Unholy Natures...

It's been a busy few weeks here trying to get back into the swing of "normal school" after a little glitch in our schedule. Even last night Mallary said, "I'm really looking forward to school tomorrow." I loved the sound of her words! ♥ Last week I spent a great part of a few days updating hours & grades in my log book which was a feat in and of itself. Why I allow myself to get behind on those tasks I will never know, because after getting caught up, I vow to stay on track only to get behind again... Ugh!?! I will begin anew! :)

This is about the third blog post that I have started in the past several days... Just can't seem to collect my thoughts long enough & well enough to compose something that is understandable... :/ Lots going on in my mind... Many things to process... Burdens that are heavy... Tasks that loom like black clouds over my head... No motivation... Life...

As I sat during my quiet time Tuesday morning, the Lord really began speaking to my heart... Through Oswald, He posed some things He wanted me to ponder & some questions He wanted me to answer... He was challenging me to dig deep... He was compelling me to acknowledge things in my life that He simply wasn't "okay" with...

What is it that blinds you to the peace of God "in this your day"? Do you have a strange god--not a disgusting monster but perhaps an unholy nature that controls your life? More than once God has brought me face to face with a strange god in my life, and I knew that I should have given it up, but I didn't do it. I got through the crisis "by the skin of my teeth," only to find myself still under the control of that strange god. I am blind to the very things that make for my own peace. It is a shocking thing that we can be in the exact place where the Spirit of God should be having His completely unhindered way with us, and yet we only make matters worse, increasing our blame in God's eyes.

"If you had know...." God's words here cut directly to the heart, with the tears of Jesus behind them. These words imply responsibility for our own faults. God holds us accountable for what we refuse to see or are unable to see because of our sin.

~Oswald Chambers~

As I read, reread & then really began to ponder these words, the question the Lord kept bringing to my remembrance was, "Do you have a strange god--not a disgusting monster but perhaps an unholy nature that controls your life?" I started searching my heart... "What god is present in my life?" I could think of many "things" present in my life that at times are "gods"... Things that take me away from being fully committed to Him... Things that interfere with time in His presence... I knew that is where Satan wanted me to stop. He didn't want me to search any deeper than that "surface question". He didn't want me digging any further. But the question that really pricked my heart was, "Mendi, what unholy nature controls your life?" Wow! Ouch! Really? Again, I knew Satan was trying to put a veil over the windows of my heart. He didn't want me to see... Yet the Lord kept prompting me to search... Seek... Examine...

Little-by-little, bit-by-bit, fragment-by-fragment, pieces came to the surface...
One linked to the other...
The list lengthy...
Reaching the end...
One big thing tying them all together...
Truly something I never even recognized...

After Kyle got home from work that afternoon, we sat at the table & visited. I shared with him what God has spoken to my heart through the devo & then how He applied it to my heart. I asked him if he saw this "big thing" in my life. Nope, not really. Yet the realization of it's presence, brought a great deal of clarification to some of the things I struggle with.

Kyle, the girls & I went on a significant road trip over the weekend resulting in several hours in the van. It was a great opportunity for me to go to the Well & drink. A great time for me to go to the Table & eat. A perfect chance for the Lord to clarify what He was wanting me to grasp. I'm stilling thinking, pondering, praying, meditating... I'm still journaling "bone fragments" that continue to rise to the surface...

I wondered why I had really never recognized this before & then the devo a few days later answered my wonderings...

When you grow and develop the right condition inwardly, the words Jesus spoke become so clear that you are amazed you did not grasp them before. In fact, you were not able to understand them before because you had not yet developed the proper spiritual condition to deal with them.

Our Lord doesn't hide these things from us, but we are not prepared to receive them until we are in the right condition in our spiritual life. Jesus said, "I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now" (John 16:12). We must have an oneness that with His risen life before we are prepared to bear any particular truth from Him. Do we really know anything about the indwelling of the risen life of Jesus? The evidence that we do is that His Word is becoming understandable to us. God cannot reveal anything to us if we don't have His Spirit. And our own unyielding and headstrong opinions will effectively prevent God from revealing anything to us.

~Oswald Chambers~

It's a humbling thing to examine the unholy natures in your life...
To recognize them...
To acknowledge them...

It's a choice to surrender them to the Lord....
To let go...
Hand them over...
Raise your "white flag"...

It's freedom when you realize baggage, baggage you were even unaware of...
Is lifted from your shoulders...
The weight is gone...
It's lost it's grip on you...

But thanks be to God!

He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Corinthians 15:57