I glanced back on my last post...
Broken.
And although I'm making some sense of progress,
I'm still there.
#1442 ~ repeated opportunities to return
(to the foundational love of God...)
I know that my troubles, achings, difficulties & trials are minimal to most.
I clearly recognize that.
Yet in God's eyes, He sees my hurt...
And He cares.
#1429 ~ being in Kyle's bare arms
Three weeks ago yesterday Kyle stepped down from his position on the worship team at the church where we have been attending/serving for the past several years. It was a painful decision yet something that God had been stirring in our hearts for quite some time. An outcome that drastically affected MaKayla & Mal as well. The days following that decision have been laden with struggle, heartache, body-wrenching pangs that won't cease.
Tears, sadness, hurt, loneliness, confusion.
Regret, despair, lack of understanding.
A real sense of displacement.
#1431 ~ a heart that desires & longs for belonging
In the midst of that, MaKayla loosened her grasp on the job that seemed perfect.
She loved the work.
The atmosphere.
The people she served.
Yet in the midst of all the perfect things was a component that destroyed her spirit.
Shattered her countenance.
Robbed her joy.
Again, displacement.
#1437 ~ hope in seeing God's unfinished work come to pass
Intermingled was a death of someone we cared deeply for.
Not a blood-relative but a grandpa of the heart.The loss of a man who was passionately loved by people we love.
Displacement.
#1383 ~ tear stained cheeks...
Loss.
Loss.
Loss.
Trying to make sense of it all & see God's plan in the midst of chaotic emotions I'm finding, is a spiritual battle of the intensest kind.
#1392 ~ a dad that reminds me to draw from Kyle's strength in my weakness
One day we're up.
The next down.
A yo-yo of sorts.
Today, I am up. Kyle is down.
Tomorrow, Kyle is up and I am down.
Why is joy so hard to come by & hang tightly to?
Is it effected by those we are in contact with?
Is it altered by nutrition, exercise & sleep quality/quantity?
Can it be controlled by how much we are in the Word?
Can it be solidified through our time of intimate communion with God?
Can it be increased as we fellowship with other believers?
How do we hang on to joy when life is hard?
Confusing.
Sorrowful.
Lonely.
I can't change how others see me.
I can't change someone else's heart.
I can't change the weather today or the forecast for tomorrow.
I can't remove pride from someone's life.
I can't make another individual love God more.
I can't breathe life into laboring lungs or delay the dying process.
#1414 ~ the freedom of humility
~being teachable
~acknowledging mistakes
~getting back on track
~loving others
I can't make someone see that their choices are destructive.
I can't convince another that Jesus is the answer.
I can't control the direction of the wind or the impact of national disasters.
#1416 ~ strong, warm fall breezes that rattle pans hanging from the pan rack
I can't save a soul from Hell or promote a life to Heaven.
I can't fill a heart with joy or make someone see the beauty in life.
I can't fertilize an egg or transform a cocoon into a butterfly.
#1419 ~ confirming words from priceless friends
I can't...
But God can.
#1411 ~ the richness of redemption
Hanging on to joy, means hanging on to God.
Hanging on to joy, means letting go & letting Him.
Hanging on to joy, means praying He will & believing He can.
*Journal entry 9-26-2013:
"... I can change nothing. He can change everything. Lord, change me."
But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord,
I wait for God my Savior;
my God will hear me.
Micah 7:7
