"How, Lord? How did I get here?"

A few weeks back the message bank in my phone was approaching full capacity & it gave me the signal of a warning to clean up, clear out & delete to prevent overload. I have a tendency to ignore such warnings & then am utterly frustrated when I get the big, "Messages Full" notification letting me know that I am now unable to send already composed texts or receive anything coming in. Certain texts that people send me touch me, encourage me & challenge me therefore I'm very careful before selecting the "delete all" option... So as I sat at the dining room table that morning strategically checking each specific text before removing it into cyber-space for all eternity, one text in particular caught my eye... I instantly knew from whom it came & the Lord put an immediate check in my spirit. I considered what it said & God profoundly spoke to my heart,

"Mendi, do you recognize love?" 

And then another question, "Do you put conditions on love?" 

And another, "On the receiving end?" 

And another, "On the extending end?" 

And finally, "Do you delight in being loved?" 

Yes, these questions challenged my heart...my soul...my spirit...my being...
For the One who loves me most was the One who asking...

I thought them over...
And meditated on what He was asking me to consider...

Busted.

I knew the answers...

But how...

How did I get here...

For some time my mind continued to consider this conversation of immense depth between me & the Lord. The girls always know when I am "thinking" & eventually one of them will ask, "Momma, whatcha thinking about?" :)

As MaKayla, Mal & I gathered around the dining room table for breakfast that morning, I asked them,
"Do you recognize love?"
"Do you put conditions on love?"
"On the receiving end..."
"On the extending end..."
"Do you find delight in being loved?"

"What does love look like to you?"

It ensued a beautiful, enlightening conversation between the three of us...

Both of them took an opportunity to share...
To answer the questions...

They each told me how they recognize genuine love...
*words spoken...
*interest taken...
*the tone of a person's voice...
*warm, tight embraces...
*undivided attention...
*time invested...
*affection extended...
*a "caring"...for them specifically.

And then, without my prompting, they began tying those traits to specific people...

My heart was warmed...
And blessed...
And thankful.

I could see why each mentioned, by name, this person or that person...
Some of them the same...
Some of them different.

Some from present...
Some from past...

Yet they feel love from these people...
They recognize love from these people...
They know love from these people...

And then God said to me,
"How often do you extend & receive love at arm's length?"

Busted, again.

And again, I asked,

"How, Lord?"

"How did I get here?"

Hurt.
Self-protection.
Pride.
Fear.
Jealousy.
Resentment.
Selfishness.

A crusting of the heart...

And to be honest, I didn't see it transpiring.
No, it didn't happen overnight but day-by-day, situation-by-situation, the what seemed to be innocent membrane of protection, hardened.

That's how I arrived.

Instead of asking God to bind up those gaping wounds...
And to quiet those harsh words of criticism...
And to soothe those bruises of rejection...
I allowed roots of bitterness to bury themselves.

I medicated real injuries with a faux medication...

A mangled mess of emptiness...
Destined for destruction.

And as the roots dug in deeper...
The crusting thickened...
The heart self-protected...
And the shell hardened.

I replaced generosity with self-seeking...

Mercy with resentment...
The delight in other's victories with jealousy...
Open arms with fear...
Simple humility with pride...
Vulnerability with self-protection...
Forgiveness with hurt...

The blood of my heart coagulated...
And simply put, the blood of my heart, is love.

Instead of being fluid...
With a continual, smooth in-flow & out-flow...
Love...
And the giving & receiving of it...
Coagulated.

~ coagulate ~

to change from a fluid into a thickened mass; curdle; congeal

to form a clot

As I continued to think all of this through in an attempt to find understanding & correction & healing, God gave me that distinct picture of fluidity.

That's how He desires love to be...

Fluid.

~ fluid ~
capable of flowing freely like water

On the giving end...
On the receiving end...

And if someone hurts us...
He will heal it.

And if someone rejects us...
He will receive us.

And if someone speaks harsh words of criticism...
He will speak soothing words of truth.

He is God.

And He says,

"Replace the 'what ifs' with I Am..."

I Am God...

And I have your best interests in store.

I still have a long way to go in grasping the reality of all that God wants to teach me in this area yet as I allow Him to have His way within the bowels of my being, He will soften that hardened crust until nothing remains but a pliable, viable masterpiece to be molded into His likeness.

How about you...

"Do you recognize love?"
"Do you put conditions on love?"
"On the receiving end..."
"On the extending end..."
"Do you find delight in being loved?"

Remember...
He is God.
And He has your best interest in store.

♥