Raw.

Now that the security settings are in place, I feel a sense of freedom. Freedom to share my heart without rebuke. Freedom to share my heart without it being thrown back at me. Freedom to be real. Thank you for taking this journey with us. It's nice to be amongst friends we can trust. ♥

Raw.
That's my heart right now.
And my emotions.
The tears appear out of nowhere & fall freely where they wish.
Painful.

I'm trying to hold it all together to prevent the heartache from permeating...
To Kyle.
To MaKayla.
To Mal.
Yet at times, it's more than what I am capable of.
So I cry.

MaKayla described it best the other day...
"I feel like God has taken my world, turned it upside down & given it a good shaking."
My heart, mind & spirit reverberates in synch with hers. ♥

No, Kyle & I aren't having marital trouble.
No, we're not losing our home, our car or any other material thing we possess.
(Who cares? In the end, those things don't matter any way.)
No, MaKayla isn't pregnant.
No, we don't have a child who is choosing a wayward path of life.
No, we haven't been diagnosed with a terminal illness.
Aren't you glad about all of those things? I am.

Sometimes life is just hard & for most, they just deal with the difficulty of the situation & move on.
Some move on in bitterness.
Some in anger.
Some in depression.
Some in anxiety.
Some cling to fear.
Some to destructive habits.
Some bury it deep & every time it resurfaces, they push it deeper still.

Sometimes, I'm the same way.
Other times, I'm simply not.
This would be one of those times.

Most of you who know me well, know that I am not a person who settles.
I'm a digger.
A question asker.
A longing soul.
A being who wants to know.

So as I process these things currently in our midst...
I wonder many things...
(Some of these may totally shock you, please don't judge me...) ♥

How do I know I am hearing God?
How does God speak?
Is what I've always believed about God & the Bible truth?

Are things I see as God, really Him?
Signs?
Wonders?
Indicators?

If this was/is God, then why?

Why would He call someone to something & then seem to redirect that call?
Why would He redirect the call when the path ahead appears obsolete?

I know... Some of you are saying,

Trust in the Lord with all your heart & lean not on your own understanding,

in all your ways acknowledge Him,

and He will make your paths straight.

~ Proverbs 3:5-6 ~

But when what you believe is being shaken, how can you believe something you are questioning as truth?
I told you I would shock you with the sentiments of my heart.
I told you I was raw.
I don't lie.
Please don't judge me. ♥

Kyle tells me to keep my focus...
To pray...
To hang on...
My response...
"I'm trying."

I have so many questions.
I have so much uncertainty.
My being is in shards.

Anxiety is my ally. (I know, that is not of God.)
Confusion is my companion. (I know, that is not of God, either.)
Sadness is my sidekick. (I know, I should have joy...)
Remember? I told you not to judge me. ♥

I'm not being dramatic.
I'm not looking for attention.
I'm seeking answers.
Solid answers.

What does God want His church to look like?
How does God want His church to operate?
What is acceptable?
What is not?

Accountability?
No accountability?
Boundaries?
No boundaries?

God standards?
Standards of men?

How passionate does He want us to be for Him?
Does He want to be very first place in our lives?
Is it possible to be overzealous?
Never being willing to settle for less than what He desires?

Does He give us tangible signs that point the way?
Or as Christians are we seeing/discerning things as "signs" the same way non-believers see horoscopes or karma or fate or superstition, when it really isn't God at all?
Does He really speak to our hearts in a way we can understand?

And when these questions stick deep within the heart of yourself, it's one thing.
When they stick deep in the heart of your children, it's a different thing completely. ♥

I refuse to settle.
I will dig.
I will cry.
I will search, seek, pursue.
I will not give up.

There's too much at stake here to just accept situations/circumstances of life as they are.
Not only for myself but for our children.
I will press on.

"Awake, O sword, against my shepherd,

against the man who is close to me!"

declares the LORD Almighty.

"Strike the shepherd,

and the sheep will be scattered,

and I will turn my hand against the little ones.

In the whole land," declares the LORD,

"two-thirds will be struck down and perish;

yet one-third will be left in it.

This third I will bring into the fire;

I will refine them like silver 

and test them as gold.

They will call on my name

and I will answer them;

I will say, 'They are my people,'

and they will say, 'The LORD is our God.'"

~Zechariah 13:7-9~

*An exerpt from an A. W. Tozer book I am currently reading:
Among things he said in that sermon was that the way of the cross was hard. This was an important consideration on his part, because he felt that many people were trying to make the Christian life out to be an easy thing when the Scriptures showed how difficult it was to follow Jesus Christ. A Christian without the cross was unthinkable in his mind, and he believed that too many leaders were offering a brand of Christianity that was cheap and easy and did not lay the heavy burden of the cross bearing on the people. This certainly was not the Christianity of the Church fathers, the reformers or the revivalists that had come before.

(I challenge you to ponder those words... I am open to thoughts.)