It Is My Job...

I won't lie...
my heart is heavy today.

I won't try & pretend that I'm okay...
I am broken inside.

I won't hide the tears...
for the pain I feel is great.

I won't give up trying...
maybe, just maybe, one day I'll get it right.

Over, and over and over I feel as though I am a constant disappointment.
If my "no" should be "yes", I fall short.
If my "yes" should be "no", I fail again.
It hasn't always been this way...
Maybe that's why I feel so crippled...

I don't disappoint intentionally.
I'm only striving to follow hard after God.
I wish I had understanding.

I refuse to allow the seed of bitterness to take root even though time and again it attempts to bury itself deep within me. I continually dig, pull and pluck that annoying seed for the Lord commands that I not let it grow. The soil of my heart isn't just fertile to receive good seed, but sinful seed as well. It is my job to daily tend the garden of who I am and what I allow to germinate. Through the discernment of the Holy Spirit, I must never cease to rake away that which He says is unfruitful. Oh, how easy it is for the weeds to creep up, multiply and take over. I will diligently purpose, with the Lord's help, to keep the garden of my heart clean, fertile and cared for. I will not let the pungent seed of bitterness rule within me.

No matter the heaviness I feel.
No matter the brokenness that dwells.
No matter the pain that rivets me.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.

Psalm 62:5~8