A Whisper...

It's a Wednesday. My Tuesday was gross. To the extreme.

Grateful for grace...

By the afternoon hours I found myself incredibly humbled & thankful for the gift & promise of grace. Grace that covers hurt & frustrations... Mistakes & unbridled passions. Grace that steps in & reminds this heart of mine Whose I am & who I am to be. Especially in the midst of smoldering embers that have become engulfed...

The past several days I have awakened sluggish & unable to mentally move. Not like in a depressed, despondent kind of way (I very well know what that feels like) but in a way where cylinders weren't firing & every thought was foggy. I tend to forget, due to a hysterectomy, that I have hormones which cycle ever so often & those unrecognized hormones coupled with exhaustion are a dangerous concoction. Yesterday I awoke lethargic just like I did Sunday & Monday but as the morning progressed, situations beyond my control sprinkled gas on some embers that had been smoldering since late last week (or for the past forty years of my life). Embers that I knew were present yet embers that were under control (or so I thought)... Until fuel kissed them. One instance after another in a short amount of time found those embers fully engulfed & before I knew it, what was once controlled, quickly grew out-of-control.

Trivial junk...all of it. But when suppressed smoldering embers are kissed with fuel, it's never a good situation. 

The passions within my heart were already warmed & Satan knew exactly what buttons to push in order for those passions to go from warm to hot. And push my buttons, he did. Instance by instance I knew what was happening & did my best to keep things in check but it comes to a point where reasoning somewhere slips away... I was on the cliff of demise & found myself peeking over...placing my toes on the edge...considering the "what ifs" of jumping... I toyed but I didn't. At one point I was dangling one foot & then the Holy Spirit pricked my heart... I knew He was issuing a warning. That Still Small Voice... Not a scream yet a whisper. I listened.

Grace.

As the day continued to unfold, God kept reiterating, "It's none of your business. Mendi, it's none of your business. It concerns you not yet you are making it your concern. Let it go & let me be God. Disconnect yet don't become bitter. Separate yourself yet love. Temper yet remain soft."

How does one do that anyway?

Disconnecting without becoming bitter?

Separating while still exhibiting love?

Tempering while preserving a soft & moldable heart?

Grace.

And a will that surrenders itself to God's.

Laying down vengeance...

Turning over control...

Forfeiting entitlement.

As day gave way to evening, I found myself so ever thankful for grace. Thankful that the day I had just lived, would soon be over & that a fresh measure of mercy & compassion would meet me anew at the start of this Wednesday. Thankful that a whisper kept me from doing something that could have been unredeemable. Thankful that God is ever before me & beside me. Behind me & around me. Guiding. Leading. Encouraging. Counseling. Showing me the better way.

I woke this morning, thankful. And as I logged into fb, I saw a sweet sisterfriend's post that resonated within mine & I was reminded, "Mendi, some things are simply none of your business."

And then I received a text, "I feel really moody right now... I'm just impatient. Annoyed. With everyone and everything..."

How often is this me? A perpetual state of indifference.

Both the post & the text really made me do some self-evaluating... Made me stop & think... Compelled me to ask myself the question, "Would I recognize a perfect day if I was given one?" Or would I take on baggage that isn't mine & concern myself with business that had nothing to do with me? Would my marred nature find something to feast on & spoil the plenty?

Was yesterday intended to be one of those 'should have been' perfect days?

Could it have been?

Had I let it?

And purposed it?

There will always be coals in the deepest recesses of the heart yet God desires that those coals be kept cool & free from ignition. Tempered. Moderated. Kept under the protection of humility & discretion. Coals are reminders of how careful I must be & how dependent I must remain on Christ. They remind me that focus needs to ever be upon Him & the temptation of allowing the eyes of my heart to wander, must be continually realigned & redirected. They remind me that although I may have found healing & redemption in areas, the fiery darts of the enemy can come from seemingly nowhere in an attempt to pierce vital organs & if my spiritual armor isn't drawn & ready, I am vulnerable to injury.

Yesterday may have been a gross day for me yet it was a refining day. A day filled with moments that remind me that, although the passions within me may be intense, the power of Christ is greater even still. And that power, if I heed to it & surrender my heart to it, will rescue me from the highest cliff & the deepest cavern.

A whisper.

Grace.

And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, 

and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you;

That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without,

and that ye may have lack of nothing.

~1 Thessalonians 4:11-12

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart,

be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

~Psalm 19:14

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thus saith the LORD of hosts;

Consider your ways.

~Haggai 1:7

The Unparalleled Lens Of Humility...

Where to begin...

~Birthdays~

~A new member to our family~

~Gardening~

~Life~

Life is beautiful but do we always see it that way?

MaKayla & I were sharing an in-depth phone conversation the other day & in the course of our discussion, I mentioned to her that we will always perceive life through whatever lens we are looking through at that present moment. And depending on what lens we are looking through & how we are perceiving the image we are looking at, will many times determine our attitude... Our countenance... Our response. I could look at one situation through five different lenses & with every lens change, I would see it differently... Subsequently my attitude, my countenance & my response would vary. If I am looking at a particular situation through the lens of pride, the product might be selfishness... If I am looking at it through the lens of hurt, the result might be self-pity. If I am looking at that same situation through the lens of insecurity, I see shame... Bitterness, anger... Resentment, hatred. Pity, mercy. Humility, love.

As 2016 was winding down, the word the Lord seared on my heart for the 2017 year was humility. Abasement. Considering Christ first, others next & self last. And after five months of "orientation", I am finally getting familiar with automatically guiding my heart/mind/spirit to view life through the lens of humility. Not in just one situation...but in every situation. I will be candidly honest, I am a defaulter at heart, therefore my tendency is to revert to the flesh & follow the fickleness of emotions much like a "stress eater" turns to junk food to satiate/suppress inward (and outward) chaos. Although such behaviors briefly soothe the starving flesh, they malnourish the spirit. A momentary fulfillment, delivers indefinite starvation. In turn we are driven to return for more & more & more & we are no more satisfied in the end than we were in the beginning. We end up full...but of what? We end up sick...but do we know the cause? Or do we even care?

We can look through lenses that gratify self...but gratification only lasts for a season... We can view life & the complicated situations therein through lenses that only require change in the other person, but the only person we can have any control of changing is self... We can peer circumstances through lenses that would seemingly deliver ideal results, but they never do.

A momentary fulfillment, delivers indefinite starvation.

I have a few specific situations present in my life that, no matter how hard I think or how much I analyze or how many self-concocted elixirs I formulate, there simply is no cure to heal that which is cancerous & diseased. They keep my mind in a whirl... There is no blue-print to repair that which is broken. They cause my heart to be perpetually unsettled... And in the process of driving myself crazy trying to put back together what is undone, I found myself destitute & desperate. They keep my spirit groping, probing, pursuing as if hunting for a needle in a haystack. I found myself reaching for different lenses in order to see...as means to view from every angle...in an attempt that if I saw things "just right", I would discover the missing element to my elixir, the absent measurement to my blueprint, the mysterious glue that would bring wholeness. In an attempt to understand & restore. Reconcile & redeem. In an attempt to regain control. When I looked through the lens of hurt, I saw self-pity... When I peeked through the lens of bitterness, I found anger... When I peered through the lens of pride, I saw empowerment...but in an ungodly, self-generated way... When I viewed through the lens of insecurity, I saw condemnation & shame... And with each new perspective, I became sicker & weaker & more vulnerable. My countenance, attitude & demeanor followed. I became more mindless & helpless & hopeless & my responses followed suit...until I took hold of & lifted the lens of humility to my heart/mind/spirit & it was then that I saw peace... And rest... And assurance... And love... It was then that my spirit was quieted & my heart was contented. It was then that I was reminded that even though my situation wasn't rectified or resolved, it was well with my soul knowing Christ was aware & attentive. Advocating & interceding. Working in both the circumstance as well as in my heart.

Some things I have resolved, I can't fix nor can I change...

Life is messy & relationships are hard. People are beyond understanding & at the crux of it all, we typically only see things from our own individual standpoint based on how we were raised, what path our life has taken & diverse personal experiences we have encountered along the way, coupled with how steadfastly we are grounded in Christ & the Word. Our days on this earth & the contents therein don't always turn out as we had hoped yet intentionally purposing to examine our each every encounter through the unparalleled lens of humility, will always allow us to see things in the proper perspective. They allow us to see things through the vantage point of Christ.

Some things, 

I must lay at the feet of Christ & submit to His authority...

Over these past days/weeks/months, I have concluded that those situations in life in which things are beyond my control or contain more living, breathing components than just myself...situations that God allows to go "unfixed"..."unhealed"..."incomplete"...are there for specific reasons & purposes... They are there to act as "thorns in my flesh" as a means to grow my dependence upon Him, preserve humility in my heart & perfect the Fruit of the Spirit in every facet of my being... Remember? I am a defaulter... I need constant reminders... Repetitive promptings to refocus... Continual episodes of discomfort & vulnerability in order to redirect me back to Jesus. Hopefully one day...someday...the lens of humility will be so familiar & instinctive that I don't need a piercing thorn to signal which lens I am to look through.

They are there to remind me of what I am not, yet Whose I am.

As I reflect back on that teary-eyed, broken-hearted, painfully-candid conversation with my precious girl who, in the perplexity/complexity of life, is seeking to walk in the way that glorifies her Lord & examplifies the Person He is, my spirit is reassured in knowing, that no matter how long it may take, nor the outcome that may result, it is well...for He can be trusted & He is faithful.

But the Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, 

gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: 

against such there is no law.

~Galatians 5:22-23~

Not Just Tangible Things...But Intangible Alike.

It's a cloudy kind of morning here but beautiful just the same. After so many consecutive days of gloom & rain, yesterday was filled with sunshine &warmth...just the boost I needed. The past few/several weeks have been rough... Kyle has been working much overtime... Busyness galore... Illness... School to do... Yard to mow... Here... There... This... That... I posted on Facebook sometime ago the quip of:

Mental sticky note to self...

Don't be grumpy just because you can be.

It conveyed my mood to a T... Grumpy. Touchy. Irritable. Grouchy. Easily annoyed. And I didn't attempt to hide it from anyone... When I am in such dispositions, I give fair warning. "I'm not grumpy with you...I'm just out-of-sorts. Don't take it personally." I couldn't snap out of it & I wasn't sure why. I knew God was working something out in me but I didn't know what. I was certain He was teaching me lessons, I just wasn't sure when this particular "class" would be over. Although everyone who had to spend time with me was understanding & patient, kind & encouraging (bless their precious souls), I wanted to pass that subject & move on to something else. It wasn't even that I didn't have self-control or temperance, I just couldn't get a handle on the "being easily annoyed" or "instant irritability" no matter what I did. I told Kyle that I wanted to slip away to a quiet cabin or remote cave & hide away, as to study for the final exam..as to not inflict germs on everyone around me, until I was "cleared"... Until graduation day arrived... I wanted quarantined. Not because I didn't want to be around people, but because my countenance, temperament & demeanor were toxic.

~April 10...2 Samuel 19-21
I do recognize heart-conditions that need deliberate care, work & attention & I wonder if God has allowed me to be in the mental state I am in, to show me... To help me see clearly... To bring me down to where I need to be in order to humble & rebuild me.
A tearing down as a means to restore.
-negativity
-pride
-mental busyness
-lack of intention
  
*A spiritual virus. And like other virus', one of this sort requires consideration & proper treatment...isolation & rest. A sabbatical/break from normal routine. 

~April 11...2 Samuel 22-24
I awoke this morning refreshed, renewed & regenerated. It's as if a switch flipped in my being overnight & the heaviness I have been bearing has been lifted & lightened. It makes me question if I am mental or if the Lord has graciously delivered me from such a despairing pit & debilitating virus that has been invading every facet of me. God, I give you praise & ask that You continue to restore me to full measure. As I read of David this morning...You are my lamp & you lighten my darkness. You are my Rock & my Fortress & my Deliverer. You are my Shield & my Salvation... My High Tower & Refuge & Saviour. In my distress I called upon You & my cry entered your ears. You are my Strength & my Power & You make my way perfect.
~2 Samuel 22
I still feel myself unsure & uncertain regarding my temperament these past few weeks yet You impress upon me, Humility. Humility fosters quietness & quietness fosters humility. A heart of humility is a heart of gentleness & understanding. A heart void of self & mindful of others. A heart of humility is the pedigree of heart You desire me to possess & nurture. A heart with you as God & me as one who needs & submits to Your voice.

~April 12...1 Kings 1-2
*Hosea 10:12,13
*Every action is a seed sown. -Matthew Henry

~April 15...1 Kings 8-9
Lord, You are vividly speaking to my heart about my attitude...my grumbling...my lack of gratitude & thankfulness. Focusing more on my "losses" than my "gains"... This degree of attitude accomplishes nothing more than destruction--for myself & for others & most especially it negates my reflection of You. -- These days of repetitive motion bind my heart up... The going... The noise... The lack of aloneness...quietness...and time in the Word leave me "mindless", intolerant & irritable & it impacts all those around me. Lord, You are correcting/chastising me for allowing the outer elements to morph the inner...

There it was...
The medication that cleared up my virus...
Gave me a clean bill of health...
The sickness was gone.

The cure was in the illness...

I could strip the gown, pull the IV line & break out of quarantine.

...my attitude...
...my grumbling...
...my lack of gratitude & thankfulness.

Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer.

1 Corinthians 10:10

There I had it...
The answer that passed the test...
Gave me a passing grade...
The class was completed.

The answer was in the equation...

I could turn my tassel, toss my hat & exit the gymnasium.

Focusing more on my "losses" than my "gains"...

In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

1 Thessalonians 5:18

The revelation that my spiritual virus was a result of grumbling...lack of gratitude & thankfulness. The reason I couldn't seem to pass the subject I was studying so hard to finish is because I was focusing more on my losses than my gains...

~May 3...1 Chronicles 7-8
#2098 ♥walking with a rested body, a quiet mind & a heart filled with joy & thanksgiving

And as I entered into the bathroom this morning preparing myself for the day, I glanced over the east yard & my eyes caught sight of the innumerable dandelion pods... A sea of them... White... Plush... Wispy... Not just one...but hundreds. Truly, it was breathtaking. And then I was reminded of of the multiple blessings in my life... People... Opportunities... Simple pleasures... Health... Sight... Mobility... The ability to hear sounds. The knowing of peace & hope & joy... The reality of being loved. ♥ Not just tangible things....but intangible alike. Knowings because of experience. 

Knowings because of God.

~April 13...

A heart of thankfulness can transform an attitude/mood of despondency.

I'm still mesmerized by the uncountable dandelions that litter our yard & as I glance out over the green grass & see the sprinkling of white, I am reminded to count my blessings & to have an attitude of thanks & praise for the tangible & intangible alike. ♥

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed,

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings-name them one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?

Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly, 

And you will be singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,

Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;

Count your many blessings; money cannot buy

Your reward in Heaven nor your home on high.

So amid the conflict whether great or small,

Do not be discouraged; God is over all.

Count your many blessings; angels will attend,

Help and comfort give you to your journey's end.

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

~Johnson Oatman, Jr.

Who I Am...

Many moments of my day-to-day life, I simply sit & reflect. Not always sitting but always reflecting... I find myself thinking, considering & examining the reality of this life that God has given me...and entrusted me to live.

A wife...
A mom...
A child of His.

A daughter...
A sister...
A child of His.

A friend...
An acquaintance...
A child of His.

A sister-in-Christ...
To some, simply a person...
A child of His.

I, as well, know that to some I am an annoying burr who is a constant source of irritation & discomfort. I would be in a grave state of denial if I didn't acknowledge the fact that some people simply don't care for me... But is it me, myself, that they are appalled by? Or is it who I am?

The shell?
Or the person?

As I think about it all...the roles listed at the start, I am reminded of something I have heard my dad say a multitude of times in sermons from behind the pulpit & even most recently,

"What do you see when you look in the mirror?"

Although I've heard that question more times than I can count, this time around has had me doing much thinking & considering...

What do I see?
Who do I see?
What am I looking at?

The Holy Spirit has compelled me to examine further...

When I look in the mirror do I look only at the physical image...

Or at the spiritual as well? 

Which do I most examine? 

Do I even look past the surface...past the flesh of my face & the state of my hair?

I will admit that upon considering the questions above, my main reason & motive for looking in the mirror is to examine the physical. To evaluate the hair... What do I do with it today? To determine the skin... Cover it or leave it bare? To conclude whether I am presentable for public appearance... Yes, no, make adjustments. Of course this isn't what my dad was proposing when he posed the question, "What do you see when you look in the mirror?" yet personally, from my side of answering, it never moves past the physical when I stand before that piece of glass & gaze upon the reflection before me. But as I have pondered upon this discovery, the Holy Spirit has compelled me to examine further...

Do I look myself in the eyes...
And examine what is beneath?

In Matthew 6:22 it says, 

'The light of the body is the eye: 

if therefore thine eye be single, the whole body shall be full of light.'

What resides past the physical?
What dwells under the surface?
What is present in the inner places?

Light?
Darkness?

Understanding?
Indifference?

Do I contrive to return the glory to Christ or to honor myself?

Compassion?
Condemnation?

Humility?
Pride?

Do I simply look for the assurance of Christ or to the applause of men?

Quietness?
Whisperings?

Gentleness?
Rigidity?

Do I strive to walk in meekness as Christ did or do I attain to point prove?

Submission?
Control?

Love?
Disgust?

Am I courageous enough to "go there"?
Am I humble enough to acknowledge the rawness of reality once I arrive?

Am I the former or the latter? All too often, if I am honest, although I may attempt to display the former, the latter is what truly resides. In time, the faux can no longer be disguised. Even if man can't see, God does & so do I.

What does it take to see past the image in the mirror?
To see past the surface...
To see past the flesh...
To see further than the shell that carries who I am around?

The hair & the skin & the limbs are simply a vehicle by which my spirit is seen. Those components aren't who I am...my spirit is who I am. The inner man is who I am.

As I thought & prayed about this, the Lord placed on my heart Petra's song, 'Take Me In'...
Take me past the outer courts...into the holy place;
Past the brazen altar...to see the Lord's face;
Past the crowds of people & the priests who sing His praise...to the righteousness of Jesus.

Take me past...
Take me in...
To satiate the hunger & thirst for Jesus that writhes within me. For it's not found in the outer area but the inner, intimate places.

The temple or the tabernacle themselves weren't Jesus, Himself, they were simply His dwelling place. His place of residence. Therefore if I merely look upon the structure, I will fail to see the depth & the height...the richness & the glory...the wisdom & the grace. I will fail to see His beauty & I will never know the redemption of His salvation. It's moving past the tangible in order to see & understand that which gave all He had in order to rescue me from the dominion of darkness.

So who am I?

What lies past my shell? The surface? The flesh? My structure? For what lies past is what drives my every action, word, decision.

What lies past is who I am.

Just like Jesus isn't a concrete structure, I am not merely a shell of flesh.

Going deeper & considering all of this sharpens me to intentionally & genuinely examine my heart. To see what Jesus sees. To be real with myself. To acknowledge where the latter overshadows & trumps the former. To take those things & those areas & those attributes that mar my inward reflection of Christ & place them at his feet. To seek Scripture for instruction to correct that which mars & to search for tools to equip & empower me to emulate Him all the more.

Love... Joy... Peace... Long-suffering... Gentleness... Goodness... Faith... Meekness... Temperance...

Love... Joy... Peace... Patience... Kindness... Goodness... Faithfulness... Gentleness... Self-Control...

Regardless of how you word it, describe it or display it, the reflection is Jesus.

And it doesn't matter what role I am walking in...whether I am being a wife or a mom, a daughter or a sister, a friend or an acquaintance, a sister-in-Christ or simply a person, who I am should never fail to show forth Jesus. In both the spiritual and the physical for the physical typically follows the lead of the spiritual.

I want my whole body to be full of light...the light of Jesus.

The light of the body is the eye;

if therefore thine eye be single, the whole body shall be full of light.

~Matthew 6:22~

And my eyes will show forth how bright or how dim I am allowing that Light to shine.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?
Who do you see?

So Is God's Correction To Me...A Sign That He Loves Me...

I check the blog...
Five months passed...
Five months & one day.

How do the days trickle by & the months pass so quickly? 

Happy April! 🌷

A few weeks back I told both MaKayla & Mal that the only thing I wanted for Mother's Day was for the outdated blog to be updated. That's it. That's all. Nothing else. And if you're visiting for the first time in awhile, you can tell that they jumped right on my request. Working together... Side-by-side... And after a few long days... It was done & I was thrilled. ♥ Fresh pictures. Unnecessary components removed. A new music play list. The previous one kept throwing errors & playing advertisements which was something that drove me loony so, after much research, we decided it was worth a small monthly expense to create our own list of sounds that we regularly listen to here at home & make it available to you in yours. :) If only I could provide flickering candlelight as well... :) We'd like you to try it & let us know what you think... Unlike the one before, you will need to click the play button in order for it to produce sound rather than it automatically playing. As well, if you desire to listen from your phone, you will need to download a Spotify app.

It's hard to compile life's happenings over the past five months... So many happenings. So much learning. Innumerable experiences & a plethora of lessons. In it all & through it all God keeps teaching & correcting & guiding & strengthening... Grace upon grace. ♥ Daily instruction laced with His continual, unconditional presence. For such, my heart is inexplicably grateful.

I will share that after much prayer & consideration, the Lord repetitively showed me & faithfully confirmed in my heart that He wanted my word for the year of 2017 to be...

HUMILITY.

As I look back on the last post that I put together before such a lapse, I find that the word He so specifically placed on my heart, mirrors the very thing He was preparing to instill within me. Preparation. Preparation without me even fully realizing.

As I continue on, day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, I see God affording me opportunities to learn a new depth of a virtue I only remotely understood & minutely grasped. Sure, I knew what it was & what it meant, but knowing what it is & means is quite different than applying it & living it out. One is an idea, the other becomes a reality. One is considering, the other owning. One is entertaining, the other being intentional. Not giving self the option to dismiss, suppress or ignore. God seeing the truth & rawness of our hearts seems as a double-edged sword... The discomfort of correction yet the freedom that comes when that which needed correcting is clearly seen for what it is... That which was contaminating is as dross being skimmed.

Initial discomfort superseded by freedom.

Truly, I'm just incredibly thankful that God loves me to the degree that He corrects me & invests in refining my being in order that I can be more of a reflection of Christ. He reveals & discloses to my heart those things that impede me from being salt & light to others... Those areas of life that I fall short in bringing Him glory whether that be my countenance, my responses, my attitude. Just like a parent to child, so is God's correction to me...a sign that He loves me & desires something better. ♥ Never see correction from God as negative or unloving or shameful... Absolutely the opposite of all three...

Correction shows:
♥ Favor
♥ Care
♥ Affirmation

It shows that He has something more...
It reveals that what I am lacking, He wants to provide.

It shows that He has wisdom...
It reveals that where I am ignorant, He has the means to tutor.

It shows that He is Lord...
It reveals that when I am stubborn, He summons submission.

I wonder why we always correlate correction with an adversary...

He is not my enemy...He is my Savior.

And not just mine, but yours as well... ♥

My intention now that things are up-to-date with the playlist functioning properly, is to do more blogging here & less on Facebook. Short, simple things there...more in-depth sharings here. :)

Life is well for us...busy, but well. Kyle is working much overtime & Mal has been diligent beyond explanation with her studies. I see so much change in both of their hearts as what both of them once dreaded & abhorred, they both have learned to appreciate & find purpose in. ♥ Blessing upon blessing. ♥

Due to God extending an opportunity, Dillon & MaKayla have recently relocated. It's further from us however Kyle & I see so much purpose in what God asked & instructed them to do & for a parent, seeing your children take uncertain steps of faith as a means to obey, there is truly no greater reality. We still see them regularly & FaceTime daily & have even spent a night with them. Such a blessing they are to our lives...

~Never a dull moment...

~Ever.

~Learning the Keurig...

~Latte goodness...

~Enjoying coffee together...♥

(Mal was present but was currently getting around for church when all of these were snapped...)

I'm super excited to be back "home" in my blog & am eager to share with you, not only the happenings of our lives, but most importantly the goodness & grace of Christ.

Much love...

In The Shifting Of Control...I Decided To Take The Lead.

Yesterday.
Another one of those days.

It didn't start out as such but then a spontaneous outing that I hadn't adequately sought or allowed God to prepare my heart for quickly derailed me & tossed me completely off the track. It wasn't progressive, it was instant.

Immediate tension.
Split-second agitation.
Consuming irritation.

And my default...
Disconnect.
Control.
Transparent frustration.

I removed myself from the situation momentarily but instead of taking that opportunity to regroup, refocus & recollect, I allowed the core of the matter to fester & brew. Unwisely, I failed to turn my focus from the circumstance & redirect it toward God. My blood-pressure soared. My heart rate elevated. My peace drained...out of my feet. I was a hot mess. Truly. Just ask Mal.

Note to self: When default tendencies begin to show potential of becoming reality, take a deep breath, inwardly cry out to God, allow Him to put things in perspective according to His Word. Who I know He wants me to be. How I know He wants me to respond. His character being lived out & worked out in me.

Why do I allow the flesh to outrun the Spirit?
Why do I permit emotions to overtake moderation?
Why do I enable self to trump Truth?

Because I heed the natural & silence the Divine.

The afternoon continued & my attitude, nor my temperament improved. At all. Displeasure was evident & obvious. I voiced & vented. Plead my cause. Confirmed my point. Fine. Dandy. Understood. Yet my heart was still wrong. And I knew it.

I came home, shared with Kyle & contemplated. He worked on winterizing the pool while I continued to consider the yearnings & ponderings of my heart. I shared with him various things that were meandering through mind & lessons I was taking away from the situation at hand. Lessons dealing with my contribution to the circumstance as well as contributions of others. I told him that I was going to find a place in the sunshine & sit. I retrieved my Bible & my journal, found a chair on the west side of the house in the direct shining of the sun & began to put thoughts to paper in order to help me sort out & work out how God was speaking to me.

Control.

Plain and simple.

Control.

Control... A stronghold in my spirit that has the potential to encapsulate & permeate me like not much else. Why? I don't like to be defied. I can do what's comfortable. A feeding of pride due to accomplishment. My esteem of self is too great. Fear. The more I study & the more I grow in the Lord, the more I recognize when my heart begins to beat in the, 'I'm out of control & I'm on a quest to regain it,' rhythm. I'm beginning to better discern the Holy Spirit's voice of, "You're entering into unauthorized  territory & you need to guard your heart. For your sake - falling into sin/heeding temptation. For the sake of the other person - potential to inflict/hurt." Lord, I know this is an area of my heart that desperately needs reshaping, transforming & softening. Will you help me? Help me to know when to persist & when to let it go. When something's worth fighting for & when it's prudent to surrender.

Kyle & I discussed it more throughout the evening as I continued to work the entirety of the afternoon out in my heart. I sat & typed up a Facebook post that collected my thoughts...

Two coinciding thoughts conclude my afternoon...
1.) If you're not going to enforce the rule/boundary/standard, don't put it into place.
2.)  I never want to arrive at the place where my heart becomes so stubborn/prideful that I am unteachable or so hardened/obstinate that I am beyond correction.
*Taxing days are wearing yet I am reminded to 'Count it all joy'... And that the taxation is worth it when you can walk away with a deeper understanding & a fresh measure of wisdom for days/times ahead. Prudence. :) Every situation in life is an opportunity for Christ to enlighten us to something we need to see/learn if our hearts are willing to perceive & pliable to be molded. Happy Friday Eve! :)

I questioned the posting of it for well over an hour... I tossed it around. Thought it through. Considered it intently. Yes. No. I think it's fine. Probably shouldn't. Yeah, maybe someone else can relate. I don't think it's conducive to what God would desire.

Control was shifting...
I had possession...
And then I gave it to God.
Back to me.
Then Him.
Me.
Him.

I knew at the core of my being that my heart wasn't "all" right in it. Yes, I had been reminded of profound lessons I wanted to etch in my heart & implement in the coming days/weeks/months/years yet what I was highlighting was someone else's weaknesses & falterings...not my own. But I reasoned that no one else knew those facts but me. I reasoned it out & then briefly, ever-so-briefly, a truth that a sister-in-Christ shared yesterday morning on Facebook that had impacted me greatly wafted through my spirit...

I thought on it for a moment & then began to reason again...

Note to self: Never reason with God. He is ALWAYS right.

And when one reasons long enough, they convince themselves (through the enemy's influence) that they are right & the harm they once considered, is invalid.

Post.

There...
It was done.
Posted.
Me.

I went to bed unsettled about my choice but decided to give it until morning & if I still wasn't sure, I would delete the thoughts that I felt so compelled to share.

Long night.
A long night of wrestling...
With God.

Delete.

There...
It was done.
Gone.
Him.

I threw my flannels on, put my contacts in, brushed my teeth. Clicked on the lamp, stumbled through the living room, found my way to the kitchen. Another light accessed, coffee poured, CD player turned on. Journal located, Bible retrieved, a place at the table found. Reading glasses on, pen in hand, sentiments of the heart transferred to paper. My every morning... But this one was different. I knew I had wrestled with God throughout the hours of the night & I knew why...

In the shifting of control, due to pride, I decided to take the lead.

Wrestling with God resulting in a genuine desire for all manner of pride & control to be removed from my life/heart/mind. In the wrestling I was reminded of my sister's post yesterday...

When I question the "rightness" in some decision or choice, it's probably wrong. And even if it's 99% right & 1% almost right, it's still wrong. If it's not 100% right in God's eyes, I should submit, fear, revere & obey.

And as I shared with MaKayla through text this morning, "Even if what I said was 100% truth, the motive was wrong & prideful. A way to inconspicuously vent. No one would have known it but me... And God... I wrestled with Him over it all night. Right yet wrong. Directed towards a situation & a people. I deleted it early this morning & then I read Proverbs 4... Confirmation. I don't want to be a 'point prover'. The Lord was telling me, "No," but I chose my will instead of His. A profound lesson of faith & obedience for me."

Enter not into the path of the wicked, and go not in the way of evil men. 

Avoid it, pass not by it, turn from it, and pass away. 

For they sleep not, except they have done mischief;

and their sleep is taken away, unless they cause some to fall. 

~Proverbs 4:14-16

My heart was perceptive to what I was to be gleaning (my two Facebook post points) but instead of gleaning with a heart saturated with humility, I was gleaning through a heart laced with pride. It reminded me of the account of the slothful man's vineyard field in Proverbs...

I went by the field of the slothful, and by the vineyard of the man void of understanding;

And, lo, it was all grown over with thorns, and nettles had covered the face thereof, 

and the stone wall thereof was broken down.

Then I saw, and considered it well: I looked upon it, and received instruction.

Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep:

So shall they poverty come as one that travelleth; and thy want as an armed man.

~Proverbs 24:30-34

God wants us to learn from observation & consideration (from our own lives & from the lives of others) yet He wants us to learn with a spirit void of condemnation, pride & control. A spirit steeped in lowliness & humility. Learning from what we see & experience without bitterness, resentment or haughtiness.

Last night I distinctly knew what God was directing me to do yet like the stubborn, prideful, hardened & obstinate heart that I was so troubled by previously in my day...that heart became mine...toward God. Instead of being teachable & open to correction, I was bent on my own will. I coveted control.

A diseased portion of my heart that has been in such a state for as long as I can remember has received Divine treatment... And although I lost some sleep in the hours of the night, what I gained will change me for the remainder of my life.

May I daily be reminded...