He Desires That We Do...

To say that life has been utterly, nonsensical, crazy around here would be an understatement. Ever since the beautiful events of June 20th unfolded we have been in a constant state of going, doing, creating, planning & deciding. On June 20th, Dillon asked MaKayla if she would be his forever...

And without hesitation she said, "Yes!"

Many dates were tossed around & considered & after trying to work around various schedules & conflicts it was deemed that a date simply had to be set with the hope & prayer that those closest to both Dillon & MaKayla would be able to be present. Of course the reality of harvest was one of the make-it or break-it considerations... ;) September 6th was Sharpied on the calendar & morning-by-morning, day-by-day & night-by-night, we have been in a continual mode of preparing. We're getting there but still have a ways to go. (A post more specific will come later...when time allows.)

Marci & I are hostessing a shower for MaKayla (and Dillon) on Saturday here in our home & my "things that need done" list are long & wide & deep. Yesterday I began the task of cleaning & preparing... This morning as I began thinking about the things I would like to get accomplished in my day ahead, my thoughts turned to the living room/dining room windows that are adorned with dusty curtains & speckled glass. And as I thought of the window coverings that have been present since we moved here ten years ago this summer, I realized that they really no longer "match"... And then I remembered a conversation with MaKayla & Mal the other day  which confirmed that the furniture lacks in the "matching area" as well. Immediately the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart...

"Mendi, how often do you get so comfortable & familiar with something that you fail to see the need for change?

The reality of "unmatching" curtains & furniture...
The reality that they match each other yet they don't match the paint color or decor...
The reality that, though time moves on, things remain unchanged.

Life has been full of transitions & we haven't even touched the surface of the ones about to take shape yet our flesh is tempted to dig our toes in the soil & refuse to move with the transitions. Our hearts see things nearing & we are compelled to hold on a little tighter...a little longer. Our minds recognize the upcoming changes however we choose to not acknowledge them for what they are.

It's easier to not go there...

As I process the physical implication as well as the spiritual application in regard to this moment of instruction from the One who feeds & cleanses my soul, I am challenged & it compels me to examine other areas of my life that need "switched up" & "spruced up". It urges me to evaluate places in my heart that have become stagnant, faded & adorned with cobwebs. It drives me to look around & recognize clutter that needs removed & refreshment that needs to be executed.

Remaining the same...
Resisting change...
Refusing to glide with the ebb & flow of life...

Creates a hardness...
Feeds control...
Inhibits God from providing color to our beings...

Boring.
Lonely.
Isolated.
Dull.
Suffocating.

Although God never changes, He desires that we do...

In conformity to His plan.

No, I'm not changing furniture or window coverings...yet.
We have a shower to prepare for & a wedding to plan! ♥

Does The Latter Diminish The Former...

It's a Thursday...
Another day where the weather can't seem to make up it's mind what it wants to do.
Cloudy one minute...
A peek of the sun the next.
It's NOT raining...so I will take the cloudy, warm, small-peeks-of-the-sun-kind-of-day. :)

Life continues to tick on here in our corner of the country, and I'm learning that every day has something new to offer. Every day contains something that God wants me to learn. :) I love, love, love to learn & to grow & to be stretched but sometimes I wonder if I will ever just have one day that I get it right... That I don't feel/see the need to change... Or a day that I feel I attained that which Christ has asked of me... I wonder.

As I have thought & pondered a vast array of things the past several days, it amazes me how new seasons of life inhibit conception of "new life" from a spiritual/emotional sense. Yes, new seasons breed change, adjustment & transition of the physical sense yet can one make those physical changes without spiritual, mental, & emotional change at the helm? I wonder if some people can & some people can't... I wonder.

I'm an analyzer at heart... I think & I think deep. Therefore, when seasons in my life change, my heart, mind, soul, being, must stretch, grow, adjust & transition as well. And due to how I am wired, that stretching, growing, adjusting & transitioning kicks my analytical mind into overdrive... I need to process & resolve. I desire to grasp & to receive. I hunger for knowing & understanding. I want those changes & transitions to be fruitful & life-giving... Not just for me, but for those that are walking that road with me.

And because of that...I am constantly considering...

Their thoughts...

Their feelings...

Their struggles...

Their victories...

Their well-being...

I want them to thrive.

MaKayla has now been in a courtship with Dillon for three-plus months. I can't even begin to articulate what a beautiful example, straight from God's hand, this reality of provision has been. I fail to be able to put into words what a blessing the process & the progression of their relationship has afforded. Richness. Yet amidst the beauty & the blessing their have been struggles & pain... Effort & difficulty.

Does the latter diminish the former?
Absolutely not.

It's a changing of gears & my gears are currently g-r-i-n-d-i-n-g...

What I can say is that it has generated a deep & wide expanse of refining & purifying for me. A straining of the soul, per se. I feel like my heart & my mind & my soul are being ran through a sieve every.single.day. A skimming of the dross. And what does refining & purifying & straining & sieving & skimming have in common?

What are their purpose? 

They remove the filth & the pollution...
They detect the sediment & the rottenness...
They reveal stench & contamination...

And I can honestly say that the process is inexplicably uncomfortable.

Not because I don't want the grossness gone, but because I don't just want those things instantly removed, I want to learn & grow & change in the process so that I step away unblemished in those areas that were once corrupt. I want to glean so that I can replant those organic seeds that I harvest in the heart of another "field". If I am simply instantly changed, what do I take away that can be reinvested in the seeking life that is walking behind? If I emerge with a miracle, yes, I have a testimony, but do I have wisdom & understanding & encouragement to pass on to another soul that is searching?

I know most reading this aren't surprised by the struggle I find myself in, for the vast majority have been waiting for the fall & the fail... The awakening... The jolt to reality... The inoculation of "the real world"...

For the duration of our child-rearing years others have seen us a overtly protective & sheltering to the point of hindering. They've seen us as having full-control & neglecting the allowance of MaKayla & Mal to have a voice. They've been waiting for the day... The day that one of them would either rebel or take a step of independence... The day that our perfect little kingdom would crumble. 

Our kingdom isn't crumbling... 

It is growing & expanding & changing colors... 

It is being enlarged...

It is birthing new life...

And we are excited.

Yes, most parents/children experience these steps... Independence takes shape... Separation is a reality... Compromise is learned... Much sooner & earlier in life. But for us, this life that God has chosen for us & called us to walk, is diverse. Our continual togetherness... Our team of four... Our consistent schedule... Our default coping mechanisms... Our customary way of looking at things... Is transforming. And with that transformation comes a remolding & remaking... A stripping away of the old, familiar; a regrafting of the healthy & new & then the process of healing. A ridding of generational curses that, over the years, have become comfortable yet in this new season, are apparent need to go.

Isn't that the way it is in any transition in life?

And for me, it's not so much of the physical but of the mental/emotional... It's where my analytical, seeking, wondering, processing, searching soul kicks into overdrive. A desiring to know & understand... In regard to the here & now... And in regard to the days ahead. God has always encouraged me as a mom to see that MaKayla & Mal are ours to lead & guide & protect, until... They are ours to look out after until the day arrives that He provides a young man to take over that role... That role of priest & prophet & protector & provider... That role of making sure her needs are met... Needs of the physical kind yet most especially, needs of the mental, spiritual & emotional sort... And being willing to put her needs before his. One who will cradle her heart & embrace her body... One who will discern her best interest (even if she may not see it as such) & stay true to overseeing the manifestation of that. One who will wash her in the Word of God...daily. Praying with her... Challenging her... Encouraging her to grow in Him. One who will encourage & affirm yet hold her heart of flesh accountable at the same time. One who desires to see the genuineness of her soul & is always willing to make sacrifices accordingly. One who will love her gently & passionately & intimately...with full abandon. One who will see life through God's eyes & their eyes as a union rather than just through his eyes. One who will have fun with her & embark on spontaneous adventure...creating memories & deepening their love & enjoyment of one another. One in whom we are confident we can pass the baton on to & are certain he will take hold, grasp it tightly & will run a steady, committed race until the finish line. One who will carry on where we are leaving off & letting go of...

So much to consider when preparing to release your most valuable asset into the hands of another "investor". And although some would say we are once again being overprotective or unrealistic, God's Word says that we are not to throw our pearls before swine... MaKayla & Mal are pearls of great price. ♥

So much to consider...

Analytical + Transparent = Potential Disaster

And then keeping in check that it's not just about us anymore... There are others to consider.

Putting ourselves in their shoes...
Considering their wants/desires before our own...
Weighing their feelings on the scales...
Contemplating how our actions/decisions will affect theirs...
Realizing that they have a son that will soon be choosing a life of independence as well.

It's a continual process...
And it's hard.

I'm not borrowing trouble from tomorrow, I'm preparing...

And as I seek & search & wonder & analyze & process, I don't just work those exercises of the soul for my strengthening, but for the hearts of the other three that dwell here with me. It's my role as the nurturer & keeper & spirit-setter of our home to look out for those of whom God has entrusted into my care. 

I watch... 

I listen... 

I discern... 

I recognize... 

In order to know...

In order to encourage...

In order to nurture...

In order to understand.

I ask questions...

I dig-deep...

I search...

I seek...

I pray...

I listen...

In order to learn...

In order to gain wisdom...

In order to be enlightened...

In order to understand.

It's who I am.

And I see the fruitful benefit of being proactive rather than reactive... Recognizing the sprouting of a weed before it takes root... Discerning the onslaught of potential destruction prior to it's manifestation... Preparing a field for an abundant harvest rather than turning a blind eye or a deaf ear where thorns & thistles spring up & take over.

And in recognizing & discerning & preparing, I am enlightened to things of myself...

The filth & the pollution...

The sediment & the rottenness... 

The stench & contamination...

The weeds that have taken root...

The manifestation of destruction...

The field with thorns & thistles.

And I am humbled.

The prudent see danger and take refuge,

but the simple keep going and suffer for it.

~Proverbs 27:12

(Sometimes, just for once, I wish I could be "simple"...of mind...)

Reality is...it's not who I am...

It's amazing how much perception changes when one is looking at life through the eyes of their child, rather than through the eyes of their individual, selfish self...

And as I seek & search... 

As I dig-deep & pray... 

As I listen & learn... 

As I am enlightened & gain wisdom... 

I am thankful.

For those who are patient & compassionate...

For those who listen & quietly hear my heart...

Maybe saying something, maybe not.

For those who recognize my weaknesses...

Yet they don't just acknowledge & agree...

They exhort & encourage my wanting-to-know heart.

For those who rebuke...

And then follow that rebuke with positive affirmation.
Cheering me on...
Assuring me that, with God's help, I will get there & I will be victorious.

For those who understand (even though they don't fully understand this crazy heart of mine)...

And assure me that I will get through this...

Stronger...

Wiser...

More Christ-like.

For those "safe people"...

And for as few as they are, I'm thankful for them.

I don't want to just get through this, I want to mature in the process.

And I am thankful for Christ who is ever patient & loving...
Who intercedes on my behalf as I wrestle with the one, true, Sovereign God.

I'm thankful for the Holy Spirit who guides & counsels...
Who comforts & instructs me each & every step of the way.

I'm thankful for a heavenly Father who knows each & every crevice of my heart...
And will not change His mind or bow to my will for He knows what is best & right & perfect.

My girl is in love & it is an exhilarating sight for the entirety of my being to behold. ♥

And on the "other side" of the pain & discomfort of being washed in the Fuller's Soap, the dross & the sediment & the filth & the stench will be removed & I will be a more radiant, fragrant vessel for His use... Until a new season of life begins. ♥

But who can endure the day of His coming?

Who can stand when He appears?

For He will be like a Refiner's Fire or a Launderer's soap.

He will sit as a Refiner and Purifier of silver;

He will purify...

And refine them like gold & silver.

~Malachi 3:2-3

Yesterday Was One Of Those Days...

It's a Monday...
The day following Mother's Day...
And I'm glad it's behind me.

For the past three weeks I have had my Bible open to the same spot & my ginormous Matthew Henry Commentary flopped in front of me to an unchanged page. Lots of black underlining, scribbled notes & colorful highlighting... After my last candid post I have been seeking & searching...digging & studying in a quest to find the missing pieces that my heart lacks in order to make it function at full capacity. I am full aware that it is out of rhythm... And when it is out of rhythm & not functioning properly, every area of my life is affected...most especially in the area of relationships. It's a stronghold... And a lot of battling with familiar spirits. I'm learning a lot & being enlightened to things I have been oblivious to for the full part of my forty-two-plus years yet like most things, relearning & retraining the brain/mind/soul takes intentional work. Much like "fixing" damaged areas of the heart...they're not necessarily fixable, rather repairable. And just about the time I think I "get it", I lose hold of that which I thought I had a grasp on.

Yesterday was one of those days...

Next to being a Christ-follower & a wife, my greatest passion in life is being a mom... Simply put, it's my career & I take it very seriously. I find great satisfaction & fulfillment in training, teaching, mentoring & nurturing MaKayla & Mal & with the exception of two things, I LOVE being a mom. Those two things would be puking kids & Mother's Day... I detest them both & avoid them like the plague...no lie. The puking kids aspect would seem obvious to most but the reality of vehemently disliking Mother's Day would likely be a mystery to a vast majority.

While Kyle was tilling the garden/weed eating the yard & Mal was mowing, MaKayla & I made a quick trip to our local (twenty-five minutes away) greenhouse Saturday morning (our second trip so far this season). As we drove along she asked me if I knew when & why I began struggling with a day that is set aside to honor me as a mom.

I thought... 

We talked... 

Things came out... 

Some of it I understand...
Some of it I don't.

Bottom line, it's just grossness to me.

She & I ran a few errands, picked up our greenhouse goods & headed for home.

It's not that I'm not grateful for the kind gestures...
Or my mom who has been a solid mainstay of love, friendship, training, caring & nurturing in my life...
Or the other "older" women who have come alongside me in raising MaKayla & Mal.

It's not that I'm not thankful for MaKayla & Mal...
Or that I don't have compassion for the women whose arms are empty...
I just don't like it.

We tossed around our plans for Mother's Day Sunday, I was unsettled & I knew the unsettling was burdensome to MaKayla. The subject was tabled. We arrived home & MaKayla started in on the garden knowing Dillon wanted to come get her mid-afternoon for the remainder of the day/evening. As usual, it took much longer than anticipated yet she was insistent that it get done due to the impending rain followed by sunshine this week that the forecast predicted. She missed out on visiting his grandparents & a local community supper that they had in their plans... :( Kyle & I tried to urge her to go on ahead & we would finish up but she was hearing none of it... She wants full responsibility of the garden & having someone else do "her work" was not an option...period. After the seeds were buried under fresh soil & the plants were securely in place... After she showered & was freshly clothed, her man came in his "chariot" to retrieve her for the evening. It had been a long day of not seeing one another...and a Saturday none-the-less.

My mind was a scattered...
My heart was heavy...
My attitude was less than desirable.

Kyle & Mal silently joined me at the dining room table for a good-long while as I sat with my head buried in my hands; watching as tears streamed endlessly down my cheeks creating a nice little pond in front of me... :) Snot running from my nose & I didn't care. Mal quietly gathered me some Kleenexes while Kyle graciously wiped my nose & cleared the debris. ♥

The possibility likelihood that this could be MaKayla's last Mother's Day at home...
The reality of a best friend being less a child this Mother's Day...
The yuck that this "holiday" predisposes for me already.

The unknowing of plans...
The difficulty in learning to share...
(I know...it's an elementary principal that a forty-something woman shouldn't battle...I typically don't...& honestly, I can't think of anyone else but Dillon's mom that I would prefer to share it with...it's just something new...foreign...uncharted territory.)
The sobering acknowledgement of being a disappointment...
And failing to meet expectations.

Have I mentioned that I don't have a fond attraction to Mother's Day...

The three of us decided at 10:30 to make a quick run to the store for a few necessities & as we traveled, I prayed... And as I prayed a word fell off of my heart that the Lord said, "Mendi, you said it yourself. Recognize what you inwardly spoke & remember from the abundance of the heart doeth the mouth speak..." Ouch. Although my mouth had not spoken it, my heart had & that was all the evidence that was needed.

Stubborn...

I could choose to be stubborn, or I could choose to foster a heart of peace & unity. I genuinely wanted to choose the latter rather than the former yet wanting to do it & choosing to do it are two vastly different things. I wanted to be intentional & I was determined to do as such. I would do the typical Sunday routine...that was final.

MaKayla arrived home... We chatted. I still discerned her heaviness.
Good-nights were spoken... We went our separate ways. Our hearts were torn.
Tears fell on her pillow. Tears fell on mine.

Mother's Day Sunday dawned & I emerged from bed earlier than everyone else. I knew I needed to do some journaling & have some moments of solitude with the Lord in order to prepare myself for the day ahead so I retreated to the basement. I wanted it to be a good day. A fruitful day. MaKayla was up shortly thereafter with Kyle following closely behind. We talked & I shared my intentions for the day yet I could tell that her heart was still heavy & hurting.

The possibility likelihood that this would be her last Mother's Day at home...with me...
The reality of a best friend/second mom being less a brother/son this Mother's Day...
The yuck that this "holiday" predisposes for her mom already.

The unknowing of plans (she's a girl that needs a plan)...
The difficulty in learning to share... 
(I know...it's an elementary principal that a twenty-something woman shouldn't battle...but this is all new territory for her...a major learning curve.)
The sobering acknowledgement that this might be the first of a last.

The fact that she had missed Miss Oakley's first birthday party...
Chris & Bri's impending announcement...
And being so far away from one she loves so much.

My girl was hurting. ♥

I gathered my belongings with coffee cup in tow & headed upstairs to begin the "make yourself presentable" portion of the day. :) All was well in our tiny little bathroom as both she & I worked at our "process", in our own speed, while Kyle made biscuits & Mal continued to snag a few more moments of sleep. Comment was made here. A drip of a tear. Response was made there. A drop of a tear. The drips became more frequent & the drops became more steady.

Make-up applicated...
Hair dried...
Lotion on.

Clothes chosen...
Hair straightened...
Perfume applied.

What started as brokenness...
And sadness...
Turned to something else.

A torrential flood came pouring down...

Dillon pulled in to get MaKayla for Sunday School/Church & she wisely met him on the front deck. Instantly he could tell... She tried pulling it together as I watched from a distance & responded to a text from my Bethy... I advised that I wasn't sure she was in any shape to frequent a Sunday school class however she gathered her biscuit & Bible & away she & her love went. ♥ It wasn't long & she text saying Dillon was bringing her back... She had regained her composure along the fifteen minute journey & then her phone signaled a text from her second momma...the one less a son this Mother's Day. ♥ She couldn't do it.

It was a text she so desperately needed yet it solidified her fragile state... ♥
Because that is what she was.

I felt terrible subjecting Dillon to such emotional trauma...

Yet in this family, we're real...and transparent...seen.

For where we are...

Church clothes were removed & while I retreated to the basement, she retreated to her & Mal's bedroom. Kyle retrieved us both where he sat us down & said, "We're going to talk this through & figure this out... We can't keep doing this."

We talked...
We shared...
We discussed.

It's a season...
It's all a season.

And like all other seasons, this one, too shall pass.

It's about staying hydrated in the drought...
And weathering the storms.

It's about growing...
Even when the conditions seem less than desirable.

It's about realizing that this isn't it...
And that it isn't always going to be this way.

It's about understanding that "next steps" in life require stretching muscles of the heart/emotions...
And in the stretching...
There is a degree of discomfort & pain.

It's about resting in peace knowing that all transitions in life are hard...
And that true resolve comes in processing the difficult of those transitions.

It's about reaching for hope despite the struggle...
And that it's the struggles in life that God uses to shape us, refine us & prepare us...
For what's ahead.

She came around the table, sat down on my lap, nestled into my neck & cried...
As did I. ♥

Relocating to her seat across the table from me, I reassured her...
"Babe...it's a Sunday... Just like any other Sunday. There was one a week before & there will be another a week after. I don't see it as you see it... Mother's Day is simply another day... Another Sunday. It's gonna be okay... It's all gonna be okay & we're going to get through this... Together."

I won't lie. I succeeded in winning the "Epic-Fail-As-A-Parent Award" for the day. I wanted to turn in my badge... Renounce my position... Resign from all manner of momhood. Unworthy... Undeserving... Unqualified. MaKayla & Mal are so valuable & deserve so much more...than me. No lie.

Sometimes you just need someone to reassure you that it's gonna be okay...

Kyle was in the process of doing a project for Mal while she & MaKayla cuddled into bed drifting off to sleep when Tom text saying they were coming for a visit. "We can't do it. We just can't do it. Look at us... We're a hot mess & inviting someone else, even someone who knows us inside & out into the pit simply isn't fair..." Those were the sentiments of my heart. Kyle knew it would be a good thing for them to come... Me, not so much.

My attitude was less than desirable...

I reclothed myself & took a roadtrip to the store for fruit & veggies for snacking & as I pulled peeled out of the driveway in an attempt to release a degree of the frustration I had toward myself, I cried out to God. "What in the world am I doing? And how did I arrive here again so quickly? I am confused... I am so very confused. Please, God. Please help me."

In His very still, gentle, small voice He said, "Mendi, do you remember what I taught you last week about disturbances? The creating of them and the responding to them..." Dagger to my heart.

Yep, I did it again.
Epic fail.
Why did I not remember...

I processed the reality of the words spoken to my heart & I was deeply convicted. "Why can't I get this? What is my issue?" I liken it to the Parable of the Sower & the seed that falls among the thorns... I hear it & understand it & receive it but then I lose sight of it...and forget. Especially in situations that test & try me... Situations where I need to remember it most.

I arrived home, unloaded groceries, located the Bible study book that MaKayla, Mal & I are working through together (on gentleness & quietness of spirit none-the-less...epic fail...) & found the page on disturbances in order to "jog my memory" & refresh my heart. And then I started cutting veggies. Kyle said he had text Tom warning him that it hadn't been a good day for us & it may be safest & in their best interest to wait for a get together. And before I knew it, I caught a glimpse of these... ♥

It was what I needed... ♥
It was what we needed. ♥

The hurting restoring the broken...

The broken nurturing the hurting...

Genuine friendship.

We cried...
And laughed.

We talked...
And remembered.

We shared...
And embraced.

We did real life.

Looking past the struggle of their own...
To meet the needs of us. ♥

And despite the winning of the non-prestigious parenting award for the day...
I'm thankful for grace.

The Bible is re-opened to specific portions in Ephesians...
And Philippians.
The commentary is laying marked up, bare-faced before the windows of my heart.

With the help of a Saviour, I will get there & I will not quit until I do.

The seed that fell among the thorns stands for those who hear,

but as they go on their way they are choked by life's worries, riches, pleasures

and they do not mature.

But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart,

who hear the word, retain it, 

and by persevering produce a crop.

~Luke 8:14-15

*Disclaimer: No, I am not dragging my feet in regard to MaKayla's love & devotion to Dillon. I love that kid like I love my own & never would I do such a thing. ♥ Yes, I love Dillon's mom & dad...they are wonderful people & some of our closest friends. ♥ And no, MaKayla has not an ounce of hesitation/reservation in moving forward in the relationship with the one her heart loves more than anything/anyone & the one she longs to do life & grow old with. ♥ It's simply a season in this journey of courtship...♥ and we will get to the other side stronger, wiser & thankful for having walked the extra mile.

Humbling...

I won't lie... I'm in a deep state of humility & "neediness" so be aware before reading any further...it could get a bit uncomfortable.

It's amazing how new seasons of life can be filled with an immeasurable amount of joy & happiness & excitement yet at the same time be littered with pain & heartache. I liken it to an awakening flower bed or an inhabited field in the spring... As the days grow longer, the weather warms & adequate moisture falls, life springs up... Grass greens. Plants emerge. Livestock births. Trees leaf. Weeds grow. And although it seems as a simple, easy happening, one knows that it all comes with a process. A struggle to break through the ground... An effort to labor life into existence.

Spiritual/emotional awakening/growth requires much the same process yet more times than not we fail to see it as such. We have this idealistic mentality that change should be easy & transition should just be natural... Or worse yet, we resist change & we oppose transition... We want the rich blessings & provision that God desires to extend yet we want things to remain as they always have. We want the goodness but not the process. We want the beauty that change brings without having to be surrendered to the refining. 

And as Christ-followers, we should always desire change...growth...awakening...

It's how we become more like Jesus, himself.

Life has been full of changes & transitions... It's been littered with adjustments. The beauty within the beautiful has been breathtaking & magnificent yet it has also been laden with growing pains & frustration. It is amazing one minute & difficult the next. Exhilarating & then empty. Joyous with sadness on it's heels. Wonderful followed by disappointing. Isn't this the essence of what we entitle living? And isn't it only right & fair that we take the bad with the good...

He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman.

Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"

In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.

~Job 2:10

But with what attitude do we take the bad?
Or is it even accurate to label it bad?
Is it actually bad or is God allowing the difficult & the frustration & the emptiness & the sadness & the disappointing to grow us & change us...

To be more like Him?

Typically we just revel in the negative rather than redirecting our focus...
Or at least I do.

Instead of taking those things that many times accompany change & allowing them to redirect our focus on the One who allowed them... The One who can soften them... The One who can help us to see the beauty in them...

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider:

God has made the one as well as the other.

Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.

~Ecclesiastes 7:14

We get stuck in the yuck...
And we never emerge or grow or breathe new life...
We withstand our "color" from brightening or radiating...
We stifle.

Guess who wins?
Satan... The enemy... Our adversary...
For we have silenced & squelched the work of God in our lives.

Yesterday I found myself in a pit of sludge...
Sinking sand...
A mud slide that was encapturing & all-consuming.

My morning was going fine & then one thing after another found the boxes of frustration/offense that I have nestled deep within my heart being ticked. And as the boxes were being ticked, my countenance changed. My attitude grew stagnant. My demeanor was unbecoming. Were the things I sensed discernment regarding, accurate? Most likely since they have since been confirmed many times over...but so what? Just because of what the Holy Spirit was speaking to me & allowing me to see, why did I allow that to turn me from gentle to rigid... Open to shut-off... Communicative to quiet... Embracing to distant... Why?

It was a rough afternoon & the more I thought, the deeper I went. The more I processed, the more drained I was. The more I analyzed, the more I felt justified.

Sadly, as humbling as it is to admit, this pattern has become a lifestyle...
A habit...
A familiar happening.

And then God...

In the beauty & gentleness of His love He spoke ever so softly to my heart. He convicted me & reminded me to take responsible ownership of what was mine to possess. He compelled me to subtract everything & everyone from the seemed complicated equations of the morning & simply look at my heart & my soul.

Humbling.

We were on bully-duty & as soon as we arrived home from our last trip I grabbed my Bible & headed for a hot bath. I read & prayed. I sought & cried. I recounted & acknowledged. And then while Mal bathed, Kyle & I grabbed a cup of coffee & sat at the table with our Bibles open, our journals before us, our pens in hand & our hearts raw & bare. We documented thoughts/feelings & talked through the content of our inner most beings. We challenged & we sharpened. We committed to bind together as a team in pursuit of healing & victory. ♥

The seeking & recounting & praying revealed a multitude of wickedness in my heart that keeps me reeling & groping in this journey of life. It keeps me from finding freedom & genuine, complete healing. It keeps me repeating the same patterns over & over & over, again. It keeps me in a constant state of damage...to myself & others.

I don't love well...
I have an intense quest for control...
I am an all or nothing person...
My heart is littered with insecurities...
I am transparent to the extreme...
I am conditional...
I often feel "threatened"...
I am emotionally driven...
I am easily frustrated/offended...
I don't handle competition in a healthy manner...

It's like a soul-eating, heart-hardening cancer.

I'm a mess...

And for the first time ever...I'm done.

I'm done repeating & damaging & groping & reeling...

I want freedom.
I desire healing.
I long to be regenerated.

Does the process of change seem big? Um, yeah.
Does the uncertainty of transformation seem overwhelming? For sure.
Does the pain of growth seem painful? A bit.
It's more than my heart/soul/spirit can grasp yet God sees the process that needs to take place in order to get me where He wants me. It's a spiritual surgery of sort... It's a heart transplant of it's own kind... It's an emotional overhaul to the most extreme degree...

And it's necessary...
In order to establish stability.

The opening of the wound has taken place & I know what certain aspects of the cutting away, the suturing closed & healing process "look like", much like literal surgery itself, yet much of it is unknown for I am treading on uncharted waters. I've always just harbored the resentment & fed the bitterness & fostered the frustration & entertained the offense & nursed the insecurity & pushed the control & given way to the emotions & manipulated the competition. I've never acknowledged the problem as my own & allowed God to remove the "diseased" places.

Yet for such a time as this...

It's a spiritual surgery of sort... 

It's a heart transplant of it's own kind... 

It's an emotional overhaul to the most extreme degree...

I am weak...He is my strength.
I am empty...He is my nourishment.
I am destitute...He is my keeper.
I am lost...He is my direction.
I am seeking...He is my guide.

Humbling.

I am fully surrendered to the One who can make the wrong things right...
And the old man new.

I am thankful for grace & I covet your prayers.

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; 

and you who have no money, come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.

Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy?

Listen, listen to Me, and eat what is good, 

and your soul will find delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to Me; hear Me, that your soul may live. 

I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David.

See, I have made him a witness to the peoples, a leader and commander of the peoples.

Surely you will summon nations you know not, 

and nations that do not know you will hasten to you,

because of the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, 

for He has endowed you with splendor."

Seek the LORD while He may be found; 

call on Him while He is near.

Let the wicked forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts.

Let him turn to the LORD, and He will have mercy on him, and to our God, 

for He will freely pardon.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," 

declares the LORD.

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways,

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, 

and do not return to it without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish, 

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty, 

but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the fields will clap their hands.

Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, 

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the LORD's renown, for an everlasting sign, which will not be destroyed."

For He's A Carrier...

The past week has been full of regaining normalcy & transitioning back into "typical life"...

Ten weeks ago Sunday evening Kyle began not feeling "well". Not terrible, just not well. The gut cramping he was experiencing wasn't anything completely unusual as it occurred on occasion (due to suspected blockages) so we dismissed the discomfort he was noticing. He was up & down throughout the night dealing with the annoyance & by early morning I encouraged him to call in to work saying he would be late due to lack of sleep. He made his way to the basement to contact his General Foreman & after a few minutes as concerned as I was, I went down to check on him. As I rounded the corner at the top of the stairs, I saw his crumpled body on the floor... Drenched to the point that I had no idea where he had found water or how he had gotten so wet. I chastised him for not hollering for me when I realized that his pain was so severe that he couldn't move or talk, only to signal that he was about to get sick. Mind you, in the 26 years we have been together, I think I have only known Kyle to throw up maybe, MAYBE five times at the most so I knew the situation was crucial. Literally, I wasn't convinced that he wasn't going to die right there before my eyes... MaKayla was up, heard the commotion & came running to help her dad as I called Troy seeking advice of where would be the best place to take him, knowing time was of the essence if indeed it was a blockage.

(I know it sounds crazy to some but I've always contemplated where I would take Kyle should he need medical attention in correlation to his ileal pouch. I'm not borrowing trouble yet reality is reality & in the case he would need emergent care, I wanted to have an idea...)

His situation is different than most & in no way will I just let anyone "mess around" with such "expertise artwork" that Dr. Page created seven years ago this last Friday. No way.

Troy gave me his advice... 

I called... 

I prayed... 

I watched... 

I prayed... 

I waited... 

I prayed.

MaKayla & I got him up off of the floor & maneuvered him back upstairs to the couch where he assured me he was some better. I wasn't convinced.

I talked to this doctor & then to another. 

I waited. 

I prayed.

Again, Kyle said he was better & was certain that he had passed whatever it was that was causing the issue.

I wasn't convinced.

His GI doctor finally called & said to bring him to St. Joe for x-rays & bloodwork, so we loaded up & made the trek stopping several times along the way due to how sick he was. We arrived... 

Bloodwork...check.

X-Rays...snag.

The radiology tech that was working with him took a few films & then asked him to come to the "viewing room"... "Mr. O'Riley, have you swallowed something within the past few days..." 

"Um, no..."

"Tell me everything you have eaten..."

"Do you see this..."

"We need more films...and then I want you to go straight to the doctor's office."

Once I knew there was something "present", I looked at Kyle & said, "We're obviously going to be looking at surgery...and we need to have a plan as to where we feel most assured/confident given your body..."

We talked & discussed in the ten minute drive to Dr. McCormick's office...

He came in, chuckled a bit, sat down in his rolly chair... "How long ago did you have the endoscopic capsule study... Yes, it needs removed... Minor surgery... A general surgeon can do that here... Four week recovery..."

Nope. 

Not comfortable.
We would head elsewhere.

Dr. McCormick said that his nurse would be in touch with Dr. Page to get something set up but it would probably be a good idea for us to get in touch with him as well. As soon as we were out to the car, I called Dr. Page's office & within a short amount of time his nurse returned my call. I explained the situation... She asked questions... And then said that Dr. Page wanted to visit with me himself.

We chatted.

He agreed that he didn't want anyone else touching Kyle.

Surgery was scheduled.

Pack your bags...

Only clear liquids...

He would meet us at the hospital mid-morning the next day.

He had talked to no other doctors...

He had seen no films...

He had no evidence that what I was saying was true.

Yet he trusted me...

Favor. 

God's divine favor.

Lots to process on that hour and a half drive home yet I purposed to trust.

I purposed to swallow my own fears & emotions & uncertainty in order to be strength to Kyle & MaKayla & Mal.

I purposed to allow Christ to be strength & sufficiency in my personal weakness.

I purposed.

We arrived home...

Shared the situation at hand with the girls...

Attempted to keep the evening as normal & chill as possible.

As Tuesday arrived, I began gathering clothes for me, pj's and comfy things for Kyle.

I lined out the girls.

Prepared as best I could.

Surely clothes for five days would be more than enough.

I wasn't taking any more than that.

We would be home by then.

MaKayla rode with me to fill the truck with fuel before we headed out and she said, "How are you?" I gently explained that at this point & in situations as such, it simply didn't matter how I was, nor was it going to do anyone any amount of good for me to think on how I was feeling..." 

Survival mode, I was in survival mode. 

Onward. 

Upward. 

One foot in front of the other...

Trusting God every step of the way.

Needless to say that just a few days before, Mal was getting her driver's permit & we snagged a quick lunch with Kyle in the parking lot of his place of employment...

Life ebbs...

And flows...

And changes instantly.

Kyle & I made the trek, got checked in, found our room & waited... 

Gown on...

IV in place.

Resident doctor visited with us...

Skin check completed...

Declared NPO.

X-Rays ordered...

X-Rays completed...

Yep, the culprit was still there.

Dr. Page made a visit & said everything was set for the next morning & that it would be a quick & easy recovery of the "gem" that had been flitting & floating & getting anchored for the past FOUR years... Yes, I said four. But instead of the 2-3 day hospital stay we had anticipated...plan on 5-8... I disregarded that last piece of information convincing myself & trusting God that Kyle would amaze the doctors & bounce back in miracle-size fashion. I was certain we would be home by Super Bowl Sunday...an event we were so looking forward to with MaKayla & Mal. Little did I know...

Little did I know...

Wednesday dawned & they came for Kyle ahead of schedule.

Miraculous.

I walked beside as they wheeled him to surgery & then together, we waited...

And prayed...

And cried.

Nurse checks...done.

Anesthesiologist visit...finished.

Lovely blue hat...in place.

The "see you later"... ♥

My heart wrenched...

I found myself to the surgery waiting room with the assurance from Dr. Page that this one that I love more than life would be in & out in less than thirty minutes & with strict instructions...I located the Starbucks tucked in the rear. Those who knew of the situation & know me well, knew that once food for Kyle was restricted, I would restrict myself as well. I was instructed to get something...

The waiting area of Methodist is so cozy with couches & chairs & a fireplace right in the middle. I searched until I spotted a little corner of quietness where I could hide away with my Latte' & muffin. A place where I could still my heart & pray & wait. I had been given a pager that was to go off as soon as Kyle was done which would signal me to go to the nearest consultation room. There, I would meet with Dr. Page...

Thirty minutes...eager.

Forty-five...a bit concerned.

An hour...knots in my stomach.

I made my way to the consult room where Dr. Page shared with me that the procedure was much more extensive than he had originally anticipated. The lingering capsule was located & removed but Kyle's small bowel had been overtaken with adhesions & a stricture was located at the surgical site of his 2008 colectomy thus the reason the capsule had never passed. The place of his original colostomy was nearly the circumference of a half dollar but had narrowed to nearly the diameter of a pencil eraser... This was discovered by the surgical staff literally feeling their way down the length of the entire small bowel...cutting adhesions as they went & reopening the restricted area. An NG tube was typically protocol in such situations but Kyle had already had words with Dr. Page regarding the reality that the catheter was to BE GONE before he woke up... He said, "It was a toss up. I knew he was going to kill me for leaving the foley in & I knew if he woke up with it and an NG, it wasn't going to be pretty. I left the catheter in & am taking a chance with leaving the NG out. If he has any nausea, in it goes." The tears began to well up... And as a result of all the unexpected "extras", the hospital stay would be the longer part of what he had told me in the beginning...no less than five days & more than likely the full eight. Ugh... 

My heart sank.

To my gut.

I was sick.

I found my way back to the waiting area where people's whispers seemed as clanging symbols so I wandered around & finally nestled into a little area where an older lady sat alone knitting & reading. I needed quiet. And a comforting presence. 

I couldn't pray... 

I couldn't concentrate... 

I could only cry.

This sweet spirit glanced at me & then back to what she was doing & back at me again. I knew she wanted to speak but chose to remain quiet. I dug out my journal & a pen & my Bible. I poured out my heart, my fears, my uncertainty to God while the tears continued to fall... I hurt for Kyle... I was sad for the girls (choosing to be courageous & stay around home in our absence in order for things to be cared for)... And I wondered how in the world we would tackle all that was in front of us... As I was finally pulling myself together, Dad showed up...and then I lost it again. Just seeing his face... Feeling his embrace... The reality of His presence.

They came to let me know that they were taking Kyle back to our room so I should begin making my way there as well. Dad & I snagged an elevator & arrived just a few minutes before the "carriage" of the one I love. We waited outside N669 until he was carefully situated & nicely tucked in bed. As Kyle rested & attempted to awaken from the anesthetic that sedated his body, Dad & I visited, shared & caught up on life. We talked about all that God was doing in our lives & the work He is in the process of accomplishing. Sweet moments with my pops. ♥

As Kyle began to awaken, he took walks...

Gave the spirometer the attention it demanded...

And put in a much needed/wanted call to his bestie, Thomas.

The days that followed were surreal...

Unexpected...

Difficult...

I remember looking at the January calendar when we were first admitted to our room thinking, there is no way we will see the February calendar placed on that wall... We will be out of here before then.

Little did I know...

A good day here...

A bad day there.

Yet in it all & through it all, God's presence was so close, peace was never beyond my reach.

MaKayla & Mal stayed at home, did some fun things together & spent time with my family. I was still in high hopes that our hospital stay would be shorter than the doctors anticipated as Kyle was up & moving...walking...active...but round after round...morning & afternoon...they challenged us to be patient...to wait. Due to the extensive way in which they had manipulated Kyle's bowel, patience & endurance were pertinent & nothing we did was going to hurry the process along. His gut was temporarily "paralyzed"...in it's own way & time, it would reawaken. Day after day, nothing by mouth...and when I say nothing, I mean nothing. This concept was hard for some to understand however what goes down, must come out...somewhere. And if the bowel was sleeping to the point that it couldn't process the contents moving downward, it would only have one direction of coming out...up. And if it came up, we were facing the placement of the bedreaded NG tube. A reality we would avoid at any & all cost.

We were patient.

Television...

Yahtzee...

Phase 10.

Walks...

Naps...

Worship music.

Marci text me several times each day as well as came & visited twice which was refreshing to our spirits. Once, a day or two after surgery, and then again on my birthday. She brought me healthy snacks knowing I wouldn't leave Kyle to eat. Just having her close was such a tremendous gift but the knowing that she was thinking of my well-being meant more than words could ever express. ♥

The days continued to pass & my clean underwear supply quickly dwindled. It was obvious that our "going home by Sunday goal" wasn't going to come even close to happening & in my discouragement Marci would constantly remind me, "Take one day at a time... Face each day as it comes." Once I took hold of her encouragement & accountability, I was able to let all expectations go. I decorated our room & had music playing most all the time. We enjoyed nurses popping in just to see if we needed anything...some of which we grew to love & appreciate beyond explanation.

They were our family away from family...

Mal received her "official" permit in the mail... ♥

Bri sent us pictures of she & Chris & Oakley... ♥

We watched Lifeflight go in & out...

And construction on the hospital...

We found traces of Tuck... ♥

February arrived...

We strongly contemplated the girls coming to see us however we all knew that when it came time to part ways & facing the moment of "saying good-bye", it wouldn't be productive or fruitful for the oldest in the family & the youngest in the family. :) Us two middlers, would be fine but the others, not so much... We facetimed & talked & text. We exchanged pictures. With God's help, we made it work. ♥

Super Bowl Sunday came & went & with it a severe snow storm... 

Marci had planned a visit...

But travel was impossible.

And then my birthday arrived.

And so did my sister. ♥

With Jordan, Tuck & sweet surprises in tow. ♥

And on top of all that, Kyle arranged for one of our most fav nurses to get me flowers of which when delivered, I was serenaded...♥

Never have I been so surprised. ♥

Little did I know...

Picture-perfect birthday...
Besides Kyle being in the hospital...
And minus MaKayla & Mal.

Yet God was so good & took the "lacking" & made it abundant.

Dr. Ongstad told both Kyle & myself that once he reached a certain point & turned the imminent/desirable curve, things would move quickly & we would be dismissed in no time as long as no concerns surfaced. By the morning after my birthday, we got the green light to stop the IV fluids & start clear liquids. Hallelujah!

He tolerated those well so we advanced to full-liquid...

And with the "unhookage" of the IV tubing, Kyle ditched the gown & donned his 'Team Aydan' shirt. :)

Finally permission for a normal diet...

Pizza was his goal... :)

I started packing bags & making preparations for the journey home. Again, just as with Kyle returning to work, saying good-bye to those we had grown to love & see as family, was...bittersweet.
For us...
And them.

Thursday morning arrived.
Bags packed...
Dismissal paperwork complete...
IV removed...
Tearful hugs given.

We made our last trek down N6...
Bittersweet.

As I walked that hall for the final time I couldn't do much more than thank God for His indescribable provision & protection & goodness to us.

For grace...
And peace...
And the sweetness of His presence.

For intelligent minds...
Compassionate hearts...
And skilled hands.

For doctors who truly cared...
For and about the one I love most... ♥
And who took time.

To listen...
To assess...
To administer.

Due to much prayer it was an uneventful, pleasant ride home...just us two.

To be back in our place of dwelling...
Wonderful.

To reside once again with MaKayla & Mal...
Amazing.

To have Charlie return to Kyle's lap...
Comforting.

To rest on your own couch...
With no beeping...
Or interruptions...
Perfect.

To have family near...
Thankful.

As I look back, I stand in awe. I stand in awe of the Master & the Creator. The Living Sacrifice. I stand in awe that One so sovereign & powerful & amazing & mighty cares about...me. Us. Kyle. MaKayla & Mal. That He has known since the moment He breathed life into existence that we would walk this road... And we would find ourselves where we are. It's a reminder to me that I never, ever, ever have justification to worry or doubt.

For He's a carrier...

He carries whatever load or burden we are bearing & He has provision already in store. And in the midst of that load or burden...He carries us.

Simply, He asks us to trust...

This season has been a faith-builder & a love-grower & a trust-strengthener. It has been a season of drawing us closer to Him. It's been a season where He has shown Himself to us in ways we otherwise would not know Him as. And on top of that...we see reasons that this...

was unknowingly neglected & lost for the past four years...

Resulting in an incision as such...

For such a time as this.

We see.

Little did I know...

Yet I know.