colors every little whip stitch depending on the holiday or the vast array of choices in her wardrobe; Mal, not so much. She's as far from a diva as they come which makes the reality of wearing such awkwardness for two.whole.years. daunting... Finally last night I just asked her, "Do you want me to get an appointment to have them removed..."

This precious one of mine isn't concerned with self-image & how others view her 

(just one sliver of her heart that I deeply love) ♥

so seeing the "benefit" of having straight teeth in the end isn't really an incentive. 

We're doing this sheerly for "need" purposes. 

#1347 ~ braces in place

As I sat & processed last night, listening to the emotional content that dwells within those I love most (all three of them), my heart was burdened & heavy. It all boiled down to a few things that are undeniable...

Change is uncomfortable. 

Transitions are hard. 

Adjustments are painful.

And for many people, the best philosophy is to suck it up & move on. It's life.

Why is that?

Is it because they don't feel like they are adequately equipped to help the person/situation?

Is it because they are so consumed with their own life/agenda/issues that they simply don't want to take the time & energy?

Is it because they are scared to put themselves out there?

Is it because they don't care?

Regardless of the "why", I just don't see it that way.

When someone is hurting, you listen.

When someone is struggling, you encourage.

When someone is broken, you become the glue.

After taking Kyle to catch a ride to work this morning (yes, this is a week we could desperately use a third vehicle) I cried out to God. I prayed that He would show me how to help...how to heal...how to restore...how to encourage...how to assure...how to affirm...how to be HIS hands & feet... So many times we get this perverted deception that we are in the here-and-now for self & when we think this way, self is all we see. Self is all we think. Self is all we serve.

We were made for so much more...

I know I'm not God & I know I can not fix hearts. I know this to be the absolute truth yet what I also know is that He created us to be Him in the flesh. To touch people. To invest in people. To give ALL we have in order to restore another person's spirit & to give hope.

He did.

I don't care if I have to use every ounce of strength I have, I will never cease to do all I can to be His arms of comfort, His voice of assurance, His presence of peace, His touch of love. I will give all I have to be the glue to put those broken pieces together all the while pointing those I love to the One who forgives all our sins & heals all our diseases. I will invest every fiber of my being into making sure those He entrusted to me are nurtured, cared for & loved (mentally, physically, spiritually & emotionally) to the best of the abilities that He has given to me. ♥

They are my life.

They are my love.

They are my purpose.

For when hurt, struggle & brokenness is ignored, Satan takes those things & grossly turns them into insecurity, anger, depression, resentment...infectious wounds...debilitating strongholds. That's something I'm not turning my back on... That's a chance that's too risky to take...

It's taken me a long while to learn this...

Seven years to be exact... 

And every day I learn a little more...

It's nothing in & of myself for I am flesh. 

It's all about grace. ♥

It's all about a Savior. ♥

Let all that I am praise the Lord;
    with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
    may I never forget the good things he does for me.
 He forgives all my sins
    and heals all my diseases.
 He redeems me from death
    and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
 He fills my life with good things.
    My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!

~Psalm 103:1-5

It's A God Season...

It's a dreary morning here yet the sun is trying with all it's might to crowd those clouds out & make itself known. The past few days have been unseasonably cool & rainy so that coupled with Mal having some dental work done, leaving her mouth sore, soup has been on the menu. :) Soup is a mainstay in the fall & winter months here in the O'Riley home.

Disclaimer: Tough post...you may wish to stop reading here... ;)
*You may become offended... It is not at all my intent.
*Or feel like I am judging... I'm not.
*You may very much dislike me when you are finished... Please still like me.
**There. I said it. If you continue reading, you chose to do so & I pray you will still call me "friend" by the time you are finished. ♥

It's been a different week for me...
for Kyle...
for MaKayla...
for Mal...
for our entire family...

Lots of changes...
Lots of transitions...
Lots of exchanging of roles...

New schedules...
New situations...
New ways of learning to trust God...

I won't lie or deny the fact that our family is "different"...
And...
When some people look at us & how Kyle & I have felt God calling us to raise up MaKayla & Mal, they would translate that word "different" for:
*weird...
*abnormal...
*ridiculous...
*dysfunctional...
*behind times...
*eccentric...
*sheltering...
*odd...
And most likely downright STRANGE...
And to be honest, I would guess that they are probably correct to a degree in every one of those areas... :) It's no secret & something we are very used to. There have been times in life that it bothered me & birthed a sense of insecurity within my spirit but as the girls have gotten older & the Lord has allowed me to see the result/fruit/benefit of how He was/is calling us to live, I. Am. Thankful. ♥ These years we have been given to shape, train, nurture & disciple our children are only ours for a short season & when those years are gone, they're gone. That doesn't mean we will no longer have an influence on them yet it does mean that what we have done in the time we have been given shapes them into who they will be, how they will live, the choices they will make, the wives/mommas they will become, the character they will display, the Jesus they will trust in...

You see, how we have raised our children, is not how we ourselves were raised.
Neither of us were homeschooled.
Neither of us were encouraged to abstain from "dating".
Neither of us were directed to wholly seek God for life-direction.
Neither of us were guided to wait on God until He clearly showed us the way & opened the doors He wanted us to walk through.

I was raised in a Christian home where my dad worked hard to provide & my momma chose childcare as her career so that she could be present... Present to wake Troy, Marci & I in the morning. Present to be there to send us off to school. Present to be there every evening when we arrived home. Many days with freshly baked cookies & a satisfying supper to nurture our growing bodies. ♥

Kyle as well was raised in a home that attended church yet neither of us knew the true essence of what the Christ-like life really meant. To be fully surrendered. Submitted. Committed. Yielded. It wasn't until MaKayla was born that we genuinely allowed God to be Lord of our lives... At that point, He grabbed a hold & our hearts began to change. Little-by-little, the bend of our spirits were turned toward Him & what was once a religion soon became a relationship.

We gave up the drinking habit.
Independence was surrendered.
Friends changed.

Our lifestyle was transformed.

As MaKayla began to grow from a baby to a toddler...
From a toddler to a little girl...
From a little girl to a preschooler...
The Lord began to stir within Kyle's heart...

Initially I was opposed to homeschooling but he insisted...
I submitted... (He always wins...as it should be. ♥)

This kind of living was foreign yet step-by-step God tweaked our path to line up with His. And through the years He has gently & faithfully continued to change us, shape us & transform us. I humbly admit that we have had no part other than to listen, receive & walk where He leads. Plain & simple we are creatures of flesh & our hearts are inclined to follow the desires of self... We are tempted to do our own thing & go our own way... And living the "different" life hasn't always been the "easy" life as some would like to believe...
For us...
For our girls...

It's meant:
*very few friends...
*limited extra-curricular activities...
*no dances...
*no boyfriends...
*no homecomings...
*no proms...
*no grade cards or invitations to the National Honor Society...
*no school-based clubs...
*no R-rated movies...
*no secular music...
*modest/selective dress...
*moments of loneliness & exclusion
*the list is endless...

I don't mention these things for sympathy for we are not sorry or sad yet what I wish more people understood is that we don't live by these standards because they are what we deem as right or correct or desirable...

Remember that "bend of our spirits being turned toward God" mentioned a few paragraphs up?

That's why... 

And although the "different" life isn't always the "easy" life...
I am reminded that the "different" life for Jesus wasn't the "easy" life either...
Far from it...
And I think that many times we as Christians think we have our own rights...
To do what we want...
To act as we wish...
To choose as we desire...
To live as though our lives are our own...
Yet Jesus always lived the will of the Father. (John 5:19, 30)

It was never about Him...

But always about the One who sent Him.

As MaKayla & I visited last night & this morning regarding the transitions taking place in her life (and subsequently our entire family), she said, "I know some people don't understand why I am excited or why it is such a big deal or why it is such a change. I know they think, 'My kids have been doing this since they began to drive or once they finished high school or... What's all the hype?'" Honestly, the same thinking has crossed my mind.

Most people are aware that MaKayla graduated in 2012 & felt God leading her to stay at home...
To learn...
To grow...
To wait for direction...
She has been diligent, prayerful & attentive in the wait.

For that I am thankful.

She has been a living lesson for me. ♥

A few weeks back, sitting at the kitchen table with many tears streaming down our cheeks, she & I had a long talk about where she was at in life & where she felt God was leading her. She knew He was stirring... Preparing...Arranging...

We talked about many possibilities & I shared with her about a job listing that I had recently noticed.
*Great hours.
*Christian environment.
*God-fearing boss.
She called & both positions had been filled...
I apologized for not telling her about it sooner yet in the abundance of grace that she always extends, she said, "Don't feel bad, Mom. If you had mentioned it before, I wouldn't have even considered it, as just in the past few days have I felt God moving within me regarding something new. He knows what He's doing & if that was His will, He would have opened the door." ♥

All day Tuesday the thoughts of this particular job kept coming to mind & rather than entertain them, I would immediately turn those thoughts over to God & pray for His divine will & direction (a concept He imparted on my heart while studying/teaching on the armor of God last year). Tuesday afternoon MaKayla's cell phone rang & as she took the call to a different room, Mal & I instantly knew... After thinking it over, doing some research on MaKayla & visiting with one of our closest friends, Carolyn reconsidered & wanted MaKayla to consider taking a job.

Yes, most kids get their first "job" when they are 16.
Kyle & I did.
Yes, most kids leave home as soon as they graduate.
Kyle & I did.
Yes, most kids are in the "real world" in their early teens.
(I hated the use of those words together when I was a teenager & I still don't like it much. I mean, what is the "real world"?!? Isn't it different to everyone? When someone uses that phrase to make you feel like you have NO idea, it's somewhat belittling & a whole lot irritating.)
We were, too.

But God has led us differently...

So at the beautiful age of 19, MaKayla has started her first "out-in-the-public" vocation. It's a vocation dealing with people rather than with momma & baby bullies. :) It's a vocation learning concepts that I simply can't teach her here at home. It's a vocation allowing her to put to use all that God has compelled us to instill in her from the time He started changing our hearts. It's a vocation where she must learn to work with others & have a heart that is teachable. It's a vocation where she is realizing what it means to take correction with grace & humility. It's a vocation where she is finding what it looks like to live Jesus to those who maybe don't seem all that deserving.

It's not just a vocation, it's a direct call from God. 

An open door. 

A divine opportunity.

It's been a week of adjustments for all of us...

Good adjustments...

God adjustments...

MaKayla is loving the challenge & she is thrilled to work in an atmosphere where she can exercise her OCD. (For those of you who know her very well, know how important this element is.) She greatly enjoys those she works with & is thankful to be in an environment where God is honored. She is meeting new people, learning new things & developing new degrees of character. Her taste buds are being stretched (which she loves) & she is thrilled to have access to sugary eats (bad, bad, bad). 

I am grateful for those who have helped to build the reality of hard work into every fiber of her being.

All those days of wood cutting, wood hauling & wood stacking with Grandpa...

All the instances of cleaning/scrubbing soiled dog pens & nursing sick puppies back to health for Jon...

Those moments are paying off...

My heart is blessed that MaKayla has chosen to "wait"...

And although it may seem trivial & minimal to most, this new season of life is of great significance to us.

It's a stepping stone.

A building block.

A testimony of faith.

It's a season we've been praying for & trusting God to bring to pass.

As I've prayed with her through tears every morning before she has left home, God reminds me of His faithfulness as we stand on faith & wait on Him. 

It's a different season but it's a God season... ♥

“I am the Lord; that is my name!
    I will not yield my glory to another or my praise to idols.
See, the former things have taken place, and new things I declare;
before they spring into being I announce them to you.”

Isaiah 42:8-9