In The Shifting Of Control...I Decided To Take The Lead.

Yesterday.
Another one of those days.

It didn't start out as such but then a spontaneous outing that I hadn't adequately sought or allowed God to prepare my heart for quickly derailed me & tossed me completely off the track. It wasn't progressive, it was instant.

Immediate tension.
Split-second agitation.
Consuming irritation.

And my default...
Disconnect.
Control.
Transparent frustration.

I removed myself from the situation momentarily but instead of taking that opportunity to regroup, refocus & recollect, I allowed the core of the matter to fester & brew. Unwisely, I failed to turn my focus from the circumstance & redirect it toward God. My blood-pressure soared. My heart rate elevated. My peace drained...out of my feet. I was a hot mess. Truly. Just ask Mal.

Note to self: When default tendencies begin to show potential of becoming reality, take a deep breath, inwardly cry out to God, allow Him to put things in perspective according to His Word. Who I know He wants me to be. How I know He wants me to respond. His character being lived out & worked out in me.

Why do I allow the flesh to outrun the Spirit?
Why do I permit emotions to overtake moderation?
Why do I enable self to trump Truth?

Because I heed the natural & silence the Divine.

The afternoon continued & my attitude, nor my temperament improved. At all. Displeasure was evident & obvious. I voiced & vented. Plead my cause. Confirmed my point. Fine. Dandy. Understood. Yet my heart was still wrong. And I knew it.

I came home, shared with Kyle & contemplated. He worked on winterizing the pool while I continued to consider the yearnings & ponderings of my heart. I shared with him various things that were meandering through mind & lessons I was taking away from the situation at hand. Lessons dealing with my contribution to the circumstance as well as contributions of others. I told him that I was going to find a place in the sunshine & sit. I retrieved my Bible & my journal, found a chair on the west side of the house in the direct shining of the sun & began to put thoughts to paper in order to help me sort out & work out how God was speaking to me.

Control.

Plain and simple.

Control.

Control... A stronghold in my spirit that has the potential to encapsulate & permeate me like not much else. Why? I don't like to be defied. I can do what's comfortable. A feeding of pride due to accomplishment. My esteem of self is too great. Fear. The more I study & the more I grow in the Lord, the more I recognize when my heart begins to beat in the, 'I'm out of control & I'm on a quest to regain it,' rhythm. I'm beginning to better discern the Holy Spirit's voice of, "You're entering into unauthorized  territory & you need to guard your heart. For your sake - falling into sin/heeding temptation. For the sake of the other person - potential to inflict/hurt." Lord, I know this is an area of my heart that desperately needs reshaping, transforming & softening. Will you help me? Help me to know when to persist & when to let it go. When something's worth fighting for & when it's prudent to surrender.

Kyle & I discussed it more throughout the evening as I continued to work the entirety of the afternoon out in my heart. I sat & typed up a Facebook post that collected my thoughts...

Two coinciding thoughts conclude my afternoon...
1.) If you're not going to enforce the rule/boundary/standard, don't put it into place.
2.)  I never want to arrive at the place where my heart becomes so stubborn/prideful that I am unteachable or so hardened/obstinate that I am beyond correction.
*Taxing days are wearing yet I am reminded to 'Count it all joy'... And that the taxation is worth it when you can walk away with a deeper understanding & a fresh measure of wisdom for days/times ahead. Prudence. :) Every situation in life is an opportunity for Christ to enlighten us to something we need to see/learn if our hearts are willing to perceive & pliable to be molded. Happy Friday Eve! :)

I questioned the posting of it for well over an hour... I tossed it around. Thought it through. Considered it intently. Yes. No. I think it's fine. Probably shouldn't. Yeah, maybe someone else can relate. I don't think it's conducive to what God would desire.

Control was shifting...
I had possession...
And then I gave it to God.
Back to me.
Then Him.
Me.
Him.

I knew at the core of my being that my heart wasn't "all" right in it. Yes, I had been reminded of profound lessons I wanted to etch in my heart & implement in the coming days/weeks/months/years yet what I was highlighting was someone else's weaknesses & falterings...not my own. But I reasoned that no one else knew those facts but me. I reasoned it out & then briefly, ever-so-briefly, a truth that a sister-in-Christ shared yesterday morning on Facebook that had impacted me greatly wafted through my spirit...

I thought on it for a moment & then began to reason again...

Note to self: Never reason with God. He is ALWAYS right.

And when one reasons long enough, they convince themselves (through the enemy's influence) that they are right & the harm they once considered, is invalid.

Post.

There...
It was done.
Posted.
Me.

I went to bed unsettled about my choice but decided to give it until morning & if I still wasn't sure, I would delete the thoughts that I felt so compelled to share.

Long night.
A long night of wrestling...
With God.

Delete.

There...
It was done.
Gone.
Him.

I threw my flannels on, put my contacts in, brushed my teeth. Clicked on the lamp, stumbled through the living room, found my way to the kitchen. Another light accessed, coffee poured, CD player turned on. Journal located, Bible retrieved, a place at the table found. Reading glasses on, pen in hand, sentiments of the heart transferred to paper. My every morning... But this one was different. I knew I had wrestled with God throughout the hours of the night & I knew why...

In the shifting of control, due to pride, I decided to take the lead.

Wrestling with God resulting in a genuine desire for all manner of pride & control to be removed from my life/heart/mind. In the wrestling I was reminded of my sister's post yesterday...

When I question the "rightness" in some decision or choice, it's probably wrong. And even if it's 99% right & 1% almost right, it's still wrong. If it's not 100% right in God's eyes, I should submit, fear, revere & obey.

And as I shared with MaKayla through text this morning, "Even if what I said was 100% truth, the motive was wrong & prideful. A way to inconspicuously vent. No one would have known it but me... And God... I wrestled with Him over it all night. Right yet wrong. Directed towards a situation & a people. I deleted it early this morning & then I read Proverbs 4... Confirmation. I don't want to be a 'point prover'. The Lord was telling me, "No," but I chose my will instead of His. A profound lesson of faith & obedience for me."

Enter not into the path of the wicked, and go not in the way of evil men. 

Avoid it, pass not by it, turn from it, and pass away. 

For they sleep not, except they have done mischief;

and their sleep is taken away, unless they cause some to fall. 

~Proverbs 4:14-16

My heart was perceptive to what I was to be gleaning (my two Facebook post points) but instead of gleaning with a heart saturated with humility, I was gleaning through a heart laced with pride. It reminded me of the account of the slothful man's vineyard field in Proverbs...

I went by the field of the slothful, and by the vineyard of the man void of understanding;

And, lo, it was all grown over with thorns, and nettles had covered the face thereof, 

and the stone wall thereof was broken down.

Then I saw, and considered it well: I looked upon it, and received instruction.

Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep:

So shall they poverty come as one that travelleth; and thy want as an armed man.

~Proverbs 24:30-34

God wants us to learn from observation & consideration (from our own lives & from the lives of others) yet He wants us to learn with a spirit void of condemnation, pride & control. A spirit steeped in lowliness & humility. Learning from what we see & experience without bitterness, resentment or haughtiness.

Last night I distinctly knew what God was directing me to do yet like the stubborn, prideful, hardened & obstinate heart that I was so troubled by previously in my day...that heart became mine...toward God. Instead of being teachable & open to correction, I was bent on my own will. I coveted control.

A diseased portion of my heart that has been in such a state for as long as I can remember has received Divine treatment... And although I lost some sleep in the hours of the night, what I gained will change me for the remainder of my life.

May I daily be reminded...

Trust In The Affliction & Praise In The Pleasantry...

November 1st.

Time doesn't speed up.
Time doesn't slow down.
Time is time.

60 seconds in every minute.
60 minutes in every hour.
24 hours in every day.
Seven days in every week.

Time.
Time. Is. Time.

Yet when I visit the blog, I realize that May was my last post. And I wonder, how did that happen? How did I allow that to happen?

Time.

Time with people.
Time with the Lord.
Time doing what He has instructed me to do.

Time loving.
Time investing.
Time contemplating.

Time healing.
Time learning.
Time considering.

Time searching.
Time seeking.
Time listening.

In order to understand.

Although time has passed, the time in between has been fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.
Truly.

Not without pain, difficulty & testing yet all-the-same, fruitful, beneficial & life-changing.

Isn't that God?

Helping Grandma move & settle.
Storing summer's bounty for winter's provision.
Walking with those I love through one of life's hardest trials.

And this morning as I contrast & compare, I wonder how one day life can be pleasant & peace-filled, while the next is laden with struggle, frustration & at a loss as to how I should process the events therein. Am I bi-polar? Am I fickle? Do I lack stability? Laughable but true.

Satan would like to convince me of such...

Yet as I seek the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminds me that days are diverse. He reminds me that the diversity of days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...to Him.

I had about two weeks straight where life was absolutely restful, contented & filled with pleasantries, and then BAM, I had a day that, from start-to-finish, was outlined, shaded & filled in with irritations, frustrations & testings. Externally, I did my best to conceal the grossness of my heart but internally, both God & I (Mal, Kyle & one other individual) knew the poison that permeated.

The poison that permeated my thoughts, feelings & emotions.

Since that day a week ago today it's been a day-to-day reality. Pleasant. Not-so-pleasant. Positive. Negative. Empowered. Defeated. Restful. Tormenting.

And my heart has wondered why...

Why on again, off again?
Is it me?
Is it a wavering of faith?
Is it selfishness?
Is it weakness?

One day I concluded it was hormones...
Another day, it was due to how I awoke...
And yet another dependent upon what I ate.

All valid options.

When the alarm alerted me yesterday morning signalling a new day, a new week, reminding me of what lie ahead for my Monday, my heart stirred & wrestled. I knew the day was steeped with the potential for struggle, strain & difficulty however the type that I had envisioned wasn't the pedigree that resulted. An intermittent convo with Mal & then a quick chat with Kyle, followed by a brief visit with MaKayla left my heart assured of prayer yet still unresolved. In the midst, Marci dropped me a quick, unexpected phone call & her pleasant voice, brightened my countenance. We didn't talk about specifics of the situation I was dealing with but our momentary exchange of life happenings, helped me move forward in my day. Without her even knowing. ♥

The events of my day changed & took on a different shape & form, leaving me in a position of completely trusting God. Uncertainty loomed. Apprehension lingered. The steeped potential for struggle, strain & difficulty remained. Yet I purposed to proceed in full-on trust that the One who knew what lie ahead would go before me & prepare the way. He would provide grace for the circumstances. He would protect the sensitivity of the situation. He would shelter the hearts involved.

And He did.

Struggle? Yes.
Strain? Yes.
Difficulty? Yes.

Yet in the midst He was faithful.

This morning as I continued to pray over yesterday's situation & anticipated a quiet, contented Tuesday at home with Mal, my heart went back to the question of "why"?

Why on again, off again? 

Is it me? 

Is it a wavering of faith? 

Is it selfishness? 

Is it weakness?

Yet as I sought the Lord through study, prayer & communion, He reminded me that days are diverse. He reminded me that the diversity of days intensifies my dependence upon Him & keeps me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

On those days where the potential for difficulty is there...
And the brimming reality of struggle is possible...
And the steeped likelihood for strain is at a high percentage...
TRUST.

I knew yesterday was a day drenched with vulnerability on my part & my only option was to pray, depend & trust. That's it. Nothing within me could fix, change or prepare... Everything was out of my control. Beyond my dominion. Far surpassing my determining. I was bare-faced & vulnerable & believe it or not, as crazy as it may sound, there was a deep-seated comfort in my uncertain spirit. A reassurance of assurance. A reminder of faithfulness. A guarantee of Presence.

You don't have this...

But I do.

I Am.

A day saturated with trust.

Today...a contented day. A quiet day. A spiritually restful day. A day where God says,
"Praise. Just embrace & praise. Give thanks. Simply embrace & give thanks."

What He is showing me is that time is time...always the same. The same minutes. The same hours. They hold the same expanse with each that comes & goes, yet those minutes & hours turn into days. And those days are diverse. One day filled to capacity with pleasantries... Days that change us. The next overflowing with immeasurable affliction. Days that transform us. And instead of analyzing the why (yeah, that's my default...I'm always on a quest to understand), trust in the affliction & praise in the pleasantry. Time never changes yet we change through time. We change over time.

Days intensify my dependence upon Him & keep me prayerful, expectant & vulnerable...

to Him.

As Mal & I drove to fill the truck up with gasoline this morning, I found myself acknowledging how deeply grateful I am that, because of Jesus, regardless of the day & what it holds, I can trust and I can praise. And that as seconds turn to minutes & minutes turn to hours & hours turn to days, God is drawing me closer to Him through each & every situation He orchestrates.

Let go of the 'why' & simply rest in His presence. Rest in the trusting. Rejoice in the praising.

But I trusted in thee, O LORD: I said, Thou art my God.

My times are in thy hand...

~Psalm 31:14-15

A Merry Heart... An Excellent Spirit...

It was tough as I pulled myself out of bed shortly after five this morning. Kyle was already up & going & when I emerged from the bedroom he was dressed for work, sitting at the table, doing his morning Bible study. It's a sweet sight for me to see... I poured us some coffee & then we sat together in the quiet silence... Reading... Studying... Gleaning nourishment to catapult our day & discover direction for our steps. His alarm signaled saying he had ten minutes remaining until departure time so he removed his reading glasses, laid aside his journal & pen, and proceeded to share with me how God spoke to his heart. It's reassuring to a wife to hear the moving of God in the life of the one who has been chosen to lead her. Thankful I am. ♥

Kyle left, I returned inside & sat down in our old, wooden rocker with my Bible, journal, commentary & pen. As my eyes fell upon the words of Proverbs 17, the Holy Spirit magnified specific verses that I needed to take intentional notice of... It's amazing to me that after several months of reading through Proverbs, day-by-day, each month, how even after reading those same verses on each day of every month, different aspects stand out. God grows & builds & deepens & expands my understanding. Same verses yet each month, they mean something unique. They mean more. Today, there were three that my eyes kept returning to & two of them I studied more in-depth...

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: 

but a broken spirit drieth the bones. 

(v.22)

He that hath knowledge spareth his words: 

and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit.

 (v.27)

A merry heart...
works as medicine.

A broken spirit...
disintegrates health.

It made me think of a news clip that Mal shared with me yesterday regarding a woman from Italy who is currently 116 years old. A woman whose doctor attributes her longevity to living life with a positive attitude.

There's so much talk in this new-agish world we live in about positive thoughts... Thinking positively... Good vibes... Positive energy...

And sadly most equate all of those things with prayer or some mystical connection to God yet God isn't interested in positive thoughts, He's interested in our heart. And the condition therein. Positive thoughts, good vibes & positive energy have nothing to do with being connected to God. Our connection to God is through His Word & through prayer. Thoughts aren't prayers unless/until they're prayed. Spoken. Uttered. Offered.

Through the mediation of Jesus.

He is our avenue.
Our intercessor.
The Way.

To God.

So when my eyes fell upon the words 'a merry heart', I contemplated what that meant... What that looks like... How that is lived out... And where I fall short.

A week or so ago I had a conversation with an individual about people who are simply discontent & indifferent. Not just about one area of life but about most all areas. It's become who they are & how they process life as a whole. It's a habit. A way of decoding. And as we conversed, I came to the conclusion that some people don't want to be enjoyed & nor do they want to be enjoyable. And as I contemplated the conversation...

I saw myself.

Not making myself enjoyable...
Nor wanting to be enjoyed.

Indifferent.

Or as the Bible refers to it...

Froward.

Difficult...
Contrary...
Just because I can be.

And as the individual & I conversed, God showed me many things. He revealed pieces of myself to myself. And like so many times before (and how I most often learn of things that need to change in my life), I saw myself through what troubled me about someone else.

As in water face answereth to face,

so the heart of man to man.

~Proverbs 27:19

God showed me who He didn't want me to any longer be & He bestowed pity on my heart for another.

A merry heart...

A froward heart is in no way a merry heart. And it's something I have been working on. I want to be a pleasant person. I want to be enjoyed. I want to be enjoyable.

A merry heart...
A rejoicing heart.
A glad heart.

The verse goes on to say that a broken spirit dries up the bones. Destroys health. Breaks down the body. And as Matthew Henry points out...

*sorrows of the mind

*burdens of affliction

*a wounded conscience laden with guilt & fear

*melancholy dispositions

They break the spirit & dry up the bones. They wear a person out & replace vitality with exhaustion. They dissolve a person from the inside out. They generate death... First emotional. Then physical. And even more than that they dim our radiance & negate our witness. We fail to be an emission of salt & light.

Personally, I know pride & criticism & insecurity & bitterness & self-protection have played an integral part in arriving me in a place of possessing a froward heart. Being contrary. Difficult. Obstinate. Peevish. Cross. In turn, I've lost sight of knowing how to love well. Abundantly. Void of partiality.

And then I look on...

...a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit. (ch. 17, v. 27)

An excellent spirit...
denotes/signifies a man of understanding.

Again, Matthew Henry clarifies for me... An excellent heart is one who has:
*a precious spirit (tender)
*a cool spirit
*not heated with passion (anger/irritability)
*failing to allow tumult or disorder by the force/energy of corrupt affection (offense)
*a warm heart

And then I look back...

The beginning of strife is as when one letteth out water:

therefore leave off contention, before it be meddled with. (ch. 17, v. 27)

Which reminded me of last nights facebook conversation I had with one who stirs, spurs & shares the growings of my heart... Letting things go. Leaving off contention. Turning situations over to God. Most especially offenses. For when I don't, the spirit becomes broken. And the bones dry up. My spirit. My bones.

A merry heart...

A heart that rejoices in God...
A heart that serves with gladness.
A heart that is pleasant.
A heart that is enjoyable.
A heart that allows itself to be enjoyed.

An excellent spirit...

A spirit that is warm.
A spirit that is understanding.
A spirit that is unmoved even in the midst of offense or corrupt affection.
A spirit that is tender & moldable & sees the good even in the midst of the not-so-much.
A spirit that loves.

That's who I want to be...
That's who God desires me to be.

It's not about positive energy... Positive thoughts... Good vibes... It's about a heart that is surrendered to it's Maker. A heart that looks beyond that which it is feeling & chooses to see God in the midst of the mess.

Positive thoughts & positive energy & good vibes are self-generated... A merry heart & an excellent spirit are contrived through the One who can construct beauty out of ashes. Who can making things right even when they appear all wrong.

Positive energy & positive thoughts & good vibes are just that...energy...thoughts...vibes. They go as quickly as they come. They fail a connection to God. With God. They extend no further than our mind.

I need more than that.

I need someone who & something that possesses power & strength & might...when I am incapable of seeing things for what they are. When tumult & disorder are knocking on the door of my heart. When heated passions within want to revile. When I want to give up & I grow weary of trying.

That someone...He's Jesus.
That something...His Living Word.

A merry heart...
An excellent spirit...

My desire.
God's desire for me.

Quietness That Allows God To Be God...

Algebra 2...
Tozer's study of Hebrews...
A cup of hot coffee...
Honey Blossom Yankee flickering...
Jim Brickman.

It's been a long while & although I've sat down from time-to-time to share my heart, something happens that I am unable to finish the thoughts I desire to share. I've gotten to the place of, why start if I can't finish...thus no current posts.

I sit in quietness this morning...quiet.

I sit thinking...
Praying...
Considering.

I sit reflecting on what God is showing me and teaching me. I sit meditating on how He desires me to apply & work out that which His Spirit is instructing my heart. I sit here giving thanks that when I am at a loss, He knows the answer. He knows what I need. He is the fulfillment to my wonderings. And as I quietly seek, He gently responds.

Some days I feel like I can totally, absolutely, completely conquer the world...

And then on most other days, 

I feel like taking care of myself & remaining focused on what's "mine to own" is a feat in & of itself.

There are those days that I wake ready to jump from bed prepared to tackle anything & everything that comes to mind...even if it really isn't mine to undertake. And then there are those other days that if I think of anything other than what I know is mine to accomplish, I melt. Into a puddle. My mind gets overwhelmed & the thought of adding something extra, whether it's a physical task or something of the emotional sort, is more than my brain can compute. The past few days have been that of the 'melting in a puddle' kind. And as I begin to melt, God quietly reminds me...

...and aspire to live quietly, 

and to mind your own business, 

and to work with your own hands...

~1 Thessalonians 4:11

Every time I think on this verse, my mind drifts far & away & concocts of how life would have been here on the farm nearly 70 years ago when it was established... Before 24 hour stores... Prior to cell phones... When Sundays were a day for worship & of rest...literally. I asked Mom not long ago if Grandma Jean was a busybody "in the day"... If she would have known where her neighbors were or what they were doing at all times... In the days before social media & the "convenient" instant access to anything & everything. I can briefly remember life as such when I was a young girl. A reality that regretfully our children will never fully know.

Life in Grandpa & Grandma's day was a quiet life... A life where work was hard & it took all hours of the day to accomplish that which needed done. A life that required intentionality.

A hard life yet a simple life.

A life that took all of one's energy & diligence, where there was no time left to worry or dwell on what others were doing. Where they were going. Or their personal problems.

And I wonder...

Is that life achievable today...

Our family has attempted to live simply...quietly. And in that attempt we've many times been deemed as sheltering or removed or uninvolved. Yet it's when I'm home, away from the hustle & bustle of life, that my heart is most at peace & my mind is abundantly at rest. 

Some see that as simple-minded...and it is.

It's a place where the distractions are few & the temptations are minimal. Most would say that is an isolated world & idealistic society yet when I think back on the day-to-day life of Grandpa & Grandma, that was life. A life at home. With the exceptions of church, grocery shopping & an occasional outing with friends, that verse in 1 Thessalonians is what they purposed & aspired to live.

And they did.

Spiritually.
Physically.
Relationally.

And it's what I desire.

I think I realize this more now having a child that is married with a husband and her own home. With parents who are aging & battling health struggles. Where life isn't as easy for them as it used to be. Where daily living is more complex. Where my flesh just wants to rush in & fix it, change it, ease it & make it all okay. In correlation to the child and the parents.

And God says to my racing, churning, turning heart...

"Be still."

I met with a friend a week ago for coffee & she conveyed to me how overwhelming it is when you're trying to mentor & encourage & help others that you see could benefit from your assistance. Or at least you think. Yep. Been there. Done that.

I conveyed to her that if the very things God has entrusted me to do go undone or are neglected because of my supposed ability to help... Or if I am so overwhelmed due to trying to attach strings from my heart to twelve different people while my own people are going unnoticed... Or if my zeal & communion with God has lost it's place as a result of burning a candle at both ends...

Something is out of kilter...
Someone is out of line...
And that something or someone...
Would be me.

There are going to be times & seasons where I am asked for counsel... For help... For my physical presence. In those times & seasons, as God directs, I will counsel. I will help. I will be present. But if I constantly have my "feelers" out trying to be a super-hero to everyone that I think needs my involvement, I am failing to mind my own business. And quietness is far from me.

Been there. Done that.

Prayerfully to never do again.

I distinctly remember one of the most profound times that God enlightened me to this. My momma underwent a routine colonoscopy only to discover an area that appeared "abnormal". Shortly thereafter pathology reports confirmed that a portion of her colon would need removed & surgery was scheduled to rid her body of the suspicious section. I had firmly set in my mind for her to see the surgeon that had previous worked on Kyle & a man that we highly respected. Dad knew how I felt yet Mom was resolved to have the procedure performed at a local hospital by a local physician/surgeon. My opinion wasn't sought & although I wanted to push my case, God firmly conveyed to me to, "Be still". He distinctly told me that unless my opinion was asked, it really didn't have anything to do with me & I needed to respect their choices. Period. Suspicions were confirmed, Mom was positively diagnosed with cancer in her colon & I accompanied she & Dad to one of her initial oncology appointments in which the doctor(s) outlined all treatment options & then gave his/their recommendation as to what he/they deemed best. I knew how I felt but again, I wasn't asked therefore I didn't speak. Quietness.

The same story when MaKayla proceeded with marriage despite deep concerns that Kyle, Mal & I shared. She was aware of how we saw things yet she was certain of what God was calling her to. She was resolved in how she felt Him speaking. She was earnest in hearing His voice rather than the voice of man.

Quietness.

Quietness that allows God to be God.
Quietness that respects another's heart.
Quietness that, knowing or not, brings freedom to a restless soul.

Quietness that squelches control...

And turns it over to the One who owns it.

God has really been showing me how dwelling & mingling in the outer courts has no fruitful end, for the outer court is full of noise and activity and distractions and, as I read earlier in my commentary, "Satan is very busy to disquiet us; and we have that in our own hearts that disposes us to be disquiet..." Yet it is in the inner court...within the holy-of-holies...where we find quietness & solitude & intimacy. Where we can be still & know...that God is. Who God is. And what God desires of me...you...us. Sadly, we'd rather meander... Hearing other people's stories... Problems... Dilemmas. All of which God instructs us to steer clear of & stay far from. For in these things destruction looms. Waits. Entices.

God says...
Live a quiet life...
Mind your own business...
Work with your own hands...
Be still.

Sadly, we meander...
We mingle...
We dwell...

In the noise.
In the activity.
In the distractions.

And as a result, we are burdened, overwhelmed, weighted down.
We can't sort out what is ours & what belongs to someone else.
We try to fix that which we have no tools to repair...
And we concern ourselves with things that really are none of our business.

God says...
Live a quiet life.
Mind your own business.
Work with your own hands.
Be still.

And if we do, His Word says that we will walk honestly...
We will behave properly...
We will win respect.

Many times this requires plugging our ears...
Scaling our eyes...
Shielding our hearts...
And swiftly making our way through the outer courts.

It requires constantly, daily, continually, reminding myself to seek God for direction in...
What He wants me to accomplish...
Who He longs for me to reach out to...
Where He desires for my feet to go...
The words He asks me to speak...
Which situations He compels me to involve myself...
Or not.

With my girl...
With my daddy or my momma...
With my friends...
With my family...
With those in my midst.

~quietness~

making no noise or sound

free from noise

silent

restrained in speech or manner

free from disturbance or tumult

being at rest

refraining or free from activity

It's hard...
It takes intentionality...
It requires discipline.

It means saying no to the flesh & yes to God.

It is my purpose.
It is my passion.
It is my desire.

Quietness.

Swiftly moving through the outer courts...
And finding my dwelling in the most holy place.

Quietness.

I am finished with the attempt to conquer the world...
I am up for the challenge of taking care of myself & remaining focused on what's "mine to own".

...and aspire to live quietly, 

and to mind your own business, 

and to work with your own hands...

~1 Thessalonians 4:11

What Does Maturity Look Like... How Would Maturity Show Forth...

It's a gloomy, gray & rainy day here. The wind is swift yet the breeze is warm...at least for mid-November. The weather we have been experiencing for this time of year has been phenomenal. Other than a few frost-bitten nights, the days have been mildly wonderful. But since our home has been filled with snot & sneezing... Coughs & Kleenexes... We haven't been out much. First, Mal & then Kyle...causing him to miss a day of work. Sunday night I wanted to hog-tie & muzzle him. Snort, sniff. Toss, turn. Cough, moan. Up & down. Bathroom. Drink. Throat lozenge. Bathroom. Blowage of the nose. Coughage of the throat. Slurping of the water. Bathroom. Snort, sniff. Toss, turn. Cough, moan. Goodness... He & I had a pleasant conversation the next morning at the difference between women/moms with illness & men/fathers who are ailing. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing men but this is the real deal... Seriously. And the internet says there is proof that sickness with men is more intense than with women... Go figure. Maybe my patience should have waned longer... :) I put all things in perspective & remind the ailing often, "It could be the pukes..." They quickly relent their misery. :) In the midst of it all, life continues on. ♥

My lengthy blogpost is nearly finished & will soon be filed into the hidden archives. So much understanding, freedom & release comes in doing the painful & although I had to push myself to continue on, I am so thankful that I did. Honestly, putting thought to finger is a means of revelation, wisdom & redemption for me. Getting my thoughts out gives me the ability to let loose & move forward. With the sentiments of my heart documented, I can free up that portion of storage space...in my mind...in my heart...in my spirit. I can let it go & let God work it out. So blessed by friends who challenge me to do that which would be easier to bury...suppress...harbor yet what benefit are any of those things? None at all. To anyone. And gives Satan the opportunity to continually resurface. No thanks. I'm in search of freedom, not bondage. I may post a few of the excerpts that I feel may be beneficial to others & where specific details lack disclosing... Love is the rule... Love protects. ♥

Something that has been wafting in & out of my mind & that God keeps showing forth glimpses of is maturity. Maturity. And most of us as adults would think that since we are adults, we are mature. But I wonder...are we? The areas God has been showing glimpses of, He asks, "What does maturity look like in this situation? How would maturity show forth in that response?" It's made me do a lot of thinking & searching. Seeking & evaluating.

I have a small, diverse, humble circle of women on facebook who belong to a closed group that I created a year or so ago. It's a group that I comb for thoughts... Insight... Understanding... Most of them have never met, don't know one another or have no association with each other yet we are all sisters...in Christ. I am grateful for their sporadic fellowship & transparent hearts in this journey of life. So grateful. Last week's question was, "In doing some study this morning I am attempting to comprise a list of specific marks of maturity. I have a few things penned but wanted to ask for further thoughts on what you see/deem as attributes of spiritual & emotional maturity? Anyone willing to share?" One humble heart shared that she was having such an "immature week" that she wasn't sure she could identify with maturity. Haven't we all been there? Transparency at it's finest. :) One mentioned humility & another selflessness. A few others... An open mind, willing to look at both sides of anything. As well as turning the other cheek & taking more flack than we deserve. Another sweet sister who I have never personally met yet have deeply grown to love & respect (and someday hope to sit across the table from) first said the Fruit of the Spirit came to her mind & then added, "When the Bible uses the word 'perfect' it can mean mature, particularly in the NT. (Like when it says in Timothy that the man of God be perfect.) Job was called perfect in the same verse he was described as upright, feared God & eschewed evil." Ah...this resonated. And compelled me to dig...deep...into God's Word. Her response sharpened me into looking past surface maturity & searching to know how God sees & defines maturity. Do any of you know how I passionately wish & wish passionately that I could weekly sit with a group of women to dig & search & seek...together...over coffee or hot tea...with Bibles wide open...and hearts lain bare? In order to know more?

I had already scribbled several thoughts of revelation in my journal...

Content...
Peaceful...
Focused.

And as I worked around the house, the Lord would place more on my heart...

Certain...
Intentional...
Resolved.

And as I reflected on how I processed life, more filtered in...
And I was enlightened to my "lacking".

Unshaken...
Assertive...
Unselfish.

Bit-by-bit...my list grew...

Not emotionally driven...
Doesn't minimize others...
Solid.

The ability to distinguish correction from criticism...

Conviction from condemnation...

Sharpening from ridicule.

Consistent...
Quiet-at-heart...
Owns mistakes.

Lives in the Spirit rather than in the flesh...

Self-discipline...
Sees personal weakness as a means of growth...
Isn't prone to self-pity/self-martyrdom.

Loving and forgiving as a child would...

Thinking and responding as an adult.

Doesn't feel the need to defend oneself...
Faces adversity rather than runs from it...
Desires to grow/enlarge others.

Mature people are aware of the desires, feelings & purposes of those around them as a means to not intentionally offend yet they don't "own" those desires, feelings & purposes themselves.

Faces conflict with humility & courage...
Rejoices with others in their accomplishments...
Takes ownership of responsibility.

Mature people know who they are, how & what they believe. 

They take ownership of their individual feelings, desires, purposes & emotions & they not only fail to ask others to take ownership/responsibility for those things but they, as well, don't allow others to diminish, discourage, negate or devalue the person they are.

Isn't easily provoked or quickly angered...
Doesn't use manipulation to get their own way...
Not an excuse-maker.

Receives correction, conviction & sharpening with grace...

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

If I placed a big, red ouch beside each area that I know without any question that I fall short in, well, you would think vastly different of me.

If I graded myself on this list above & marked a bold, red check mark near the ones I am lacking in, my grade would be one of failure.

Considering the list thus far, how do you see yourself in light of maturity?

There is NO drama in the heart of a mature person.

Drama that says...

Look at me...

Feel sorry for me...

Take pity on me...

See how wonderful I am...

Please place your attention on me.

As my one sister-in-Christ shared, some days/weeks I do fairly well & others...well...epic fail. This compilation really stretched me & gave me much to think about & consider. Honestly, it's made me more aware of when I know I am not acting or responding in a mature manner & it reminds me...

It reminds me that I am 40-something & God expects me to act as such...

I mean really, when we act or respond in an immature manner, what does this do to our Christian witness & our integral character? These aren't elementary concepts however how often do we truly evaluate? For me, not near enough.

~maturity~ 

*The ability to respond to the environment in an appropriate manner.

Appropriate manner... Yep, if I compare that statement to the list above, it works.

*This response is generally learned rather than instinctive.

Interesting... Maturity is learned... Somewhere... At some point... From someone. Maturity doesn't just happen. Which means that since we are adults, people, of all ages, are watching us. Learning from us. This reality was enlightening & humbling. Someone watching could be modeling their level of maturity after me...

*Maturity also encompasses being aware of the correct time & place to behave and knowing when to act, according to the circumstances and the culture of the society one lives in.

This statement made me think of several things... It reminded me of MaKayla & Mal watching Barney as little tykes & learning that some voices are intended for inside use & some for outside. It makes me think of times when we tried to help kids understand that running outside or in a gymnasium is acceptable where inside a church or enclosed building is not. It stirs me to remember that certain conversations of sensitivity are acceptable with some people & some simply aren't. The list is endless...

Once I had this list tucked safely in my journal, I began studying Biblical/spiritual maturity... And I turned immediately to my concordance, commentary & Greek-Hebrew Bible. I first focused in on six specific Scriptures & after reading them individually, I expanded the study into reading the entire chapter where each verse originated in order to gain a better understanding. So that I made sure that what I was reading was in context.

"The goal of the Christian is expressed by the Greek word teleioteta, which is translated 'maturity'. The believer is to pursue maturity instead of going back to the initial rudiments of Christianity."

The questions that stir within me in correlation to that explanation are...
How many Christians have intentional, spiritual goals?
How many believers pursue spiritual maturity?

full-grown in mind and understanding
in knowledge of the truth
in Christian faith & virtue
irreproachable, blameless, fitted, complete, perfect, entire, whole
NOT to be confused with the Greek word anamartetos, meaning without sin or sinless.
the act of completing, finishing, a filling up

Do you notice all the things maturity is & the one thing it is not?

As I studied, the more God's Word became the solid, foundational platform that upholds that lengthy "surface list" outlined above.

1 Corinthians 2
Be mature in understanding & wisdom & then live by it. If the Spirit lives within me, I have understanding in regard to spiritual things. Do I accept that which the Spirit imparts? Do I apply it & live by it? Spiritual maturity does.

1 Corinthians 14
Mature individuals aren't self-edifying. They are always mindful of strengthening & encouraging the weak rather than "parading" their strengths. They don't seek what is best or most comfortable for themselves rather they consider the enlargement or furtherance of others. Is this how I live? Spiritual maturity does.

Ephesians 4
Maturity is keeping the bonds of peace & remaining unified with other Christians even when we may not agree. It is remaining consistent in what we know rather than being influenced by emotion or manipulation. For our goal is to sharpen one another & to encourage one another in the wake of eternity. To help those we share spiritual bloodlines with grow & be strong as we sojourn this side of Heaven. Are those my goals? What about you? Spiritual maturity does this.

Philippians 3
Maturity is leaving the past & the shame therein behind us. It is taking where we've been & where God has brought us & sharing it as a testimony of His goodness & faithfulness. It's using what we have learned to press on to find, gain & achieve that which Christ has in store for us. It is looking past differences with fellow believers in order to make much of Christ, all-the-while, seeking to gain understanding & clarity at the core of those differences. Do I do these things? Do I let shame go free when my sin is forgiven or do I stay connected to it? How about you? And is your greatest desire to make much of Christ even when other Christians don't agree with your position? And at the disagreement am I willing to continue searching until I know that I know that I know what God has shown me is Truth? And if I was seeing things wrong am I willing to acknowledge my ignorance in order to establish a stronger unity? Spiritual maturity does.

Colossians 1
Maturity is growing up in Christ. It's daily deepening our understanding & our knowledge of who He is & who He has created us, as His children, to be. It's moving past the milk & having a genuine hunger & desire for the meat. It's taking our eyes off of the temporal in order to strive for the eternal & having our focus being away from we, in the flesh & fixing our gaze on He, in the Spirit. Do you find yourself satisfied or are you always looking for something new to learn? Are you getting enough nourishment to just get by or are you consistently hungry for "the more"? Are you going deeper? Seeing further? Spiritual maturity never settles.

Hebrews 5
Maturity is knowing the basic principles of salvation & God's Word & moving beyond. It is the ability to move past the "stories", the familiar passages, the Scriptures that are flippantly used & having the ability to see the depth beyond the surface. It's building on the foundational truths. It's taking the wisdom/knowledge gleaned & applying it...putting it to use...working it out. Do I do this like I should? Or am I at times like the soil upon which the seed fell but didn't allow it to penetrate, take root & sprout in preparation for growth & the bearing of fruit? Spiritual maturity does.

Spiritual maturity is moving past the milk (basic teachings) & embracing the meat...

But we can't do that if we aren't in the Word.
Daily.

Babies don't stay babies...
Toddlers don't stay toddlers...
Adolescents don't remain adolescents.

Or at least they shouldn't...

And most would question if they did.

Yet sadly, the vast majority of Christians never advance beyond the stage in which they turned their lives over to Christ. Like all other transitions in life our walk with God is a gradual transformation by being stretched & challenged & nudged out of our comfort zone. It's moving past the elementary teachings & searching His Word to know more. To gain a better understanding. To gain wisdom on who He wants us to be. But how many are willing to put forth the effort? What number of Christians are comfortable right where they are? And have no desire to be anything or anyone different?

That list above...
Pushes me...
Stretches me...
Challenges me.

The ability to see past the surface of another person's heart to the truth & depth therein yet without the compulsion to judge, condemn or offend...

It reminds me that I've come a long way from where I was but reveals that I still have a long way to go.

As I've pondered this I see where the church itself is partially responsible yet we as individuals are responsible as well. Many pastors continue to teach the pablum (as my pops refers to it) & fail to place the meat in front of their congregations. They shy away from the complicated teachings or the areas that could cause unrest, discomfort or confusion. However isn't that where transformation most often takes place? Isn't that where you see the most growth in children? When they are encouraged to go from crawling to walking? When teething takes place? When they have to stop using their fingers to feed themselves & are challenged to use a fork & spoon? Transition is a part of everyday life...except in our walk with Christ. We don't want anyone to feel offended/convicted... So we just stick to the familiar... The easy to understand... The things that don't stir controversy. Yet if the meat is never placed in front of us, how will we ever move beyond the milk?

And we remain immature...
Stunted...
Unlearned.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

~1 Corinthians 13:11

Because if we aren't being challenged to transform, grow & expand our knowing in the public meeting of worship, we must take responsibility, through the grace & influence of the Holy Spirit, to engage a deeper learning for ourselves.

It's essential.
And something we will be held accountable for.

Whether it's getting up earlier, staying up later or removing something from our schedule that carves time out & frees up space for study & prayer.

When it comes down to it, maturity is a choice. 

Whether of the secular nature or of the spiritual nature...

It's a reality that requires desire & effort...
Sacrifice & intentionality.

I look at my life & it's tempting to be deeply ashamed...
For so many reasons...
In so many areas.

I haven't handled things correctly nor have I responded in a responsible manner. I recognize so much immaturity in regard to my role as a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I see where I have acted in so many unbecoming ways with fellow Christians & unbelievers alike. I am reminded of moments where I could have been a tool of instruction but instead I allowed the other person/people no opportunity for learning. I acknowledge situations where I have been more of a disgrace to God rather than an instrument for His glory.

Those moments when I felt like I had to "prove" myself...
Or defend.

Those instances where instead of listening & remaining still...
I felt compelled to contribute my "two cents".

Those situations in which I felt intimidated or insecure...
And I recoiled into self-pity.

Those times that I knew I should be considering the other person...
And I could only think of self.

Those circumstances where an element of drama was added...
But was so unnecessary & only added an emotional twist  in order to place attention on me.

My heart confesses...

I am humbled...
I am repentant.

And now that I have been enlightened I have no excuse & every time I refer to this list I am reminded. I may often feel as though I have a "right" to act, respond or display an attitude as I wish yet such thinking is shallow; for God is continuously placing me in opportunities & situations where I can make much of Him & be an example to others.

He is showing me that in my "lacking", He desires to redeem me. Where in those "wasted years" with MaKayla & Mal, he longs to guide me in helping them see maturity for what it truly is. That I can genuinely apologize to them for the poor example I have been yet vow to point them in the right direction through my words, my attitude, my actions & my responses. That they can detect a difference in me & begin to repattern some of their "learned tendencies". ♥ I never meant to damage...that was my last intention & I am most thankful that ignorance can be redeemed through the grace of God & the blood of Christ.

So thankful...

For grace that covers...

And blood that cleanses.

If you've made it through this lengthy post, I would be humbled & honored to hear your thoughts. ♥

Was maturity modeled for you in your formative years?
Do you feel like you have a good grasp on maturity?
Are there areas after reading this where you see adjustments could be implemented?

Thank you for doing this Christ-following journey with me. ♥

Brothers, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.

~1 Corinthians 14:20

We have much to say about this, but it is hard to explain because  you are slow to learn.

In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you

the elementary truths of God's word all over again.

You need milk not solid food!

Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant,

is not acquainted with the teachings about righteousness.

But solid food is for the mature, 

who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.

Therefore let us leave the elementary teachings about Christ and go on to maturity,

not laying again the foundation of repentance from the acts that lead to death,

and of faith in God, instructions about baptisms, the laying on of hands,

the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgement.

~Hebrews 5:14 - 6:1-2